Fable

|| i just want to lay under the ocean and let the waves rock me to sleep || He // They || @gremling

[crownedwriting]

My brother is mad at me for killing his sister.

he doesn't understand that she would have killed me first. He doesn't understand that he'd have lost both of us had I not pulled the trigger first.

he told me he wants his sister back.

I told him he wouldn't have a sibling at all had she survived.

he doesn't understand that I'm still here. that we're still the same person.

we just have a different name.

we still like drawing. we still like writing. we still crack the same jokes-- it's just in a deeper voice, now.

my brother can't love his new brother the same way he loved his old sister.

a part of him will always hate me for killing her, and I understand.

I just miss him. and I know he misses me, too, just the wrong version of me.

I miss our inside jokes.

I miss knowing his favourite colour. his favourite animal. his favourite video game.

I miss knowing my brother.

siblings aren't meant to be strangers, yet here we are.

raised, loved, and laughed together,

and I don't know his favourite colour.

[crownedwriting]

i finished this wolftstar fanfic a while back, and it feels kinda silly to post about it long after the fact, but I realized I never really talked about it on tumblr and im sure a lot of yall would enjoy it, so im gonna link it here with the summary <3 it's 135,500 words long with 48 chapters :]

“I don’t know. It’s stupid, letting this all still effect me.”

“It isn’t stupid, Remus.” Sirius assures quickly; firmly. He gently curls his finger under Remus’ chin and lifts it up so he can properly see his face. “He’s stupid. He’s wrong. And if you’d like, I can kill him for you.”

Remus would laugh if he knew Sirius was joking. Instead, his lips quirk into a small smile, “Tempting.” He says.

Or, Sirius and Remus both hold their fair share of secrets. Sirius goes through one of the worst summers of his life and is unable to tell his friends, whereas Remus' secret is discovered by someone who wants to exploit it for their own gain.

Together, they learn how to heal.

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[crownedwriting]

homesick

i sit outside

getting sick off cigarettes

listening to the rumbling mill next to me,

and staring up at an empty sky,

and i yearn for the noise of crickets,

and the blanket of stars i grew up under,

and i wonder,

where did it all go so wrong?

[crownedwriting]

the most frustrating thing in the world when you're writing is wanting a scene to flow a certain way but not being able to string the words in a way to get that flow

[crownedwriting]

A heat floods my veins and crawls up my spine; seeps into my bones and plants seeds of rage, turning my blood to rust. 

I want to scream as loud as I can until my vocal cords tear- and then some. To let out my anger and frustration, just as angry magick bubbles and leaks from my fists without my consent.

But my mouth wont open. I can’t scream no matter how bad I want to. It travels up my lungs but jams at my throat.

I feel present yet not.

Like I don’t exist.

Like everything is a thousand years away but I know if I reach out I will touch the charred ground that shouldn’t be as black as it is.

And then I do.

And then I can’t stop screaming.

Tears freely streak my cheeks and my fists clench around scorched ground.

My blurry gaze turns to the night sky, riddled with stars that only further prove I exist.

But maybe I don’t want to.

[crownedwriting]

Some more wolfstar angst? I think yes.

-

Sirius never wanted to drag his friends into his mess of a family life. And yet, every single time something went wrong at home, he always found himself on James' living room floor; tears mixing with the blood on his cheeks.

He was always coated in fresh bruises and new scars; sobbing on his hands and knees; trying to say incoherent things; trying to say sorry.

"Sirius-" James' voice broke at the sight if his bestfriend- "Sirius, it's okay- MUM!"

Mrs. Potter came downstairs every time to see her two boys cradling each other in their arms.

And every time she felt the hatred she held for Walburga Black grow fiercely as she patched up Sirius' new wounds; and every single time she saw a part of Sirius missing.

This time... a big part of Sirius was gone.

Sirius refused to speak of it for the rest of summer break. In fact, he barely spoke at all, which worried James even more than he already was.

James feared they actually broke him this time.

