every time i talk to other adults around the same age as me, especially ones with solid social lives or children, i have this gnawing back-of-my-mind feeling that those are the real people and im just playing a pretend person. i can never get over this idea that i am not someone who is or deserves to get taken seriously by anyone in my life, im a young, short female who has never looked my age, i wear casual clothes, im not authoritative, i am stereotypically emotional, i have anger issues, and i have bad resting bitch face. and sometimes i get to this point where im like, okay, im going to reinvent myself now so i can change the way people think about me. ill get a whole new wardrobe and ill figure out how to be more friendly or be less blunt or whatever else and it always boils down to 1) if by now i havent learned how to do those things, im not sure i even have the capacity for that kind of change anymore, and 2) i generally like myself, and i didnt use to but without consideration to the way i am perceived by other people i do like who i am as an individual most of the time. sure i have bad habits or mannerisms id like to change about myself but im not some kind of easy going personable social butterfly and i really dont think theres anything wrong with that. but at the end of the day i think my personality is really just not well liked. people dont like bluntness, they dont like brutal honesty, people want you to sugar coat things and give the benefit of the doubt all the time and i am just not that person. and idk maybe in another decade of continuing to agonize over it ill get to a point where i can say fuck it , that i dont care about other peoples opinions anymore and i am who i am. but i am not at that point. and the older i get the more self aware in hindsight i am that my personality has driven people away when i havent even realized i was doing anything wrong. and earlier today i had the realization (as i do every few years) that i really dont talk to anyone on a day to day basis, i dont have friends i hang out with, i dont have friend groups i talk to, i barely have an internet presence, i havent had a significant other in like 6 years, i barely talk to my mother, i havent talked to my father in a decade, im not at all close with my siblings or my cousins, etc etc.
and some of that is out of my control - i was bullied as a kid and i never got any decent socialization because i felt alienated from what friends i did have, my mother sent me to a reform school when i was 15 because she didnt understand my mental issues which led to my estrangement from my siblings because i moved away, and i gave my dad probably a dozen too many chances before i couldnt tolerate his abuse any longer. so like contextually i know that all of this had a hand in the way i turned out as an adult, my trust issues and my inability to open up to people, my need to deflect from sincerity because strong emotions make me so horribly uncomfortable, my anger issues from spending my entire teenage years misunderstood and controlled. i know that a lot of this is a product of my enviroment but at a certain point i have to wonder whether this incompatibility i seem to have with my social group or my peers will ever be either less comfortable, forcing me to change, or more comfortable, allowing me to accept myself. but ive been stuck wating for the other shoe to drop for so long and im really, really tired of the way it feels. and its only gotten worse in the last few years because a couple years ago i started making alot of progress with my depression, so now, the less of my mental energy i have to spend wanting to kill myself all the time, the more space around me im now realizing is compeltely empty. like all this room i should have filled with being a good person and having a life and i just never did any of that, so now i am this lonely, stubborn, unfriendly individual who is never going to receive or understand real human connection. maybe one day ill get to this turning point like i did with my depression where i can clearly see the other side and know im on the recovery end of things but jesus christ does the journey suck even if thats the case
pixelskylines
2087
titsay
jbbartram-illu
vaporwave
