Welcome to Circular’s Reasoning! We’re a pro-endo, pro-syscourse conversation system of 14 who are vocal about syscourse and about how it affects us, and we want to post about our experiences, both in the community and in-sys. This blog is dedicated to our personal experiences!
Quick About:
26
White
Collective They/Them or It/Its. Do not use you& with us.
We go by Circular System or Combo Pack, collectively. You can call us Circ!
In a relationship with a singlet!
Some of the Sideblogs:
@memoriesofthecircularroom - An archive of the past 5 or so years of me being in the community!
@positivitycombopack - A positivity blog for fellow DID/OSDD systems.
@circular-bircular - A more casual personal-syscourse blog. The majority of fast reblogs or non-nuanced takes will go there.
@circulars-userboxes - A collection of userboxes we enjoy. Please feel free to scroll through and see more about us!
@circulars-answers - A new blog for personal asks and stuff away from syscourse!
And @systemquirks - A submission blog where people submit what makes their systems or plurality unique!
I have other side blogs, of course, but these are the main ones I want associated with this account.
More information about our blog, about us, and about our BYF can be found below the cut! Happy scrolling!
About The Parts:
Rice: ❤️ Trauma vessel, 25, she/her and they/them.
Wade: 💙 Trauma holder, 25, he/him. QPP with Debra.
Sierra: ❤️ Caretaker, 25, she/her. Dating Debra.
Numb: 💚 Protector, 300+, he/him. Demonic. Married to Curtis.
Sie: 💗 Emotional caretaker, 7-11, she/her.
Debra: 🖤 Reformed Persecutor, age unknown, she/her. Shadow demon. Dating Sierra, QPP with Wade.
Curtis: 💜 Sexual Role, 30s, he/him. Married to Numb.
LED: 💛 Emotional caretaker, 10-22, he/him.
Ve: 🤍 Autopilot, age unknown, she/her and they/them. Angel.
Roy: 🧡 Protector, 30s, he/him. Introject.
Octavian: 💟 Dishes, 100+, he/him. Elf.
Avery: ❣️ Protector, 20s, she/her. Introject.
Gazi: 💌 Trauma holder, 12-13, she/her.
Wisteria: ✨ ANP, Age Unknown, she/they.
All of us interact with this blog. We do not use name sign offs, as it makes us uncomfortable when addressed directly, but we do have our own sign off phrases.
What is this blog?
It’ll mostly be syscourse takes. I seek to add my own insights into syscourse, either on other's posts or on my own. If you want to see regular reblogs without as much of my prompting, or less nuance, you can check out circular-bircular.
My biggest syscourse take is this: syscourse is garbage and damaging to people, regardless of their beliefs. I consider myself pro-endo, and occasionally used syscourse unaligned because I do not fall neatly into either “category” of syscourse. I also use the label sysmed inaccurately as a way to reclaim the trauma I’ve undergone in syscourse. Please look at my BYF for clarifications of my beliefs! Lastly, you could call me pro syscourse conversation -- I want to have these discussions, but in less harmful ways!
I just want a space where I can talk about syscoursey topics that ACTUALLY matter to me (like discussions about littles or in-sys relationships, for instance). So here that space is! I will likely touch on endogenic / traumagenic stuff as well, but I want to focus on stuff I’m actually passionate about - not just following what syscourse makes me angry about.
BYF
I want clarity of my beliefs for those who want to follow. These are what I feel the important ones are.
Fakeclaiming has never been and never will be okay.
People can be mistaken about their disorders (or lack thereof) and that’s okay.
Researched Self DX will always be valid.
Every person, regardless of their beliefs, deserves a baseline of respect.
Shared spaces can be beneficial, and exclusive spaces are needed too.
“Sysmed” and ”Traumascum” are transphobic in their usage.
I believe in endogenic plurality. Endogenic systems exist.
That’s just some of them. Obviously, this isn’t everything, but it’s a baseline.
I’m going to be liberal with the block button if you’re damaging for my mental or physical health. I do not owe anyone a response, nor do I owe anyone clarification. This blog is a personal blog to get my thoughts out of my head. Nothing more and nothing less.
I am NOT a professional. I’m just a person living life with DID. Please respect that.
For those who are concerned about block evasion: if we interact with you and you have MotCR blocked and would prefer we not interact, please let us know. We will block you ASAP to avoid further interaction.
Hey @ hunter & co -- thank you for the anon you sent during that whole stalking business. I never published it, somewhat out of fear, but primarily because it really helped to be able to look at someone telling me I was strong, and I am still strong and resilient and awesome. It really helps to hear that sort of thing. I want you to know I appreciate that anon a lot.
