The Thoughts

I believe that Angel and Demon are siblings. But Angel is much luckier than his brother.

[constitueniken]

Forgiveness

She sighed deeply when she walked out from that car. A lot of things were going on in her head, as usual. Screaming a voiceless scream, whispering ideas without making any noise. That is what her brain does to her, most of the time. . "Ready, ma'am? But please don't be long. We have other place to go to," a man touched her hands in somehow sympathetic way but also assertive. . "Don't worry. It's not allowed to lock the door. If I do forget the time since I'm not wearing any timepiece, you are more than welcome to come in and get me out," she nodded, smiling. . "Very well," that man returned the smile. . A few minutes later, she got into a room and stared at a peaceful face of a man in total silence. There was nothing around them, not even a sound of a ticking watch that can sometimes turn her mind insane. . "I know how you hate it when I say I am sorry," she inhaled deeply before those words finally came out of her mouth. "But this one last time, I really need to say that. I am sorry, my love." . The man whom she called as her love, did not answer. . "I told you that you should go. I told you that you should run for your life and find your own happiness," she caressed the man's hair with her right hand. . The strands of his hair fell perfectly between her fingers, creating a small dark blond wave around her hand. She bowed down and touched her nose to his hair, smelling the familiar scent that she has been very accustomed to for the last few years of her life. . "You are a beautiful person, my love. Beautiful inside out, with a very pretty smile that always makes myself drowned in it. Your arms is the only place I would find myself content, your words are the cure to my raging storm." . The man kept his silence, his smile was as perfect as the last time she remembered. . "I wish I could stay with you until all these storms passed. But apparently I need to let you go, and I need to leave you forever." . She bowed down once again and kissed his forehead, then his lips. . "Ma'am? I'm sorry but your time is up. We need to leave now," said the man who touched her hands when she got out of that car a while ago. . "It's alright, Officer. It's just about time," she nodded. . "You're lucky that you're allowed to get inside and saw him for one last time, considering all the allegations filed upon you," said the officer. . "Oh, those are not allegations, Officer. Those are true, indeed. Those are the things I needed to do to ensure that he found happiness. It is always better to end a living hell, rather than surviving for vain hopes and dreams," she smiled, walking side by side with the officer to the car she got out. It was a police car that parted the driver and the passenger seat with glasses and solid wires. . "You really believe he found happiness, Ma'am?" the officer asked her in a sarcastic tone. "You took your husband's life with your own hands by suffocating him in preservative liquid, and you removed all of his internal organs and sewed his mouth shut." . "Did I? I thought I just put him to sleep. He did cry when I said sorry," she smiled, bowed her head, and got into the police car. . The officer could not hide the horrified expression on his face, but he shook his head and tried to get rid of it. He looked at the building he just walked in and realised that he dropped his handcuffs key inside when he came in to get her out. . After muttering to his colleague who sat on the driver seat that he needed to get his handcuffs key, he walked inside that building and into the room where the corpse of the woman’s husband was laid. He bent down with one of his knees, picked up the key on the floor, and stuffed it inside his pocket. When he got up and stood still, he looked at that man's face, laying down coldly on that metal table. . There were tears running down his cheeks. . The officer left that morgue without saying a word, got into the car, his heart pounding really fast. . "I think he forgave me, Officer. Even in death I think he still loves me just the same." . They drove away from that morgue to the state penitentiary, where she will spend the rest of her life for what she had done. . The officer quit the force that day and kept what he saw to himself.

[constitueniken]

Rationale of Love

I guess everyone have a dream about the perfect love. That kind of love that makes you extremely happy and jumpy. That kind of love that makes you become thirsty of this person. That kind of love that makes the universe become yours and your significant others alone, and all the other people are just cameos in your own theatrical world. . But what is love? Should we rationalise it with our mind? Should we just leave it like that? Should we just go on with it and see what happens? . Quoting Steven Russell the notorious Texas conman, 'love sure is a funny thing'. Well, it is, probably, for most people. It can turn your world upside down, it can make you do the craziest things you never thought you will be able to do. It makes you become another version of yourself. . Then if love is peaceful and comfortable, would it still be love? Is it possible to just have a normal life with calm intention, to co-exist with someone you care without feeling all romantic every time you see this person? Is it not love, then, you think? . I don't know. I have written hundreds of writings in regards to love and how much I hate it because I thought it does not exist, so I might not be a good source to render any comment about it. I am just a bitter human being with hateful past and probably unaffectionate future. Did I experience the jumpy love? Yes, I did. Did I experience the crazy ass love that makes me do crazy ass stuff? I surely did. And did I experience just a serene love that makes me comfortable in my own skin? Yes, I did, and it's awful because I couldn't find the 'love adrenaline', I couldn't feel the extreme feelings that throw me to the ceiling. . Well, I don't know, really. Sometimes I still ask myself if true love does exist, or whether it is just a fairy tale people keep making to make the world seems like a brighter place. Or whether I will spend my life with someone I truly love. Do you really want to know what I think? I don't think I will. I don't think I will ever experience that thing because I'm just too complicated to start with. Bad traits from my past which I hardly can cover, let alone erase. . I have accepted this since a long time ago, when I was young and had no knowledge about how destructive love could be, how full of horror, how menacing and terrifying, yet how full of addiction and deep ecstasy it is. . But it's okay. I won't die because of it. Death came many time to invite me to his place but I respectfully refused every time he asked it. It's okay. Being loveless will not make me completely vain. I can still continue living and making myself some use to the world before my time is up. . However, I might be wrong. . I can't see the future, and I just want to live today, in the present.

