comprehending-love

my quest to understand myself and the world i live in

[comprehending-love]

If Jesus didn’t sin, was He really human?

A book I read recently said that Jesus experienced full humanity (everything except sex) (the book specifically mentioned that).. and when I read that.. I asked.. well if Jesus hasn’t experienced sin, how can you say he experienced true humanness? Isn’t sin a part of being human? Doesn’t the entirety, the fullness, the wholeness, the completeness of being a person start from sin and then redemption? Meaning that our brokenness is a requirement for us in being human? And so when we say “experiencing the fullness of humanity”, aren’t we referring to the whole shabang - our shared struggle with brokenness, and finding beauty in that struggle through the redemptive power of Jesus? Well, that’s what I thought. Which was why the Good News was so good to me. Because I felt it made me a more full human. And without knowing, the more redemption, grace and mercy I experienced, the more human, whole and abundant I felt. 

But no. Talking to a good friend from church, she reminded me that no - there was once a time, long, long ago when people did not have to deal with sin. There was flourishing and abundance without sin. There is an infinitely greater amount of abundance and fullness when we don’t sin and this only is possible when we are completely and wholly in tune with God, ourselves, and each other. 

Clearly, I had gotten too comfortable with the cyclical pattern of sin and grace, and had mistakenly associated the struggle we Christians go through to fight against sin with the way to living a life of abundance. Though the bible does say Jesus came to give us life and have it to the full (John 10:10), and through the blood of Christ, we are forgiven and constantly sanctified here on Earth, the level of abundance we can experience in this world doing life with Jesus cannot compare to what we will experience in heaven. And even more importantly (for me), sin is not a requirement for experiencing abundance here on earth. Meaning, a life of holiness and/or the pursuit of holiness does not equate to a boring, unfulfilling life, but rather even deeper intimacy and greater knowledge of God. Basically, the epitome of fullness, abundance, joy, and freedom is found when we are in perfect harmony and union with God, which can only happen when we are holy. 

Well, so I guess I’ll just have to “press on” towards the goal for the prize of the upward heavenly calling we have in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14) and remember the call to “Be holy for I the Lord Your God am Holy.” (somewhere in Leviticus).

Night!

[worshipgifs]

[comprehending-love]

Why Break Ups are Hard

People are designed to love fully and passionately. They’re not wired to just live detached, removed, unaffected, alone. We were made to feel, to hurt, to be disappointed, to love. And that’s why break ups are hard. They say if you have good friends and a loving family around you, it’s easier. And it is true. But not for the reason you probably thought it was. You probably think it’s easier because those people will love you and take care of you. And to a certain degree, that is true. But I think it’s also because I can love them. My heart can feel for someone.. other than my ex. It hurts and it mourns, it aches and it’s torn for something other than my ex. It smiles and it rejoices, it confides and is delighted in someone other than my ex. It still beats, and it’s still alive. When the bible says true love is felt when you love another, it’s true. You feel love more from loving another than from receiving it. The strongest love is a mother’s love they say, right? And a mother just gives and gives right? I think break ups are hard because the person who made your heart so sensitive, so open is no longer there and nothing in this world moves you so strongly anymore. Nothing and no one sparks anything inside of me anymore. Children don’t even spark as much, I noticed. My sister, my friends. What did spark me was God. Thank the Lord - since it showed me that God moved me more even in my relationship. That his love did not supersede His love. But besides God, really, there was nothing. But this past Sunday, I felt a lot of joy and appreciation for the church. For the brother who served so faithfully for the church and for the family who was leaving the church after not getting much support as a family. My heart broke. My heart felt gratitude. It moved. And so, this Sunday made me think my heart can beat again. #DannyGokey #unedited

[comprehending-love]

Happy Valentine's Day! Share this with your friends today.

