blake kathryn
occasionally subtle
Product Placement
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Three Goblin Art
Discoholic 🪩
if i look back, i am lost
Acquired Stardust
Andulka
titsay
Cosimo Galluzzi
art blog(derogatory)
No title available
cherry valley forever
pixel skylines
Jules of Nature
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
No title available
Origami Around
wallacepolsom
seen from United States
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seen from United Kingdom
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seen from Germany
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@strangerdarkerbetter
I have just finished updating the links to Sabrina’s blog.Â
We weren’t able to keep up payment for the site so rather than they’re writing being at strangerdarkerbetter.com, it can now all be found at strangerdarkerbetter.wordpress.com.Â
~rowen
Hi, i went into the resources link and into the DSM criteria for autism explained, but it doesn't open anymore, and i was wondering if you have any other sources of that post on the blog. I appreciate.
Hello! that post can be found here
~rowen
I was hoping to read your Autism A-Z series, but it appears your Wordpress is no longer there? Is there another way I can read it?
Hello! All of our posts can be found at strangerdarkerbetter.wordpress.com and the Autism A-Z series can be found here.
~rowen
Where do we even begin? This post is probably going to be all over the place so please bear with me. I'm still figuring out how to talk about all this.
I guess I'll start by introducing myself. My name is Rowen and I am an alter in Sabrina's system.
Since Sabrina last posted on here, a Lot has happened. We escaped an abusive living situation. We moved to a different state. We discovered that we are a dissociative system and that there are quite a few of us in this body.
***
Over the summer and fall, we went through a lot of new trauma that we’re not able to really talk about yet as it’s still really hard for us to sort things as the memories are held by different alters which makes figuring out timelines and things super weird.Â
But, the gist of things is that we were being psychologically and emotionally abused by someone we considered a best friend with whom we were living. This person used our disabilities against us as a way to control us and invalidate us to others. By the time we escaped, our sense of reality had shattered, we were sleeping only a few hours every few days, and we were severely malnourished from not being able to eat.Â
As summer gave way to autumn, Sabrina began noticing that they were losing time. They would think back over the day and not be able to account for hours at a time. They would find themselves somewhere and not know how they got there. They would find things moved to completely different places than where they remembered leaving things. The were pieces of writing they didn't remember. Other people would mention prior conversations Sabrina had no recollection of.
As the abuse we were enduring took more of a toll, Sabrina lost more and more time. They were losing days at a time. During this time, other alters came forward to plan our escape. Things had become critical for us. We were sleeping only a few hours every couple days, at times remaining awake for nearly three days straight. We didn't feel safe enough to sleep. We barely ate. We pushed the body far beyond it's limits and kept pushing until we would quite literally collapse.
On a Saturday in October, we finally convinced out partner to flee with us after making the decision that whether or not he agreed, we had to escape. Thankfully, even though he didn't understand, he trusted us enough to leave with us.
The next few weeks were incredibly tough. We stayed with a friend as we tried to figure out what to do. There was a lot of fighting and a lot of tears. We constantly felt like we needed to run, to escape.
It was also during this time that Sabrina started to put together the pieces. They began reading about people's real experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder and began suspecting that they may be part of a system.
It was also around this time that I, Rowen, was created. With all of the new trauma we had endured, Sabrina couldn't handle being host any longer. Several of us split off during our time in the Manor and the ensuing chaos. When Sabrina stopped fronting, we were basically a revolving door of traumatized alters for a bit before I stepped into the role of host.
We've since moved back in with our parents, and while it was a really difficult transition that brought up a lot of old trauma, it has given us the chance to start recovering.
Things are still pretty rough for us. Our physical health is a mess and getting healthcare has been an uphill battle that we're still struggling through. And our mental health is still quite the mess, though we've definitely made a lot of progress.
We don't have much communication between alters yet, but there has been some improvement.
Sabrina hasn't been around much since the escape and the few times they have come out, they've been very distraught.
Coming to understand that we are a system has been a difficult process, and one that we are still going through. Losing time is frightening. Having such limited memories of our life is hard. Learning to work together is challenging, especially when it is still so difficult for us to communicate. This has been a really difficult journey thus far and there's still a lot of work ahead of us, but we're still here and we're still fighting and we're going to keep working towards a better future for us.
***
StrangerDarkerBetter is Sabrina's blog and was primarily centered around autism. With Sabrina being absent for the time being, we've decided to use a different blog.
