RAVE

absurdist. in a state of perpetual sadness.

[deep-rave]

Twisted

She came for thrills

He gave her fears

That scared look in her eyes

That hungry stare in his eyes

That mouth drooling from the choking

That mouth bearing a glimmering

smile

Those hands tapping the floor, tapping to say no more–

But those hands tightening the grip, fingers buried so deep

around the neck

The sudden loss of consciousness

The heightened level of senses

And then again

That scared look in her eyes

That hungry stare in his eyes

The mouth uttering a word

The mouth still grinning– absurd

The hands continued tapping the floor

The hands slowly released

until no more

The sudden rush of consciousness

– what was supposedly a mess.

---

She came for thrills

He gave her fears

He made hers real

She felt the chills

And all the while they think that they were twisted.

[deep-rave]

What does it really feel like to be robbed off your freedom and agency? To be fully aware, ironically, that you no longer control your body and your mind?

[deep-rave]

security is different from possession

[deep-rave]

COVID

I watch as the numbers rise and compassion falls.

I watch as corruption grows and hope withers.

In between frustration and indifference,

I see myself crumbling and falling at my feet.

The world is in devastation.

Partially, people cling to the devotion of the frontliners.

But deep inside, I feel their desperation.

How am I going to survive with my meager savings?

How long will I last and not lose my sanity?

How will I cope with this cruel reality that this phenomenon will wipe away the poor in a snap?

Those we put our hopes into-

Those whose lives are unquestionably comfortable amid a crisis-

Those we put into power, hoping they will help us in times of need

Are those who are slowly killing us and robbing us the hope that we will be okay.

Fear, despair, muffled cries.

Screams of discontentment.

Plea for better solutions.

Criticisms. Suggestions.

We can do so much more.

We can do better.

We can act faster.

 But we are not on the throne.

We scream. We let our voices break. We tire ourselves.

But the world is too cruel. The leaders are harsh and selfish.

They only care for the power they will acquire.

They do not care for us.

Here, in my room, the sky is so bright.

But deep, deep inside of each and every one of us,

Fear is eating us.

Death waits in the image of a tiny, microscopic organism.

[deep-rave]

Funny how I slowly lose the people I want for my life in my attempt to keep them all. Maybe it’s true, you can’t have everything. Maybe it’s true, you gotta lose some to keep some. Or maybe human beings are just selfish and egoistic.

[deep-rave]

One way or another you’re gonna hurt the people you care about. And until they’re healed or have accepted the pain, the only thing you can do is to make them feel that you deeply feel sorry about it. You care about them and you surely don’t want to hurt them, but there are things that are beyond what you’re capable of controlling. You just hope that someday they will understand the reason why it had to happen.

[deep-rave]

but really, how do you close a chapter in your life, how do you fully come to terms with a peaceful closure, if it were left in a limbo, if it were never given an end?

[deep-rave]

there’s this constant struggle in me, a struggle that i can’t reconcile until now. this struggle of how to completely bare the “dark” side of me while ever carefully not damaging the reputation i religiously built for years is eating me up once in a while. sometimes i wish i were more carefree, more indifferent to what the world says. but i know that as long i live for my dreams built from my reputation in this society i live in, i cannot be just that “carefree”.

sometimes i wish i just had all the courage to completely walk away and start over again, be anonymous once more, forget my dreams and just embrace this yinyang completely.

[deep-rave]

love is about how well you break your heart and how proudly you put the broken pieces back

[deep-rave]

Let

let me be a chandelier,

to light even your darkest corners.

let me a bookshelf,

to store all your deepest darkest secrets.

let me be a coffee table,

to catch the spilled drinks poisoning your insides.

let me be a chair,

to hold you on your throne.

let me be an ornament,

to decorate your rotten core.

put me in a cage,

to slowly crawl back into mediocrity.

put me in confinement,

and gradually recess.

put me in silence,

make me know more about darkness.

put me in place,

to be the object you made me i desire to be.

[deep-rave]

Rope Intimacy

There are actually two kinds of intimacy that I feel during a rope session.