“Once a couple was asked how they managed to stay together for 65 years and they’re response was actually quite unique. They said that “we lived in a time where if something was broken we would fix it not throw it away.” And we find that some people treat relationships like video games. First of all they start by playing them and when they get bored they quit. I believe we always give advice we need to take and doesn’t it always seem that everyone has the best guidance for us. And we receive advice from our friends, we analyze and oversee relationships on TV and in real life. We dream about what it would be like to love as they do in the movies. Love is promised on countless dating sites and every year we can depend on Taylor Swift to release a song about a love story where everything is changed but it’s still sweeter than fiction and you’re still in love. They say when you’re happy you enjoy the music but when you’re sad you understand the lyrics. See the challenge is that we’re meant to love people and use thing but today we use people and love things. The way we communicate says it all. We spend more time holding our phones than we hold each other. We ask google more questions that we ask each other. A lot of problems in the world would be solved if stopped talking about each other and started talking to each other. If we didn’t share all our issues with everyone but talked one on one then we could actually strike up a connection, strike up conversation, strike up a discussion, a dialogue that helps us solve the unsolvable problems, the challenges that we’re dealing with on a daily basis. When you’re young you say I love you because I need you. When you grow up you realize I need you because I love you. And this is what happens when two people who understand themselves come together. They actually are able to enhance each other’s potential. See relationships aren’t about compromise; they’re actually about empowering the other person to achieve their goals, helping them grow to become the individual they deserve to become, that they can become. And therefore it’s not just about our selfish motives, it’s not about what we want, relationships are not about us. See what usually happens is that two people come together to complete each other. They come together and they depend on each other and this dependence leads to a drain, and this drain leads to more pain and insight into what it feels like to constantly have someone who depends on you for everything. This starts to create a barrier or a bitterness between the two individuals where actually one starts to feel that they’re actually carrying the other person the whole way through. That’s why we all need to find someone who makes us want to change our life and not just our relationships status. Finding someone that makes us want to be our best. Finding someone that make us question how we act and behave. Someone who makes us think about our widest possibilities, someone who thinks about our greatest  goals and dreams, someone who inspires you. Someone who inspires you to make a difference in your life and the life of others. You need to go out and find them.“

[afrolatina05]

Its a cold cruel world without a cosigner

Whitley, its a different World (via afrolatina05)

if you’re adult enough to have experienced this, then maybe you can relate. as immigrants and a lower middle class american family, you don’t know how big of a blessing it is to have a cosigner for that first 2-bed apt you’ve been saving 10 years to buy. and you don’t know how cruel the world is, when you can’t buy it cause no one trusts you and is willing to put their finances on the line for you. 

[sense-and-fashion]

I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn’t get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren’t together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they’re not, they’re living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You’re not falling behind, it’s just not your time.

Julissa Loaiza (via sense-and-fashion)

[comprehending-love]

9/10 would give a pregnant lady a cigarette when she asked for it. 

Saw this video on snapchat recently. Lots of feelings. Not anger but more disbelief, sadness, disappointment, amongst others. Yeah, we all make our own decisions and yeah, we mind our own business, but maybe that's not right? Like, in Korea, it's so typical to see someone commenting if you're drinking in public, or you're a girl and you're wearing something too short or revealing at night, or a couple is fighting.. Like, values are different and that's why we in America have a "don't mind me, I won't mind you" kind of mentality, which I respected until this video opened my eyes. Like "hmmm what if stepped over my line of concern and went up to her and actually cared for her baby's well being by arguing with her and trying to teach her?" just because we are strangers, am i not entitled to press my concern and care for her and the baby? But now another question is, if you care, does that mean you can step over your line and push someone in one direction? Like say, just because you friend really cares for you, is she entitled to snatch that drug away from you or is your mom entitled to enroll you in a doctoral program without your permission? why are we trying to be so politically right? what if we actually followed our hearts to care for our brothers and sisters, and the other person actually didn’t take it the wrong way. what if when i went up to the lady and said “miss, are you sure that’s what you want to do? if you’re having a hard time with the baby, may i introduce you to some consulting or therapists? is there anything i can help you with? and she didn’t reply with “who the hell are you to tell me what to do and how to live my life? you think i can’t take care of my own child that i need you to help me?” what if...

[comprehending-love]

fake memories?

there are people who live in the past and there are people who live in the present and there are people who live in the future. i thought i was someone who always lived in the present and future. that was because I didn't really remember or know the depth of past memories, experiences - which is quite ironic. but today, i saw a picture from the past that reminded me of the feelings i had towards a person a while ago. i cared for this person, i looked out for this person, i felt this person's pains and wanted to be of useful of help to this person. in actuality, i might have not done much. i mean at my age and with the amount of exposure we actually give to the world around us is so little, rarely people around us know and can physically help with another's pain. but to the extent i can hear this person's problems and dark secrets, I listened and felt pain. maybe it was a one-sided thing. at the moment, i didn't think it was. but fast forward to the present where this person acts totally different towards me. yes, time passed and we didn't talk during that time. and yes, a lot has probably happened to this person as well as me. but, to experience a type of confrontation that totally made me feel a different way towards this person makes me doubt whether the feelings i had towards this person in the past were real. it's really confusing. and hurtful. to even think that maybe it wasn't real? were we faking it? or were we just so immersed in the emotions at the time that we said certain things and confessed certain things.. idk.. but it's weird that tears still fall. even as i write this, they fall.. for reasons I dont know..

