wish you were sober | luke castellan.
summary: based on conan gray's song, you meet your ex-boyfriend luke at a house party.
This party's shit, wish we could dip
Walking into the huge halls of Connor’s house, you felt out of place. Like you were stepping somewhere you weren’t welcome. “Come on! Loosen up a bit,” sighed Silena. “It’s the beginning of summer, and your annoying little brother isn’t here to moral police you — let’s have fun,” without even waiting for an answer, she took your hand and dragged you straight to the drinks table.
Go anywhere but here
“Jackson! Hey!”, a voice emerged from the troubling crowd around you, “How’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in a while now!”, it was Chris first, then his posse that began having a conversation around you. Small talk was never your thing; you could only make yourself a strong vodka cranberry and pretend to perform, pretend that you felt fine enough to leave your room, pretend that your throat didn’t burn from the harsh taste of alcohol, pretend that you didn’t dread something — rather, someone.
Any moment now, he’ll walk in with his beautifully tousled hair, his hazel brown eyes scanning the room to find you, and a smile against the already sweet expression of his. To reiterate, he was perfect, and he had been yours. But to tragically replace the present with the future, he wouldn’t search for you, not anymore. And you wouldn’t find a smile on his face, rather a blank expression, like you were a stranger.
So before that could happen, you decide to hide. Explore the walls, the flowers, the empty design behind every door, and match it with your heart. Walking around, you hear familiar voices, a wave there, and a simple ‘I’m good, how are you’ sufficed.
There was a moment you hoped to find him, to greet him accidentally, and for him to greet you back. You missed him; there was no escaping the fact. It terrified you. You couldn’t bear to see him again; you couldn’t take it. And there was some part of you that only came to the party for him, hoping for him to come through, to love you again — how stupid. Naive girl wishes on a broken star, an inkling of hope washed away by the rain, the same rain that made him kiss you once, now holds your heart and his ignorance.
Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips
The stairs led you to the balcony, a solace provided the warmth of the night. Escaping the cold, hearing the ocean lap its course, you felt near home. From your pocket, you took out a pack of reds, held it in your mouth before fishing your other pocket for a lighter. Fuck.
“Forgot something?”, you were so entirely fucked. With the cigarette still in your mouth, you turned around, almost flinching at the sound of his voice.
“Luke,” you mumbled, shocked. “Here, let me.” he took out his lighter, the same one that you gifted him. If you’d turn it around, it’d have your initials together. It was silver, and you were pale.
With your eyes trained on his hand, he brought the lighter up to the cigarette, lighting it for you. Blinking, as if he’d disappear — you felt heat rush inside you, quickly, you held the cigarette out by your hand. Exhaling the distress and smoke, you turned back to the railing. You needed to ground yourself before you fell back into his arms.
“You look great,” he said with a tint to his speech; he’d been drinking. And to add to the fact, he carefully took your cigarette from your mouth and took a puff.
Yeah, he was far from sober. To be honest, you were beginning to be too.
And please don't drink more beer
Your voice trembled at this point, “Don’t, just,” you paused to turn your head back to him, to grasp the sight before your eyes. He was beautiful, but he wasn’t yours. Sweet Luke Castellan, under all the alcohol, you could still see him. “You can’t do this to me, Luke. You can’t say that.” You shook your head, gritting your teeth, taking the cigarette back for a puff. Zeus knew you needed it.
“Why?” He sounded a bit more together this time. “Can’t I compliment a friend now?” He chuckled darkly. Your heart sank. Is that what he wants? Is that what he’s been thinking about?
Scoffing, you find him close to you, leaning into your presence, trying to get you to look at him. “What do you want from me, Luke?” You ran a hand through your hair. He just kept staring.
I'ma crawl outta the window now
“I’m just going to leave now, thanks for the productive conversation,” you rolled your eyes. The silence was too deafening, and with the music blaring through the speakers, one was better than the other.
Moving beside him, you tried to leave, but it was his hand that strongly grasped yours and pulled you back. To the front of him, “Don’t leave, not again,” he admitted, a strange whisp of vulnerability to him. “Luke, leave it.” You were unsure of what to say, “Fuck, stop doing that.” he let go of you, taking a huge sip of his beer.
“Doing what?” You toyed with your arm, the same place he touched you. It felt like a burn, like you’d be reduced to ash any second now.
“Saying my name,” he looked up from the floor, “Well, what do I say then?” you questioned.
'Cause I don't like anyone around
“Anything, anything but my name.” he turned his head, “Why not, Luke?” You tested his patience, the buzz from the liquor treading your veins, giving you a sense of confidence.
“Gods, why can’t you ever listen to me?” he poked his cheek with his tongue, looking at you with something you knew all too well. Selfishly, you couldn’t help but return it.
“Why are you really here, with me?”, you drunkenly asked. There was something stuck in your voice, escaping, and he caught it. Sheepishly, he tucked his hands into both his pockets and shrugged, “Everyone else bored me.”
You laugh into the midnight air, “So what, you’re here to do what exactly?”, “Cause I think you can probably go back to Chris, or anyone for that matter — I’m not-”, before you could get your point across, he interrupted you.
“I want to be with you,”
Kinda hope you're followin' me out
Your breath hitched — what did he mean by that? “Lu-You- what?” you whispered, flinching at the mention of his name again. “I told you,” he stepped closer, engulfing your skin in his hands, “I want you,”
But this is definitely not my crowd
“What are you doing?” You wanted to get out of his grasp and his presence in general. You felt your whole body feign fire across, “You can’t say my name like that and expect me to act normal,” he leaned in just close enough so that our breaths turned into one, the smell of beer and tobacco drowned into the arousal forming — and so did we.
