I’m laying in bed sobbing right now, not because I’m sad nerve is at it’s ending but bc it is truly one of the best works I’ve read on here to date and I am not exaggerating. At all. Not one bit. The emotions I’ve felt while reading this coupled with the plot twist?! Like I just, I don’t have words. This story will forever be so special to me. It took me places far from my own sad thoughts and ugh please accept my virtual hugs 😭 tysm Dee, for sharing this masterpiece with us 💜💜💜
🥺🥺 I'm sorry you were sobbing but I also understand why.
I cannot explain how deeply it hits resonates with me, that this au has impacted you this much.
Thank you for complimenting my writing and this au, as always it's so greatly appreciated.
For a long time i second guessed even the miniscule dialogues and reactions, and even the plot. Ngl as TMI as this is, in terms of shower thoughts and carpooling to work and in between lunches and coffee breaks i mulled over the plot and Nerve and the storyline and I was dead set on having a happy ending in terms of them staying together but not happy in their life, yet.
It's just been so freaking unreal. Istg I'm so bad at finishing things. Like I spur head on into new ideas and I'm so excited and I FELT that heaviness creeping up a bit, I did, but to knew I had to finish this and I knew I could and I did and I cannot explain the feeling.
And hell yeah I am so excited to do more. But not diving into any of that just yet.
Overall, nerve taking away your sadness a little and helping you get through a day or an hour or even a few minutes to keep being strong and keep the necessary in life and providing that comfort...it's everything. And thank you for receiving this au the way you have ❤️
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Word Count - 3.4k
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A/N - This is it. The end of the first era. GODDAMN. I mean 13 months is a long time. And just for context, the whole au, is over 300k words. So if you've read all of that, hats off to you.
My amazing betas. Thank you for being with me on this long journey. @hxseok-honee for the first ever read of Nerve, spurring me onward. My sister from another mister, my love, @casnextdoor for the prompt, the one that started it all, betaing numerous chapters, reading my rants and essays on who what when where and why, for naming chapters like Dependency, and giving me strength for chapters like Finale [R] and for loving me, to always check on me and make sure I'm not putting writing before food and sleep and mental health which I have before. @shina913 for the whatsapp messages, the inspiring talks, the ideas and discussions, the betaing and the friend that you are thank you so much for treating Nerve as you have, as your own. @jaysdimples for the betaing, for the hype and the love and the genuine support and the voice notes and asks, sigh, I adore you. And my best guy friend who I know usually checks in on here because he's as invested in my writing as I am, and he's watched me pace around my office and squeeze in writing time and bitch about the emotions my characters are feeling, I appreciate you.
My honourable mentions, @moresarcasm for listening to me bitch about my plot endlessly and for always welcoming me with open arms every single time I needed it.
Some of the supports that I would not have continued to update without @justmewondering-recs you are absolutely the one that dissects and makes me think and research and believe and I have loved every single reblog even when they were long and clogged up the TL. @onlythehobi as if I can ever do without your username popping up, thank you for being there every single week and having me look forward to your feedback. @cuteipat , three reblogs at a time, the hype cannot be compared, thank you for being such a great friend to me. @blushingatyou, @codeinebelle, @toriluvsfics for the dms, that hold my hand and remind me that I can talk, that I can be true to my vision, that I am a great writer and how much you love Nerve and I have loved every single second of your support, you are absolutely amazing people. To my commentors I would love to name you, but the post only allows for fifty mentions and I'm out here like?? But thank you for the weekly reads, the comments, the INVESTMENT.
Sharing Nerve was something life changing because of the ones who have read it and have appreciated the au for how it's played out. It was by far one of my longest commitments and something challenging that I seem to have accomplished.
Thank you for being a part of this with me. Truly.
- Dee 🖤
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Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. - Sigmund Freud
'Not surprised to find you here.'
Helen lifted her head toward the voice and smiled. She'd heard his footsteps on the walkway to the terrace. If he didn't want her to, he'd have made sure of it.
Turning back, Helen let her surroundings in. The moon was high, round and white, sitting in the blanket of the night sky. Finding stars was hard when the cityscape robbed the tiny dots of its luminescence.
Helen preferred the city anyway.
Helen Mei didn't have time to waste on trivial things like watching the stars and spinning dreams like a hopeless romantic.
No. She had a lot of work to do.
'You left pretty early.' It was more an observation than a question, but he answered her regardless.
'Namjoon and Hoseok were becoming… problematic.' He said in his signature robotic tone.
Throughout all her schemes and plans, Huru had always been her trump card.
And not only was he the strongest one to have, she knew he’d also never let her down.
Huru sighed. 'Besides,’ he chipped off his robot voice with each word, acknowledging her privilege to experience his emotions, ‘Kenta is too occupied to have me followed for once. How could I not make the most of it?’
'Hmm,' Helen smiled as she sipped from her glass, the golden liquid chilled from the winter air, 'the whole band seems to have that 'being a problem' thing in common. And a few others.'
To be fair, Kenta was a great guy, Helen had a lot of respect for him. It was just unfortunate that he always stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong, most of the time it was all things y/n. And that didn’t bode well for Helen. Her now brother-in-law was too smart for his own good.
Huru stepped up to her, and rubbed his hands down her arms, before bringing one of her palms up to his lips. He gently nipped at her fingers.
'They won't be a problem any longer.' She felt a tickle from his breath.
Tearing her gaze away from the buildings below, Helen turned in her boyfriend’s arms. 'How are you so sure?'
He gave nothing away. He didn't make a face. He didn't fidget under her scrutiny. He met her stare head on.
It was his inner strength that had always called to her.
'Every single one of those men has too much going on. And with your sister and Kenta out of the way, y/n will be more vulnerable than ever.'
Helen's lip curled up in distaste. Kim Y/n. A permanent thorn in her side.
She didn't hate, y/n. Not at first anyway.
But build ups only had one final destination.
‘I’m surprised you didn’t come to your sister’s wedding.’
Helen didn’t imagine the twinge in her gut, but she did push it away as soon as she acknowledged what it was. 'My presence wasn't necessary.' Yuna made that perfectly clear.
'Well… your absence was felt.'
A streak of satisfaction curled around Helen's spine. She needed Yuna to miss her.
Yuna had always been one of the most important people in her life. They’d shared a womb after all. But beyond that, they shared memories with their parents, stories about the boys in the playground and the mean girls that needed to be put in their place. Clothes, toys, a mutual understanding of hobbies. Above all, Helen had always valued secrets, until Yuna stopped telling her those.
Sometimes… it really was a lost cause.
‘Heli! I submitted my script for the school play!’
Helen scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. ‘The final draft?’
Yuna nodded excitedly.
‘Without a beta?’
‘Oh, I had y/n read the final draft. And I was just too excited to wait to submit.’
But we brainstormed it together.
‘I emailed you a copy.’ Yuna turned to leave their shared bedroom.
‘Uncle Kwang is treating us to Italian, let me know what you think when you get to it,’ she called over her shoulder.
Helen’s lip curled in distaste; a mild reaction compared to the storm in her heart.
They spent endless hours on the floor of their bedroom talking about characters, and reactions and, and…
It was not Helen’s work. Yuna had every right to consult with Y/n and talk about the play and even submit. But the act of excluding Helen, made her feel… small. Like her opinion didn’t matter anymore.
And it was not the first time.
‘Yuna I thought you were going with the pink.’ Helen watched as her twin donned a dark green dress with a skirt that flares from the waist, the pastel pink, sweetheart-neckline column dress thrown haphazardly on the bed.
‘Y/n said I should try a different color.’ Helen looked down at the light blue carbon copy of the pink dress on her own body. The ringing in her ear caused her to glare at her sister through the mirror.
‘Just because she doesn’t like pink, doesn’t mean everyone around her should stop using the color.’
‘She didn’t mean it like that.’ Yuna dismissed her sister. ‘She just suggested I try a different color dress for once.’ Yuna twirled in the mirror. ‘And I have to admit, the green really compliments my skin tone.’
Helen had to admit, she made a good point. The green was a rich tone that offset Yuna’s mocha, but Helen was not about to say any of that out loud.
It was always y/n.
‘Y/n can sleep over.’
‘Y/n can share my blanket.’
‘Y/n what do you wanna do?’
‘I’m sleeping over at y/n’s, she needs me.’
What about me, Yuna, don’t I need you…
‘But Y/n said –,’
‘But Y/n thinks –,’
‘But Y/n wants –,’
Y/n. Y/n. Y/n! Always Y/n!
Helen shook her head against the thoughts and her rising anger.
She felt Huru's arm tighten around her in comfort.
Helen could have dealt with her jealousy of Y/n's life. She could deal with the fact that Y/n had everything she could ever ask for. Both her parents. Old money handed down to her. A legacy to follow up on.
Y/n had a path laid out before her, and all she had to do was live up to it.
Helen wasn't whining in that aspect. It was good to be in control of destiny. Make your own choices and decisions. But she had always been indebted to her uncle. Yuna and Helen were not his daughters, but he took care of them anyway as if they were.
It was hard to feel like she constantly had to ask, and there was a tab accumulating that was owed, but by far the worst was feeling like a burden.
And maybe it would have been manageable if the ones present in the makeshift family, were able to actually be that family.
But Yuna clicked with Y/n. And that was fine. Helen would never fault her sister with having friends and making them and she would do her best to get along with them. And Helen tried, she really did try to be friends with Y/n. But the more she tried, the worse it got.
Then it was her house that y/n always be present in. Then their time. Dinner. Outings.
And at last, it was her Uncle.
‘Did Uncle Kwang show up, like he said he would?’
Helen loved her Uncle. She would always be grateful to him… and more than a little protective. A flash of y/n’s face crossed her mind… especially when it came to spineless bitches.
‘Yeah, he put on quite a show.’ Huru spoke, a tiny bit of admiration laced in his words. ‘I’ve never seen y/n that uncomfortable. Add in Kenta, Namjoon and the whole Scooby gang, all in all, it was quite entertaining.’
Good.
Helen could understand that Kwang connected on a different level to Y/n. She shared his knowledge of architecture, indulged in his hobby for non technical based drawings, and they connected on their perspective of the world. Animated discussions would take place over the kitchen counter as the food was cooked, views and comments on the latest news would be exchanged, debates on company politics… even Yuna knew when she was excluded from the conversation, but her sister took it in stride – Helen did not.
All Y/n did was takeover. It was in her blood, just like her father.
Maybe Kwang never did actually have the capacity to be a parental figure, but Helen would have liked for him to have the chance.
He could have attended Yuna’s plays, Neenah’s first trial, weekly family dinners if they were lucky, instead he was always cooped up in his office with Kim Y/n.
It wasn’t until much later that Helen had learned why.
It was disgusting the way y/n had sold herself. Whether it was her Uncle’s attention, or dirt on him so she could steal his shares, the game y/n had played was slow, methodical and beyond repulsive. Helen’s actions paled in comparison.
And for far too long, Helen had let it go. She’d stepped away, took a backseat, as a friend, as a sister, even as a niece, but once her Uncle told her about y/n’s antics, it was game over.
‘Heli,’ Huru nipped Helen’s chin. ‘Where’d you go?’
‘Thinking about our next step,' she replied wistfully. ‘Maiya is definitely out of the equation.
'So ‘Neenah’ is not going to represent her and get her out?'
Helen clicked her tongue, the light teasing in Huru’s tone keeping her annoyance at Maiya at bay. 'She's played her part. She had all the tools, including a gun and her role all but set out for her in easy steps and she still fucked it up.'
Maiya Song had been one of Helen's roommates in university. It was an easy friendship. Maiya wanted to find her brother, and Helen wanted to be a good lawyer.
Over the years Helen had handled helping find Mihlan, convincing him of his sister's intentions, that all she wanted was to provide a better life for him. Helen had even designated herself the Song family lawyer, saving Mihlan more times than she could count and playing an active role in his journey in and out of rehab centers.
But everyone had their limits. And Helen was no longer the soft-hearted, giving woman she was when she was younger.
At some point Maiya was less of a friend, and more of a burden. But Maiya always begged, and pleaded to save her brother, even when Mihlan deliberately did the wrong things and joined the wrong crowds and Helen understood the love one would have for their sibling… But enough was enough.
Helen didn't even care that the most recent incident wasn't Mihlan's fault, he'd used up all of his ‘get out of jail free’ cards and Neenah had a lot more going on.
Gambit had cheated her out of that promotion. Her superiors had known that she used a different name outside the practice. It was non-legal and not ethically or morally wrong. Her name on the bar was Neenah Jae for chrissake.
But it was all too 'iffy' according to the board. And such a character could not be on the front-line of the firm.
They would live to regret their decision. Helen would make sure of it.
So yeah, Maiya Song was done, so was her brother. They were effectively removed from the situation. And if Maiya sang like her surname implied, Helen had a lot more to nail her with. Mihlan Song had been very busy.
And Huru had been saving her ass, so many times, in the secrets department and more. That heads up before Y/n and Namjoon visited Gambit was so small, but also one of many perks to having him on the inside.
'Thank you for splicing the footage by the way,' Helen curled her fingers between Huru's, 'and for planting the gun behind the counter of VIP3 for her to pick up with her Orbit uniform.’
Huru shrugged. ‘It wasn’t hard.’ He rested his head on her shoulder and looked toward the city nightlife. ‘When I was checking the counter for cameras or chips, I just had to strap it under, so the ‘waitress’ for the evening could easily get a hold of it.'
‘Yeah, Bree’s security is quite thorough, especially with weapons. Only certain bodyguards and security detail can get around the rule. Her own bouncers aren’t allowed to carry firearms.’
‘Too bad Maiya didn't use it properly. It was a complete and utter shitshow.’
‘Just like her brother.’
Helen clenched her hands on the railing in front of her and let the cold of the steel bite her skin. ‘It would have been so easy, so easy, if Y/n just left him.’ Or if Maiya just got a lucky shot.
As far as Helen knew, Y/n was always insecure about her relationship with her husband, she always thought she was less, that he deserved better. She was right.
And by blowing up at her straight after the confession and telling her to stay with Namjoon out of desperation, Helen thought Y/n would be too proud not to leave him. Obviously not out of self-respect, but of the fear that she really would never be enough for the idol.
Y/n’s world would crumble if only Namjoon was removed from the equation. Helen had already bided her time, waiting for her sister to take Kenta away.
Having her husband, having Yuna, Kenta, the band to turn to, gave Y/n a strength that no one, not even Helen could contest with.
But one by one, her plans had been falling apart.
‘As for the footage, it didn’t take long. The same system was used at the bar.’
There was a consolation there. ‘At least Kenta doesn’t suspect anything about that footage.’
‘He doesn’t because he hasn’t seen it. That harddrive was taken by Yoongi and Jin.’ Huru had been collecting facts ever since she’d decided to put him on their radar.
Helen knew Y/n would want to keep things quiet, always thinking practically about reputation and career longevity. But even then, y/n would want to have some sort of control of the situation when the pictures were ‘leaked’.
A private investigator, one whose skills were too good to pass-up. Kenta knew he’d fucked up by pulling Huru in, but Huru was the best, and it was too late now.
Of course, Huru knew who Maiya’s roommate was. Helen turned her head to rub her cheek against Huru’s. He knew Neenah Jae, up close and personal.
‘But they can’t have any of the drive’s contents getting out so it's most probably destroyed. To top it off, the band wouldn’t want to actually see any of that footage again. It was too disappointing for them.’
‘Collateral damage.’ Helen heard herself say. The idea that Namjoon cheated on Y/n of his own free will, may have not played out as well as Helen liked, but it was still a solid one.
Getting a hold of the drive from Hazey’s bar was not a priority, but she would have to look into convincing Huru to take the risk to look for it. If Kenta watched it as meticulously as he watched the club footage, he’d find the parts that Huru deleted. Particularly the parts containing Maiya lacing Namjoon’s alcohol with hallucinogenics. If Namjoon were to be put through a urine test the days after, his results would have lit up like a Christmas Tree. Ketamine. Xanax. PCP. All capable of leaving him fatigued with uncoordinated movements, and completely susceptible to suggestion… he could have died considering she’d tied it all with alcohol, but they were a small dosage and it was worth the risk. Kim Namjoon loved his wife to obsession, and he was physically imposing, healthy, due to strenuous workouts and precision-based choreography, not to mention diets that kept him functioning.
Helen had to face it. A naked woman could approach Namjoon and he’d never take her up on the offer – Y/n was too important.
‘The wake-up call for that family is necessary.’ Helen shook her head in mock disappointment. ‘If only they knew each other’s secrets. A relationship under the radar, the oldest’s secret obsession, the demons that haunt every single one of them…’ she scoffed at the information Huru had dug up about the band. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart. She turned her head up to look at Huru. ‘And you’ll be y/n’s knight in shining armor when all hell breaks loose.’
She scoffed. Y/n was always too important to everyone.
Poor Namjoon. The sad part was that he would never know, he was never the one at fault. The only ones who knew about the drugs were either in jail, or would never say so. Huru definitely wouldn't.
Huru smirked. ‘Jealous.’
Helen glanced at his lips and back. ‘Very.’
It was always the plan to make it look like he was into y/n. Everyone would be more focused on him trying to get close to y/n and not suspect ulterior motives.
Possession. Jealousy. Protectiveness. They were all very volatile emotions, easily straining the band’s so-called strong bond with y/n and paving the way for an eruptive response purely for the cinematic experience.
When they broke away from their soft kiss, she breathed deeply, letting her thoughts be, oddly feeling more relaxed than she thought possible.
‘I’ve never asked you this,’ Huru started, ‘to be fair, I actually assumed that this was all about exposing y/n and making her as miserable as possible in the process, but…. I have yet to hear of that part of the plan. So what’s the endgame?’
The question made Helen frown. It was a redundant one, especially because they were so deep in the game.
‘Exposing y/n will do no good. We don’t have proof of it.’ Helen scoffed. ‘It’s a long shot when everyone trusts her so blindly. Any accusation… will fall on deaf ears.’ She folded her arms when Huru finished the last bit of her drink. ‘Do I want her without her family and her husband, sure, but my endgame has always been to separate her from my sister.’
Huru fell silent. ‘I’m not sure that’s possible, Heli.’
‘We’ll make it happen.’
Making y/n miserable was only a perk. Having her feel alone, having her loved ones ripped away from her, watching her life fall apart – Helen would be there for every minute of it.
‘I’ve already got Yuna across the country.’ Helen thought out loud. Huru tilted his head sideways in confusion. She smiled as she answered his silent question. ‘Who do you think negotiated the contract to get Yuna Mei to produce her own movie?’
A minute of stunned silence.
‘Wow.’ Huru said without emotion.
It didn’t take much. Gambit handled the studio’s legalities in Korea. Neenah played a part in the legal team, and slipping in Yuna’s name, along with her resume didn’t take much work. Yuna was, after all, very good at her job.
‘I’d do anything for my sister, Huru. You know that.’ Yuna might never love her as much, as she had stated, ‘at some point it’s your character… and I can’t deal with it anymore’ but Helen would always look out for her.
‘I know,’ Huru’s arms curled around her and crushed her to his front. ‘I’m here for you, baby. Whatever you need. I just hope it’s all worth it.’
It will be.
Helen was not naïve enough to believe that ruining y/n’s life would make her happy, but she did know that some part of her wanted to feel less… pain.
She had survived losing her parents. She survived losing her sister. She survived being alone and having no one to turn to. She survived that failed test, the cases she lost, the physical attack from one of her clients, the misogynistic behavior at her firm, the bitchy senior lawyer she got fired, processing her uncle’s experience – Helen survived it all and she survived it alone. But being strong didn’t negate the amount of struggle she had to go through. And maybe she was obsessed and a little psychotic and maybe it didn’t make sense to anyone else and maybe it never would… all Helen knew was that she would not be the only one to suffer anymore, consequences be damned, but Helen Mei would not be the only one with a heart broken beyond repair.
Ok first things first, congrats for finishing this fic and thank you a million times for sharing your beautiful work of art with us! This fic has touched me so deeply and it all comes down to your touching words and the way you convey characters and emotions 💜 I’m just so sad I joined the journey so late - I wish I were in it from the start!!
now, onto the actual epilogue: fuck Helen/Neenah.
We’ve known for a while that Huru was also a piece of shit but to have him so deeply rooted into the game was so surprising.
I remember you saying that you wanted to focus on real endings instead of just happy ones and you’ve done that so so well here! As much as I’m fuming that mc has another hurdle to get over, and as much as I’m livid that they might never know that Namjoon’s drink was laced (oh and believe me I am so so SO so angry about this), it just makes sense. it just makes sense that not all the truth will necessarily be out in the open in the end.
I’ve loved the premise of this fic (the aftermath) and it’s really fitting that it ended this way with mc and Namjoon about to deal with the aftermath of yet another event. I’m just happy that they’re endgame and that they recognise this. It’ll take time but I hope they come out stronger on the other side (and ugh my happy-ending-loving mind just hopes and prays and wishes for them to somehow find out about Namjoon’s drink being laced)
once again, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece of work with us and I look forward to more of your works. 💜
p.s. I see those hints on the stories of the other members of the band 👀👀👀
You literally steamrolled your way through here OMG, your username showing up in every single Finale, I was like heck yeah i like this person already,
Thank you for the congratulations. It really was a big accomplishment for me and I am revelling it right now.
