The Cake-Card-Dragon Theory of Asexuality
This is something I’ve been sitting on for almost a year, and I have to accept that it’s never going to express exactly what I want it to express, especially if I don’t share it with other people with other experiences that could expand on it. These are different types of asexuals I’ve seen in the community and different types of characters who frequently get headcanoned as asexual.
That being said, I can see how this might get oversimplified to “asexuals with feminine/neutral/masculine gender expression” but I want to emphasise it’s not actually about gender expression.
Cakes are the asexuals who can be seen enjoying their food, playing with bath bombs, and dressing up in fabulous clothing such as lolita or new romantic. Cakes are likely to joke about “It took me three hours to get into this outfit, I’m not taking it off for anyone!”
Cakes may feed into the stereotype that asexuals are prissy or stuck up, or they may get a bit continental with their kisses: a friendly greeting rather than an expression of romance. Sometimes both. They are likely to express passions, but usually towards food or comfortable living.
People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say that they are replacing sex with other sensual pleasures, but that’s a very silly thing to say because allosexuals can enjoy food, fashion, and self-care just as much as asexuals.
Fictional Examples of Cakes:
Cards are the asexuals who come off as intellectual and cold, even if their areas of expertise are far from the usual “intellectual pursuits”. A card is usually ready to verbally smack down people who don’t believe in asexuality with statistics, facts, and explanations of how their debating opponent has a very shaky grasp on biology. However, they may feel extremely frustrated or bored having these conversations over and over again and are rarely shy in expressing that.
Cards sometimes, but not always, can present themselves as androgynous to some degree, but are usually neat and tidy in their fashion. They are also likely to be very funny people, often with dry or absurd humour.
They are likely to express confusion or dismay over their allosexual friends’ behaviour, either out of genuine confusion or a rhetorical technique to try and get those who feel sexual attraction to examine their own thought processes. A card may find themselves “looking into the camera as if they’re on The Office” whether they’re a real person or not.
Cards feed into the stereotype that asexuals are too absorbed by mental concerns to even be aware of their bodies. Fictional characters headcanoned as cards are often also headcanoned as autistic, but one does not necessarily preclude the other, not in fiction or real life.
People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say they seem inhuman or mechanical, but cards are some of the first people to point out that a biological process shared by the entire animal kingdom is not a very good gauge of humanity.
Fictional Examples of Cards:
Dragons are the asexuals who got really annoyed when they found out what Netflix and Chill meant, because they were ready with the blankets and popcorn.
If cakes dress fancy and cards dress sharply, then a dragon dresses for comfort. They often don’t care about their clothing at all, or if they do it’s ironically or simply flying in the face of what many would consider stylish; ie. “Look at my ridiculous hat! Isn’t it the best!” Especially if said ridiculous hat is worn with their most lived-in jeans and a sweatshirt.
Dragons are likely to start listing off all their interests and joke that they simply don’t have the time to be interested in sex as well. They might do this four hours into lying on their stomach watching Netflix, but those four hours of Netflix were well-spent.
Often, dragons can be perceived as or wonder themselves if they are too attached to their possessions, but this is because they have decided to fill their lives with that which makes them happy, regardless of how that appears. If a dragon wants to sleep with thirty stuffed animals because they’ve been given a new one for every birthday, they aren’t going to let being thirty get in the way of cuddling their stuffed animals.
Dragons may feed into the stereotype that asexuals are childish or hyperfocused on frivolous pursuits, but they can be wonderful friends because they’re fun to be around and they are just as likely to hoard a person as an item: if a dragon decides you’re one of their favourite people, they can be the most ride-or-die friend you have.
If they’ve fully accepted that their life is fulfilled from interests they’ve chosen themselves, dragons can be some of the happiest people you’ve ever met. Of course, some people may say that they’re also some of the strangest people you’ve ever met, but no one consciously picks normal over happy.
People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say dragons never properly grew up, but this is less a problem with the dragons and more a problem with how society expects adults to be boring and miserable.
Fictional Examples of Dragons:
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
stormborns
