To Keep My Sanity Intact @darkestrhai - Tumblr Blog

sans espoir

I think I am acting so desperate now. So desperate that I am getting ready to phone you or visit you instead. A hopeless case for me that I dunno a thing. But what could I do I am so restless now that I want to see you, hug you, kiss you and even make love with you. Ugh!

For a person who left you behind what would you do? Are you going to come after that person? Rather just stay and start forgetting since that person hurt you? I now believe that the person that can make you happy and complete is the person that can hurt you the most. Why? Because we love them. Simple reason but too complicated. In my situation where I am at now there is a fine line in between. Since I love that person I want to give myself a chance to see her or let's say even just a glimpse of her would make me happy. But what if that person wouldn't want to see me? What if that person already moved on? These are some of the questions I have in mind that would make me feel to just back off with the idea of seeing her. Nevertheless, I still wanna give it a shot. No matter what happens I want to know. If this is the beginning to an end or end to a new beginning? You may find me weird now because I write to much. I don't have someone to talk to that's why I kept on writing in here. Well, there's also one reason though and that is the person I love the most MIGHT be reading this blog because she knows it. See? I told you I'm a hopeless case. What should I do now? Is it a go so I won't have regrets? Is it a no so I won't get hurt with the result that I will get in return? Let the fate run it's course on me and now I decided, I'll do it tonight. I'll communicate with her. I'll talk to her. I am expecting worst already so I won't get hurt that much. Goodluck to me.

#Hoping

i besoin d'aide s'il vous plaît

No one knows what I am going through and I really don't want someone to know. I am trying my best to weight everything but nothing comes to life for me. I was stuck. I am like in a quicksand that slowly pulls me down. Feels like I'm a ticking bomb that will explode once I get to my time. My head is heavy because I kept thinking about things. I want to stop it but my head is working with my heart. They are united to show me what should be done. They are telling me that everything is gonna be alright soon. But I know for a fuckin' fact that I am not alright. I don't want to blame anyone because of what is happening to me. Because I deserve it. All of it. I have a lot of questions that I want the answers now but who am i to demand?

I am starting to have an issues with the people around me. I am starting to distant myself to the world. I want to be the best person I could be but now is not the right time for it. Trying to keep up with what is happening. I want to see things in a positive note while I am in this situation but hell it’s easy to say than done. I am in dire need of diversion. But that doesn’t mean I will forget you. That won’t happen to me. I am so into you that I was into a lot of things just to get a hold of you. Instead you choose to leave the battlefield. Nothing left for me but I am not blaming you. I don’t hold grudge on you because everything is my fault. I miss you so bad that I am in the cliff of seeing you now. Even call you just to hear your voice. But i’m fuckin’ scared if what’s gonna happen afterwards. For sure right now you are surrounded by your family and friends to support you on what you are going through. Am I starting now to accept that there is no us?

There was a quote that “IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE SET THEM FREE IF SHE COMES BACK SHE’S YOURS IF NOT SHE NEVER WAS” so you never was mine after all? I keep on convincing myself that our love was true. Yes, it was full of opportunities but is LOVE REALLY NOT ENOUGH?

God please give me a sign if this is the end for the both of us. I am crossing my fingers and hoping it’s not. But she decided already. What to do now? Should I give it a shot and see her one last time?

#TORN-ado

amour et la femme

Over the years of my existence I really don't know what I really want in life. Why? Because I like to do a lot of things and take them all down for me. I never knew that it's gonna be a decision that I will truly regret in the future. Someone close lemme realize to slow things down. That person also taught me to always think ahead. Start building your future. She also planted a good seed in my dark soul. She will do her utmost best to show her understanding even sometimes she don't. Support is abundant from her that you will rarely get to a person. How beautiful this person is right? You might see her walking on the streets singing or even dancing in an amusement center.It may show that she learned a lot from me but it's the other way around. Because the things that I learned from her are the things a person would cherish for the rest of their lives. And it's not an exception on my case,I am also included.

I'll stop from here for now headache is killing me again. I am still taking my medication. I really have lots of things to say about this person I want to share. But for now I'll stop here and rest. My body is tired but my mind would like to talk.

SOLUS

Little did I know everything was shredded in a blink of an eye. One good conversation ended with a sharp and painful wound to me. But this blog is not about that emotional dilemma where I am at now maybe later.

It all started December 18,2015 I had a fever, headache, body pain my left/right stomach and having hard time to pee of which I just took for granted. How great am I right? I know because I am like the know it all shit type. So what I did was NOTHING.

I didn’t feel queasy on December 19,2015. I felt the same since yesterday. My fever is frequent already and I am having hard time breathing. Temperature is so high that I think I could boil an egg on my armpit. In a normal scenario, a person must go to a hospital and seek assistance already but I didn’t do it. Instead I bought bunch of Paracetamol and Bioflu. Well, you must be wondering why now? Thinking like why this person is not doing anything about it.

