TW ; suicide mention (tl;dr - I deleted my old snzblr blog but am back with this one because I need somewhere to complain about my families sneezes since ive ended up back here out of uni, despite trying so hard to avoid it. my family's sneezes make me wanna die, I hate it here and im constantly on edge because my family could sneeze at any point)
I deleted my old sneeze fetish blog a while ago. I have made a new one, this one, pretty much only to complain about my family's sneezes.
I moved out of uni for the last time ever 2 days ago, it has been one of the most difficult things ive ever had to do. I've been searching for a job since last November because I had aimed to be able to move out into my own place straight out of uni. That did not happen.
Moving back into my parents' house for just the summers in-between academic years sucked, but, I knew that I had a place to live come September. This is it. I have to remain here until I get a job, which has been - seemingly - absolutely impossible, and earn enough to move out.
I hate it here. Words cannot explain how much this house and the people in it make me miserable. I always thought I would take my own life if I were ever in a position where I had to stay at my parents' house for an unspecified amount of time, but I cannot, in good faith, do that when I have fun gigs and concerts and shows to attend in the upcoming months. It's a very effective method of suicide prevention, works SO well but it's so annoying because I will buy a ticket to a gig and then be angry at myself because I know, no matter how hard times, I will/have to stay alive to attend it.
My least favourite thing about here is when my family members sneeze. The walls in this stupid fucking awful house are insanely thin, so im always on edge because they could sneeze at any time and I *will* absolutely hear it. Before I went to uni, it only bothered me if I was in the same room as the family member who sneezed but I cannot hear any sneezes from family in any way without getting annoyed, like, an unhealthy amount.
This being a problem that I deal with makes me feel so strange, it makes me feel like such a weirdo, and so insanely lonely.
My friends know how much I hate it, and have always hated it, here. I come from an emotionally abusive household, I have never been treated well by my parents. I have life-long issues with my mental health. My mental health has improved since moving away to uni and having that time away and realising why I feel and react in certain ways, and working on what I do when I feel triggered. I used to lash out, I have since gotten better at regulating my emotions and am able to rationalise with myself in my head and not react outwardly. Most of my friends do not know, some do but most don't, that the real big problem I have is the idea of potentially hearing my family sneeze and the debilitating anxiety I experience as a result.
Going away and having that time away has made having a sneeze fetish feel unbearable. Before uni, my family's sneezes annoyed me but living here was all I knew and, yeah, hearing them sneeze sucked, but, it was just the way it was because getting annoyed at people for sneezing would've been crazy. Going and having that time away and returning to it means that it drives me insane. I don't understand at all how it did not bother me all that much prior to uni.
It's such a unique problem to have. People on here, snzblr, understand me - I think/assume. Hearing my family sneeze brings out an anger in me that I thought ceased to exist when 14yo me did.
When I was at uni, I would forget about the baseline level anxiety that I experience when at my parents' house. As soon as I stepped through that front door 2 days ago, especially knowing that this is it until I can find somewhere else to live, it all came flooding back. I have a certain amount of anxiety when living here that I just did not whilst at uni, because hearing the people i was living with at uni sneeze didn't put the fear into me because it wasn't the worst thing possible for me.
I have explained to friends who are aware of my sneeze fetish that hearing my family sneeze is almost like, for example, if people without sneeze fetishes were to constantly be on edge about their family flashing them or something. I know I cannot ever make anyone who is not in my exact position understand that hearing a sneeze from my parents or sister is one of the worst things that could happen to me, however, some have been able to somewhat understand when I have said 'I am constantly on edge about someone in my household sneezing, I know this seems insane/crazy/absurd because it's just a sneeze and everyone does it, however, imagine if you were constantly at risk of, for example, your family members flashing you. Imagine if you were to be in a situation where you knew your family members were going to flash you but you have no idea when and if you were to ask them to stop, they will say that they can't help it. So you go around trying to avoid it as best you can, but there are moments where it is completely unavoidable'. It isn't a great comparison/metaphor for the struggle I experience, because that isn't something that happens but it is the best that I have got.
Having a sneeze fetish and, as a result, being the human embodiment of anxiety when around my family because they might sneeze at any point is such an isolating experience. Of course, my friends understand that I have always hated my family home because it has always been awful for my mental health anyway, however, there are friends of mine that will never understand the extent to which I loathe being here because of the possibility of hearing a sneeze or sneezes at any time.
It makes me feel, like, genuinely insane sometimes. This household is a place in which I have suffered physical abuse, this household is a place in which I suffer emotional abuse, I have life-long mental health issues because of the way my parents have treated me since I was young, I have never known peace here, however, the thing that really really really makes me spiral is hearing my family members sneeze ... ? When I think about it like that, I feel so silly, but, I would do ANYTHING if it would guarantee that I would never hear another sneeze from a family member ever again. I would have a limb chopped off, I would pay a ridiculous amount of money if it meant I would never hear my parents or sister sneeze again, I've wished to become deaf - even though my favourite thing in this world is listening to music - because it would mean not hearing my family sneezing.
In May last year, I bought some really good noise-cancelling headphones because I knew that coming back here for the summer before my final year of uni was going to drive me insane because I would, inevitably, hear my family sneeze. They cost me £223 and they were so insanely good, i bought them specifically to not hear my family sneeze, but, I listen to music a LOT so they were a worthy investment. They broke JUST BEFORE I moved back here. I had been freaking out thinking about moving back ""home"" (in " " because this is NOT home to me) and was like 'at least I have my noise cancelling headphones!', they broke the very next day. I cant afford to get them repaired nor can I afford to get a new pair because I don't have a job even though I've been trying to become employed since last November. With the last bit of my student loan, I went out and bought some "noise-cancelling" headphones from a local shop for £20. They aren't noise-cancelling in the way my other ones had been and I hadn't expected them to be, since they cost £20. So I am back to always listening to music, when what I liked about my old headphones was I could just have them on the noise-cancelling setting and not hear any potential sneezes that way.
I hate the uncertainty of never knowing if I am about to hear a sneeze from the family members in my household, as well as not having a leg to stand on in being annoyed about it because I can't ask them to stop/not do that. Headphones always on, music playing, doing my absolute best to block them out, but I know some will slip through the cracks anyway.
Theres also obviously moments where I cant have them on. When going to sleep, when in the shower, when getting dressed, etc, I have to just be as quick as I can doing those things but it is hard when the anxiety of potentially hearing a family member sneeze is coursing through my veins. Last night was my second night here and I could tell my sister was still awake when I was trying to sleep, I took my headohones off because I cant sleep with them on (otherwise I would) and it felt like I was bracing for impact as though I was doing something dangerous. My body cannot tell the difference between being held at gunpoint and there being a chance I will hear a sneeze from a family member and it is exhausting.
