Chronically ill patients don’t even get the courtesy of being allowed to feel bad… Or even jostled, by the news of their condition… Or each new condition added on thereafter.
The doctor looks at you, tells you this or that, and gives you the old spiel about exercise and diet, maybe a pill or two, throw in some physical therapy, and then you pretty much have to figure it out on your own from there. We truly are our own best teachers and advocates.
When you tell your family and friends, they will give you unsolicited advice, tell you exactly why you are sick (“it’s because you like to eat Popsicles,” or whatever ignorant thing that pops out), ignore that you are actually seriously ill- like, legit ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist, pretend to listen, toss you a platitude, & go right back to discussing their current problem, or they will expect you to immediately have a plucky, can-do attitude- ready to tackle the new monster (or plural if you’re like most of us) illness that has attached itself to you.
*There may be one or two who genuinely do try to walk this road with us. Who listen and ask questions, who hold our hair when we are throwing up, who let us cry, who love us when we are our most unlovable. Thank you for that. You are a rare gem. *
But we are not allowed to grieve. To pause. To take time to be upset.
We are just expected to suffer 24/7 and always be in serious health decline, but always be of good cheer.
The thing is, most of us do that anyway… Because we are strong and we miss our lives and ourselves more than you ever could. So we laugh and smile, we go to the beach, we sing, we play, we do errands, we talk to you, we still push ourselves. You’ll never appreciate the cost, but we are paying the price every minute of every day. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be anything anymore, and illness has already stolen so much. Sometimes it can feel like we are just ghosts in the world.
So, you know what? Sometimes we need to withdraw and be sad, and cry, and sleep because our bodies are so overloaded from pushing so hard, and we need to just be angry and frustrated that everything was stolen.
It’s okay to be mad about it.
We just can’t stay there.
Sometimes we have to pull away, sink to the bottom again, and it’s super hard. We want to give up at the bottom It’s terrible-being sick every single day, not one break- not ever. We smile for selfies on days that normals would be in the ER. Isn’t that absolutely crazy? Resilience is a marvelous thing.
And that is what makes up come back up from the bottom. What makes us try again even though we know where it leads. We WANT to be normal. But we are not. Even though you don’t want to believe it, we are sick. Very sick.
Just let us feel bad sometimes.
You get to feel bad when you have a cold for two days.
We will keep trying, just let us have our sick days sometimes too.