They/Them, poly agender enby,
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I like cheese, buildings, trains, trams, cute people, Kill James Bond, and being Absolutely Fabulously Queer.
I’m on a still active forum, with a solid vs debate scene. Sailor Moon vs. the God-Emperor of Mankind from 40k is one of the most treasured threads there, as Sailor Moon trashed the guy.
19 pages straight of debate over Sailor Moon vs. God-Emperor of Mankind, in which every time a 40k fan desperately brings up a new point, it immediately gets negated by another one of Sailor Moon’s powers
The idea of a popular teenage subculture where girl & boys pretty much all dress the same feels impossible now but for a while it was reality and it was beautiful.
I’ve had it since I was a man (pictured above) and it became a staple of my wardrobe for many social events. I wore it the night of my 21st birthday to a gay bar in Seattle with my friend Monty. He’d later become my best friend, but at this point we’d only met once before. The night of my birthday we parked and did a shot of vodka in his car before going inside (to save on drinks). Monty had been seeing this guy AJ for a while and I thought they were both very cute so I said “before I get inebriated, I just want you to know that if this night ends with a three-way between you, me and AJ I’m totally fine with that” he agreed, we toasted with another shot, and entered the club.
My first night as an out and proud adult in a gay bar was formative for me. I saw some incredibly fierce drag queens perform, I made out with lots of men (and one woman) on the dance floor, and I got absolutely wasted for the first time in public. It was magnificent. It’s a shame that bar isn’t there any more.
After we’d danced the night away, we went back to AJ’s apartment and started getting frisky in the boudoir. We’re all going hot and heavy, making out when Monty falls asleep. AJ and I looked at each other and rolled him over and carried on right next to his unconscious body.
Fast forward a few years.
That story has become a defining moment of our friendship since we reconnected a few years later. While we were reminiscing about it the other day I found some pictures from that night and said “oh my god! I still have that romper too!” Monty was thrilled, he said I had to wear it to his birthday party. The theme was “The Eras Party” dress as yourself from your fiercest era— past, present, or future. I’d been thinking of a suitable outfit for weeks with no ideas. Yeah, I had this romper in my back pocket, but I no longer felt like it represented my fiercest era. It felt like one so far gone I hardly recognized.
I tend to get very insecure about how I’m perceived in my own community. It all seemed so much easier when I “was” a “gay man.” The more feminine my presence becomes, the more it feels like the gay men I’ve loved for so long are losing interest. And can I blame them? Their whole lives they’ve been fighting for right to love the *men* they’re attracted to, and at what point does that no longer include me? I could never imagine myself pursuing a straight man, nor could I imagine one pursuing me. I constantly feel too feminine for the gay boys and too masculine for the straight ones. It’s an alienating feeling. At what point do I cross the threshold from gay man to trans woman? Short answer: the threshold doesn’t exist. Or maybe it could if I wanted it too. If I asked for a feminine name and pronouns tomorrow, I think people would have a much easier time understanding that! But that’s not what I want. I want to be feminine, sure, but it isn’t so clean cut as “gay man” OR “trans woman.” This must be why I prefer “queer” and “faggot” over any other identity labels. My white-whale romantic partner is someone who’s not only okay with, but actively celebrates my queerness in all its shapes.
Then it hit me. The party. I could add a new twist to a classic Miles outfit! Keep the romper, but add the orange crop that shows off my small but growing tits!! Drop the shoulder, and add feminine accessories!!! Style my hair in a fun side-pony!!!! Now we have a flirty look that takes the best qualities of my past and points them toward the future. It’s a little cheesy, and a lot of fuss to make over an outfit for a single party, but this is a meaningful moment for me as my ever-fluid gender expression continues to change.
I sometimes grieve the loss of the handsome man in that picture. I wonder if I should have tried harder to find happiness as I was instead of changing. Moments like this remind me I am not losing any part of myself to pursue happiness. I don’t have to give up the things that made me happy before. I can still be the gay man I’ve always been, and then some.
I wish I had a better point to end with so I’ll happily say that this night, too, ended with me removing the romper for passionate sex with a man who likes me. Just as I am.
