If it never had an end...

MarMar for short, 20, still figuring everything else out. Warning: I post weird shit Also, my body positive/ fat acceptance blog is: fatelliot

[bpdslime-blog1]

fun mentally ill things

never washing off your makeup

there is garbage all throughout your room

never washing your clothes or your dishes

what the fuck is a shower

when you just looked at the clock it was 12 but now its 4 am and you dont know how that happened

up all night, asleep all day

u either dont eat at all or you eat until u need to puke

those days that you just cannot get out of bed

‘have you tried yoga?’

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

Posting because I have nobody to talk to and I need to get this out.

I've been thinking a lot about how I come off to other people, particularly how that affects my love life. At this time last year I was incredibly happy. It was the calm before the whole storm that probably has left me in the worst mental state I have ever been in. During the worst of it I had about 3 or 4 close calls almost leading me to get 5150'd again. I had never felt more worthless and unwanted, and even to this day I still think about it and break down. Because I knew I needed to move on, and that "the best way to get over a guy is to get under another" I started talking to some people online again to see if I could salvage a connection with someone. Definitely was not trying to just hook up in order to forget him because I know that's not good for me and that it would probably make me feel worse. So I find this one guy, seems alright, being brave I actually message the dude first instead of waiting to see if they notice me. He messages back, it's cool, we start texting, I tell my friends and they start teasing me and calling the dude my bf which I don't like but it's whatever. I was pretty content talking to him. We meet in person and the first meeting goes pretty well. We talk about hanging out again and eventually we do. Things are a bit more awkward but neither of us mention it. I get a pretty strong gut feeling that he doesn't wanna talk anymore and found someone else, but continue talking to him until I have actual proof of my suspicions (it's not bad if he found someone else like I understand but I just wanna be told so I don't keep trying to talk to you and look like an idiot) And a few weeks later I find out he got a gf (through fb, he didn't tell me) and it didn't affect me too badly. Like I was okay with it and wasn't crying over it. It did however bring up the previous heartbreak that I went through previously and for a week or two it felt like I was going through it again. No Bueno. After I pick myself up again from that episode I decide to go online again (although it's acceptable I just don't personally talk to multiple guys at once, I find one I like and focus all my attention on them) and I find another dude. Also pretty cool, I also felt brave again and actually messaged him first. This time though I wanted to do something different. I'm aware that I have a lot of struggles, and that I definitely tend to project my insecurities, and that maybe that's what turns guys away from me. So with this guy, I wasn't gonna do that. I was gonna be the person that I am when I'm the happiest. I was gonna be more positive and not tell him stuff that's wrong with me immediately and most of all I wasn't gonna be insecure. Fake it til you make it, right? So we start talking online and after a couple of weeks we start texting. It felt like we were connecting. I also didn't really tell my friends about him until we had been talking for like 2 months. About a month in he asked if I was interested in ever meeting up, I cautiously said yes (he lives like an hour away and for all I knew he could be a catfish) and he said that we could always Skype first and stuff and I was like sure okay. So about a month and a half passes and we didn't really talk about meeting up at all but we are talking often and occasionally he would send me these cute messages like "Hey gorgeous, I just wanted to say hi and hope that your day is great, you rock!" So I'm like aw and I'm slowly starting to like this dude a lot and part of me is freaking out because no way in hell do I want to get attached and broken again. Eventually he casually mentions meeting up and seeing eachother someday , and I take a chance and ask if he wants to talk on the phone or skype sometime, he says yes and about a week later we skype. The call goes really well and we talked for a little over an hour. I feel really good about this dude. He texts me the next day saying how nice it was to actually see me and talk with me which felt good because I felt really nervous about skyping because I felt like once he saw me that he wouldn't wanna talk anymore. Obviously I kept that to myself though because I'm not trying to be insecure around him. Well the day after that he asks if I'd like to go to dinner with him. This is where my nerves really kick in. I say yes, because I want to see him. But now I'm completely being overwhelmed by my self doubt and insecurities. Like I feel like once he sees me in person that he's gonna ghost on me and never wanna see me again and that it's not gonna work out. We planned the dinner two weeks from the day he asked me. We skyped again, another great conversation. Valentines day comes (3 days before we go to dinner) and I tried to be cute and I asked him to be my valentine :p he said yes and that he wanted to bring me a Valentine's gift on Friday when he sees me and on my end I'm actually tearing up a little. I told him how much I appreciated even the thought of doing that and he told me that I was special to him and that the fact that he could make me feel special warmed his heart and I'm like fuck I like this dude and I'm gonna see him Friday and what if he never wants to see me again and I'm extremely nervous. He's extremely excited. The day comes and he drives over here after work and I get in his car and he's like, extremely handsome. Like shit. I can't stop staring. Apparently when I opened the door to get in he was opening his to get out (he wanted to be a gentleman and open my door for me I guess but I was too taken aback by this dude) But we get to the restaurant and even though I called ahead we were waiting for a table for like 20min. And this old drunk couple starts talking to us and they asked him why the hell he drove two hours to eat here and he looked at me and said that he came all the way to have dinner with me and the old people were like aww and they started asking us how we met and all this stuff but then we finally got our table. Dinner went really well, we talked and laughed and stuff and afterwards we got back in the car (he opened my door for me this time) and he gave me this gift bag and I look inside and this dude not only got me gifts for Valentine's day.. but he got my cat a gift too and I'm literally holding back tears like that's the most thoughtful thing. So we hug in the car and he takes me home and I decided to give him a little stuffed animal that I got when I was on vacation and he kept saying how sweet that was and how cute it is. He drove me home and he got out of the car to hug me goodbye and that was that. I was very happy and started to cry a little once I got inside because it seemed like it went well and I was so happy. But now I'm here. The dinner went really well, and I thanked him for everything and he said he was glad he came to see me. But I'm starting to feel bad again but this time I really can't tell if it's my gut feeling or if it's my insecurities overpowering everything but I don't know how he feels about me now after meeting me. It feels like he's texting less but I can't tell if that's an actual indicator of disinterest or if it's just me like this past week hasn't been the best for him so that could be a reason as well but I just don't know why exactly I'm feeling bad because I'm getting the gut feeling that it's not gonna work out or if it's just me ruining it for myself and it's driving me insane because I feel like if I ask him how he feels now that literally everything I'm insecure about will project itself which will turn him away but if it's my gut telling me that something is wrong and he just stops talking to me it's gonna break me and I can't handle that again. So that's where I am. I just had to get it out. Sorry if you read this whole thing and wasted your time but feel free to comment on my actions. :p

