[“As adults, Dr. Ham told me, the process of repair is a bit more complex, more transactional. But no less satisfying. “See, for people who are traumatized, all they know is rupture,” Dr. Ham explained. “They always have to come to the abuser with an apology. But it’s never about them having their own needs. It’s not a mutuality thing. It’s a one-way street.”
I thought about this for a moment. “You mean…I was only taught how to apologize whenever there’s a problem and say, ‘I’m sorry. I’m so fucked-up.’ ”
“Exactly. You don’t know how to apologize by making it a two-way repair.”
I stammered out what I thought he was saying. “So for people who are traumatized, that means they’re constantly apologizing…but they’re not having their own issues witnessed and repaired. Or they’re constantly demanding an apology and not—”
“Recognizing the other person. Right!”
“So they’re lacking nuance in their repairs,” I said with some awe.
“Yeah. Forgiveness is this act of love where you say to someone, ‘You’re an imperfect being and I still love you.’ You want to have this energy of ‘We’re not giving up on each other; we’re in this for the long haul. You hurt me. And, yes, I hurt you. And I’m sorry, but you’re still mine.’ ”
“That sounds really good. I want to be able to have that two-way thing. But I don’t know how to do that, really.”
“That’s why you’re here.”]
Stephanie Foo, from What My Bones Know: Healing From Complex Trauma