.

[constitueniken]

The Darker Sky

People said that the sun gives us what we need The light, the heat, the vitamin The power to continue on living, breathing Everything that makes us alive

I guess the sun does not like me very much Although it is still faint, I can feel that it has driven away from me Leaving trails of light, but not the heat Not even the clear light that I used to see

It is very funny that people around me do not feel the same They keep saying that the sun still gives us what we need Strangely, I am starting to shiver as the light begins to dim What I feel now is nothing but cold

Those people, they told me that my mind is playing tricks on me That the only thing blocking the sun is just me That it is only what I think That it is only in my head, nothing else

Am I blind? Have I become senseless? Or is it the sun who hates me that much? At this point, I know none of those things are true The sun is still shining, and I can still feel things

But I guess it is not easy to explain That although all of us live in the same planet, I live in a different world A world where the sun is drifting away And all of its light and heat are slightly fainting

What I can see now is something dissimilar Something that I wish I never descent upon me A new sky, a grey sky without clouds The darker sky, the sky that have rose to swallow all of my hope and dreams Into a darker place no one ever seen

[constitueniken]

That Dead Woman

"Do you know that she's dead already?" the man with a black long coat pointed at the woman who sat by herself on one of the bench in that train station. "Is she?" replied the other man in a grey suit. "She is, indeed. No one was able to help her when she was alive, you know," the black-coated man shook his head. "How poor! Did people hate her?" the grey suited man put his hands on his cheeks in awe. "No, Sir, they didn't. Some people actually liked her that much. Some people wanted to pull her out from her misery. But by the love of the Lord, she was so deep in her troubles that it was useless to take her out of them," the black-coated man sighed wearily. "Oh, Dear! What kind of troubles were she was in, then?" the grey-suited man squinted his eyes, looking at her. "She was in a constant battle fighting herself. But the other part of her won and she killed her," answered the black-coated man. "How awful! But why was she fighting herself? What was the matter?" asked the grey-suited man again. "She was a unique person. She was different. But she was consumed by her pride and by what society told her to be. It was not easy to fignt the whole world with only few people on her side. In the end, she surrendered to the only thing she knew the best: death," the black-coated man explained. A brief silence crept on them. The grey-suited man stared on the black-coated man's eyes in despair, and asked, "this is not one of your trick, isn't it, old friend?" "It's her choice. Not mine," the black-coated man hissed, feeling upset. "But you dragged her to that choice!" the grey-suited man screamed in horror. "Because you didn't help her!" the black-coated man stepped back, his face was full of rage and pain. "I tried," the grey-suited man inhaled, his face turned white, he was exhausted. "I know you did. But she was beyond help," the black-coated man walked towards him and grabbed his shoulder, squeezed it softly. "Are you going to take her now?" the grey-suited man cleared his throat, trying to regain a control upon himself. "I am, yes," said the black-coated man.

They both stared at her in feelings they did not comprehend. They felt sadness but relief. They sensed soothing anger that somehow invited happiness in their souls. To their surprise, they saw the woman rose up from her seat and walked slowly towards them.

"I am ready, Sirs. Perhaps we should not waste more time. I know my train is arriving, and I shall go to a better place," she smiled.

The grey-suited man cried in such a dreadful way, a sting of disappointment was ransacking his heart.

Seeing the grey-suited man crying, the woman walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around him and hugged him dearly. She tipped toe and whispered in his ears: "I forgive you, Life. I am glad I had you, but we cannot be together anymore. My time is up and there is nothing you can do. Thank you for teaching me everything."

She released her hug and walked to the black-coated man, held his hand and looked at his eyes, "now, Death, take me to where I belong until the end of time."

The black-coated man smiled to the grey-suited man, and waved. The train was arriving and its doors were opened. They both got inside it, and disappeared to eternity.

[constitueniken]