[lauralot89]

My mom said that today in church her pastor said in the sermon that Jesus told us to help the poor, and taking money away from public schools to give to charter schools only widens the gap between the rich and the poor.  She then added that Jesus spoke against adultery and lust and would not have approved of bragging about sexually assaulting women.  According to my mom, people got up and walked out.

The pastor also started the sermon by noting that she’d heard of another minister who read the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount at the pulpit, to be told by the so-called Christian parishioners after the service that it was offensive and they didn’t agree.

The Sermon on the Mount is straight up the words of Jesus.

[squirrelshideout]

I recently read an article that said, hypocritical Christians in America don’t actually worship Jesus. They worship America, and even then, it’s a very specific, self-centered idea of America.

[lauralot89]

Do you still have a link to the article?  I’d love to see it.

[jumpingjacktrash]

it’s true though, the fastest way to piss off a conservative ‘christian’ is to quote the actual words of christ

biblical literalists have like 99% not read the bible

it’s extremely strange

[thischick25]

I pulled the link to that article from the replies–it’s a good read: https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/02/liberals-stop-trying-to-own-conservatives-by-their.html

[hollydotcom]

Its almost like people are just looking for a way to justify their fucked up actions and still believe that they’re going to heaven

[tommypickles]

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

someone: you were pretty good at that thing, why'd you stop doing it?

me internally: I get extremely anxious when I think about doing something I might possibly succeed at because I base my self-worth on my achievements and other people's approval, I am afraid because I know I will never be able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations, I hate making mistakes because they make me feel worthless, I take negative feedback too personally, I feel immense guilt over not doing things that I've been avoiding which just makes me avoid them more, I feel ashamed and inadequate due to how difficult it is for me to stay committed to anything, I'm worried that I'll just end up disappointing myself and the entire world, and I am convinced that if I failed I would literally die.

me externally: idk i guess i've just been kinda busy lol

[hangthebloodycode-deactivated20]

reblog this if you actually like following me.

[asexualdindjarin]

She may cry but her tears will dry when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia.