Thank you for talking about my writing and my characters the way you have. I have my heart on the surface always and I've always let my writing speak for me,which is maybe why even in the happiness and softest moment there's a sliver of pain involved.
That was quite an exciting part for me ngl. Helen and Huru, they make alot of sense in the most toxic way possible and its just so bad for everyone else.
THESE:
Do you ever feel seen? Seen as in not just someone trusting to talk to you or share something with or even listening to what you truly honestly have to say, but when you have been understood without actually having to explain yourself. I hope you have. Because that's what these words make me feel.
The crux of it is that despite it being an evil plan, yn and joon were never really perfect, and what they have had to go through, could either make or break a couple but they're both hell bent on being there for each other and its just the most astounding thing because they balance each other. I've used this before as an analogy, but yn and joon are a capsule, in that capsule is the turbulent liquid form of their bond, yn is strong when joon isn't around and he trusts her to be, when joon is around and he's home from tours and work and schedule he runs the show and yn leans into his strength. In these situations joon has held onto yn and yn to joon when they both needed it. The fifty fifty is rare, and sometimes the liquid is too far on one end of the capsule before it sloshes to the other side but the casing is strong. They hold on. Their own fears and insecurities. Why he cheated. How. Yn's family. Past. Present pain. They deal. And it's making them stronger. And they cannot negate that fact even when Helen and Huru are exposed.
To have joon and yn know that his cheating wasnt real, would be chalking over all their progress in this au,
But things do come to light at the right time if necessary
And here:
Thank you. Thank you. I will a million times thank you for solidifying my feelings because I did not want to budge on this ending on the way things had to go down, on any of it.
As for joining the journey late. 🤗 I have six more spin-offs to do. 🫢 I'll be honest, their plots are Very vague. Even if I do make it seem like they're laid out. Either way, it's not the end of joon and yn, and hey, this seems to be the beginning of a great friendship 😄😋
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Word Count - 3.4k
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A/N - This is it. The end of the first era. GODDAMN. I mean 13 months is a long time. And just for context, the whole au, is over 300k words. So if you've read all of that, hats off to you.
My amazing betas. Thank you for being with me on this long journey. @hxseok-honee for the first ever read of Nerve, spurring me onward. My sister from another mister, my love, @casnextdoor for the prompt, the one that started it all, betaing numerous chapters, reading my rants and essays on who what when where and why, for naming chapters like Dependency, and giving me strength for chapters like Finale [R] and for loving me, to always check on me and make sure I'm not putting writing before food and sleep and mental health which I have before. @shina913 for the whatsapp messages, the inspiring talks, the ideas and discussions, the betaing and the friend that you are thank you so much for treating Nerve as you have, as your own. @jaysdimples for the betaing, for the hype and the love and the genuine support and the voice notes and asks, sigh, I adore you. And my best guy friend who I know usually checks in on here because he's as invested in my writing as I am, and he's watched me pace around my office and squeeze in writing time and bitch about the emotions my characters are feeling, I appreciate you.
My honourable mentions, @moresarcasm for listening to me bitch about my plot endlessly and for always welcoming me with open arms every single time I needed it.
Some of the supports that I would not have continued to update without @justmewondering-recs you are absolutely the one that dissects and makes me think and research and believe and I have loved every single reblog even when they were long and clogged up the TL. @onlythehobi as if I can ever do without your username popping up, thank you for being there every single week and having me look forward to your feedback. @cuteipat , three reblogs at a time, the hype cannot be compared, thank you for being such a great friend to me. @blushingatyou, @codeinebelle, @toriluvsfics for the dms, that hold my hand and remind me that I can talk, that I can be true to my vision, that I am a great writer and how much you love Nerve and I have loved every single second of your support, you are absolutely amazing people. To my commentors I would love to name you, but the post only allows for fifty mentions and I'm out here like?? But thank you for the weekly reads, the comments, the INVESTMENT.
Sharing Nerve was something life changing because of the ones who have read it and have appreciated the au for how it's played out. It was by far one of my longest commitments and something challenging that I seem to have accomplished.
Thank you for being a part of this with me. Truly.
- Dee 🖤
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Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. - Sigmund Freud
'Not surprised to find you here.'
Helen lifted her head toward the voice and smiled. She'd heard his footsteps on the walkway to the terrace. If he didn't want her to, he'd have made sure of it.
Turning back, Helen let her surroundings in. The moon was high, round and white, sitting in the blanket of the night sky. Finding stars was hard when the cityscape robbed the tiny dots of its luminescence.
Helen preferred the city anyway.
Helen Mei didn't have time to waste on trivial things like watching the stars and spinning dreams like a hopeless romantic.
No. She had a lot of work to do.
'You left pretty early.' It was more an observation than a question, but he answered her regardless.
'Namjoon and Hoseok were becoming… problematic.' He said in his signature robotic tone.
Throughout all her schemes and plans, Huru had always been her trump card.
And not only was he the strongest one to have, she knew he’d also never let her down.
Huru sighed. 'Besides,’ he chipped off his robot voice with each word, acknowledging her privilege to experience his emotions, ‘Kenta is too occupied to have me followed for once. How could I not make the most of it?’
'Hmm,' Helen smiled as she sipped from her glass, the golden liquid chilled from the winter air, 'the whole band seems to have that 'being a problem' thing in common. And a few others.'
To be fair, Kenta was a great guy, Helen had a lot of respect for him. It was just unfortunate that he always stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong, most of the time it was all things y/n. And that didn’t bode well for Helen. Her now brother-in-law was too smart for his own good.
Huru stepped up to her, and rubbed his hands down her arms, before bringing one of her palms up to his lips. He gently nipped at her fingers.
'They won't be a problem any longer.' She felt a tickle from his breath.
Tearing her gaze away from the buildings below, Helen turned in her boyfriend’s arms. 'How are you so sure?'
He gave nothing away. He didn't make a face. He didn't fidget under her scrutiny. He met her stare head on.
It was his inner strength that had always called to her.
'Every single one of those men has too much going on. And with your sister and Kenta out of the way, y/n will be more vulnerable than ever.'
Helen's lip curled up in distaste. Kim Y/n. A permanent thorn in her side.
She didn't hate, y/n. Not at first anyway.
But build ups only had one final destination.
‘I’m surprised you didn’t come to your sister’s wedding.’
Helen didn’t imagine the twinge in her gut, but she did push it away as soon as she acknowledged what it was. 'My presence wasn't necessary.' Yuna made that perfectly clear.
'Well… your absence was felt.'
A streak of satisfaction curled around Helen's spine. She needed Yuna to miss her.
Yuna had always been one of the most important people in her life. They’d shared a womb after all. But beyond that, they shared memories with their parents, stories about the boys in the playground and the mean girls that needed to be put in their place. Clothes, toys, a mutual understanding of hobbies. Above all, Helen had always valued secrets, until Yuna stopped telling her those.
Sometimes… it really was a lost cause.
‘Heli! I submitted my script for the school play!’
Helen scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. ‘The final draft?’
Yuna nodded excitedly.
‘Without a beta?’
‘Oh, I had y/n read the final draft. And I was just too excited to wait to submit.’
But we brainstormed it together.
‘I emailed you a copy.’ Yuna turned to leave their shared bedroom.
‘Uncle Kwang is treating us to Italian, let me know what you think when you get to it,’ she called over her shoulder.
Helen’s lip curled in distaste; a mild reaction compared to the storm in her heart.
They spent endless hours on the floor of their bedroom talking about characters, and reactions and, and…
It was not Helen’s work. Yuna had every right to consult with Y/n and talk about the play and even submit. But the act of excluding Helen, made her feel… small. Like her opinion didn’t matter anymore.
And it was not the first time.
‘Yuna I thought you were going with the pink.’ Helen watched as her twin donned a dark green dress with a skirt that flares from the waist, the pastel pink, sweetheart-neckline column dress thrown haphazardly on the bed.
‘Y/n said I should try a different color.’ Helen looked down at the light blue carbon copy of the pink dress on her own body. The ringing in her ear caused her to glare at her sister through the mirror.
‘Just because she doesn’t like pink, doesn’t mean everyone around her should stop using the color.’
‘She didn’t mean it like that.’ Yuna dismissed her sister. ‘She just suggested I try a different color dress for once.’ Yuna twirled in the mirror. ‘And I have to admit, the green really compliments my skin tone.’
Helen had to admit, she made a good point. The green was a rich tone that offset Yuna’s mocha, but Helen was not about to say any of that out loud.
It was always y/n.
‘Y/n can sleep over.’
‘Y/n can share my blanket.’
‘Y/n what do you wanna do?’
‘I’m sleeping over at y/n’s, she needs me.’
What about me, Yuna, don’t I need you…
‘But Y/n said –,’
‘But Y/n thinks –,’
‘But Y/n wants –,’
Y/n. Y/n. Y/n! Always Y/n!
Helen shook her head against the thoughts and her rising anger.
She felt Huru's arm tighten around her in comfort.
Helen could have dealt with her jealousy of Y/n's life. She could deal with the fact that Y/n had everything she could ever ask for. Both her parents. Old money handed down to her. A legacy to follow up on.
Y/n had a path laid out before her, and all she had to do was live up to it.
Helen wasn't whining in that aspect. It was good to be in control of destiny. Make your own choices and decisions. But she had always been indebted to her uncle. Yuna and Helen were not his daughters, but he took care of them anyway as if they were.
It was hard to feel like she constantly had to ask, and there was a tab accumulating that was owed, but by far the worst was feeling like a burden.
And maybe it would have been manageable if the ones present in the makeshift family, were able to actually be that family.
But Yuna clicked with Y/n. And that was fine. Helen would never fault her sister with having friends and making them and she would do her best to get along with them. And Helen tried, she really did try to be friends with Y/n. But the more she tried, the worse it got.
Then it was her house that y/n always be present in. Then their time. Dinner. Outings.
And at last, it was her Uncle.
‘Did Uncle Kwang show up, like he said he would?’
Helen loved her Uncle. She would always be grateful to him… and more than a little protective. A flash of y/n’s face crossed her mind… especially when it came to spineless bitches.
‘Yeah, he put on quite a show.’ Huru spoke, a tiny bit of admiration laced in his words. ‘I’ve never seen y/n that uncomfortable. Add in Kenta, Namjoon and the whole Scooby gang, all in all, it was quite entertaining.’
Good.
Helen could understand that Kwang connected on a different level to Y/n. She shared his knowledge of architecture, indulged in his hobby for non technical based drawings, and they connected on their perspective of the world. Animated discussions would take place over the kitchen counter as the food was cooked, views and comments on the latest news would be exchanged, debates on company politics… even Yuna knew when she was excluded from the conversation, but her sister took it in stride – Helen did not.
All Y/n did was takeover. It was in her blood, just like her father.
Maybe Kwang never did actually have the capacity to be a parental figure, but Helen would have liked for him to have the chance.
He could have attended Yuna’s plays, Neenah’s first trial, weekly family dinners if they were lucky, instead he was always cooped up in his office with Kim Y/n.
It wasn’t until much later that Helen had learned why.
It was disgusting the way y/n had sold herself. Whether it was her Uncle’s attention, or dirt on him so she could steal his shares, the game y/n had played was slow, methodical and beyond repulsive. Helen’s actions paled in comparison.
And for far too long, Helen had let it go. She’d stepped away, took a backseat, as a friend, as a sister, even as a niece, but once her Uncle told her about y/n’s antics, it was game over.
‘Heli,’ Huru nipped Helen’s chin. ‘Where’d you go?’
‘Thinking about our next step,' she replied wistfully. ‘Maiya is definitely out of the equation.
'So ‘Neenah’ is not going to represent her and get her out?'
Helen clicked her tongue, the light teasing in Huru’s tone keeping her annoyance at Maiya at bay. 'She's played her part. She had all the tools, including a gun and her role all but set out for her in easy steps and she still fucked it up.'
Maiya Song had been one of Helen's roommates in university. It was an easy friendship. Maiya wanted to find her brother, and Helen wanted to be a good lawyer.
Over the years Helen had handled helping find Mihlan, convincing him of his sister's intentions, that all she wanted was to provide a better life for him. Helen had even designated herself the Song family lawyer, saving Mihlan more times than she could count and playing an active role in his journey in and out of rehab centers.
But everyone had their limits. And Helen was no longer the soft-hearted, giving woman she was when she was younger.
At some point Maiya was less of a friend, and more of a burden. But Maiya always begged, and pleaded to save her brother, even when Mihlan deliberately did the wrong things and joined the wrong crowds and Helen understood the love one would have for their sibling… But enough was enough.
Helen didn't even care that the most recent incident wasn't Mihlan's fault, he'd used up all of his ‘get out of jail free’ cards and Neenah had a lot more going on.
Gambit had cheated her out of that promotion. Her superiors had known that she used a different name outside the practice. It was non-legal and not ethically or morally wrong. Her name on the bar was Neenah Jae for chrissake.
But it was all too 'iffy' according to the board. And such a character could not be on the front-line of the firm.
They would live to regret their decision. Helen would make sure of it.
So yeah, Maiya Song was done, so was her brother. They were effectively removed from the situation. And if Maiya sang like her surname implied, Helen had a lot more to nail her with. Mihlan Song had been very busy.
And Huru had been saving her ass, so many times, in the secrets department and more. That heads up before Y/n and Namjoon visited Gambit was so small, but also one of many perks to having him on the inside.
'Thank you for splicing the footage by the way,' Helen curled her fingers between Huru's, 'and for planting the gun behind the counter of VIP3 for her to pick up with her Orbit uniform.’
Huru shrugged. ‘It wasn’t hard.’ He rested his head on her shoulder and looked toward the city nightlife. ‘When I was checking the counter for cameras or chips, I just had to strap it under, so the ‘waitress’ for the evening could easily get a hold of it.'
‘Yeah, Bree’s security is quite thorough, especially with weapons. Only certain bodyguards and security detail can get around the rule. Her own bouncers aren’t allowed to carry firearms.’
‘Too bad Maiya didn't use it properly. It was a complete and utter shitshow.’
‘Just like her brother.’
Helen clenched her hands on the railing in front of her and let the cold of the steel bite her skin. ‘It would have been so easy, so easy, if Y/n just left him.’ Or if Maiya just got a lucky shot.
As far as Helen knew, Y/n was always insecure about her relationship with her husband, she always thought she was less, that he deserved better. She was right.
And by blowing up at her straight after the confession and telling her to stay with Namjoon out of desperation, Helen thought Y/n would be too proud not to leave him. Obviously not out of self-respect, but of the fear that she really would never be enough for the idol.
Y/n’s world would crumble if only Namjoon was removed from the equation. Helen had already bided her time, waiting for her sister to take Kenta away.
Having her husband, having Yuna, Kenta, the band to turn to, gave Y/n a strength that no one, not even Helen could contest with.
But one by one, her plans had been falling apart.
‘As for the footage, it didn’t take long. The same system was used at the bar.’
There was a consolation there. ‘At least Kenta doesn’t suspect anything about that footage.’
‘He doesn’t because he hasn’t seen it. That harddrive was taken by Yoongi and Jin.’ Huru had been collecting facts ever since she’d decided to put him on their radar.
Helen knew Y/n would want to keep things quiet, always thinking practically about reputation and career longevity. But even then, y/n would want to have some sort of control of the situation when the pictures were ‘leaked’.
A private investigator, one whose skills were too good to pass-up. Kenta knew he’d fucked up by pulling Huru in, but Huru was the best, and it was too late now.
Of course, Huru knew who Maiya’s roommate was. Helen turned her head to rub her cheek against Huru’s. He knew Neenah Jae, up close and personal.
‘But they can’t have any of the drive’s contents getting out so it's most probably destroyed. To top it off, the band wouldn’t want to actually see any of that footage again. It was too disappointing for them.’
‘Collateral damage.’ Helen heard herself say. The idea that Namjoon cheated on Y/n of his own free will, may have not played out as well as Helen liked, but it was still a solid one.
Getting a hold of the drive from Hazey’s bar was not a priority, but she would have to look into convincing Huru to take the risk to look for it. If Kenta watched it as meticulously as he watched the club footage, he’d find the parts that Huru deleted. Particularly the parts containing Maiya lacing Namjoon’s alcohol with hallucinogenics. If Namjoon were to be put through a urine test the days after, his results would have lit up like a Christmas Tree. Ketamine. Xanax. PCP. All capable of leaving him fatigued with uncoordinated movements, and completely susceptible to suggestion… he could have died considering she’d tied it all with alcohol, but they were a small dosage and it was worth the risk. Kim Namjoon loved his wife to obsession, and he was physically imposing, healthy, due to strenuous workouts and precision-based choreography, not to mention diets that kept him functioning.
Helen had to face it. A naked woman could approach Namjoon and he’d never take her up on the offer – Y/n was too important.
‘The wake-up call for that family is necessary.’ Helen shook her head in mock disappointment. ‘If only they knew each other’s secrets. A relationship under the radar, the oldest’s secret obsession, the demons that haunt every single one of them…’ she scoffed at the information Huru had dug up about the band. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart. She turned her head up to look at Huru. ‘And you’ll be y/n’s knight in shining armor when all hell breaks loose.’
She scoffed. Y/n was always too important to everyone.
Poor Namjoon. The sad part was that he would never know, he was never the one at fault. The only ones who knew about the drugs were either in jail, or would never say so. Huru definitely wouldn't.
Huru smirked. ‘Jealous.’
Helen glanced at his lips and back. ‘Very.’
It was always the plan to make it look like he was into y/n. Everyone would be more focused on him trying to get close to y/n and not suspect ulterior motives.
Possession. Jealousy. Protectiveness. They were all very volatile emotions, easily straining the band’s so-called strong bond with y/n and paving the way for an eruptive response purely for the cinematic experience.
When they broke away from their soft kiss, she breathed deeply, letting her thoughts be, oddly feeling more relaxed than she thought possible.
‘I’ve never asked you this,’ Huru started, ‘to be fair, I actually assumed that this was all about exposing y/n and making her as miserable as possible in the process, but…. I have yet to hear of that part of the plan. So what’s the endgame?’
The question made Helen frown. It was a redundant one, especially because they were so deep in the game.
‘Exposing y/n will do no good. We don’t have proof of it.’ Helen scoffed. ‘It’s a long shot when everyone trusts her so blindly. Any accusation… will fall on deaf ears.’ She folded her arms when Huru finished the last bit of her drink. ‘Do I want her without her family and her husband, sure, but my endgame has always been to separate her from my sister.’
Huru fell silent. ‘I’m not sure that’s possible, Heli.’
‘We’ll make it happen.’
Making y/n miserable was only a perk. Having her feel alone, having her loved ones ripped away from her, watching her life fall apart – Helen would be there for every minute of it.
‘I’ve already got Yuna across the country.’ Helen thought out loud. Huru tilted his head sideways in confusion. She smiled as she answered his silent question. ‘Who do you think negotiated the contract to get Yuna Mei to produce her own movie?’
A minute of stunned silence.
‘Wow.’ Huru said without emotion.
It didn’t take much. Gambit handled the studio’s legalities in Korea. Neenah played a part in the legal team, and slipping in Yuna’s name, along with her resume didn’t take much work. Yuna was, after all, very good at her job.
‘I’d do anything for my sister, Huru. You know that.’ Yuna might never love her as much, as she had stated, ‘at some point it’s your character… and I can’t deal with it anymore’ but Helen would always look out for her.
‘I know,’ Huru’s arms curled around her and crushed her to his front. ‘I’m here for you, baby. Whatever you need. I just hope it’s all worth it.’
It will be.
Helen was not naïve enough to believe that ruining y/n’s life would make her happy, but she did know that some part of her wanted to feel less… pain.
She had survived losing her parents. She survived losing her sister. She survived being alone and having no one to turn to. She survived that failed test, the cases she lost, the physical attack from one of her clients, the misogynistic behavior at her firm, the bitchy senior lawyer she got fired, processing her uncle’s experience – Helen survived it all and she survived it alone. But being strong didn’t negate the amount of struggle she had to go through. And maybe she was obsessed and a little psychotic and maybe it didn’t make sense to anyone else and maybe it never would… all Helen knew was that she would not be the only one to suffer anymore, consequences be damned, but Helen Mei would not be the only one with a heart broken beyond repair.
CAN'T BELIEVE WE FINISHED (didn't) NERVE LIKE THIS????????
i know the universe continues but oh boy what a ride. i will never forget my nerve fridays and smts saturdays too like esp it was my last year of school like its ingrained on me u don't get it
whenever cheating is brought up i know it will strike a nerve on me LOL SEE? NERVE!
i cant wait to see the route this universe wilñ take i just want her™ ugly psychotic stupid ass GONE
TAKE HURU TOO I BEG
also wdym huru has seen that crazy bitch's ass up close 💀
AND THEY DRUGGED MY BABY?@?@?#, IM ABT TO THROW HANDS^!^#&#&#*# KILL EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ND THEN MYSELF BC WTF SHE'S RLLY FUCKING INSANE
I like the subtle (didn't) inserted in there 😂, we really ain't done, not by a long shot,
I may have sniggered at that pun 🤭
Sigh, she really is psycho, and now there's dealing with her head on 🤔
🫢 more than a little triggering on the topics involved in the finale huh, coz I was mad mad when I twisted things to make it hard to figure out the spiking the drink part of things
No but like overall? Every week? Can I just give you hugest hug with the biggest i will protect you vibe ever, 🤗❤️
Coz you've literally been here throughout and you've handled every single topic with so much understanding even in the dms 🥺
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Word Count - 3.4k
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A/N - This is it. The end of the first era. GODDAMN. I mean 13 months is a long time. And just for context, the whole au, is over 300k words. So if you've read all of that, hats off to you.
