Expanding, exploring, experiencing

a student of the Neo Shamanic Temple of Higher Awareness

[consciousnessfirst]

Oh dang!!

Remember when you had a hang over in your 20s and then said to yourself, man I'm never going to do that shit again and then a few days later finding yourself, there hugging the toilet bowl, throwing up...

I remembered I used to throw up so much that the yellow liquid came out from an empty stomach because I was so sick, and that happened quite a few times....

WHY DID I DO THAT SHIT!!?!?

I mean my life has significantly improved compare to what I had in the past, I am more conscious, I have more peace of mind,

learning and realizing that some of the voices in my head is not actually mine... like usually 99% of them.

those voices sometimes happened just because they want to slow down my progress and disrupt the well-being.

I have a privilege to acquire amazing life changing knowledge and tools from the best source, and then again few days ago I chose to screw up....

Why do I have to wait for shit to hit the fan real hard before deciding that this crappy habit needs to stop...

Before, I was so used to binging stuff like food, popular media, etc.

but now that I have become more sensitive, I can't bare some of the stuff that I used to be okay with. I get allergic quite badly and the consequences are not so ideal.

before, piles of shit would sit in my energy and I would feel fine with it because I didn't know any better. By fine, meaning that I was SO USED TO the PAIN and SUFFERING, usual cramps, aches were part of my life that I had no idea that I ever could get rid off.

Now that they are gone but because I chose to binge watch friggin shows, and that had affected the energy quite badly... like really badly that it caused a misfortune and the mind not to function.

DAMN. that wasn't cool.

Now I have to contain the shitty feeling that I screw up and don't want to exist anymore... because that's not helping with anything. Hopefully I can try to be better from now on.

Trying to find my balance again.......

the thing is part of me still want to watch the friggin show and know how it ends, but I seriously needs to LEARN HOW TO PRESS THAT PAUSE BUTTON. and another part of me want to avoid it completely.

This reminds me of the childhood event when I enjoyed eating this cheddar puff so much that I would finished a can by myself. and it's not a small can, and then I opened another can and continue to eat.. my fingers were covered in fake cheddar that they claimed thats real, but come on that orange color, how many percent real ingredient, 1? even if the whole thing is made with real cheddar, it's still TOXIC... and consuming SO MUCH of it like that.... YIKES YIKES YIKES!!!!

basically I let myself become a MONSTER,

and thought that kind of behavior is ok.

in fact, IT IS NOT OKAY AT ALL, AND I HAVE TO FIGHT IT.

those shows probably = cheddar puffs

and why would I even want anything to do with it.... :(

[consciousnessfirst]

if you look at the social media long enough,

you would feel like you need to glam yourself up,

do something fancy or creative... and then show the world some cool visual #comparison #sucks

[consciousnessfirst]

[consciousnessfirst]

Reflection

I was observing some colorful characters on social media, they are from the social group that I was in, however I found them rather more interesting than most of those brunch, as they tend to be like somewhat creative people. However with the background that we grew up in, there’s a certain way that obviously looked like that one might be in a bubble, disconnected from the reality of what the rest of the world is like...

Like they are promoting their not so common lifestyle and some luxury brands on social media, I laughed because I had a master degree in that shit(the degrees are such waste of money and time!), I studied who’s the consumers group for the products and basically it’s about selling dreams that’s totally unnecessary and might not be healthy for anyone.

People usually look up to those shit, thinking that they wannabe someone important, if I get rich all my problems will go away. Rich people are usually miserable too, but they hide it better behind those bling.

It’s funny that they let the few percent control the rest.. also selling fantasy to people. Like who doesn’t get old, why fight it so much.

The thing is, I have to admit that I was consumed by what I saw online.

For the past two years, I believe I was using minimal skincare products and recently changed to minimal clothing. Few days ago after browsing online without containing well, I followed the devil’s voice and purchased some items from a mainstream fashion website, it arrived quickly and when I opened the bag, it smelled like chemical, and the stuff wasn’t cheap too, I kept like two items and after the wash, it wasn’t easy to maintain too, so I was like what the heck did I do. The money wasted wasn’t cool, but what’s worse is the energy wasted!!!

I also let the beauty and aging programs picked up from people on social media got me, I picked skin care products that seemed somewhat natural and the price makes sense (I used to spend so sooo much more on these products). When I put the cream on my face, also sunscreen, i don’t usually look in the mirror these days but I did then and I didn’t like the sunscreen shiny look that I saw, and I was like aha that’s where make up could come in.... it’s like chain effect.

At night my face has some spots.. so I might have to toss those products or use them for the body.

The loop of looking in the mirror everyday isn’t healthy. I am glad that I left, but why did I tried to go back??

I’m a living experiment that one can survive by just using the coconut oil, those skin care products is yet another mind game, it fixed the issue temporarily. The whole lifestyle change would be more effective, glowing from within, taking care of the body with fresh wholesome food, rest and balanced mindset would be more ideal really.

To be honest, I am still learning about life.. always.

Sometimes it’s hard to understand what’s it like for others when you grew up in the affluent, more delusional society which is like one percent of the population. Like I don’t care if people are suffering, or I do pretend to care a bit but would rather spend on self indulgent stuff, truffle, sushi, champagne and caviar?!?

The priorities were different as we had so much to spare. And usually we spend it on useless shit, as the programs said that one has to look and be a certain way. Like I used to struggle with the weight issue, and the self presentation as I like being in relaxed whatever clothing, but people that was around me then will make a comment about how I should do surgery, be in better clothing and make up etc.