[slow-riot-deactivated20200720]

Weirdly anti-millennial articles have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard that they are now two feet down into the topsoil

[tramampoline]

its so wild like “this generation with no fucking money is learning to prioritize essentials” and all these chucklefucks can write is advertisements for these companies

[catparazzi]

at least our jeans won’t tear at the seams after two washes

[awfullydull-deactivated20170619]

FUCK FABRIC SOFTENER IT’S UTTERLY POINTLESS

AND FUCK DRYER SHEETS LITERALLY NOBODY EVER HAS ENOUGH OF A PROBLEM WITH STATIC TO WARRANT PAYING OUT THE ASS FOR THAT SHIT

DO YOU WANT CLEAN CLOTHES? YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO BUY FUCKING DETERGENT JUST MAKE YOUR OWN* IT’S SO GODDAMN EASY AND 80X CHEAPER

FUCK THE ENTIRE LAUNDRY INDUSTRY *Fuck The Entire Laundry Industry Recipe

1 cup Washing Soda (not Baking Soda. Different things.)

1 cup Borax (not Boric Acid. Also a different thing.)

½ cup - 1 cup grated bar soap (you can use literally anything. I often use Ivory because it’s easy to get and I find it works well, a lot of people like Fels-Naptha, which is an actual laundry bar. Some people use Dr. Bronner’s. Really does not fucking matter.) After grating your soap, combine all ingredients. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Use maybe a ¼ cup per load.

[madsciences]

^^^ I’ve done this for years now and it works as well as any store bought detergent

[ghostoftwentysomethingspast]

WHAT Thank you, tumblr user awfullydull! Your URL does no justice to the good advice you give!

[legallynonbinary]

Also you can MAKE your own washing soda very VERY cheaply.

Step one: acquire $5 bag of baking soda from Costco.

Step two: lay that motherfucking baking soda out on a baking tray.

Step three: bake the baking soda on a tray in an oven at 400° for 1 hour (to make the moisture evaporate, leaving washing soda)

Step four: revel in how easy and cheap it is to make your own washing soda, and maybe take a moment to be angry that the industry upcharges the fuck out of something that is so easy to make.

[legallynonbinary]

I see some of y'all complaining about static and/or wanting nice smelling laundry. Go to a craft store, find 100% wool yarn balls. If it doesn’t come in a ball, ask an employee to make it into a tight ball for you. Wash in the washing machine to make it felted. Remove from washer, add a few drops of essential oil to the ball, allow to seep in. Dry with clothing. Doesn’t need to be rewashed ever, and if it stops smelling, add few more drops of essential oil. Bam, reusable dryer sheets.

[arirashkae]

This is absolutely how to make laundry detergent and I have used to for years. The “worst” part is grating the soap, but if you can stand the smell, you can microwave laundry soap in chunks to make it bubbly & crumbly

If you want fresh-smelling laundry, go get a thing of Purex crystals (or make your own, but this I haven’t tried yet) and mix it in. Bonus: the bottle can be filled with your new detergent and the cap makes a handy measurer

if you just want to soften your fabric and don’t care about adding a nice smell? Use white vinegar. There will be no vinegar smell

A ball of undyed Lion Brand 100% Fisherman’s Wool is usually around $10-12 before sales at Joann’s Fabric, and holds over 400 meters of wool. Easily enough for several dryer balls

Essential oils can be picked up fairly cheaply if you look around, since you don’t need very much

Fuck the idea that it’s our fault the economy is tanked. We’re just trying to survive

[guiltygirl]

do u ever just get uneasy or start crying when someone is really nice to u and expresses genuine interest in ur wellbeing and then ur like fuck…. am i rlly that deprived of love and emotional intimacy lmfao

[youngbadmanbrown-deactivated201]

pretty much every vegetable you hated as a little kid would taste better if you roasted it with salt and olive oil instead of boiling it

[generalbriefing-blog]

The truth shall set you free

[leggyboyjohnson]

also sometimes if you just try it again with an adult palate because this is also a developmental issue little children are far more sensitive to bitter and metallic flavors it’s an evolutionary defense against poison

reblogging for science and culinary advice.

[the-awkward-turt]

I feel like everyone should know this. Little children aren’t “picky”, their sense of taste is just more sensitive. Vegetables taste more bitter to them, foods with intense flavors are overwhelming, etc.