My amazing betas. Thank you for being with me on this long journey. @hxseok-honee for the first ever read of Nerve, spurring me onward. My sister from another mister, my love, @casnextdoor for the prompt, the one that started it all, betaing numerous chapters, reading my rants and essays on who what when where and why, for naming chapters like Dependency, and giving me strength for chapters like Finale [R] and for loving me, to always check on me and make sure I'm not putting writing before food and sleep and mental health which I have before. @shina913 for the whatsapp messages, the inspiring talks, the ideas and discussions, the betaing and the friend that you are thank you so much for treating Nerve as you have, as your own. @jaysdimples for the betaing, for the hype and the love and the genuine support and the voice notes and asks, sigh, I adore you. And my best guy friend who I know usually checks in on here because he's as invested in my writing as I am, and he's watched me pace around my office and squeeze in writing time and bitch about the emotions my characters are feeling, I appreciate you.
My honourable mentions, @moresarcasm for listening to me bitch about my plot endlessly and for always welcoming me with open arms every single time I needed it.
Some of the supports that I would not have continued to update without @justmewondering-recs you are absolutely the one that dissects and makes me think and research and believe and I have loved every single reblog even when they were long and clogged up the TL. @onlythehobi as if I can ever do without your username popping up, thank you for being there every single week and having me look forward to your feedback. @cuteipat , three reblogs at a time, the hype cannot be compared, thank you for being such a great friend to me. @blushingatyou, @codeinebelle, @toriluvsfics for the dms, that hold my hand and remind me that I can talk, that I can be true to my vision, that I am a great writer and how much you love Nerve and I have loved every single second of your support, you are absolutely amazing people. To my commentors I would love to name you, but the post only allows for fifty mentions and I'm out here like?? But thank you for the weekly reads, the comments, the INVESTMENT.
Sharing Nerve was something life changing because of the ones who have read it and have appreciated the au for how it's played out. It was by far one of my longest commitments and something challenging that I seem to have accomplished.
Thank you for being a part of this with me. Truly.
- Dee 🖤
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Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. - Sigmund Freud
'Not surprised to find you here.'
Helen lifted her head toward the voice and smiled. She'd heard his footsteps on the walkway to the terrace. If he didn't want her to, he'd have made sure of it.
Turning back, Helen let her surroundings in. The moon was high, round and white, sitting in the blanket of the night sky. Finding stars was hard when the cityscape robbed the tiny dots of its luminescence.
Helen preferred the city anyway.
Helen Mei didn't have time to waste on trivial things like watching the stars and spinning dreams like a hopeless romantic.
No. She had a lot of work to do.
'You left pretty early.' It was more an observation than a question, but he answered her regardless.
'Namjoon and Hoseok were becoming… problematic.' He said in his signature robotic tone.
Throughout all her schemes and plans, Huru had always been her trump card.
And not only was he the strongest one to have, she knew he’d also never let her down.
Huru sighed. 'Besides,’ he chipped off his robot voice with each word, acknowledging her privilege to experience his emotions, ‘Kenta is too occupied to have me followed for once. How could I not make the most of it?’
'Hmm,' Helen smiled as she sipped from her glass, the golden liquid chilled from the winter air, 'the whole band seems to have that 'being a problem' thing in common. And a few others.'
To be fair, Kenta was a great guy, Helen had a lot of respect for him. It was just unfortunate that he always stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong, most of the time it was all things y/n. And that didn’t bode well for Helen. Her now brother-in-law was too smart for his own good.
Huru stepped up to her, and rubbed his hands down her arms, before bringing one of her palms up to his lips. He gently nipped at her fingers.
'They won't be a problem any longer.' She felt a tickle from his breath.
Tearing her gaze away from the buildings below, Helen turned in her boyfriend’s arms. 'How are you so sure?'
He gave nothing away. He didn't make a face. He didn't fidget under her scrutiny. He met her stare head on.
It was his inner strength that had always called to her.
'Every single one of those men has too much going on. And with your sister and Kenta out of the way, y/n will be more vulnerable than ever.'
Helen's lip curled up in distaste. Kim Y/n. A permanent thorn in her side.
She didn't hate, y/n. Not at first anyway.
But build ups only had one final destination.
‘I’m surprised you didn’t come to your sister’s wedding.’
Helen didn’t imagine the twinge in her gut, but she did push it away as soon as she acknowledged what it was. 'My presence wasn't necessary.' Yuna made that perfectly clear.
'Well… your absence was felt.'
A streak of satisfaction curled around Helen's spine. She needed Yuna to miss her.
Yuna had always been one of the most important people in her life. They’d shared a womb after all. But beyond that, they shared memories with their parents, stories about the boys in the playground and the mean girls that needed to be put in their place. Clothes, toys, a mutual understanding of hobbies. Above all, Helen had always valued secrets, until Yuna stopped telling her those.
Sometimes… it really was a lost cause.
‘Heli! I submitted my script for the school play!’
Helen scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. ‘The final draft?’
Yuna nodded excitedly.
‘Without a beta?’
‘Oh, I had y/n read the final draft. And I was just too excited to wait to submit.’
But we brainstormed it together.
‘I emailed you a copy.’ Yuna turned to leave their shared bedroom.
‘Uncle Kwang is treating us to Italian, let me know what you think when you get to it,’ she called over her shoulder.
Helen’s lip curled in distaste; a mild reaction compared to the storm in her heart.
They spent endless hours on the floor of their bedroom talking about characters, and reactions and, and…
It was not Helen’s work. Yuna had every right to consult with Y/n and talk about the play and even submit. But the act of excluding Helen, made her feel… small. Like her opinion didn’t matter anymore.
And it was not the first time.
‘Yuna I thought you were going with the pink.’ Helen watched as her twin donned a dark green dress with a skirt that flares from the waist, the pastel pink, sweetheart-neckline column dress thrown haphazardly on the bed.
‘Y/n said I should try a different color.’ Helen looked down at the light blue carbon copy of the pink dress on her own body. The ringing in her ear caused her to glare at her sister through the mirror.
‘Just because she doesn’t like pink, doesn’t mean everyone around her should stop using the color.’
‘She didn’t mean it like that.’ Yuna dismissed her sister. ‘She just suggested I try a different color dress for once.’ Yuna twirled in the mirror. ‘And I have to admit, the green really compliments my skin tone.’
Helen had to admit, she made a good point. The green was a rich tone that offset Yuna’s mocha, but Helen was not about to say any of that out loud.
It was always y/n.
‘Y/n can sleep over.’
‘Y/n can share my blanket.’
‘Y/n what do you wanna do?’
‘I’m sleeping over at y/n’s, she needs me.’
What about me, Yuna, don’t I need you…
‘But Y/n said –,’
‘But Y/n thinks –,’
‘But Y/n wants –,’
Y/n. Y/n. Y/n! Always Y/n!
Helen shook her head against the thoughts and her rising anger.
She felt Huru's arm tighten around her in comfort.
Helen could have dealt with her jealousy of Y/n's life. She could deal with the fact that Y/n had everything she could ever ask for. Both her parents. Old money handed down to her. A legacy to follow up on.
Y/n had a path laid out before her, and all she had to do was live up to it.
Helen wasn't whining in that aspect. It was good to be in control of destiny. Make your own choices and decisions. But she had always been indebted to her uncle. Yuna and Helen were not his daughters, but he took care of them anyway as if they were.
It was hard to feel like she constantly had to ask, and there was a tab accumulating that was owed, but by far the worst was feeling like a burden.
And maybe it would have been manageable if the ones present in the makeshift family, were able to actually be that family.
But Yuna clicked with Y/n. And that was fine. Helen would never fault her sister with having friends and making them and she would do her best to get along with them. And Helen tried, she really did try to be friends with Y/n. But the more she tried, the worse it got.
Then it was her house that y/n always be present in. Then their time. Dinner. Outings.
And at last, it was her Uncle.
‘Did Uncle Kwang show up, like he said he would?’
Helen loved her Uncle. She would always be grateful to him… and more than a little protective. A flash of y/n’s face crossed her mind… especially when it came to spineless bitches.
‘Yeah, he put on quite a show.’ Huru spoke, a tiny bit of admiration laced in his words. ‘I’ve never seen y/n that uncomfortable. Add in Kenta, Namjoon and the whole Scooby gang, all in all, it was quite entertaining.’
Good.
Helen could understand that Kwang connected on a different level to Y/n. She shared his knowledge of architecture, indulged in his hobby for non technical based drawings, and they connected on their perspective of the world. Animated discussions would take place over the kitchen counter as the food was cooked, views and comments on the latest news would be exchanged, debates on company politics… even Yuna knew when she was excluded from the conversation, but her sister took it in stride – Helen did not.
All Y/n did was takeover. It was in her blood, just like her father.
Maybe Kwang never did actually have the capacity to be a parental figure, but Helen would have liked for him to have the chance.
He could have attended Yuna’s plays, Neenah’s first trial, weekly family dinners if they were lucky, instead he was always cooped up in his office with Kim Y/n.
It wasn’t until much later that Helen had learned why.
It was disgusting the way y/n had sold herself. Whether it was her Uncle’s attention, or dirt on him so she could steal his shares, the game y/n had played was slow, methodical and beyond repulsive. Helen’s actions paled in comparison.
And for far too long, Helen had let it go. She’d stepped away, took a backseat, as a friend, as a sister, even as a niece, but once her Uncle told her about y/n’s antics, it was game over.
‘Heli,’ Huru nipped Helen’s chin. ‘Where’d you go?’
‘Thinking about our next step,' she replied wistfully. ‘Maiya is definitely out of the equation.
'So ‘Neenah’ is not going to represent her and get her out?'
Helen clicked her tongue, the light teasing in Huru’s tone keeping her annoyance at Maiya at bay. 'She's played her part. She had all the tools, including a gun and her role all but set out for her in easy steps and she still fucked it up.'
Maiya Song had been one of Helen's roommates in university. It was an easy friendship. Maiya wanted to find her brother, and Helen wanted to be a good lawyer.
Over the years Helen had handled helping find Mihlan, convincing him of his sister's intentions, that all she wanted was to provide a better life for him. Helen had even designated herself the Song family lawyer, saving Mihlan more times than she could count and playing an active role in his journey in and out of rehab centers.
But everyone had their limits. And Helen was no longer the soft-hearted, giving woman she was when she was younger.
At some point Maiya was less of a friend, and more of a burden. But Maiya always begged, and pleaded to save her brother, even when Mihlan deliberately did the wrong things and joined the wrong crowds and Helen understood the love one would have for their sibling… But enough was enough.
Helen didn't even care that the most recent incident wasn't Mihlan's fault, he'd used up all of his ‘get out of jail free’ cards and Neenah had a lot more going on.
Gambit had cheated her out of that promotion. Her superiors had known that she used a different name outside the practice. It was non-legal and not ethically or morally wrong. Her name on the bar was Neenah Jae for chrissake.
But it was all too 'iffy' according to the board. And such a character could not be on the front-line of the firm.
They would live to regret their decision. Helen would make sure of it.
So yeah, Maiya Song was done, so was her brother. They were effectively removed from the situation. And if Maiya sang like her surname implied, Helen had a lot more to nail her with. Mihlan Song had been very busy.
And Huru had been saving her ass, so many times, in the secrets department and more. That heads up before Y/n and Namjoon visited Gambit was so small, but also one of many perks to having him on the inside.
'Thank you for splicing the footage by the way,' Helen curled her fingers between Huru's, 'and for planting the gun behind the counter of VIP3 for her to pick up with her Orbit uniform.’
Huru shrugged. ‘It wasn’t hard.’ He rested his head on her shoulder and looked toward the city nightlife. ‘When I was checking the counter for cameras or chips, I just had to strap it under, so the ‘waitress’ for the evening could easily get a hold of it.'
‘Yeah, Bree’s security is quite thorough, especially with weapons. Only certain bodyguards and security detail can get around the rule. Her own bouncers aren’t allowed to carry firearms.’
‘Too bad Maiya didn't use it properly. It was a complete and utter shitshow.’
‘Just like her brother.’
Helen clenched her hands on the railing in front of her and let the cold of the steel bite her skin. ‘It would have been so easy, so easy, if Y/n just left him.’ Or if Maiya just got a lucky shot.
As far as Helen knew, Y/n was always insecure about her relationship with her husband, she always thought she was less, that he deserved better. She was right.
And by blowing up at her straight after the confession and telling her to stay with Namjoon out of desperation, Helen thought Y/n would be too proud not to leave him. Obviously not out of self-respect, but of the fear that she really would never be enough for the idol.
Y/n’s world would crumble if only Namjoon was removed from the equation. Helen had already bided her time, waiting for her sister to take Kenta away.
Having her husband, having Yuna, Kenta, the band to turn to, gave Y/n a strength that no one, not even Helen could contest with.
But one by one, her plans had been falling apart.
‘As for the footage, it didn’t take long. The same system was used at the bar.’
There was a consolation there. ‘At least Kenta doesn’t suspect anything about that footage.’
‘He doesn’t because he hasn’t seen it. That harddrive was taken by Yoongi and Jin.’ Huru had been collecting facts ever since she’d decided to put him on their radar.
Helen knew Y/n would want to keep things quiet, always thinking practically about reputation and career longevity. But even then, y/n would want to have some sort of control of the situation when the pictures were ‘leaked’.
A private investigator, one whose skills were too good to pass-up. Kenta knew he’d fucked up by pulling Huru in, but Huru was the best, and it was too late now.
Of course, Huru knew who Maiya’s roommate was. Helen turned her head to rub her cheek against Huru’s. He knew Neenah Jae, up close and personal.
‘But they can’t have any of the drive’s contents getting out so it's most probably destroyed. To top it off, the band wouldn’t want to actually see any of that footage again. It was too disappointing for them.’
‘Collateral damage.’ Helen heard herself say. The idea that Namjoon cheated on Y/n of his own free will, may have not played out as well as Helen liked, but it was still a solid one.
Getting a hold of the drive from Hazey’s bar was not a priority, but she would have to look into convincing Huru to take the risk to look for it. If Kenta watched it as meticulously as he watched the club footage, he’d find the parts that Huru deleted. Particularly the parts containing Maiya lacing Namjoon’s alcohol with hallucinogenics. If Namjoon were to be put through a urine test the days after, his results would have lit up like a Christmas Tree. Ketamine. Xanax. PCP. All capable of leaving him fatigued with uncoordinated movements, and completely susceptible to suggestion… he could have died considering she’d tied it all with alcohol, but they were a small dosage and it was worth the risk. Kim Namjoon loved his wife to obsession, and he was physically imposing, healthy, due to strenuous workouts and precision-based choreography, not to mention diets that kept him functioning.
Helen had to face it. A naked woman could approach Namjoon and he’d never take her up on the offer – Y/n was too important.
‘The wake-up call for that family is necessary.’ Helen shook her head in mock disappointment. ‘If only they knew each other’s secrets. A relationship under the radar, the oldest’s secret obsession, the demons that haunt every single one of them…’ she scoffed at the information Huru had dug up about the band. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart. She turned her head up to look at Huru. ‘And you’ll be y/n’s knight in shining armor when all hell breaks loose.’
She scoffed. Y/n was always too important to everyone.
Poor Namjoon. The sad part was that he would never know, he was never the one at fault. The only ones who knew about the drugs were either in jail, or would never say so. Huru definitely wouldn't.
Huru smirked. ‘Jealous.’
Helen glanced at his lips and back. ‘Very.’
It was always the plan to make it look like he was into y/n. Everyone would be more focused on him trying to get close to y/n and not suspect ulterior motives.
Possession. Jealousy. Protectiveness. They were all very volatile emotions, easily straining the band’s so-called strong bond with y/n and paving the way for an eruptive response purely for the cinematic experience.
When they broke away from their soft kiss, she breathed deeply, letting her thoughts be, oddly feeling more relaxed than she thought possible.
‘I’ve never asked you this,’ Huru started, ‘to be fair, I actually assumed that this was all about exposing y/n and making her as miserable as possible in the process, but…. I have yet to hear of that part of the plan. So what’s the endgame?’
The question made Helen frown. It was a redundant one, especially because they were so deep in the game.
‘Exposing y/n will do no good. We don’t have proof of it.’ Helen scoffed. ‘It’s a long shot when everyone trusts her so blindly. Any accusation… will fall on deaf ears.’ She folded her arms when Huru finished the last bit of her drink. ‘Do I want her without her family and her husband, sure, but my endgame has always been to separate her from my sister.’
Huru fell silent. ‘I’m not sure that’s possible, Heli.’
‘We’ll make it happen.’
Making y/n miserable was only a perk. Having her feel alone, having her loved ones ripped away from her, watching her life fall apart – Helen would be there for every minute of it.
‘I’ve already got Yuna across the country.’ Helen thought out loud. Huru tilted his head sideways in confusion. She smiled as she answered his silent question. ‘Who do you think negotiated the contract to get Yuna Mei to produce her own movie?’
A minute of stunned silence.
‘Wow.’ Huru said without emotion.
It didn’t take much. Gambit handled the studio’s legalities in Korea. Neenah played a part in the legal team, and slipping in Yuna’s name, along with her resume didn’t take much work. Yuna was, after all, very good at her job.
‘I’d do anything for my sister, Huru. You know that.’ Yuna might never love her as much, as she had stated, ‘at some point it’s your character… and I can’t deal with it anymore’ but Helen would always look out for her.
‘I know,’ Huru’s arms curled around her and crushed her to his front. ‘I’m here for you, baby. Whatever you need. I just hope it’s all worth it.’
It will be.
Helen was not naïve enough to believe that ruining y/n’s life would make her happy, but she did know that some part of her wanted to feel less… pain.
She had survived losing her parents. She survived losing her sister. She survived being alone and having no one to turn to. She survived that failed test, the cases she lost, the physical attack from one of her clients, the misogynistic behavior at her firm, the bitchy senior lawyer she got fired, processing her uncle’s experience – Helen survived it all and she survived it alone. But being strong didn’t negate the amount of struggle she had to go through. And maybe she was obsessed and a little psychotic and maybe it didn’t make sense to anyone else and maybe it never would… all Helen knew was that she would not be the only one to suffer anymore, consequences be damned, but Helen Mei would not be the only one with a heart broken beyond repair.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 7k
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‘I just wish you would have told me.’
You sighed for the twentieth time that night.
‘I wanted to tell you the truth, Yu,’ you paused to gather the right words. ‘But I also didn’t want you to hate him. I didn't want to lose him.' Because hating him would hurt you.
'Regardless of what he thinks of me, he does love you and your sister. You both meant something to him.'
You heard Yuna snort over the phone. 'I don't know what to believe, honestly. For all we know, he could have been looking at Helen and I, in the same way, and we just… didn’t notice.'
'No.’ You disputed her claims immediately. 'It was a different love for you and Helen. He enjoyed taking care of you two–you were family. He took a lot of it in stride. Periods, permission slips, even boyfriend phases. He was very proud of the both of you. And he loved being that so-called father figure as well.' You bit your bottom lip before continuing. 'It was just me, that he… you know…'
You sat in silence, waiting for her to speak as you traced the purple whale pattern on the pillow in front of you.
‘You can’t imagine how unbelievably mad I am at you’
You closed your eyes and dropped your head back onto the nook by the windowsill, the pre-dawn sky keeping you company by the window, and Namjoon in bed across from you, one arm curled under his head as he played with his phone in the other.
‘Considering the fact that it's barely after 5am, and we’re both on the phone…’
‘Don’t be a smartass with me right now.’ She scolded.
Honestly, you wanted to feel bad that her wedding night was ruined in all her concern for you, but it’s not like your evening was any better.
‘You being mad at me, is making me mad, Yuna.’ You had to be brutally honest with her and feed into your denial. ‘I did not have to tell you.’
‘And that’s fair, y/n. Your pain is your pain.’ She didn’t miss a beat. ‘I mean, I know that you would need to come to terms with it on your own… but,’ you almost smiled, as you imagine her eyes going into slits, ‘Can you honestly tell me that I was not the reason you kept this to yourself. All this time.’
You couldn’t deny what she was saying. Not at all. Feeling annoyingly cornered, you looked at Namjoon, admiring his solid edges, and the frown that kept his tongue poking the inside of his cheek.
Namjoon had taken care of you all night. He came through with the oreos and coffee, like he promised, but you had no strength to go into the kitchen so he brought them to the room and you both sat on the floor.
It was not hard to make conversation with Namjoon. You could talk about work, about his work, about the reality of life and your dreams of the future, but mostly you vented about your past, your Dad, Kwang and his actions.
And Namjoon listened.
When you were finally settled, he brushed out your hair, and climbed into bed next to you, holding you as close to him as possible.
You were exhausted enough to fall asleep in mere minutes, but it didn’t last long. You had a nightmare that woke you up and pushed you over the edge into a panic, Namjoon brought you back to reality. You wanted to shower again, this time he sat on the lid of the toilet and took you back to bed when you were done.
It was hard to get back to sleep, even harder to be present in the moment and feel the comfort that your husband's arms could usually provide.