[comprehending-love]

“You are constant. You are faithful.” -Undignified Lab

[comprehending-love]

about love again

im always talking about that, idk why. 

but my dad sent me a link some time ago of a video he wanted me to watch. so i watched it and it was very interesting. basically a grown man talking about his life and how he became an adult - the thoughts behind it, and what he learned, his mistakes, etc. He said a lot of good things but the thing that stood out the most was that - love starts when you begin to see their back (like their physical back). he says it’s one thing to look at a person, but it’s another to see a person. (너를 본다 vs. 너가 보인다) In Korean, there’s a huge difference, but I don’t know if the English language can really interpret that. But anyways.. When the person begins to come up in our minds when we see the sky or watch a movie, when we take time to see the person walking away towards the field to rejoin his team instead of just looking when he’s coming towards you, when we begin to notice the slumped shoulders of our mothers, and the slight limp of our fathers, we are really seeing, and we are really loving.. well, i think.

[jececilia-deactivated20200605]

Because of you, I know what love is.

http://jececilia.com/2013/06/04/alby-song/

Last night, I was trying to explain to someone, looking for the words to describe what Albert meant to me, and the first thing I said was “He taught me everything I know about love.“ 

I said it without even fully understanding what I meant, yet it felt right. It felt perfect to summarize his role in my life. Thinking about him, and literally nothing else, for the past few days, and I can trace exactly why I feel this way.

When I was 12, I met Albert for the first time. I can’t list the infinite reasons I might’ve fallen for him, don’t need to. I just fell, so hard. I’ve never felt so completely enraptured by someone in my life. I was obsessed, possessed. I wanted to know everything about him, to be close to him, to mean something to him. The next few years were dedicated to just that. I found out he played trombone in marching band and I literally begged my mom to buy me a $900 trombone (a fucking trombone..) because I suddenly had this "burning passion” to play it. 7 am, 0 period, sitting next to him. Marching next to him in parades. Both content and dissatisfied with the 55 minutes I got to be 1.5 feet away from him. Of course he’d only joke around and tease me, as high school boys do, but it meant the world to me. The happiness so monumental from actions so small drove me insane. I wanted more. More more more of him, all of him. 

I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to Sadies in 10th grade. We shopped for matching shirts and ate lunch. Took pictures and danced. I wish I could say that that sparked something more, but he only ever saw me as his “little sister.” Drove me nuts. 

I’m fuzzy on the timeline, but somehow, somewhere in those years, we ended up in my bed. I told him I wanted to lose my virginity to him. I loved him, (what I thought was love at the time. But who’s to say it’s not? It was, and still is.) and said “I want it to be you.” But even with the opportunity paired with raging teenage hormones, he couldn’t. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I care about you too much.” Rejected and hurt, young, and new to romance, I didn’t understand. But now I realize he loved me, he did, just not in the way that I loved him.

I moved on from my first crush, of course. But to me, he will always be “that boy.” He taught me everything about love, not because we had the perfect relationship, or a relationship at all, but because I knew from the day I went crazy for this guy, that this is how love is supposed to feel. I never once thought about the practicality or logistics of being with Albert. I never even really thought about being with him, in a relationship. All I thought about, all I wanted, was.. him. 

Even after high school, even after he flew off to West Point, he never failed to remind me how much I’m worth, and how much deserve. Him refusing my body was the first time someone I loved put my well being in front of their little desires. He asked me to be his date 2 years ago to the West Point Ball in New York (he didn’t have a girlfriend at the time), but I couldn’t go because I was still in school. When I asked “Why me? Of all girls,” he told me that if he could choose 1 person to share that with, to show a good time to, to show off to his friends, it’d be me. Strictly platonic, but so lovely, nonetheless. He would always tell me, show me, simply exist to prove to me, that real love asks for nothing.

Albert taught me about sacrifice. I’d always ask him how he endured such vigorous training. The physical and mental demands of the military academy completely evaded me. But he never once questioned what he signed up to do. “I have to do it, so I just do it.” I felt so humbled, honored to call him my friend. Someone who serves without expectation. Someone who gives without taking. Someone who loves without needing. Someone whom I would be proud to measure up to be half as substantial as. 

He would tell me about his flings, hookups, crushes. A part of me was and will always be jealous of the girls that had his attention in the way I never quite did. But I’d laugh at his stories (they were genuinely hilarious) and give sympathy for his heartaches. Any girl he’d tell me about that didn’t like him back, I wanted to punch in the face. They have no idea who they could’ve had. 

Albert,

Earlier today, your organs saved 6 lives. Giving til the end. I want to look up each of these 6 lucky survivors and tell them. Tell them who you were. Tell them how blessed they are. To be alive, to have a part of you keeping them alive.

“Your heart, is a heart of gold. It beats with superhuman strength, stronger and harder than anyone else’s on this earth. Treasure it, love it back.

Your lungs, they breathe the air of mountaintops, ocean winds, of every person whose breath he took away. Including mine. 

Your liver, honestly- sorry, might be a bit damaged from past excessive alcohol consumption, but it commemorates the celebration of life. Party while you can, I’m sure he won’t mind.

Your intestines, I won’t be surprised if you end up constipated, because Albert never gave a shit what other people thought. In a good way.

Your skin, is skin, that’s not meant to cover up burn wounds or look smooth and flawless. Your skin’s function is to touch. To touch and be felt.”

But I know what you’d say to me. You’d say that it doesn’t matter if these people know you or your story. It just matters that you were able to help. There is always an action, and a reaction. You never cared about people’s reactions, only of your own actions. True virtue, true sacrifice. 

In the same way, I realize now that it doesn’t matter that you didn’t “love” love me. Because I know that I loved you. For the first time. And that became the definition, the model, the essence of what I now call “love” in my life. 

Thank you, for teaching me. Everything. I know about love.

[comprehending-love]

thesaurus.com says the opposite of profitable is...

fruitless

impotent

incapable

unfruitful

unhelpful

unproductive

unprofitable

unskilled

useless

valueless

worthless

disadvantageous

[comprehending-love]

northeastern state of the university

i go to school at northeastern and since my first day of class as a freshman, i thought to myself - if northeastern was on the stock exchanged, i would invest all my savings in its stock. and lo and behold northeastern rose in ranking significantly, got million dollar grants, and has 2 new campuses, etc etc. Moody also changed its bond rating to positive this past year! yay :) so i love and really appreciate northeastern - for it’s strategic mindset and goal-oriented management skills in improving the institution. but as always, i am wary of those who succeed so quickly. i also am wary of those who succeed in general. not because they succeeded, but because they succeeded in THIS society. maybe “wary” isn’t the right word but i am being more cautious. today, at the state of the university address, students protested that neu invests $60 mil in fossil feuls, but says sustainability is it’s top 3 focus “arcs” for 2025, huh. though i don’t know the exact facts, i wasn’t surprised. im also not surprised that exxon mobil has a position in northeastern’s board of trustees. i know, that the higher up you are, the more blurry the lines become. you can’t quit or break a relationship or walk off on a deal because a part of it is unethical. im not trying to judge or be critical of things i don’t know the full story to. i just hope that as a future educator in higher education, i dont become someone who takes advantage of education for the sole purpose of making money or becoming profitable. i wish all schools, whether it’s research based, for-profit, non-profit, liberal arts, etc. - would laud both lucrative and non-lucrative contributions to society. 

[comprehending-love]

does having boundaries mean you're limited?

in church a lot of people talk about boundaries, and I’m all for it, but i never really thought about it too deeply until I took a gospel class and we were talking about attributes of God. after the class, i had a bunch of questions regarding God and sin and love (typical me), and i sent the guy an email with all my questions. in one of his responses, he said, “There definitely are limits on God's character, but not in the way that you think. God cannot be someone dishonest. He cannot be a slanderer, he cannot be a liar. These are boundaries, but in terms of all that he stands for (love, grace, justice, mercy, righteous anger (more on this later)) he has no boundaries. It is as absolute and true as it can ever be. And just because he has boundaries, does not mean that God is limited.” Beautifully said! my brain is too fried right now to expand so ill just leave it at that! :) comment below if you want!

[comprehending-love]

voting ignorance

before i say anything else, i admit that i am terrible at keeping up with the news. i am not a global person, and i am too stuck in my own bubble. i dont care about things that don’t directly pertain to me (which is a terribly dumb thought since everything/everyone is related to another). but im not gonna expand more on this, cause that’ll take a whole new post. what i want to talk about is how my ignorance kind of helped me make the right choice. recently, brandon stenton, the person behind Humans of New York made a public declaration that voting/opposing for [Trump] “is no longer a political decision. it’s a moral one.” and i agree. when my mom asked me Trump or Hillary sometime when the first caucuses rolled out, i said Hillary (i didn’t know about bernie then).  not because i knew what the hell i was talking about but because sometimes, we gotta stop calculating and thinking of the small things, and just look at the person. even tho Hillary is on the opposite side for almost every decision I want made in America, she has a conscience. she knows shame. and she doesn’t spit our whatever she feels at the moment. yeah she’s kinda fake, sometimes too “crafty”, and tries too hard to be “politically correct” all the time, but trump has no regard for these kinds of things at all. he ignores his conscience and denies any kind of vulnerable emotion that might arise inside of him. it’s more likely his conscience was probably stepped on and ripped apart while working on Wall Street. sad, but most likely true.. his hatred, bigotry and incriminating attitude just proves how pitiful and sad he is inside. but just like how we can have compassion and cry out for those who are lost (like trump) but we try to stray away from those people so as not to get influenced, i can pray for trump, but i will not vote for him. because the last person i want as my president is someone whose mind and heart is not beating for people, but for other things. i want someone with a healthy mind and heart to lead to country. 

BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE

[comprehending-love]

We have to make an effort to remember His death

So people say "I think a funeral is a celebration cause we, Christians, go to heaven." I one hundred percent agree that yes, our death is something to celebrate. But our leaving/passing on from this world is something sad. Our suffering that resulted in death is sad and something to be solemnly mediated on and respectfully remembered. Even though our death means going to heaven, I'm not gonna wear slippers or put on some track jacket and go to the funeral. And when it's Jesus's death, even more so. Resurrection followed His death, but Jesus went through pain and sadness physically and emotionally nonetheless (even though he knew he was going to rise in 3 days). We need to acknowledge and pay our respects to Jesus on Good Friday fully, and then fully celebrate on Easter.

[comprehending-love]

my first post

one friday night at church, we separated into small groups and had a discussion about love. i’m almost always open in sharing about my thoughts and so i shared how love was just so hard for me - hard to understand, hard to have, hard to give, hard to do.. just really hard. i didn’t understand this thing we called love. i was scared of it too, it seemed to require a vulnerability that exceeded my capability.. and if it was just worldly love that i was struggling with, it would’ve been okay. but even with my relationship with God, i struggled. my favorite and most thought-about verse in the bible is 1 john 4:18 where it says “there is no fear in love (love referring to perfect love - which only comes from God) but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love.” yeah, i understand me struggling to be vulnerable with people around me. because they have the potential and power to hurt me. the more vulnerable i am, the more i give, the more i could hurt. but with God, i thought it would be different. but it was the same. i couldn’t give my all - just like with people, i could entrust my thoughts, but not my heart - not completely at least. so, that’s why comprehending love is the title of my personal blog. because my entire life, i think i will be questioning, thinking, and rethinking what love is. and God is love. ultimately, that question is me asking who God is. love is supernatural, it has so many powers, yet, it also comes in very shallow forms as well. the world makes love somewhat shallow. it the same way, God is supernatural. he is omnipotent, and all-knowing, he is almighty, yet he came to this earth and was belittled and mocked. the more i understand and question love, the more i fall into love with the concept. and the same is with God. since that friday night, i’ve come really far. loving has been easier, not just with kids but with adults too. loving myself, and loving God as well. it kinda came hand in hand for me. but as it is with God, and as it is with love, i will never comprehend everything i guess.. but that’s the beauty of it all. through my family, i will learn more. through a boyfriend, i will learn. through marriage, i will learn. through having kids of my own, i will learn. and then, through losing all those things, i will learn again - what love is. who God is.

so that’s what my blog will be about. please excuse grammar and “not-so-eloquent speech” stay tuned!