Rebooting this old post because I sadly decided to get rid of this romper. Cute as it was, I didn’t have enough reason to wear it, and other items in my closet fit my needs better. So I donated to the day center where my friend works and she sent me this today:
People legitimately think there was no criticism of the Harry Potter series before her TERF/soft holocaust denier era and I'm sorry to tell you but people were criticizing the Cho Chang banking goblins werewolf-AIDS metaphor elf emancipation is silly series years before Joanne's public turn to transmisogynistic chauvinism.
like i feel insane. why do so few people notice this disparity? so many black transfems have fled, deactivated, or been terminated. the few who are left are usually getting targeted by harassment campaigns, denied autonomy, treated as mere scapegoats, and are often forced to stay in this murderously hostile environment for mutual aid reasons. why do we not notice this more???
Hey. Your brain needs to de-frag. Literally it needs you to sit there and space out.
If you want your memory or executive function to improve, stare out a window at the skyline or sidewalk or trees or birds on the electrical wires for like 20+ minutes per day. (With no other stimulation like a podcast or TV if you can manage but hey baby steps innit). If you're fortunate enough to have safe outside with any bits of nature, go stare closely at a 1 meter square of grass and trip out on the bugs and shapes of grasses and stuff.
Literally this will make you smarter. Our brains HAVE TO HAVE this zone out time to do important stuff behind the scenes. This does not happen during sleep, it's something else.
That weird pressurized feeling you get sometimes might be your brain on no defrag.
Also, if you don't take the time regularly, your brain will do it for you. Usually when you're already stressed and it gets to be too much. You will zone out. And you can not control it. So regular maintenance will help
"de-frag" here is a reference to disk defragmentation. it's not something that's really needed with modern storage technologies, but back when computer storage was on spinning media (hard drives, floppy disks) it was a super important thing if you wanted to keep your computer running fast.
you can think of spinning disk storage as a carousel with boxes on top - your computer spins the carousel until it's at the right box and can read the information. so, if related boxes are far apart, it takes longer for your computer to get to the box it needs.
imagine you're using one of these spinning media on your computer. you create a new text document with your weekly shopping list. your computer fills in the next empty box on the carousel with your list. throughout the week, you make other files and delete them too. at the end of the week, you delete the shopping list and make a new one.
when files are "deleted", the boxes aren't emptied immediately. the computer puts a label on the box saying "i can empty this box when i need to", but it won't bother with that process until there are no unused boxes. so now you have your "deleted" shopping list box followed by other boxes that are still being used.
let's say you want to save a massive 2k word essay but your computer has used every box at least once so it decides it's time to empty the "ready to be cleared" boxes. the shopping list is very small, so your computer has to chop up the essay to get a little bit of it to fit in the old shopping list box. then it fits the rest in wherever.
later on, you want to access the essay. your computer has to spin the carousel multiple times in order to find all the boxes. this is a fragmented disk. it's slow and inefficient! everything's disorganised and your computer has to work harder to find all the boxes it needs.
the solution is disk defragmentation - defragging. when you run defrag, your computer looks at all the boxes and moves them around so they're in a more efficient order. after this, it no longer has to go back and forth to find what it needs.
the same principle is similar for our brains. we start to forget things, tiny pieces of information slip from our minds and we get just a little bit slower at remembering or processing memories. have you ever taken a step back from a project, and then when you return you find that you're thinking clearer? that's because you defragged! your brain had time to stop thinking about the actual information, and instead sorted it in a more logical, efficient manner. this is why i love this analogy so much.
the novelty of having pets really does never wear off i’ve had my cat for ten years and i still look at him strolling around like can you believe this. a cat. is everyone seeing this. he’s alive he has bones and all. unbelievable
Sometimes Diesel watches me do stuff and I'm like wow. You understand that parts of me are analogous to you even though they look nothing alike. You know what my mouth is and when I'm eating even though it looks nothing like how a cat eats. You're alive here with me and you're a funky little genius.
My cats respond to more and more names the longer I have them and it's endlessly funny to me that I accidentally taught them their names are Baby and Stinky
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