So instead of tossing and turning you grabbed your Mono blanket and sat at the window nook. He stayed awake with you, not pushing or forcing you, just giving you space, but still making sure you knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
That’s when Kenta called.
Yuna wasn’t like you. She wore her emotions on her sleeve but she didn’t cry at the drop of a hat the way you did. She would rather fight, argue, use her anger as a shield before breaking down into hysterics. So when you heard her crying over the phone, Kenta apologizing for disturbing you so early in the morning, knowing she needed you, you instinctively placed her at the forefront of your priorities.
It took some time to get her to calm down, even utter a coherent sentence without the words ‘I’m sorry’ tagged at the end of it, but she was okay, and you felt better talking to her. You just weren’t a fan of the direction that conversation headed after. And you were tired, exhausted even – so being nice, being kind… you had no energy for any of it.
‘I won’t apologize, Yuna. I’d still rather you didn’t know.’ Honesty was the only choice when you were cornered as you were. You had made your choice to keep things under wraps a long time ago – you would make that same choice all over again if you had to. Protecting Yuna was a priority. ‘I’d rather you lived your life, happy, carefree, with at least some version of a family to turn to.’
‘Oh, that’s real cute, y/n.’ Sarcasm dripped from her tone. ‘A psychotic sister, and an uncle who’s a sexual offender, I hit the motherfucking jackpot.’
You weren’t irritated with the jibe, mostly because she sounded faraway. You were too tired to actually feel anything. You shook your head, trying to keep yourself present.
‘I didn’t want to take you away from your family.’ You brushed your fingers through your hair, gripping lightly in frustration. ‘I know you’ll always choose me. And I… I couldn't do that to you.’
‘Y/n, I wouldn’t choose you for the hell of it. I’d choose you because they were wrong. They are wrong. For different reasons.’
You made a face, not wanting to talk about this anymore. ‘Can we drop it? Please? I don’t like that you’re mad at me, but you have a right to be and that’s okay, but I need to deal with this on my own and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.’
Anxiety got the better of you as you were met with silence on her end. Did you push her too far away?
‘I’m sorry, y/n.’
‘Stop it.’ You made a face. ‘Stop hurting.’ You brushed her off. 'There's nothing for you to be sorry about. None of it was your fault.' You turned your neck to the side and stretched a little. Your body was aching for some godforsaken reason. Maybe it was the fatigue. 'You can’t control his actions and you of all people should know that.’
‘Can you blame me? Would you be able to rest easy knowing you aided and abetted something so despicable?’
‘You didn’t know.’
‘Yeah, whose fault is that?’
‘For fucks, sake Yuna, what good has it done?’ You didn’t bother to hold back your frustration. ‘So now that you know you, what good does it do? You literally disowned him, the only parental figure you had left.’
‘I am not like you, y/n! You may keep your ties with your father, albeit at a distance, but I can’t keep ties with someone when all I’ve ever known about them was a complete load of bullshit! I burn bridges and I don’t regret it.’
You pulled your lips together in an effort to keep your mouth shut. Because Yuna was right. You tolerated way more from your father than you should have.
‘Yes, I miss my parents. Yesterday, more than ever. But I know and love genuine people that I choose to consider my family. Kenta, Yoshi and Jinx, Taehyung, Hoseok… you, y/n. And I would never compromise on those relationships, especially not for something so wrong.’
You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.
You understood what she was saying, but you were not gonna budge. Internally you knew you would go back and make the same decision. To keep it from her. Because no one, absolutely no one deserves to know that they loved and cared, let alone respected, someone capable of sexual assault.
It was a mind boggling thing, that it was so ‘normal’ and there were so many stories of it, and so many women that had lived through it… but having it happen to you, or having actually known someone with those thoughts and the daring to follow through with them…
'I would have fully supported you if you decided that you wanted to file a formal report and put him behind bars. Hell, I’d go as far as throwing away the key without batting an eye! But now it’s pointless, because you let him go!’
You couldn't stay quiet this time. 'Back then maybe it would have given me something, even a sense of satisfaction! But not now. My father didn't do it when it mattered most, Yu. He didn't listen to me, he didn't file a report, and he didn't protect me. And I have lived my whole goddamn life just fine… whether Kwang was around or not.' You met Namjoon’s eye, his head tilted in your direction, watching over you and you let his strength fill you with pride. ' I did pretty damn well for myself. And I will be just fine for the rest of my life. Because I don't want to make this a big thing. I don't want the stress of paperwork and legal fees and reporters having a field day over my life. That's my choice. That's for me. And everyone who loves me… should be able to afford me that.'
You didn't know what she was going to say next, but you knew whatever it was you would have an answer for it, because you were so tired of explaining yourself, when you really didn't need to.
I can’t say I agree with that, y/n.’ Yuna admitted softly, causing your anger to quickly die down. ‘But I also don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say to you to make this right for you… I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,’ she clicked her tongue, ‘or what you’ve gone through.’
‘As long as you don’t start crying again, I think we’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah,’ her voice dropped like she turned away from the phone, ‘Kenta is standing by.’
You chuckled half-heartedly. ‘Give the man a break. ‘It’s only your first night of marriage and already Kenta had to call for back-up.’ You tried to tease her, but your efforts fell flat when she didn’t meet you halfway.
‘He’s worried about you too.’
‘I’m fi --,’ a dull waft of déjà vu overcame you. You used the same words on the same man the night before. You closed your eyes and pulled your knees up, to rest your chin against them. ‘I’ll be fine.’
It was actually so hard to keep reassuring her. There was never a need to save a conversation with Yuna before. To think of what to say, to try and change the subject or make a joke.
It felt forced, and you were not in the mood.
Actually, no. You wanted to tell her the truth, come clean about all the gory details and yell and scream and cry and just let it all bubble up so you wouldn’t have to mask your pain from her, or act in front of her, or hold your tongue like it was the seams of a corset that needed to be tied tight together.
But Kwang Jae was still her family. And she was still reeling from the discovery of the reality of him.
You couldn’t add to it. Not with her. You might never be able to talk about it with her, simply because of who she was to him… and to you.
‘When?’
The question had you blinking your eyes open. ‘Huh?’
‘When can we talk about it? No secrets. No filters. Everything.’
You inhaled shakily, as softly as you possibly could, because if you cried, she would hear it in your voice. It was stupid for such an honest question to rattle you, it was even more stupid for you to hold onto the pain, the secret, like it was only yours to keep, only yours to deal with. ‘I don’t know… if I ever can talk about it.’
‘I leave in three days, babe.’
You blew out a puff of air. ‘Maybe the distance will do us some good.’ You didn’t want to hurt her. But it’s not like she knew how to handle you either. You were a victim of her Uncle and though you had never considered her as such, she was still Kwang Jae’s niece.
‘I don’t want to leave like this. I don’t want us to have time apart and not talk and be awkward. We can’t have distance like this, y/n…this has happened to us before and I don’t want us to go through that again. Just the mere thought of it hurts already.’
Once again you were reminded of how selfish you were when you took over Arem, pushing Yuna so far away she had no choice but to live life without you for a while.
‘I can’t miss you, y/n… It hurts to miss you. Physically, I can deal… but emotionally…’
‘Of course you have to go.’ Your heart broke for her, but you had to be practical. ‘You were always going to go, Yu.’ You swiped away tears when they fell out of your eyes and you sniffed shortly. ‘We need some time to figure things out, that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. You are definitely not going to lose me.’
You could practically feel her panic when she said, ‘I can change plans easily.’
Your face twisted in annoyance, something miserable. You knew she was pulling at straws. Namjoon caught your eye and you nodded softly, reassuring him. ‘Tell you what, I’m coming with you to set up and when we’re over there, I’ll answer whatever you want me to answer, within reason. But for now, for today when we finalize packing and whatever else we need to… be normal. For me. For now. Please.’
‘Kinda hard for me to be normal, when you leave pastel pink lingerie in my en-suite bathroom – the material is exquisite by the way.’
You swallowed hard in relief as she changed the subject. You wiped away stray tears before you answered. ‘Figured you’d want something pink.’ You looked at the clock, 5.30am. You rubbed your eyes.
‘You know, it still hasn’t hit me that I got married yesterday.’
‘Hmm,’ you smiled sadly. ‘Yuna Mei. A whole wife.’ You chuckled wetly. ‘I think it’s been a long time coming, Yu. You’ve done so much alone, been through so much pain with the wrong ones… we’ve always believed that the universe rewards accordingly.’
‘I really am lucky to have him.’ You could hear sadness in her voice.
‘What are you thinking?’ You prompted her, not willing to ignore any of her reservations, no matter what they were about.
‘I thought she would show up. At least, a small part of me hoped.’
You knew who she was talking about. You also knew how much strength it took her to admit to you of all people that she missed her sister immensely.
You would always rather Yuna tell you the truth, about all her feelings. She didn’t need to hold back on your behalf.
‘I’m sorry about Helen.’ You had the decency to be genuine about that statement. You would tolerate Helen any day for Yuna.
‘Yeah,’ she scoffed, ‘But I mean it was a long shot anyway. And let’s not forget that she wasn’t welcome.’ You heard the disappointment in her voice, but you couldn’t comfort her. Having Helen there would have been the cherry on the top. ‘God I can just imagine if she were there, what a fuck up it would have been. Yuna went silent for a minute then she snorted, ‘Fucking Neenah.’
‘What?’ Your eyebrows furrowed and you sat up, instantly alert. ‘What did you say?’
‘What?’ Yuna sounded confused. ‘Neenah?’
‘Yeah, who’s Neenah?’ You swung your legs over the nook, as Namjoon got out of the bed.
‘Neenah as in Helen.’ She offered as if it was common knowledge.
‘What do you mean Neenah as in Helen? Helen is Helen. Whose Neenah?’
‘Helen is Neenah! Y/n, why are you freaking out? What’s this about?’
Namjoon mouthed the word ‘speaker’ as he came down on his haunches next to you.
‘Because of the name Neenah, Yuna.’ You moved the phone away from your ear and tapped the speaker icon. ‘Since when is Helen, Neenah? She doesn’t have a second name.’
‘She doesn’t have a second name. It’s Neenah Jae. You know, as in Kwang Jae, so Neenah Jae. She practices under that name. Actually it’s her new name. Well, no, wait, it’s not actually new, because that’s the name she’s used ever since she started practicing law. Such a fucking waste of a gesture now that I know the truth.’
‘How have I not known this?’ You stared at the phone like it was a bug, not really understanding what she was droning on about. ‘And isn’t it illegal to have a different name.’
‘No. I mean there is this ethics thing that considers it ‘misleading’ if she uses two names.’ You could imagine her rolling her eyes at the word misleading. ‘But unless there’s improper motive or fraudulent activities tied to why she uses one name socially and another professionally, they can’t actually do anything to her. As for why you didn’t know, I mean it probably never came up. It’s not like we discuss her. She usually just leaves a bad taste behind.’
‘Why change it though?’ Namjoon mouthed to you and repeated the question. ‘Why did she change it?’
Yuna clicked her tongue. ‘Because she’s Unc -- Kwang’s favorite.’ You didn’t miss the way she caught herself. ‘No, but seriously, I never needed to change my name. Mum and Dad gave it to me and I kept their last name, because I like the link to them, even if it's a painful connection. But Helen took Kwang’s last name and somehow it worked out because we showed appreciation for our parents and for Uncle Kwang for taking care of us. It was supposed to be a grand gesture of sorts.’
‘Neenah though?’ you questioned where it even came from.
‘Oh yeah, that’s what Unc, Fuck!’ She cursed and continued, 'Kwang used to call her when we were little and ran around in diapers. I was Nana and she was Neenah.’
You looked back at Namjoon, unable to follow her down memory lane. He placed his hand on your knee and added pressure that somehow eased the motions of your building anxiety. He mouthed ‘Gambit’.
‘Did she work at Gambit?’
You understood what he was doing. Namjoon was being logical, he was tying up every single loose end, because he knew how important this piece of information was.
‘Yep. Straight out of law school she started as an intern and did her articles and stuff for a small start-up part of the original firm. But you know Heli, she climbed on people, not ladders. Eventually she made her way to the main office at Gambit – the best of the best.’
‘Yu,’ you contemplated saying your next words, but went ahead anyway, ‘how much did Kenta tell you about what Huru found out about Maiya?’
‘Not, a lot. I mean I know the surface level bullshit. You know, her tragic backstory, blaming someone else, the mastermind being someone else.’ Yuna sounded regretful. ‘I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t know how deep this went until recently. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.’
‘No, I understand. But like, Yu, this is… ‘ you looked at Namjoon for a little help and he was already so broody and angry and protective and this new piece of information was so unexpected, ‘I mean she’s Maiya’s lawyer Yuna.’
Yuna stayed silent on her end, so you continued.
‘When Huru met up with us at Arem, he had a bunch of information at his fingertips. One of them being that her lawyer was a Neenah Jae that worked in Gambit Associates.’
‘Fuck. Me. Do you think Heli –?’
‘No,’ you said too fast to shut down her theory, even if you knew how plausible it was. ‘She stopped taking Maiya’s cases for a while now. And when we visited Gambit, they said Neenah had left. She doesn’t work there anymore.’
‘You’re saying she left work? Why? She loved that job!’
You shot Namjoon a pained look. This was obviously a coincidence. One skirting a fine line.
‘I’m not sure.’ You pushed your hair back and held your head. ‘I’m sorry… for my reaction. I just, it’s just a little paranoia settling in. So Heli was Maiya’s lawyer and worked her brother’s cases pro bono. It’s work. And it’s a small world.’
‘Not that small,’ Namjoon muttered.
‘Wait, no, what if she’s involved?’
‘Come on, Heli is mean and rude and really really bitchy…’ you tried to comfort her, this would be too much of a blow for her, ‘but let’s not read too much into this. We have no proof. And honestly, right now, we don’t have to. Maiya is behind bars, and whoever else was a part of this has to find a new pawn before they get to us again.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘I am. Don’t let this bother you, Yuna. If Heli or Neenah’s reputation precedes her, she probably took a lot of cases pro bono, not just Maiya’s.’ You didn’t wait for her to reply, you needed to get off the phone, to talk with Namjoon, to make sense of things. ‘Now go, you gotta get back to Kenta. I’ll see you later.’
‘Wait, y/n, --,’
‘I’m fine, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘No, wait, do you have my necklace? Can you bring it over later?’
You scrunch your eyebrows. ‘Yeah, hold on.’
‘That’s why Kenta and I turned back last night. I know it’s stupid. And I know’ you’d keep it safe, but it’s something I have to have in my hand, you know.’ She babbled as she explained herself. And it wasn’t necessary. Because you did the same when you locked your doors. You’d walk all the way upstairs and back down again just to do a double check. Some things needed to be held, touched, seen in front of your eyes, a reassurance that it was real.
You motioned for Namjoon to reach over to grab your clutch from the floor near the bed. You flipped it open and felt around the small zipper compartment on the inside. ‘Yep, right here.’ You held it up… and did a double take.
‘Thank you so much for kee –,’
Yuna’s voice drowned out as you turned over the pendant in your palm.
Mum and Dad gave this to us when we were little. The clasp is loose, the memory of Yuna’s remarks from while she was getting ready before the ceremony echoed in your head.
Your mouth dropped open and your blood ran cold. You closed your eyes, and looked at it again.
‘Y/n?’ Yuna’s voice found its way to you.
‘Babe, I have it. I- um, I’ll see you later.’ You mumbled into the phone, ignoring Yuna’s protests before clicking the power button to end the call.
You tried to rationalize what you were seeing, you tried to justify any of the scenarios your brain scooped up, no matter how implausible. You couldn’t.
Before you knew it your legs were moving. It was like tunnel vision. Nothing mattered. Not your pain, or your exhaustion, or your trauma. Not Yuna, not even Namjoon. In that moment you were focused on one thing, and one thing only.
Throwing the door of your home office open, you raced in and searched through the floor plans on the desk and pushed aside any other item in your way until you found what you were looking for. A thin silver strand caught your eye. Breathing hard, you pull it up and compare the two pendants.
Silver circular backing, the etching of a compass, the North star, in diamantes. ‘Shit!’
You felt the heat of Namjoon’s body before he placed his hands on your waist. ‘Wanna tell me what’s going on?’
You held up your hand. Yuna’s necklace. ‘Yuna’s parents gave her this. They gave it to both daughters when they were really young. I kept this for her, because she wanted to use it today, but the clasp has always been a piece of work.’ You closed your eyes against the heavy truth. ‘That’s for damn sure.’
Namjoon was smart, but he couldn’t read minds – even you knew that. But you couldn’t explain, not when you were still figuring it out yourself.
To see y/n’s perfect little world crumble when she gets the guy, the company, both parents, money, fame, respect, and the sister… Let me grab a front row seat and popcorn.
Or really, it was always right there, in front of you and you just couldn’t bring yourself to accept it.
Your husband reached over to trace both necklaces. ‘Talk to me, baby. One belongs to Yuna… and the other?’
‘Hobi and I found it outside the bar.’ You licked your lip. ‘Around where the picture was taken.’
You didn’t need to look back at him. Namjoon didn’t need prompting. You could practically hear the gears in his head.
Until finally, he said the words out loud. ‘So this is definitely Helen’s?’
You nod slowly and concentrate on breathing deeply so your thoughts didn’t get too clouded.
‘Huru said that Maiya had a roommate with access to the legal department. Right?’
You loved this man. He could be so rational, even if the world was collapsing around him. In turn, that stability gave you something to stand on. ‘He said she’s got a record of someone staying with her, during her college years, into her working life.’
Hobi’s voice rang in your head. But she said it was her roommate, we all heard her.
Then Huru’s voice. Because the roommate that I couldn’t find, remember her y/n, that apparently took the pictures, well she’s got some connection with Gambit. I know this because I don’t have a single speck of information on her, other than the fact that they paid for her college tuition
You moved the rest of the papers off the desk onto the floor – you had to sit down. Because this was…this was fucked up. First the Uncle and now you were being fucked over by the twin.
You lifted your legs and placed your socked feet on the office chair and you clutched at the edge of the desk.
I can’t find her. It’s like she never existed.
Because Neenah didn’t exist. It was Helen’s past and Neenah’s future.
Okay. Okay. Think, y/n. Maiya. What was the point of Maiya?
Maiya has gotten Mihlan out of his sticky situations solely because she’s had a really good lawyer backing her up. Neenah Jae. Unfortunately she decided she didn’t really need to offer her services as pro bono any longer. She’s up for senior partner.
So Maiya needed Helen’s help… desperately. But Neenah wouldn’t give her the time of day… not unless Maiya would do something for her first.
Was it really that deep though? To fuck with her own self-respect.
Maiya's voice from the club rang out. …the minute he was given to me to hold, I knew I would always protect him.
That made sense. And when Maiya mentioned that she had lost her brother all over again, because of you, she really meant that it was Helen that wanted you to leave Namjoon and lose it all, and when you didn’t, Neenah wouldn’t help Maiya. No wonder she was so unhinged.
Slowly, like the trickle of honey, the heavy, honest truth filled in all the blindspots.
You dropped your head into your hands and ran your fingers through your hair and tugged… hard.
You closed your eyes and rocked back and forth.
—-------
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon said his wife’s name, in an effort to stabilize her.
She shook her head, a half-hearted attempt to keep him out. When she kept rocking her body forward and tugged harder at her hair, he knew he had to do something.
‘Y/n,’ he said firmly and shackled both her wrists. The rocking stopped.
‘What the fuck is this shit?’ She kept her eyes closed as she whispered the words. ‘Honestly, what the fuck!’ She raised her head and her voice. ‘I don’t deserve this Namjoon, we don’t deserve any of it!’
He invaded her personal space and took her into his arms.
What else could he do? What could he possibly say that could make up for any of the shit she had to deal with in such a short space of time. It was like Y/n was allowed the time to heal and grow and be happy, only for all of that progress to be derailed.
He knew it wasn’t fair. Y/n didn’t deserve any of the bullshit that had been thrown her way in the course of the last few weeks.
‘I’m not the cause of Helen’s problems, Namjoon!’ She placed her head against his abdomen and curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. He bent down and pressed a kiss into her hair.
‘This is all my fault, Joon. If she’s behind this, if she’s the one that’s doing all this, I –, ‘ she broke off, her mouth open, the shock still on her face as she shook her head, confused, still processing, ‘Fuck!’ She dropped her forehead against him.
Namjoon wasn’t used to feeling this helpless. All he could do was be there for her right now.
Backtracking everything, relooking at the files and connecting the dots… There was so much to retrace. Not to mention he had a packed schedule, Arem opened the following week, Kenta and Yuna were moving and all of it came second to the battle y/n had to fight within herself.
Crushing y/n closer to him. The anger that coursed through Namjoon was unyielding. It coursed through his veins, his bloodstream, until the tendons in his neck stood out and his body burned because he had nowhere to put it. He couldn’t make love to his wife, he couldn’t make her forget, he couldn’t find her with his hands and his mouth and his words as he usually would, not in her current state. He couldn’t leave her alone and vent to his brothers either.
The most important thing to Namjoon was reassuring Y/n that he would never leave her, not for anything, especially not for something that was not her fault to begin with.
She nudged him away and hopped off the desk without warning. ‘I have to call Kenta.’
He grabbed her by her arm. ‘Y/n, he literally got married yesterday and he’s really worried about you.’