Here’s the reason y’all. First, I hate to admit it but I don’t want my savings to be used for the medicine because it was intended for something else. Second, I need to work and the last thing that I need is to get sick. Third, I am considering a public hospital if in case that I would be confined which I dunno anything. Lastly, I am darn ALONE.

December 20-22, 2015 it was getting grey for me. Fever and sweat is all over me. I even had sleepless nights and empty stomach. It all started to strike in me maybe this is Dengue fever. But I still took it for granted and just kept on self medication. So stubborn am I?

In the early dawn of December 23, 2015 I finally convinced myself that I was really in a bad shape. I picked up my feet and went to that one place that I know would accommodate less fortunate people. I arrived at that hospital before lunch but the crowd at the hospital is like a needle in a haystack . I went immediately to the reception area and she asked me series of questions that shocked me. It was on some sort that ER is only open and she won’t accept me if my temperature was less than 38 degrees. I was skeptical at first but I don’t have a choice but to try my luck. After all the assessment that she did towards me, I was given a chance to join the long line of waiting to get inside. Sounds familiar to you? I waited for N hours just to meet the Doctor but I’m not complaining. When it’s my turn I tried my best to explain my case concisely to him. He asked me to do 4 different laboratory test right there and among them one is peculiar to me. WIDAL TEST?! The rest of the tests are okay. Since, it was a public hospital not all the tests are available. So I did the widal test on a separate clinic but close by to the hospital. I paid a good money for that test but I was able to get the result an hour after. I even used their loo and nap at the waiting area. There’s a bit of interview along the way on that clinic while I’m resting. The people in there asked me if whom am I with and why I am alone. Well, I answered them it’s only me no more no less and I am not sure if I smile because that time I was resting. It means headache and fever is striking me real hard so I need to stop what I’m doing. Finally, I got my results altogether I gave it to the doctor and i was disgruntled with my illness.

I was diagnosed with typhoid fever, anemia and acute urinary tract infection. That solves the puzzle in me. I was so wretched. I completely dunno what to do anymore. If you think it’s good now think again because I wasn’t able to find the medicines listed. I was able to complete the medicines last night December 25,2015. Oh yeah! You read it right. December 24-25, 2015 is an ordinary sick day for me. While everyone is on their festive mood with good food I am still feeling everything plus this illness eating me. It came to a point that I was crying because i am alone. I know there’ll be an answer to everything as to what is happening to me now but for now my goal is to get out of this sickness.

Today, December 26,2015 I was able to go to a computer shop to shell out everything that’s crawling in me. I am feeling a little bit dizzy again so I won’t stay long in front of this computer for now. I’ll go back to my cave now.

#SICK FEVER HEADACHE ANEMIA TYPHOIDFEVER

Wifey

Right now I am in the computer shop. Fuck! I am crying while I am fucking typing this. This is painful. Well, I am not ashame while crying in here but i am ashame of myself not doing the best. I already lost the only family that I have. I didn't know where to start now. Sad to say, the only thing that I have is myself. Well, I started to believe that there is God. Everything that happened to me is that what he wants. But why get the only person that gives me strength to live. Why get the person that I love the most. I hope I won't question you Papa Jesus and not get mad at you but this is extreme already. You already pulled the last straw in me. I dunno what to do anymore. I am so torn into pieces maybe even shattered. Where to go next? What should I do now that I don't have her anymore? What am I gonna do now that I have nothing? Fuck this!

#misery trouble

Burst

Before I thought, having a broken family is the worst thing of all. My father had an affair with another girl. My mother also had an affair with an old man. I even saw them fucking with each other. Aside from the fact, that me and my brother was beside them sleeping. I woke up with the noise that night that’s why I accidentally saw it.

When I grew up, I thought that I will never be like them. Things were different for me and a lot of things that I dunno a thing about. I never had any support with my parents and family. I trusted few before when I was younger but only 1 or 2 people showed a genuine care for me. All I thought it would last but when I was in secondary school came I was returned back to my mother.

You might be wondering why I am writing this. What is the relation to me now? I don’t even know myself. Things we’re really down for me today. Today, is one of the worst day ever just like the one I mentioned above.It’s the exact feeling I guess or maybe even worst. I feel like there’s a bomb ticking that anytime soon it would burst.

It’s still me alone. Only me, myself and I no one left for me. I believe in a way it’s my fault too. I let this thing happened to me. I allowed this to happen even I know for a fact what will be the outcome in the long run. I became a monster. I am worst than my parents. I would like to hate myself but I couldn’t because it won’t change anything neither help me. I must say I was never a winner after all. All the good things that I have before was completely eradicated.