One Kiss

Do you know that one kiss can change one's life? . It is true, despite how people condemn such thing and think that it is utterly ridiculous. One kiss can lead to one enchanted evening, to one unforgattable night, to one extraordinary experience. . It can change anyone's life, albeit how many times one has kissed different people in one's life. Just like it transforms Hannah's life, although she is a prostitute. Or like it alters Benjamin's life, albeit the fact that he is a young nerd man, who only laid with less than two women in his life. . After that one kiss Hannah and Benjamin had one evening, they did not know what to do with it. Part of Hannah wanted to stop being a prostitute, part of her still wanted to go for the dark nights, jumping from one arms to another, from the warmth of one's bed to another, from one amusing intercourse to another. . Benjamin felt disgusted about it, but he wanted to see more of Hannah, trying his best not to think about what Hannah does for her living, about how many nights she has spent with different men, about how loathsome she must be, inside out. . Benjamin did not pay to kiss Hannah, neither did Hannah expect to be paid to have that magical moment--ten seconds of plain joy, lips caressing each other, mouth wide open, gripping tongues, profound breathing, hearts beating tremendously. . That look on Hannah's face when she tilted her head and released her lips from Benjamin's, the look that she never thought she would have. That dim light in Benjamin's eyes, when he realised how much he wanted to stay inside Hannah's mouth, and how much he despised it at the same time. . Hannah and Benjamin never talked about it, really. They remember everything crystal clear how that kiss made them feel, and still makes them feel, like everything should not end. Or probably the world should just end right there, so they would not have this confusing feelings inside their heart. Probably they should just disappear like human's ashes blown in the wind, carrying a message from the dead to the world of living--a message that cannot be deciphered, a message that could only be heard by the empty souls who wander the world with uncertainty and dissatisfaction. . It was one kiss in that barren bar, full of cheap beers and smeltering gallons of ale. It was the most sober kiss Hannah ever had in her life, but the drunkest Benjamin ever experienced. Hannah was waiting for her customer, whilst Ben was feeling desperate about his study and tried to seek for some comfort in alcohol. . It was one kiss under the bleak light, the kind of light where people wear masks to cover their true emotions underneath, where people pretend to be someone else because they are shattered and hollow inside. . Nevertheless, that kiss was ethereal for both Hannah and Benjamin. . A few months from that night, Hannah decided to stop selling her heart and her body to men. She wanted to cherish the kiss as one of the most treasured moment in her life. She then took her toddler son with her and moved to another city, pursuing her long-buried passion as a dancer. She started to perform in night clubs, but quickly rose as a great one, and now, she is a main cast of a well-known broadway production in that city. . A week from that night, Benjamin's life fell apart. He took that kiss in a hard way, a fact that he laid his lips on a prostitute's, and it made him suffocated in filth and guilt. He got frustrated with his study and ended up being fired by his senior lecturer. His research was failing, and he lost the trust he once had from his colleagues in the university he was teaching. He gathered everything he had left on him, and he moved back to his grandmother's house, the only one family member he knows in his entire life. He is now working at his grandmother's farm, herding the cattle, staring at the stars in the night, and wondering why he got himself in that abyss of shame and pain. . Hannah and Benjamin never see each other again. . That one kiss remains as the thing they keep in their memories--a thing, whether they admit it or not, that change their life. . A thing, that certain thing, that one kiss.

[constitueniken]

A Conversation between The Girl and Hatred

She sat there in the silence, unable to hear anything else, but her own heart beat, and the sound of the crickets, and the waves, and the side of the boats, clasping to the port. In fact, it was obviously not a total silence. Sometimes we do not have to associate silence with something voiceless. Sometimes silence has something to do with human beings and what they do. Sometimes, we can just say that what make the noises in our life is actually them, the people. In that silence, the woman stared deeply to the ocean, far away in front of her. She looked at the horizon, the reflection of the moon on the water, the twinkling stars. The stars even looked like they were competing with each other, which one of them shine the brightest. "Why are you alone, now? I thought you are no longer fond of loneliness," a deep, low, and wise voice suddenly emerged from nowhere. "Well, hello. It has been a long time, has it not? I still love the silence, but not necessarily the loneliness," she answered, smiling. "Apologise, My Darling. But I am afraid I failed to differentiate between silence and loneliness," he replied. "Do you think it is impossible for two people to sit together without having a conversation? Obviously, neither of them are lonely, but then there is silence," she explained, and turned her gaze from the ocean to him. "I think that is quite possible, to be honest with you," he nodded. "Now I fail to understand why you failed to understand that," she smiled and looked at him with her shady eyes. "You have changed, My Dear. You seem like you are a different person," he sighed heavily. "I must say I do not follow you. What does it have to do with anything?" she asked. "I used to be able to think like you. It was so easy for me to get into you, and to know what you are up to," he looked deeply at her eyes, as if he was trying to find some answer, or at the least, settlement of what he thought is a problem. "You are afraid of change, are you not?" she asked politely. "Only if it is you who are changing," he answered. "Even though it is for my betterment?" she asked again. "How do you know that you are getting better?" he demanded. "I feel better," she replied really short. "I cannot deny that fact. You indeed look happier. More peaceful. More balanced," he commented. "Then are you saying that you want me to feel worse?" now she demanded. "No. I just want you to be the you whom I used to know," he muttered. "Even though if that condition makes me feel like I am in agony?" she raised her eyebrows. "You are exaggerating. You were not in agony, Love," he shook his head. "For someone who claimed that he used to know the way I think, I suppose you know very little about me," she sighed, but smiled after. "I believe you just never showed that side of yours before," he stood, and approached her, then knelt in front of her. "That does not mean I never have it," she caressed his hair. "I suppose you are right," he took her hand, and kissed it. "Then I think you can survive now by yourself. It seems to me that you no longer need me," he put her hand on his cheek, an attempt to bid her goodbye. He stood up and put her hand back on her lap. "You are wrong. I still need you," she held his hand, looked up, and stared at him. "What for?" "It does not mean that my life will always be like this. It does not mean that I already had my ultimate happiness. It does not mean that my enemies are dead. It does not mean that I can go through everything without you." "You have no enemies left. Your biggest enemy is yourself, and now you have met your peace with it." "That is true. But there is always another enemy, and it will become stronger." "And who is that enemy, if you do not mind me asking?" "It is your comerade, Trust." He stood silence for a few seconds, turned his back, and smiled at her. "This is the first time you ask me to stay." "It is because now I can see things clearly." "Thank you, Darling. Then I shall stay. I will not be with you all the time, but you know how to find me." "Can you send my regards to Love and Respect?" "I will carry them myself to Respect. And for Love, you can tell about it to him yourself. He is here now." "Where? I do not see him," she tried to look around only to find nothing. "It is because he is a part of you know. He has found a place in you and he is staying with you. You can talk to him all the time now without being hurt. There is no reason to fear him anymore," he stood up, bowed down, and kissed her on her forehead. "How do I talk to him? I used to despise him. Do you think he would want to answer me?" "I think he would. You can talk to yourself as you usually do. As we both know, the demon has gone, for now it is him who will answer all of your questions." "Thank you, Hatred." He replied with a nod and a smile, then he disappeared voicelessly, just like the way he appeared. She sat there in the silence, unable to hear anything else, but her own heart beat, and the sound of the crickets, and the waves, and the side of the boats, clasping to the port. And, although usually it does not make any noise--the sound of peace. (NA, Bunaken, 3 September 2017)

