Dexter is a cautionary tale of the need to accept discomfort as a part of life, with Emma as his contrast and aspirational example.
Throughout the show Emma embodies determination and self assurance. The only reason she thinks she can change the world is.. because why couldnât she? In contrast Dexter has no idea what he wants and kind of resents having to even think about it, hence his jumping between careers and looking for purpose for the whole show.
While Em knows what she wants emotionally (the satisfaction or having made a difference, the achievement of doing what she always wanted) but isnât sure on the specifics of what that will look like (Iâll write plays, no write poetry, no Iâll teach, okay no Iâll write a book), Dexter knows the specifics (Iâll be rich and famous) but doesnât know what he wants emotionally (âwhat will that look like?â âI donât knowâ).
While Dex is always running from uncomfortable feelings Em faces then head on and comes out the other side, able to learn from them.
As Dex is travelling to put off making long term decisions, Em has taken the first opportunity to do what she wants: writing, be it books, poems or in this instance plays.
On holiday Dex canât allow himself to admit that he fancyâs Em and to leave it at that, he has to run from the honesty and vulnerability of that moment by adding on âbut I pretty much fancy everyoneâ. In doing this you could argue that he looses his chance with her for several years, where as Emmaâs confidence could have resulted in them getting together much sooner.
Dex misses his mothers last birthday because he doesnât want to face reality. Instead of reacting to the fear and anger and pain of her diagnosis by spending every moment he can with her, or sitting down to have heart to heart talks with her, or helping her out in any meaningful way Dex runs away and numbs himself with substances, and is passed out for the little time he is in her presence.
When heâs nervous people wonât (or already donât) like him on TV he again turns to substances to numb his feelings, and (instead of taking Emâs advice to ignore them) looks for reassurance from hangers on who donât actually know him that well. He canât sit in that worry/fear/discomfort so he finds a way to stop feeling.
When Dexâs marriage falls apart we see him running away to Paris to visit Em. And sure there are ulterior motives here (his hope and assuming that this could be the start of their romantic relationship) but the writer shows him literally traveling away from the country where his failed marriage, child and previous life were as he is show to be angrily talking about his divorce. As an image it appears like heâs running away from the reality of the divorce or running to Em for a distraction. It definitely supports Ems assumptions that heâs not serious about a relationship with her; sheâs seen this behaviour in Dex before.
Itâs even funny how in small ways we donât see him handle upsetting things until the very end. Talking about his first marriage and the production the day became? Dex admits he didnât want to rock the boat so he didnât fight anything/reject anything/ have much say at all in his wedding. Sylvie drops off Jasmine? Dex is still at the cafe so Em is the one managing slightly awkward small talk. Jasmine practising her violin? We get a brief moment with Dex too but mainly itâs Em sitting through the recitals. In that last episode when theyâre struggling with fertility, Em is the one who sits down and talks out her anger and fear and worry, where as Dex (who probably knew what the root of it all was) was happy to leave her to process it how she need to and support her while she did. If she hadnât brought it up he wouldnât have said anything.
Thatâs not becisarily a bad thing (Dex could have known that Em needed to process it herself before talking to him) but it is interesting that the writers engineer Dex to avoid all these moments of emotional discomfort. It reinforces his characterisation of being avoidant when confronted with conflict.
In contrast we kind of constantly see Em having to face hard moments and working through them.
Donât know what to do with your life? Move to London to try and aim to work in your dream field. London life and restaurant job not going the way you planned? Commit to Dexâs suggestion of teacher training. Time to confess a secret? Hereâs a hugely personal one about my past feelings for you. Past crush admits he kind-if fancyâs you? Stick to being honest about your past feelings and donât take the opening to downplay them. You feel shit about your life and your secret affair? Well letâs turn that into motivation to finally write that book.
Not happy with your long term partner? End the relationship.
Emmaâs whole confrontation with Ian is a masterclass in facing difficult conversations and emotions, being vulnerable and open and honest about your feelings, and finding empathy for another outside your point of view. And look what she gains from facing that hard in comfortable conversation? Closure, and a kind of friendship, one that lasts even after she dies.
When Dex confessed that he hoped they would start a romantic relationship in Paris, Em sits him down and starts that hard conversation about how she doesnât think that is 1) what he even wants and 2) would work between them. She doesnât brush off of hide from the conversation. And then when she has more information and time to think she commits to Dex.
Even after they sleep together thereâs a scene of Em laying the ground rules, making it clear to Dex what she will and wonât stand in this relationship. Thatâs an awkward conversation to have but Em doesnât hesitate and makes sure he knows from the get go what she expects and deserves. The writers are constantly showing us âEm doesnât run from uncomfortable feelingsâ.
And then the tragic twist of fate: Emma is gone and Dexter finally has to learn to live with emotional discomfort. He canât keep running because there is no escaping this, not like he did with his mum. Like he says to Imaginary-Emma âwhy would time change anythingâ. He is going to feel like this forever, there is no escaping it. Finally he is learning to face it, manage it, and work through it.
Of course Emma is far more than a literally device and is her own layered and well established character. But in this regard for Dex itâs almost as if sheâs the final lesson for him to work through to grow up enough so he can eventually choose to return to the place they met.
And it could even come across as a reward for him; in learning to live with those difficult emotions, his reward is being able to remember Emma fondly, and to return to the place they met to seek out those memories. The memories are bittersweet, but now he remembers Emma as she was and not how she never got to be.
Like his dad said, he is eventually able to âlive [his] life as if she were still hereâ but in order to do that he first had to accept that she was gone.
