Sehnsucht

"I was 20, I will let no one say it is the best time of life." And now that I am almost 30 I should change this bio. The road from socially awkward to socially acceptable is long and winding. I fall in love at least once a day.

[clumsyclassypenguin]

"I miss getting excited about music, books and people."

I have recently watched the show One Day on Netflix, as thousands of other lonely souls out there.

And this quote by Emma is totally stuck in my head.

I have read the book when I was a silly 14 years old daydreaming about life and knowing nothing. It seems yesterday but it is more than a decade ago.

Since then, Arthur's seat has become my imaginary happy magic place. I have been there for my first solo trip during one of the cruel summers that made me enter in my adulthood.

And I started to think how much works of fiction have influenced me making me the person I am today.

Rewatching a story I have met when I was 14 has been bittersweet.

I was a fangirl. I still am. But it is not the same. That shameless excitement that you can have for a work of fiction when you are just a angry and lonely teenager, it is imcomparable.

That strong bound and connection is becoming each year looser, and I am so afraid of losing it.

I miss those butterflies.

I miss feeling something. Anything.

Is this adulthood?

[alexcabotgf]

You wanna be people? Let’s be people. Let’s be them for a while.

[clumsyclassypenguin]

The return of an investment in which we put zero wealth and that has zero risk is zero.

So if we do not put a bit of effort and a bit of love in ourselves, and in everything we do, and we do not take risks we will have nothing in the end.

[movie-gifs]

I had been waiting so long to run free, but that good-bye was harder than I ever imagined. I’ll never forget that boy. And how we won back our freedom together. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002) dir. Kelly Asbury, Lorna Cook

[gifs-and-stuff]

[awed-frog]

The idea children make friends more easily than adults is a complete lie. Most children make friends easily because they’re forced to. If your mom shoved the neighbour’s daughter into your room like ‘Hi honey, this is Laura, she’s twenty-five and three months and likes Star Wars, just like you!’ and then forced you to spend nine hours a week with Laura with a Death Star Lego set and a buttload of snacks, the two of you would probably become friends.

In many ways, growing up means becoming your own mom. If you want to make new friends, you need to spend time with people you don’t know and try to connect with them by sharing hobbies, food, and possibly a shove or two - just like you did when you were a toddler. There’s nothing more to it.

[clumsyclassypenguin]

I don't fully agree.

I think that when you are a child, or a teenager, you are more open to people, because you are more naive, optimistic and full of expectations, and also because you are still just a potential person, not a fully formed adult. So it's easier to bond with other potential people, with whom you share most part of your days while growing up. This creates a life lasting bond. Because you share with these people the part of your life when you become yourself.

While I was in high school there was this teacher that once told us that the friendships you make before you turn 18 are rare and special and you won't experience that same bond later in life. I didn't believe her at that time, neither I fully understood what she meant, but now I get it and it is so true and sad.

[midsonder]

Matthias & Maxime (2019) dir. Xavier Dolan

[clumsyclassypenguin]

Is it just me or there is a Titanic reference here?

[agnesvarda]

“Matthias et Maxime“, directed by Xavier Dolan, 2019.

[clumsyclassypenguin]

I have loved window scenes in this movie

[clumsyclassypenguin]

Dreaming through Australian skies, I wanted to see the world then I flew over the ocean and I changed my mind. Twenty-five felt like flying.

[blluish]

my whole personality is nostalgia , actually,

[clumsyclassypenguin]

I wanna fuck a Xavier Dolan movie

[danger]

[clumsyclassypenguin]

Mal di novembre.

[clumsyclassypenguin]

A cigarette lit in my right hand, an old fashioned in the other, looking outside the window from a high floor of a bulding in the New York of the 60s.

[bl-ossomed]

[clumsyclassypenguin]

I just need to talk but I really can’t say this thing out loud.

[forgottenfeeelings]

“I’m falling right back into my dark hole and I never felt more safe. No one expects anything from me here. I’m free.”

— Tove Lo