[constitueniken]

The Loveliest: Him and Peacefulness

It starts with words, with curiosity, with outlandishness. Everything begins like an abstract painting, or more like an absurd plot--but an exquisite one. I still remember the first thing he asked me, a such peculiar inquiry that I replied in the most festive way. Then, after a while, we got ourselves in pleasant conversations. Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months--we keep telling things about the stories of our lives without hesitation. We certainly did not expect that what we said to each other will rise this blissfulness in our hearts.

From the first time my eyes met his, I recognised the feeling I am experiencing in my soul: it is pure happiness. People say you can only feel it when nothing comes to your mind to distract it. People say it is the vividest emotion possible in the world, the most pristine thing that you will ever have in your life. I first thought he only provides me that, but then I realised that he gives me something more: he gives me peace, the purest and sheerest thing in the whole universe.

It took me quite a while to understand what makes me feel so joyful, so glad, so in tranquility, when I am spending days and nights with him. It took me some time to gaze deeper upon his eyes, to adore his smiles, to listen carefully to his laughter. It took me a lot of moments to relish his kisses, to feel the warmth of his hugs, to wallow his feelings. After all of those things, I am able to perceive the fact that has been swimming subconsciously in the back of my head: we love each other, and that love leads me to peacefulness.

It just happened in the most cherish way I could ever imagine. He just happened to be the greatest man I have ever met in my life. The universe just happened to conspire to support this connection that I have with him, in the merriest way. Maybe it is the way he looks at me when I laugh. Perhaps it is how he listens to me whenever I weep about my wretched past. Probably it is his respect towards the decisions I took in my life which made me who I am now.

I shall memorise all the things that happened between I and him. I shall keep them in my thoughts, in my mind, and in my soul. I shall take all the tears and laughter shed in front of our faces as my valued treasure, because he is indeed, very precious, and so are all the things that remind me of him. I shall remember all the lascivious nights I spent with him--and of course, hopefully--I will be spending until my heart stops beating in my chest. The way he touches me, the way he whispers in my ears, the way he traces my skin with his fingertips, the way he clenches my hip, the way he grips my hair in instant amorous rage, the way he stares at me in a combination of lust and love, the way he kisses my lips pruriently, the way he dissolves his body and feelings inside me--all of these things give me the utter pleasure that it makes me quiver in celestial contentment.

I wish I can give him a good night kiss everytime before I go to bed and inhale his morning breath every day--does not matter how repulsive it might be. I plan to be able to sniff his armpits when I feel like I want to do it, without even really care if he just come back extremely sweaty from his evening run in the surrounding neighbourhood. And of course, I do hope I can grow old with him, watching his wrinkles appear on his face day after day yet keep thinking that he is still the most gorgeous man in the world.

Oh, dear Lord, sometimes I cry a bit at nights because I merely have no other resort to express this beautiful felicity. Sometimes I still cannot believe that this thing is happening to me, all these ravishing emotions and feelings. I am glad I have this time in my life to love him so dearly and so peaceful. I thank The Almighty because of this blessing, the thing that I once thought will never happened in my life.

He is just the loveliest, the one who can make me feel peaceful, the one whom I love most dearly.

I wish my love for him shall never cease, and neither shall his, for me.

[constitueniken]

This Life, Those Men, These Loves (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2

Those Men

ALPHA

I remember that I met Alpha around summer He was wearing plaid dark blue shirt He is such a brainstormer And he does know how to flirt

He refused to drink draft beer When we met in that fancy bar He said he likes the way I live up my career That is what interests him so far

He does not have the prettiest face But he has this courage that I never found before That is the thing I desire to embrace And why I want to see him more

He said he could make a new theory About why I and him are such a good pair He said it is not a sorcery Whilst his hand brushing my hair

I could see the mystery he hides behind his soul Things that he does not want me to know But I believe it is not a foul It is just something under the snow

Something that will appear After the spring comes and all the white lumps melt Until then he will hold me dear Until he tell things to me without being misspelt

It is such a bizzare thing that most of the times I think I know him Though in fact I probably do not recognise his way of thinking One at the time, he could be so grim Other time, he looked so happy and all his sadness was sinking

I found that I have fallen in love with Alpha And it tastes utterly sweet I want to spend my nights with him sitting on a sofa Conversing about the universe and remembering the time we were clasping our feet

I love Alpha more than he probably knows A fact which I decided to keep deep down inside my heart I admit I write my feelings toward him in so many rows But those words lay down peacefully in my mind and they will never be apart

I wish Alpha a very good life Even though I cannot be a part of it I have no intention whatsoever to strive Because we both know I will not fit

I cherish every moment I spend with him And Alpha shall not perish from my memories I shall no longer be grim For Alpha has coloured my life with his vagaries

BRAVO

It was winter, when the first time I saw his beautiful hazel eyes Bravo looked at me and he said he loves me suit I was wearing clothes that represent the colour of sunrise From that moment on, I know he owns a place in my heart, and there is nothing to moot

