Thoughts on writing hiatus/rant
Hiii ive been gone for so long now
Thing is, I kinda stopped writing for a while
And that's the most terrifying thing for a writer, because YOU KNOW something is wrong, you can't really tell what it is though. And since you're not writing you're not really getting many hints or a kind of deep enough introspection.
At least, at the beginning nothing was wrong, I was just very invested in a new part of my life so I didn't really feel like writing often, and then I got too harsh to write again.
I got much more anxious and serious and reflective on life, I was so focused on the things in my head and reflecting that I closed myself off from reality in a way. I just focused on critiquing things around me, in a way that made them too heavy. It's true that many of the things around me aren't *perfectly* as they'd need to be for them to be fair, but focusing only on criticism without compassion and understanding fully is detrimental.
I have recently realised this tendency that I've had lately, for lately I mean at least 3 months and most definitely more, mainly because I've had time to reflect since I've been hospitalised but also because said hospitalisation made me spiral even further.
It's funny because when I realise I've been behaving this way, I feel this overwhelming shame and like I've just committed the worst crime, but I haven't I fear, I've just been human. And there's something very beautiful in that, I have phases like the world has seasons, like the moon too.
To be alive is to be constantly changing, and that is in ways that we might consider "negative" too. Accepting it is a crucial step towards getting better, getting softer, and being happier.
Also I've proven to myself that even if I get a little depressed and anxious at times the people around me still love me and are still here for me. My friends didn't leave, my partner didn't stop loving me, the sky didn't fall because my anxiety got the best of me. Accepting this is part of fighting my anxiety as well, or better hugging it so hard it's smothered.
Also social media has rotten my brain in ways, but I can't say that it's the phone's fault more than it is mine for consuming certain kinds of contents.
Anyways, I'm back I hope, writing has welcomed me in it's arms again, we shared a passionate kiss and made love again Wednesday morning and it felt like finally getting cured of a months-long disease, or like coming home after a long, cold, exhausting travel.