Hats and crap. But mostly hats

In the beginning...God separated the hats from the not hats. And it was good.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

We’re rebooting hats now

Please put on your 3D glasses.

Thank you for watching hats 2: soup for you, brought you to by Coca-Cola.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Its Pakistani!

Well, it is. Apparently. I wouldn’t know. Did my research, if going onto a random forum I’d never heard of before three minutes ago counts.

Notice the lush and vibrant lower thing that sorta looks like a curled baguette. Notice the sickly grey color of death and taxes that pervades the hat’s baser regions. Notice the top, which looks like a floppy disk. Notice the fact that for the record I have never actually used a floppy disk because I am not a dinosaur, and did not learn how to read, write, and change the channel until I was twenty seven. Notice that it could have been one of those stupid graduation hat thingies but instead looks like it needs ironing and a hug. Notice the complete lack of paragraph structure, and how proud this makes me that each sentence is its own story, independent of its pre and se quels. Notice that this blog post is over, chumps, come back tomorrow (read: next year) for more.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Its got a scorpion on it?

So it goes around your throat? Or on top of your head? I cannot possibly recommend such nonsensically unclear apparel. For the sake of clarity, I have been requested by nobody to list out an easy to read and annoying to format pro and con section.

Pros:

Adaptibility

It's got a scorpion on it

It's on sale apparently http://www.bicyclehero.com/us/castelli-head-thingy-headwear-black.html#.VK4dWivF-BQ so its got that going for it which is nice

Wait just noticed the second scorpion, it gets an extra pro listing

Don't need to iron, just pretend it's part of the design

Cons:

Anime LA

Comic, San Diego

But seriously folks

Cons:

Is not worn by Johnny Depp

My user manual got lost in the mail

Cannot reliably house guacamole dip due to centuries of feuding between the unskilled laborers; has no problems with hummus

That's about all I have to say about this abomination. Catch us next week as we once again avoid updating this blog!

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Adventures in the world of bad scamming attempts

Ah, Team Fortress 2 scammers, how I've missed trolling you. I'm {L4S} Ergo.

{L4S} Ergo: hi {L4S} Ergo: what can i do for you Jordan the Frisbee: hey! Jordan the Frisbee: can i buy soem of your items ? {L4S} Ergo: depends Jordan the Frisbee: 1 sec Jordan the Frisbee: those tiems for 200$ {L4S} Ergo: yeah ok so {L4S} Ergo: i really like most of those {L4S} Ergo: i'll give you some of them for less Jordan the Frisbee: but im overpaying Jordan the Frisbee: which ones you dont want to ell Jordan the Frisbee: sell* {L4S} Ergo: most of them Jordan the Frisbee: ;( {L4S} Ergo: hey Jordan the Frisbee: r u srs {L4S} Ergo: you can probably get most of them off of other people {L4S} Ergo: who actually care about money more than the items {L4S} Ergo: but most of them have nostalgic value Jordan the Frisbee: you mean sentimental; {L4S} Ergo: no nostalgic actually {L4S} Ergo: look its a long story Jordan the Frisbee: wtf is nostalgic haha Jordan the Frisbee: whatev lol {L4S} Ergo: but i'll show ya the items im willing to sell Jordan the Frisbee: ok {L4S} Ergo: do you have hats for sale Jordan the Frisbee: ill give you some keys and hats on my other account Jordan the Frisbee: but this first:) {L4S} Ergo: actually nvm {L4S} Ergo: sorry {L4S} Ergo: aint worth it Jordan the Frisbee: wut Jordan the Frisbee: wut {L4S} Ergo: im sure you can scam it off other people Jordan the Frisbee: wiuti Jordan the Frisbee: wuiti Jordan the Frisbee: why {L4S} Ergo: bye Jordan the Frisbee: ajshdjkabsd Jordan the Frisbee: aksndkajsbda {L4S} Ergo: look Jordan the Frisbee: ]sdI HATE YOU Jordan the Frisbee: ID IASDKJBAS Jordan the Frisbee: UGHH {L4S} Ergo: bye Jordan the Frisbee: YOU HAVE SUCH GOOD HATS Jordan the Frisbee: Y U DO DIS {L4S} Ergo: i know right? {L4S} Ergo: well scam em off someone else {L4S} Ergo: that would be nice Jordan the Frisbee: actually on my alt Jordan the Frisbee: my bp is worth 400$ Jordan the Frisbee: ehhee Jordan the Frisbee: habe a nice dayas {L4S} Ergo: typing in the trade box that youre transferring money {L4S} Ergo: is interesting {L4S} Ergo: but thanks {L4S} Ergo: no thanks Jordan the Frisbee: plz remove me {L4S} Ergo: nah {L4S} Ergo: not worth the effort Jordan the Frisbee: plz {L4S} Ergo: may want to talk to you some time {L4S} Ergo: should be entertaining Jordan the Frisbee: dont use this account Jordan the Frisbee: check me steamrep bruh {L4S} Ergo: but youre so much fun to be around {L4S} Ergo: im gonna keep talking {L4S} Ergo: and youre gonna keep listening Jordan the Frisbee: why Jordan the Frisbee: wut no i m not {L4S} Ergo: because im your friend Jordan the Frisbee: im gonan rmeove oyu {L4S} Ergo: you wouldnt Jordan the Frisbee: i will right now {L4S} Ergo: what happened to me being your best friend? Jordan the Frisbee: what u mean {L4S} Ergo: im your best friend Jordan the Frisbee: if you were my friend you would be on my friend list lol {L4S} Ergo: i am Jordan the Frisbee: i mean before i added you to scam you lol {L4S} Ergo: i know Jordan the Frisbee: whats your name then> {L4S} Ergo: but this was interesting {L4S} Ergo: my name is ergo {L4S} Ergo: duh {L4S} Ergo: says it right there Jordan the Frisbee: my names jordan Jordan the Frisbee: duh {L4S} Ergo: youre not the brightest Jordan the Frisbee: DUH Jordan the Frisbee: DU {L4S} Ergo: yeah well my name is jordan too Jordan the Frisbee is now Offline.