Nineteen, but you act twenty-five now
It was only a second after that he kissed you. It didn’t start warm, no. We knew time was running out, you knew he kissed you like that when he needed you, “Friends, yeah?”, you mumbled in between breaths,
“Fuck that.”
Knees weak, but you talk pretty fly, wow
Taking advantage, he took control of the kiss, hands splayed messily and lazily wherever he found me, trying to salvage the hunger from our time apart. You could only hold him delicately, like he was bound to break.
Moaning into the kiss, he groaned, “I missed you.” he trailed a rough path of kisses down your lips, from under your jaw, to your neck — leaving you to grab the railing behind you, a euphoric fervor rushing through your body. You felt him everywhere.
Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed
Leaving a mark on your neck, he prided himself on making you his again, even if it was temporary, even if it was something he’d have to rush. He loved to return to you, the smell of your skin, the kiss of your soul — and to have that as something familiar, he felt like the luckiest guy on Olympus.Sure, the beer helped drown reality for a while, but this, whatever you were doing to him, felt real. If only it were more than the surface, but you both were waves crashing onto the shore, into each other, and he couldn’t wait to delve deeper. Completely and irrevocably breathe underwater. It remained blue without you, and he didn’t give up that easily.
Take me where the music ain't too loud
“Can we take this upstairs, or somewhere less...public?” you whispered, shying away from the open air around you. “Yeah- yeah, we can do that,” he nodded,
Trade drinks, but you don't even know her
“I have my car parked outside, we can go to my place – or yours?” he nervously uttered, “Whatever’s closer,” you looked at him, and the urge to kiss him and his annoyingly gorgeous features returned, “Just don’t make me wait,” he laughed, and you followed.
Save me 'til the party is over
Closing the door, he didn’t waste any time on getting you all over him again. “I’ve dreamed about this,” he admitted, while you spent your sweet time catching up with his neck, sighing in pleasure, “About you.”
You felt time stop. You paused, and he stiffened, “Gods, Luke.” You went red, and you couldn’t help but smile into a laugh, “Stop being a romantic, and kiss me.” You avoided the rush of butterflies in your stomach, “Don’t know about romantics, but kiss you — that I can do.”
You and he weren’t oceans apart after all.
Kiss me in the seat of your Rover
He kissed you calmly, gently, as if the clock chimed with his pace, putting on a show. You climbed onto his lap, comfort leaving the situation, almost feeling the touch of his heat against yours; it was nothing new, but it had been so long, you felt a charge of electricity shoot through you.
Real sweet, but I wish you were sober
It was ultimately up to the fractured meaning of intoxication that led you both to intimacy, finding a place to rest your hearts for a while, to find meaning, and to find each other. But when reality would seep in, he would ignore it — while you traced it in with his touch.
Trip down the road, walking you home
Somehow managing to drive and keep his hands to himself, while you teased him throughout, you made it to his house, his own apartment. A place that would recognize you immediately, the walls blue with your essence, the furniture you chose, the bed that hid your naked body, while he cherished it under the lights of the same place.
You kiss me at your door
It was only when you made it inside that he leapt over you. Hands through your hair, moving down towards your shirt, while you unbutton his, lips moving filthily across each other, tongues clashing in a war where none would choose to win.
Pullin' me close, beg me, "Stay over."
Taking off his shirt, you mapped his skin with your palms, feeling each and every new change of his with admiration. A scar from the battlefield, a regret, and a secret — you knew the reason for each one.
Moving through the house, he loitered the way with your clothes and you with his. By the time you reached the bedroom door, you were almost completely naked, and he was too. “I missed the way you touched me,” you admitted shyly, kissing him softly. “You’re the only one who knows how to,” he doubled the weight of the meaning.
With words colliding over and over, clothes weren’t a question anymore; it was only the two of you under the covers, and the desire and sanctity of each other's bodies welling together.
But I'm over this roller-coaster
Soon after, the pillow heard sweet nothings and whispers of the same two pair, and you felt high. Simply too merged to make out a simple reason for leaving, so you did what you truly wanted to.
You stayed.
I'ma crawl outta the window now
It was only when the sun’s rays pierced your eyes open that you realized the gravity of the situation. He had weighed you down with his show, something you couldn’t grasp the reality of, the deluded love of yesterday, was something of fiction today.
Getting good at saying, "Gotta bounce."
Silently getting up from your spot, his eyes remained shut, but you knew he knew. You were leaving, bolting the second you got your hands on your clothes.
Honestly, you always let me down
On the way outside, you glanced at yourself in the mirror. Hair a mess, body a mark of his, and clothes crumpled — the walk of shame welcomed you with open arms, the morning after always hurt with a deep swell, something you’d question for days to come now. What else would be the repercussion of such a sin?
You truly believed he’d wanted this, because you did. Wasn’t that ever going to be enough? It wasn’t the night, it was simply him who wanted you, finally — he said he missed you, and he showed you the world you once had together, that must’ve been real.
Real sweet, but I wish you were sober
But he was drunk. And the party was far from over.
...
wrote this for @dotdoting and she lowk got me obsessed w luke too AHA i hope whoever's reading liked it 🫶