If you're interested in following us on our journey as we learn more about our system, you can find us over at @paradoxesofgalaxies. We reblog a variety of things as well as posting original content occasionally (though we hope to start posting more going forward)
Our inbox is open and we will do our best to respond to any questions we receive, though it make take some time as communication is still a struggle for us much of the time.
***
If you're interested in learning more about DID, we suggest checking out some of the following resources:
Dissociative Identity Disorder - The Basics of DID
Living Life With Dissociative Identity Disorder
DID 101 - Some Things to Know
***
We would like to conclude by apologizing for any harm we have caused and to those we have worried. The love and support y'all have shown Sabrina is incredible and we thank you so deeply. Y'all are truly incredible!
~Rowen/The Paradox System
we all deserve respect and dignity!!
to learn more, or to donate time/money to the cause, please visit freedommassachusetts.org
My gf was trying to describe hand flapping and velociraptor hands and accidentally combined it, calling it “raptor slapping”
And honestly, I love it
IM LAUGHING SO HARD I DIDNT THINK SEXUAL DESIRE WAS A REAL THING LIKE I ALWAYS SAW PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WANTED SEX BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE JOKING OR EXAGGERATING OR SOMETHING THATS WHY IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO REALIZE I WAS ACE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING SEX ISNT THAT IMPORTANT IM 19 YEARS OLD I CANT STOP LAUGHING LITERALLY 99% OF THE POPULATION EXPERIENCES SEXUAL DESIRE AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE
This is pretty much the definition of being an ace person, tbh, and I’m so glad.
#I thought it was an exaggeration for literal years (via sonickitty)
this is literally the #that sounds fake but okay meme im dying
#ME#I THOUGHT SEXUAL ATTRACTION WAS RARE#AKA#HOW TO FIND OUT YOU’RE DEMI (via @miseryauthoress)
Honestly, every single cheating plotline never made sense because “but why do you have to have sex with them? just don’t??”
^^^^ Every single cheating plot line ever I was like: What is so hard about keeping your pants on what is your problem??
…do you have any idea how hard it is to do literary criticism that will get published when your reaction to at least 75% of character motivations is this makes no sense whatsoever why do they even care?Â
When people ask you why you don’t date someone just to try, and when you answer that well you’re not interested in that person, they explain that usually you don’t like the person at first, but you might fall in love after having dated a little while
and you’re just?????? but what?????????? is the point of dating someone if you don’t like them??????????????Â
what do you mean the point is making out and sex????????? why would i want to do that with someone i don’t already like?????????
I have literally experienced all of these.
so here’s a quick story
to help with decision making when going on a date, my bf and i created a list of 20 restaurants we like. 1 being ihop (as a joke, neither of us actually like ihop), 20 being our favorite steakhouse, with the rest in no particular order. we roll a d20 and go to the corresponding place
after i wrote the list down, he goes “roll it, let’s go to dinner tomorrow night!” i got excited, he got a die out, and i fucking CRIT FAILED and now we’re FORCED to go to ihop tomorrow because both of us are too stubborn to back out omg
im currently on the phone with him and im saying “what time you wanna go” and he’s all “to ihop? what time are we going to ihop?” omg he just keeps saying ihop to emphasize how dumb we are
okay but this is the cutest and most real shit i’ve ever seen.
The rolls are meaningless if critical failures don’t come with consequences.
I like how the only reason Harry is able to fight the imperious curse so easily is because it hits him and he’s like “Ah I feel calm and relaxed and happy…this is wrong.”
harry: serotonin? in this economy?
for real there’s nothing worse than seeing actual teenagers trot out the “your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25!” bullshit. that is a view of brain development that falls somewhere in the spectrum between “way oversimplified” and “just plain wrong”. it gets pushed and repeated because it helps prop up social norms that include robbing young people of autonomy and consent, regulating them out of the public sphere, and silencing their voices on important issues. and my heart just breaks to see teens internalizing this narrative of “you’re inherently stupid and untrustworthy because your brain is programmed to be shitty for another 10 years”. it’s like some kind of mass stockholm syndrome. young people please love yourselves and realize you do not have to wait until your mid-20s to be a whole and real person with the right to be taken seriously.
