the silent notes

[ctcavazos]

It's been a while since I have posted a cello video clip. So here you go! Really been enjoying my new space to be able to create without much setup. Makes it much more likely I will do more and more! #cello #cellistsofinstagram #acousticcello #strings #cellist #seattlemusian #studio #bedroomstudio #cellovideo #cellolayer #looping #celloloops #cellolove (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKVB91AljJQ/?igshid=1oqkq0brnvrta

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I am afraid of discomfort, pain, and change. Even with all these happening so much in my life, especially recently, it still scares me. For so long I have been chasing an answer, an idea of fulfillment, and a time where there is no more struggle. I have been searching for a cure. I have begun to come to terms and accept that I may never "figure" it out. My illness is a disease and it will never truly go away. Life in general will always have struggle, will always have pain. This realization is important but I also can't let it defeat me. I have lived with this illness, with this struggle, all my life and some days I just want to give up. But the more I accept and live with it in harmony, the more it becomes manageable. Some people think I am nuts for this, but I really enjoy submerging in cold. The feeling is terrifying at first, it requires acceptance. Once I stop fighting the terrifying shock and accept it, the better it feels. It becomes exhilarating and I feel alive. I feel like I can conqure anything. The cold, in a lot of ways, represents that discomfort, pain, and change. There's days where it seems impossible, but I can and will live with it in acceptance. #wimhofmethod #mentalwellness #mentalillness #mentalhealth #coldtherapy #acceptance #change #overcomingfear #bipolardisorder #schizophrenia #depression #livingwithmentalillness (at Pritchard Beach) https://www.instagram.com/p/CJHtzldMuXu/?igshid=npvxjahhmnwh

[ctcavazos]

Went to a socially distanced farmers market today. ⛺ First time in over a year. Felt so strange and exciting, like I was going out to a fancy event. I actually wore pants! 😆 and got some good looking veggies 🥕🥬🌽🍄 (at University District Farmers Market) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIttQifJSR2/?igshid=q1fu05s5zw39

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My dreams have shifted from a life of fame and luxury, to a life where I can inspire and give voice to the voiceless. More important than anything in my career, is the people with me right here and now. And that is you 💜🦋❤ https://www.instagram.com/p/CH8_hNVJOKW/?igshid=10k5ktuowbqt1

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Smoking cigars and playing cello. Some things never change. 🧐😈🤴🏽 When your childhood is built upon community and a love for art and music, life continues to grow on a canvas of joy. #family #musicislanguage #community #home #idahome #builtuponmusic #boise #thecavazos #growingupinthe2000s #cello #sharingcigars (at Boise, Idaho) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHjLEyLJLLj/?igshid=b724idiv9jhl

[ctcavazos]

I often have to remind myself that resting isn't doing nothing, that my feelings are valid, that making it through the day is an accomplishment in it's self. There are people that can help me understand my emotions and circumstances, but ultimately, I know what I need most. #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #bipolardisorder #schizophrenia #determined #deppression #anxiety #loveformyself #seattlemusican #sewardpark #mountrainier #clearday #restday https://www.instagram.com/p/CHZJkpnJazX/?igshid=1nwpukldi5e56

[ctcavazos]

Last night, I had one of the roughest nights I have had in the last 10 years. I had an anxiety attack that lasted over 5 hours. It was as if I was caught in the undertow of crashing waves. Every 10-15 seconds, a wave of crushing pressure would wash over my body and my muscles would tense up, as if I was lifting 200lbs. It was crippling, exhausting, and terrifying. I can't identify why this attacked happened. I have been doing really well and I am the healthiest I have ever been. I believe my body was physically exuding some underlying and unaddressed anxiety. A lot has been going on. My grandpa passed away, from Covid, about 2 weeks ago. And although I feel like I have been processing and grieving in a healthy way, there might be unresolved turmoil about his passing. We are in the middle of a pandemic and the distancing is so rough. I was able to celebrate my birthday with a few friends and family last weekend, but there was still physical distance between us. Physical touch is my love language and having a mask and 6 ft of distance still feels isolating. A huge election is coming up, and it's easy for me to feel defeated. Injustices persist and change is slow and not enough for marginalized communities. This picture is of this morning, me trying to smile. I survived an amazingly difficult night. On the surface. I am smiling and I am happy. But there is so much to deal with. Everyday is a fight for sanity, happiness, and success. It's exhausting and my body is tired. For anyone not knowing why they find so much stress and anxiety, you are not alone. Things in your life may be fine and even great, but it's still normal to deal with stress and anxiety. I have been giving myself some slack today and finding rest. I have a long ways to go, but trying my best to put one foot infront the other. https://www.instagram.com/p/CG8mAgfpcVr/?igshid=11jf8vs4zkhfa

[ctcavazos]

