//ALL CAPS ALTON//

and the bidding will start at 500$!

[porterr-robinson]

[meanplastic]

this iconic, legendary woman just taught me how to fill a bucket with ice water. I’ll never get over it

[tedallen]

pablanos

[tedallen]

[wulfums]

(Bobby voice) Hey Giada look! I turned myself into a pablano! Im pablano bobby!!!

[tedallen]

Every time a chopped contestant mentions that they’re gay they show Ted nodding

[pinchofkoshersalt]

A younger Alton and an older Alton - different, yet still the same. 

[foodnetwork-fandom]

3 of a kind

[twinklepickle7]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

[dragontonic]

My dream is to be an editor for Chopped because you get to take mundane criticism and add that scary music and some camera changes and boom the audience feels like someone was brutally murdered

[foodnetwork-fandom]

“this fish is …” (knife slashing sound) “underseasoned” (quick cuts to contestant with mouth hanging open, other contestant smiling smugly, then to the judge staring grimly)

[outofcontextfoodnetwork]

[kyrstin]

hear me out: a cutthroat kitchen-type contest for fanfic writers. contestants are given a different trope to write each round. sabotages include making an opponent write in first person, requiring them to write in a particular AU, making them incorporate the opening structure of my immortal. alton brown looks over your shoulder while you write the smut.

[zygomafantasy]

Oh, god.

@bipolar-berry-crunch

[anotherjen]

A grab bag of horrible euphemisms are on the table, you bid for the privilege of being the only author allowed to use “cock”

[berlynn-wohl]

You only get to use the character’s names and/or their pronouns once for every 1000 words. Beyond that, you must say “the taller one,” “the detective,” etc.

[fifteen seconds before you’re eliminated] “So this is a, sort of a, rustic, deconstructed high school bodyswap fake relationship fic…”

“I was so psyched to write my Fuck Or Die fic! I immediately picked up symbolic flowers, a prostate massager, and the dog they would adopt together…and then I realized – I totally forgot the aliens to make them do it.”

The most brutally sabotaged contestant ends up writing something so bad it becomes the most famous fic in all of fandom, forever. No one remembers who actually won the contest.

[thigm0taxis]

I’ve never seen Cutthroat Kitchen so I keep picturing this as Chopped instead.

“Today I have prepared for you: a PWP appetizer with a Fluffy frosting, in the Crossover style, with an accompaniment of glazed Orbs.”

“I’m gonna win this for my subscribers, because they’ve always believed in me, and *sniff* I know it would mean so much to them to see their Kink take home the prize…”

“Unfortunately, the judges felt the Angst and the Crack in your entree round did not really meld, and the plot didn’t seem fully cooked. Additionally, in the dessert round, you lost track of where your protagonist’s hands were during the smut. It’s for these reasons you’ve been Chopped.”

[eye-of-orion]

you lost track of where your protagonist’s hands were during the smut

[justira]

@sevdrag

[scott-conant]

[pinchofkoshersalt]

These look like posters for a weird martial arts/romance movie.

[drinkableburrito-deactivated201]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

[drinkableburrito-deactivated201]

[rosevalntne-blog]

an episode of Chopped where the basket ingredients are all viewers’ Depression Meals™

[frogmp3]

your ingredients are…… a pack of gum; a liter of pepsi; saltines; and a two pound bag of swedish fish

[superstorm16]

who, i ask, who will rub my meat?

the big bbq cook off is tomorrow and i still havent finished peeling potatoes for my world famous potato salad my meat still has to be smoked for at least ten hours. i really fucked my timetable, i needed the meat drippings for my bbq sauce, now it wont have the full flavor profile i was looking for. ill never be the next food network star at this rate. alex guarnaschelli is disgraced. scott conant hates me and my red onions, ted allen just told me to pack up my knives and leave, i am not the next chopped champion. somewhere alton brown whispers “bad eats”

[foodnetwork-fandom]

where am i

[softplop]

Episodes of Beat Bobby Flay where Bobby Loses

season 1: episodes 1, 4 season 2: episodes 2, 5, 9, 12 season 3: episodes 4, 8, 11 season 4: episodes 1, 5, 6, 11 season 5: episodes 2, 6, 10, 12 season 6: episodes 2, 6, 9, 10 season 7: episodes 1, 5, 6 season 8: episodes 1, 5, 8, 9, 12 season 9: episodes 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 season 10: episodes 3, 6, 9, 11 season 11: episodes 1, 4, 8, 12 season 12: episodes 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10 

source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_Bobby_Flay

[foodnetwork-fandom]

doing the lord’s work

[ladyreyreigns]

Do you remember that time Cutthroat Kitchen featured a spreader bar

[foodnetwork-fandom]

[458645986867685-deactivated2018]

wyd after smoking this

[458645986867685-deactivated2018]

[extremelycursedimages]

My gf said my cheese and syrup sandwiches are Cursed, are they

not to be rude but what the fuck is wrong with you