I am always after with the goodness of everything. I always believe that I should make people happy. But now, I can’t see light anymore. The weather today is the same with what I feel. Dark, cloudy, cold , killed people and destroys people’s dreams too. I wish someday I could be at peace. But for now I should start by finding a job and make a living. This time I’ll make sure it’s gonna be me. Maybe I am born to be alone anyway so I’ll do it.

Just be alone so be it.

#FeelingAwful NoHope Alone NoOneLeftButME

Battlecry

It’s been 3 days since the last time that we talked and unfortunately it was a fight that I guess was unresolved until now. I am not talking to you because I was hurt to the things that you said to me. I know you too was hurt to the things that I said to you. I would like to apologize and ask for your forgiveness but I am too chicken to do it. Aside from that my prides still eats me.

Things were never the same since then. By the way, I’ve been dreaming on you for 3 consecutive nights already. I am not complaining or anything just so you know I am actually that I could still you in my dreams. You better not ask me what are we doing okay?

I am watching over you.

That’s all for now I am sleepy already and need to sleep because I’ll jog at 4AM. You take care always. Just text or call me and I’ll be there for you.

#LIGAYA SHELLBY POKEY TIP BABYGIRL

Just got UNLUCKY..

It’s been a long time that I had some serious incidents on the road. Well, last year I had a car accident and motorcycle too that I was able to recover in Papa Jesus’ grace. At dawn today, I was at Ortigas and waiting for a cab going home. You’re wondering why I am at Ortigas huh? I’ll tell you soon.

Going back, while I was waiting someone nabbed one of my phone. I could say it was the most precious and pricey (like some say) right now.

Bluntly, it was the first time that I brought that out in the open since most of the time it was sleeping in my home. But because of the game that I’m not going to share it to you sparked my interest I brought it over to Ortigas.

How lucky am I right? But it’s not done yet. I also bought a prepaid card and new sim card to use but unfortunately I was so stupid that I wasn’t able to use it properly and just waste it. I bet it’s because of me in a state of shock still. Last resort for me is to use my postpaid line instead. I’m not using it for a long time,but for me to communicate with the people I am close with I did.

So there, I dunno if it was an eye opening for me to take care of my belongings but I bet there is reason why it happened.

Surely, I am going to find out soon.

#GADGETSGALORE ACCIDENT

COMING SOON!

hey! lately I've been thinking about you. You've been part of my dreams too.Should I really see you? You hurted me too. I was in pain back then. I dunno now if everything that happened was right after all. Am I getting confused again? Geez, please give me a break! Earlier I was in the brink of getting to your place and now I am looking at your twitter just like old times. I wanna end this now for once and for all but I dunno if I have enough strength. But one thing though is for sure, we're never gonna be together no matter how much I like it to happen. There I said it and admit it to myself that I still have feelings for you. YES! it's you. Jesus! I have this battle going on for awhile now. I am torn again but this time it's getting stronger as time passes by because I am almost everyday near at your residence and I know at some point we are going to see each other again sooner or later.

Am I strong enough to face and talk to you?

What will say? Or could I even speak?

Let's see what happen. I don't want to interfere again to our destiny and fate. If it happens then it must be the right time or not. I'll just let fate run it's course.

#CONFUSED LOST LOVE

Shitty Feeling!

I never thought i'm gonna feel this shit again. God! I need a break from all of the office dilemma that i am facing right now. I am grateful enough that Misis is very supportive to me. All the things that I need were all provided with love and enthusiasm.

At work, I've been encountering a lot of pressure that I can't contain anymore. I do understand that they need my help and assistance but please they should know what they are doing since they're all been with the account for quite a while and they should be just in a minimal supervision.

Geez, I am also starting to be frustrated with some of them I will never forget this day that when I need help they decline and drop me like a hot potato. These past few months I've been fair to everybody and was never a bitch to them. Perhaps I should never showed my care and affection and just mind my own business from the very beginning.

It's getting to my nerves. I am not comfortable anymore to the treatment that I am getting. I was on my peak already and I think it's time to care less for them and focus to myself and Misis more. I am starting to regret why I was very open to some of them. Starting from tonight , I will distance myself to everybody and just care less. God forbid but I guess it's the right time. I sacrificed more than enough. THAT'S IT.

Furthermore , I was also in between of doing another mistake. Damn this head of mine. I know what and whom I really want and it's Misis but I know one way or another I need a proper closure to the other. Like for once and for all let's close this chapter and throw under the bridge then move on with our own lives. I still owe something to her. I am still thinking if I should pay it or not after all the money that I spent for her. However, it's not fair because the person is poor enough and I am the one who have more than enough and can't give it back.

I dunno know. Maybe because I am not paying it yet because at the back of my mind I would like to know that she is still thinking of me. I am really confuse and afraid because for sure if i'm gonna pay it most likely she'll forget me. Just thinking about it gives me a heartache.

Ain't right. Yeah, i know. But what should I do?

Sooner or later I know I should clear everything.

When is the right time?

#mixed emotions sentiments shitty