Her eyes flashed fire. ‘You can’t tell me that Kenta of all people didn’t know about this bullshit.’ He loved her fire. He would always rather see her fight and argue and use her smartass mouth, he would take a bitchy y/n anyday, over a helpless one.
‘You can’t just demand answers from him. Imagine how he’d feel if you’re wrong about him knowing. If he does know, I believe he would have a good reason for keeping it from us.’ He brushed his knuckles across her cheek. Did he think that Kenta knew about Helen? Namjoon couldn’t know for sure. Was he equally pissed at the possibility of Kenta not knowing? Hell yes. But he wasn’t about to enable y/n. ‘Trust him, okay? You can ask him later when we see him.’
He watched as she mulled over his words, savored the moment when she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Good. Holding her back from doing anything rash would also save her from saying anything she didn’t mean.
Y/n would feel the effects twice over, if she hurt the people she loved, unintentional or not.
‘I don’t know what to do.’ It was a jagged statement. Something that made her look small and vulnerable.
Namjoon touched his nose to hers. ‘I think you can afford yourself a day to process everything, baby. You don’t have to always be so strong.’
‘I don’t feel anything.’ She protested, a stubborn curve on her lips.
‘Not knowing how you feel or how to feel, is not the same as not feeling anything at all.’
‘Stop it.’ He narrowed his eyes at her tone, immediately on guard. ‘Stop being so accommodating.’ Her voice rose an octave with each word. ‘Stop being so understanding, stop rationalizing, stop pushing, just stop loving me like this.’ She growled and placed a fist on his sternum to keep him at a distance from her. ‘Look at what we just found out. Really look at it! I’ve basically fucked your life over, your career. God knows what else she has planned. I am the reason you cheated on me.’
‘First of all,’ he placed his hands on her ass, refusing to let her distance herself. ‘You don’t know the specifics, y/n. You don’t know why Helen was actually there. You don’t know if it was her plan or a coincidence.’
Y/n scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be naive.’
‘You don’t have the right.’ He forced the statement through clenched teeth. ‘You don’t have the right to take responsibility. For any of it.’ He really, really wanted to bite her.
Y/n placed her forearms on his and glared, looking every bit a petulant, infuriating woman being told the truth they didn’t want to hear.
Namjoon looked at her pointedly, daring her to dispute. ‘Are you done with the generalizations? Want to make some more so I can shut them down?’
‘You sound like you’re pining for a fight, Namjoon.’
‘No, baby, you are.’ He squeezed her ass. ‘You have all this anger and all this pain and no place to put it and that’s why you’re snapping at me and you want to see if I will make good on your fears and walk away from you.’ He bent forward, stared into her eyes, and looked at her lips, but he didn’t kiss her. Not yet. Not this time. ‘I am not walking away. I am not folding. I am not giving you up. I don’t care who, what or why.’ He let her see how serious he was. ‘So if you want to fight, we’ll fight. You want me to ruin their lives and get rid of our problems permanently, I’ll do it. But it’s you and me, y/n.’ He whispered against her lips. ‘It’s always going to be you and me.’
Maybe it would seem like a long shot to keep fighting and clawing their way to each other, but it was the only thing that made sense to Namjoon. He would not let her push him away, not because of Kwang and definitely not for something like this.
He could see it as clear as day in her eyes, how terrified she was of losing him, of him getting hurt, and he wouldn’t let that fear win. Her bottom lip quivered, and she pushed hard enough that she got out of his hold and walked out of the study without another word.
Namjoon let her go. He watched her go, her bare feet, long legs walking away from him, his oversized t-shirt engulfing her small form... he was protective as a norm, but this feeling, the need to keep her safe, to protect her, to do anything for her fears and her pain to go away... it clawed at his heart. He didn’t like unfinished business. Not with y/n. But he also knew y/n needed space and whether she accepted it or not, her trust, her heart, her defenses were completely obliterated. He would have to hover and stay close and protect her, especially now that they had enemies so close.
He rubbed a hand over his face and stared at the two necklaces on the table. Sabotage and blackmail and guns… It seemed like something out of a movie. Helen Mei. Neenah Jae. Maiya Song.
Namjoon clicked his tongue and turned to look out the window of their study.
Kwang Jae was scum. Absolute scum. Fighting the urge to strangle Kwang with his bare hands, waiting out the red haze that coated his vision when he found the bastard lunging for her… He grit his teeth. Letting y/n make the final call was one of the hardest things he had to do.
And what y/n felt… how could he judge that? What he said was true. Her nerves were shot.
Emotionally, she had conditioned herself to trust Kwang, and sometimes the body wasn’t as good at playing catch up as the mind. And from what he’d heard from y/n, when she talked about it, Kwang was taking his time, savoring every second, using y/n’s body against her.
Y/n was still a little girl on the inside. That little girl was taught to love her parents and not raise her voice at them, not protest any of their decisions for her life, and Kwang was a guardian. A solid male with a strong foundation for always making y/n feel safe… No child would want to disappoint someone that they love, or ever make them unhappy.
It was a crisscross of blurred lines between Kwang’s actions, his intentions and what he'd groomed y/n to feel. He wanted her to be scared of him. He wanted her to feel guilty for saying no to what he wanted to do to her.
A glass paperweight was thrown across the room and shattered against the wall. Kwang wanted y/n to please him.
Namjoon breathed hard, feeling all too helpless, with so much rage and nowhere to put it.
He couldn’t imagine how betrayed y/n was feeling. And he felt bad for pushing her but he had to push. She’d already been minimizing it in her head, highlighting her own feelings instead of his actions.
Just didn’t rape me.
He did. As far as Namjoon was concerned Kwang had been abusing y/n since the day he realized he was sexually attracted to her. But y/n couldn’t see that.
Y/n was ashamed of herself, feeling guilt as if it was her fault, and what made it even worse was her perception of safety.
For a long time Kwang was a safety net. Realistically y/n didn’t walk into oncoming traffic like it was safe, that would be ridiculous, but she was physically forced and also not. He touched her not as an abuser but a lover. And y/n did the only thing she could do in a situation where the odds seemed insurmountable – she dissociated. Ice princess.
Namjoon sighed. Maybe it wasn’t fair to y/n at all to work on the theory he’d been spinning in his head, but the more thought he put into it, the more he knew he needed the story to be reiterated and confirmed. What really happened that day?
Did isolation and dissociation start with the trauma from her father, or did it start with Kwang? And if it started after the incident when she was younger, then how did she react before she defended herself, what did she feel then?
And if things had been different, her emotions, her response, did she alter the event in her mind or maybe she pushed it out of her mind completely. All night she seemed to be reliving the most recent one, instead of blocking it out, but only time would tell.
If he was being honest with himself, Namjoon would rather focus on y/n rather than himself, because he had his own guilt to level with. He would be a fool not to admit that it was disturbing to be faced with the realization that he was part of a plan, that his lapse in judgment was relied on, let alone included in some master plan to ruin his y/n’s life. He was ashamed that it had worked perfectly for Helen, up until y/n decided she wouldn’t leave him.
And he would never leave y/n.
Maybe another man would be fazed with y/n’s reaction, her inability to react as the situation called for it, but Namjoon knew his wife. He knew her better than she knew herself. And he felt y/n’s love… everywhere. He saw proof of it, in his life. His brothers, his band, overlooking his flaws and mistakes – she adored him and never shied away from showcasing it to the people that mattered.
Something inside him smiled dangerously as he remembered how he found Kwang clutching his jaw, blood dripping from his nose. Y/n may not have reacted in time for herself, but when she was clear headed he would remind her that she reacted when it mattered most. For all he knew, it was the same back then when he tried to touch her.
Yeah. The trauma would remain, but his y/n would make it out of this, and he would be right there with her.
And maybe making her relive her trauma so fast was a reckless decision, maybe he’d been harder than he needed to be, maybe incensing and arguing with her wasn’t the best idea and maybe he wasn’t taking this whole Helen, Neenah bullshit seriously enough yet… but one thing was for sure, no one could tell Kim Namjoon how to take care of his wife, absolutely no one knew Kim Y/n better than him, and he would dare anyone to contest that, because the only thing worse than feeling broken, was the one you loved most treating you as if you were.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 7k
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‘I just wish you would have told me.’
You sighed for the twentieth time that night.
‘I wanted to tell you the truth, Yu,’ you paused to gather the right words. ‘But I also didn’t want you to hate him. I didn't want to lose him.' Because hating him would hurt you.
'Regardless of what he thinks of me, he does love you and your sister. You both meant something to him.'
You heard Yuna snort over the phone. 'I don't know what to believe, honestly. For all we know, he could have been looking at Helen and I, in the same way, and we just… didn’t notice.'
'No.’ You disputed her claims immediately. 'It was a different love for you and Helen. He enjoyed taking care of you two–you were family. He took a lot of it in stride. Periods, permission slips, even boyfriend phases. He was very proud of the both of you. And he loved being that so-called father figure as well.' You bit your bottom lip before continuing. 'It was just me, that he… you know…'
You sat in silence, waiting for her to speak as you traced the purple whale pattern on the pillow in front of you.
‘You can’t imagine how unbelievably mad I am at you’
You closed your eyes and dropped your head back onto the nook by the windowsill, the pre-dawn sky keeping you company by the window, and Namjoon in bed across from you, one arm curled under his head as he played with his phone in the other.
‘Considering the fact that it's barely after 5am, and we’re both on the phone…’
‘Don’t be a smartass with me right now.’ She scolded.
Honestly, you wanted to feel bad that her wedding night was ruined in all her concern for you, but it’s not like your evening was any better.
‘You being mad at me, is making me mad, Yuna.’ You had to be brutally honest with her and feed into your denial. ‘I did not have to tell you.’
‘And that’s fair, y/n. Your pain is your pain.’ She didn’t miss a beat. ‘I mean, I know that you would need to come to terms with it on your own… but,’ you almost smiled, as you imagine her eyes going into slits, ‘Can you honestly tell me that I was not the reason you kept this to yourself. All this time.’
You couldn’t deny what she was saying. Not at all. Feeling annoyingly cornered, you looked at Namjoon, admiring his solid edges, and the frown that kept his tongue poking the inside of his cheek.
Namjoon had taken care of you all night. He came through with the oreos and coffee, like he promised, but you had no strength to go into the kitchen so he brought them to the room and you both sat on the floor.
It was not hard to make conversation with Namjoon. You could talk about work, about his work, about the reality of life and your dreams of the future, but mostly you vented about your past, your Dad, Kwang and his actions.
And Namjoon listened.
When you were finally settled, he brushed out your hair, and climbed into bed next to you, holding you as close to him as possible.
You were exhausted enough to fall asleep in mere minutes, but it didn’t last long. You had a nightmare that woke you up and pushed you over the edge into a panic, Namjoon brought you back to reality. You wanted to shower again, this time he sat on the lid of the toilet and took you back to bed when you were done.
It was hard to get back to sleep, even harder to be present in the moment and feel the comfort that your husband's arms could usually provide.
So instead of tossing and turning you grabbed your Mono blanket and sat at the window nook. He stayed awake with you, not pushing or forcing you, just giving you space, but still making sure you knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
That’s when Kenta called.
Yuna wasn’t like you. She wore her emotions on her sleeve but she didn’t cry at the drop of a hat the way you did. She would rather fight, argue, use her anger as a shield before breaking down into hysterics. So when you heard her crying over the phone, Kenta apologizing for disturbing you so early in the morning, knowing she needed you, you instinctively placed her at the forefront of your priorities.
It took some time to get her to calm down, even utter a coherent sentence without the words ‘I’m sorry’ tagged at the end of it, but she was okay, and you felt better talking to her. You just weren’t a fan of the direction that conversation headed after. And you were tired, exhausted even – so being nice, being kind… you had no energy for any of it.
‘I won’t apologize, Yuna. I’d still rather you didn’t know.’ Honesty was the only choice when you were cornered as you were. You had made your choice to keep things under wraps a long time ago – you would make that same choice all over again if you had to. Protecting Yuna was a priority. ‘I’d rather you lived your life, happy, carefree, with at least some version of a family to turn to.’
‘Oh, that’s real cute, y/n.’ Sarcasm dripped from her tone. ‘A psychotic sister, and an uncle who’s a sexual offender, I hit the motherfucking jackpot.’
You weren’t irritated with the jibe, mostly because she sounded faraway. You were too tired to actually feel anything. You shook your head, trying to keep yourself present.
‘I didn’t want to take you away from your family.’ You brushed your fingers through your hair, gripping lightly in frustration. ‘I know you’ll always choose me. And I… I couldn't do that to you.’
‘Y/n, I wouldn’t choose you for the hell of it. I’d choose you because they were wrong. They are wrong. For different reasons.’
You made a face, not wanting to talk about this anymore. ‘Can we drop it? Please? I don’t like that you’re mad at me, but you have a right to be and that’s okay, but I need to deal with this on my own and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.’
Anxiety got the better of you as you were met with silence on her end. Did you push her too far away?
‘I’m sorry, y/n.’
‘Stop it.’ You made a face. ‘Stop hurting.’ You brushed her off. 'There's nothing for you to be sorry about. None of it was your fault.' You turned your neck to the side and stretched a little. Your body was aching for some godforsaken reason. Maybe it was the fatigue. 'You can’t control his actions and you of all people should know that.’
‘Can you blame me? Would you be able to rest easy knowing you aided and abetted something so despicable?’
‘You didn’t know.’
‘Yeah, whose fault is that?’
‘For fucks, sake Yuna, what good has it done?’ You didn’t bother to hold back your frustration. ‘So now that you know you, what good does it do? You literally disowned him, the only parental figure you had left.’
‘I am not like you, y/n! You may keep your ties with your father, albeit at a distance, but I can’t keep ties with someone when all I’ve ever known about them was a complete load of bullshit! I burn bridges and I don’t regret it.’
You pulled your lips together in an effort to keep your mouth shut. Because Yuna was right. You tolerated way more from your father than you should have.
‘Yes, I miss my parents. Yesterday, more than ever. But I know and love genuine people that I choose to consider my family. Kenta, Yoshi and Jinx, Taehyung, Hoseok… you, y/n. And I would never compromise on those relationships, especially not for something so wrong.’
You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.
You understood what she was saying, but you were not gonna budge. Internally you knew you would go back and make the same decision. To keep it from her. Because no one, absolutely no one deserves to know that they loved and cared, let alone respected, someone capable of sexual assault.
It was a mind boggling thing, that it was so ‘normal’ and there were so many stories of it, and so many women that had lived through it… but having it happen to you, or having actually known someone with those thoughts and the daring to follow through with them…
'I would have fully supported you if you decided that you wanted to file a formal report and put him behind bars. Hell, I’d go as far as throwing away the key without batting an eye! But now it’s pointless, because you let him go!’
You couldn't stay quiet this time. 'Back then maybe it would have given me something, even a sense of satisfaction! But not now. My father didn't do it when it mattered most, Yu. He didn't listen to me, he didn't file a report, and he didn't protect me. And I have lived my whole goddamn life just fine… whether Kwang was around or not.' You met Namjoon’s eye, his head tilted in your direction, watching over you and you let his strength fill you with pride. ' I did pretty damn well for myself. And I will be just fine for the rest of my life. Because I don't want to make this a big thing. I don't want the stress of paperwork and legal fees and reporters having a field day over my life. That's my choice. That's for me. And everyone who loves me… should be able to afford me that.'
You didn't know what she was going to say next, but you knew whatever it was you would have an answer for it, because you were so tired of explaining yourself, when you really didn't need to.
I can’t say I agree with that, y/n.’ Yuna admitted softly, causing your anger to quickly die down. ‘But I also don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say to you to make this right for you… I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,’ she clicked her tongue, ‘or what you’ve gone through.’
‘As long as you don’t start crying again, I think we’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah,’ her voice dropped like she turned away from the phone, ‘Kenta is standing by.’
You chuckled half-heartedly. ‘Give the man a break. ‘It’s only your first night of marriage and already Kenta had to call for back-up.’ You tried to tease her, but your efforts fell flat when she didn’t meet you halfway.
‘He’s worried about you too.’
‘I’m fi --,’ a dull waft of déjà vu overcame you. You used the same words on the same man the night before. You closed your eyes and pulled your knees up, to rest your chin against them. ‘I’ll be fine.’
It was actually so hard to keep reassuring her. There was never a need to save a conversation with Yuna before. To think of what to say, to try and change the subject or make a joke.
It felt forced, and you were not in the mood.
Actually, no. You wanted to tell her the truth, come clean about all the gory details and yell and scream and cry and just let it all bubble up so you wouldn’t have to mask your pain from her, or act in front of her, or hold your tongue like it was the seams of a corset that needed to be tied tight together.
But Kwang Jae was still her family. And she was still reeling from the discovery of the reality of him.
You couldn’t add to it. Not with her. You might never be able to talk about it with her, simply because of who she was to him… and to you.
‘When?’
The question had you blinking your eyes open. ‘Huh?’
‘When can we talk about it? No secrets. No filters. Everything.’
You inhaled shakily, as softly as you possibly could, because if you cried, she would hear it in your voice. It was stupid for such an honest question to rattle you, it was even more stupid for you to hold onto the pain, the secret, like it was only yours to keep, only yours to deal with. ‘I don’t know… if I ever can talk about it.’
‘I leave in three days, babe.’
You blew out a puff of air. ‘Maybe the distance will do us some good.’ You didn’t want to hurt her. But it’s not like she knew how to handle you either. You were a victim of her Uncle and though you had never considered her as such, she was still Kwang Jae’s niece.
‘I don’t want to leave like this. I don’t want us to have time apart and not talk and be awkward. We can’t have distance like this, y/n…this has happened to us before and I don’t want us to go through that again. Just the mere thought of it hurts already.’
Once again you were reminded of how selfish you were when you took over Arem, pushing Yuna so far away she had no choice but to live life without you for a while.
‘I can’t miss you, y/n… It hurts to miss you. Physically, I can deal… but emotionally…’
‘Of course you have to go.’ Your heart broke for her, but you had to be practical. ‘You were always going to go, Yu.’ You swiped away tears when they fell out of your eyes and you sniffed shortly. ‘We need some time to figure things out, that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. You are definitely not going to lose me.’
You could practically feel her panic when she said, ‘I can change plans easily.’
Your face twisted in annoyance, something miserable. You knew she was pulling at straws. Namjoon caught your eye and you nodded softly, reassuring him. ‘Tell you what, I’m coming with you to set up and when we’re over there, I’ll answer whatever you want me to answer, within reason. But for now, for today when we finalize packing and whatever else we need to… be normal. For me. For now. Please.’
‘Kinda hard for me to be normal, when you leave pastel pink lingerie in my en-suite bathroom – the material is exquisite by the way.’
You swallowed hard in relief as she changed the subject. You wiped away stray tears before you answered. ‘Figured you’d want something pink.’ You looked at the clock, 5.30am. You rubbed your eyes.
‘You know, it still hasn’t hit me that I got married yesterday.’
‘Hmm,’ you smiled sadly. ‘Yuna Mei. A whole wife.’ You chuckled wetly. ‘I think it’s been a long time coming, Yu. You’ve done so much alone, been through so much pain with the wrong ones… we’ve always believed that the universe rewards accordingly.’
‘I really am lucky to have him.’ You could hear sadness in her voice.
‘What are you thinking?’ You prompted her, not willing to ignore any of her reservations, no matter what they were about.
‘I thought she would show up. At least, a small part of me hoped.’
You knew who she was talking about. You also knew how much strength it took her to admit to you of all people that she missed her sister immensely.
You would always rather Yuna tell you the truth, about all her feelings. She didn’t need to hold back on your behalf.
‘I’m sorry about Helen.’ You had the decency to be genuine about that statement. You would tolerate Helen any day for Yuna.
‘Yeah,’ she scoffed, ‘But I mean it was a long shot anyway. And let’s not forget that she wasn’t welcome.’ You heard the disappointment in her voice, but you couldn’t comfort her. Having Helen there would have been the cherry on the top. ‘God I can just imagine if she were there, what a fuck up it would have been. Yuna went silent for a minute then she snorted, ‘Fucking Neenah.’
‘What?’ Your eyebrows furrowed and you sat up, instantly alert. ‘What did you say?’
‘What?’ Yuna sounded confused. ‘Neenah?’
‘Yeah, who’s Neenah?’ You swung your legs over the nook, as Namjoon got out of the bed.
‘Neenah as in Helen.’ She offered as if it was common knowledge.
‘What do you mean Neenah as in Helen? Helen is Helen. Whose Neenah?’
‘Helen is Neenah! Y/n, why are you freaking out? What’s this about?’
Namjoon mouthed the word ‘speaker’ as he came down on his haunches next to you.
‘Because of the name Neenah, Yuna.’ You moved the phone away from your ear and tapped the speaker icon. ‘Since when is Helen, Neenah? She doesn’t have a second name.’
‘She doesn’t have a second name. It’s Neenah Jae. You know, as in Kwang Jae, so Neenah Jae. She practices under that name. Actually it’s her new name. Well, no, wait, it’s not actually new, because that’s the name she’s used ever since she started practicing law. Such a fucking waste of a gesture now that I know the truth.’
‘How have I not known this?’ You stared at the phone like it was a bug, not really understanding what she was droning on about. ‘And isn’t it illegal to have a different name.’
