Toni

I'm literally just a guy- and that's the best possible news. He/him

[cryingtomycats]

Updating my introduction post, to better fit my blog now :)

My pronouns are he/him, and you can call me Toni.

This part USED to say: "Please don't report me, just block me if you don't want to see my content" But I honestly think the stuff I post atp is chill?

I'm pro recovery and am in recovery myself (nearly 3 years of recovery, and over a year sh free)

I won't post or reblog pictures of cvts. EVER.

I also will never post any p/r/o a/na content, bod/y ch/ecks, post numbers, or anything like that.

My ask box is still open! I don't really frequent this blog anymore, but I love hearing from people and will respond on the occasion that I check this blog, which I still do periodically. Please don't vent to me (w/o asking, if u ask in dms its fine!) and please don't be creepy, thank you! ^^

What CAN I expect to see from you?

Honestly not much, BUT, when I do post it'll be something like:

Posts related to recovery (which could on a bad day include something a tad vent-y, but I try to stray from that because I don't think it's healthy for me)

Positivity on occasion

Possibly art

Milestones

Random things I think of

DNI IF:

Pro ed/pro sh/anti recovery (if I go to your blog and all your posts are flagged by my filtered tags? that's a block.)

Racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist/just generally an asshole

NSFW/Kink blog(PLEASE keep this one in mind. For some reason I've had an uptick in this lately?)

You find discussion of mental health related topics upsetting. My blog is probably not right for you, but I hope you have an amazing day :)

Just general DNI criteria, don't be weird, yk?

IF YOU IGNORE THIS CRITERIA AND FOLLOW ME ANYWAY YOU WILL BE BLOCKED. NO EXCEPTIONS. I SEE EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS ME.

Thank you, and stay safe <3

[cryingtomycats]

My 3 years clean date passed a few months ago, and I didn't think anything of it

I keep a multitool in my desk drawer with a knife on it, and I don't worry about it

I talk about my scars and the times I harmed myself, but it doesn't feel like venting, it just feels like recognizing something true about my body After all, they're a part of me

I'm just saying. It's possible. To get here.

[waitingforthesunrise]

emotional processing is so funny because sometimes you’ll be violently sobbing on your bedroom floor over something that happened 4 years ago and then you’ll just. get up and make coffee. and go to the grocery store. and take all this fundamental sadness for a walk. and ponder the cosmic experiences of humanity while eating a sandwich. and that’s healing.

[thepeacefulgarden]

[cryingtomycats]

I can now actually say that shit gets better

This blog is just shy of three years old, and I rarely to never post on it anymore. But I don't think it's completely fair to just abandon all this without really saying why, because I think the reason why I've been silent is fucking important to hear.

This blog has been lying dormant for a hot minute, but in the past few months I've up and totally disappeared. So where's Toni? Did he die? Did he relapse? Did he forget his password? Is anyone actually wondering these things? Probably not, but again, the answer is important.

Because I worked hard. I grew up. And things changed for the better like I never thought they could. That's what I'm here to say. That's what's so important. For the first time in maybe my entire life, I really, truly, and completely want to live.

Because fun fact! Though I am someone who struggles with the idea that my present state of being at any given time always has been and forever will be, everything really does pass! Because things were hellish and I was working really hard trying to get treated and improve my situation and jumping through hoops for years and just feeling like I'd never see the end of it ever, never achieve any of the things I was hoping so hard for, that a world where I didn't constantly feel panicked, trapped, and an underlying desire to disappear could never exist. But it does. I'm living in it.

I still struggle. I still have the same issues I always have had. But I have good days now. I have support. And I actually feel determined to make the effort to do better, and give myself grace when I need it, because it doesn't feel like blind trust of vague good to come, it's handling the real, good life that I now have. Even when things majorly suck. Even when I can't do shit, when I'm still held back. It's fucking frustrating. I hate it sometimes. But I don't hate myself. And I don't hate my life.