"We need to tell Remus and Peter." James said to Sirius. "They can help too-"

"No!" Sirius exclaimed, speaking for the first time in a week. "No. We can't drag Remus into this. Not after what I did to him. Not after- not after The Incident." Sirius' voice turned to a whisper as he moved his eyes away from James'; ashamed.

"Sirius, Remus will understand. I'm sure he'll forgive you-"

"I don't need him to be pitied into forgiving me." Sirius scowled. "I don't deserve it."

And suddenly James saw all the self hatred Sirius held for himself- all of the shame.

"Sirius…" James trailed off. "I hope you don't think you deserve what your parents did to you."

When Sirius didn't reply, James felt his heart lurch and his stomach twist. He decided to drop the topic at that.

Returning back to Hogwarts, James expected Sirius to at least act a bit more like himself. But he didn't. He still held that cold, distant stare; as if reliving what happened that night over and over again.

Sirius didn't share a car with Remus, James, and Peter; claiming to James he didn't want Remus to feel uncomfortable.

James didn't miss the look of disappointment Remus held when he realized one of the four marauders was missing from the car.

He didn't miss the yearning in Remus' voice when he asked where Sirius was.

And he most certainly didn't miss the look of regret Remus' eyes held when James told him Sirius didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

James debated on whether or not to tell Remus about what happened to Sirius over the summer-- even though he wasn't quite certain himself.

He decided against it, however. It's Sirius' decision after all.

Arriving at Hogwarts, Sirius was already seated; ignoring Remus' presence beside him; dead eyes staring straight forward as he listened to the whispers around him.

"did you hear Sirius Black is gay?"

"I heard his parents disowned him for it."

"I thought they killed him." one snickered.

"no, but weren't they kind of cruel?”

"Not really. I'm sure he deserved what he got."

Remus felt his heart lurch as dread filled his stomach at the whispers surrounding them.

He turned to counsel Sirius, only to find him standing on his feet; on top of the bench; arms spread wide. Everyone immediately fell quiet.

"For those wondering, I am, in fact, gay. Not that it's any of your business. Anyone who has anything to say about it, go the fuck ahead. I've already heard it all." He paused. "And yes, the rumor's are true; I am no longer a Black. And you all can suck my dick.”

With that, he jumped from the bench and made his way out of the grand hall; the entire hall stunned quiet, before quickly picking back up into whispers.

It took Remus a second for his brain to catch up to what just happened, but when it did, he stood up to his feet and rushed after Sirius.

He looked both ways, before catching Sirius' mop of black hair turning down the left hallway.

He rushed after him, finally catching up to him half way down the corridor 

"Sirius-"

Sirius froze at Remus' voice, before quickening his pace, "I don't need you to pity me. I don't deserve it."

"I'm not pitying you."

"Really?" Sirius asked sarcastically; attempting to out-walk Remus to wherever he was headed. "Then why are you talking to me?"

"Because-" Remus grabbed Sirius' arm, noticing the way he winced at the touch- "because I care about you, Sirius." He finished, turning Sirius to face him.

Sirius didn't look up at Remus; instead keeping his eyes focused on the floor. There was a beat of silence where neither of them said anything- the tension between them thick and cold.

"You shouldn't." Sirius finally muttered. "Not after everything."

Remus felt his heart break at how much self hatred seeped off of Sirius' words, "Sirius…" he paused, grip tightening around Sirius' hand. "Everyone makes mistakes."

Sirius scoffed and backed away from Remus, "one hell of a mistake, no? As you said; Snape could have died. You could have turned him."

"But I didn’t." Remus protested as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Listen. I mulled it over all summer. I don't care about that stupid mistake anymore. I care about you. Please talk to me."

Sirius felt tears pool in his eyes as he attempted to keep them at bay- not wanting Remus to pity him more than he already did.

"It doesn't matter. I deserved what I got."

“What?!” Remus stared, utter shock coursing through his system. " no one de-… what?!" he repeated.

Sirius stayed quiet and continued staring to the side, praying this would be over soon. He couldn’t bare to look Remus in the eyes, not after what he did. Not after how cold they were last time they locked eyes.