‘No. I mean there is this ethics thing that considers it ‘misleading’ if she uses two names.’ You could imagine her rolling her eyes at the word misleading. ‘But unless there’s improper motive or fraudulent activities tied to why she uses one name socially and another professionally, they can’t actually do anything to her. As for why you didn’t know, I mean it probably never came up. It’s not like we discuss her. She usually just leaves a bad taste behind.’
‘Why change it though?’ Namjoon mouthed to you and repeated the question. ‘Why did she change it?’
Yuna clicked her tongue. ‘Because she’s Unc -- Kwang’s favorite.’ You didn’t miss the way she caught herself. ‘No, but seriously, I never needed to change my name. Mum and Dad gave it to me and I kept their last name, because I like the link to them, even if it's a painful connection. But Helen took Kwang’s last name and somehow it worked out because we showed appreciation for our parents and for Uncle Kwang for taking care of us. It was supposed to be a grand gesture of sorts.’
‘Neenah though?’ you questioned where it even came from.
‘Oh yeah, that’s what Unc, Fuck!’ She cursed and continued, 'Kwang used to call her when we were little and ran around in diapers. I was Nana and she was Neenah.’
You looked back at Namjoon, unable to follow her down memory lane. He placed his hand on your knee and added pressure that somehow eased the motions of your building anxiety. He mouthed ‘Gambit’.
‘Did she work at Gambit?’
You understood what he was doing. Namjoon was being logical, he was tying up every single loose end, because he knew how important this piece of information was.
‘Yep. Straight out of law school she started as an intern and did her articles and stuff for a small start-up part of the original firm. But you know Heli, she climbed on people, not ladders. Eventually she made her way to the main office at Gambit – the best of the best.’
‘Yu,’ you contemplated saying your next words, but went ahead anyway, ‘how much did Kenta tell you about what Huru found out about Maiya?’
‘Not, a lot. I mean I know the surface level bullshit. You know, her tragic backstory, blaming someone else, the mastermind being someone else.’ Yuna sounded regretful. ‘I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t know how deep this went until recently. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.’
‘No, I understand. But like, Yu, this is… ‘ you looked at Namjoon for a little help and he was already so broody and angry and protective and this new piece of information was so unexpected, ‘I mean she’s Maiya’s lawyer Yuna.’
Yuna stayed silent on her end, so you continued.
‘When Huru met up with us at Arem, he had a bunch of information at his fingertips. One of them being that her lawyer was a Neenah Jae that worked in Gambit Associates.’
‘Fuck. Me. Do you think Heli –?’
‘No,’ you said too fast to shut down her theory, even if you knew how plausible it was. ‘She stopped taking Maiya’s cases for a while now. And when we visited Gambit, they said Neenah had left. She doesn’t work there anymore.’
‘You’re saying she left work? Why? She loved that job!’
You shot Namjoon a pained look. This was obviously a coincidence. One skirting a fine line.
‘I’m not sure.’ You pushed your hair back and held your head. ‘I’m sorry… for my reaction. I just, it’s just a little paranoia settling in. So Heli was Maiya’s lawyer and worked her brother’s cases pro bono. It’s work. And it’s a small world.’
‘Not that small,’ Namjoon muttered.
‘Wait, no, what if she’s involved?’
‘Come on, Heli is mean and rude and really really bitchy…’ you tried to comfort her, this would be too much of a blow for her, ‘but let’s not read too much into this. We have no proof. And honestly, right now, we don’t have to. Maiya is behind bars, and whoever else was a part of this has to find a new pawn before they get to us again.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘I am. Don’t let this bother you, Yuna. If Heli or Neenah’s reputation precedes her, she probably took a lot of cases pro bono, not just Maiya’s.’ You didn’t wait for her to reply, you needed to get off the phone, to talk with Namjoon, to make sense of things. ‘Now go, you gotta get back to Kenta. I’ll see you later.’
‘Wait, y/n, --,’
‘I’m fine, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘No, wait, do you have my necklace? Can you bring it over later?’
You scrunch your eyebrows. ‘Yeah, hold on.’
‘That’s why Kenta and I turned back last night. I know it’s stupid. And I know’ you’d keep it safe, but it’s something I have to have in my hand, you know.’ She babbled as she explained herself. And it wasn’t necessary. Because you did the same when you locked your doors. You’d walk all the way upstairs and back down again just to do a double check. Some things needed to be held, touched, seen in front of your eyes, a reassurance that it was real.
You motioned for Namjoon to reach over to grab your clutch from the floor near the bed. You flipped it open and felt around the small zipper compartment on the inside. ‘Yep, right here.’ You held it up… and did a double take.
‘Thank you so much for kee –,’
Yuna’s voice drowned out as you turned over the pendant in your palm.
Mum and Dad gave this to us when we were little. The clasp is loose, the memory of Yuna’s remarks from while she was getting ready before the ceremony echoed in your head.
Your mouth dropped open and your blood ran cold. You closed your eyes, and looked at it again.
‘Y/n?’ Yuna’s voice found its way to you.
‘Babe, I have it. I- um, I’ll see you later.’ You mumbled into the phone, ignoring Yuna’s protests before clicking the power button to end the call.
You tried to rationalize what you were seeing, you tried to justify any of the scenarios your brain scooped up, no matter how implausible. You couldn’t.
Before you knew it your legs were moving. It was like tunnel vision. Nothing mattered. Not your pain, or your exhaustion, or your trauma. Not Yuna, not even Namjoon. In that moment you were focused on one thing, and one thing only.
Throwing the door of your home office open, you raced in and searched through the floor plans on the desk and pushed aside any other item in your way until you found what you were looking for. A thin silver strand caught your eye. Breathing hard, you pull it up and compare the two pendants.
Silver circular backing, the etching of a compass, the North star, in diamantes. ‘Shit!’
You felt the heat of Namjoon’s body before he placed his hands on your waist. ‘Wanna tell me what’s going on?’
You held up your hand. Yuna’s necklace. ‘Yuna’s parents gave her this. They gave it to both daughters when they were really young. I kept this for her, because she wanted to use it today, but the clasp has always been a piece of work.’ You closed your eyes against the heavy truth. ‘That’s for damn sure.’
Namjoon was smart, but he couldn’t read minds – even you knew that. But you couldn’t explain, not when you were still figuring it out yourself.
To see y/n’s perfect little world crumble when she gets the guy, the company, both parents, money, fame, respect, and the sister… Let me grab a front row seat and popcorn.
Or really, it was always right there, in front of you and you just couldn’t bring yourself to accept it.
Your husband reached over to trace both necklaces. ‘Talk to me, baby. One belongs to Yuna… and the other?’
‘Hobi and I found it outside the bar.’ You licked your lip. ‘Around where the picture was taken.’
You didn’t need to look back at him. Namjoon didn’t need prompting. You could practically hear the gears in his head.
Until finally, he said the words out loud. ‘So this is definitely Helen’s?’
You nod slowly and concentrate on breathing deeply so your thoughts didn’t get too clouded.
‘Huru said that Maiya had a roommate with access to the legal department. Right?’
You loved this man. He could be so rational, even if the world was collapsing around him. In turn, that stability gave you something to stand on. ‘He said she’s got a record of someone staying with her, during her college years, into her working life.’
Hobi’s voice rang in your head. But she said it was her roommate, we all heard her.
Then Huru’s voice. Because the roommate that I couldn’t find, remember her y/n, that apparently took the pictures, well she’s got some connection with Gambit. I know this because I don’t have a single speck of information on her, other than the fact that they paid for her college tuition
You moved the rest of the papers off the desk onto the floor – you had to sit down. Because this was…this was fucked up. First the Uncle and now you were being fucked over by the twin.
You lifted your legs and placed your socked feet on the office chair and you clutched at the edge of the desk.
I can’t find her. It’s like she never existed.
Because Neenah didn’t exist. It was Helen’s past and Neenah’s future.
Okay. Okay. Think, y/n. Maiya. What was the point of Maiya?
Maiya has gotten Mihlan out of his sticky situations solely because she’s had a really good lawyer backing her up. Neenah Jae. Unfortunately she decided she didn’t really need to offer her services as pro bono any longer. She’s up for senior partner.
So Maiya needed Helen’s help… desperately. But Neenah wouldn’t give her the time of day… not unless Maiya would do something for her first.
Was it really that deep though? To fuck with her own self-respect.
Maiya's voice from the club rang out. …the minute he was given to me to hold, I knew I would always protect him.
That made sense. And when Maiya mentioned that she had lost her brother all over again, because of you, she really meant that it was Helen that wanted you to leave Namjoon and lose it all, and when you didn’t, Neenah wouldn’t help Maiya. No wonder she was so unhinged.
Slowly, like the trickle of honey, the heavy, honest truth filled in all the blindspots.
You dropped your head into your hands and ran your fingers through your hair and tugged… hard.
You closed your eyes and rocked back and forth.
—-------
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon said his wife’s name, in an effort to stabilize her.
She shook her head, a half-hearted attempt to keep him out. When she kept rocking her body forward and tugged harder at her hair, he knew he had to do something.
‘Y/n,’ he said firmly and shackled both her wrists. The rocking stopped.
‘What the fuck is this shit?’ She kept her eyes closed as she whispered the words. ‘Honestly, what the fuck!’ She raised her head and her voice. ‘I don’t deserve this Namjoon, we don’t deserve any of it!’
He invaded her personal space and took her into his arms.
What else could he do? What could he possibly say that could make up for any of the shit she had to deal with in such a short space of time. It was like Y/n was allowed the time to heal and grow and be happy, only for all of that progress to be derailed.
He knew it wasn’t fair. Y/n didn’t deserve any of the bullshit that had been thrown her way in the course of the last few weeks.
‘I’m not the cause of Helen’s problems, Namjoon!’ She placed her head against his abdomen and curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. He bent down and pressed a kiss into her hair.
‘This is all my fault, Joon. If she’s behind this, if she’s the one that’s doing all this, I –, ‘ she broke off, her mouth open, the shock still on her face as she shook her head, confused, still processing, ‘Fuck!’ She dropped her forehead against him.
Namjoon wasn’t used to feeling this helpless. All he could do was be there for her right now.
Backtracking everything, relooking at the files and connecting the dots… There was so much to retrace. Not to mention he had a packed schedule, Arem opened the following week, Kenta and Yuna were moving and all of it came second to the battle y/n had to fight within herself.
Crushing y/n closer to him. The anger that coursed through Namjoon was unyielding. It coursed through his veins, his bloodstream, until the tendons in his neck stood out and his body burned because he had nowhere to put it. He couldn’t make love to his wife, he couldn’t make her forget, he couldn’t find her with his hands and his mouth and his words as he usually would, not in her current state. He couldn’t leave her alone and vent to his brothers either.
The most important thing to Namjoon was reassuring Y/n that he would never leave her, not for anything, especially not for something that was not her fault to begin with.
She nudged him away and hopped off the desk without warning. ‘I have to call Kenta.’
He grabbed her by her arm. ‘Y/n, he literally got married yesterday and he’s really worried about you.’
Her eyes flashed fire. ‘You can’t tell me that Kenta of all people didn’t know about this bullshit.’ He loved her fire. He would always rather see her fight and argue and use her smartass mouth, he would take a bitchy y/n anyday, over a helpless one.
‘You can’t just demand answers from him. Imagine how he’d feel if you’re wrong about him knowing. If he does know, I believe he would have a good reason for keeping it from us.’ He brushed his knuckles across her cheek. Did he think that Kenta knew about Helen? Namjoon couldn’t know for sure. Was he equally pissed at the possibility of Kenta not knowing? Hell yes. But he wasn’t about to enable y/n. ‘Trust him, okay? You can ask him later when we see him.’
He watched as she mulled over his words, savored the moment when she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Good. Holding her back from doing anything rash would also save her from saying anything she didn’t mean.
Y/n would feel the effects twice over, if she hurt the people she loved, unintentional or not.
‘I don’t know what to do.’ It was a jagged statement. Something that made her look small and vulnerable.
Namjoon touched his nose to hers. ‘I think you can afford yourself a day to process everything, baby. You don’t have to always be so strong.’
‘I don’t feel anything.’ She protested, a stubborn curve on her lips.
‘Not knowing how you feel or how to feel, is not the same as not feeling anything at all.’
‘Stop it.’ He narrowed his eyes at her tone, immediately on guard. ‘Stop being so accommodating.’ Her voice rose an octave with each word. ‘Stop being so understanding, stop rationalizing, stop pushing, just stop loving me like this.’ She growled and placed a fist on his sternum to keep him at a distance from her. ‘Look at what we just found out. Really look at it! I’ve basically fucked your life over, your career. God knows what else she has planned. I am the reason you cheated on me.’
‘First of all,’ he placed his hands on her ass, refusing to let her distance herself. ‘You don’t know the specifics, y/n. You don’t know why Helen was actually there. You don’t know if it was her plan or a coincidence.’
Y/n scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be naive.’
‘You don’t have the right.’ He forced the statement through clenched teeth. ‘You don’t have the right to take responsibility. For any of it.’ He really, really wanted to bite her.
Y/n placed her forearms on his and glared, looking every bit a petulant, infuriating woman being told the truth they didn’t want to hear.
Namjoon looked at her pointedly, daring her to dispute. ‘Are you done with the generalizations? Want to make some more so I can shut them down?’
‘You sound like you’re pining for a fight, Namjoon.’
‘No, baby, you are.’ He squeezed her ass. ‘You have all this anger and all this pain and no place to put it and that’s why you’re snapping at me and you want to see if I will make good on your fears and walk away from you.’ He bent forward, stared into her eyes, and looked at her lips, but he didn’t kiss her. Not yet. Not this time. ‘I am not walking away. I am not folding. I am not giving you up. I don’t care who, what or why.’ He let her see how serious he was. ‘So if you want to fight, we’ll fight. You want me to ruin their lives and get rid of our problems permanently, I’ll do it. But it’s you and me, y/n.’ He whispered against her lips. ‘It’s always going to be you and me.’
Maybe it would seem like a long shot to keep fighting and clawing their way to each other, but it was the only thing that made sense to Namjoon. He would not let her push him away, not because of Kwang and definitely not for something like this.
He could see it as clear as day in her eyes, how terrified she was of losing him, of him getting hurt, and he wouldn’t let that fear win. Her bottom lip quivered, and she pushed hard enough that she got out of his hold and walked out of the study without another word.
Namjoon let her go. He watched her go, her bare feet, long legs walking away from him, his oversized t-shirt engulfing her small form... he was protective as a norm, but this feeling, the need to keep her safe, to protect her, to do anything for her fears and her pain to go away... it clawed at his heart. He didn’t like unfinished business. Not with y/n. But he also knew y/n needed space and whether she accepted it or not, her trust, her heart, her defenses were completely obliterated. He would have to hover and stay close and protect her, especially now that they had enemies so close.
He rubbed a hand over his face and stared at the two necklaces on the table. Sabotage and blackmail and guns… It seemed like something out of a movie. Helen Mei. Neenah Jae. Maiya Song.
Namjoon clicked his tongue and turned to look out the window of their study.
Kwang Jae was scum. Absolute scum. Fighting the urge to strangle Kwang with his bare hands, waiting out the red haze that coated his vision when he found the bastard lunging for her… He grit his teeth. Letting y/n make the final call was one of the hardest things he had to do.
And what y/n felt… how could he judge that? What he said was true. Her nerves were shot.
Emotionally, she had conditioned herself to trust Kwang, and sometimes the body wasn’t as good at playing catch up as the mind. And from what he’d heard from y/n, when she talked about it, Kwang was taking his time, savoring every second, using y/n’s body against her.
Y/n was still a little girl on the inside. That little girl was taught to love her parents and not raise her voice at them, not protest any of their decisions for her life, and Kwang was a guardian. A solid male with a strong foundation for always making y/n feel safe… No child would want to disappoint someone that they love, or ever make them unhappy.
It was a crisscross of blurred lines between Kwang’s actions, his intentions and what he'd groomed y/n to feel. He wanted her to be scared of him. He wanted her to feel guilty for saying no to what he wanted to do to her.
A glass paperweight was thrown across the room and shattered against the wall. Kwang wanted y/n to please him.
Namjoon breathed hard, feeling all too helpless, with so much rage and nowhere to put it.
He couldn’t imagine how betrayed y/n was feeling. And he felt bad for pushing her but he had to push. She’d already been minimizing it in her head, highlighting her own feelings instead of his actions.
Just didn’t rape me.
He did. As far as Namjoon was concerned Kwang had been abusing y/n since the day he realized he was sexually attracted to her. But y/n couldn’t see that.
Y/n was ashamed of herself, feeling guilt as if it was her fault, and what made it even worse was her perception of safety.
For a long time Kwang was a safety net. Realistically y/n didn’t walk into oncoming traffic like it was safe, that would be ridiculous, but she was physically forced and also not. He touched her not as an abuser but a lover. And y/n did the only thing she could do in a situation where the odds seemed insurmountable – she dissociated. Ice princess.
Namjoon sighed. Maybe it wasn’t fair to y/n at all to work on the theory he’d been spinning in his head, but the more thought he put into it, the more he knew he needed the story to be reiterated and confirmed. What really happened that day?
Did isolation and dissociation start with the trauma from her father, or did it start with Kwang? And if it started after the incident when she was younger, then how did she react before she defended herself, what did she feel then?
And if things had been different, her emotions, her response, did she alter the event in her mind or maybe she pushed it out of her mind completely. All night she seemed to be reliving the most recent one, instead of blocking it out, but only time would tell.
If he was being honest with himself, Namjoon would rather focus on y/n rather than himself, because he had his own guilt to level with. He would be a fool not to admit that it was disturbing to be faced with the realization that he was part of a plan, that his lapse in judgment was relied on, let alone included in some master plan to ruin his y/n’s life. He was ashamed that it had worked perfectly for Helen, up until y/n decided she wouldn’t leave him.
And he would never leave y/n.
Maybe another man would be fazed with y/n’s reaction, her inability to react as the situation called for it, but Namjoon knew his wife. He knew her better than she knew herself. And he felt y/n’s love… everywhere. He saw proof of it, in his life. His brothers, his band, overlooking his flaws and mistakes – she adored him and never shied away from showcasing it to the people that mattered.
Something inside him smiled dangerously as he remembered how he found Kwang clutching his jaw, blood dripping from his nose. Y/n may not have reacted in time for herself, but when she was clear headed he would remind her that she reacted when it mattered most. For all he knew, it was the same back then when he tried to touch her.
Yeah. The trauma would remain, but his y/n would make it out of this, and he would be right there with her.
And maybe making her relive her trauma so fast was a reckless decision, maybe he’d been harder than he needed to be, maybe incensing and arguing with her wasn’t the best idea and maybe he wasn’t taking this whole Helen, Neenah bullshit seriously enough yet… but one thing was for sure, no one could tell Kim Namjoon how to take care of his wife, absolutely no one knew Kim Y/n better than him, and he would dare anyone to contest that, because the only thing worse than feeling broken, was the one you loved most treating you as if you were.
UGHHH I can’t say I didn’t see this coming but reading it just made me so angry and it’s the hint of a rift between yuna and mc that makes me really fucking nervous. At the very least, Namjoon got to tell mc he’s here to stay 🙌
(I have a lot more thoughts on the epilogue though - and that just got me fuming on a whole new level)
Since I'm done with this era, I feel like I can be expressive, so bear with me coz I talk alot, and you really have your head wrapped around this au and I am fully immersed in the characters,
Yuna and Yns bond from here on out not only changed because of Yuna's marriage but now more so because she knows about what her uncle has done. And that becomes a sort of black mark on a perfectly white cloth,
Not to say that they can't be friends, theres too much love for that to happen, but adapting around it is going to take time. And when bonds adapt they're never the same again unfortunately.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Word Count - 3.4k
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A/N - This is it. The end of the first era. GODDAMN. I mean 13 months is a long time. And just for context, the whole au, is over 300k words. So if you've read all of that, hats off to you.
My amazing betas. Thank you for being with me on this long journey. @hxseok-honee for the first ever read of Nerve, spurring me onward. My sister from another mister, my love, @casnextdoor for the prompt, the one that started it all, betaing numerous chapters, reading my rants and essays on who what when where and why, for naming chapters like Dependency, and giving me strength for chapters like Finale [R] and for loving me, to always check on me and make sure I'm not putting writing before food and sleep and mental health which I have before. @shina913 for the whatsapp messages, the inspiring talks, the ideas and discussions, the betaing and the friend that you are thank you so much for treating Nerve as you have, as your own. @jaysdimples for the betaing, for the hype and the love and the genuine support and the voice notes and asks, sigh, I adore you. And my best guy friend who I know usually checks in on here because he's as invested in my writing as I am, and he's watched me pace around my office and squeeze in writing time and bitch about the emotions my characters are feeling, I appreciate you.
My honourable mentions, @moresarcasm for listening to me bitch about my plot endlessly and for always welcoming me with open arms every single time I needed it.
Some of the supports that I would not have continued to update without @justmewondering-recs you are absolutely the one that dissects and makes me think and research and believe and I have loved every single reblog even when they were long and clogged up the TL. @onlythehobi as if I can ever do without your username popping up, thank you for being there every single week and having me look forward to your feedback. @cuteipat , three reblogs at a time, the hype cannot be compared, thank you for being such a great friend to me. @blushingatyou, @codeinebelle, @toriluvsfics for the dms, that hold my hand and remind me that I can talk, that I can be true to my vision, that I am a great writer and how much you love Nerve and I have loved every single second of your support, you are absolutely amazing people. To my commentors I would love to name you, but the post only allows for fifty mentions and I'm out here like?? But thank you for the weekly reads, the comments, the INVESTMENT.
