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Charlie | She/Her | 23 | Unfiltered thoughts

[charlie-the-sloth]

If you think about it, we're all just mosaics. We're all just pieces of the people we've loved most in the world, fit together into who we are today.

[charlie-the-sloth]

I can go months with being fine. Months without a thought in your direction. But then something will happen, and all the sudden I'm back with this soul wrenching feeling of missing you.

[charlie-the-sloth]

Sometimes, I feel like a tree carved up by well-meaning lovers, your signature stuck in the very root of my bones.

[charlie-the-sloth]

It's honestly kinda crazy that I'm in love with you, and I'm not even sure you remember my name.

[charlie-the-sloth]

You've always had the prettiest eyes. And I know you hate them because they're brown and you find them ordinary. It makes me laugh when you compare them to mud, because it honestly couldn't be further from the truth. They're warm like coffee on a cold morning. And when you smile, it's like if you took carmel, cinnamon, and all things good and just mixed them together. I think your eyes are beautiful and I wish you could see them the way I do.

Love,

Charlie

[charlie-the-sloth]

Sometimes, when I look too quickly in a mirror, all I see are your eyes, your nose, and your hair. I fade away and I'm back to being a little kid whose dad shows love with his fists. To me, anger feels like the greatest cardinal sin because I know it's one of the many things I inherited from you. That's why when people see your eyes on my face, I want them to see kindness and love there because that feels like the best way to separate myself from you.

[charlie-the-sloth]

I've kinda been obsessed with subtle intimacy here lately. Don't get me wrong, grand gestures are wonderful too. But matching mugs for our lazy Sunday mornings, waltzing around the kitchen at late hours, and your hand in mine as we walk. That's immaculate.

[charlie-the-sloth]

Is it too much to ask that I want someone to write poetry about me? Like I want someone to write down all my perfections and faults just to tie them all together in beautiful verse. I want someone to be so in love with me that they have no other way to describe me than to compare me to something in nature. I want to be a rhyme on someone's heart. Is that too wild of an ask?

[charlie-the-sloth]

My mother ingrained in me from a young age that cursing wasn't ladylike. A woman should be able to express herself without degrading her vocabulary. I sincerely wish I could say that my insults are now incredibly poetic and creative. That I took that lesson as a challenge and persevered. Instead, I just dont say sh*t in front of my mother.

[charlie-the-sloth]

I want you to be the villain in our story. I want to point out all the mistakes you made and the all the times you wronged me. I want people to hear your name and understand that you're at fault. But the truth is that life isn't that simple, especially with us. You can't look at our story and pinpoint a culprit. We never worked together better than when we were orchestrating our own demise. And maybe that's the problem, because I know I hurt you as much as you hurt me and I still blame you. So maybe I'm the villain.

Love,

Charlie

[charlie-the-sloth]

You ruined my favorite hiking trail. I can't walk that dirt path or climb those rock steps without thinking about your stupid grin or your stupid laugh or how blue your stupid eyes are. And I hate it. Because every time I think about you, I have to think about her. I have to picture you with her. I shared a piece of myself that will now only have a home with you, and I'll never feel at peace in a place that felt like home again.

Love,

Charlie

[charlie-the-sloth]

So after a 2 hour stint on Northern Sea tiktok, did you know that there is something called thalassophobia????? I live in a landlocked area. I could have gone my whole life with knowing I don't like the deep ocean.

[charlie-the-sloth]

So I just finished reading "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer and it was a really great read. Very harrowing and detailed. He quite literally takes you on the expedition with them. But now the ADHD goblin has decided to hyper fixate on Mount Everest. Here's the deal, I like to hike, but I'm not a mountaineer and there is no way you'd get me higher than Base Camp. I'm sorry, have you seen the Khumbu Ice Falls? And that's just the first part! The top part of the mountain is literally called the death zone! I'm like the king of cowards and have a huge fear of heights, so where will this knowledge of Mount Everest get me? Not on that mountain, that's for sure.

[muresetivoire]

When Gomez Addams said, "You are the only cactus in the garden of my life," and ,"I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons," and, "Look at her, I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss."

[charlie-the-sloth]

It's crazy because I'm a romantic at heart. I dream of coexisting with a person so perfectly that you forget the time when everything wasn't ours. Like when you open a cabinet and there are two mugs that show distinctly different personalities, but you just know they go together. Or when you glance in the bathroom and there are suddenly two toothbrushes where only one used to be. I crave that causal intimacy. I chase the idea of finding my person. But nothing ever perfectly aligns. Maybe fantasy ruined my perception of reality, or maybe my walls have been built too strong that even I can't breach them, but for some reason, I can never actually connect with another individual. So, for someone who idealized a life with another, I find myself becoming content with self-love. Maybe that's where hopeless romance meets realism. Somewhere in the longing.

Love,

Charlie

[muresetivoire]

Messy handwritten letters, bouquets of hand-picked flowers wrapped in brown paper, pastries with haphazard patterns, starless skies, chipped tea cups, coffee stains

[the-devils-feather]

It's always "I love you" and never "the only Heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you"