Hope / Adara / J - NB (she/it pronoun sets, typically the former), lesbian, poly. 31. Chicago ish. I staff conventions and blog about stuff, and I do recordings (and voices) that can be found under the tag "Hideyori reads stuff."
I’M THE MARIO eat your arms and then again GO ON GOGON GOGA DO THE MARIO I am god and then you know COME ON IT’S TIME TO GO EAT THE DARIO doodle-oo doot doo d-d *vinny vomiting in his mouth* J-JUST LIKE THAT
I love Alan Moore because every year he retires and dishes out a cathartic bollocking, telling everyone to fuck off and that they can’t write their way out of a paper bag and that Creator’s Rights are still in the same shambles that fucked-over Jack Kirby, and that anyone who ever read a comic is going to shoot up a shopping centre, and then he storms out. The next day he comes in, unretired, with an 300-page outline (with footnotes) about, like, what if Lord Dunsany’s gods of Pegana were cute lesbian witches?
i remember being taught by my butch lesbian neighbor how to figure out if a button-down shirt fits properly, and her femme wife teaching me how to tie a tie. it was in my dining room that we used as a makeshift nursery for my sister. the walls were blood red, and the floors and ceiling were dark. the whole world felt like it was suffocating you in that room, much like life felt for me at the time. i was fifteen years old, and it had been seven months since my mother had last spoken to me. my father was drinking. i was failing my classes partially because my brain couldnt stop projecting old home movies onto the backs of my eyelids and i couldnt stay present and partially to see if anyone would notice. no one did. no one but my neighbors.
they invited us over for dinner. the butch always greeted us while the femme finished dinner and we took off our shoes and one would take our coats and the butch would clap her hand on my shoulder, and the femme would touch my elbow gently while she took out my chair. they fed us, we played board games, they talked openly about being gay. they held hands across the dining table, and twirled their wedding rings, neither seeming to notice they were doing it. watching them methodically work, hosting this beautiful dinner, moving together like two pieces of an intricate puzzle, like weaving together yarn and hemp, like gears, like one soul split evenly between two bodies–
i had never seen love like that. i had never met women like them. women who wore athletic sandals in november. women who wore sundresses with denim and cowboy boots and called her wife “sonnyboy,” whose wife was always quite put together, button-down buttoned to the top, tie straight (with the constant help of her wife), hair short & cropped to the scalp all the way round. women who both did the dishes.
i didn’t know love like that was an option. i had only been shown angry, volatile love. i didn’t know i could be a woman like that. or rather, i didn’t know i could be loved as that kind of a woman. i had been taught that women like that are lonely. they’re ugly. but i watched her. her crisp leather jacket, her darkwash, baggy jeans on summer days that she folded once over her brown boots with the yellow shoelaces. she wasn’t ugly. i watched her, and i bought brown boots.
drafted this listicle a minute ago but didn't post it because it was too long for its purported gag. posting now with a readmore though please enjoy
"Which Primarch Is The Eldest?", According to the Primarchs Themselves (Finally Answered!)
i. Lion El'Jonson: "Me."
iii. Fulgrim: "Well, Horus was found first."
iv. Perturabo: "None of us."
v. Jaghatai Khan: "None of us, I don't think."
vi. Leman Russ: (shrugs) "Not Lion."
vii. Rogal Dorn: "Technically, none of us. However, Horus was found first."
viii. Konrad Curze: (Just laughs in your face. Clearly you misunderstand the basic concept of a Primarch)
ix. Sanguinius: "Ah, well, Horus was found first..."
x. Ferrus Manus, ignoring i. Lion El'Jonson (behind him) (mad) on purpose: "None of us. Horus was found first, if that's what you mean."
xii. Angron: Says nothing, just kinda looks at you clearly debating whether your death is worth the effort.
xiii. Roboute Guilliman: "None of us, really, but Horus was found first. I believe the Lion claims to be the eldest, though?"
i. Lion El'Jonson, sneaking into the middle of the list, through gritted teeth: Thank you, Guilliman.
xii. Roboute Guilliman: Ah, uh, of course.