Why do people think it’s ok to throw garbage on each other like that. Iike commenting on appearances etc.

I ended up consuming many beauty and fitness courses, make ups, clothing and random shit that usually left untouched, but I had to purchase to fill some holes that I had inside.

Fortunately, things got better with the new awareness I have gained in the past years,

and I have moved to the new ambience .... you can’t rise from the shit if you are still standing in the shit ha.

It’s refreshing not being surrounded by that kind of group mindset.

Not to rely on materials to feel worthy ( this I still have to work on, I might still have the shopping addiction issue but I changed the category from fashion etc. to gardening)

Anyway now I get to enjoy more of my own space, and trying to better myself everyday, shredding from all those toxic programming.

[consciousnessfirst]

DRINK MORE WATER

[consciousnessfirst]

A hypochondriac is someone who lives with the fear that they have a serious, but undiagnosed medical condition, even though diagnostic tests show there is nothing wrong with them. Hypochondriacs experience extreme anxiety from the bodily responses most people take for granted.

[consciousnessfirst]

[consciousnessfirst]

X coconut condensed milk and chaing mai’s strawberries.

I was quite excited when first came across this pumpkin brownies recipe, didn’t know that the pumpkin would add this soft fudgy texture to the brownies. It has been one of the favorite alternative baking recipes in the kitchen.

I like to cook them in one pot these days, as I’m using 100% pieces of dark chocolate so I would want to melt them in low heat with coconut sugar & the pumpkin purée (I steamed them, but boiling them should be fine too). then add some cacao powder and nut butter (sometimes almond, sometimes macadamia, I tried PB too but prefer to use the first two). Added one egg, mix everything together with the spatula and transfer into baking mold. Feel free to add extra nuts. (I personally like pecan and almond slices)

I think the baking time can be adjusted according to ones preference. I baked mine at 180c for 25 mins then wait for it to cool, store in air right container in the fridge. They said it’s Best tasting after the fridge storage, but hey I tried some after it’s out from the oven too and I think both versions are great!

[consciousnessfirst]

Went out today for quite a while..

and now there are lots of external stuff sitting in my energy.

So much temptations .. ( coming from the system )

Trying to pull me back to that isn’t me anymore.. or what I am trying to leave behind.

(Maybe the overly nice strangers I encountered today, was meant to try to persuade me into living the zombies life that I had.. even though now I am on a different journey trying to protect my energy, so that I can have a more interesting expression that isn’t led by the system.... but sometimes, like earlier today I got back to being too open, it’s not even funny!!!! Still need to learn how to master that calm attitude and a poker face,

For a moment I was tempted to re-live the zombie life, traveling around to exotic places living in an illusion that I was spiritually awaken, taking cool photos of myself pretending to be one with nature, eating out at vegan places or something, being a social person seeing the world through the lens of love, (few days ago I was swearing that I will never, ever wanna go back to be that person again... however today I was reconsidering for a moment... hmmmm)

I had to sit with myself and let some logical thinking 💭 flowing through, there was quite a bit to process..

Density in my head was speaking loudly, like an immature kid, screaming something like I want that toys, why can’t I have that toy! (In this case, the toys are representing that illusion of a good life that I thought I had).

I have learnt that if I’m gonna be out for long, I will have to deal with the consequences like today, or even worse, as every moment is different, and I’ll never know what I’m going to run into.

Saw some interesting sights today that helped put some jigsaw pieces together, there were lots of policemen around in a certain street this afternoon, it was unusual, then i spotted about 20-30 school kids with the teachers standing on the side street holding yellow and blue flags, that’s meant to be greeting some royal family member, when their car passed by. Then I realized why there has to be schools... so they could recruit kids to do stuff like that.. also into other programs. Like how I got some vaccine injected at school when I was young because it’s mandatory. If anyone refuse to do so, imagine the pressure!?! Cattle’s situation much?

Another interesting finding, that happened yesterday was that when me and miss J took a walk around the neighborhood, we stopped to buy a package of coconut sugar from a local store. Then two minutes after that I started talking about how it’s interesting for a consciousness to have a gay expression, as when I was seeing a school bus drove by, it reminded me of this moment I was commenting on this little boy in a village in chaing Rai that I saw years ago, was totally gay (it wasn’t cool to be commenting on people, but yup that was who I was, always in other people’s business) the vibes of our neighborhood this afternoon reminded me of that moment I told miss J. Then she replied you know I had a similar thought based on the same key word “gay”, I was thinking if the lady at the shop thought that we were a couple?!?! I was like wow, ok so we picked up the same key word in the air, but we interpreted it differently.

That was mind blowing because if that thought is in someone’s mind and we both picked it up. Even we interpreted it differently but how amazing when something that cannot be seen can be transferred to other person.... well at this point, I should know it by now that can happen. But still, wow.

So imagine the stuff that can actually be heard or seen, like music. Movies etc. that’s how the cork screwing work. Putting something on repeat so it can be transferred to peoples minds. Now the Xmas program is being heavily promoted, Urghhh. (I guess the music and movies method is easier than hiring people to do telepathy lol, and plus most people might be blocked so they can’t receive). Anyway isn’t that wild?!!

[consciousnessfirst]

[consciousnessfirst]

[consciousnessfirst]

Somewhat a clean slate

I accidently deleted a blog that has documented some stories since I started to practice the Neo Shamanic movement lifestyle, I thought those stories were kind of cool to keep. Anyway, I release the past and embracing the future, can start here with a clean slate.

Still struggling of what am I supposed to do with life, but it is ok, I am learning to be better everyday.

[consciousnessfirst]