Okay. Look. Loki has turned cars into ice cream. Peter Parker’s sperm can cause cancer. There’s a universe where Steve is a leather-wearing horse-riding rascal-wrangling honest-to-God sheriff. To the best of my knowledge, Marvel has never once said “that’s too silly”.
So really, there is no reason that Captain America and Hawkeye can’t one day casually go out for hot dogs and end up fighting a literal army of carnival food. Steve slumps back to the tower reeking of processed meat product and sugar, followed by more dogs and cats and raccoons than he can shake a shield at. They manage to turn back the horde at the doors to the Tower, but Clint lets a persistent yellow Labrador in while Steve’s arranging with the guards for any unclaimed strays to be taken to a no-kill shelter.
Because how can you say no to this good good fur boy?
Clint sneaks off to update his Instagram account. Steve is too done to deal with anything anymore and so he just lets the pupper follow him to his suite. He drops the shield, strips off, and walks off to shower.
Meanwhile Tony is alerted that the pair have returned, a little bit worse for wear, and he asks whose gear is the most banged up. It’s Steve, of course, since he’s a close-range fighter. Steve’s location is announced as his suite, so up Tony goes.
Tony is a genius and he’s also seen some shit so of course his first thought is…
He is a scientist as well, so he confirms his hypothesis. He grabs the fuzz-face and says, “Cap?! Is that you? One bark for yes, two for no!”
Woof!
Incontrovertible proof. Steve Rogers has been turned into a dog.
This is going to take a lot of research, so Tony takes the lab down to the lab. He is also worried that Steve will starve to death now that he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, and orders in a ton of pizzas.
The dog is in love.
Jarvis stays quiet throughout this, because some puppy play time will be good for Tony’s serotonin levels.
@lady-phoenix-of-tardis & @lykanyouko XD
Look. This dog has a really sweet, open, trustworthy face, okay? So not only is is not a surprise that Tony believes that the dog is Cap, but it also makes complete sense that Tony would - when faced with a Steven G. Rogers that gives him tons of kisses and wiggles his butt all over the place whenever Tony pays him any attention - start pouring his heart out to the canine captain.
Jarvis slows down the debug processes and simulation builds here and there so that Tony has more time to spend on the floor with his new therapist.
Jarvis also sends Steve some video feed, because he’s a little shit who has enough autonomy to override certain privacy protocols when he deems it in Sir’s best interests.
And Steve’s all
because oh my God Tony.
Steve: We need to do something. This situation’s not sustainable.
Clint: Yeah, knowing Tony he’ll succeed and then we’ll have no dog and two Caps. Lose-lose.
Steve: HEY.
Natasha: We’ll swap Steve and the dog the next time Tony passes out at his workbench. Just let him believe he succeeded.
Clint: Aw, doggie, no.
Steve: Well, Tony seems to really like having a dog around, and it seems to be helping with his overworking. Maybe we can pretend it’s a different dog, and adopt him as the tower mascot?
Natasha: That works. Jarvis, let us know the next time Tony crashes.
Jarvis: Sir is passed out on the couch at this very moment, Agent Romanoff.
*ridiculously long musical montage in which Steve and Nat idly chit chat in the elevator while Clint shimmies through various air ducts*
Steve: Okay, Clint, Nat, grab the dog. I’ll just…lay on the floor and pretend I was napping too, I guess, when Tony wakes up.
Natasha: You’re overlooking one detail.
Steve: What?
…and then Tony wakes up just as Natasha slides back into the elevator with an armful of clothing shreds.