So this means 1) be patient with kids who don’t want to eat some foods and 2) just because you didn’t like something when you tried it as a kid doesn’t mean you won’t like it as an adult.

[shockhorrorrr-deactivated201805]

In love with this wonderful book of poetry.

[buttonpoetry]

You can get Neil Hilborn’s book, Our Numbered Days, here.

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

I got a kitten recently. Her name is Ophelia (Opie for short) and she's currently my main source of any joy.

[steadies-deactivated20141011]

1. Do not date a boy who does not care what your favourite song is. The boy who does not care what melodies ignite your heart strings with love and wonder while staring at passing street lights on the last train home, will not care if it’s 2 a.m. and your heart is breaking. 2. Do not let anyone fold you up like last winters tattered scarf and put you away with the others in a neatly labeled box. Even when there’s thunder and the sky is crying, you are your mum’s favourite summer dress. You are to wear yourself like you believe it. 3. We are all stories. Write yours how you want. Make today’s chapter about purposely taking the wrong bus and discovering a tiny blue tea shop, or folding origami paper hearts over and over on your window sill. Just make sure it’s something you’d enjoy reading. 4. I will always try to save you. 5. Someday you will be 19 and lost and heartbroken and you will think about a place you’ve seen on TV or heard or read about in a book or seen a picture of. You will feel your heart drop into your stomach. Go there. For a day, a month, forever, but it’s important that you go. 6. The world is so beautiful. Do not let the slumped over homeless man outside the convenience store or the stories of guns and bombs on the television let you believe otherwise. We are all so lost. All of us. We all show it in different ways. I write bad poems. Others start wars. There is no inherent evil, only good people searching too hard. 7. I love everything about you. 8. Money turns people into liars and emotional ghosts. School grades are an inaccurate representation of you. Measure your life’s worth in how many times you’ve nearly lost your life to laughter, how many books you’ve closed with happy tears in your eyes, people whose lives you’ve brought joy to, marshmallows eaten, or countries visited. 9. Don’t ever let anyone tell you to stop crying. Cry if you want to. It’s okay. You’re allowed. 10. My best friend once told me that the most important decision he had ever made was to love everyone and everything. He’s the only person I’ve ever known to have a viewable aura of light around him. Don’t forget to love this world, to love people. Be light. You are already mine.

10 things I will tell my daughter. - Julia LaValley (via astrolily)

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

The love post

I came back on here and saw that the last time I was on here I was so happy. Like cute little schoolgirl happy. Even though I had plenty of shit I was going through at home, none of that mattered when I was with Alex. It's just so weird thinking that of all things a guy was what helped me forget my problems for a bit. Usually that happens with guys, but it doesn't last long because they're just using me for sex or whatever. This was different, and I think that's why it hurts so much and why it still hurts after months. For once in my life, the feelings felt mutual. He took me on my first actual date and it was wonderful, he didn't mind being seen in public with me. He was attentive and caring. He was extremely kind and affectionate and I had never felt more loved than the times I was with him. For once, something was there. And that's what kills me, because it still wasn't enough. He found someone else and just stopped talking to me. I was devastated, and hurt. I just wish he could have been honest and told me that he didn't think it was gonna work out. Instead of ghosting on me and me finding out through Facebook. I wasn't quite in love with him, but I know for certain that I loved him. I still do, even though every part of me wants to be angry at him and hate him. I just can't though, because we always told eachother that we just wanted eachother to be happy, and that's still true for me. I want him to be happy, and if he is, then that's good. I just wish I could have been a part of it. It's just so hard to get over though. I've tried to the best I can. At this point I don't know what else I can do to get over him. I thought that I've been through enough shit that heartbreak wouldn't feel so terrible but man, I was so wrong.

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

Oh look I was gone for the longest time.

I think I haven't been on since February. Man, shit happened. It's kinda sad because the last time I was on here I was actually doing pretty well. That being said, I'm probably gonna be venting for a few posts. I probably should have done that while shit was going down but hey stuff happens and I really need to put this on some sort of platform that the two people I hang out with don't see because I don't want them to be concerned. So yeah, you've been warned (if anyone actually reads this)

[swolizard]

[gotham-pretty-deactivated201705]

SHES WHISPERING SO HER PARENTS WONT HEAR HER

[khanos-deactivated20170219]

this is how every racist white person on anon looks like to me

[as-warm-as-choco]

Deku Link plays “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis”