🔪Heaven Sent Motherfucker

...

[1percentcharge]

My favorite pirate joke is “why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at c” not because it’s THAT funny but because it’s a relatively simple joke that nobody ive told it to has ever correctly guessed the punchline for because they all think it’s gonna be a joke about arrrr

[1percentcharge]

Another classic is

“Why couldn’t the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck!”

For more hilarious pirate jokes like these go to google and type pirate jokes into the search bar and click search

[somarysueme]

Sorry for the double reblog I just wanted to let everyone know that I told the first joke to my dad and he hung up on me.

[sashayed]

solitaire is a holy pastime because it celebrates the restoration of heavenly order from chaos and the purification of the soul through alchemical marriage. candy crush is a luciferian snare powered by perpetual motion, (i hunch even more deeply over my escritoire, sweat audibly splatting on the parchment) which one must also respect

[cannibalchicken]

[mousidy]

"boys will be boys" is not true. boys will be girls

[bl0w-m3]

Nobody is afraid to lose me. I never mean that much.

[lostintheunicornland]

[lostintheunicornland]

[kosmogrl]

unstoppable force (wanting to be the kindest version of myself) vs immovable object (all the anger and hatred I have inside myself)

[fairycosmos]

does anyone miss the specific way that the sunlight used to fall over everything in childhood lol just kidding i am thinking about normal stuff like sending emails

[cannibalchicken]

[catbureau]

[steampunktendencies]

Smashed aluminum cans sculpted in porcelain to mimic Ming Dynasty motifs by artist Lei Xue.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

“i also choose this guy’s dead wife” was easily the #1 funniest thing to ever be written on the internet.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

you can know the punchline but you can’t stop it from punching you.

[mighty-meerkat]

i do also feel the need to add that phil8248 really liked the joke. he said his wife had always had a dark sense of humour, even about her illness and death, and seeing the joke made him feel like he was laughing with her one last time.

[neroushalvaus]

This was cute so I wanted to check out if this was true and found these:

Honestly I’m so happy that he and his children liked the joke.

[macleod]

Reblogging this version because some people in the tags were trying to make it seem like @mighty-meerkat​ was lying, who was not.

[dangerbabegang]

What to do if you suddenly find yourself homeless

FOOD

Find your nearest food bank or mission, for food

grocery stores with free samples, bakeries + stores with day-old bread

different fast food outlets have cheaper food and will generally let you hang out for a while.

some dollar stores carry food like cans of beans or fruit

SHELTER

Sleeping at beaches during the day is a good way to avoid suspicion and harassment

sleep with your bag strapped to you, so someone can’t steal it

Some churches offer short term residence

Find your nearest homeless shelter

Look for places that are open to the public

A large dumpster near a wall can often be moved so that flipping up the lids creates an angled shelter to stay dry

HYGIENE

A membership to the YMCA is usually only 10$, which has a shower, and sometimes laundry machines and lockers.

Public libraries have bathrooms you can use

Dollar stores carry low-end soaps and deodorant etc.

Wet wipes are all purpose and a life saver

Local beaches, go for a quick swim

Some truck stops have showers you can pay for

Staying clean is the best way to prevent disease, and potentially get a job to get back on your feet

Pack 7 pairs of socks/undies, 2 outfits, and one hooded rain jacket

OTHER

first aid kit

 sunscreen

 a travel alarm clock or watch

 mylar emergency blanket

 a backpack is a must

 downgrade your cellphone to a pay as you go with top-up cards

 sleeping bag

 travel kit of toothbrush, hair brush/comb, mirror

 swiss army knife

 can opener

[spork-of-humanity]

Reblog to literally save a life

[hipsandheartbreak]

if there is a Dollar Tree near you, they have entire food aisles

Planet Fitness also has $10 memberships. you can shower and they have free food days! pizza night 1st monday every month, bagel tuesday the 2nd tuesday every month.

[himynameisrollin-deactivated201]

Save a life reblog

[kukachoosays]

i am so glad that i renblogged this however so long ago. i saw this post and shared it with others in mind, but now i am the one who really needs this. id like to think of this as good karma i guess

[comrade-jiang]

also a good list if anyone ever needs to run away from home for whatever reason.

[postpunkindustrial]

MF DOOM's villainous Mac and Cheese recipe

[richardgoranski]

im literally so jealous like i feel actual anger over the fact that i was not there

[rylandgraces]

Train to Busan 부산행 2016 dir. Yeon Sang-ho