you ever sitting there writing a post and then you space out and find it difficult to focus on for sm reason? just, you try to focus on writing but you're stuck in your head and have to re-read what you last wrote and it's a Herculean Labor to keep going.
and then, you have to admit "okay, i'm struggling" instead of just *powering through it and thinking you're stupid and useless*.
"how can i make this easier?" you ask yourself because you want to post smth. you really really do. but it's hard for sm reason. you don't understand why but it is.
so you have to figure out how to accomodate yourself.
you stop a second and...
it *is* awfully quiet, you muse.
and so you turn on some music, so it isn't quiet. music helps with other silence-related task difficulties you've had. why not this one? you feel a bit relieved for it. you hadn't noticed how quiet it was.
and you sit a moment more and notice that one of the kitchen lights is buzzy, and you turn it off. you are honestly relieved for it. you hadn't realized how much it was bothering you before.
and even though you're feeling better with your new accomodations, you decide that it can't hurt to do a quick exercise. it's helped pull you put of dissociation before. it puts the remaining energy in your body into physical movement.
I'm having a lot of thoughts, now that I've come out of crisis.
About imposter syndrome
I'm not sure if this is how it is for everyone, but for me,
It's connected to perfectionism and ego and identity.
During my episode, I was experiencing what felt like a total 180 of my usual self.
I felt that I was usually cheerful and rather energetic. Usually excitable and friendly. I was always *trying* to be better, to improve. I felt that I always cared or tried to have compassion, to give the benefit of the doubt.
And then, it's like I no longer had any energy. I couldn't think. And it's not that I couldn't feel but I couldn't care. I was exhausted quicker, utterly bored. I was apathetic about the thoughts that drew in about harming myself and generally getting worse.
I didn't understand fully what was going on with myself. All I knew was that I didn't care. I just wanted to get worse.
So I'd gone from "I want to get better" to "I want to get worse".
I wouldn't say it was instant. I think it'd been creeping up and pulling back slowly.
I'd had a couple smaller moments before in the months leading up where I was struggling to figure out why I should care about the thoughts of suicide and self harm that popped up. They weren't distressing. And I didn't necessarily desire to die. I was just apathetic and bored.
And then, they'd go away. It was just horomones from my period. It was just the weather affecting my mood. Or I reasoned with myself that I'm in therapy, and I don't like lying, so I'd just end up telling my therapist about it. Or I'd already told my friend, so they would know to ask after me, so I couldn't.
This time when I got bored and apathetic, I premeditated my self harm. Wrote out a plan. What to talk about in therapy. How to be in a good mood leading up to it so my therapist didn't notice. What to do if she asks me about it. What to say to not be lying but also not mention it. And I went through with it all.
I watched a movie the next day and realized I was experiencing depression-like symptoms. Up until this point, it was just boredom. It was just not caring. It was just normal. It was just freedom.
I didn't want to get better, but I did feel things were lightening up. Because that movie eased me a bit. I'm not some weirdo freak just because being bored enough makes me want to hurt myself. The protagonist of that story also felt something similar!
And then I scrolled through Tumblr and had the thought of "Imposter Syndrome is your opp" to the transid folks. I think because around here I wanted to dissociate but had realized that what I was experiencing probably was dissociation already.
And finally, I watched a Ted Talk on YouTube that just spoke to this hurting angry tired part of me
It spoke to the part that said "It hurts! I am hurting! I tried so hard to be okay, but it didn't work! I'm tired."
Because it felt like that video said "I see you. You don't have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. You don't have to pretend that it's not exhausting. You can do less."
And this video is what brought me out of my crisis.
And I'm realizing all the pressure I've been putting on myself. To change and get better and be okay and do all these other tasks that I already find difficult. To be perfect.
And the way to crumble this false sense of perfection that was clearly overwhelming me was to do something so utterly imperfect that I couldn't ignore it.
So this is the method I said I wanted to make. It's tailored towards my fellow neurodiverce shifters. I have ADHD and can find calming my brain to focus on just affirmations or similar for a lot of methods either hard, or it results in falling asleep to quickly for even an asleep method! So I wanted to create a method that could be used on it's own, or easily combined with other methods as well.
Before you start this method, we've got one 'pre-method' thing to do. Saturate your brain with stuff about your DR. Watch or read content that exists in this reality of the one you're shifting to. Until it's basically all you can focus on. Then you're ready to start the main part of the method!
Get into a comfortable position. Laying down for sleep method, sitting up for awake. You could also start with sitting up and lay down during the method.
Next close your eyes.
Start thinking about your DR. Whatever first comes to mind works, but I recommend starting with thinking about what you're doing when you first are conscious of that reality.
Start going through what all you'll be doing, every detail you can picture. If visualization is hard for you, focus on telling yourself what you're doing and seeing as if you're actively doing it in the moment.
I recommend using what are technically affirmations while doing the previous step. Things like 'I have a lot to do', ' I wanna go see my friends', 'I have to meet up with (person from DR) to go (random activity)'. Anything you'd normally say to yourself to keep your focus on what you're doing and need to do.
Continue to do this as long as you like or are able to focus your thoughts on it.
When your thoughts start to drift to something else from your DR, let it happen. Dive head first into the new thought and fixate on it. You don't have to stay focused on the moment you're going to gain consciousness there. You and the universe already know. Allow the changes in your thoughts. Fixate on each new one as they come.
If something not related to your DR comes up, twist it to fit your DR. That idiot driver who cut you off comes back to mind? Well now you're telling your s/o or friends about them and they're reacting to the situation.
Continue doing this until you fall asleep or shift.
I rarely think about other people and I have little to no attachment or connection to others. I don’t have people in mind. I rarely miss people. I don’t think “I wonder how X person is doing.” I will almost completely forget X person exists until they message me again.
too many stories about turning yourself into a monster as a metaphor for pretending to be something you aren't and losing yourself in the process. not enough stories about turning yourself into a monster as a metaphor for choosing to openly embrace yourself even if it's strange to other people