Sometimes I smiled when I remember what happened between Bravo and me He is a kid inside, with the most wittiest jokes Our story reached its acme After we spent the second winter with his folks

He is the craziest thing I have ever had The wildest love and passion For that I am always glad For that I learn how to have sympathy and compassion

I spent my times tending to Bravo at his weakest points And so did he, when I reached the chasm of my despair But we also almost broke each other's joints When we fought too hard because we were being so unfair

What I had with Bravo is an exceptional love It is so irresistible and poisonous It is murderous but smells so good, like a cigarette with clove It is utterly romantic yet precarious

I endured a lot of pain when he was by my side My sick mind, for some reason, fall for it I did not manage to open my logic and my eyes wide My flaming desire and uncontrollabe lust are really hard to defeat

It does not matter how many times we hurt each other When the shit hit the fan, we came back together No one in this Earth can bother No one can bother us, even though we have been through one pain after another

Bravo used to be my favourite thing to watch I could spend hours just staring at his eyes I would gaze upon his crotch I thought I could do that until I meet my demise

Now Bravo is not here anymore For he has a better life, just like Alpha does My thought still lays on him whenever I am standing on a shore Nature brings back memories, reminding me of who I was

I know I will always miss Bravo very much Although I might not want to admit it I shall keep in mind how it feels to have Bravo's touch Lingers on me like it is not going to quit

CHARLIE

I am certain it was spring, when I met Charlie His laughter is the first thing that caught my attention That, and his wonderful blue eyes that look pretty gnarly Yet it drove me to vent my affection

Charlie is a very beautiful man With a beatiful mind My eyes always want to stare at his face as long as they can Because I know such beauty is difficult to find

It was a brief encounter, how I met Charlie Nevertheless, it left a deep feeling in my heart I was not going to take it too seriously But I believe remembering him and the way he treats me is an art

We used to laugh about his pretty accent Since he comes from a country that speaks the roughest language I used to drown my nose in his hair just to smell his scent I think his perfumed pheromones lies in his lineage

Charlie is somewhere else now, apparently He, Alpha, and Bravo are somewhere under the protection of Mother Earth Living their peaceful yet interesting life, most likely Smiling and laughing and crying and jumping and making love, to make their lives worth

The exact same thing that I will do too Living my life to the fullest Carrying memories and love and loads of boo-boo And having nothing but the greatest

There goes the story of those men Three different people, now and then But I will love them forever Just like how these loves honour me with their endeavour

Source: https://openclipart.org/detail/170415/three-men-thinking

[constitueniken]

Silence

He took her hand and put it on his lap. His grey-brown eyes looked a bit shady. "I wish you a happy life ahead." She could hear what he said, but her brain refused to process it. "I know." He brought her hand closer to his face and kissed it gently, and kept it on his lips, and moved it to his chin. "You did not listen to me." She struggled with fear, anger, sadness, pain, and disappointment on that moment, then she exhaled really deep to put away those feelings. "I did, but I was unable to give a proper response." He put her hand down, and grabbed her shoulders with his strong arms, wrapped her in a very warm hug. "You will be alright." She had no more tears left to shed by then. And for the very first time in her life, she told him the truth. "No, I will not." She bit into that cyanide capsule on the back of her teeth. She could hear him screaming, but then, no more. Now, it is just silence.

[constitueniken]

This Life, Those Men, These Loves (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1

This Life

Ah, yes, life Is it life, they say? Is it the breathing thing? Is it the land of living? Certainly. Certainly that does life sound, after all Is it the thing that has time and places, but, what am I having? Indeed. Indeed that there is no further occurence need to befall That is life

Sometimes I think I do not deserve the happiness that they are talking about Sometimes it feels wrong to experience one Sometimes it feel so right just to shout Sometimes I think, to make things right again, I desperetaly need someone

It feels like I am staying in a different world Where the people are human beings and I am an extraterrestrial creature The pain and suffering make my feelings swirled And then I became afraid of what they call as 'future'

Will I survive this madness? Can my sanity keep going in the middle of this wrath? Is there anything real than sadness? Or should I keep carry on walking on this path?

Dear Lord, save me from this dreadful days Let me feel the blissful and gorgeous joy I have spent time finding my ways And in many times, I realised I have found so many ways to destroy

It is so funny how I did feel so alone Whilst there were so many aqcuaintances around Probably because I was too terrified to leave my throne An imaginary throne that I built under the ground

I used to believe that the ugly duckling was real Except the part when it turnes to be a beautiful swan At least that is what I always had to deal When I was staring at myself in the mirror about how I would never won

Oh, My Almighty, how I was drowned too deep in despair How I was so demented and unable to find peace It was so sad to know that nothing seems to be fair Considering how much I longed for justice, even though if it just a piece

But fret not, myself! For everything have changed Although I am lack of pelf I am no longer deranged

Have you ever felt that kind of feeling? When you are drowning in a deep well So deep that you thought you had an eternal falling And the bottom of the well is going to be the last spot you will ever dwell

But then there is this light you see It looks like a hope in the end of the vertical tunnel Suddenly you can feel the soft wind from the sea And you are about to escape from being a dog in a kennel

Hope kills, they say It will torture you and suffocate you Later I realised I did hearsay That is why I was so blue

Did someone removed the lid? Or did I crawl ferociously that I finally reached the edge? Oh, no, this is solid I swear to you, things might motivate me, but I offer my soul to pledge

