oh fuck @crowslinger - Tumblr Blog

a garbage man ran out of the bushes in front of my car, which is fine because I’m used to deer on that road and was already driving carefully, but I’m so used to deer that instead of like, watching the truck to see if he was crossing again I watched the bushes he’d come from in case there were like. 1-2 smaller, frailer garbage men following him I guess.

enbycarp

A customer just called and asked, “Do you have music?”

I paused a moment and said, “We do have concerts coming up, yes.”

She asked, “When are they?”

And I said, “We have several options. Is there a certain kind of concert you’re looking for?”

And she said, “what’s the difference?”

Again I paused, and then explained that there are different kinds of music, like classical, pop, rock, etc. The phone call is over, but I’m still not over it.

enbycarp

She called back! She wanted to know “some dates for music.”

tikkety-tok

Potatoes! 🥔

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

< CRIES SOFTLY

Dogs are so good

Look at them

“I’M HELPING!!!!”

nutongzhi

femmenietzsche

Those loony Christian signs listing all the types of sinners who will go to Hell (ABORTIONISTS SATANISTS GAMBLERS FORNICATORS) always make me feel bad because I know I’d fall under a lot more categories if I just got out more. It’s introvert shaming, that’s what it is.

ondoinganevildeedblues

you can tell a lot by a womans hands, for instance, she has hooves? horse.

catgirltreats

Pics that make you go OOH EEE <SLAP SLAP>

ostolero

better call saul has shown me that life doesn't stop at 30 or 40. I got rest of my years to irreparably damage the lives of those around me

coffeefocusrat

nadhie

my dad just exploded into laughter out of nowhere and told me ‘imagine the lion king but with sea lions’ he has been chuckling about it for 5 straight minutes now

nadhie

apparently it doesn’t matter that i’ve told him 10 times it’s the monkey who raises the newborn and not the lion himself, this is the scene he has been imagining

“he can’t raise his kid over his head”

wakingfromthewater

I want it

crockpotcauldron

okay but have you considered

imaginarylock

quality content

thorinobsessed

Extreme quality

janetbrown711

@squorkal can it be my job to find you seal posts? Because I want that job

squorkal

abd-illustrates

do you plan on becoming a crab later

Why plan for the inevitable

gaycop

if you have never been to america DO NOT COME NOW. joe biden has enacted a mandatory hot dog eating schedule. 2 egg dogs at 6am. 4 plain hot dogs at 12:45pm (NO condiments). 3 chili dogs at 7:30pm. at random times a siren will sound off and we have to eat 5 sloppy joe dogs, which are literally just hot dogs with sloppy joe on them. if we dont eat every bite we are executed on the spot. please send help they are all boiled in the same water

thej0ry

If you live in America- please eat a pb+j after each hotdog to combat against Bidens plan to have everyone die of HotDog Belly

redchrominance

mousetrapreplica

guy whose pronouns are who/whom/whose

mousetrapreplica

“whose pronouns are who/whom/whose?”

“that’s right”

empathviv

prokopetz

Remember: toe beans are the sign of a killer.

prokopetz

Funnily enough, I’m not 100% joking. While many animals have paw pads, the particular kind of soft, squishy beans found on housecats are an adaptation for stealth. Squishy beans mean you’re looking at an ambush predator.