So it wasn’t true, that part about my social life being at the bottom of the barrel. In the last few weeks since I last wrote (less than two weeks ago! definitely feels longer than that...), I’ve actually made several new friends (!), gone on four dates with three different people (!), been to several arts (and science) events around the city, made art using new media (which I posted about here and here), and attended a few parties. Indeed, due to my spirit always refusing to be put down, I managed to combine wonder with socializing (and some physical activity) amidst all the work, which basically means it is rest that I have sacrificed.
It’s not even just that I’m working so much that I’m not getting enough sleep. It’s because my mind has gotten so hyperactive with “unfinished business” that I just can’t sleep. I’ve been working without time boundaries especially in the last two weeks to get the final approach paper and evaluation matrix out to “officially” start the multiple benefits evaluation, while simultaneously setting up the first case study mission in China (where I’m going in less than two weeks!). That meant replying to emails and talking to people on the phone in China to schedule interviews at night soon after I got home from work, to avoid losing another day by waiting till normal work hours to reply. And there’s always family concerns to attend to after (and sometimes during) work, of course.
The other reasons it’s been crazy are things that I’ve brought upon myself entirely through my own “heroism”, if you could call it that :P Because of my desire to help create change in the office, I volunteered to basically design and test a tool to capture all the office staff’s specialized knowledge and skills in preparation for our retreat, which is happening this week. AND I also said yes to a speaking engagement (basically a one-hour lecture) in Canada for a core evaluation course that I had attended myself five years ago, when I first started in this field.
Now on the speaking engagement, of course, it was a great opportunity for me professionally. I had been recommended by our former director who used to do this presentation (which actually I had made for him, because it was based on an evaluation my former boss and I did). I would be speaking to an audience of more than a hundred new evaluators from all around the world, a chance to get my name and my work out, and perhaps to get an annual (unpaid) gig. More importantly, it was a chance for me to spread the word on complexity thinking, to break out from the linearity that evaluators are taught and prefer to work with. But I was not feeling 100% about it because I was already maxed out in terms of work commitments, and my personal policy/ philosophy is that if something creates unnecessary stress in your life, it means you shouldn’t be doing it, and you should say no. Especially since I would have to apply for a visa within a short time frame, which would be another thing to think about on top of everything. I asked for a sign for whether I should pass on the opportunity to my former boss instead, who never got the chance to speak at that course and who would benefit greatly from the networking. And I did get the unlikely sign I asked for...but it was a few days too late, so I was still undecided.
As expected, my family and friends and my current boss said that I should do it, which didn’t help, because YES is my default answer to most opportunities. Which is why I tend to end up in stressful situations that normal people would wisely run away from, all for the sake of experiencing something “interesting”. Then I asked a senior colleague of mine, to get the perspective of someone whom I considered impartial in the matter and knowledgeable about my workload, and he said I should not go since I was too busy, and I would have many other opportunities later on. In a way, this answer was expected from him, because he is the kind of person who gets upset over stressful situations, especially if they’re due to last-minute changes.
But I wanted to clear it first with the people who invited me since at this point I had already said yes (two weeks before the talk). I explained my busy situation, and started to give them my former boss’s name, but as soon as I said “retired”, the organizer said, “Oh no, please, we were really looking forward to having you! Because we didn’t want to have another white old man speaking.” And I laughed, because indeed it had occurred to me as well, when I was weighing my options. I thought, if I went there and managed to inspire someone in the audience -- me who had sat in the very same seat they were sitting in five years ago and now a speaker at the same course, from a developing country, (relatively) young, female, definitely not white -- then that would be an accomplishment in itself. When she said that, I made up my mind to go despite all the additional stress I knew it would bring (which has anyway never scared me off from doing something that’s worth my energy). It also made me feel more at peace and less anxious about my presentation which I kind of had to build from scratch, since I had never delivered a one-hour talk on the topic.
More on what happened on the trip and my lecture in my next post. For now, I just wanted to document here my conversation with my colleague (who is from a rich European country) whom I had earlier asked for advice, when I told him I was leaving for Canada the next day. I wrote this down the same day we had the conversation, and I’ve tried as much as possible to capture the exact phrases that were exchanged.
HIM: Didn’t I tell you not do it?
ME: Yes, but I did call them, and they said they wanted me, because I break the stereotypes....
HIM: ... (uncomprehending look)
ME: Because I‘m not an old white guy.... (feeling uncomfortable to put it in such stereotypical terms because this is exactly what he is)
HIM: (Eyes widening, big smile on his face) Ohhh, I see, because you’re not a bigshot!
ME: No, because, I’m not an old white guy...
HIM: Yes, I see, because nobody knows you, you’re not a bigshot! You’re not part of the group, you’re an outsider! So you were forced to do it?
ME: (Deciding to ignore what he just said) Well, it did cross my mind that if I do this, maybe I can inspire someone in the audience if they see someone like me talking there, since I was there five years ago, and they can see what they can accomplish.... So I decided that even though it’s going to stress me out, it’s for a good cause!
HIM: Ah you’re so idealistic! I used to be idealistic, too. Well I still am, but not as much, now I’m more realistic.
And this is why we have these old white boys’ clubs -- because they think only their kind can become “bighsots”. He himself is not well-known in the field even after decades of working in it (despite what he may think of himself), and I was tempted to say: do you really think they would invite you, because you’re not a bigshot, either? :P And this is not the first time he’s been condescending towards me about my work. We’ve had several conflicts, which I’ve learned to resolve by telling him directly that I did not like things he did (e.g. resource-grabbing that kept my evaluation from moving forward as planned). Anyway, I normally ignore demoralizing statements, because I’d rather spend my energy on getting great things done than on dwelling/ fighting with people who try to pull me down. But I thought this deserved to be documented and shared, because sometimes it’s better for everyone to forgive and NOT forget.