ddal

ddal = dj dal / God's ddal korean-american so/nor-cal just sharing the music i live by. wanna be music buddies?

[ddalsworld]

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i usually start thinking deep thoughts during the night

but today, i’ve been having them the whole day

so my post will be short

because my brain is tired

for some reason, after i spent a lot of time thinking, and i was in that spacing-out zone, i kept whistling this melody..

maybe it’s my own way of telling myself to look up and remember that God is in control.. I also heard it on superstark6 but here I’m posting the original..it sounds more..earnest? 

i think i’ve been too pessimistic. i find myself being super pessimistic–i legit get surprised at myself. what’s driving this? i have a feeing i’ve been like this for a while actually but I’m now being fully aware of it.. 

i’m going to sleep. sometimes, a full sleep does the trick. 

눈 뜰때가 더 어두워서

[ddalsworld]

wow was looking at my old posts and realized i posted the og song even before i started listening to it when 응답하라 came out

yea i like the og better

also i hate reading my old posts LOL  혼자서 드라마찍고있네 but #whatsnew 

[izzyhill]

[camiekahle-deactivated20190815]

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

[macncheese-blog]

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THIS FOR SEVEN YEARS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????

[amethystthe-gem-deactivated2016]

I’m fucking dying

[pinkifingers]

That last fatal scream tho

[faleep]

IT IS BACK ON MY DASH THIS POST NEVER DIES WHO EVER PUT THIS UP IS A GOD.

[flawlessputaa-deactivated201610]

THE TERROR IN HIS SCREAM OH GOSH

[piss-pirate]

[ddalsworld]

forbidden

[ddalsworld]

Just gonna type stuff that comes out of my mind right now

It's kind of like a New Year list thingy whatever you call it

it's not in any important order 

i've just been lagging what i've been thinking; that didn't make sense

here it goes:

this is literally the only song i've been listening to

it's like i'm going through a break-up that never happened..although that's usually the case

it's because there's this guy i can't even try anything with even though he's the best choice so far

he's too old for me

i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him

i have to force myself to like his traits and qualities and not HIM along with it

so i started a netflix account

it's ruining my life

correction: new girl is ruining my life

its almost like a korean drama for me

that love between jess and nick

my heart hurts for them

my knees have been hurting

probably from all that extra weight i've been gaining

i've literally been living in my bed for the past 48 hours

ever since new years

what a great way to start new years

but then again, i'm not surprised with myself

i have so much arm fat it's disgusting

my age. hah! so funny 

what i will be this year

i just want to be who God wants me to be

this world is filled with temptations to disobey God

it's very hard, the Christian life

at least I know I want to do what God desires

except i haven't exactly figured that part out yet

this is the year i will be trying

and catching up with the people that i have shut out of my life in the last couple of years

why the hell is itunes so good at playing what i'm feeling

i want to go for a run and try to feel better about my physical self

but i'm too scared to go for a walk in my neighborhood without feeling somehow violated

like my thighs feel like they're expanding

this is not good in any way

his age

his age in 27 days

"it all just sounds like ooooh oooohhhh mm too young too die to realize"

that i shouldn't have spent all that time with him

he'll soon be dancing with another woman 

not that we ever danced together

ok now this is becoming a rant about my nonexistant relationship and not my new years stuff so i'll carry on

this new bra is suffocating me

i really want to go out for a run

i swear, once i get my major settled down i'm going to go become a girl

aka im going to try to get fit

i have to. . for the wedding

actually i don't really care about impressing who i was going to initially impress

i just want to get fit because i dont know i don't want to say here

i need to be nicer to my family

especially my sister

and cousin

you know, i realized i don't like being touched by girl family members

except my mom

i was extremely sad on New Years because it's unfortunate that my dad is not really my dad and there are other families sitting together for the first service of the new year

my armpits are sweaty from all the fat

family background is a very important thing to consider in terms of marriage

which doesn't help my case, really

because i can't even have a normal conversation with a guy without feeling uncomfortable making eye contact with him

except i finally found the one exception

who's too old

gonna continue watching new girl now, bye. 

[ddalsworld]

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you're good looking, as usual

여전히 재수없게 생겼군

i miss you

이제 안봐서 좋네

we should catch up

영원히 꺼져줘

[ddalsworld]

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couldn’t upload my own file for this song because it was too big so i had to download a smaller file..

but this is a very important song.

as soon as i heard it, i almost cried

because it was my song

it was exactly what i was feeling

it was exactly how i was living

i was mind-blown at how accurate it was. 

the reason why i’m sharing it now is because these thoughts are coming back, maybe not as much of a great extent as before but it’s the same.

the only difference now is that i’m empty…

speaking of which, below is what i wrote today:

——————————————————————————————

나도 모르게

마음이 허전해져,

나는 텅빈 물병 같다

  그냥 버릴수있는 물병-

물 다 마시면

버리는 그 물병

  가끔 길거리에 버려있는,

걸어가며 발로 찰수있는

물병.

  하지만 그 물병을 무시하지마

그 물병은 bpa 가있다

그 bpa가 니 몸을 건드려,

널 망칠수있어

  이건 협박이아니라—

진실이야.

  그러니까 물병을 쓰지마

    날 이용하지마.

[khiphopislife]

Gaeko’s NEW solo debut album REDINGRAY, S O O N…

[ddalsworld]

YUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS

[ddalsworld]

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i usually start thinking deep thoughts during the night

but today, i've been having them the whole day

so my post will be short

because my brain is tired

for some reason, after i spent a lot of time thinking, and i was in that spacing-out zone, i kept whistling this melody..

maybe it's my own way of telling myself to look up and remember that God is in control.. I also heard it on superstark6 but here I'm posting the original..it sounds more..earnest? 

i think i've been too pessimistic. i find myself being super pessimistic--i legit get surprised at myself. what's driving this? i have a feeing i've been like this for a while actually but I'm now being fully aware of it.. 

i'm going to sleep. sometimes, a full sleep does the trick. 

눈 뜰때가 더 어두워서

[ddalsworld]

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또 하루 멀어져 간다 내뿜은 담배 연기처럼 작기만한 내 기억 속에 무얼 채워 살고 있는지 점점 더 멀어져 간다 머물러 있는 청춘인 줄 알았는데 비어가는 내 가슴 속엔 더 아무 것도 찾을 수 없네 계절은 다시 돌아 오지만 떠나간 내 사랑은 어디에 내가 떠나 보낸 것도 아닌데 내가 떠나 온 것도 아닌데 조금씩 잊혀져 간다 머물러 있는 사랑인 줄 알았는데 또 하루 멀어져 간다 매일 이별하며 살고 있구나 매일 이별하며 살고 있구나 점점 더 멀어져 간다 머물러 있는 청춘인 줄 알았는데 비어가는 내 가슴 속엔 더 아무 것도 찾을 수 없네 계절은 다시 돌아 오지만 떠나간 내 사랑은 어디에 내가 떠나 보낸 것도 아닌데 내가 떠나 온 것도 아닌데 조금씩 잊혀져 간다 머물러 있는 사랑인 줄 알았는데 또 하루 멀어져 간다 매일 이별하며 살고 있구나 매일 이별하며 살고 있구나

maybe this is a love song

maybe he's talking about aging

but,

this week has been super tough

the kind of tough where you see no hope in humanity (i may sound like i'm exaggerating but no, really) and you don't see hope in yourself

the kind of week where you feel like you're becoming distant from the people you thought were the closest to you

the kind of week where you feel unwanted and start becoming even more self-conscious about your actions and words - you end up shutting yourself up

the kind of week where you don't want to contact your mom because she'll hear the heartache through your voice

the kind of week where you start dragging yourself out of social interactions 

the kind of week where being alone feels safe

the kind of week where you feel useless and good for nothing

the kind of week you don't want to spend so much time pitying yourself because you're still being selfish in that way

the kind of week where your thoughts consume you so much that you feel empty and air-headed (aka your body's coping mechanism to keep you from blowing up or going crazy)

the kind of week where you shouldn't be by yourself 

the dangerous kind of week

.

.

.

i love this guy

rest in peace

oh gawsh, i just read that he committed suicide in 1996. 

why.

this post.

his song.

i still love this song. 

maybe he suffered from his thoughts too

[ddalsworld]

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i have many things on my mind tonight. 

mainly important things like faith and God. i've been meaning to post this song-actually, it should've been my first post because i need to set my priorities y'know? hahaha it's been a long time coming.. but... i realized this year (or semester) is going to be one of the toughest ones, now that I am trying to keep my walk with God as my priority.

what do i mean by this? no-no, academics are not getting in my way and making it harder. what i mean by tough is that my walk with God will be more and more of a blessing and joyful one from here on (i'm as confident as ever) but it'll be tough because I could already see God putting me in challenging situations to make me grow. for example, i've been worrying deeply about two dear people in my life. it's sad to say that i've seen it coming, but i could see one of them struggling greatly, trying to figure out things by herself, not wanting to hear the word of God even though she knows it's wrong. and that's ultimately the greatest sin-turning away from God in disobedience. now, i'm not saying that she is rejecting Him, her mentality is wrong and she is making excuses because she wants to do things her own way. and i feel that she wants to make her walk with God right, but she's too scared to become vulnerable to Him and be put in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar setting. and i feel like even if i confront her about it (i've tried before) right now, it'll just go out the other ear. of course i'm not one to say anything but as a fellow sister, it's really painful to see her slowly trying to take matters into her own hand..

the other person is hanging out with the wrong people. i shouldn't be judging but that person is hanging out with non-believers. of course, it's our duty to reach out to non-believers, but not if we're just simply accepting them as who they are and not actually trying to show them who God is. because ultimately, you become like them (in the long run). sigh.. i can't really do anything about this one right now either... because i'm not in the right place to be doing so.. but i pray that that person will come to me when they need someone. 

as i've been thinking about all these new challenges God is giving me, it reminds me of the days when i was serving at my church as a youth group. those days when my faith and service to others were very passionate and genuine. now, it's more genuine but not very passionate because i think i now fully grasp that that "passion" i had was just an emotion that eventually faded away. and i'm glad it did because i think i would've ended up the way i did while i was serving as a high schooler. that passion, i mean emotion, died out and i mistook that into a doubt that i was actually not saved-i was burnt out. i was misinterpreting true passion for God as merely an emotion. 

but while i WAS passionate and genuine about my walk with God during that time, i used to pray this prayer: Lord, bring me more sufferings so that I can help a broader audience. i prayed this because i knew from experience that you really can't understand what someone is going through unless you've been through it yourself. i also know that it always helped me when someone had gone through the same thing as i had. i even imagined myself getting greatly sick (maybe because i've seen my mom suffer by herself a lot) so that i can offer some sort of comfort for other sick patients. i was thinking about it earlier today, and i remember thinking how foolish i was to pray that prayer. but i was thinking about it again earlier, and i think i wouldn't mind being terminally ill. let's look away from the physically painful aspects of it; i think if i knew that i was dying, it would really put things into perspective. i wouldn't have to worry about how i'm going to live in this dark world in the future; rather, i would finally be able to truly dedicate myself to God's people and to really not worry about my own life (since i would know that i'll soon be going to be with God). i don't know. that might seem very selfish of me too. but seeing how i was worrying about the two people today, i realized i didn't do any of my homework (i could be doing it right now too..). honestly... i used to think school and education was overrated and dumb because it's not important. but i realized it may play a great role in making humans obtain lots of knowledge and finally be able to realize that this world is full of sin and that man is limited and that they desperately need God. 

any-who, yea this should've been my first post but i've been lagging it. now i must sleep and not do homework because tomorrow is the Lord's day! :)

[ddalsworld]

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song of the day!

i've thought of this song multiple times today... i would usually listen to this kind of song on a winter day as i walk to the school campus..but it was fitting today for some reason-maybe because i ended all my classes at 10am and had the whole day for myself (that's a lie, i had a lot of reading to do), or because i was feeling relief from finally having my class schedule down (that's a lie too because i'm still wait-listed for one class and i have to switch a discussion section). whatever the reason, this song felt comforting...especially when the vocalist raises his notes and it goes up like an escalator..into the clouds.. ya feel meh? hahaha! to be honest i don't really like the climax of the instruments from the last third of the song to the end...a bit too noisy for my taste but it's a rather calming song overall! 

although i have a lot of reading to do, i feel like this is a precious time for me to be posting this while listening to this track. i'm currently in my room by myself, only my desk lamp lit, and my heirloom pear candle lit. the door is closed, my housemates are in the living room mingling and talking with each other-which is great! they can become closer and i can finally have some quiet and peace. i've actually been talking a lot for the past two days..more than usual. maybe that's why my throat's feelin' a bit itchy (not even kidding). 

now all i need is a good night's sleep, Lord willing (please). 

[ddalsworld]

this song often popped up in my head the past couple of days.

the girl is singing about the memories she had with a loved one but i relate to this song in terms of humans in general

it's very easy to become distant with the people you spent a lot of time with as you get older/time passes by... this past week was filled with memories of people i used to hang out with..and they slowly drifted away from me (or i did, not sure)

the reason for this nostalgic crap was not just because i didn't want to study but because i feel like i'm becoming distant with a couple of the present friends. 

1) as you get older, the more you realize guys and girls can't purely be friends. there will be moments of flirtation (썸탐유노우?) and imaginations of all the possibilities you have with that "friend" (let's be real here). there are two guys that are recently losing things to say to me and it reminded me of other guy friends that drifted away. maybe it's because they realized that distinction...and i just happened to not be their style sooooo they found no reason to continue talking to me hahahahaha... but it's true... i do the same thing so i can't really say anythin

BUT, i've also been seeing soooo many couples on campus this week and to be honest, of course it's not easy to just see all them without wondering where the hell ma man is..which is another reason why this song came up.."나 홀로"

2) other girlfriends. a close and dear friend of mind has been discovering the joys of a new environment and creating new friendships apart from ours. it's great that she is but when we finally sat down to eat together, i noticed the lack of things to talk about and it kinda hurt-not that she's directly hurting me but that it's so easy to find the differences of each other once you start meeting other people even more similar to you. 

that seemed to be the pattern this week... everyone else seemed to hangout with others that had similar interests as them (which obviously makes sense) but when i, who usually try to conform to the interests of others, looked around me, i found no one. maybe i'm just being dumb and overthinking but i can't hide the stupid emotions. i was supposed to write a post on this sometime the last couple of days but i've been holding it off because i didn't want to deal with admitting how i felt because you know, the pride stuff hinders you from growing. 

so what can you do? not much.. i just continued to answer whenever and to whoever needed me. what's the point of reaching out to people (who have no business with me) just because i want them to have the same connection they have with others? you can't choose the people you're compatible with; you can try to make it work until either one of you (or both of you) start to drift away. 

just appreciate those around you

unless.. those people around you, the ones you thought you were close to start to drift away. this is possible. but just keep in mind that you yourself have to change; don't stop talking to someone just because they don't give you the reactions you want and/or you can see that you won't benefit from them. make sure you always keep yourself in check because maybe the reason why there's no one around you is because there's something about you that has to change. 

it sucks when you're the one that people turn away from when they see that they won't gain anything by being in a relationship with you. but we're all human. 

ahaha i'm just rambling on and on, aren't i? 

i promise my future posts won't be so.. serious? :P 

so my post ended up (in my opinion) not really matching up the song because i kind of went off on some tangents but..here are the lyrics:

아침에 눈을 떴을 때

텅 빈 방안에 

나 홀로 니 빈자리 거닐면서

많은 생각들에 잠겨

지워질 수 없는 기억

돌이킬 수 없는

우리 헤어날 수 없는 나와 

멀어져만 가는 너를 바라봐

누군가 한 말 처럼 언젠가 

만날 거라 그렇게

우린 헤어진 거야

집에 오는 길을 홀로 텅 빈 방 

침대에 홀로 너와의 기억에 홀로

나 홀로 무뎌질 가슴 안고

추억 속에 살아 홀로

방안에서 깨면 홀로 늘 있던

니가 없어 익숙해지겠지

나 홀로

그 때를 기억하니 너와 내가 

우리란 말로

함께 할 수 있었던

그 날의 사랑들을

잠시 맞잡았던 두 손 차마

놀 수 없어 붙잡았던 우리라 해도

그립고 그리워 그저

바라만 봐야 했어

누군가 한 말 처럼 언젠가 만날 

거라 그렇게 우린 헤어진 거야

집에 오는 길을 홀로 텅 빈 방

침대에 홀로

너와의 기억에 홀로 나 홀로 

무뎌질 가슴 안고 추억 속에 살아 

홀로

방안에서 깨면 홀로 늘 있던

니가 없어 익숙해지겠지

나 홀로

지난 시간들이 그리워 힘든 건지 

내 손길만을 기다린 건지

다른 누군갈 만날

내 모습 바란 건지

그저 날 사랑한다고 말해줘

집에 오는 길을 홀로

텅 빈 방 침대에 홀로

너와의 기억에 홀로 나 홀로 

무뎌질 가슴 안고 살아

보고 싶어 매일 널 그리며 살아

다시 아파한다 해도

내게 손 내밀어

그저 날 사랑한다고 말해줘

잊혀질 그 날처럼 

처음 날 만나서 설레었던

그 날 그 때로 다시 돌아와

나 하나만 바라보며 사랑한다고 

말했던 그 때의 우리로 돌아갈래

텅 빈 방 침대에 홀로

너와의 기억에 홀로 나 홀로 

무뎌질 가슴 안고 추억 속에 살아 

[ddalsworld]

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finally did it.

made the blog - follow or not i'm posting my music journey here

i had trouble deciding which song i should start off this blog with but i realized heck, i'm going to post what i feel.

so let me tell you this story:

i was at the school gym earlier with my roommate. for the first 20 minutes, she took the stair-machine and i took over the treadmill. we then proceeded to stretch in a dark room. we were about to leave when she decided that the stair-machine didn't do justice for her so she asked if i could wait for her to burn some calories on the treadmill. 

and then on the opposite side i saw him

hahaha sounds so dumb but i hadn't seen him for maybe over a year, although we were both taking summer school a couple months ago. anyway, quick background: i had interest in him (surprise surprise) 

i'm not trying to be creepy but i was staring at him because, obviously, i was trying to say hi. i was even asking my friend if i looked good (which is disgusting of me to do because i would never ask my friend that); that just shows how nervous i was to see him. and then i realized that he had lost some weight and immediately i wanted to run away because i wanted to meet up with him later on AFTER i had lost some too... sigh. so i did one of my infamous u-turns and sat on some cushioned benches.

i saw him leave with a girl and automatically i wonder-did he get a girlfriend? i mean, not that i still like him but i had an interesting feeling creep up on me that i want to suppress. 

i put on my earphones and was scanning my playlist when this song came up. i recently (within the last two months) found this song and fell in love with kim ye rim's (김예림) chorus part. it's probably the chorus that hits my heart, not so much zizo's rapping (which is unique too i guess...) 

when i first heard it, this song took me on a car-ride adventure on a sunny day driving under palm trees passing by the beach. horrible sentence structure and grammar but i just had to spit out what that feeling was. do you get it? the song brings me these nonexistent memories of the guy driving that car (convertible, most likely) and me standing up on my seat with a straw-hat, having the time of my life with this random guy.

ANYWAY, so when i heard this song at the gym, the memories i had with the gym guy flashed in my head. the time we first ate together and I paid (smh, i liked him too much) thinking he had no manners, and then the time he secretly paid for me while i was taking a serious phone call and he wanted to comfort me. the time we were walking and when it started to rain, he took my scarf to protect himself from the drops. and the other lame time he wore my coat because he was so cold (THE ROLES WERE CHANGED). he's such a kid.

i spent a lot of time with him one winter, and this song is about winter in hae eun dae (해운대), going off on a trip- "여행을 떠나자 - 단둘이서"

i didn't mean for such a personal first blog, especially since i'm keeping this anonymous, but hey, i'm not going to lie about why i chose this song today. 

nostalgic.