The first is my intimacy to the rope itself- how it sticks on my skin, how I feel its tightness, how it dissolves on me because it gradually becomes a part of my body. And the second one, the result of the first, is when I start feeling the flow and movements of the rigger. It's the time when I slowly forget the technical ways the rigger ties the rope on my body, but on how the rigger diligently coils the rope, touches my body, as I listen to the breathing and feel the touching of our skin whenever we get close to each other.

I love it when I feel that the rigger doesn't only focus on the technical aspect of rope bondage, but also moves according to the flow of ropes and become the rope itself.

I love it when it feels like I am an invisible being; just a dummy being bound in ways that the rigger likes- that the act of tying can either be gentle or violent in coiling, recoiling, or uncoiling the ropes.

I am merely a doll. I do not exist on the rigger's vision. I cannot predict the movements. I am only there to absorb the pain of every tie. And in the end, I become the subject of art. I become the art.

But we both connect physically and mentally.

This rope intimacy lets me achieve the spiritual and therapeutic effect of rope bondage. And that's the kind of intimacy I crave. That even without sex, there is this mutual connection between the rigger and I, and that we're both bound by a rope.

[deep-rave]

When I Die

When I die, burn my body until it becomes ashes;

secure my bones-

no, not inside an urn, that would be useless;

a simple wooden container would be just fine

to contain me.

Travel to a place where there is a view of the sea,

and walk me there.

Take a last glimpse of the horizon, for me,

and breathe the salty air; let it be invited inside your lungs.

I want you to appreciate how vast the ocean looks,

like how I have appreciated it when I was still alive

even with so much fear inside.

Then throw me near the shore

where I will be one with the sand

and where I will wait for the waves

to wash me

towards the seabed.

For the last time I want to face my fears of the sea

and finally say-

as I get washed in while some of me gets drifted by the wind-

that at last,

I'm free.

[deep-rave]

Ashes and Black Petals

Tell me the sweetest words you can ever tell me

before this world ends.

I want to remember something sweet, at the least

before I finally close my eyes.

Give me the tightest hug you can ever give before we fall apart.

I want to remember your warmth

when it’s no longer possible to even hold your hand.

Kiss me passionately.

Kiss me deeply with your tongue.

Let us remember how we taste between each other’s arms.

There will come a time that we can no longer let our lips touch.

We’re running out of time.

We’re racing against the clock.

At this hour of uncertainty,

let us feel each other’s body until we can no longer do so.

Until all we feel is exhaustion and desperation.

We fall like ashes in the air, drifted by the wind.

We touch the ground and we become so small.

We no longer know where we are.

We wither and become black petals-- dry and brittle.

We will wait for this moment when even a tiny break

will make us collapse.

Let me hear your voice.

Let me touch you.

Let me kiss you.

Let me hug you.

Let me make love to you,

for the last time,

as we become ashes and black petals

falling on a deserted ground.

[deep-rave]

Closure

I know that feelings fleet and nothing really lasts forever. Everything has to end, soon. But it's really difficult to accept this truth every time I choose to put my emotions at stake, hoping, really hoping that this is finally the right moment. And it's even harder to accept the fact that my perceived fairytale has to end sooner than I expected. have finally found the right reasons to do so; that I'm willing to fight off some of my prejudices for things to work.

But I guess I perceived things wrongly, once more. I guess I underestimated an external factor. I guess I jumped quickly into conclusions. Because I was too excited with the thought of coming into the right terms. Because I hoped too much that this is the right time. And now I’m pretty much stuck in a limbo, yet I know I shouldn't be here for too long. I need to close this as soon as I can. I need to prevent the hole from turning into a giant void in my heart.

I have to let go.

And move on.

And forget all the plans I have in mind.

And just remember that this is yet another miscalculated step towards finding the right piece in my ever-complex life choices – a puzzle that I'm longing to complete.

It won't be an easy step. Closure is a damn painful process. But I don't need to hurt myself anymore. I've been hurt for so long, for so many other reasons. I don't want another one to shatter me again into a thousand broken pieces, only to be put back my own bleeding hands.