Hello, sorry for asking at this point, but is it possible for a headmate to evolve and have autonomy for any reason?
I don't see why not!
In general, the way I've started looking at my system: If it's reasonable to expect a person to be able to do it, then it's... likely reasonable to expect my parts to do the same. It won't ever be one-to-one, but it's reasonable.
It's reasonable to expect a person to change and grow over time for seemingly no reason. Why would my parts be any different?
If it's not too much trouble I was wondering if you could explain in more detail why you don't like the term "sysmed". I couldn't find a post of yours that directly addresses it and I want to learn more. It's a term I've used uncritically in the past because the comparison to transmedicalism seems reasonable to me but I haven't put much thought into it.
Hey there! Sorry this has sat for so long; I don't use this blog anymore and intend to delete it. Just clearing out the inbox.
I dislike the term for a lot of different reasons.
Virtue Signaling. Often, the people I see use the term sysmed are doing so less to critique the individual they're debating with, and moreso to trash literally anyone and everyone with an opinion that isn't Explicitly Pro-Endo -- and god forbid you be the wrong kind of pro-endo... It's a way to make yourself appear as "one of the good ones, not one of those icky sysmeds, sysmeds dni" etc etc.
Attacking your own. It's used primarily to attack anti-endos, but once again, god forbid you be the "Wrong" kind of pro-endo. I've seen people accuse others of using "sysmedical rhetoric" because of the most wild things. Parts language, going to therapy -- hell, I was banned from a server once for "sysmedical rhetoric" by saying that traumagenic systems can create traumagenic alters. How is saying "you can create alters" SYSMEDICAL? It's complete bullshit.
The lack of comparisons. You say in your ask that you've used the term in the past because the comparison seems reasonable. These are rhetorical, I'm not expecting an answer, but were you using the term to try to compare the argument being presented to that of transmeds? Because I genuinely almost never see this happen. For instance, using an example from above; I've been called a sysmed for saying "People should consider parts language as an option and a beneficial, healing thing." How is this sysmedical? How is saying this comparing to transmeds? Would the comparison be "People should consider trying different pronouns as an option and a beneficial, healing thing"?? What the hell kind of correlation is that? That's the best I could come up with. It just does not relate.
I think that's all I've got in me for sysmed -- I just really hate the term! I think it's largely pointless and ill defined.
Hey there! Clearing out my inbox here before I end up leaving this blog--
I did not actually make the syscourse code. I helped make some of the aspects of it in a discord server with the creator. The code is still available in a few places -- I would scroll back through @debunkingsystemscringe to see if you can find the post it was from.
I will say, it ain't the best -- it's a messy beast. But it served a purpose, however briefly.
You’ve mentioned before that you’re an English teacher, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to speak a bit on how you became one (education? certifications?) and what it’s like for you teaching while living with DID.
The reason I ask is, I’m a senior in high school and I’ll be going to college in the fall. I’m really worried because I have so many alters who all want different things for my life. But in general, I’m drawn to teaching and many of my alters are okay with the idea of pursuing this as a career - especially if I can teach English, which has always been my best subject (I’m in the US).
I’m really scared about entering the adult world, and want to be as prepared as possible for this shift. Hearing from a system who followed the career path I’m considering would be really amazing!
If this ask bothers you or if you’re not comfortable answering it, I totally understand. Thank you for your time and consideration!
- Freya
Hey!!! Sorry I missed this ask -- I hardly use this blog and actually plan on deleting it soon. Just need to get around to reblogging the important posts.
But this is an important one, and I really want to respond here, in the hopes that you'll see it.
I'm an English teacher for 6th grade in the US, and I can say that, without a doubt, college was harder than being a teacher is currently. Do not let your experiences in college stop you from your goal. The professors will not be kind to you, especially if you don't know what's happening to you.
I'm going to pop this under a cut because boy howdy I am rambling.
In terms of college and working to become a teacher with DID:
Firstly, and most importantly: Scheduling. You will need to be completely on top of scheduling out your few years of college. You don't need to be perfect, mind you, but please be aware of what classes are required and when you will take them. My college fucked me over on this. The reason it's so vital is because most education programs in the US are 5 year programs -- 4 years of college, and a 5th year of one semester of a "practicum" (an unpaid internship at a school). During your practicum, you're not supposed to take any extra classes. I was taking 3 classes on top of my practicum to stay under 5 years. Don't do this. Either bite the bullet and do that extra 5th year of schooling, or plan accordingly so you don't get stuck the same way I did.