So, I agree that young people’s opinions should be taken more seriously, but could you expand on the first bit? Why do you see the fact that the brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25 to be nearly plain wrong? It’s fact that the prefrontal cortex– the part of the brain in charge of risk vs reward, decision making, control of the ego, etc.– finishes developing at 25, and is the last cortex to reach maturity. While I agree it has become overused to write off young people’s rights, it is in fact a true statement.
so, this is a big issue. I’m going to try and break it down into a few vital points but I’ll probably miss some things.
first, there’s the problem of science being poorly reported or even entirely misrepresented in popular media and in social discourse at large. a magazine called Parenting Science ran a great article about this in 2009. they used the example of a brain imaging study that had found teenagers showed more activity in the medial prefrontal cortex - the area of the brain associated with social decision making - than adults in certain situations. the scientists who did this study posited that this result might have something to do with teens having less social experience to draw on, and thus needing to think harder to understand subtle cues and predict others’ behavior; or with the more flexible but less efficient neural networks that characterize young brains. but when it hit the popular press, this study was reported, incredibly, as “teen brains lack capacity for empathy”. and not just in niche blogs or local rags - WebMD, MSNBC, and CBS all ran this story, saying that a study that had nothing to do with empathy whatsoever had scientifically proven that teenagers were less capable of caring about others than adults.
what’s happening here is that science is being twisted in public consciousness to support pre-existing stereotypes of young people. this really isn’t surprising if you study the history of science and society - any research about a group of people commonly treated as a cohesive social category will get misused to some extent.
next, there’s the issue in both general public discourse and academia itself of going into research with biased framings. our culture approaches childhood with what you might call a “deficit model”: any difference between young people and adults is taken to mean that adults are better. example: everyone knows teens think they’re invincible and don’t understand danger and that’s why they’re risk-takers, right? so we get year after year of research that aims to figure out exactly what part of the brain is responsible for that dangerous behavior, and never questions the underlying assumption. this study in the academic journal Nature turns this assumption on its head by saying teens aren’t irresponsible and reckless, they’re tolerant of ambiguity and uncertainty.
and really, this makes a lot more sense than thinking about it the other way. there’s no reason the human race would’ve evolved such that our brains have a diminished capacity to understand danger in the years before we procreate. what’s the survival advantage of that?? but it makes a hell of a lot of sense that we would’ve evolved such that in the early years of our independent lives, we’re more accepting of situations we can’t predict or control. and in fact, this study in the Journal of Research on Adolescence (paywall) suggests something very much along these lines is at play: young people who engage in potentially hazardous “exploratory behavior” with their peers learn faster and show better performance on similar tasks later.
now, of course, that might still look like “risky” behavior from an objective outside point of view. but when a researcher starts out from the unbiased perspective of “how do adolescents approach decision-making situations?” rather than the biased perspective of “why are teen brains so screwy?”, very different results emerge about the mechanisms behind age-related differences, and the potential value of those differences.
next, there’s the fact that there’s stuff about the young brain we just don’t know yet, and some of it could have the potential to seriously change what supposedly settled science means. this study by researchers at Washington University in St Louis found that children and adults actually use different parts of the brain to perform the same tasks. specifically - this is the fascinating part - children tend to use more regions toward the back of their brains to do cognitive tasks that adults would tend to use more regions toward the front of their brains for. the lead scientist on the study specifically said this could be a way children’s brains compensate for the slow development of frontal regions.
now, this hasn’t been explored specifically yet as far as I know, but what this could imply is that those studies that show less activity in “the region of the brain associated with self-regulation” might be effectively meaningless. if kids can do the same things with different parts of their brains compared to adults, maybe they don’t need “fully-developed” prefrontal cortices to do what adults rely on our fully-developed prefrontal cortices for.
there’s also the fact that biology may be taking credit for what is, in fact, the province of culture and society. psychologist Robert Epstein wrote an article in Scientific American in which he attempted to remind us all that brain imaging studies are correlational, not causational; in other words, they can’t say whether or not differences in brain structure and function are the cause of different behavior. and the relationship between emotions/experiences/behavior and the brain isn’t a one-way street. the way we act, the way we feel, and what we see, hear, and do all change our brains in profound ways. “if teens are in turmoil,” Epstein says, “we will necessarily find some corresponding chemical, electrical or anatomical properties in the brain. but did the brain cause the turmoil, or did the turmoil alter the brain?”
