Reflections for Self-Awareness and Development

[vk20002]

I haven’t gone a day without thinking of you ever since our very first conversation

[what-even-is-thiss]

The thing is that at some point you need to confront the fact that thinking you’re the worst person on planet earth is also a form of ego.

“You’re not the main character” often applies to people who think everything will go their way. But not every story is a heroes journey. Some are tragedies. Do you see yourself as the main character of a tragedy? You’re not the main character applies to that as well.

Thinking that you’re so uniquely annoying that that literally nobody on planet earth would like you is also a form of thinking you’re special and can also in certain ways be harmful to the people around you.

At some point you need to realize that there is no main character. Nobody on planet earth is inherently at their core more or less lovable than other people and even with very big mistakes almost nobody is beyond redemption or love. And you are not some special exception to either of those things. Thinking that you are is just your ego and mental illnesses talking.

Sometimes getting better involves being kind to yourself. Sometimes it involves getting a damn grip. Which one do you need? That’s up to you to find out. Probably some combination of both.

[cheeselover917]

It's been ages

I just read the last post I had on here, and it was during the time my lola passed away. I started crying reading about her legacy and that whole experience. These things happen and we find the strength to carry on with life. But it's also important to let yourself feel all the emotions, and crying felt really good.

It feels like ages ago, and now I'm in a totally new place in my life, both figuratively and literally.

Opening up this blog again feels like I'm opening some sort of chest with lots of cobwebs that just dusting it all off. I looked at my "About Me" page which still listed my age as 25, and I'm 28 now! I also started going through some blog drafts that I'd written centuries ago, and spotted one draft filled with rage and resentment towards my parents during the pandemic. I promised myself that this blog will have none of that, and that is probably why I didn't post it. This blog is about thoughts that I have had time to process.

I do think it's funny though that during that time, I'd written in the draft:

"The best option now is really to move out. And the best way to move out is to move abroad."

Look at me now. Literally on the other side of the Globe. In Canada. I've been here for the past 10 months. How amazing is that?!?! Typing that out, and sharing this with my partner literally made me start bawling my eyes out.

Being here feels like something that's always been meant for me. I'm so glad I made this really big move. I remember that the best feeling was stepping out of the airport, and just standing on the sidewalk being overwhelmed with the fact that I. Am. In. Toronto. I. Am. In. Canada. What!!!

I thought to myself, I can literally do anything I want to do from here on out. I can build a life of my own or really wreck it, and no one is there to hold me back and watch out for me anymore. It was so scary and thrilling and exciting!

I met so many kind souls here, and made so many meaningful connections. I feel like my life is so full and rich here, and I feel so free and happy. The only part that's missing is my partner.

Literally living my dream is not without challenges though. These days I've been feeling anxious, clouded and on edge. I don't really understand my emotions yet, but it's just great to reflect and reconnect with myself after so long.

Let's hope I'm able to figure stuff out and journal more.

[cheeselover917]

are you gay?

That's a rude question. I'm bi :P

[plain-flavoured-english]

Your purpose in life is not to love yourself but to love being yourself.

If you goal is to love yourself, then your focus is directed inward toward yourself, and you end up constantly watching yourself from the outside, disconnected, trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of.

If your goal is to love being yourself, then your focus is directed outward towards life, on living and making decisions based on what brings you pleasure and fulfillment.

Be the subject, not the object. It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself. You are experiencing life. Life is not experiencing you.

[saxifraga-x-urbium]

Thank you this is the first post about self love that hasn’t made me want to throw things

[bluecheer]

i started to go on a bit about this on my twitter, but niceness, kindness, and compassion are literally what keeps humanity alive and running and worth living in. Kind people carry humanity on their backs. The things you do that you dont think matter that much—holding the door for someone, playing with your pet, smiling at a stranger, picking up litter—these things matter to someone and something else. Your kindness helps the world no matter how little you think it impacts it. I cannot stress or overexaggerate enough how important kindness, unity, humanity, and compassion are, especially now. We wouldn’t be where we are today without people like you, me, changing the world as big or as little as possible, brightening someones day, talking to someone, donating to someone in need, complimenting someone, helping each other.

Your kindness is what makes you human. You truly do put goodness/good energy into the world and it will return to you. It makes you feel good! It makes others feel good! I know things are as grim and miserable as they could be, and its very disheartning, but please hang on to your compassion, your love, your drive. Please just be kind, its all we have left.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

How to Care Less about what Other People Think

1. Know what matters to you, personally – what you stand for, and what your values are .

2. Don’t be anxious about breaking social norms. The more often you do this, and go against the flow, the less it will bother you to simply be yourself.