Sharing Nerve was something life changing because of the ones who have read it and have appreciated the au for how it's played out. It was by far one of my longest commitments and something challenging that I seem to have accomplished.
Thank you for being a part of this with me. Truly.
- Dee 🖤
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Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. - Sigmund Freud
'Not surprised to find you here.'
Helen lifted her head toward the voice and smiled. She'd heard his footsteps on the walkway to the terrace. If he didn't want her to, he'd have made sure of it.
Turning back, Helen let her surroundings in. The moon was high, round and white, sitting in the blanket of the night sky. Finding stars was hard when the cityscape robbed the tiny dots of its luminescence.
Helen preferred the city anyway.
Helen Mei didn't have time to waste on trivial things like watching the stars and spinning dreams like a hopeless romantic.
No. She had a lot of work to do.
'You left pretty early.' It was more an observation than a question, but he answered her regardless.
'Namjoon and Hoseok were becoming… problematic.' He said in his signature robotic tone.
Throughout all her schemes and plans, Huru had always been her trump card.
And not only was he the strongest one to have, she knew he’d also never let her down.
Huru sighed. 'Besides,’ he chipped off his robot voice with each word, acknowledging her privilege to experience his emotions, ‘Kenta is too occupied to have me followed for once. How could I not make the most of it?’
'Hmm,' Helen smiled as she sipped from her glass, the golden liquid chilled from the winter air, 'the whole band seems to have that 'being a problem' thing in common. And a few others.'
To be fair, Kenta was a great guy, Helen had a lot of respect for him. It was just unfortunate that he always stuck his nose in where it didn’t belong, most of the time it was all things y/n. And that didn’t bode well for Helen. Her now brother-in-law was too smart for his own good.
Huru stepped up to her, and rubbed his hands down her arms, before bringing one of her palms up to his lips. He gently nipped at her fingers.
'They won't be a problem any longer.' She felt a tickle from his breath.
Tearing her gaze away from the buildings below, Helen turned in her boyfriend’s arms. 'How are you so sure?'
He gave nothing away. He didn't make a face. He didn't fidget under her scrutiny. He met her stare head on.
It was his inner strength that had always called to her.
'Every single one of those men has too much going on. And with your sister and Kenta out of the way, y/n will be more vulnerable than ever.'
Helen's lip curled up in distaste. Kim Y/n. A permanent thorn in her side.
She didn't hate, y/n. Not at first anyway.
But build ups only had one final destination.
‘I’m surprised you didn’t come to your sister’s wedding.’
Helen didn’t imagine the twinge in her gut, but she did push it away as soon as she acknowledged what it was. 'My presence wasn't necessary.' Yuna made that perfectly clear.
'Well… your absence was felt.'
A streak of satisfaction curled around Helen's spine. She needed Yuna to miss her.
Yuna had always been one of the most important people in her life. They’d shared a womb after all. But beyond that, they shared memories with their parents, stories about the boys in the playground and the mean girls that needed to be put in their place. Clothes, toys, a mutual understanding of hobbies. Above all, Helen had always valued secrets, until Yuna stopped telling her those.
Sometimes… it really was a lost cause.
‘Heli! I submitted my script for the school play!’
Helen scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. ‘The final draft?’
Yuna nodded excitedly.
‘Without a beta?’
‘Oh, I had y/n read the final draft. And I was just too excited to wait to submit.’
But we brainstormed it together.
‘I emailed you a copy.’ Yuna turned to leave their shared bedroom.
‘Uncle Kwang is treating us to Italian, let me know what you think when you get to it,’ she called over her shoulder.
Helen’s lip curled in distaste; a mild reaction compared to the storm in her heart.
They spent endless hours on the floor of their bedroom talking about characters, and reactions and, and…
It was not Helen’s work. Yuna had every right to consult with Y/n and talk about the play and even submit. But the act of excluding Helen, made her feel… small. Like her opinion didn’t matter anymore.
And it was not the first time.
‘Yuna I thought you were going with the pink.’ Helen watched as her twin donned a dark green dress with a skirt that flares from the waist, the pastel pink, sweetheart-neckline column dress thrown haphazardly on the bed.
‘Y/n said I should try a different color.’ Helen looked down at the light blue carbon copy of the pink dress on her own body. The ringing in her ear caused her to glare at her sister through the mirror.
‘Just because she doesn’t like pink, doesn’t mean everyone around her should stop using the color.’
‘She didn’t mean it like that.’ Yuna dismissed her sister. ‘She just suggested I try a different color dress for once.’ Yuna twirled in the mirror. ‘And I have to admit, the green really compliments my skin tone.’
Helen had to admit, she made a good point. The green was a rich tone that offset Yuna’s mocha, but Helen was not about to say any of that out loud.
It was always y/n.
‘Y/n can sleep over.’
‘Y/n can share my blanket.’
‘Y/n what do you wanna do?’
‘I’m sleeping over at y/n’s, she needs me.’
What about me, Yuna, don’t I need you…
‘But Y/n said –,’
‘But Y/n thinks –,’
‘But Y/n wants –,’
Y/n. Y/n. Y/n! Always Y/n!
Helen shook her head against the thoughts and her rising anger.
She felt Huru's arm tighten around her in comfort.
Helen could have dealt with her jealousy of Y/n's life. She could deal with the fact that Y/n had everything she could ever ask for. Both her parents. Old money handed down to her. A legacy to follow up on.
Y/n had a path laid out before her, and all she had to do was live up to it.
Helen wasn't whining in that aspect. It was good to be in control of destiny. Make your own choices and decisions. But she had always been indebted to her uncle. Yuna and Helen were not his daughters, but he took care of them anyway as if they were.
It was hard to feel like she constantly had to ask, and there was a tab accumulating that was owed, but by far the worst was feeling like a burden.
And maybe it would have been manageable if the ones present in the makeshift family, were able to actually be that family.
But Yuna clicked with Y/n. And that was fine. Helen would never fault her sister with having friends and making them and she would do her best to get along with them. And Helen tried, she really did try to be friends with Y/n. But the more she tried, the worse it got.
Then it was her house that y/n always be present in. Then their time. Dinner. Outings.
And at last, it was her Uncle.
‘Did Uncle Kwang show up, like he said he would?’
Helen loved her Uncle. She would always be grateful to him… and more than a little protective. A flash of y/n’s face crossed her mind… especially when it came to spineless bitches.
‘Yeah, he put on quite a show.’ Huru spoke, a tiny bit of admiration laced in his words. ‘I’ve never seen y/n that uncomfortable. Add in Kenta, Namjoon and the whole Scooby gang, all in all, it was quite entertaining.’
Good.
Helen could understand that Kwang connected on a different level to Y/n. She shared his knowledge of architecture, indulged in his hobby for non technical based drawings, and they connected on their perspective of the world. Animated discussions would take place over the kitchen counter as the food was cooked, views and comments on the latest news would be exchanged, debates on company politics… even Yuna knew when she was excluded from the conversation, but her sister took it in stride – Helen did not.
All Y/n did was takeover. It was in her blood, just like her father.
Maybe Kwang never did actually have the capacity to be a parental figure, but Helen would have liked for him to have the chance.
He could have attended Yuna’s plays, Neenah’s first trial, weekly family dinners if they were lucky, instead he was always cooped up in his office with Kim Y/n.
It wasn’t until much later that Helen had learned why.
It was disgusting the way y/n had sold herself. Whether it was her Uncle’s attention, or dirt on him so she could steal his shares, the game y/n had played was slow, methodical and beyond repulsive. Helen’s actions paled in comparison.
And for far too long, Helen had let it go. She’d stepped away, took a backseat, as a friend, as a sister, even as a niece, but once her Uncle told her about y/n’s antics, it was game over.
‘Heli,’ Huru nipped Helen’s chin. ‘Where’d you go?’
‘Thinking about our next step,' she replied wistfully. ‘Maiya is definitely out of the equation.
'So ‘Neenah’ is not going to represent her and get her out?'
Helen clicked her tongue, the light teasing in Huru’s tone keeping her annoyance at Maiya at bay. 'She's played her part. She had all the tools, including a gun and her role all but set out for her in easy steps and she still fucked it up.'
Maiya Song had been one of Helen's roommates in university. It was an easy friendship. Maiya wanted to find her brother, and Helen wanted to be a good lawyer.
Over the years Helen had handled helping find Mihlan, convincing him of his sister's intentions, that all she wanted was to provide a better life for him. Helen had even designated herself the Song family lawyer, saving Mihlan more times than she could count and playing an active role in his journey in and out of rehab centers.
But everyone had their limits. And Helen was no longer the soft-hearted, giving woman she was when she was younger.
At some point Maiya was less of a friend, and more of a burden. But Maiya always begged, and pleaded to save her brother, even when Mihlan deliberately did the wrong things and joined the wrong crowds and Helen understood the love one would have for their sibling… But enough was enough.
Helen didn't even care that the most recent incident wasn't Mihlan's fault, he'd used up all of his ‘get out of jail free’ cards and Neenah had a lot more going on.
Gambit had cheated her out of that promotion. Her superiors had known that she used a different name outside the practice. It was non-legal and not ethically or morally wrong. Her name on the bar was Neenah Jae for chrissake.
But it was all too 'iffy' according to the board. And such a character could not be on the front-line of the firm.
They would live to regret their decision. Helen would make sure of it.
So yeah, Maiya Song was done, so was her brother. They were effectively removed from the situation. And if Maiya sang like her surname implied, Helen had a lot more to nail her with. Mihlan Song had been very busy.
And Huru had been saving her ass, so many times, in the secrets department and more. That heads up before Y/n and Namjoon visited Gambit was so small, but also one of many perks to having him on the inside.
'Thank you for splicing the footage by the way,' Helen curled her fingers between Huru's, 'and for planting the gun behind the counter of VIP3 for her to pick up with her Orbit uniform.’
Huru shrugged. ‘It wasn’t hard.’ He rested his head on her shoulder and looked toward the city nightlife. ‘When I was checking the counter for cameras or chips, I just had to strap it under, so the ‘waitress’ for the evening could easily get a hold of it.'
‘Yeah, Bree’s security is quite thorough, especially with weapons. Only certain bodyguards and security detail can get around the rule. Her own bouncers aren’t allowed to carry firearms.’
‘Too bad Maiya didn't use it properly. It was a complete and utter shitshow.’
‘Just like her brother.’
Helen clenched her hands on the railing in front of her and let the cold of the steel bite her skin. ‘It would have been so easy, so easy, if Y/n just left him.’ Or if Maiya just got a lucky shot.
As far as Helen knew, Y/n was always insecure about her relationship with her husband, she always thought she was less, that he deserved better. She was right.
And by blowing up at her straight after the confession and telling her to stay with Namjoon out of desperation, Helen thought Y/n would be too proud not to leave him. Obviously not out of self-respect, but of the fear that she really would never be enough for the idol.
Y/n’s world would crumble if only Namjoon was removed from the equation. Helen had already bided her time, waiting for her sister to take Kenta away.
Having her husband, having Yuna, Kenta, the band to turn to, gave Y/n a strength that no one, not even Helen could contest with.
But one by one, her plans had been falling apart.
‘As for the footage, it didn’t take long. The same system was used at the bar.’
There was a consolation there. ‘At least Kenta doesn’t suspect anything about that footage.’
‘He doesn’t because he hasn’t seen it. That harddrive was taken by Yoongi and Jin.’ Huru had been collecting facts ever since she’d decided to put him on their radar.
Helen knew Y/n would want to keep things quiet, always thinking practically about reputation and career longevity. But even then, y/n would want to have some sort of control of the situation when the pictures were ‘leaked’.
A private investigator, one whose skills were too good to pass-up. Kenta knew he’d fucked up by pulling Huru in, but Huru was the best, and it was too late now.
Of course, Huru knew who Maiya’s roommate was. Helen turned her head to rub her cheek against Huru’s. He knew Neenah Jae, up close and personal.
‘But they can’t have any of the drive’s contents getting out so it's most probably destroyed. To top it off, the band wouldn’t want to actually see any of that footage again. It was too disappointing for them.’
‘Collateral damage.’ Helen heard herself say. The idea that Namjoon cheated on Y/n of his own free will, may have not played out as well as Helen liked, but it was still a solid one.
Getting a hold of the drive from Hazey’s bar was not a priority, but she would have to look into convincing Huru to take the risk to look for it. If Kenta watched it as meticulously as he watched the club footage, he’d find the parts that Huru deleted. Particularly the parts containing Maiya lacing Namjoon’s alcohol with hallucinogenics. If Namjoon were to be put through a urine test the days after, his results would have lit up like a Christmas Tree. Ketamine. Xanax. PCP. All capable of leaving him fatigued with uncoordinated movements, and completely susceptible to suggestion… he could have died considering she’d tied it all with alcohol, but they were a small dosage and it was worth the risk. Kim Namjoon loved his wife to obsession, and he was physically imposing, healthy, due to strenuous workouts and precision-based choreography, not to mention diets that kept him functioning.
Helen had to face it. A naked woman could approach Namjoon and he’d never take her up on the offer – Y/n was too important.
She scoffed. Y/n was always too important to everyone.
Poor Namjoon. The sad part was that he would never know, he was never the one at fault. The only ones who knew about the drugs were either in jail, or would never say so. Huru definitely wouldn't.
‘The wake-up call for that family is necessary.’ Helen shook her head in mock disappointment. ‘If only they knew each other’s secrets. A relationship under the radar, the oldest’s secret obsession, the demons that haunt every single one of them…’ she scoffed at the information Huru had dug up about the band. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart. She turned her head up to look at Huru. ‘And you’ll be y/n’s knight in shining armor when all hell breaks loose.’
Huru smirked. ‘Jealous.’
Helen glanced at his lips and back. ‘Very.’
It was always the plan to make it look like he was into y/n. Everyone would be more focused on him trying to get close to y/n and not suspect ulterior motives.
Possession. Jealousy. Protectiveness. They were all very volatile emotions, easily straining the band’s so-called strong bond with y/n and paving the way for an eruptive response purely for the cinematic experience.
When they broke away from their soft kiss, she breathed deeply, letting her thoughts be, oddly feeling more relaxed than she thought possible.
‘I’ve never asked you this,’ Huru started, ‘to be fair, I actually assumed that this was all about exposing y/n and making her as miserable as possible in the process, but…. I have yet to hear of that part of the plan. So what’s the endgame?’
The question made Helen frown. It was a redundant one, especially because they were so deep in the game.
‘Exposing y/n will do no good. We don’t have proof of it.’ Helen scoffed. ‘It’s a long shot when everyone trusts her so blindly. Any accusation… will fall on deaf ears.’ She folded her arms when Huru finished the last bit of her drink. ‘Do I want her without her family and her husband, sure, but my endgame has always been to separate her from my sister.’
Huru fell silent. ‘I’m not sure that’s possible, Heli.’
‘We’ll make it happen.’
Making y/n miserable was only a perk. Having her feel alone, having her loved ones ripped away from her, watching her life fall apart – Helen would be there for every minute of it.
‘I’ve already got Yuna across the country.’ Helen thought out loud. Huru tilted his head sideways in confusion. She smiled as she answered his silent question. ‘Who do you think negotiated the contract to get Yuna Mei to produce her own movie?’
A minute of stunned silence.
‘Wow.’ Huru said without emotion.
It didn’t take much. Gambit handled the studio’s legalities in Korea. Neenah played a part in the legal team, and slipping in Yuna’s name, along with her resume didn’t take much work. Yuna was, after all, very good at her job.
‘I’d do anything for my sister, Huru. You know that.’ Yuna might never love her as much, as she had stated, ‘at some point it’s your character… and I can’t deal with it anymore’ but Helen would always look out for her.
‘I know,’ Huru’s arms curled around her and crushed her to his front. ‘I’m here for you, baby. Whatever you need. I just hope it’s all worth it.’
It will be.
Helen was not naïve enough to believe that ruining y/n’s life would make her happy, but she did know that some part of her wanted to feel less… pain.
She had survived losing her parents. She survived losing her sister. She survived being alone and having no one to turn to. She survived that failed test, the cases she lost, the physical attack from one of her clients, the misogynistic behavior at her firm, the bitchy senior lawyer she got fired, processing her uncle’s experience – Helen survived it all and she survived it alone. But being strong didn’t negate the amount of struggle she had to go through. And maybe she was obsessed and a little psychotic and maybe it didn’t make sense to anyone else and maybe it never would… all Helen knew was that she would not be the only one to suffer anymore, consequences be damned, but Helen Mei would not be the only one with a heart broken beyond repair.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 7k
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‘I just wish you would have told me.’
You sighed for the twentieth time that night.
‘I wanted to tell you the truth, Yu,’ you paused to gather the right words. ‘But I also didn’t want you to hate him. I didn't want to lose him.' Because hating him would hurt you.
'Regardless of what he thinks of me, he does love you and your sister. You both meant something to him.'
You heard Yuna snort over the phone. 'I don't know what to believe, honestly. For all we know, he could have been looking at Helen and I, in the same way, and we just… didn’t notice.'
'No.’ You disputed her claims immediately. 'It was a different love for you and Helen. He enjoyed taking care of you two–you were family. He took a lot of it in stride. Periods, permission slips, even boyfriend phases. He was very proud of the both of you. And he loved being that so-called father figure as well.' You bit your bottom lip before continuing. 'It was just me, that he… you know…'
You sat in silence, waiting for her to speak as you traced the purple whale pattern on the pillow in front of you.
‘You can’t imagine how unbelievably mad I am at you’
You closed your eyes and dropped your head back onto the nook by the windowsill, the pre-dawn sky keeping you company by the window, and Namjoon in bed across from you, one arm curled under his head as he played with his phone in the other.
‘Considering the fact that it's barely after 5am, and we’re both on the phone…’
‘Don’t be a smartass with me right now.’ She scolded.
Honestly, you wanted to feel bad that her wedding night was ruined in all her concern for you, but it’s not like your evening was any better.
‘You being mad at me, is making me mad, Yuna.’ You had to be brutally honest with her and feed into your denial. ‘I did not have to tell you.’
‘And that’s fair, y/n. Your pain is your pain.’ She didn’t miss a beat. ‘I mean, I know that you would need to come to terms with it on your own… but,’ you almost smiled, as you imagine her eyes going into slits, ‘Can you honestly tell me that I was not the reason you kept this to yourself. All this time.’
You couldn’t deny what she was saying. Not at all. Feeling annoyingly cornered, you looked at Namjoon, admiring his solid edges, and the frown that kept his tongue poking the inside of his cheek.
Namjoon had taken care of you all night. He came through with the oreos and coffee, like he promised, but you had no strength to go into the kitchen so he brought them to the room and you both sat on the floor.
It was not hard to make conversation with Namjoon. You could talk about work, about his work, about the reality of life and your dreams of the future, but mostly you vented about your past, your Dad, Kwang and his actions.
And Namjoon listened.
When you were finally settled, he brushed out your hair, and climbed into bed next to you, holding you as close to him as possible.
You were exhausted enough to fall asleep in mere minutes, but it didn’t last long. You had a nightmare that woke you up and pushed you over the edge into a panic, Namjoon brought you back to reality. You wanted to shower again, this time he sat on the lid of the toilet and took you back to bed when you were done.
It was hard to get back to sleep, even harder to be present in the moment and feel the comfort that your husband's arms could usually provide.
So instead of tossing and turning you grabbed your Mono blanket and sat at the window nook. He stayed awake with you, not pushing or forcing you, just giving you space, but still making sure you knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
That’s when Kenta called.
Yuna wasn’t like you. She wore her emotions on her sleeve but she didn’t cry at the drop of a hat the way you did. She would rather fight, argue, use her anger as a shield before breaking down into hysterics. So when you heard her crying over the phone, Kenta apologizing for disturbing you so early in the morning, knowing she needed you, you instinctively placed her at the forefront of your priorities.
It took some time to get her to calm down, even utter a coherent sentence without the words ‘I’m sorry’ tagged at the end of it, but she was okay, and you felt better talking to her. You just weren’t a fan of the direction that conversation headed after. And you were tired, exhausted even – so being nice, being kind… you had no energy for any of it.
‘I won’t apologize, Yuna. I’d still rather you didn’t know.’ Honesty was the only choice when you were cornered as you were. You had made your choice to keep things under wraps a long time ago – you would make that same choice all over again if you had to. Protecting Yuna was a priority. ‘I’d rather you lived your life, happy, carefree, with at least some version of a family to turn to.’
‘Oh, that’s real cute, y/n.’ Sarcasm dripped from her tone. ‘A psychotic sister, and an uncle who’s a sexual offender, I hit the motherfucking jackpot.’
You weren’t irritated with the jibe, mostly because she sounded faraway. You were too tired to actually feel anything. You shook your head, trying to keep yourself present.
‘I didn’t want to take you away from your family.’ You brushed your fingers through your hair, gripping lightly in frustration. ‘I know you’ll always choose me. And I… I couldn't do that to you.’
‘Y/n, I wouldn’t choose you for the hell of it. I’d choose you because they were wrong. They are wrong. For different reasons.’
You made a face, not wanting to talk about this anymore. ‘Can we drop it? Please? I don’t like that you’re mad at me, but you have a right to be and that’s okay, but I need to deal with this on my own and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.’