Now that that's out of the way:
DID definitely impacted my ability to study for things. It really helped having someone else holding me accountable; my partner, my roommate for 3 of my 4 years of college, really helped me out and basically did the education degree alongside me in spirit. If you can, find someone else to help you study.
That someone else should not be a fellow education major. This is because almost all of them will drop out by the time you graduate. That's a sorry truth, unfortunately. In my Junior Literature class of 6 students in my junior year, only 3 moved on with their degree; in my senior year, I was the only one who moved on. This is because college is fucking grueling, and everyone dropped out, thinking teaching would be harder (I'll get to that).
Don't try to overcome your disorder in college. Don't try to heal or recover while going through classes. Try to survive. You do not need to focus on recovery immediately, and it is a BAD idea to pile that much on your shoulders while in college and while teaching. Try to maintain and survive as best as you can. Recovery is a process and it will work on its own as you go through.
You can absolutely bullshit your way through an English degree, easy. It's not hard. Especially if you start writing about fanfiction in Lit 101 -- or at least, in my experience, that got me far. If you know you'd good at English, I would highly recommend it, esp if you're good at School English.
For your other classes, you'll likely have to do gen ed credits. Be creative and have fun. To fulfill my math credits, I took programming and "mathematical excursions" (you do fun shit with math and learn to pay for a house -- it was incredible). To fulfill science credits, I took Astronomy as a night class and got to look through a telescope during a night class for an A. It was awesome. (Well, ok, that class sucked, but you get the point).
DON'T OVERSTACK YOUR CREDITS. I wouldn't go above 18 credits per semester. I usually did around 16, and the minimum we could do was 12. Don't go minimum, but do not overstack. Again, scheduling, don't overschedule yourself.
You'll take a form of practicum each year more than likely. This will be where you go to a school and teach for a bit, and then you'll go do homework about what you taught. In your first year or two, you won't be doing almost any of the teaching; you'll shadow a mentor teacher who will show you how to do the thing. This is honestly so beneficial, but...
TAKE NOTES. For fucks sake, the memory part of DID fucking destroyed me in college, and notes would improve everything. Take double notes, honestly -- physical notes while in the school, and digital notes once you get home.
GET ENOUGH SLEEP. DID leads to insomnia so frequently. Start trying to keep good sleeping habits now, because it WILL get worse as college goes on. Do NOT do what I did and try to survive on 3 hours of sleep a night. It is not sustainable and you will catch every single disease these kids transfer onto people, I swear to god.
The Dean of Students will actually help. A lot. Please go to them if you're struggling. If you can't go, then send someone you trust to advocate for you. In my senior year when everything was going to shit with my mentor teacher (she was a horrible woman) and the admin at school were shitty to me (again, a horrible woman in charge), my partner went to the Dean and advocated for me. That mentor teacher was forced to retire from the school the next year, and my admin had to extend my semester by 3 days to give me a better practicum with someone who could actually do their fucking job. Do not feel scared to advocate.
Please. Please, if you remember nothing, remember this: do not listen to your coworkers in your final practicum. Don't listen to what they say about you becoming a teacher. These people are jaded assholes who, in my experience, want nothing more than to bomb the school. I wish I was kidding, but genuinely, so many of them are horrifically jaded and don't want to be there, ESPECIALLY when your practicum starts (which almost always coincides with state testing schedules). Teaching is awesome, genuinely, so long as you enjoy it.
And lastly for the college aspect: It gets easier. It really does. College was absolute hell for me up through senior year. This was because not only was I doing full coursework (ouch), but I was also starting to really understand and process bits of my trauma (yikes) and I was still with my abusers (yikes). This makes it so, so much harder, in so many ways. And I still did it. And now, here I am to live and tell the tale, and now that I am a teacher?
This shit is so much more forgiving. I have slipped up so fucking much, but as long as you do your best and mean well, your bosses will fucking adore you. They desperately need warm bodies in the room to help make sure the kids don't set fire to each other, and you are certainly going to fit the job description if you give a single shit.
Be open about some of your issues, but not all. I'm very open at work that I suffer from a disorder that leads to amnesia, but I'm careful about how I do this. "I actually have an issue that leads to a lot of forgetfulness, so if it's possible that you could send me a reminder of that meeting, I'd appreciate it." That's all I needed, and now we have a group calendar and my coworker has forgiven me numerous times for missing something.
Your mistakes as a system are completely seen as just. Normal Ass Human Mistakes. Forgot a meeting? Happens to everyone. Broke down crying in front of the kids? Shit fam, the teacher across the hallway walked out last week, you're doing remarkably just because you stayed.
