ONE. ANGST
Our brains are made up of different mechanisms and chemicals that work to make sure our body functions efficiently, but there are instances when even the wirings of your mind get tangled up. After all, we aren’t perfect, and so are the parts that make us.
For almost two years, I struggled to understand what was going on within me. I experienced long periods of sadness paired up with the occasional anxiety. It made me feel completely out of touch from myself. Every move felt out of character. There was a heavy cloud hovering above me and an internal black hole swallowing whatever positive energy or passion for life I had within me. Episodes of endless sadness would visit me unexpectedly leaving me too drained to recover after. I remembered having days when I had to go to the bathroom every subject because of the urge to break down. My grades dropped because of my apathy towards school work. Even my performance in extracurricular activities was negatively affected because I lost the drive to be productive. No matter how hard I tried to keep my internal struggles to myself, the pain manifested itself physically. My messed up sleeping cycles and loss of appetite became apparent. None of it made sense but if anything was clear, it was my desire to make it all stop.
I never knew what to answer when people asked what was wrong. Aside from my uncontrollable mood, things seemed to be where they should be. I remember dismissing it as a teenage phase, completely oblivious to the fact that I was already showing symptoms of a mental illness.
I look back now and realize how that chapter of my life could have ended sooner had I not been clueless as to what was happening. My journey to diagnosis and treatment was not easy. To get myself checked, I had to ask help outside my family.
It was not only the battle against the disorder that challenged me, but a battle against the stigma with mental illnesses. I was a victim of the prejudice and misconceptions that society has attached to these disorders and my own self-stigma.
It took me a while before I asked for help because I always thought mental illnesses were rare and grave conditions. What I failed to realize then and many people continue to ignore now is that mental or personality disorders form a wide spectrum that shouldn’t be generalized or distorted, the way media does today.
I still remember ranting my frustrations over losing my passion for things that mattered so much to me and the constant need to shut the world out over lunch with a friend who happened to be in medication for depression. I can still recall how that conversation gave me goose bumps because for the first time, someone was able to put into words what I was feeling. She told me to go to my mom or a trusted adult and seek help to visit a psychologist. I tried to bring it up to my mom that same day but I was worried that she would think that I was making excuses to justify my lack of interest in fulfilling my responsibilities. She told me that all I had to do was pray and stop thinking about it. I found myself going to teachers I trusted, trying to tell them that I needed help and that I had no idea what to do or where to go but I would always get the same response. It’s just a phase. Somehow, it was tiring to hear them say that I should just choose to be happy when clearly I had no control over changing my mindset. I was dragging myself through each day and telling me to cheer up wasn’t going to magically change that. Although I did feel let down, I knew then that they weren’t to be blamed completely. My mother came from a generation when people couldn’t say these illnesses aloud or even think it to be real. My teachers were probably worried at how easy it was for some of my peers to throw words like depression or anxiety around.
Stigma is the biggest hindrance to mental health care worldwide. Millions of people are affected with these disorders annually but only a very small number get the help they need or even get diagnosed. They are terrified of the reaction or lack of support from unbelieving loved ones. When children aren’t given support by their parents for their mental health, their options for treatment are limited to therapy and lifestyle changes. This means that they might have to face treatment alone, much like I did.
We live in a society that links mental illnesses to criminal or authoritarian tendencies. The media has painted these people out to be incapable of doing everyday work, that they should be locked away or coerced into treatment. They deprive these individuals of the opportunity to live like normal human beings. We need to stop viewing people with these disorders as if they are out of control and unstable, instead we should treat them like we treat people with physical disabilities. The only difference is that their challenge isn’t visible.
I experienced these stereotypes and misconceptions first-hand when I tried to open up to the classmates I was closest to in class after I got my diagnosis. “Sabihin mo na lang kung tinatamaan ka na naman”, “Sakit ba ‘yan ng mga matatalino?”, or “I’m sorry but I don’t know how to deal with those things” aren’t the most comforting reactions. Although, it is mostly a result of the chemical imbalances in my head, it didn’t help that I couldn’t find a support system in the people I surrounded myself with. These were the moments when I needed my family and my friends the most.
Although society should stop characterizing mental disorders as dangerous and terrifying, it’s even more harmful for media to portray them glamorously. Social media is an effective tool against the stigma because it becomes an avenue for discussion but today, it made these psychological disorders appear trendy and edgy. This contributes even more to the stigma because it creates this fallen hero narrative which is far from what mental illnesses are. Misconstrued concepts and generalizations of these disorders are perpetuated. The romanticization on tumblr encourages self-destructive behaviour and self-diagnosis. Disorders like OCD or bipolar become terms used to describe personalities or label negative behavior. Mental issues are desensitized and treated liked zodiac signs. They make it appear as if everyone has it.
If there’s anything I am sure of, it’s that there was nothing poetic about the pain I felt when I was depressed. Depression shouldn’t be celebrated or shunned; instead it should be given the right and serious attention.
Months since then, I am much better. Although there is fear that depression may return, at the very least I am aware that it is merely due to the hormones in my brain. I shouldn’t balme myself for being weak and I can still keep doing what I want to do. There are however, millions of people who continue to be unaware or ignorant about what they or their loved ones may be going through. There are millions of people who may be deprived of a respect or personal opportunities because people don’t understand.