xiv. Mortarion: "We're all the same age. It depends on your definition of 'eldest'."
xv. Magnus the Red: "That's an interesting question! There's a different answer if we go by Terran date that we landed on our homeworlds, how old we look to be, what order we were found in, how old we looked to be when we were found, chronological time we've been alive and out of our capsules—"
xvi. Horus Lupercal, ignoring i. Lion El'Jonson (behind him) (at this point very mad) on purpose: "I was found first, if that's what you mean. :)"
xvii. Lorgar Aurelian: "Hmm... I don't think any of us are, but Horus was the one found first. Yet many of my brothers have been alive for different spans of time, and... (i. LION EL'JONSON briefly looks hopeful) It's not significant, really, but it's interesting..." (i. LION's face falls.)
xviii. Vulkan: "I don't think there's an 'eldest' primarch. Some of my brothers do feel older or younger than others, that much is true, but I don't think there's one I'd call the 'oldest' of them all. Well, maybe Horus? Since he was found first."
xix. Corvus Corax: "I concur. There's no clear answer, but Horus was found first."
xx. Alpharius Omegon: "Me."
i. Lion El'Jonson (taking the mic away from xx. ALPHARIUS OMEGON): "No you're not."
xx. Alpharius Omegon: "I was first found."
i. Lion El'Jonson: "You were last found!"
xiii. Roboute Guilliman, peacemaker: "Lion, could you please—"
i. Lion El'Jonson: "NO. I'm the First. I'm eldest."
xvi. Horus Lupercal: "But Lion—"
i. Lion El'Jonson: "Oh, no. Not you. If I'd been Warmaster—"
xv. Magnus the Red: (sighs.) "I'll ask Father who he made first. Will it help?"
i. Lion El'Jonson: "Yes, because then you'll see I'm right."
(there is silence for a minute as Magnus communes with the Emperor.)
i. Lion El'Jonson: "...Well?"
xv. Magnus the Red: "He says he doesn't remember."
i. Lion El'Jonson: "What?"
xv. Magnus the Red: "But he did say he made Perturabo last!"
iv. Perturabo: "What?"
xv. Magnus the Red, grinning: "So he is our youngest brother..."
iv. Perturabo: "What?"
xv. Magnus the Red, grinning evilly (while i. LION EL'JONSON has a crisis in the background): "It's okay, little brother. This explains why you're so short. >:3"
iv. Perturabo (while xx. ALPHARIUS OMEGON mocks i. LION EL'JONSON behind him): "I WAS TALLER THAN YOU UNTIL YOU USED BIOMANCY T ow ow ow ow ow STOP THAT!!"
xv. Magnus the Red, harshly ruffling iv. Perturabo's head-cables as if they were his hair: "Awww, shush, little brother! (iv. PERTURABO is loudly swearing) Littlest ittybittiest brother! (xv. MAGNUS trying very hard not to cackle-laugh) The smallest of them all!" (i. LION in the background has seized xx. ALPHARIUS by the throat)
I wish growing up I'd heard more about butch/masculine trans women.
I'm talking about something like wanting to be another girl's prince charming, or her knight in shining armor. You wouldn't think twice about hearing that from a cis butch lesbian, but it's not at all the relationship with gender you usually hear about trans women having.
A lot of my exploration of my gender identity was tied to my gender expression. Trying on makeup, "girl clothes," that sort of thing. And that felt good. But what was working about that for me was that it made me feel "more like a girl," and just being a girl was the thing I wanted. I didn't want any of the rest of it. I was always more comfortable bare-faced in a flannel or tank top than I was in makeup and a dress, but I was never comfortable being a man. It just took me years of exploration and time with people who were not only accepting but supportive to get to the point where I could identify that feeling. I want a female body, but I want to dress it in a suit. Sue me.
If you're that little trans girl reading this and it doesn't make sense to you yet, that's okay. I wouldn't have understood it at the time either - I would've said "well if it's not about my body and it's not about my gender expression, then what is my gender?" If you're asking that question, I think some day you'll find the answer.
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