Looking For the Lighthouse

Trying to find Hope

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Just a little thought

Sometimes I don’t want to get better.

And I know. I know how awful that sounds. But surely I am not the only one who has allowed the darkness to become comfortable? Sometimes, happiness scares me. Because, to me, there is no happiness without fear of the next breakdown. I terrified and it gets closer with every breath I take.

So, sometimes, even though my illness hurts and destroys and makes me want nothing more than death, it is in a sick way comfortable. In it, at least, I know what is coming next. The pain and crying and numbness are familiar. But happiness? Something that feels good for more than a few minutes? I don’t get that. The unknown is terrifying to humanity. Peace and happiness are my unknowns. I don’t get them. I haven’t blazed that frontier hardly at all.

And I also am aware that it will be temporary, because mental illnesses are chronic diseases and you have really bad days and good ones. But the bad always returns. So does the good, I guess but I don’t know how to deal with the roller coaster. It’s simpler (not better, but simpler) to exist in a relatively predictable plain of suffering. So it’s not that I like being sick. I am just afraid of what health looks like.

[darkheadspaces-blog]

260 people so far relate to this. I wish nobody else felt like this, but honestly you guys, thank you for making me feel less alone

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

via @extramadness

[darkheadspaces-blog]

This crap is hard, but please know you are not alone and you can do this!

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Quick Thought

Yes, hello, depression is not emotion. Anxiety is not an emotion. Nor is any other mental illness. MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE NOT EMOTIONS, THEY ARE ILLNESSES. PLEASE STOP TELLING ME THAT IM JUST SAD. IM NOT SAD. IM A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN SAD. Thank you. That will be all for today.

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Going.

So. I know how it feels to lie awake wanting nothing more. Nothing more than dying. But I wrote this poem as a suicidal person to other suicidal people after experiencing the loss of someone to suicide. And there are nights I spend reading this and it doesn't make it easier. But it does mean I keep breathing. And every once in a while, I remember why I did. There is something beyond this pain. As of yet, for me, it has not gotten better, though I believe it will. But as of right now, there are only better days, and as of right now, they are enough because they must be. I hope this helps at least one other person. Here it is:

If you go

Perhaps the sun will rise

The morning after

Or perhaps it won't

The people who love you

They will not know

They will not look outside

They will not see past

The glass fogged by sorrow

As they misunderstand

And fail to comprehend

Wonder how to breathe

Forget they are breathing

Learn not to feel the ache

In their chest

And live numbly

So they cannot feel

The weeping willow

Growing in their heart

So maybe the sun will rise

But for all the people you left

Far too young and far too early

They will not see the sunrise

Without seeing your face

Or the sunset

Without remembering

And the stars will stand still to them

For in such violent leaving

It is not only yourself

You kill

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Forgiveness

Sometimes, I wish people would just say, "I forgive you," not, "it's ok." I am not stupid or fragile and I can admit mistakes that I have made. When people tell me that something I have apologized for is ok, I think they are saying that they don't forgive me. I wish they'd say that, too. I just want people to be honest. I just want to know honestly where I stand with people

[octoberisgone]

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Just (Another) Little Thought

You do not have to agree with someone to know persecuting them is wrong.

Regardless of your stances, it is your duty as a person to call people out for being cruel and do something about said cruelty. That person is first and foremost a human being, please help them.

Furthermore, just because someone disagrees with you, you have no right to slander them and accuse them of standing with radicals or bigots. Perhaps they don't believe in something you do. Perhaps you are conservative, and they are not: it does not make them a flag-burning psycho. Perhaps you are liberal, and they are not: it does not make them a racist bigot.

Stop using generalizations and disagreements to dehumanize others and justify your treatment of them.

See people as human before you see their stances. And remember that love is an act of courage, and hatred (no matter the reason) is an act of cowardice.

[naturaekos]

Reminder..

[darkheadspaces-blog]

A Reminder

Please don't kill yourself tonight. Please. I know all you can see right now is people better off without you. But all I see is a funeral home with too many cars in the parking lot. All I see is all the people who ever knew you, breaking down and crying. They will miss you. They will never forget you. And they will never stop loving you. There will be nights they lay awake and feel like they are losing you all over again.

And more than just everyone else missing you, don't kill yourself. Don't do it because you genuinely deserve more. There will come a time when laughter is possible without weight. Or, a time when you do something kind that will change someone else's life and your own. There will come a time when you adopt your first pet, name your first plant, finally figure out wtf your favorite food actually is. You matter. You have worth and value and importance.

Please, don't kill yourself. You deserve to live. It doesn't feel that way, but it's true. You deserve to live.

So please, for everyone else's sake and your own: stay.

[seedling]

it is actually really sweet when someone stays up late to talk to you

[theadjective]

I love when it’s raining, so quiet all morning.

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Petrichor

[bellahijadelaluna]

You’re not over exaggerating. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not too much. If it hurts you it fucking hurts you. If it makes you angry, then it makes you angry. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling.

[bellemused-moved-blog]

my soul feels sick and i wish i knew what to do

[naturaekos]

““I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.””

— Sara Keirsten Quin (via amargedom)

[darkheadspaces-blog]

Just a little thought

Sometimes I don't want to get better.

And I know. I know how awful that sounds. But surely I am not the only one who has allowed the darkness to become comfortable? Sometimes, happiness scares me. Because, to me, there is no happiness without fear of the next breakdown. I terrified and it gets closer with every breath I take.

So, sometimes, even though my illness hurts and destroys and makes me want nothing more than death, it is in a sick way comfortable. In it, at least, I know what is coming next. The pain and crying and numbness are familiar. But happiness? Something that feels good for more than a few minutes? I don't get that. The unknown is terrifying to humanity. Peace and happiness are my unknowns. I don't get them. I haven't blazed that frontier hardly at all.

And I also am aware that it will be temporary, because mental illnesses are chronic diseases and you have really bad days and good ones. But the bad always returns. So does the good, I guess but I don't know how to deal with the roller coaster. It's simpler (not better, but simpler) to exist in a relatively predictable plain of suffering. So it's not that I like being sick. I am just afraid of what health looks like.

[gravehop187]

Suicidal

No one is ever there when I need them. It’s not anyone’s fault it is almost 1am. I just want to self harm and I’m feeling suicidal. It will pass but it’s reoccurring.

[darkheadspaces-blog]

I relate. It is in the dark loneliness that my mind becomes a playground for the things I'm afraid of. But it truly does pass. Keep fighting.

[worldsinmywords]

november: snow like empty dawn, songbirds singing through the mantle of oncoming winter, the deep and ripe smell of coffee brewing, gold eyelet of a headlight circling some spot in the darkness