And here's a hat.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Nope nope nope nope nope

Nope.

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

Noooooope.

HATS HAVE TO SIT PROPERLY ON YOUR HEAD YOU ARROGANT LILY-LIVERED TONE-DEAF CLAY-BRAINED EXCUSE FOR A SEA WITCH

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Taken Too Coon

Funny story about the coonskin cap. This thing won the freaking Tex-Mex war. Yeah, back when Buffalo Billy the Kid ruled the Wild Western Wall, this hat was found on every rebel's head from here to Coruscant. When they say 'Remember the Alamo,' you're practicing irony because the only notable thing about the idiots who died defending that 3000 square foot nursing home for religious wackjobs was that the idiots wore this sexy piece of tail. That was a pun. Anyway, what with the whole "Meat is Murder" and "Fur is Murder" and "Murder is also Murder" hippie conventions these days, the coonskin is all but extinct. Just like those idiots in the Alamo.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

The Internet Calls, Unfortunately

I return triumphant from my travels in the Niagarazon to find this piece of crap sitting atop the google images page. HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS. Who would wear this mockery?

Don't get me wrong, I love the Nyan Cat as much as the next internet junkie. His (Her? Jukebox?) cute little face mixed with the delicious yet incredibly healthy and soul-soothing pop tart body make for a biting social commentary on the American Breakfast. Let not Eggo sleep still.

EDIT: Click the link.

http://build-its.blogspot.com/2012/10/nyan-hat.html

This hat is much more impressive than i initially thought. Some impressive craftsmanship went into making it play music, as well as what must be a half dozen moving parts. That said, the rainbow is lacking in hue, shininess, and overall pretty colors. The five button pattern reminds me of the gumdrop decorations on a shopping mall gingerbread house that's been put together with superglue, baby tears and capitalism. The concept is fine, but the execution is shoddy.

I'll give it six memes out of eleven.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Mesa Hat

Honestly I don't even know what else to call this piece of crap.

Let me give some background. I've gotten some emails from some of my thousands of passionate fans complaining about how I only feature hats that I personally feel are worthwhile to place upon my own solemn top.

This hat, suggested by generic_nickname_01B, is exactly why I have that policy.

This hat...it's just so stupid. I feel bad saying that to any hat, but it's true. Really, really stupid. Why would anyone buy this piece of crap?

I've dropped my whole snooty connoisseur act for this one. Honestly. WHAT IS THIS THING

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Poll time!

Hello, all four of the people who are reading this AKA my loyal followers. One honestly, the other three probably don't check tumblr/don't care about my blog. Let me restart.

Greetings singular person! I-damnit Fury, it's you, isn't it? The worst part of it is you already know all of the crap I'm about to say, and/or why I'm saying it, so I don't know why I bother. In fact, nobody probably reads my blog at all. That's never why I bother with this piece of crap (but mostly hats). I bother because I enjoy writing all this up. A convenient, safe place to forget about the backspace key. That established, Nobody who I am talking to, let's move on to the important stuff.

What are your top three favorite personality disorders of all time? Explanations would be nice but not necessary.

Also, please rate the following from one to ten, one being "Ooooh how cute and smiley, I want to hug the cannibal", ten being "Here's fifty bucks, give me a ten foot pole to stab this guy with. Keep the change."

A) Narcissistic Personality Disorder

B) Delusions of Grandeur

C) Sadism

D) All of the above (AKA Politician Disorder)

If you could just get in your five page essays on the subject by eight thirty tonight, I can have them graded by tomorrow.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Odorless and tasteless, but...

The signs are a bit different from other poisons.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

You know that feeling

You know that feeling you get when you find yourself reading over psychological disorders on wikipedia and end up diagnosing yourself with all of them?

I have NO IDEA what this is, but IT JUST GOT BLOGGED.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Feather in your cap

First of all, bask in the glamour of the olive conflagration that is this wondrously constructed topper.

Second, ooh da little preety cutey feather. Or three.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Check please, mate.

That Mustache almost makes me forget about the very hat he wears. Almost.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

I'm running out of hats

Ye who gaze upon the bow shall be forever cursed with a terrible envy the likes of which the world has seen maybe 2,3 times.

A solid hat, yes, quite, hmmmmm.

(+3 to snooty)

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Because running this blog always cheers me up

Never has a hat been so protective, so loyal, so caring as the hard hat.

Its reputation is rock solid, and its uses myriad.

Also, what most people don't know is that Hard Hat has a degree in advanced kinetostatics. Hard Hat regrets this major, and wishes she had done something relevant with her college education.

Another day, another place, Hard Hat. My respect be with ye.

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Meat the Hat

What's wrong, hat connoisseur? Chicken?

As the Macbeth Witches would say, "Fair is this fowl, and Fowl is Fair."

[davejohnsoniowntheplace]

Who said that a dark helmet has to look derpy?

The sleek figure plus the intriguing geometric patterns lead me to conclude that this helmet is...moderately fashionable. I don't usually drive motorcycles, but when I do, this is the helmet I would wear.