"Sirius- look at me," Remus pushed his hands on either side of Sirius' face; forcing him to look Remus in the eyes, "No one deserves what you've gone through. I don't care who they are or what they've done. You especially don't deserve what happened to you. Just because of one mistake-- that doesn’t mean you deserve--" Remus' voice broke, tears welling up in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry that I made you think that." He whispered.

Sirius pursed his lips, willing tears not to fall. When he realized that it was inevitable, he shoved himself into Remus and buried his face in the crook of the tallers neck; balling his fists into the back of Remus' sweater as he did so.

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius; hugging him with a such a force he was surprised he didn't break Sirius in two. The smell coconut conditioner and a cologne that could only be linked to Sirius filled his nostrils, and suddenly Remus didn't know how he lived without Sirius for so many months.

And there they stood, in the middle of an empty corridor; holding each other in their arms; grips only tightening; each getting drunk on the others scent that they've lived without for far too long.

[crownedwriting]

the sky promises a storm this afternoon; grey clouds rolling over the mountains. I put the kettle on and open the front door, filling my lungs with damp air. The kettle sings and I make my tea with honey, before padding back to the front door; taking my seat in the door way; bare feet resting on the green porch now slick with rain. My cat meows and curls up next to me, her purrs barely audible over the sound of heavy rain hitting the tin roof. I close my eyes and take another deep breath; the storm wont be letting up for another few hours, and that makes me smile.

everything is okay.

[crownedwriting]

oh... to lay down on a soft bed of moss; the sound of a brook babbling near me... watching the green canopy of leaves sway with the breeze. streams of light breaks through them and warm my soft skin. my worries and aches fade, and I am content.

[crownedwriting]

Small Town Country Gothic

- Some people turn their porch light off at night. You keep it on. You don't like seeing the glowing eyes in your backwoods when it's off.

- There used to be three farmers. Now there's two. No one knows what happened to the third, and no one asks.

- You drive past a cornfield and swear you hear someone whispering your name, even over the sound of your car. You tell yourself you'll take another route next time. You never do.

- The morning fog slowly covers your yard, englufling your dog. When it fades away, he's gone. You pretended he just ran off; you know better than to question the fog.

- The mountains scream some nights. No one questions it. They've been told not to.

- There's plenty of potholes on your street. No one bothers to fill them with tar; the roads doen't like that very much.

- All your neighbors are atleast 30 feet away from you. You wonder if you measured right when their houses slowly disappear into the distance, night by night, until your house is the only house in sight. You wonder if you ever had neighbors.

- The farmer is very nice to you. He gives you free eggs, "for you and your daughter," he says. You don't have a daughter.

- No one likes the winter. The days are shorter. No one likes when the trees no longer hide unblinking eyes.

- There's a brook under a bridge near your house. No one swims in it, even on the hottest days. They're scared of the people under the bridge.

- When your nieces come over, you warn them not to go into the backwoods. They do any way, and come back with a third niece. You make another sandwich. The third one doesn't blink.

- There's only one church. No one has gone in, but things come out.

- A farmer added a scarecrow to his cornfield when the crow's were being pests. they didn't like that very much, and now no one knows where the farmer went.

- The street names slowly disappear the farther up country you go. You wonder if anything here is alive. You should turn back now.

- Sometimes people from town visit. They don't last very long; the roads are hungry.

[crownedwriting]

It's chilly, yet here we are, standing on the beach; the icy waves crash against our ankles. You smile at me, and I cant help but to smile back.

The sky turns grey as storm clouds quickly approach over the horizon. The air shifts with the threat of a storm; the salty air turning electric. You grab my hand as we begin running up shore in a futile attempt to beat the rain.

There's a deep rumble of thunder before the rain starts, and we give up on running (We dont make it that far.) The rain is colder than the oceans waves, but I cant help but to laugh as you grab my hand and spin me under the rain.

Dancing in the rain? What a cliche. Then again, I'd do every cliche in the book if it was with you.

[crownedwriting]

We race eachother home; which for us is a small cabin hidden in the trees. The rain mixed with the forest air creates an addicting scent as our bare feet pad across the moss trail.

