Insights of A Bipolar Rambler

Stories, opinions, ramblings, and rants on Bipolar Disorder and Alcohol Addiction.

[darie73]

TAKING CHANCES

I don’t think I’ll be putting myself out there again anytime soon.

This was too much for me. Now I’ve apparently been “ghosted” which has never happened to me before.

Another empty promise made.

I forgot how much all of this hurts and right now I don’t need it.

This will be my first Christmas without my Dad then on January 11th it’s my birthday but also the day he died. No much to look forward…

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[darie73]

'CAUSE I KNOW ALL YOUR VICES (Adult Content)

‘CAUSE I KNOW ALL YOUR VICES (Adult Content)

October marked my 11th year of not having sex of any kind. I was sick, tired, working, taking care of dying parents, sober, there are a million excuses. I really just didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

Fear of rejection, no self-esteem, and a constant feeling of not being good enough, all play their part as well. My body image could use a boost too.

I was 270 pounds for most of my adult life, going…

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[darie73]

OVERTHINKING

I will overthink everything.

Texts, normal conversations, life in general, how people see me, and do they like me, are the most common areas I have a problem with.

Overthinking causes stress, anxiety, depression, and fear. I’ve tried everything to stop it.

I will always think a situation is worse than it is.

I haven’t really made any friends here. After what happened the last time I put myself…

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[darie73]

MEN'S PERSPECTIVE ON TEXTING/MESSAGING

MEN’S PERSPECTIVE ON TEXTING/MESSAGING

The only people I’ve texted or messaged on a regular basis are my twin sister, and a few people on Instagram.

When a man I was interested in asked me to use Messenger through Facebook I was extremely reluctant. I’ve never had any positive experiences using Facebook. I was told it had changed and that it would be “fun”. Personally I didn’t find it fun at all.

When I can’t see a person’s…

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[darie73]

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES?

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES?

In case you didn’t know I have not dated in over 10 years.

I wasn’t really looking to when I moved to a new state but I met someone unexpectedly. Finding someone with the same sense of humor, taste in music, and is easy to talk to (in person), is rare for me. Looks have never been as important to me as laughing and a good hug is. That being said the man I met happens to be extremely attractive. I…

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[darie73]

Butterflies and Zebras

Well she's walking through the clouds, with a circus mind that's running wild.

The Beginning

When I began frequenting The Storm I didn’t notice you. Maybe it was the newfound freedom mixed with manic episodes that caused my eyes to continually scan the room, never resting on one person for too long.

I felt like I was starting my life over. I felt like I could breathe without my family there to “babysit” me or judge me. It was an amazing feeling. The people here were so…

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[darie73]

UNCOMFORTABLE

UNCOMFORTABLE~ I have never felt comfortable in my own skin, except when I'm manic.

Almost 3 months ago I moved to a new city and state. For someone like me this is a huge change.

I’m open about being Bipolar and my other diagnoses (Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder). I sometimes feel like I have to explain myself to people.

I don’t discuss having Chronic Kidney Disease too much because I have made decisions that some won’t agree with. I have a total of 38%…

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[darie73]

Normal

Normal, sometimes I wonder if I ever will be. I especially have a hard time when it comes to men.

About a month ago I moved to Florida from Rhode Island. I do love it here but I thought I would have more support. I don’t know anyone in the town I live in all my relatives are about 25-30 minutes away. Supposedly in Florida this is too far.

While looking for a place to live I was staying at a hotel on the water. It was convenient because a restaurant with a beautiful view was attached. I would…

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[darie73]

AGORAPHOBIA~ TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT AND LIVING WITH IT

AGORAPHOBIA~ TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT AND LIVING WITH IT

After spending a week in my state’s local psychiatric facility I realized I did need help and I needed to make some big changes in my life.

Unfortunately I wasn’t really given the tools or resources to deal with my biggest problems that have been preventing me from living the life I want to for a very long time.

I did what probably a lot of us have done and looked for some self-help books.

I’ve…

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[darie73]

IS IT A HALLUCINATION?

IS IT A HALLUCINATION?

I mistakenly thought my twin sister and I were on the same page. It turns out I was very wrong. This has caused a set back for me. I will no longer share anything with her. I don’t have many people in my life and find it extremely difficult to make friends. When you’ve had Social Phobia/Anxiety that went undiagnosed for as long as you can remember this usually happens.

My twin says she takes no…

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[darie73]

PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALS~ HOW MUCH HAVE THEY REALLY CHANGED?

    If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know that I had been having a hard time with the death of my Dad and my siblings. My Dad didn’t leave a Will and it was and still is causing a lot of problems.

I have a twin sister and a half brother who is 7 years older than we are. I believed he had been squatting on the property and breaking into the basement with his new girlfriend. My twin…

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[darie73]

THIS A TRUE STORY PART III~HOPEFULLY WITH A RESOLUTION

THIS A TRUE STORY PART III~HOPEFULLY WITH A RESOLUTION: I never thought my brother would take it as far as he did.

  My brother’s ex-wife was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in September of 2018. Their son took a sabbatical from college to come home and help care for her. My brother as usual showed no emotion, he got drunk and called family members late at night still complaining about a woman who was just told she had less than 6 months to live.

My brother managed to go to a Vocational School and learn…

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[darie73]

This Is A True Story- Part II

This Is A True Story- Part II

Where did I leave us? Oh, my brother.

My brother became a different person after that. He didn’t trust anyone, started smoking pot, drinking, and fighting. He also became a bully, fighting with everyone, especially our Dad. He was 13, 6 foot 3 and 200 pounds. My Mom was hospitalized twice during his teens due to all the verbal and physical fighting going on around us. The police knew exactly who…

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[darie73]

This Is A True Story- Part I

This Is A True Story- Every word written here is the truth as I know it.

My Dad passed away on my 46th birthday, January 11, 2019. He passed without leaving a Will or any instructions for what he wanted should he die. He did have a DNR and instructions for no feeding tubes. He was 112 pounds when he passed away.

Some of you may know how close I was to my Dad, for those that don’t I’ll tell you I never left home and he saved my life on more than one occasion.

I wasn’t…

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[darie73]

NIGHT NOISES

My psychiatrist is a nice man and I’ve had 2nd and 3rd opinions on my diagnoses which he encouraged, but sometimes I wonder if he stays up to date.

He suggested trying medical marijuana to possibly wean me off the Klonopin and sleep aid I take every night. We’re trying to save as much of my kidney function as possible so I don’t have to go on dialysis like my Dad. I miss him.

The doctor said he…

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[darie73]

BUT YOU'RE GONE

BUT YOU'RE GONE: I turned my head to ask you if you had seen the funny ad I just did. But you were gone. My heart immediately dropped to my stomach.

FIRST THINGS FIRST 

Why do people insist on putting a time limit on grieving? Or continuously ask you how you are but it sounds more like “Are you done yet?”. My best and possibly only friend of 35 years accidentally said out loud “How long has it been? Almost a month? Hmm…it’s close.” But I know her, I know she was doing her own equation on how to deal with feelings (eww). I do wonder how she…

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[darie73]

TOGETHER AGAIN

TOGETHER AGAIN: She went through so much to finally find the right person.

I haven’t been able to do much of anything these last few months.

In my last post I mentioned what I was going through with my Dad and his health.

On January 11th my Hero and Dad passed away. It was also my 46th birthday.

I’m not even sure what was put as his official cause of death. I had so many questions that no one was in a hurry to answer. My sister didn’t question any of it. I have to be…

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