“You know, I bet if you told Tim he’d understand- or maybe he’d try too, he's gotten better, you said he’s been trying too.” I groaned, watching Pony fix his hair up in the mirror. It made me nauseous; looking at him sometimes I mean, it wasn't like he was- like, skin and bones, he had just lost a lot of weight. He just didn't look healthy, but that was more of he'd gotten so- pale and he looked so- exhausted, plus he's lost a lot of weight. Maybe I'm just biased though, I felt crazy man! I mean it, I swear to god that was weird behavior, the eating shit. Just, whenever I brought it up, Pony was always real weird about it. God, I don't understand why Coach or Mark- enabled it. I swear to god they did, Mark always jumped to his defense when you asked him he was gonna eat. Coach, I dunno. He just, I swear he was giving him something. Appetite repressors or something- I swear!
“In my dreams. He'd think im crazy man, off my rocker!” I grimaced- he would! He'd think I'm some psycho! Look, I wasn't one to get anxious but it made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of even telling Tim that I was doing- whatever I was doing. Pony stared into the mirror but shook his head, his hair looked kinda dead, I mean looking at it now. It was washed and taken care of- and everything. It just looked- brittle. I know it was mean but I wondered if it would fall out if I pulled on a chunk. He would hate that, I mean, he loved his hair- that was another thing I didn’t understand. He’d always loved his hair and clothes and Darry and Soda- and he was just giving them up for track now. It seemed like an awful uneven sacrifice to me- especially Darry and Soda. I mean, I dunno if he considered that he could die- and something I felt like he was close to it.
I swear I’m not being paranoid or anything, it’s just sometimes it got really scary. I mean it, he’d been complaining about not feeling very well the whole day. Stomach cramps, I think- or maybe it was chest pain, I think both actually. He’d been real shakey, he was always shakey though. He’d been for ages, that and this weird sense of coldness he’d always talked about how cold he was. I’d always told him ‘oughta drink something hot, he’d always said he did though, it didn’t work. I don’t think he did though, I’d made him coffee once and he refused it. Something about how the cream and sugar were too many calories and how he didn’t eat sugar anymore. I said he never ate anything anymore and he got upset. I really dunno why, because I wasn’t wrong. I remember the whole argument. He’d been really weird about it recently! I swear to god he had, I remember one time he’d snapped at me because ‘gum had too many calories’, I’d told him he was being insane; gum doesn’t even have calories, I'm pretty sure it doesn’t, man.
I just worried sometimes, ya’ know? Sometimes he'd just say he was getting stomach cramps and then he'd just go unresponsive for a minute- then he’d just wake up like it was- nothing. I mean it, he did it at track at times. The faint and just- I don’t even know what to call it man, just how sick he’d gotten at times. Coach had just come over and told him- well he was doing. It was weird because I’d pointed out maybe he has low blood sugar- Tim’d thrown that around a few times when me or Angela had gotten sick, but Coach had just shaken it off and told him that I should wreck his fast just because I was jealous. That was so weird because I wasn’t jealous- I just wanted him to be, healthy. He’d almost fainted again though, and I guessed he’d wanted to go home, since he felt so sick. I’d say with him in the locker room, track wasn’t amused but I tried to give what was left of lunch. He’d take like, two bites of the yogurt and threw it away. It was the first time I’d seen him eat, anything for a while though. Two-bit picked him up ‘bout 15 minutes later.
“Well, talk to him ‘bout it then.” he stated, I’d almost laughed, Tim didn't like talking to nobody about anything- talk about it? Are you kidding me! “Yeah, well maybe you should talk to Darry about losing all that weight, I'm sure he'd love to hear that Pony!” I snapped; Pony stared at me for a second and I felt bad- I mean, I don't really know why I got so mad. Pony was only trying to help, I just hated talking about it- it was disgusting. I hated looking at my arms, I hated the little lines in them. Even covered in band-aids and everything, I sighed- I wasn't really sorry though. I mean, he was losing a lot of weight, man.