The kids can fuck you up. Genuinely. They WILL trigger you. You WILL get memories of your childhood and it WILL hurt. And you will get through them with patience, time, and understanding. It'll be okay. Please, work hard on reminding yourself that these kids are not actively malicious. They do not understand your perspective.
To that note, almost every single teacher I know has a therapist. It is not a shocker to be in therapy. Most teachers need it. If you don't have one, I highly recommend getting one, if just to bitch about your coworkers with someone who will nod and say, "You deserved better than that, you're right."
Most of teaching is paperwork and meetings. Like genuinely, it's kind of ridiculous. We have meetings every Monday and Thursday, with occasional meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's a LOT of meetings, and everything needs documented.
Work life balance. Please have one. This is when you start working on not bringing work home.
MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZZES ARE OKAY. GENUINELY. I was so firmly against them as a student in college -- "that doesn't test genuine knowledge!" Neither does school. Please save yourself the hours of grading and do a few multiple choice quizzes. In some counties the system you use will autograde them.
God I could talk about this for hours on end. I'm really genuinely happy to answer so many questions about this. If you want to know anything specific, feel free to ask. I'm also over on @circular-bircular and plan to use that as my main system blog, so you can ask me more questions there if you want.
I'm of the opinion that anti endo, pro endo, and endo neutral people could just coexist in peace and like, share resources or talk about the weather, but instead someone will harass someone else because they really have nothing else to do all day
so it's "you are not a real system muh muh!! no knowing about what is wrong with you until you're 69 with 3 kids, 2 part time jobs, and at least 420 major life events that happened this last month that broke your psyche for good so you can't cope anymore and you're ACTUALLY disordered now. also provide your entire trauma and medical history so I can make sure you're not lying" or "well AChKTUALLYh I can appropriate words that are explicitly not for me because my friend who is conveniently whatever I'm talking about said it's okay :) I don't care if you ask not to use it in your presence because it's disrespectful to you. I love crossing boundaries it's a nice hobby to have I can function well with other people"
I've seen some shit being in pro endo spaces that discourages me from talking about my disorder in the first place, despite being pro/neutral myself (it's nuanced)
when I'm these spaces I try to talk about anything but my polyfrag DID, because I'm either not taken seriously, or someone will find some excuse to invalidate my experiences and make things more confusing by using terms I've explicitly said not to use if you didn't have these experiences, such as polyfrag (it's not just a big system!!! jesus christ!!!)
meanwhile, anti endos also have hurt me, by indirectly hating on undiagnosed systems while masking it as being against systems who are too covert for their liking or "making symptoms up" which are often just signs of being polyfrag really
I know it's hard to hear it but disorders actually have different manifestations in different people, and my DID is only covert online because I let it
every space has its problems and we could just come to an agreement that plurality is plurality, traumagenic and endogenic plurality are inherently different, while also coming to an agreement that some terms are exclusive to traumagenic systems and some subsets of traumagenic systems, and that there are better hobbies than harassment. you know. peace and love on planet earth and all that, your syscourse stance doesn't necessarily mean you HAVE to be a fucking asshole
or if you can't stop being an asshat regardless of where you stand, you can always talk about something else. crazy weather out there these last few 40 years innit
📬- Syscourse replies encouraged
DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any
“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”
A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.
Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.
Just like that.
I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.
This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."
And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"
Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.
I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."
Why is who I used to be a burden?
Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?
Will it really make me taller?
My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.
"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy."
"You know... I fell in love with that version of you."
And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.
It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.
“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”
It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.
But I was far better than I made myself out to be.
stumbled across this piece and have been thinking about it ever since. It puts into wonderful words a topic we've been chewing on lately, these bits in particular:
Why is who I used to be a burden?
Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?
Will it really make me taller?
“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”
It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.
But I was far better than I made myself out to be.
Thank you, OP, for putting these words and this important energy out into the world... they are needed, they are heard, and they are appreciated.
“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”
A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.
Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.
Just like that.
I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.
This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."
And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"
Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.
I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."
Why is who I used to be a burden?
Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?
Will it really make me taller?
My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.
"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy."
"You know... I fell in love with that version of you."
And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.
It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.
“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”
It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.
But I was far better than I made myself out to be.
There is a major issue right now, in syscourse, about being too kind.
It's funny for me to say that -- after all, I'm the "respectability politics" syscourser, am I not? (And no, I have literally never forgotten that label being shoved on me). And the thing is, I really try not to be an asshole in syscourse, or overly pedantic, or just flat out mean -- because I'm a nice person, for fucks sake.
