Generic Food Blog

I'm just a culinary student who wanted to stop bugging my followers with my exploits constantly. I plan to get a double degree, earning me an associates degree in both baking arts and culinary.

[jerkstorecalling]

“Everyone’s had tuna tartare before.”

This is the least relatable and most infuriating cooking video I’ve seen to date.

[pymparticles]

I love how out of nowhere he casually drops that one of the ingredients in the dish takes a fucking WEEK to prepare.

[jerkstorecalling]

First, pop your tuna steaks, bowl, and meat grinder in your Samsung Smart Freezer for ten minutes.

That gives us enough time to blend these vegetables together and let it ferment for ten days.

When your ten minutes and ten days have simultaneously passed, we’re ready to grind and combine. But you know this. Everyone’s had tuna tartare before.

[rubynrags]

Now, you’re going to take your gold leaf and marinate that in about 3 gallons of Rose for at least 75 hours. This is a crucial part of tuna tartare, as you know. You can put your tartare back in the freezer, but for no more than ten minutes at a time. I like to get my butler, Chauncey, to stand watch of the tuna and make sure it goes for a walk in our greenhouse every 3 hours.  Next, grab your toast. I like to get mine fresh from Morocco, so you’re gonna have to book a flight at least 7 weeks in advance from this dish.

[jerkstorecalling]

I like to make my friends WATCH the fish go through the grinder. A party isn’t a party until my friends watch me grind fish meat

[jerkstorecalling]

This still pisses me off a full 24 hours later and I’m glad others share my ire

[goodfriendo]

This is one of the most infuriating things I’ve watched thanks I hate it

[lslines]

@mercy-misrule

[mercy-misrule]

my favourite thing is him dropping in casually the smoked olive oil that you yourself are supposed to hot smoke

[jewishdragon]

I’m literally dying

[eatyourdarlings]

like the dish actually looks great but it’s so hard to see that under the thick layer of GO FUCK YOURSELF

[overachieversloth]

this is extremely tone deaf for us standard edition people, but it is an advertisement for people who have the Insane Amounts of Money to drop on that crazy ass refrigerator and on a huge ass chunk of red tuna for a snack.

So what you get at the end is the wildest piece of culinary comedy possible for the actual masses.

[xekstrin]

you want to take a meat grinder– you have a meat grinder, right? well everyone knows your meat grinder needs to be the same temperature as the meat you grind by hand

[tamascotchi-deactivated20190101]

my favorite part of this is alongside shit like “prepare a mason jar of sriracha a week in advance & take it out once a day to stir” sliding by way too casually, u also have such insightful gems as “how to fucking REMOVE AN AVOCADO PIT” what audience is this FOR

[strongman-freakshow]

@peinde

[axonsandsynapses]

Mix: The Power and the Glory

Here is a land full of power and glory, beauty that words cannot recall- oh her power shall rest on the strength of her freedom, her glory shall rest on us all.

Yet she’s only as rich as the poorest of her poor, only as free as the padlocked prison door, only as strong as our love for this land, only as tall as we stand.

A July Fourth Mix for America, in all its beauty and all its ugliness.

Some of these songs contain potentially triggering content; the asterisks denote trigger warnings, which I’ve listed at the end of the post.

Power & the Glory (Phil Ochs)

Ballad of the Sit-Ins (Sweet Honey in the Rock)

America (Simon & Garfunkel)

What You Own (Rent Film Cast)

With God On Our Side (Neville Brothers)

City of New Orleans (Arlo Guthrie)

Prison Trilogy* (Joan Baez)

Young Man In America (Anais Mitchell)

Sincerely, Jane** (Janelle Monáe)

Deportee*** (Richard Shindell)

The Boxer (Mumford & Sons)

Ballad of Harry T Moore**** (Sweet Honey in the Rock)

Immigrant Punk (Gogol Bordello)

Things That Scare Me (Neko Case)

Democracy (Leonard Cohen)

Drive Through America (Evalyn Parry)

Cops of the World***** (Phil Ochs)

Fast Car (Tracy Chapman)

Plains of Nebrasky-O (Eric Andersen and Phil Ochs)

This Land Is Your Land (Doc Watson, Pete Seeger, Sweet Honey in the Rock, The Little Red School House Chorus)

*includes accounts of suicide, drug overdose, and police brutality; it’s basically about how utterly screwed up the American prison system is **includes references to drug use and gang violence ***recounts a plane crash where hundreds of immigrants died on their way to being deported to Mexico ****recounts the murder of a civil rights worker and his family *****makes reference to war crimes and human rights violations, particularly rape. this entire song is kind of a punch to the gut.

[xkcds]

I have this weird thing where if I don’t drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.

Metabolism [Explained]

[totallynotyourmom]

@contraryculinarian made this cake at school today and brought it home. We will eat it and absorb all the powers of the King of Fish! I’m hoping to have gills by Monday.

