babygirl

[lexicanons]

Luca staying with Shane and Ilya for a few days while his place is being fumigated. He’s lying in bed when Hollanov’s sex sounds fill his room. Luca sends a video to the team group chat (the one without Shane and Ilya). It’s of him staring blankly into the camera. In the background, you can clearly hear Ilya moaning loudly. Luca is like ‘I can’t listen to Shane suck Ilya’s soul out of his body for the next 2 days. Can I stay with one of you?’ and Troy is like ‘You can come over and listen to me suck Harris’s soul out of his body’ and the other players respond with similar stuff like ‘You’re welcomed to listen to me fuck my wife’ and Luca remembers he’s a hockey player with money and checks into a hotel.

[hollanovarchive]

What about some high 🍃🍃 Hollanov stories?!?!?

YES!!! ABSOLUTELY!!! Give me all the high Shane Hollander heheheheheheehheheh 😈

High Hollanov

🏒 Boy, look at you looking at me | 1.9k

Shane smokes weed for the first time and has no issues with loving up on his husband in front of their friends

🏒 feels like i'm floating | 2.0k

“'Cause it's my first time,” Shane starts, clearing his throat and looking everywhere but at Ilya, “I looked it up, and some people online were saying that if you blow the smoke directly into my mouth, I think it's called, uh, shotgunning? Yeah…that it would help. Make it easier.”

🏒 Hard to Say "No" | 3.0k

 Ilya gets high and unexpectedly soft plus a bonus cat

🏒 420 friendly | 3.0k

shane and ilya smoke weed & get freaky

🏒 Shotgun | 3.0k

Ilya shotguns Shane

🏒 Smoke | 3.1k

Ilya's only allowed to smoke if he's shotgunning with Shane, it's a good compromise

🏒 we're getting high now (cause we're older) | 3.7k

Another heat bubbles inside. It starts at his esophagus, scratching and clawing at the thick walls as it slithers further and further down Shane’s body. It infects every vein in Shane’s quickly loosening body. He feels like a hazy memory, like Ilya dreamt of him and manifested him in his lap. He grips onto Ilya to remind himself that he is an actual living thing.

🏒 a thing that lingers | 3.9k

“Trying to get me high, Rozanov?” Shane had teased, and had to shoot a hand out to Ilya’s elbow when the other man’s brow furrowed infinitesimally. “Joking, I’m joking.”

🏒 Shotgun Express | 4.4k

Ilya and Shane get to try shotgunning and have stoned sex

🏒 You take me to bliss (never felt a love like this) | 4.5k

Ilya and Shane smoke weed together for the first time one hot afternoon in June at the cottage

🏒 C'mere Rude Boy | 4.7k

Shane has his first experience with recreational drug use and has a very very good time

🏒 Dream blunt rotation (Shane, Ilya and their bed) | 5.0k

🔒 Shane wants to try weed, and who is Ilya to deny his husband?

🏒 You want to get fucked by a gladiator, Hollander? | 6.7k

retelling of Ilya’s Halloween party and the aftermath from The Long Game.

🏒 fucking the weed man for weed | 8.0k

Shane meets the highly acclaimed Ilya Rozanov aka the text man, the weed man, and the fuck man

🏒 u and me at home | 9.0k

Shane gets high again, but this time it's on purpose, at the cottage and with Ilya

🏒 as high as i might (i can't get that high) | 10.6k

Shane Hollander accidentally gets very high. That's it, that's the fic

🏒 Free and Young and We Can Feel All of It | 12.3k

Shane Hollander is going to smoke weed. And then have high sex about it

🏒 sports car | 24.7k

When Shane mentioned that he would like to try weed, he expected Ilya to disregard it. Imagine his surprise when Ilya shows up a few weeks later in a fancy car with some surprises in the glove box

🏒 Pretty Boy | 26.3k

Hayden Pike is trying to look out for his recently heartbroken friend when he texts Ilya Rozanov, a known stoner, to ask if he has any edibles. What Ilya doesn’t expect, and what Hayden neglects to mention, is that this “friend” is none other than Shane Hollander, frat president and the guy Ilya has been agonizingly crushing on for months

🏒 blowback | 93.5k

Shane goes to a house party, gets high, then gets on his knees

If you have any suggestions, feel free to add (:

Make sure to check out other fic rec request here -> Requested Lists

[penandinkprincess]

i think i've posted this before, but ilya truly does deserve an award for his patience after getting woken up at fuck o'clock at the cottage for a five year plan strategy session when he was in the middle of a rem cycle.

like the way he asked "what is nur-ate-iv?" makes me think man TRULY was not catching all of the words getting tossed at him so fast the second his eyes were even a LITTLE open. like he wasn't asking "what story did you come up with?" he's asking "what word are you even saying to me right now?" man got like 0.2 seconds to be like "oh i'm awake now?" before he was getting PELTED with english because shane had a forty step plan that couldn't wait like. three more hours.

i would have hit him with a pillow and said let's circle back, so kudos to ilya.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.

[lavenderprose]

Things that are ACTUALLY in the Shane Hollander Mic'd Up compilation that we all wish we could watch through the portal:

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

- "Great goal. Great goal. Lyublyu tebya. Yes, baby, you did that."

[aromantic-diaries]

"everyone should get more aromantic" can appeal to tumblr's sensibilities but I genuinely think everyone should also get more asexual. I don't mean everyone stop having sex, what I mean is

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.

Anything can be sexual but not everything has to be sexual.

[chaifootsteps]

Firmly convinced the world would be a better place if we started treating sex the way we'd treat any other mundane preference in life, like what kind of chips a person likes to eat with their lunch.

[iressails]

Top 10* Heated Rivalry sexy times (A post that sent me to horny jail even in my drafts. Bonk! I guess.)

[outsidewolves]

[broken-horn-of-equius]

Is this about how ppl born in the late 20th century have a unique and fluid experience of navigating barriers to information access and its our responsibility to teach the younger folks how to tinker with technology to avoid being spoonfed everything we experience in order to have critical skills that keep us informed, autonomous, and able to hold power despite looming threats of authoritarianism or..........???

[bigbigtruck]

i love love lOVE the additional element of “the only information that’s free is the ‘how we’re going to hell’” BS. Chef’s kiss.

[icaruswar]

shane and ilya at their daughter's peewee hockey game, judging the FUCK out of the coach for roster mismanagement and mediocre in-game adjustments.

(they don't realise that this is a middle school annual tournament for kids and not the NHL playoffs)

edit: since you guys liked the tags so much;

[penandinkprincess]

i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.

[penandinkprincess]

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas

and ilya just "thirteen hours of labor, but worth every minute, yes?" as he puts his phone back looking SO fucking pleased with himself because he really at least 33% had them for a second

[leftoverspacedust]

heated rivalry show you will always be famous. budget so low the sex was explicit and the hockey was implied

[argillaforma]

shane: 🧍🏻‍♂️

ilya: hollander i need to fuck you so bad it’s not even funny

[shaneybby]

HOLLANDER V ROSANOV

... mma au anyone?

[heymacy]

it's so funny to me how scott and kip are drinking smoothies and buying novelty socks and moving at the speed of lesbians, meanwhile shane and ilya are stuck in individual saw traps but the saw traps are their minds and they forgot the instructions

[micromontage]

[sosaneitsinsane]

fall in love again and again...

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[beardedmrbean]

high quality noise collection