in other words, even if teenagers are categorically more reckless, more prone to destructive and criminal behavior, more likely to suffer mental illness, and even if teen brains are categorically different from adult brains…we don’t have any solid data by which to blame the one on the other. it is just as likely, if not more likely, that the way our society treats young people (subjecting them to ten times as many restrictions on their behavior and experiences as the average adult and twice as many as incarcerated felons, Epstein points out) is the cause of this tumultuous adolescence, which in turn causes differences in brain function - rather than teen brains being naturally different, and that naturally causing teen turmoil.
the final point I want to make is that even when the science is relatively settled, how it gets perceived and interpreted in everyday thought and discourse is often the result of it being filtered through preexisting prejudices. as an example: there are things the young brain is better at. young children’s brains are (on average) superior to adolescent and adult brains in skill acquisition and sensorimotor processing. adolescent and young adult brains are superior in processing speed, short-term memory, and creative thinking. adult brains are superior in emotional regulation, executive functioning, and critical thinking. (I can find sources for these if anyone is curious, but they would all be different and I didn’t want to be giving 6+ links in the middle of a paragraph.)
so why do we consider a brain “fully developed” when it’s reached the peak of its executive function prowess, instead of the peak of its processing speed and creativity? because society, not science, says adults are “fully developed” humans, and so any aspect of young brains which is superior is considered unimportant. we admit, quite freely, that young people are often more creative and better at learning - but we ultimately don’t care. meanwhile, the aspects of cognition that happen to be stronger later in life get held up as marks of some sort of ineffable completeness.
to be honest, I would go so far as to say it’s completely impossible to actually understand age-based differences in human cognition within the current social framework of how we understand childhood and adulthood. I question at a base level whether unbiased scientific knowledge is even accessible in this kind of cultural climate. I’m not saying research on this should all just stop, but we should start having the same conversations we’re having about research on the brain and gender, for example.
this is probably the longest post I’ve ever written on this site now, but science and society is such a fascinating topic for me generally, especially when it gets paired with social justice issues. I hope what I’ve written here make sense and is helpful in understanding why it’s so problematic to just boil everything down to “your brain isn’t fully formed until you’re 25″. send me an ask if you want me to clarify anything!
The Past is The Past, Matt Bors
Let’s reblog this until everybody sees it
that autistic feel when you go to put on a shirt and you just immediately
[a gif of lapis lazuli from steven universe saying, “i’m not putting that on my body”, end description]
The special interest chooses the autistic
do you think that people with invisible physical disorders are allowed to be part of the c-punk movement?
So we want to start with, we’re not gatekeepers here. But we also knew the person who spawned Cripple Punk and they absolutely, positively would support including people with invisible illnesses and disabilities.
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Here’s the thing- a lot of us have conditions and illnesses and disabilities that the rest of the world either doesn’t notice or just flat out doesn’t see. That doesn’t make those things any less real- although the able world would like us to believe that. If being c-punk makes you feel empowered, makes you feel understood, makes you feel welcomed- it doesn’t matter what the abled world sees when they look at you. Â
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Welcome to c-punk. <3
i know being extremely ill is a tremendous burden and i would never truly want to be sicker than i currently am, but fuck i hate being stuck in the grey area of chronic illness. that area of being able to shower yourself most days, of being able to cook sometimes, of being able to walk up a flight of stairs, of being able to drive a car, but also of not being able to work or study, of not being able to stand for longer than 5 minutes, of not being able to walk long distances or play sports or, let’s be honest, have sex. i don’t know where i am or where that leaves me, and what makes it harder is that the line between what a chronically ill person can do and should do is very, very blurry. it’s so, so hard living your life in a constant state of limbo
This is very, very relatable. I have days where I can do things. I can go out for a day, go for a walk, clean my room, do laundry etc. But doing these things means it’s the only thing I can do that day and it also means I’ll be in so much more pain the next couple of days. It can mean that I wake up the next day and won’t be able to get up for a while because I’m so sore. That I’ll have trouble walking and keeping myself upright. Or that I have to stay in bed.
If I have an appointment/event on one day I’ll have to shower the day before. Because when I shower on the same day I don’t have enough energy for the appointment/event. I can cook for myself but only when I don’t have to go to the store that day, when the kitchen is already clean and when I haven’t done anything else that day or something “intense” the day before.
It’s really difficult manage because I never know what I am able to do, what I should do and how much pain something is worth. I don’t even know how much pain my activities will cause at any given time. And then when I hesitate to participate in something while I seem “fine” people mostly assume I’m just being lazy. It’s annoying.