I swear to you that there was no saviour That I was too broken to understand that I had strength left in me I always waited for people to do me a favour And then I came to a relisation that I could help myself, I do not need an army

Ah, the fresh air! The moment when I stepped on the green grass I finally got out from that serpent's lair Another horrible moment to pass

And when I managed to get out After decades trapped in that godforsaken place I have changed so much and I got lost in my whereabout And they said for me that there is no space

People found me mutated Which I think is ridiculous How could they be so agitated? I was only a little bit frivolous

Just because I do not think the way they think Then they are the ones who are right Their thoughts are stink And I do not even find them worth to write

Should I be the only alien In the middle of the so called glorious homo sapiens It is not a burden I have all the time in the world to test my patience

I was quite alright after a while By not paying attention to narrow minded people But after I dug quite far in this pile I probably have changed so much that I offer completely different things on the table

Then I sat and started to wonder Will affection become a part of my stories? I keep telling myself I just need to wander To put more things in my memories

There was a time when I believe that I am heartless I neglect all felings and put my logic in charge All just to prove to people that I am not brainless That I do have brain, and it is pretty large

I was denying myself as a human being Because I used to think that feelings make me weak Nevertheless by all the experiences I was having Showing emotions is more important than anything to speak

That was when I met those men Three different faces Three different kinds of acumen Three different traces

But all, in three different time Each one of them is a dime Because loving them altogether might be a crime And for them, I let myself sink so deep in the grime

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An Accolade for Myself

Myself, I have not being honest with you for such a very long time. At last, today, after years and years of self-deception that I made you admit in the past, I finally gave you the thing that you deserve the most: an accolade.

Thank you, Myself, for being patient and understanding through the rough journey of my life. I know I have been treating you like a complete rubbish for the past decade, but believe me I love you, although probably not in the way you want me to. Thank you for not leaving me alone in the dark, even though I often did that to you. Thank you for keeping me as your best companion, notwithstanding the fact that I kept shutting you down when I actually needed you the most.

Today is the best thing ever happened in my life, and to you too, I suppose. Today is the first time I let you in, talking on behalf of me, feeling like you are a human being, and acting deeds out of love and compassion. Today, I come to a realisation that you are the best thing ever happened in my life, and having you is such a grace that I should not ever deny. Today, you made your stand and spoke courageously as if nothing could stop you for being you. I am so very proud of you, and I want you to know this.

I was afraid that you would make everything worse, that your honesty would destroy the last pride that I have, that your emotions would devour me into such a dire catastrophe. But then, you have proven that those things I thought were a mere stupidity. I was too coward to help you, to cherish you, and to make you a better side of my life. I was consumed by what society told me, by people who think that they know better than you, by outdated cultures and norms which have been created hundreds of years ago. For this, I want to say I am sorry. Please do forgive me for being a weakling, I now realise how bad I was when it comes to appreciate you.

I had been torturing you in an unspeakable way, that it made you wanted to give up on me and escaped from me. Now, when I am thinking of it, I am terribly ashamed of what I did to you. You have such a beautiful and pure soul, yet I kept pushing you away in the name of logic and rationality. I know that people still hurt you, no matter how kind you are, and I am always here to defend you--although you hate it so much if I do that for you. But believe me, my conscience is clean, and I do that solely to save you from inevitable annihilation. But of course, from this moment forward, I will try to listen to you before I decide, and involve you in every decision that I am about to make.

This is such a big step in my life, probably the biggest that I have ever made so far. For people out there, what you have done today might looks idiotic, but they are not us, they do not know what kind of pain that we will suffer if I did not let you in. I know I do not love you enough, but trust me I am working really hard on it. I am putting all of my best effort to do it for you and for us. I know it is you who makes me a human being, it is you who makes me more than just a robotic logical woman--who thinks that she can do anything without love and affection.

Myself, I am proud to be able to let you lead me. I am grateful that you are here with me, and stand by me in every condition that I am going through in my life. I am delighted to listen to you more and love you more.

This is an accolade from me to you, Myself.

I hope you accept it with an open heart. :)

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The Suicide Shore

The seagulls were squawking eerily that afternoon, breaking the deafening silence. A man and a woman stood voiceless on the shore, wrapping themselves in thick coats and scarfs. It was nearly the end of winter, yet the cold was still gripping the air.

"This is it? Is this the end of everything that we have had between us?" he stood on the shore, putting both of his hands inside his jeans pockets.

"I am not the one who entered into this whole madness. I am not the one who starts the stupid excommunication. I am not the one who left," she answered without looking at his face. The wind blew her shoulder-length hair, covering half of her face.

"I did not want to leave. I was forced to do so," he scoffed in disagreement. He looked away from her and observed the far horizon.

"But you were forced to leave because of your own fault. If you listened to me and went to me that day, everything will be different," she coughed quite hard. She tightened her coat, and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"So this is all about my mistake, and you never committed any?" he took one cigarette out of a small white pack from the right pocket of his jeans.

"I didn't say that," she looked at him, feeling desperate to explain things to him in her point of view.

"Well, to be honest with you, you sound like it," he said mockingly.

"Don't you think we are hurting each other with this whole craziness? Don't you think that even we had such great memories, they are not enough to save us from the inevitable destruction? Don't you think that no matter how much we love each other, we are actually dragging ourselves to the tunnel of pain and suffering?" she tried to fight back her tears by swallowing so hard.