In less then a week I turn 30. I try not to age with expectation that things will be better or worse, I try, simply, to experience things as they are. That does not mean I cease to aim for big goals and work to improve myself. About 6 months ago, I was at a point in my life where I was ready to deeply focus on my mental and physical health. I worked to develop good habits of physical wellness and ended up losing 40lbs. The biggest part for me was setting up a network of support in mental health outside of my friends and family. For so long I leaned on my family and friends to hold me up through rough times. That weight is a lot to bare and didn't always work despite their selfless efforts. Some things shouldn't be a loved one's responsibility and are beyond their capabilities. I sought out a psychiatrist and a counselor. I set up doctor appointments and a physical therapist to work through my pain. I am fortunate to have access and insurance to these services. Everyone should have access and be covered for these services! It was my goal to step into my 30s as my best and true self. I really feel like I have accomplished that goal. Material, monetary, and professional success have little to do with one's happiness. What's important to me is that I am true to myself and treat myself like I treat those around me. That's bringing me more happiness than I could ever hope for. . . . #bestself #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #wellness #30s #dirty30s #mentalillness #conqueringfear #truetoonesself #seattlemusian #physicalwellness #kingyoungblood #cellistofinstagram #musicandlife (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGamaxBpnTe/?igshid=49thdhdwuzak

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Just needed to put my ear to my instrument and get lost in the music. . . . #guitarriff #fingerpicking #eflat #seattleguitar #kingyoungblood #mentalillness #mentalwellness #meditateandlove #lostinthemusic #frequencyhealing (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEc4oA2JYW3/?igshid=dzon1zmsn71l

[ctcavazos]

Me and @ssanborn's 2 year wedding anniversary is coming up on the 27th. The day I married her, I didn't know how I could love her more than I did then. It felt impossible, but each day after it grew. Through so many bumps, valleys, and mountains high, that love continues to grow. The more time spent with her further shapes and defines, like a painting with so many beautiful imperfections and color, a picture that spreads past emotion. It has, and is becoming, a tangible source of life that cannot be explained with words. Moments of support, moments of laughter, moments of pain, moments of joy, moments of anger, moments of silence, moments of silliness, moments where you look into each other's eyes and see an ocean of life, all harmonize into a unique and precious love. I look back with fondness and look forward to each and everyday of further building and discovering that love. (at Lake Union, Seattle) https://www.instagram.com/p/CC98L81pQvZ/?igshid=ifafewlce203

[ctcavazos]

I am incredibly honored to be part of this event. If you are in the area, please come and be prepared to hear amazing stories and music. Bring a notepad because we'll be learning too! If you can't make it, look out for a live stream @kingyoungbloodmusic #seattlemusic #blmseattleevent #chaz #defundthepolice #defundspd #rally #protest #seattlerally #seattleprotest #teachin #speach #notepad (at CHAZ - Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBaEh4IpHAZ/?igshid=193iqh47i4f19

[ctcavazos]

I love being part of @kingyoungbloodmusic and all we stand for. Intersectional, loud, a driving force, unapologetic, and activists for mental health and social justice, we are here to amplify unheard voices and fight for justice. 📷:@chasefade #kingyoungbloodmusic #holdyourcrown #opaque #seattlemusic #altrockcello #activists #unapologetic #intersectional #loudvoice #amplifymelanatedvoices #socialjusticemusic #mentalhealthadvocate (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBPMQgIn3_x/?igshid=1u6n40ymv10b4

[ctcavazos]

at Seattle, Washington https://www.instagram.com/p/CA3RFY6pmrF/?igshid=1onnvaq4j9p9

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Found this gem. My dad makes the best Elvis Presley impersonator and I have been mean mugging since age 6 🤣 #memories #elvispresleyfans #meanmuggin #fathersonduo #thecavazos #1990sstyle #kidrockstar #foreshadowing (at Boise, Idaho) https://www.instagram.com/p/CALhA9BHGpS/?igshid=1ntgp37s1zhxi

[ctcavazos]

Cinco de Mayo, made popular in the USA by Chicano civil rights activists, represented the feeling of "triumph in the face of overwhelming odds and adversity." It was meant to celebrate and give hope to Mexicanos and Chicanos that our culture lives on. It is hard to celebrate that today, with the appropriation amd commercialization of the holiday, and most importantly because of the hundreds of thousands of families being oppressed at the boarder and within our country. It seems hopeless. But I continue to celebrate my heritage and what we have and will overcome. If you choose to celebrate Cinco de Mayo tonight, I encourage you to acknowledge Mexican and Indigenous culture, what we have overcome and the adversities we continue to face. Join us as allies to celebrate this beautiful and vibrant culture. #mexicanos #latinx #cincodemayo #adversity #celebrate #cello #cellosolo #cellistsofinstagram #improvisation https://www.instagram.com/p/B_1JJrApXw9/?igshid=15sud140eocgh

[ctcavazos]

2019 has been a pretty incredible year for me. Going on a honeymoon in Thailand, teaching, snowpocalypse, touring, having 3 to 4 shows a week with @kingyoungbloodmusic, hikes, DnD, indoor skydiving, and seeing family in Boise and Stanley ID. On top of all that, I have learned to let go of self doubt and negative self talk. Cheers to another great year! https://www.instagram.com/p/B6wChkjJ5Yj/?igshid=10aq5cr4aljwy

[ctcavazos]

I feel so honored to be part of this amazing organization #holdyourcrown with @kingyoungbloodmusic! To lead and use my platform to break stigma on mental illness has been a long term goal of mine for a long time. Follow the movement and stay tuned for an awesome journey of mental health awareness! (at Seattle, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6J5bPMptMG/?igshid=1bcuk99uswduu