But that still doesn't negate that anger -- and yes, the occasional unkindness -- is needed. This constant shoving down of anger, this constant ridicule of passion and heat, is leading to a lot of incredibly traumatized people being incredibly hurt. Case in point: Me.
What follows is sort of half trauma dump, half vent, and all parts frustration that I'm trying to let out healthily. If you'd like the short version:
TL;DR: While syscourse can be harmful, it can also lead to a lot of joy. It can lead to new understandings. People telling me to back off, to not take it so seriously, are undermining a lot of that and echoing a lot of my past trauma. We should all be more willing to understand the impact these discussions have in real life.
I shoved down a lot of feelings these past few months. Shocker of all shockers, seeing lies being spread about myself and the people I love and the places I've worked to curate sort of pisses me off! But the message from everyone around me was "ignore the trolls, don't pay attention, don't engage--" And it promptly became translated into, "You aren't allowed to openly feel bad, and anyone being upset is a bad thing that needs to be fixed." I don't think this was intentional for many people. They were worried about me hurting.
But the issue was, these people -- traumatized people who have repeatedly been taught that their emotions are harmful -- were telling me that my emotions were harmful. Unsurprisingly, I suddenly was shoved back into this role of looking at and moderating every emotion.
I unmuted every vent room in every server I moderated for (and those I don't). I obsessively stalked many blocks I had blocked, simply to ensure I could brace myself for whatever thing might potentially upset someone else (not even myself -- I didn't care about those emotions). I even forced many of my friends -- the people who were watching me get hit and harassed and battered down every single goddamn day, who were worried about me, who wanted desperately to speak out against the heinous goddamn shit I was experiencing, who they themselves were experiencing -- to stay silent and bottle up their own emotions too.
You know what that all reminds me of?
Being available for those venting reminds me of that time I made sure notifications were on the night a friend sent me a suicide note -- one they later admitted was completely false, that they just were bored and wanted someone to talk to, and that would get me the most engaged. I was stressed by finals but instead of studying or taking care of myself, I stayed on the phone, texting with them for 3 straight hours, bawling my eyes out in fear. I was 18, and I never really grew out of this. I still sacrifice time and energy for people that not only don't deserve it, but who manipulate me into being there for them, no matter what. I don't know if I'll ever heal from that mentality.
Stalking the blogs I had blocked to make sure I knew everything, all of the time, no matter what? What a shocker for someone who memorized the squeaky spots on the floor, made sure to eavesdrop while walking silently through the house, learned to hide in the bathroom where they thought I couldn't hear them, made sure to open the window just a crack so I could hear them outside. To this day, I try to know everything, try to have google on hand, just in case someone asks me for more of my "somehow encyclopedic knowledge" on everything. People rely on me for that. I'm connected to everything, so nobody else has to be.
Making everyone else step back? How inventive, a traumatized person isolating themselves. I forced every single person around me (just like I always do) to pretend it was all fine, because if it wasn't all fine, then things would be bad, and if things were bad, I would melt down, and it would clearly be my fault, because wasn't it always, somehow, in the past?
(I'm still the most sorry about this one. I'm still trying to swallow that guilt and shame I have for letting it get that far, for hurting the people I love so much, just because I convinced myself I was just being stupid for being hurt, like I was always taught in my abuse. I'm so sorry to those of you who I forced to stay silent, just to keep the peace. You deserved so much better.)
Suffice to say -- it took removing myself from a lot of spaces for a cold shock to my system, splitting and not being able to be myself for a straight month, for me to even recognize this is what happened. It was so normalized for me, all my life. I had to emotionally regulate my parents, so it made sense that I had to emotionally regulate everyone else -- particularly when I was one of the people who was hurting.
All because "We can't let ourselves appear too angry -- that's not healthy for us."
As if how I became was healthy. As if the ball of anxiety and health problems I became, as if the nightmares and triggers I was experiencing were healthy. As if losing months at a time was fucking healthy for me. It took me until recently (and until today, writing this post, editing it, and reviewing it while panicking that I'm going to ruin everything if I ever post this) to even realize just how badly this hurt me.
I'm still flinching when I express a negative emotion to my partner. I had gotten over this. I had gotten better. Stabilized. But these past few months, forcing myself to be silent about my pain, forcing myself to not talk about anything negative... I slipped back. I let myself buy into the idea that my anger was ridiculous. That being so passionate was harmful. And look, Lord knows I've been vocal about how syscourse has hurt me. There were so, so many times where my anger took over, where I let myself become a person I look back on and cringe at, because that's just not who I want to be. But there's something called a window of tolerance -- or, as my queer ass therapist calls it, the rainbow of tolerance -- where you find a middle ground. You don't go to either extreme.
And I see a lot of major syscoursers lately (whether they consider themselves major or not) going to one extreme or the other, in their own ways.
In one camp, we have the polite overlords of kindness, hiding every shitty awful thing they say in a veneer of positivity and rainbows. Remarkably, no matter how nice something sounds, or how passionate someone is while being polite, it doesn't make it true, or somehow less harmful.
In another camp, we have the most obsessed goddamn people alive, raging about every little thing and making a post every 5 seconds about every little thing. The rage could be quiet or loud, but it's always just constant stirring of drama. (Looking at you, anti-endos posting incessantly recently about how much they hate endos...)
In yet another camp, and possibly the thing I want to address the most with this post, is those who are brushing syscourse off entirely. It's gaining more and more popularity nowadays. "How are you all caring so much about online discourse" types. "This isn't changing anything" types. The ones who insist that REAL activism happens in real life, and that this is so niche and small that it doesn't have any real impact to "just go and scream on tumblr about your feelings."
This is the one that's hurting me the most, right now, as I look back at a few years of being in syscourse. Because I managed to buy into it wholeheartedly these past few months. I managed to convince myself that this thing -- this place I love, the people I love -- were all wrong, and not only that, but were somehow self harming via this. That I was hurting myself by caring so deeply about misinformation, that I was actively self harming and encouraging others to do so, simply by engaging.
First and foremost: yes. Syscourse can absolutely be harmful. I am not trying to suggest it isn't. I have literally never suggested it isn't, and have vocally said it is harmful, multiple times, across several blogs.
Secondly, and far, far more importantly for this discussion: Syscourse can be beautiful.
I'm reminded of how I met a very, very dear friend -- @justanothersyscourse was the actual blog I'd talked to at the time -- and what I learned in that moment. I was sitting in a Covid testing line, terrified out of my wits, as a part who could barely comprehend anything he was reading online about disorders and dysfunction. He was trying desperately to understand, mostly because he had always been strong before, and now he felt so weak, being the way we were.
And he reached out to this major syscourser -- someone who seemed so angry about "something that's only online," about such a "niche topic that doesn't relate to the real world" -- and asked him, plainly, what was wrong with him. What was making him the way he was? Was everyone right about dysfunction and distress? Did he have to hate who he was just to be real?
And the overwhelming answer was, "No, and you are loved, because you exist, and you deserve it for that reason alone."
SAS didn't say as much in so many words -- actually there were a lot more words and sources thrown about, as well as olive branches all around. It burned me inside to reach out to him (he was anti-endo, after all, and I was not), but he still reached out to me with respect and kindness -- even if he sometimes acts immature, or rudely, or with language that would make a sailor blush.
I came out that day somehow feeling better than I had in years (despite, yes, having Covid). Because finally, a part of me understood... I wasn't broken. I didn't need to hate who I was, this fragmented self I was, because that's not what the criteria meant.
I want to ask each and every person who looks at syscourse with a disdain and dismissal, or who feels the need to post some swarmy holier-than-thou post about how above it they all are, or to remark on how everyone is too passionate and needs to take a step back, regardless of where they're actually at...
How in the 9 hells can I agree with you when I've had these experiences?
Again. I've been hurt by syscourse -- I feel the need to keep mentioning that, just because I know some of you fuckers are going to take this all to mean that I love syscourse too much, and that I'm too supportive of it, or god forbid that I'm fucking self harming by finally opening up about all of this. But the fact is, syscourse has helped me understand so much more about who I am, about the disorder I live with, and has led me to other avenues of research I never would've looked at otherwise. I've started studying Jung -- someone I had ZERO interest in before recently, I had to research far too much about him for my English degree as it is -- all because of the "Studies Proving Endogenic Systems" list I've been working through. I've started buying up self-help textbooks, because syscourse caused me to understand that my experience with therapists was NOT the norm, and most people DO need to work on self-help, and i wanted to understand their perspectives.
How is this not impacting people's lives?!
Of course I'm going to take this seriously. I take it as seriously as I take my teaching. I might not be changing the world, or changing laws. I might be working within a flawed system. But at the very least, if I can make one kid's life better -- give them someone like them to look up to, to relate to, who can give them the ability to make their own choices and learn more while advocating for myself -- then it's worth it.
And that's what I aim for in syscourse. If I can make one person -- singlet, system, plural, collective, whatever have you -- understand themselves or others a little bit better... Is that not, in it's own way, activism? Is that not, in it's own way, changing the world?
And if the answer is "no" then... what the fuck is the point of communication, or socializing, or trying to debate anything, anywhere?
Ugh. Lord, I've rambled so long, I can barely think about everything I've written. Bullet points time.
Syscourse can be harmful, and I won't say it isn't. As someone who has been obsessed with it in the past, who has used it to harm myself, and sometimes still does -- that harm doesn't go away on its own.
Syscourse is also beautiful. We CAN have good conversations, make close friends, and learn more about ourselves through these discussions.
If we don't try to combat that misinformation that's in this space, if we don't try our best to heal this space, then how is it ever going to recover?
I am a person that exists in real life. Syscourse isn't just a chronically online thing -- IT DOES have an impact in the real world! Stop devaluing passion and heat and anger just because you feel like you're so much more above it because you are clearly the person who knows better than everyone else, simply because you "Cracked the code" and somehow figured out how to syscourse unharmfully (newsflash, asshole, so did a lot of people -- it's just not in the way you agree with).
Let yourself be mad. Let yourself be impolite. Don't let it completely overtake every moment of your day, every second of your life, but fucking let yourself be mad. It's okay to be upset!
I don't know how so many of us managed to forget that along the way.
“Authors should not be ALLOWED to write about–” you are an anti-intellectual and functionally a conservative
“This book should be taken off of shelves for featuring–” you are an anti-intellectual and functionally a conservative
“Schools shouldn’t teach this book in class because–” you are an anti-intellectual and functionally a conservative
“Nobody actually likes or wants to read classics because they’re–” you are an anti-intellectual and an idiot
“I only read YA fantasy books because every classic novel or work of literary fiction is problematic and features–” you are an anti-intellectual and you are robbing yourself of the full richness of the human experience.
"you are functionally a conservative" is such a good and clarifying insult
Literally right after I saw this post, I saw another post in a discord chat for BOOK EDITORS in which an outspokenly liberal editor talked about how Nabokov should have never been published because he wrote about p*dophiles and described women's bodies in ways that made her uncomfortable. She described his writing as "objectively terrible" and said she wanted to burn his books. And other editors were bringing up classics they didn't like and talking about how they wanted to throw them in the trash. This wasn't like a light "unpopular opinion!" conversation. This was actual book editors talking about how books should be destroyed and censored.
There is something so scary and toxic in global culture right now. The revival of fascism is influencing everyone's mindset and approach to art, regardless of where they fall on the political spectrum.
I see far more books being censored today than when I was a kid. Librarians handed me The Catcher in the Rye, The Sexual Politics of Meat, and Animal Farm when I was literally 8-11. My mom would never have taken a book away from me. I read everything from the Tao Te Ching to the Qur'an to atheist texts under my desk at school. Teachers thought nothing of it or encouraged it. Books seemed universally acknowledged as sacrosanct to me.
Now I can't find any adults who don't hesitate or want to make exceptions when it comes to censorship. Even the most liberal social activist librarians I know go, "well except for book X..."
Functionally conservative. It's so important to have the language to express that.
The only reason a book should be removed, the ONLY reason, is “we are keeping it in the restricted section for research because its only intended function is to cause harm.”
And to be clear, when I say this, I’m talking about shit like To Train Up A Child and The Protocols of Zion. One is a text responsible for the deaths of multiple children because it’s an abuse how-to, and the other is entirely fabricated “protocols” from a group that never actually existed but is claimed to represent all Jews, and it’s basically one long antisemitic screed.
And even these should be available. Just. Not where they’re gonna be used to start a white supremacist cult.
We had a copy of Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf on the shelves in my primary school's library. It was in a restricted section, i.e. books you could only borrow with adult supervision, if you had to write an essay on Nazism or Hitler for example, but it was there. In perfectly plain view, sitting on a shelf, while first graders checked out Asterix comics and odd nerds read The Silmarillion over on the couches (it's me, I am odd nerds).
That book is Nazi propaganda, an utterly incoherent anti-semitic screed full of fascist talking points, and its contents are, objectively speaking, dangerous. It is a book that calls for society-scale genocidal bigotry, and all of its pages are bent towards making that argument as persuasively as it can.
And yet, there it was, in plain view of children in a primary school, because what the teachers at my school understood is that, first of all, kids don't really give that much of a shit about a fascist's masturbatory autobiography, not when there's Asterix available.
And second, that what children need is not to be hermetically sealed away from all forms of harmful media for fear that they be corrupted, what they need is to learn to navigate harmful media, to read it critically, to process the awful things inside of it and come out the other side without being persuaded to do or think something horrible.