"Don't you dare highlight the pain," he turned to face her, threw his cigarette, and grabbed her shoulders with his hands, "I don't want you to leave me, for God's sake! I am not a bad person!"

"You are not, nor did I ever say that to you, or to anyone else," she shook her shoulders and released herself from his hands. "I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand being with you. I can't live my life with you by my side," tears started running down her face.

"I will jump in this freezing water and die if you leave me," he hissed.

"Is that the only way to solve this?" she raised her eyebrows, staring at him right on his hazel eyes.

"I will, I swear to God, I will jump!" he screamed in frustration, pointing to the deep blue water.

She moved closer to him, circled her arms around his torso, and kissed his lips softly. "Good bye, My Love."

With one little press, she pushed him to that freezing blue water, fully aware that he cannot swim. She stood motionless while staring at his helpless gesture, his desperate movements in the water, and his suffering from litres of saltwater that he swallowed.

And finally, he disappeared from the surface.

She shed her last drop of tears, turned her back, and walked away from that place.

A few days later, the man's corpse was found by the local authority in the nearby estuary. Upon answering the questions from the police and the local journalists, she handed them her mobile phone and played the last recorded voice note in it:

"I will jump in this freezing water and die if you leave me." "Is that the only way to solve this?" "I will, I swear to God, I will jump!" "Good bye, My Love."

And when the question towards her feeling about the tragic death of her fiancee was asked to her for more than a hundred times, she gave the same exact statement:

"He is in a better place now, and so am I. Life works in a mysterious way, and I believe everyone will move on. May peace be upon him."

Since then, no one wants to go near to the "Suicide Shore". Every soon-to-be-married couples avoid that place at least during a month before their wedding to get rid of bad luck. They also visit the grave of the dead man who took his life on that shore to pray for his soul and for their own luck in their upcoming marriage. Everyone is so moved by the story that it lives amongst them like an urban legend about a man who loves his fiancee more than anything, even more than his own life.

Strangely, no one knows where the woman went. Rumour has it that she fled the country and lived alone in the Netherlands.

But no one really knows.

She is just gone.

[constitueniken]

Forget Me Not

I look at his face, in the dark, with a broken heart.

This is a feeling that I am too familiar with. This is a condition that I really want to avoid, but it is somehow always become inevitable at any time. This is a moment where I just want to run to the furthest corner of the world and tear myself apart into little pieces of flesh, covered with blood and regrets.

I touch his left cheek with my right hand–his face feels so soft on my palm. Oh, my dear lovely God, how I like this person, and how I do not want to part with his beautiful smile. His eyes are as blue as the ocean, his hair is as soft as cotton. A few moments ago, that face laid itself on my shoulder, sleeping in peace just like a little baby in his crib.

The confusion of sadness and love, pain and passion, hatred and lust, all of them–enrages me with a power I cannot control. I even try so hard to cry, but my eyes refuse to do what I order them. Lord, how I feel really despicable and malevolent right now, trapping myself and this person in a damned nightmare.

My Almighty, if taking my life away from my body is the only solution to escape from this madness, then be it. Be it. I would rather become a corpse and die once for all, than makes this man suffer from my brutality, my illness, my wretched soul. He deserves a better life, and I shall not stand on his way whatsoever.

I know nothing good will come from this. I know that it is either me, or him, that is going down to the steepest road, rolling over, falling in eternity, but eventually, die. I know I am such a cruel person, and I let him walked in right into the den of lions. But then, if I release him now, he would walk straight to the river full of alligators, that will grab him with their enormous jaws, and spin him in the water, drag him into such an abominable death. Knowing me is a curse, yet I let it happened to him, a person whom I should have never known.

“Why are you up?” he whispers, finally, in a very soft voice.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” I answer, and put my fingers on his lips.

“No, it wasn’t you. I’m thirsty,” he replies, and sits on the bed. He grabs the water bottle on the floor and opens its cap, drinks in three big gulps. “Do you want some?”

“No, I’m alright. Thanks,” I shake my head.

“Hey, come here,” he says, and he touches my head softly, taking me closer to his chest.

“You’re sweet,” I put my head on his chest whilst looking at his blue eyes.

“You’re cute,” he smiles.

He grabs my lips with his, pulverising them with a passion that has never bestowed upon me before. The next thing I know, we are struggling in the dark, putting the sheet and the duvet into disorder, throwing pillows to the floor, sweating out the whole pores of our skin, and locking our bodies like they were created to be fused with each other.

This is the real pain I will never be able to deal with.

I know what will happened next, but with the last energy I have in me and by sacrificing the last drops of pride, I tell him this:

“Forget me not.”

[constitueniken]

Taking an afternoon walk to the graveyard of the 900 years old St. John's Church. 😎 #Saxmundham #simplehappiness #ChristmasTrip2016 #superyes2016 at St John's Old Vicarage – View on Path.

[constitueniken]

Nothing But Strength

Dear God, I know You are there somewhere. Or You are probably here, sitting beside me, curious as to what would I type next. I know that You are always watching me since the day I was born to now, to this exact moment when I am writing this. I know that You never left me, even for one single second in my life, and You are always holding my hand whenever I feel lost or confused.

I love You and worship You beyond any religions, holy bibles, prophet figures, or rigid social rules that have been growing along the history of mankind--because I know that the pure awareness of Your existence lies in every heart of human beings. If I am considered as a person who is committing blasphemy against my religion, then be it. I always acknowledge You as A Being that is far more powerful than any descriptions made by men.

