cluster c chaos

Griffin - they/them - cluster c personality baybee

[cluster-c-chaos]

welcome to Cluster C Chaos! my name is Griffin. I have both OCPD and AvPD, so I thought it would be neat for me to have a side-blog where I can talk about my messy and anxious personality. I don't have DPD, so unfortunately I cannot cover every base in terms of the cluster

boundaries: please do not send me asks about abuse, self-harm, suicide, or eating disorders. please don't send me asks where you want me to diagnose you. do not follow if you believe in "narc abuse" (cluster b folk are our siblings!). do not follow if you're a queer exclusionist

what you can send this blog:

questions about living with OCPD and/or AvPD

"that feel when" type things

requests for advice (but know that my advice should probably be taken with a grain of salt. I'm just some guy)

people who do not have cluster c personality disorders can follow and can ask questions, but please be decent about it (don't talk over us, and don't be ableist)

[cluster-c-chaos]

I just want to thank you for making this blog /gen

I feel like the Personality Disorder circles of tumblr do tend to focus more on cluster B, because they do tend to face more stigma in the sense that they're demonized and labeled abusive simply for their disorder. And while it's really important to spread awareness and clear out misinformation regarding cluster B, it can feel like the rest of us get,,, nudged to the side? Kinda forgotten? By which I simply mean it's much harder to find cluster C specific posts than it is general PD or cluster B content and the like.

So finding this space that's generally for cluster C feels and awareness and positivity has made me happy because it reminds me that, yeah, there are others out there that face similar struggles to my own, in regard to personality disorders. [and i really hope there's a similar place for cluster A, too, because they deserve that as well]

so,, yeh. I appreciate you, I care you, have a great [timezone] <3

thanks! I’m glad this blog is helpful for you! I’m not on here as much as I’d be usually, but I’m always happy to be here for my cluster c community

I hope you have a great day too

[cluster-c-chaos]

While it can be very hard to live with the stigmatization of a cluster b disorder I agree with you when you say that it is just a different experience from cluster c and cluster a. Because in the end it does cause the same thing: the inability to get help from medical professionals and those close to you

yeah, definitely. I can’t speak for the cluster b experience, because I don’t have any of those disorders. I do know that they can face a lot of open hate and violence, and fortunately that hasn’t been my experience with my personality disorders.

but what we have in common is that medical professionals often treat us poorly, it can take us far too long to get access to proper help, and we’re often too scared to attempt to get diagnosed because of it. and that’s shit for all of us

[cluster-c-chaos]

the number of people I’ve come across who think autism is a personality disorder is shockingly high so… uh. autism is not a personality disorder. it’s a neurodevelopmental disorder

there are ten personality disorders (sorted into three clusters), and none of those are autism

[cluster-c-chaos]

Is it just me, or does every mainstream conversation about personality disorders act like there’s only NPD, ASPD, BPD, and nothing else? That and pop psychology ideas of of what those disorders look like. Is it better to have your diagnosis be misunderstood and stereotyped as dangerous, or virtually unknown?

I don’t think this is a matter of “better or worse”, it’s a matter of “different”.

it is dangerous to have a disorder profiled as evil, and it is also dangerous to have a disorder left unknown. they’re different struggles that will ultimately lead to different experiences.

the other day, I revealed to a friend for the first time that I have AvPD, and her response was “that’s a disorder?”… and then started talking about her ex with BPD. in that situation, I got completely shut down, and that sucks (especially for someone who is avoidant!)… but if I’d had BPD, she probably would’ve reacted in a lot more outwardly ableist fashion towards me, as she did towards her ex

in conclusion, I just think it’s all different and complicated and messy. it’s two sides of the same stigma coin, and I think we all need to be trying to work together on reducing the ignorance about personality disorders

[cluster-c-chaos]

How do you know you're not faking your disorder when you're being vigilant about your actions to write them down?

you can’t fake something by accident. it is possible to start showing more symptoms of something you don’t have after finding out about it, but that’s not faking — it’s a kind of mirroring + placebo situation.

that being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that experiencing more symptoms for this reason is a short-term thing. after a couple months, it tends to peter out. for a couple months after finding out about OSDD-1, my dissociation and fragmentation both sky-rocketed. I do still experience dissociation, but not to the level of OSDD-1, and I’m pretty sure that I don’t have that disorder. but I gave that hypothesis the time and respect it deserved, and that’s ultimately a good thing

someone who doesn’t have a personality disorder is unlikely to continue finding ways symptoms present themselves for months and months on end. the important thing is to see it as a hypothesis. find evidence for and against that hypothesis, and give yourself the time to see what happens with it.