3. Decide not to live as a people pleaser, or to get upset and take rejection personally.

4. Hang out with people who are self confident, who know what they believe in, and what they want from life. You’ll find their self-confidence will rub off on you, too, and you’ll start to worry less about what other people think.

5. Working on becoming more competent in the skills and areas that matter to you. That will naturally enhance your self confidence, and develop a self image that is strong and positive.

6. Travel, or spend time with lots of different people. That will show you how diverse attitudes and outlooks are. That is, there’s no one way of being – so find, and be, yourself.

[lovelysuggestions]

i never realized how happy i could really be until i met you

[lovelysuggestions]

when everything feels hectic, like you’re stuck between crashing waves, like you have lost control of the situation around you, take a moment for yourself. find calmness, find clarity, find what you need to keep pushing on.

[cheeselover917]

My Lola Passed Away

On Saturday morning, I woke up and got up from bed to find my mom crying at the dinner table. She told me she received word from Bohol that my lola had a really bad fall and wasn't in good condition. She had hit her head and was unconscious in the hospital. A part of me was really concerned because I knew that a really bad fall for someone my lola's age (92 years old!) could cost them their life...Although if was indeed fatal, I'm sure my lola had already lived a full life... But another part of me thought that my lola is strong and would power through. Another part of me thought of how my dad must be feeling, because he couldn't come home to visit his own mom due to quarantine measures/ lockdown.

As the day progressed, I would receive more tidbits of information that made me realize that the situation was graver than what I'd expected. She had slipped into a coma, and if ever she woke up, she would be a vegetable for the rest of her days.

My mom and my relatives pleaded with the hospital to give my lola a private room with ICU-level care, because the ICU unit was already full. There aren't many hospitals in the province so this was our only option. Thankfully, the hospital agreed to my family's requests.

Once the room and set-up was settled, my parents felt optimistic. Hoping for a miracle, my mom called me and my siblings to tell my lola to wake up from her sleep. The request made me feel uneasy, but I proceeded to the master bedroom to join the group video call.

When I saw my lola's condition, I felt sad and powerless imagining how much pain she must be feeling, and knowing that my family, especially my dad, was miles away from her. I couldn't bring myself to tell her to wake up, because I didn't want her to be in pain anymore. At that moment, I could say that I already accepted the inevitable.

Later on, mom would call me and my siblings one by one to join her as we watched my lola bleed and fight for her life. Her vitals had dropped. She was gone but they revived her with the help of medicine. Overwhelmed with emotions, my mom asked us repeatedly, "Do we let go of lola now?" We were all in a state of shock and didn't know what to say. I felt the burden of having a say in the decision to end someone's life. We frantically called my dad to join the call - we didn't want to make that final decision without him. We waited several minutes before he finally picked up the phone.

My mom told him what was going on. I felt sorry for my dad, because he's stuck in Saudi in this quarantine. Even if he did have a means to travel, he would probably end up stranded or in an isolation facility, and we'd be risking his health and safety too. I felt for him because his mom was dying and he couldn't even be there for her. He gave out a deep sigh, and decided that we needed let go. When he said the words, I somehow felt relieved that my lola would no longer be in pain, but I also felt the immensity of the decision.

I was really stunned. We started telling my lola that if she wanted to let go, we will let her. I wasn't crying, but then everyone started sobbing and I couldn't hold back my tears.

My lola passed away at 6:30pm on June 27, 2020. Her death was sudden, but she was able fight long enough to give us time to say goodbye and let go.

It took everyone by surprise, because for a 92 year old, she was really healthy. She was strong enough to walk and stand on her own. She had clear eyesight and only needed glasses for reading. She didn't have any illnesses - well, she developed diabetes, but only due to old age. Even as doctors told her not to eat mangoes, or fried food, or this and that, she would still eat them and be completely fine. Pretty hardheaded and badass. She wanted to live to be 100 years old just so she could receive Php 100,000 from the government. She probably would have been able to had it not been for her fall.

It was a huge loss because she was a jolly and light-hearted spirit. My memories of her consist mostly of her laughter, and of her authenticity and simplicity. She's also a really religious person. She would pray the rosary regularly, and wake up really early in the morning to walk to mass. She was very kind and generous. She would constantly give gifts to her relatives. I kind of feel bad because I don't remember any of her gifts, but I remember how she always made me and my siblings feel like a gift to her.

When we would visit her, I can feel her joy just seeing us. As we spent the day with her, she would mostly just sit on the couch and just let us be... as we were playing around as kids or just minding our own business. I fondly remember her quietly reading the newspaper on her couch, and I could feel that she was happy just to be in our presence, even if we didn't interact as much. In hindsight, I felt the love oozing from her just simply being there.

I guess this made me regret not getting to know her more? Not reaching out more? When she used to live in Manila, we would go to visit her regularly. But when she moved to Bohol, she would usually call me more and ask me how I am, and how the family is. I remembered that she had just called me on Monday, and my sister and I were able to talk with her and tell her how we were. She offered to tell us about how she's been and how's the lockdown's been affecting her. At least we got to talk before she passed, even for just a little while.

Looking back, I rarely remember moments when I would reach out to her. I guess maybe when someone passes away, people become faced with thoughts of - "was I loving enough to this person?" or "Did I show how much I truly appreciated them?" I'm thinking about the answer to these questions... and maybe there is no way to truly sum up or measure if my love and my actions were enough... and there is really no way to know how she truly felt now that she's gone... Perhaps I just have to hope and trust - Trust that I have shown her my love, in a simple, quiet and caring way, and hope that in her final moments, she felt that too.

I'm glad to say, though, that we never missed her birthday. My dad and his cousins would always make sure we were together on her birthday. My titos and titas would help us bring her to Manila on her birthday. I'm grateful for those moments that we made her happy and came together to celebrate her as a person. And I know she was incredibly happy during these moments too.

Right now, I'm anxious and more tired that usual from dealing with the whirlwind of emotions. Amidst all these feelings, my family needs to deal with the hospital biIls, funeral expenses, and the logistics of everything. It feels with cold and clinical, but the other side to it is that it's a process for us to somehow take of her even as she's passed away, and for other to take care of us while we grieve. I'm grateful for the support my family and I have received from my relatives, friends, and my girlfriend all throughout.

I feel like there is so much to do, but I can't seem to rest. I lie awake at night these days because I can't take the image of her in that hospital bed off my mind. I'm anxious because we haven't gotten a schedule for her flight to Manila. If she were buried in Bohol, it would take us 7-10 years to exhume her remains and we wouldn't be at peace thinking of her and my lolo's wish of being buried together. With each condolence from family and friends, I'm comforted in knowing there are many people who love my lola and support me and my family. However I'm also reminded of our loss each time. I'm more tired (and hungry) during the day, maybe because my body's trying to keep up in dealing with all emotions and treading this unfamiliar situation. I feel incredibly drained to do anything productive, but life carries on. I try to take my mind off what happened by distracting myself on social media, or burying myself in work - really just trying to go through normal life again. It helps me escape for a little while.

I guess what comforts me is the loving, gentle, and light memories I have of her. Remembering her in this way helps me get up in the morning and go through each day. As I take time to grieve, writing this journal entry is a reminder to myself to be aware of all the feelings I have, and to be accepting of these feelings and however way I cope. It's a difficult time, and it's unfamiliar territory, but I trust in myself and in everyone that we're all just doing our best. I trust that my lola is in a better place now, watching over us. All will be alright in time.

[cheeselover917]

Retreat Day Reflections

Today, I’m taking some time off social media to look inward and reflect on my mental and emotional well-being, my goals, and my values. I’ve been feeling exhausted lately amidst everything that’s happening around the world, and I also feel isolated from everyone I hold dear. I noticed that I’ve been talking down on myself, and I don’t like the person I’m becoming. All these feelings are a sign that I need to take a break.

So based on my observation, these are some of the things that haven’t been working for me, which I want to deal with:

Unhealthy attachment to social media -> “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

I noticed that even though I had turned off my phone today, whenever I would go to my bed, I would immediately take my phone out of habit and get ready to scroll. It made me think about how much time I really spend on that thing (Note: I should check my screen time later). 

Out of all the apps I use, I probably use my social media apps the most, just mindlessly scrolling through my feed filled with politics/ news, memes, travel photos, or photos of puppies. Just typing that down makes me feel sort of empty and dead inside.

Although it’s nice to be updated with what’s going on, it’s not exactly a meaningful way to spend most of my time. I feel like my insecurities and anxiety are somewhat heightened when I go on social media, because it’s definitely one way to procrastinate, and also because it makes me focus more on image and relative success. 

While image is somewhat important, too much focus on public image without working on my core will really throw me off balance. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” It’s more important to work on one’s own values and happiness, because this will nourish my life and help me feel content. Realizing that social media can be a place where people build up their image, I also feel that it’s important not to compare my own life to my mere perception of other people’s lives. Well, it’s important not to compare my life to other people’s lives, period.

