Addiction and Recovery

EVERYONE is addicted to something. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Gambling. Pain. Adrenalin. There's a vice for everyone. What's yours? Can we recover?

[just-shower-thoughts]

Prince Phillip looks like he is waiting for the Queen’s permission to die.

[cryptikfox97]

the only time I was ever sexuality attracted to harry potter was when he used the cruciatis curse on amucys carrow for spitting at Professor Mcgonagal

[just-shower-thoughts]

Parents who refuse therapy for their child probably also need therapy.

[cryptikfox97]

So Ive just discoverd theres an entire genre of people on Tumblr who sexualize methamphetamines... and while there is a little bit of intrigue there, overall I am disgusted appalled and Confused. No matter how God I never advertised it to people outside of my circle. I was ashamed of it. I'm not saying that there's a right way or wrong way to feel about it, I'm just saying that the idea of glorifying and sexualizing people being methed out ... bizzare and honestly wrong.

[albusplumbledor]

Aw love this! Thank you so much man 😊🌻

[cryptikfox97]

With a history written in Blood and a Legacy carved in Stone, There is no greater will to survive than that of the Irish

I am a 7th gen Irish-American, and I have a deep burning pride in my Irish roots.

But, everything that I know about the hardships of my ancestors, other than the potato famine, I learned after graduating high school. It was a song called "Far Away Boys" by Flogging Molly that enlightened me to the strife of Irish immigrants building the railroads, that the Workforce on the Pacific Union Railway comprised mostly of Irish immigrants. I was taught all about the civil rights movement, African-American slave trade, the persecution and genocide of native Americans repeatedly year after year. I knew nothing about the abuse of the Chinese and Irish railroads until I asked my dad what the song was talking about. He told me that its estimated that there are 2 dead Chinese workers and one dead Irishman for every mile of the Union Pacific railway. Why didnt I learn this in school?? We celebrated Saint Patrick's Day with green and pinching and leprechauns and adults use it as an excuse to get wasted "like an irishman", but we never learned about what real Irish heritage is, we don't have a day to celebrate being Irish, and nobody understands why we want to, because our history isn't widly taught inn America.

I don't know if I can call it erasure, I feel like I'm not allowed to be offended by my ancestors toils being disregarded. Why cant I? Why is my heritage ignored? I think I know why and it makes me sick, because... well... we're white, and if I am offended because my hetritage isnt deemed important, I will be accused of racism, or accused of 'white pride '. If I'm wrong about that, please correct me. Im not a racist, i dont think I'm beret than you and its not mt complexion i have pride in. I dont want royalties, I dont want apologies, all I want... is for my proud ancestors to be known foe what they were, a resilient, strong people who could survive anything. Not drunk little midgets with a cussing problem. I want my heritage to be celebrated too.

[cryptikfox97]

Well, I'm incredibly sleep deprived and exhausted and my brain kind of feels like mush. But I have something I wish to express, so I'm going to do my best... There are emotions that I have that I don't understand. I cringe when I see PDA between strangers, but it makes me feel really good when my partner shows PDA. Deep down I know that I'm a beautiful person, but I don't feel like it. Like, I've had a lot of people various genders ages and sexualities tell me that I'm beautiful so it musty bee true right? Even if I can't see it, there's too many people who have expressed that opinion could just be a coincidence whether I see it or not. Im really not sure how to put it, and I hope someone understands me. I feel like... Im almost jealous of girls on Insta who's partners fad them up and taker stunning pictures of them, or even girls whoa partners who take racy, sexy pictures of them just for themselves. I want someone to prove that I'm beautiful. Is that... selfish? or.. normal? Please tell me I'm struggling im my own mind.

[itimetraveller]

No need to be stressed ! You will figure your life out ! You will end up having a loving home , a loving partner and anything you desire ! Go with the flow ! Don't give up ! Universe got your back ! Universe will reward you with abundance and love !

[cryptikfox97]

Thanks. I wish it were that easy tho. It's even worst when you attain all of that... and then watch it all fall down around you because of your own stupid choices. Then, it's not even like you can pick up the peices of your life and start over, no no no. When you left 'the nest' your parents sent you out with biryh ferry in the ground, level zero. But when you build up and lose it all, you start over at level -100. Whereas before you built from the ground up, now you're starting with the basement foundation. Its twice as hard, but if you manage to succeed.... Its twice as rewarding.