“I could tell him myself, if you want. If it’s too hard, I mean, I just don’t think you should be like, doin all that to yourself Curly- it’s dangerous.” He blurted out. Jesus, did he think I didn’t know it was bad? I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was bad- I just- look, I could help myself. It was just difficult right now- but I can help myself if I need it. I don’t need some messy-haired blabbermouth telling half of damn Tulsa my business. I had to look at my arm every day, if I felt like telling Tim- I’d tell him, when maybe he was in the mood. I don’t think he’d even care, he’d call me crazy and go back to doing whatever he was doing. Tim wasn’t a helper- The Shepherd’s are self-sufficient. We help ourselves. “Then I’ll Tim you’re starving yourself, myself. Then Darry n’ Soda I’ll know and all the gang and they’ll never get off your ass. So just- mind your business.”
They would. I know Darry woulda’ have lost it too, if he knew. Soda too, I think Soda woulda cried. I hated using the excuse though- because sometimes I wanted to tell Tim. Like when I’d come home from track and I couldn’t even make eye contact with Pony when we were leaving because he seriously needed help. I’m being honest, I swear to god he really did.
I just, I think Pony woulda’ killed me, and Tim was just starting to get all, Happy again. I didn’t wanna burden him or nothing, and I know Tim would be all weird and stuff. He’d said Pony looked really good the other day. Said he’d been keeping the weight off no problem, and that he was looking good. I think he was being nice but I know he’d be weird if he found out what Pony was doing- I hated it- but I mean I guess I also wished maybe Coach and Mark would feel weird like that about it. It wasn’t like they didn’t know what he was doing. I don’t think Mark- cared, or if he did he found it funny for some reason, even if it meant Pony coulda’ died. I really don’t know why, Mark was strange, the bad strange. I don’t know what Coach, glory- he cared, but in a way it was like he was upset when he did eat. I for the life of me couldn’t figure out why, sure Pony’d been faster- but he’d be fast anyways. It didn’t really matter, those few seconds or maybe minutes if he was- killing himself.
“It’s not like that Curly and you know it.” he blurted out, he ran his anxiously across his collarbone and swallowed. I could tell he was checking himself in the mirror. It made me feel- strange when he did. It was like the air got thicker when he did, sometimes I swore it made me feel insecure when he did it. Like he’d passed it onto me. I pulled my sleeve down a little more, I hated how this shirt only reached just above my wrists, I’d just had no other clean ones.
“I'm just cutting weight for track and everything, skinny is good, for track- it's good. Coach says it's good. I mean do you think I’ve lost too much weight?” I heard his voice crack but I didn't answer. I mean- yeah I had. If I'm being honest I really ain't understand this whole thing in the first place- he was ready healthy and attractive. He had no reason to try in the first place. “-because I haven't. I really haven't. Thin is in. I haven't even lost that much weight, I don't think I have, and even if you do- it's not yer’ business anyway.” he stumbled out, I could tell he was getting all defensive again. I'm pretty sure that Darry had been on his back already. I'd heard Tim talk ’bout it. I mean, I dunno how Tim knew. I think Two-bit blabbered on, something about how Pony was sick. I don’t mean sick in the head or nothing- he mighta been, it ain’t my place to talk but they meant Darry was worried about a stomach bug or pneumonia. I knew that’s what Pony’d said, he was always saying something stupid like that, lying. Then he’d go on and say it wasn’t a big deal and Darry wouldn’t even be that upset if he knew; if that was true, it seemed awfully useless for him to always lie. I mean, I’d lied but glory if Tim knew I’d been slicing myself he’d send me off to some nut-house facility at the blink of an eye!
“It is my business.” I blurted out, I dunno why- usually I wouldn’t have cared much, but I guess I was in a mood, “you’re like, you just look- I just-, just don’t think you’re being very safe. If yer’ gonna bring up my shit, maybe look at- you.” I snapped. I felt my accent seep in and get caught on a lisp too, Pony huffed. Straightening his arms back, he fixed his shirt over his jeans, he’d already lost enough weight they hardly fit, but he’d not asked for new ones. That’d be too many questions from Darry. “Whatever. See you at lunch Curly.”
Tags: @puermiles03 @cloversplace @itsambrosiusbabe @not-karl idk anyone else?