So for today’s break, I’m keeping my phone switched off for a social media detox. Starting from now, I will also build the habit of spending less time mindlessly scrolling on social media. I think trying other hobbies not connected to technology in general will really help.

Negative self-talk and fear of failure -> “Life is abundant. I am enough”

I have this inner voice that tells me “I hate myself” or “You’re shitty” whenever I make mistakes, or even just remember past mistakes. I think that this inner voice developed because of my parents’ perfectionism about everything that I say and do. Their voice of judgement has grown inside my head, and I carry it wherever I go. 

I’m sure that they have good intentions, but this really brings down my self-esteem. It sends a message to myself that I need to be perfect, and that there is no room for mistakes. It really sets me up for failure and disappointment, because it is impossible not to make mistakes. It’s impossible not to fail.

Time and time again, I’ve struggled with my fear of failure. Sometimes, I get so hung up on the consequences of my aspirations that I end up not pursuing them at all. My analysis paralysis really hinders my chance to grow and learn, and really, it’s better to try and fail than to have not tried at all. 

I know that failure is something that we have to embrace and come to terms with, but my inner voice still tells me that mistakes are something to hate myself for, and that there is so much to lose. This comes from a mindset of scarcity and control. It comes from a way of thinking wherein there is no room to fuck up because I might lose what I have, and wherein my success determines my self-worth.

The truth is, what’s done is done, and all I can do is learn from my mistakes and take action. Life is abundant, and offers several opportunities and chances to try again. In some cases, I just need to move forward. 

I’m changing the narratives I tell myself.  I promise to tell myself: “I’m learning. I did my best. I stumbled this time, but life is abundant. I am enough, and I will try again.” This will be my mindset every time I think of my mistakes, because it is the truth and I need to believe in it.

Need to please others -> “Love is uplifting the highest good of others and yourself.”

I have this tendency to always say “yes” to everyone, and to go out of my way to help other people. I have difficulty saying “no”, and I feel really guilty whenever I do. Again, I feel like this developed because of my upbringing. I needed to always please my parents, especially my mom because if I didn’t do what they say, there were always consequences - I would earn their ire and neglect. Their demands were always unpredictable, so I was brought up to preempt their needs, and other people’s needs to.

There’s nothing wrong with being aware of others’ needs and lending a hand, but if I do this at my expense, then it only shows what little value I give to myself. I am reminded of lesson that seems so bold and so obvious at the time: “Love is uplifting the highest good of others and yourself.” If I want to be loving, I must always remember that I am part of the equation. Will helping others sacrifice my own well-being and craft? How can I truly help this person, and also be loving to myself? Others may need help, but I can simultaneously choose to value my own time, effort and work.

Maybe I need to rephrase the question when people make their requests. It’s not a “yes” or “no” question. It’s a call to ask myself: How can I choose love?

Pessimistic world-view -> “I calmly accept the things I cannot change, I courageously change the things I can, and I am compassionate in knowing the difference.”

With everything that’s going on in the world’s political landscape, I’ve noticed that my hope and faith in people have gradually eroded into despair. I’ve been more vocal about societal issues, thinking that I could change people’s minds. However, I feel that online protests / commenting on other peoples’ posts do not really do anything to change people’s minds unless they are open to change. Since I cannot change how people feel, I feel that my voice is lost in the sea of social media, and that I’m screaming into an echo chamber with no audience. Why should I still call for change when my voice doesn’t matter and it seems that evil keeps winning at every turn?

From this, I’ve realized that I have placed societal change as something that I could control. Yet again, I’ve been setting myself up for failure, because what happens in society is totally out of my control. The outcome of social movements depends on so many factors, such as the collective will of the masses, the support of the elite, and the action of the establishment. Yes, I do have a small voice as one person, but I am a part of something bigger, and change can happen with the right action in the right circumstances.

--

I think I’ve released everything that’s been holding me back recently. Really, it all boils down to my prejudice, my fear of failure and rejection, and my need to control. I needed to pause and reflect on myself, and so far, I’m feeling refreshed bit by bit. 

I just needed to remember and embody these lessons:

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

I’m learning. I did my best. I stumbled this time, but life is abundant. I am enough, and I will try again.

Love is uplifting the highest good of others and yourself. How can I be loving in everything I do?

I calmly accept the things I cannot change, I courageously change the things I can, and I am compassionate in knowing the difference.

The next step I want to take after my reflections today is really living out what I realized, and knowing what I want to do in life. 

I feel that I need to go on a journey of self-discovery before I commit to something. Best of luck to me :)