hey, i'm connor. i use he/him pronouns. i'm part of the pinks system, a newly rediscovered disordered traumagenic system. i'm ageless, but the body is 20. i've been around the system since we were a kid, i think.
you can learn more about us here. that is also where follows will come from, and there's somewhat of a dni on there.
i'm a fictive of connor murphy from dear evan hansen. the book and the musical if it matters, but i'm what, 8 years into being here? so source doesn't matter to me that much anymore as a whole anymore, i guess. don't be weird about it.
this blog is for my interests and thoughts and shit.
i really do try, but to be honest, i'm not really great about putting accurate trigger warnings on stuff, so... don't rely on me too hard for that, i guess. if i do tag something, it'll be like this: "#tw (trigger)" such as "#tw drugs".
answering as an 18+ system with permission from my in-sys partner:
i voted nuance, nothing else really felt accurate, but i'll explain!
we definitely use the body, i wouldn't say that we can "feel" what's happening in headspace when we interact sexually.
usually, personally, my in-sys partner somehow(?) notices when i'm masturbating, and comes close to front (or fully co-con) to either watch or talk to me or somewhat get involved in headspace, but i can still only "feel" what i'm doing externally.
idk if it's a positive trigger for him or if he just pays more attention to me at baseline than i assume he does, but if he wants to be involved, he'll make himself known. if he doesn't want to/can't be involved, he won't make himself known and i just jerk one out in the body alone, no harm done.
i initiate most of the time this way. i'm a host so i'm fronting all the time, and he rarely fronts without a reason to (and rarely without me because i just wanna be near him lol). we co-con a lot both normally and during sexual interactions, and sometimes we get blendy or switchy during these interactions. but ultimately the point is to be close to each other so sometimes the blendiness feels "good" in a way? idk how to describe it!
my partner initiates sometimes, but it's more like... passive influence or just asking internally if i'm in the mood for it, not so much just jumping in like i do. my ability to randomly contact him without a trigger bringing him close to front isn't as good as his ability to contact me randomly, so sometimes asking internally doesn't work on my end, but it usually works for him!
when co-con, sometimes he can take over the conscious effort for movements i'm doing as if he's doing them, which we've enjoyed. at that point, it almost feels like someone else (aka my partner) "interacting" with me, but i'd say that's the closest we get to "feeling".
we don't have a very vivid or developed inner world, so i'm not sure if this not feeling thing is just how our in-sys interactions work or something that would change if we had a more developed headspace, but this is how it is for us!
i find it funny how system tumblr expects you to have a stated stance on every single discourse subject as if did/osdd isn't literally disorder that causes your opinions and feelings to change...
i actually do think it's kinda funny that the headmate i'm "interested in" so-to-speak is a fictive from a completely different and separate universe to me, and yet...
People don’t understand how much of my life was shaped by expecting to die. I spent years not caring about anything because I didn’t think I’d be here. Now I’m behind on everything people my age figured out years ago. It’s hard to explain how exhausting it is to rebuild a life you never planned to keep.