[cryptikfox97]

------ TRIGGER WARNING----

Talks about drugs, drug abuse, addiction, etc

So, one of the only things that makes it hard for me to quit smoking meth is the increase in my artistic ability. Dont get me wrong, I can match my skills sober* with when I'm spun out, but it takes much longer and I'm way quicker to rage quit when theres not an influx of amphetamines forcing me to hyperfocus till it turns into a hyperfixation. When Im sober, I can sit down, and complete an absoluely sublime peice, I used to paint canvases for my friends and family for gift giving functions. But when I get gek-ga-geek-geek-geetered** not only can I complete the same nine hour project in a quarter of the time, I can focus in on small details that would usually dishearten and infuriate me, and of course there's the dopamine dump that comes with smoking meth and results in my unbridled enthusiasm and pride in said peice.

On top of Adult Stage ASL & ADHD, Im also diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and Schitzophrenia -among other things- (I know, I know, with that in mind I should have never even picked up a bubble). So, whenever I go into a depression, I lose all motivation, my patience with mistakes, and wordy of all: my Muse.

I lost my Muse originally about a year before I started using Meth. My first apartment was plastered with my art, but I hadnt been able to add anything new for a long time. Then about six months afterI stated using Meth, one of my friends (also an artist) started to bring his art supplies when he'd cone to get high with me. And so my "Tweaker Thing"*** became my art. I began to have inspiration again, I'd get excited for a fresh bubble not just cause i was gonna get high, but because I'd become inspired, and motivated to make something beautiful.

Its hard to find the motivation to create art anymore, and Art is my passion. So, I guess in the end my point is: Its really difficult to permanently stop doing this drug, not only because it madness me feel good physically, but because for over two years I've used it to fule my passion, to motivate me to do what i love, and I haven't figured out how to replace Meth with a healthier motivational tactic.

Here are two pieces that I've done. I was spun for one, sober for the other.

Left: I was high on meth. It took me ~6 hours to complete, to this day one of my favorite.

Right: I was sober for this one. Its a few years older than the left one, it took me probably over 12 hours to complete.

(Footnotes)

*To clarify, I will never be "sober" as I Medicate with marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms, but my goal is to make them exclusionary

**Humorous Slang for being high on meth and related drugs

***Most "Tweakers" have a thing. For my ex-feonce it was computers. Programming, hacking, building, etc. For me, it was creating art and playing Skyrim.

[just-shower-thoughts]

Sharing a WTF look with a stranger is one of the most intimate moments you can have

[cryptikfox97]

Very true. Only time i willingly met a strangers eyes.

[darlingdebblogs]

I'm on the 9th step in NA and I feel like I'm not making any progress. I'm able to be forgiven. Any suggested advice welcome.

[cryptikfox97]

I know how you feel. I quit going to na, because discussing my addiction on the daily with a bunch of people while very therapeutic and helpful, it still made it hard for me to stay clean. It still felt like my life revolved around the substance I was addicted to even if I wasn't doing it. So I stopped going to stop thinking about it and quickly found myself clean for over a month, yeah I'm still having issues staying clean right now, and if your court ordered to go to na there's not much you can do about it, but everybody's recovery is different. You just have to find a method that fits you best

[cryptikfox97]

It took a lot of thought and effort to not just write "HELP ME" on the blog description. I struggle with addiction every day off my life, even now, about two weeks ago (after struggling to get and stay clean for over a year now) I made the concrete decision im my head that I wasn't gonna do my HDOC (hard drug of choice) anymore. I decided to stick to weed and psilocybin. But here I am, activly getting high on the very thing that I *actually* do not want to do. In my heart, I want to say no. But I didn't. How did I get through this? Does the urge to fulfill your addiction ever go away? Will there be a day when someone will offer me a bubble, and I can in full confidance smile, and just say no? I want to be able to decline, with no toxic voice in my head getting angry, with out any second thoughts or regret. Can I go back to not wanting it? Or am I cursed to be addicted the rest of my life?

NA didnt work. I'm not bad enough for rehab to be effective. Distancing myself and cutting ties doesn't work in a shit hole town there every other resistance is a trap house. Please, if you have any advice for me, or anyone else who is struggling as I am, help. And if you're struggling too, reach out, there are people who feel like we do and can help.