My boyfriend has really vivid, elaborate dreams. Heāll often wake up and talk about some grand narrative- travel, exploration, politics, performances. Iāve always been a little jealous, he can hold really good plots together for them sometimes.
But anyway, this does have a downside; vivid, elaborate dreams make for vivid, elaborate nightmares. I can usually tell when itās one of those nights, since he grinds his teeth pretty badly.
I was never quite sure what to do when I knew he was having a bad time of it, though the grinding alone was enough to worry me and push me towards intervening. I used to just shake him gently, hope to rouse him just enough to reset the dream or something, but it wasnāt too effective and anyway waking him up all the time isnāt good for rest.
Iām rather proud of the strategy I eventually settled on: gently, so as not to wake him up, Iād lay one arm across his hands, wrapping his fingers around me so that he was holding on. Nightmares being nightmares, I can usually count on a pretty tight grip when this happens.
It may seem a little odd, but consider that holding on to something with both hands is typically a very agentic frame of mind. We hold on to things that give us power, in one way or another, and possessing objects often makes us feel powerful in some respects. That has consequences, even for a dreaming mind.
I knew it was working when he woke up rather mystified from one such dream, and told me that heād been running through the caverns of some dungeon or cave system, pursued by monsters, but then all of a sudden he was holding a giant anime sword and fought them off instead. So I got to be a sword for him that night, I was delighted.
I donāt usually get to know exactly what happened, since even for a very vivid dreamer like Ritter, nine tenths of these things get forgotten. But I know Iāve been things like door handles, steering wheels, stuff like that. And even when I donāt know what I am to him, he doesnāt grind his teeth nearly as much- the sleep is deeper and more peaceful, so I get plenty of feedback that itās working.
Itās such a perfect encapsulation of love in microcosm, isnāt it? No matter how much you mean to them, and how much they mean to you, the gap between two conscious lives is fundamentally separating you. But fundamental does not mean insurmountable. Thereās this whole world in him, full of dreams and perspectives that Iāll never truly experience. But I will be a part of those worlds all the same, finding little ways here and there to make sure that the dreams of me make him a better, stronger, and happier person.
Or at least, so one hopes. Itās a difficult challenge, and things often go awry. But usually you get at least a little lucky.
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