Dear God, please, I beg You, to give me strength. There is nothing I want from You, but strength. You are The Mightiest among other things in the universe. The galaxies, asteroids, planets, and stars, are Your sole creations. I and my other fellow homo sapiens are just tiny little dots, microscopic creatures, if compared with Your great macro cosmos. If You could create those things, then I believe that You are the source of energy, The One and Only.

I do not want to wish for wealth, power, love, or any other things that people may have been asking You over the centuries. All I want is just strength, a thing that shall support me whenever I feel like I am falling down to the deepest abyss in my life. I just need the strength that descent from You to be strong, because there are so many things happened in this Earth that it makes me torn apart and lost my faith, along with my intention to continue my life.

This does not sound ridiculous to You, does it? I hope it does not. I hope I did not ask too much. I hope You know why I asked you this. I hope You will strengthen me to face the days ahead. Oh, God, there is nothing else I want from You. If You want to shape me in a hard way, if You wish to roughen my journey, if You decide to add a lot more obstacles in my life, then be it, dear God. Be it. As long as You grant me that strength of Yours, I know I shall stand strong, I know I will.

God, thank You for reading this, though I know that You already knew even before I wrote this down. All I want to do is just be a better person, and continue my life with the strength that You give to me, until one day, my time will be up and I will be seeing Your shady and calm face. That day when we will sit under the apple tree by the lake with those white swans, reading and discussing about what happened in my life.

Dear God, I beg you nothing but strength, until I lay my head on Your lap and enjoy the eternity just with You.

[constitueniken]

In The Jungle

"If you move just a step closer to me, then you will die," she stared at him with a very deep hatred, but her eyes looked incredibly calm. "If I didn't get to you closer, then I would regret this decision for the rest of my life," he said, although he seemed not really sure of himself. "I have children," she furiously stomped her paws to the ground. "So do I," he replied, he was breaking with sweat. "Do you think you could actually kill me?" she growled. "I am the mightiest breathing creature in this world! And that's why I have the authority from The Divine to name and conquer you all!" he taunted, but his legs were shaking. "So you claimed," she scoffed. "You can say anything you want, but I will not back away," he moved one step forward, approaching her. "Then, die, both of us," she roared, jumped in the air, and put his fore-paws to his shoulders.

A large figure of black and orange stripes suddenly landed on top of a human being covered only with loincloth. In the silence of that night, they wrestled each other madly. He took out his machete from a knot around his hip, and sliced her on her neck. She replied that attack with an enraged scratch on one of his eyes, instantly half-blinded him. The half-blind man staggered, he tried to stop the blood streaming from his hollow eye socket with his hand, but obviously his effort was useless. She started to feel a disturbance on her body, her nerves were unable to sense, her limbs felt numb. Little that she knew the man had his machete dipped in a tiny wooden glass full of venom from a banded krait that he killed several days ago when it tried to bite his daughter.

But nevertheless, they did not stop there. With the remaining energy and power that they had, boosted by anger, fear, hatred, and hope. The rage inside them was uncontainable, they battled like that was the last day they breathed the air of Mother Earth.

They were panting, screaming, roaring, scratching, choking, slamming, and punching, sometimes they hit each other, sometimes they missed and grabbed the empty air instead.

At dawn, they ran out of anything they had to continue their fight.

"I can't go on any longer," he breathed heavily, he was covered with dry blood, his white loincloth had changed its colour to brownish red. "I can barely move myself," she exhaled deeply, almost unable to fill her lungs with air. "Why are we doing this?" he sat in a very odd position, his right arm twisted, his thigh bone fractured and emerged underneath his flesh. "We love our children too much that it blinded us," she tried to stand up, but all of her neurons were nearly paralysed. "It is a right thing to do, is it not?" he said, more like questioning himself in doubt. He wiped his face with his hand, realising that there were tears streaming down his cheeks. "Indeed. But sometimes we are just so blind because of love. If one of us decided to back away, we will not end up like this," she scoffed, her mind flew to her babies. She wiggled her nose, trying to sense the smell around her, but she could not smell anything but emptiness and blood. "But our pride is just too high," he nodded. Even that tiny little movement felt like it would break his neck. "Our pride is fueled by love. And our love is fueled by hunger," she blinked her eyes, stared deeply at him, laid her chin on her front paws, and took her last breath.

With the last bit of energy that he had, he staggered his way to her dead body, and caressed her head. He laid his cheek on her face, and closed his eyes.

At noon, the local authorities and the villagers found three corpses: a dead deer, that already turned to a carcass, and a dead man holding a dead tigress. According to their statements, (except the dead deer) they looked very happy and peaceful in their death, despite the fact that their whole bodies and bones were broken and torn apart.

They decided to bury the dead man and the dead tigress together. Not only because of the blissfulness on their faces, but because, in fact, they could not separate the two stiff corpses apart.

--from an excerpt of a curious mind, Central Jakarta, 18 November 2016, 11.29 AM--

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Bridesmaid episode II! Happy wedding my bestie Farudodo Hani Haniiiii!!! 😍😍😍😍 #udahpecahtelor2 #Mandaticked #Fardaticked #Epinunticked #Nikenaukahyaakumahsiapaatuh #meskibegituakutetapyes2016 with Farda, Levina, and Amanda at Auditorium II Balai Besar Penelitian dan Pengembangan Pascapanen Pertanian – View on Path.