The Daily Chips Cheese Naan

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'Racist put ham into Muslims’ shoes' - N dis iz y i am proud too be brittish

This wouldn't look out of place in an episode of Brass Eye. Hint hint, Chris Morris.

This is some fantastic reading and has easily made my day; you can always count on The Sun for a chuckle.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3621793/Racist-stuffed-ham-into-Muslims-shoes.html

As a rebuttal, I suggest they crucify someone related to him and stick it on his lawn.

P.S. - If you can't detect the facetious undertones of my spelling and guise as a retard, I'm amazed you're not in a coma.

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'I just want to be in a controlled environment: have a Coke, a tuna sandwich; just mong out to some Snow Patrol'

Super Hans, Peep Show

One of the most 'moreish' programs ever to grace British television. But it's alright, keep plugging shit like Glee and The Secret Millionaire. If you don't watch it, watch it.

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Inspirational monologues: entry 2

Kumar: So, you think this is just about the burgers, huh? Let me tell you, it's about far more than that. Our parents came to this country, escaping persecution, poverty and hunger. Hunger, Harold. They were very, very hungry. They wanted to live in a land that treated them as equals, a land filled with hamburger stands. And not just one type of hamburger, okay? Hundreds of types with different sizes, toppings, and condiments. That land was America! America, Harold! America! Now this is about achieving what our parents set out for. This is about the pursuit of happiness. This night . . . is about the American Dream! Dude, we can stay here, get arrested, and end our hopes of ever going to White Castle. Or, we can take that hang glider and make our leap towards freedom. I leave the decision up to you.

This brought a tear to my eye. A beautifully moving exert from one of my favourite films. Plus, it has a cheetah in it. It's speeches like that which reaffirms my faith in humanity and strips me of my bitter nihilism. Please, don't fuck up Harold and Kumar 3.

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A few months ago, Wayne Rooney swore into the camera during a live televised football match, and the world briefly reacted as though he'd burst into a toddler's birthday party and brutally molested a duckling.

Charlie Brooker, The Guardian

If you want to see me brutally molest a duckling, I'll have a good old rummage through the family photo album. Oh Dad, you and your twisted drunken antics.

Charlie Brooker, you are a genius and I love you so very much.

NB Wayne Rooney does not molest ducklings. Just ancient hookers.

Yes, I made the pic. Banksy, eat your anonymous heart out.

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Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.

Linda, the news anchor on Futurama

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If this doesn't soften your icy heart, fucking shoot yourself.

This is like Mufasa's death + Bambi's mum's death x John Coffey. I know it's fictional, but you stay strong Will. You stay strong.

P.S. No-one mention Wild Wild West. That didn't happen.

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Things that are fucking beautiful/brilliant

An odd one today. Peter Criss.

Love them or hate them, KISS are undoubtably one of the most recognised bands in the world, with massive record sales and an almost religious fanbase. Ridiculous amounts of drugs and groupies would have been consumed throughout a career that Charlie Sheen would call 'an average Tuesday night.' However, through all the cocaine and anal sex, the unmatchable highs and the torturous lows, one man dared to brave it all... dressed like a cat? No, I'm not kitten you. (I'll get my coat.)

Yes, while some opted for the traditional demonic theme that we see all too often in metal, Peter Criss decided to have his face painted like a cat. And they lapped it up. (Again, sorry.) Watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7fxN3g5sLw

This is a man who's in a band fronted by someone who spits blood. But your mortal eyes take a solitary glance at him and you know he's the true rock God. He doesn't have to pretend to be infactuated with Satan or Norse mythology, he laughs at your petty ideas of what heavy metal is. Do you have any idea how surreal it would be to see his leathery hips thrusting some college dropout, his little whiskery face all scrunched up. I've not been as terrified by someone dressed as a cat since George Galloway.

So while Gene Simmons is often seen as the driving force behind one of the largest bands in the world, remember, it's Peter Criss who's getting all the pussy.

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'A HORRIFIC child sex crime is committed every TWENTY MINUTES, new figures show.'

What can I say? I have great stamina. ;)

On a side note, fucking lol at the journalistic quality at The Sun. There has to be a drinking game involving every time The Sun makes a retarded article or horribly forced pun. Rupert Murdoch, why won't you die, you monopolistic scrotum-faced cunt?

The worst thing is that they'll still hire professionals with high quality degrees and restrict their talent, passion and flair, until they write like Jordan's rotund offspring. There has to be some irony in a so-called newspaper pointing out the flaws in the country when they reduce Red Brick university graduates to writing for those with a reading age of 8. That isn't even a joke/exageration. Harvey Price, if you're reading this and not trying to eat the laptop, please, sort their shit out.

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What do Ryan Giggs and Andrew Marr have in common?

Due to the Human Rights Act (1998), this punchline has been removed by order of Mr Justice Eady.

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Jokes so shit they're brilliant

People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.

I know, I cringed too.

Courtesy of Daniel Maier.

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"The monkey's out of the bottle, man. Pandora doesn't go back in the box, she only comes out."

Saul Silver, Pineapple Express. Truly inspiring words, man.

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People who should die: Entry 2

Shappi Khorsandi, or as I like to call her, the single greatest argument for Sharia Law. This might be a highly ignorant/uninformed statement, but she's so unfuckingfunny that I don't really care. "I'm a women AND a Muslim comedian. How weird is that?" If anyone deserves to be stoned in the street, it's her. Every time she opens her mouth, women's rights go back 8 years. "I said dogging - where WILL I go next? I'm a ticking timebomb." (No pun intended. Or was it?)

Women comedians have been few and far between, so good luck to anyone trying to become one, but if this is the best we can muster, we've failed as a species. I know that popularity doesn't equate to talent (hint hint, Michael McIntryre) but there must be someone out there who wants to knock her off her throne of unfunniness. Vera Drake, where were you with your coathanger when we needed you?

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A whip. A noose. A nightstick. A branding iron. These things strike fear into a nigger's heart. A job application.

Uncle Ruckus, The Boondocks - As beautifully racist as ever. What a character.

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Inspirational monologues: entry 1

No, I won't patronise you with horribly clichéd shit like Independence Day or something predictable like A Few Good Men. No, this is the stuff that makes your balls moist and your eyes tear up like a 6 year old with an abusive, alcoholic father who's just lost the gas bill at the dog track. Better run for the hills, Jimmy, this right hook is for you!

Courtesy of Team America: World Police 'Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit'

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Things that are fucking beautiful/brilliant

Toffee Crisp; the most underrated chocolate bar in the UK.

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People who should die: Entry 1

Whoever made the Halifax adverts. Yeah, you cunt. I doubt you're reading this as I have a ridiculously small number of followers, but maybe you are, because hopefully you are unemployed and this is all your dial-up internet will allow. Hopefully, someone close to you has respiratory problems, or you lose a child in some sort of traffic accident. I hope you have to look into your husband/wife's motionless face and give permission for the Life Support machine to be switched off. I cannot describe just how badly I want everything terrible to happen to you. Singing "ISA ISA baby" to the riff of a song that ruined another song does not constitute humour. Putting a series of questions to an automated "Yeah yeah yeah." and then asking "Can I borrow your car?" to the same response is as far away from humour as Jordan is a respected author. You know they dropped Howard Brown for this shit? Do you have any idea how much flak he probably gets in the street? "I gave your wife extra last night, you dick." I hope you're proud of yourselves.

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I'm not, I'm actually lovely.