in the end, it’s hard to know for sure whether you have a disorder or not… there’s rarely 100% certainty. all you can do is take note of your experiences and try your best to be honest to yourself

[cluster-c-chaos]

How did you figure out you have personality disorders, especially which ones specifically? Asking for me lol

figuring out that you have a personality disorder can be slightly harder than with other disorders, because many of the behaviours are ego-syntonic (this means that you struggle to see that the behaviours are disordered).

but, in general, you can kind of figure it out in a similar way you figure out anything else.

read through the diagnostic criteria

take note of what you think you experience from that criteria

try to journal your experiences for a couple months

look back at that journal, and highlight any behaviours that line up with a particular personality disorder

if you find that these behaviours are consistent and that they are interfering with your life, it might be a good idea to investigate further (talk to people in the community, and then talk to a professional if you can)

the above process worked for me because I have OCPD, so it's very much natural for me to do everything in a very considered and systematic way. I have been keeping a symptoms journal since I was figuring out autism stuff in high school, so luckily I have a long-standing record of my experiences

it can also help to make yourself a Venn diagram if you have multiple things going on for you. I made a Venn diagram that had OCD, autism, and OCPD, because there are a lot of symptoms in common, and I was getting myself confused. eventually, I found that I had enough symptoms unique to OCPD that it was worth investigating further

I also recommend looking at the simplified diagnostic criteria by @/shitborderlinesdo if you're finding the official diagnostic criteria too confusing (they have a masterlist linked in their header)

[cluster-c-chaos]

(Sorry if other clusters can't respond to the positivity post but I wanted to share mine too)

Let's start with szpd. I love how my lack of emotions helps me be able to help my friends without being too emotional. I love how they find me more helpful because of that. I love seeing my relationships with people in a completely different light than others. I love being able to connect with the world differently. I love understanding emotions differently than others do. Now NPD! I love feeling so confident in my own abilities. I love having grandiose daydreams pushing me towards more goals. I love never giving up because of my NPD. I love feeling more free to be myself now that I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

that was for any cluster, yeah!

thank you so much for sharing, it's always great to see people love themselves despite everything the world says about us

[cluster-c-chaos]

personality disorders are hard. they're hard to manage, and they're hard to talk about. our disorders get demonised a lot, so I think many of us have learnt that we're not allowed to like or appreciate any part of our personality disorders. but that's bullshit! we're just as allowed to show self-love as anyone else! so...

what's your favourite thing about your personality disorder?

I'll start... AvPD has made me put a lot more weight on the friendships (and other relationships) I have, and it's helped me to learn that there's nothing wrong with only having a couple friends.

OCPD has made me super trustworthy when it comes to making plans, and I know that I have a really important role within my friendships

[cluster-c-chaos]

not really an ask, ive just been thinking that i have dpd and apparently traits of avpd too, which is definitely a very interesting mix 🙃

oh wow! congratulations for working that out, and getting started on this journey of self-discovery (I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true! finding out you have a personality disorder is the beginning of a whole new way of seeing)

anyway — I wish you all the best in continuing to figure all this out!

[cluster-c-chaos]

what's the flag in your header? it's quite pretty!

it’s the cluster c flag! I made it myself, because I’m pretty sure one didn’t already exist. I’ve just taken one colour from each of the individual disorder flags and smushed them together, and decided that it looked nice enough

[cluster-c-chaos]

my brain before any social interaction: they don’t know how horrible a person I am

my brain during any social interaction: they clearly don’t know how great I am

my brain after any social interaction: they don’t know how horrible a person I am

[cluster-c-chaos]

doing a poll: do you think your personality disorder impacts your gender and/or gender expression?

[cluster-c-chaos]

simultaneously not special enough to be friends with the people I’m friends with AND too special for anyone else

[cluster-c-chaos]

me: I can’t possibly imagine why my AvPD symptoms are flaring up at the moment

my life at the moment: absolute chaos. everything changing around me. my one trusted person making plans to move overseas etc etc

[cluster-c-chaos]

it’s so much easier to be honest online than in person, because honestly I don’t see online people as real people. I cannot comprehend that other people on the internet are human beings with thoughts of their own. so when I’m running my mouth off on here, it’s because my brain thinks I’m talking to myself

[cluster-c-chaos]

you know the movie Inside Out? how there’s a “core” emotion that drives each person? (e.g Riley is driven by joy)

I like to use that to try and imagine who is the captain of my brain-ship. I think that my driver alternates between anger and fear. which works, because my secret third driver is shame (which is a combo of anger and fear)

it’s a bit silly and simplistic, but I particularly find it useful to imagine when I’m having a particularly bad alexithymia moment