And hell, maybe I'll have more really dark times. But I have actually seen a world now where things are better. I know it's possible. And I want you to know it to. Because y'all can scroll and see exactly where I started from. And I'm here now. Because that kid put in the work. And because he did, life got better. Stay safe <3

[cryingtomycats]

Not being that person anymore means the places you once sought comfort in will no longer bring it to you, and that's a lot to swallow actually

[sleebystardust]

I'm 5 years clean today everybody get hyyyyype

[cryingtomycats]

HELL YES!!!

[cryingtomycats]

It is actually so beyond frustrating existing and being percieved right now because I don't know how I want to look and jsut like

everything makes me unhappy! I don't know what makes me happy anymore! I don't know what ever did! I don't know how to make myself feel good!

look good feel good so rest assured I feel BAD. like angsty and bad all the time. like so riddled with stress over my appearance and so hyper aware of it that I'm on the verge of tears trying to hold my own against what I'm imagining people are going to say to me about how I look because I just can't stop going over it in my head

it's avoiding even going out and doing things kind of bad. it's distracting from my life kind of bad. it's just making me generally hate myself kind of bad. every time I go outside I feel actually ashamed and like I've morally failed.

and of course because most of this is gender related, the fact I'm even thinking this much about my appearance makes me feel so completely worse.

[cryingtomycats]

Self destruction under the guise of matching energy, over the guise of giving people what they want from me, under the guise of being what they expect of me

I don't know if it's all in my head or not

Maybe I don't care if I'm self sabotaging anymore. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to leave my house.

[cryingtomycats]

I'm trying so so so so so hard to be honest with people

Because hiding when I'm suffering has caused me to get so wrapped up in lies in the past that I felt like I could never tell the truth about anything and no one would ever help me and than mentality literally almost led to my death

but its

its so hard

I'm honest, I say I'm in pain, I say I had a bad day, I say I'm struggling, I slipped up, I'm having bad thoughts, I am fully prepared to take myself to the hospital if I ever start to veer into crisis again

and yet

i just

I hate existing like this. I had a really bad breakdown the other day for the first time in a while and I just screamed and screamed and screamed

I thought I was doing better than that

I don't even know where all that pain came from

I know I usually don't write vent posts like this I just

I don't even fucking know anymore. Something is probably wrong with me. More than a bad day or a bad time or bad things happening in my life. Something is probably wrong with my brain. More than I know. Something is also probably wrong with my body. I don't know why I experience so much physical and mental suffering, why even when I'm doing better I still have all this pain. I hate saying that but it's true. I feel like a shitty, dramatic person, I know other people have it worse, I know I've had it worse, but it's true. I am just in so much fucking pain. Not every second, usually something I can manage, but it's just so THERE. And I don't know what to do about it.

[cryingtomycats]

Crying so hard that your eyelids are swollen for hours, your face stings from all the salt, you can't see clearly, and you throat hurts from screaming

I'm fine

[cryingtomycats]

Wow you go to bed early? You're so responsible!!

actually no I just get suicidal after 9pm

[cryingtomycats]

80 days sh free and a week into the year

It's hard but I'm still going.

[cryingtomycats]

714 days of recovery though

I need to mentally get back on track because what the fuck

I don't need this

this is not love

but like

FUCK is it hard

[cryingtomycats]

72 days self harm free but I cannot stress enough how it literally feels like zero days

I have cut myself twice in the last basically two years

and it feels like every god damn day

I do not feel clean, it is on my mind all the time, it is the first thing I mentally go to, I just haven't actually in

72 days

[cryingtomycats]

I cut myself in 2023 and 2024. I want to try to have a year when I don't at all.

But I want to cut myself. But it's about to be 2025 but I don't feel ready to stop even though I already have? I feel like I'm falling apart? My life is hell and it will never get better? I have successfully failed everything to make way for my inevitable death by my own hands? Should I be worried?

Fuck I hate living inside my head sometimes

[tmgmrk]