13 Things That Annoy Me At Hockey Games
I haven’t posted in a while. I started a new job and hockey season was A LOT, but I think during the off season I may need to revive this blog in order to fill my Hockey Cravings. I say offseason because The Dallas Stars done did me dirty again and are missing the playoffs. Obviously I will be supporting Vegas this year, but things won’t be the same without my Stars Boys. THEY’RE GOOD BOYS, BRENT.
Anyway, at the last Stars home game of the season I started crafting this list SO, without further ado, here is:
13 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME AT HOCKEY GAMES
1. People who wear the jerseys of teams that aren’t playing
Are you lost bud? It’s Senators vs Stars and here you are, bold as brass, wearing your goddamn P*trick K*ne jersey in THIS, MY ARENA. I’M SORRY YOUR TEAM IS BAD THIS YEAR – DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON MY SENSE OF ORDER. And NO just because Minnesota also wears green doesn’t mean you can escape my watchful eye. Minnesota is a SORE SUBJECT and in this house we respect The Dallas Stars.
2. People who look at you funny when you’re loud and into the game.
If you wanted a nice relaxing night out then you’ve come to the wrong sporting event my friend. I get that you have oodles of cash and season tickets are a status symbol for you, but I paid a lot of damn money (relative to my itty bitty salary) to be here and I’m gonna enjoy myself, dammit! I will yell in support of my boys. I will drink a beer or two. I will get tipsy and loudly complain about how our offense is being incorrectly utilized. If you try to complain about our goal tending I will argue with you. I am living my best life and your stinkeye will not deter me.
3. People who start goalie chants
I don’t care if we are playing the Blackhawks, goalie chants are a garbage way for garbage people to act. If you try to start one in my section I will chant over you before you can get a foothold. It’s just mean. Go buy an 8 dollar hot dog.
4. People who scream at the players
I’m all for loudly enjoying the game, but when you start to screech at the ice like a possessed grackle I have to draw the line. We’re in the nosebleeds. The boys can’t hear you and if they could I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate your nonsense.
5. People who manspread in tiny little seats
I get it. You’re tall and you have balls and these seats are made for children. But nobody’s balls are that big, buddy. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a larger lady myself and I manage to stay in my allotted space just fine. If you spread your legs into my bubble I will be spreading right back. Get ready for some uncomfortable Knee on Knee action until you get back the fuck into your seat space. Your knee should not be crossing the line the armrest makes into MY territory and you will learn this lesson, SO HELP ME GOD.
6. People who yell curse words or slurs
I understand if we have a beautiful chance to score, miss it, and a “FUCK” slips out a little louder than intended. And obviously if a ref makes a bullshit call, the appropriate response is “BULLLLLSHIIIIIIIT,” but when you’re purposefully screaming obscenities as loud as you can at the players, regardless of intention, we’re gonna have a problem. There are kids around and your ass is drunk and obnoxious. I’m sorry you don’t understand the game and you’re bored because you have the attention span of a hamster, but learn some etiquette. And if slurs are involved? Oh buddy. I’ve never been ejected from a game, but I’m willing to give it a shot if it gets you to shut your mouth. And I’m not just talking racial or queer slurs – if you use one of those, you’re as good as dead – I’m talking gender slurs too. If I have to hear some entitled white boy call a player a “bitch” or a “pussy” one more time I might just lose it. So be a decent human being, please.
7. People who wear jerseys as dresses
I know you’re sexy and you wanna show off your freshly waxed legs. I understand. But this is a WINTER sport. It’s COLD in here. And I know you’re cold too because you have 4% body fat and the seats in the boxes are leather. Just wear some leggings! You’re gonna be a lot happier! And you’ll still look hot, I promise. Tyler Seguin isn’t going to fuck you though, and for that I’m truly sorry.
8. People who wolf whistle the Ice Girls
Those girls are making minimum wage and spending half of every paycheck on their own cosmetics for games in order to wear bras on the ice and put up with every drunk, middle-aged piece of shit’s attempts at flirting. Just leave them alone. You’re not funny. I’m sorry your wife left you. Go home Dan.
9. People who yell at players and beg them for a puck at warm ups
I know Jamie Benn was GONNA give that puck to the five year old with a cute sign, but now that you screamed at him twelve times to give it to you, a 20 something asshole, he’s changed his mind! What’s this? He’s climbing over the glass to shake your hand? He’s giving you his jersey? AND HIS CAPTAINCY? My god, it’s a good thing you harassed him all warmups. What a day for you. I’m deaf in one ear because you wouldn’t shut the fuck up, but I guess that’s a sacrifice I’ll have to make.
10. People who try to get on the glass during warmups – even though there are no spots left
I got here at 6:00 PM, when the doors to the arena opened, so I could get a halfway decent spot on the glass for warmups. You don’t get to saunter in at 7:10PM for a 7:30PM game start and shove your way to the front. I’m sorry you weren’t prepared for this evening. It is not my fault and no you cannot squeeze in next to me there is NO ROOM for your TARDINESS. You take the hand that was dealt to you!
11. People who shout “SHOOT” or “SKATE” loud enough for the whole damn arena to hear.
The only time this was ever okay was when some guy in the terrace below us screamed “SKATE FASTER” with such relatable desperation that my friends and I could not stop laughing about it for the rest of the game. Unless you are that guy, doing us all a service as we suffer through this nightmare, please keep your Advanced Hockey Strategies to yourself. Yes I wish they would shoot too. Yes I know Hitch’s defense first approach has killed our offense everywhere but our first line. Yes I know you see a shooting lane from above that the players on the ice can’t see. I get it Scott. I understand. It’s okay. We’re all in this together. Now be quiet and suck back the soda in your 9 dollar commemorative plastic cup.
12. People who boo their own team
B I T C H. IF YOU CAME HERE TO BE A NEGATIVE FUCKING NANCY YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW. These are my BOYS. Even when they hurt me like this they are my BOYS. BOO THE OTHER DAMN TEAM YOU MONSTERS.
13. People who leave the arena early when we’re losing.
We all have to work tomorrow, Susan. We’re all disappointed that it would take a miracle to win this game now. But if you THINK I’m gonna abandon my TEAM in their hour of need, you got another thing coming. I am here til the BITTER END. So GO. Beat the traffic – but I know where your true loyalties lie.
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