Hey TW for some trance writing I did that got a little dark (metaphors of child abuse, possible csa, and parental abuse)
I think my dad is a monster. Not the kind that you think about when you first hear the word, but the kind that you imagine when you're a severely fucked up kid. Something so dark and depraved that you can't even understand why god allowed it to exist. And all your life in your worst nightmares you would see this monster come at you with shining teeth and bright red eyes, just waiting to rip your throat out. And then you grow up and you realize that this monster is nothing more than a man. And you and he are all alone.
And you try to wrap your childish mind around such a simple concept and yet the task seems impossible. Because no. simply no. beings like this don't live in fairytale worlds. Beings like this don't get to live in the same forests as kind little girls. And you run and hide and cower behind what little scraps of childhood you can cling to because the monster has ripped it all away like it was his all along. But the color pink doesn't wash away sin. And you will always be burned.
No amount of stuffed animals and blankets and pillows can heal the charred flesh that covers your body. No amount of kisses from your brand new mother can undo the damage of being tossed into the abyss when you could barely think for yourself. And yet again you're all alone, and you've always been alone. Alone with the monster. And the word father clings to him like wet clothes and it makes you sick every time you think it. This man is no father. This man has never known the gift of loving a child.
And now you've run away, like you always dreamed. You've run so very far but the monster still whispers in your ear every night and you let him. Why do you let him? He is a monster and you are a girl and you will never know peace. But the monster loves you. He loves you more than one can possibly love another, and the words feel like acid in your throat, they make you sick. Your ears are bleeding, why why why does he keep saying that. This monster has never known love. And neither have you.
He is the shark and you are the piece of fish stuck in his teeth rotting away year by year. You'll never truly be free, as the only fate awaiting you beyond these pointy teeth is the deep dark pool of acid beneath, and he'll only be holding you closer, and you'll only be more trapped. This monster has been with you all your life. You were only a little girl when he nabbed you in his teeth. And as you grew larger in the cramped space between his rotting bones, you began to understand the luxury it is to hate.
Because even today, you cannot hate this monster. After all, he's kept you safe in his teeth, where the other sharks would never find you. And this monster loves you. This monster has always loved you. You were too young to understand why he was biting you, but you know now he's only a man and this is his love. He's all you have. The others don't understand.
They let him bite you and then got angry when you were eaten. They'll never know the feeling of his teeth sinking into their flesh so deep it scrapes their bones. They'll never know the scent of stomach acid burning their nostrils all their lives. They'll never be eaten. They'll never know the feeling of loving the man who left your life on fire.
This is wrong. You're dirty. You're soaked in saliva and you can feel it on every corner of you and it's wrong. But you're still so deeply wedged within his teeth that you know you'll never know the feeling of being clean.
Why did he do this? Why is the monster like this? Why couldn't he just leave you alone? Why don't you want him to leave you alone? You were so little when he swallowed you whole and you've never seen the light. Never known the feeling of being dry. The monster is a shark but he's still just a man and you'll never understand how he can be both and you don't want to understand. Children dream up such horrible creatures.
You dream of monsters and they're something like your monster but they'll never even touch him. Your monster owns the word monster. It's plastered all over his skin in bright red writing. It belongs to him, it has become him.
Problem is, you're a monster now too. Maybe that was his goal all along. Turn his young into a monster just like him. But youre a different kind of monster. He's the kind of monster children have bad dreams about. The kind of monster they put in movies you can hardly sit through to the credits. You're the kind of monster who went through some kind of horrible accident and now you're permanently disfigured. You are repulsive. And maybe that's why you stay in his teeth. Because he's the only one who’ll ever truly know you now.
What could you have been if he hadn't brutalized you? What could you have done?
The worst part is you don't even know what it feels like to be bit. Because you can't remember. It's all gone. God knows you'd give anything to remember, to just prove to yourself that he really did bite you. Because despite the fact that you're currently wedged within his teeth, days away from slipping down his throat, you're still not sure. You still doubt. How could you ever be sure?
You've been so strange all your life. Your sisters were fine. They got nipped at and they barely flinched. Why did you get eaten? Why are you different? Why are you wrong? Why are you broken?
Why can't you remember? Why can't you know what's wrong? Everyone lies lies lies and you're lying to yourself now. You're keeping secrets from you, that's not right, why do that?
romaincrisis
prguitarman
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
baratheonpilled
izzy806