We change out of our wet clothes and into soft pajamas before sitting infront of the fireplace with hot cocoa and blankets; listening to the fire crackle and the rain patter. You hold me, and everything is okay.

[crownedwriting]

It's chilly, yet here we are, standing on the beach; the icy waves crash against our ankles. You smile at me, and I cant help but to smile back.

The sky turns grey as storm clouds quickly approach over the horizon. The air shifts with the threat of a storm; the salty air turning electric. You grab my hand as we begin running up shore in a futile attempt to beat the rain.

There's a deep rumble of thunder before the rain starts, and we give up on running (We dont make it that far.) The rain is colder than the oceans waves, but I cant help but to laugh as you grab my hand and spin me under the rain.

Dancing in the rain? What a cliche. Then again, I'd do every cliche in the book if it was with you.

[crownedwriting]

Oh boy. Starting this blog off with some wolfstar angst I suppose.

Remus was angry. And rightfully so. Sirius would be equally as angry had the situations been reversed. He was quite certain he wouldn’t even allow an apology to escape the others lips.

And yet, there he stood, facing Remus; who was laid on a hospital bed, fresh scars coating his arms and one right across his nose; blatantly ignoring Sirius and his many “I’m Sorry”’s.

He wouldn’t even spare Sirius a glance; instead keeping his gaze focused out the window.

“Re...” Sirius started, heart clenching when Remus didn’t react, “I’m so sorry.”

He cringed at the sound of his voice- he sounded so desperate- and he was. Desperate for Remus to look at him. Desperate for him to yell- to be angry- because god knows Sirius deserved it. He knew that.

“I-... I know that’s no excuse... but please... do something. Yell at me. Push me. Something. Please.” His voice cracked, and yet Remus still refused to move his puffy eyes Sirius’ way.

Sirius only felt the pit in his stomach grow deeper when he realized that he was the cause of the werewolf’s tear stained cheeks.

“I don’t deserve forgiveness--”

“That’s the first true thing you’ve said since you got here.” Remus cut him off, voice cold and tongue sharp as a blade.

Sirius felt all colour fade from his face at Remus’ words, all hope of being forgiven suddenly gone. He fucked up on a colossal level, and he feared there was no fixing things.

“Re-” Sirius reached for Remus’ hand, only to have it ripped away from his touch.

Remus looked at Sirius for the first time in what felt like years, and Sirius felt his heart shatter at how cold and unforgiving his gaze was; making him feel small, even while he was the one standing. He never wanted Remus to look at him like that ever again.

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” Remus seethed.

Sirius held his hand to his chest; tears threatening to spill at the lack of warmth Remus’ eyes once held for him.

“I could have killed him. I could have turned him. And that’s all because of you.” Remus jabbed his finger into Sirius’ chest- the gesture feeling more like a bullet than a finger.

“I know- I’m sor-”

“Sorry doesn’t change the fact that it happened!” Remus’ voice raised to a yell, causing Sirius to flinch.

Sirius didn’t know how much longer his legs could hold his weight; not with Remus’ piercing stare and the sudden yelling. Never had Remus ever held this much anger towards Sirius- never had Sirius ever felt Remus slipping away from him as much as now- and never had Remus ever yelled at Sirius. Not like this. Not with so much hatred he could barely contain it. 

“I- I know-” Sirius was shaking now, the hatred in Remus’ voice reminding him much of the hatred Walburga spoke to Sirius with- “I can’t ask you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it. Just... just don’t hold this against James or Peter. They don’t deserve it. They weren’t part of it.”

Remus’ glare softened at the regret laced in Sirius’ voice, but he never gave Sirius a chance to notice as he turned his head back towards the window.

“I regret it, Remus. So much. Please know that. I’m sorry.”

When Sirius didn’t receive a response, he turned away and left the hospital wing; leaving his heart behind with the werewolf.

Find me @ :

Instagram: Spcttrtl // nefarious.mothman

Wattpad: CrownedDrarry

Other Tumblr: elfwriting