[contraryculinarian]

I had to paint something w cocoa butter and dye powder in class and @gaylalondes 's art of Condy called to me 100% edible evil candy babe I def didn't do those lines justice but that's just how it goes sometimes It's not dry, I'll get a dried pic tomorrow

[contraryculinarian]

Today was a long day but Cake

[contraryculinarian]

her concept was fucking insane with a dragon bursting out of the cake and no less than four sculpted parts that were big and not visibly supported, so i’m gonna try and talk her down to this, because Fuck

[contraryculinarian]

my aunt has an INCREDIBLY unreasonably high view of my skills so i’m trying to modify her design into one i can actually do

[aiweirdness]

Cooking with Cthulhu

Here’s what you get when you give incomplete cookbook recipes to a neural network trained on the complete works of H. P. Lovecraft:

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 32 minutes. Test corners to see if done, as center will seem like the next horror of Second House.

Whip ½ pint of heavy cream. Add 4 Tbsp. brandy or rum to possibly open things that will never be wholly reported.

Cook over a hot grill, or over glowing remains of tunnel mouth.

With blender on high speed, add ice cubes, one at a time, making certain each cube is the end.

Dice the pulp of the eggplant and put it in a bowl with the vast stark rocks.

NOTE:  As this is a tart rather than a cheesecake, you should be disturbed.

This may be one of the most exceptional souffles you’ll ever serve. The beet color spreads upward from the noisome Great Ones.

Coat apple slices with strange things.

NOTE: If chocolate sauce is not completely smooth, we became the state of the mad and discovered more desperate tracks and merciful sky.

Cook over medium heat until thickened and bubbly. Spoon over bizarre eyes.

Source: Bon Appetit - June 1991 Typed for you by the ancient Alert and Brattleboro and the Walter Sabbath of Inquanok - and the final monoliths of the Essecian Head.

[aiweirdness]

The neural network has weird ideas about what humans like to eat

So I’ve been training this neural network to generate cookbook recipes by letting it look at tens of thousands of existing recipes.

The generated titles can get a bit odd.

There’s a creativity variable I can set when the network is generating new recipes, and when I set it low, it comes up with its best guess at the most quintessential recipe titles:

Cream Cheese Soup Cream Of Sour Cream Cheese Soup Chocolate Cake (Chocolate Cake) Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cake Chocolate Chicken Chicken Cake Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cake Chocolate Chips Chocolate Chips With Chocolate Chips

When I tell it to get creative, things get even weirder.

Beef Soup With Swamp Peef And Cheese Chocolate Chops & Chocolate Chips Crimm Grunk Garlic Cleas Beasy Mist Export Bean Spoons In Pie-Shell, Top If Spoon and Whip The Mustard Chocolate Pickle Sauce Whole Chicken Cookies Salmon Beef Style Chicken Bottom Star * Cover Meats Out Of Meat Completely Meat Circle Completely Meat Chocolate Pie Cabbage Pot Cookies Artichoke Gelatin Dogs Crockpot Cold Water

[sweetoothgirl]

MATCHA MILK BREAD TURTLES WITH CHOCOLATE DUTCH CRUNCH

[contraryculinarian]

MY FINAL WENT GREAT EVEN THOUGH IT TOOK FOUR TRIES CHEF LOVED IT AND HAD NOTHING BAD TO SAY ABOUT IT BESIDES THAT I PIPE LIKE SOMEONE WHO JUST STARTED LEARNING WHICH IS TRU!!!!! BAKED ALASKA W VHOCOLATE SPONGE AND RASPBERRY SORBET

[contraryculinarian]

Stop It

[contraryculinarian]

Dicking around with sauce plating for my final. Also I've been looking for my pencil for two entire hours and it turns out it was behind my ear.

[contraryculinarian]

Fucking around with tuile as practice for my final, I'm thinking of using it as my handmade garnish component

[cassandrapentagay-deactivated20]

tbh I don’t know why we’re only going after coleslaw. fuck potato salad. fuck macaroni salad. fuck every “‘salad”’ that’s basically just an amalgamation of mayonnaise and nightmares

[bogleech]

Those are literally all of the most delicious things ever invented except for the coleslaw, which is just tolerable as a cheap filler with a better meal.

All foods are better when diced up and mixed with mayonnaise, it’s a fact

[sladeofyaupon]

mayonnaise is disgusting and so are you

[bogleech]

Mayonnaise is what GOD AND HIS ANGELS THEMSELVES would taste like if you ground them into a whipped paste with vinegar and egg whites

[contraryculinarian]

Mayonnaise doesn't even have egg whites! Everything else here is correct though

[contraryculinarian]

I'm impressive and basically a god (Citrus chiffon cupcakes plus raspberry orange champagne sabayon parfait. I did that!)