Children need - and I mean need - to learn the skills to do this, because otherwise they grow up into adults with no defenses against propaganda and misinformation, i.e. the exact kind of angry, terrified, flailing mob that gets persuaded to assault a nation's capitol when an election doesn't go their way.
Nobody is immune to propaganda and anyone can fall deep into a conspiracy hole, but there are levels of resistance to those things a person can develop.
And the only way to develop resistance is to be exposed to it!
It's a necessary part of the process, it is mandatory, you have to be exposed to it so you can learn what it is and how to deal with it. And either that exposure happens in a controlled learning environment, with trained teachers helping someone through it, or it happens in an uncontrolled environment to a person who has never learned how to understand what they're looking at.
None of this means that everyone should be reading Mein Kampf to their kids or w/e, but it means that the attitude of "ban this filth!" only plays into the hands of people who actually are trying to corrupt people morally.
Came across this infographic during some google image searching and I'm still kind of a state of despair about it because it's not just offensively wrong about what intersex is, it was used to teach university students about queer issues:
Alt text: LGBTQIA+ are defined one by one. Intersex is defined erroneously as "These are people who were born with genital organs of both sexes (male and female). It is a genetic condition."
It's one thing for your rando perisex person to be getting this wrong on social media. It's another thing entirely when it's professionals getting this wrong in an educational setting. 😩 And that this infographic appears in a peer-reviewed publication. 😩
It's even worse to know the students that were taught with this infographic were medical students, who will be the ones traumatizing intersex people for decades to come 😩
It's so wrong in so many different ways:
Intersex is not limited to people with genital differences. Most intersex people have intersex variations that are not apparent at birth, with puberty being the most common time of life for variations to present. Many people find out in adulthood having no outward physical differences.
Of the intersex people with genital differences, they do not have two sets of genitals. Most genital differences are still recognizably female or male (e.g. spadias), and those who have ambiguous genitals have one set.
Intersex is not "male parts + female parts" or even "intermediate male/female parts", it is an umbrella term for anybody whose primary/secondary sex characteristics don't line up with what is expected for male and female bodies. Some intersex variations make women look more feminine, or make men look more masculine.
Defining intersex by genital differences doesn't just exclude most intersex people, it also sets the tone that we are defined by our genitals. To be publicly intersex is to have non-stop DMs about your genitals. This sort of framing sets up openly intersex people for invasive questions and harassment, and it keeps large numbers of intersex people from coming out.
Many intersex variations do not have a known genetic basis. Many intersex variations are caused by exposure to certain hormonal levels in the womb. Certain medications when taken during pregnancy can trigger intersex variations.
While bodily variation is necessary for being intersex, the social experience of stigma, discrimination, isolation, hyper-medicalization, and hyper-sexualization are all just as much a part of being intersex.
📣 Perisex allies: this is shit you can stop. When you see other perisex people parrot this sort of misinformation, correct them. Direct them to look up resources written by actually intersex people.
Here are some starter resources to give:
Intersex explained by Hans Lindahl
Media and style guide by IHRA
FAQ by intersex-support
A recent post I did compiling information for trans people who want to be better intersex allies
eye-opening tumblr post for me included the words "people are meant to be burdens" as in humans rely on and support one another and it's not a bother it's our purpose; to love and be loved in return. so if you ever think you're being annoying just remember we were made to love and it's going to be okay
does pro syscourse conversation mean everyone should start talking about syscourse and it’s bad to not like it?
I'm.... not sure why you're asking me? I'm pro-endo as a label. Though, I do like the idea of being pro-syscourse conversation -- I think I'll amend that label to my own pinned post. @sysmedsaresexist I'm stealing that one from you, jsyk.
But yes, obviously, being pro-syscourse conversation absolutely 100% means that we believe everyone needs to talk about syscourse because it's just that important, and if you don't like it, you don't belong and should be completely shunned and ostracized.
.... Is that evil enough for you? Should I add some fakeclaiming or something?
Sarcasm aside, obviously that would be a ridiculous label to self identify with. I don't think anyone in syscourse thinks that others have to participate, or that it's somehow wrong to dislike it. Which is why I answered this sarcastically -- it screams bad faith.
If this was a good faith question, here's the good faith answer: It literally just means that we support syscourse discussions that are beneficial and, you know... actually conversations. This includes across "syscourse lines." Too many syscoursers just block every single person who disagrees with them, rather than engaging in a conversation. Block for your health -- not for your circle jerk.
Nobody needs to like syscourse. But, by that same hand, they shouldn't bash those who enjoy these sorts of debates, and we should support those who are trying to have actual intellectual conversations.
