was supposed to have been in bed an hour ago but i CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT KIRU ATHMAZA
specifically like. dazhis. did she know him? she must have - he knew cala seemingly well, and cala knew kiru well enough to vouch for her to the emperor. dachenmaza is a rank held by very few people so she must have been familiar with him. familiar enough to smile at him in the hall, maybe? familiar enough to sit with him at dinner, to pass the salt?
she wanted the role of nohecharis but was passed over because she was a woman. they bring in a new emperor - a skinny ragged boy of 18 - and she is passed over again. instead they pick cala and dazhis, who are a solid 15 years younger than her. does she resent that? or does she rededicate herself to her service in the hospital? the service for which she swore herself to celibacy?
and then the news: treachery. a coup. an attempted assassination by the boy she used to smile at in the halls. shock and horror and a kind of mass shame that seeps into the very fabric of the athmaz'are
but beside the shock and horror... hope? some sick seedling of hope, of the kind of ambition she has not allowed herself to nurse for years?
with dazhis gone, the emperor will need a replacement nohecharis. and there are no more dachenmaza to volunteer.
finally, after two decades of service, the adremaza comes to her to ask her to consider the position that she has wanted all along. but he asks her to conceal her gender, to which she says "you're stupid" but agrees anyway
the emperor sees through her in literally 30 seconds, which— well, it's unprofessional to say "i told thee so" but whatever, she's never really concerned herself with that stuff
the adremaza stammers and stumbles over his words but tells the emperor essentially "kiru is your last option"
and kiru cuts in and says "serenity you are my last hope"
she says "we have been in service to csaivo for as long as you have been alive but we have been passed over again and again. you are rumoured to be the kind of emperor who lifts up those who have been passed over. we would serve you if you would have us"
the emperor accepts. is she happy? is she triumphant? does this feel like the end of a chapter or the beginning of a new one? we're not told
she's paired with a shaken 20-something year old guy who is visibly traumatized from his last encounter with a dachenmaza - the same dachenmaza she used to rub shoulders with, the same one who is slated to die for his crimes, the same one to whom she owes this one perfect shining chance that she has been angling for her whole life
and then the emperor goes to the mazan'theileian
en route kiru tells him - this nervous teenaged boy to whom she's pledged her life - all about the maza. is he listening? maybe a little. maybe it's in one ear and out the other. she tells it to him with no expectation of response. probably just to save them both from the loaded silence that dogs their footsteps. telimezh certainly isn't about to make conversation
the emperor sees dazhis. dazhis apologizes in tears and snot and begs the emperor to come and watch his revethvoran. kiru stands behind the emperor and watches the boy she used to know and says nothing
and then the emperor agrees to watch him die, which means kiru has to watch him die as well
the emperor meditates. maybe kiru does too
and then they both stand, watching silently as dazhis kills himself
does it feel like the culmination of everything she's worked her entire life for? is it stained by dazhis's treachery, by the knowledge that if he had been loyal she would never have had this chance? can she celebrate, knowing that a boy had to die for this? a boy she knew? does she feel guilty for feeling glad? kiru athmaza WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD
