As a well known popular singer once said “What am I now?”
I find myself asking myself that same question at this moment. I find myself feeling useless, and not necessarily needed, but more like kept around simply because people want to spare my feelings. I hope whom ever is reading this doesn't mistake my self awareness for a lack of confidence, because that wouldn't be true.
I know what I am and what I’m capable of doing for myself and for others, but I also know when I bring nothing to the table. I call it being self aware....but, what would you call it?
Most recently I've found myself stuck inside my head for most of the day. I'm thinking maybe I should make myself comfortable and move in.. yet, I know that wouldn't be healthy. A very fine line between self awareness and depression, is what I've learned and sometimes what I also forget. In more occasions than id like to admit, that very fine line, has become blurred at times, and even disappeared in others. What I cant seem to understand is how to prevent myself from basking in the ocean of my god awful thoughts without enjoying it.
Funny, I always thought that being depressed was a bad thing yet why did it happen so fast? and why did I always greet it like a dear old friend? how could I go from being genuinely happy about something going good in my life, and still pick out how it could of been better. Still criticize the one good thing in my life without a hint of remorse. Like a terrifying fear sniffing monster that could sniff me out and find me in the happiest times of my life and send me in to spiral fall of self loading and self hearted. Even when I have the biggest smile on your face. I never understood.
When I was younger, I went to four years of therapy, to try and straighten out the creases and bind the lose pages of my thoughts. I want to say that it worked, because when I left, I did see things a different way. I wouldn't necessarily say a better way or a positive way. I just saw things in a different way. I chuckle at a memory that I constantly replay in my head. Its about a conversation between my therapist and I, so many years ago. I think I was 12-14 I'm not exactly sure. To many things in my head for me to really pin point the age I was.
I had told her about my fear sniffing monster and how I felt like it was stronger than my need to be happy. and I remember her telling me “ Honey, it doesn't matter if your monster is real or in your head, every monster has an Achilles Heel, you just got to find them to beat them.” that day I pretended to know what she was talkin about because I couldn't wait to leave her office. I hated that place, she had these pictures of people she said she had helped, and I remember being upset. I was upset looking at the pictures because at that time in my life I felt like I was never going to get to be better. I felt like my picture was never going to be taken to be displayed on her wall.
I never brought up my monster to her again. Not because I was scared of the subject but because instead of fighting that monster, I had befriended it. It had become my best friend, it brought me comfort and familiarity in the most self destructive way.
Eventually, I stopped making progress. Session after session I would spit out lies and give my therapist the best fake-genuine smiles that I could give her. I desperately wanted her to believe me, and for that there was many reasons. One of them being my motto at the time. I laugh as I type this because it really is awful. My motto at the time was “Fake it till you make it.” and I really did do that. because four years later I had convinced my therapist that I was doing great. Yet I was out here bonding with my worst enemy.
To be completely honest, I remember it being a rush and an accomplishment. I loved the fact that I had deceived a professional that I had gotten better. Yet I hated the fact that I couldn't deceive myself. So as the years passed me by, I started to make peace with myself and all my issues....is what id like to say. No what I really did is try to become as self aware as can be.
I Know I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone. As I grew older I stopped being so self involved, because I noticed that I wasn't the only one with issues. I wasn't special. Other people had it worse.
Now I'm sitting here venting on tumblr about how useless I'm feeling because I want someone to tell me that I'm not special. I want someone to tell me to get in line. To quit complaining. To get over it. Because I cant seem to tell that to my self at the moment.
At the moment I feel like I'm blocking people from getting on their way. I've failed at everything I once thought I was good at. so I have no sent to chase at the moment. I don't know what direction I should take. so I've decided that for the next few days ill be coping with my incompetence by shoving my nose in one of my many fantasy books that I've yet to read, Because if I'm honest anything beats reality.
If you read this, let me be “someone you wont talk about..” as the same singer also said.
I am curious though, how are you? I hope your better than I am. If you are, I'm happy for you, really I truly am. If you are not, on the other hand, its ok, life has its ups and downs, sometimes more downs than we’d like, but it has its ups as well. so from one struggling person to another, a penny for your thoughts?