Anxiety got the better of you as you were met with silence on her end. Did you push her too far away?
‘I’m sorry, y/n.’
‘Stop it.’ You made a face. ‘Stop hurting.’ You brushed her off. 'There's nothing for you to be sorry about. None of it was your fault.' You turned your neck to the side and stretched a little. Your body was aching for some godforsaken reason. Maybe it was the fatigue. 'You can’t control his actions and you of all people should know that.’
‘Can you blame me? Would you be able to rest easy knowing you aided and abetted something so despicable?’
‘You didn’t know.’
‘Yeah, whose fault is that?’
‘For fucks, sake Yuna, what good has it done?’ You didn’t bother to hold back your frustration. ‘So now that you know you, what good does it do? You literally disowned him, the only parental figure you had left.’
‘I am not like you, y/n! You may keep your ties with your father, albeit at a distance, but I can’t keep ties with someone when all I’ve ever known about them was a complete load of bullshit! I burn bridges and I don’t regret it.’
You pulled your lips together in an effort to keep your mouth shut. Because Yuna was right. You tolerated way more from your father than you should have.
‘Yes, I miss my parents. Yesterday, more than ever. But I know and love genuine people that I choose to consider my family. Kenta, Yoshi and Jinx, Taehyung, Hoseok… you, y/n. And I would never compromise on those relationships, especially not for something so wrong.’
You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.
You understood what she was saying, but you were not gonna budge. Internally you knew you would go back and make the same decision. To keep it from her. Because no one, absolutely no one deserves to know that they loved and cared, let alone respected, someone capable of sexual assault.
It was a mind boggling thing, that it was so ‘normal’ and there were so many stories of it, and so many women that had lived through it… but having it happen to you, or having actually known someone with those thoughts and the daring to follow through with them…
'I would have fully supported you if you decided that you wanted to file a formal report and put him behind bars. Hell, I’d go as far as throwing away the key without batting an eye! But now it’s pointless, because you let him go!’
You couldn't stay quiet this time. 'Back then maybe it would have given me something, even a sense of satisfaction! But not now. My father didn't do it when it mattered most, Yu. He didn't listen to me, he didn't file a report, and he didn't protect me. And I have lived my whole goddamn life just fine… whether Kwang was around or not.' You met Namjoon’s eye, his head tilted in your direction, watching over you and you let his strength fill you with pride. ' I did pretty damn well for myself. And I will be just fine for the rest of my life. Because I don't want to make this a big thing. I don't want the stress of paperwork and legal fees and reporters having a field day over my life. That's my choice. That's for me. And everyone who loves me… should be able to afford me that.'
You didn't know what she was going to say next, but you knew whatever it was you would have an answer for it, because you were so tired of explaining yourself, when you really didn't need to.
I can’t say I agree with that, y/n.’ Yuna admitted softly, causing your anger to quickly die down. ‘But I also don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say to you to make this right for you… I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,’ she clicked her tongue, ‘or what you’ve gone through.’
‘As long as you don’t start crying again, I think we’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah,’ her voice dropped like she turned away from the phone, ‘Kenta is standing by.’
You chuckled half-heartedly. ‘Give the man a break. ‘It’s only your first night of marriage and already Kenta had to call for back-up.’ You tried to tease her, but your efforts fell flat when she didn’t meet you halfway.
‘He’s worried about you too.’
‘I’m fi --,’ a dull waft of déjà vu overcame you. You used the same words on the same man the night before. You closed your eyes and pulled your knees up, to rest your chin against them. ‘I’ll be fine.’
It was actually so hard to keep reassuring her. There was never a need to save a conversation with Yuna before. To think of what to say, to try and change the subject or make a joke.
It felt forced, and you were not in the mood.
Actually, no. You wanted to tell her the truth, come clean about all the gory details and yell and scream and cry and just let it all bubble up so you wouldn’t have to mask your pain from her, or act in front of her, or hold your tongue like it was the seams of a corset that needed to be tied tight together.
But Kwang Jae was still her family. And she was still reeling from the discovery of the reality of him.
You couldn’t add to it. Not with her. You might never be able to talk about it with her, simply because of who she was to him… and to you.
‘When?’
The question had you blinking your eyes open. ‘Huh?’
‘When can we talk about it? No secrets. No filters. Everything.’
You inhaled shakily, as softly as you possibly could, because if you cried, she would hear it in your voice. It was stupid for such an honest question to rattle you, it was even more stupid for you to hold onto the pain, the secret, like it was only yours to keep, only yours to deal with. ‘I don’t know… if I ever can talk about it.’
‘I leave in three days, babe.’
You blew out a puff of air. ‘Maybe the distance will do us some good.’ You didn’t want to hurt her. But it’s not like she knew how to handle you either. You were a victim of her Uncle and though you had never considered her as such, she was still Kwang Jae’s niece.
‘I don’t want to leave like this. I don’t want us to have time apart and not talk and be awkward. We can’t have distance like this, y/n…this has happened to us before and I don’t want us to go through that again. Just the mere thought of it hurts already.’
Once again you were reminded of how selfish you were when you took over Arem, pushing Yuna so far away she had no choice but to live life without you for a while.
‘I can’t miss you, y/n… It hurts to miss you. Physically, I can deal… but emotionally…’
‘Of course you have to go.’ Your heart broke for her, but you had to be practical. ‘You were always going to go, Yu.’ You swiped away tears when they fell out of your eyes and you sniffed shortly. ‘We need some time to figure things out, that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore. You are definitely not going to lose me.’
You could practically feel her panic when she said, ‘I can change plans easily.’
Your face twisted in annoyance, something miserable. You knew she was pulling at straws. Namjoon caught your eye and you nodded softly, reassuring him. ‘Tell you what, I’m coming with you to set up and when we’re over there, I’ll answer whatever you want me to answer, within reason. But for now, for today when we finalize packing and whatever else we need to… be normal. For me. For now. Please.’
‘Kinda hard for me to be normal, when you leave pastel pink lingerie in my en-suite bathroom – the material is exquisite by the way.’
You swallowed hard in relief as she changed the subject. You wiped away stray tears before you answered. ‘Figured you’d want something pink.’ You looked at the clock, 5.30am. You rubbed your eyes.
‘You know, it still hasn’t hit me that I got married yesterday.’
‘Hmm,’ you smiled sadly. ‘Yuna Mei. A whole wife.’ You chuckled wetly. ‘I think it’s been a long time coming, Yu. You’ve done so much alone, been through so much pain with the wrong ones… we’ve always believed that the universe rewards accordingly.’
‘I really am lucky to have him.’ You could hear sadness in her voice.
‘What are you thinking?’ You prompted her, not willing to ignore any of her reservations, no matter what they were about.
‘I thought she would show up. At least, a small part of me hoped.’
You knew who she was talking about. You also knew how much strength it took her to admit to you of all people that she missed her sister immensely.
You would always rather Yuna tell you the truth, about all her feelings. She didn’t need to hold back on your behalf.
‘I’m sorry about Helen.’ You had the decency to be genuine about that statement. You would tolerate Helen any day for Yuna.
‘Yeah,’ she scoffed, ‘But I mean it was a long shot anyway. And let’s not forget that she wasn’t welcome.’ You heard the disappointment in her voice, but you couldn’t comfort her. Having Helen there would have been the cherry on the top. ‘God I can just imagine if she were there, what a fuck up it would have been. Yuna went silent for a minute then she snorted, ‘Fucking Neenah.’
‘What?’ Your eyebrows furrowed and you sat up, instantly alert. ‘What did you say?’
‘What?’ Yuna sounded confused. ‘Neenah?’
‘Yeah, who’s Neenah?’ You swung your legs over the nook, as Namjoon got out of the bed.
‘Neenah as in Helen.’ She offered as if it was common knowledge.
‘What do you mean Neenah as in Helen? Helen is Helen. Whose Neenah?’
‘Helen is Neenah! Y/n, why are you freaking out? What’s this about?’
Namjoon mouthed the word ‘speaker’ as he came down on his haunches next to you.
‘Because of the name Neenah, Yuna.’ You moved the phone away from your ear and tapped the speaker icon. ‘Since when is Helen, Neenah? She doesn’t have a second name.’
‘She doesn’t have a second name. It’s Neenah Jae. You know, as in Kwang Jae, so Neenah Jae. She practices under that name. Actually it’s her new name. Well, no, wait, it’s not actually new, because that’s the name she’s used ever since she started practicing law. Such a fucking waste of a gesture now that I know the truth.’
‘How have I not known this?’ You stared at the phone like it was a bug, not really understanding what she was droning on about. ‘And isn’t it illegal to have a different name.’
‘No. I mean there is this ethics thing that considers it ‘misleading’ if she uses two names.’ You could imagine her rolling her eyes at the word misleading. ‘But unless there’s improper motive or fraudulent activities tied to why she uses one name socially and another professionally, they can’t actually do anything to her. As for why you didn’t know, I mean it probably never came up. It’s not like we discuss her. She usually just leaves a bad taste behind.’
‘Why change it though?’ Namjoon mouthed to you and repeated the question. ‘Why did she change it?’
Yuna clicked her tongue. ‘Because she’s Unc -- Kwang’s favorite.’ You didn’t miss the way she caught herself. ‘No, but seriously, I never needed to change my name. Mum and Dad gave it to me and I kept their last name, because I like the link to them, even if it's a painful connection. But Helen took Kwang’s last name and somehow it worked out because we showed appreciation for our parents and for Uncle Kwang for taking care of us. It was supposed to be a grand gesture of sorts.’
‘Neenah though?’ you questioned where it even came from.
‘Oh yeah, that’s what Unc, Fuck!’ She cursed and continued, 'Kwang used to call her when we were little and ran around in diapers. I was Nana and she was Neenah.’
You looked back at Namjoon, unable to follow her down memory lane. He placed his hand on your knee and added pressure that somehow eased the motions of your building anxiety. He mouthed ‘Gambit’.
‘Did she work at Gambit?’
You understood what he was doing. Namjoon was being logical, he was tying up every single loose end, because he knew how important this piece of information was.
‘Yep. Straight out of law school she started as an intern and did her articles and stuff for a small start-up part of the original firm. But you know Heli, she climbed on people, not ladders. Eventually she made her way to the main office at Gambit – the best of the best.’
‘Yu,’ you contemplated saying your next words, but went ahead anyway, ‘how much did Kenta tell you about what Huru found out about Maiya?’
‘Not, a lot. I mean I know the surface level bullshit. You know, her tragic backstory, blaming someone else, the mastermind being someone else.’ Yuna sounded regretful. ‘I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t know how deep this went until recently. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.’
‘No, I understand. But like, Yu, this is… ‘ you looked at Namjoon for a little help and he was already so broody and angry and protective and this new piece of information was so unexpected, ‘I mean she’s Maiya’s lawyer Yuna.’
Yuna stayed silent on her end, so you continued.
‘When Huru met up with us at Arem, he had a bunch of information at his fingertips. One of them being that her lawyer was a Neenah Jae that worked in Gambit Associates.’
‘Fuck. Me. Do you think Heli –?’
‘No,’ you said too fast to shut down her theory, even if you knew how plausible it was. ‘She stopped taking Maiya’s cases for a while now. And when we visited Gambit, they said Neenah had left. She doesn’t work there anymore.’
‘You’re saying she left work? Why? She loved that job!’
You shot Namjoon a pained look. This was obviously a coincidence. One skirting a fine line.
‘I’m not sure.’ You pushed your hair back and held your head. ‘I’m sorry… for my reaction. I just, it’s just a little paranoia settling in. So Heli was Maiya’s lawyer and worked her brother’s cases pro bono. It’s work. And it’s a small world.’
‘Not that small,’ Namjoon muttered.
‘Wait, no, what if she’s involved?’
‘Come on, Heli is mean and rude and really really bitchy…’ you tried to comfort her, this would be too much of a blow for her, ‘but let’s not read too much into this. We have no proof. And honestly, right now, we don’t have to. Maiya is behind bars, and whoever else was a part of this has to find a new pawn before they get to us again.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘I am. Don’t let this bother you, Yuna. If Heli or Neenah’s reputation precedes her, she probably took a lot of cases pro bono, not just Maiya’s.’ You didn’t wait for her to reply, you needed to get off the phone, to talk with Namjoon, to make sense of things. ‘Now go, you gotta get back to Kenta. I’ll see you later.’
‘Wait, y/n, --,’
‘I’m fine, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘No, wait, do you have my necklace? Can you bring it over later?’
You scrunch your eyebrows. ‘Yeah, hold on.’
‘That’s why Kenta and I turned back last night. I know it’s stupid. And I know’ you’d keep it safe, but it’s something I have to have in my hand, you know.’ She babbled as she explained herself. And it wasn’t necessary. Because you did the same when you locked your doors. You’d walk all the way upstairs and back down again just to do a double check. Some things needed to be held, touched, seen in front of your eyes, a reassurance that it was real.
You motioned for Namjoon to reach over to grab your clutch from the floor near the bed. You flipped it open and felt around the small zipper compartment on the inside. ‘Yep, right here.’ You held it up… and did a double take.
‘Thank you so much for kee –,’
Yuna’s voice drowned out as you turned over the pendant in your palm.
Mum and Dad gave this to us when we were little. The clasp is loose, the memory of Yuna’s remarks from while she was getting ready before the ceremony echoed in your head.
Your mouth dropped open and your blood ran cold. You closed your eyes, and looked at it again.
‘Y/n?’ Yuna’s voice found its way to you.
‘Babe, I have it. I- um, I’ll see you later.’ You mumbled into the phone, ignoring Yuna’s protests before clicking the power button to end the call.
You tried to rationalize what you were seeing, you tried to justify any of the scenarios your brain scooped up, no matter how implausible. You couldn’t.
Before you knew it your legs were moving. It was like tunnel vision. Nothing mattered. Not your pain, or your exhaustion, or your trauma. Not Yuna, not even Namjoon. In that moment you were focused on one thing, and one thing only.
Throwing the door of your home office open, you raced in and searched through the floor plans on the desk and pushed aside any other item in your way until you found what you were looking for. A thin silver strand caught your eye. Breathing hard, you pull it up and compare the two pendants.
Silver circular backing, the etching of a compass, the North star, in diamantes. ‘Shit!’
You felt the heat of Namjoon’s body before he placed his hands on your waist. ‘Wanna tell me what’s going on?’
You held up your hand. Yuna’s necklace. ‘Yuna’s parents gave her this. They gave it to both daughters when they were really young. I kept this for her, because she wanted to use it today, but the clasp has always been a piece of work.’ You closed your eyes against the heavy truth. ‘That’s for damn sure.’
Namjoon was smart, but he couldn’t read minds – even you knew that. But you couldn’t explain, not when you were still figuring it out yourself.
To see y/n’s perfect little world crumble when she gets the guy, the company, both parents, money, fame, respect, and the sister… Let me grab a front row seat and popcorn.
Or really, it was always right there, in front of you and you just couldn’t bring yourself to accept it.
Your husband reached over to trace both necklaces. ‘Talk to me, baby. One belongs to Yuna… and the other?’
‘Hobi and I found it outside the bar.’ You licked your lip. ‘Around where the picture was taken.’
You didn’t need to look back at him. Namjoon didn’t need prompting. You could practically hear the gears in his head.
Until finally, he said the words out loud. ‘So this is definitely Helen’s?’
You nod slowly and concentrate on breathing deeply so your thoughts didn’t get too clouded.
‘Huru said that Maiya had a roommate with access to the legal department. Right?’
You loved this man. He could be so rational, even if the world was collapsing around him. In turn, that stability gave you something to stand on. ‘He said she’s got a record of someone staying with her, during her college years, into her working life.’
Hobi’s voice rang in your head. But she said it was her roommate, we all heard her.
Then Huru’s voice. Because the roommate that I couldn’t find, remember her y/n, that apparently took the pictures, well she’s got some connection with Gambit. I know this because I don’t have a single speck of information on her, other than the fact that they paid for her college tuition
You moved the rest of the papers off the desk onto the floor – you had to sit down. Because this was…this was fucked up. First the Uncle and now you were being fucked over by the twin.
You lifted your legs and placed your socked feet on the office chair and you clutched at the edge of the desk.
I can’t find her. It’s like she never existed.
Because Neenah didn’t exist. It was Helen’s past and Neenah’s future.
Okay. Okay. Think, y/n. Maiya. What was the point of Maiya?
Maiya has gotten Mihlan out of his sticky situations solely because she’s had a really good lawyer backing her up. Neenah Jae. Unfortunately she decided she didn’t really need to offer her services as pro bono any longer. She’s up for senior partner.
So Maiya needed Helen’s help… desperately. But Neenah wouldn’t give her the time of day… not unless Maiya would do something for her first.
Was it really that deep though? To fuck with her own self-respect.
Maiya's voice from the club rang out. …the minute he was given to me to hold, I knew I would always protect him.
That made sense. And when Maiya mentioned that she had lost her brother all over again, because of you, she really meant that it was Helen that wanted you to leave Namjoon and lose it all, and when you didn’t, Neenah wouldn’t help Maiya. No wonder she was so unhinged.
Slowly, like the trickle of honey, the heavy, honest truth filled in all the blindspots.
You dropped your head into your hands and ran your fingers through your hair and tugged… hard.
You closed your eyes and rocked back and forth.
—-------
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon said his wife’s name, in an effort to stabilize her.
She shook her head, a half-hearted attempt to keep him out. When she kept rocking her body forward and tugged harder at her hair, he knew he had to do something.
‘Y/n,’ he said firmly and shackled both her wrists. The rocking stopped.
‘What the fuck is this shit?’ She kept her eyes closed as she whispered the words. ‘Honestly, what the fuck!’ She raised her head and her voice. ‘I don’t deserve this Namjoon, we don’t deserve any of it!’
He invaded her personal space and took her into his arms.
What else could he do? What could he possibly say that could make up for any of the shit she had to deal with in such a short space of time. It was like Y/n was allowed the time to heal and grow and be happy, only for all of that progress to be derailed.
He knew it wasn’t fair. Y/n didn’t deserve any of the bullshit that had been thrown her way in the course of the last few weeks.
‘I’m not the cause of Helen’s problems, Namjoon!’ She placed her head against his abdomen and curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. He bent down and pressed a kiss into her hair.
‘This is all my fault, Joon. If she’s behind this, if she’s the one that’s doing all this, I –, ‘ she broke off, her mouth open, the shock still on her face as she shook her head, confused, still processing, ‘Fuck!’ She dropped her forehead against him.
Namjoon wasn’t used to feeling this helpless. All he could do was be there for her right now.
Backtracking everything, relooking at the files and connecting the dots… There was so much to retrace. Not to mention he had a packed schedule, Arem opened the following week, Kenta and Yuna were moving and all of it came second to the battle y/n had to fight within herself.
Crushing y/n closer to him. The anger that coursed through Namjoon was unyielding. It coursed through his veins, his bloodstream, until the tendons in his neck stood out and his body burned because he had nowhere to put it. He couldn’t make love to his wife, he couldn’t make her forget, he couldn’t find her with his hands and his mouth and his words as he usually would, not in her current state. He couldn’t leave her alone and vent to his brothers either.
The most important thing to Namjoon was reassuring Y/n that he would never leave her, not for anything, especially not for something that was not her fault to begin with.
She nudged him away and hopped off the desk without warning. ‘I have to call Kenta.’
He grabbed her by her arm. ‘Y/n, he literally got married yesterday and he’s really worried about you.’
Her eyes flashed fire. ‘You can’t tell me that Kenta of all people didn’t know about this bullshit.’ He loved her fire. He would always rather see her fight and argue and use her smartass mouth, he would take a bitchy y/n anyday, over a helpless one.
‘You can’t just demand answers from him. Imagine how he’d feel if you’re wrong about him knowing. If he does know, I believe he would have a good reason for keeping it from us.’ He brushed his knuckles across her cheek. Did he think that Kenta knew about Helen? Namjoon couldn’t know for sure. Was he equally pissed at the possibility of Kenta not knowing? Hell yes. But he wasn’t about to enable y/n. ‘Trust him, okay? You can ask him later when we see him.’
He watched as she mulled over his words, savored the moment when she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Good. Holding her back from doing anything rash would also save her from saying anything she didn’t mean.
Y/n would feel the effects twice over, if she hurt the people she loved, unintentional or not.
‘I don’t know what to do.’ It was a jagged statement. Something that made her look small and vulnerable.
Namjoon touched his nose to hers. ‘I think you can afford yourself a day to process everything, baby. You don’t have to always be so strong.’
‘I don’t feel anything.’ She protested, a stubborn curve on her lips.
‘Not knowing how you feel or how to feel, is not the same as not feeling anything at all.’
‘Stop it.’ He narrowed his eyes at her tone, immediately on guard. ‘Stop being so accommodating.’ Her voice rose an octave with each word. ‘Stop being so understanding, stop rationalizing, stop pushing, just stop loving me like this.’ She growled and placed a fist on his sternum to keep him at a distance from her. ‘Look at what we just found out. Really look at it! I’ve basically fucked your life over, your career. God knows what else she has planned. I am the reason you cheated on me.’
‘First of all,’ he placed his hands on her ass, refusing to let her distance herself. ‘You don’t know the specifics, y/n. You don’t know why Helen was actually there. You don’t know if it was her plan or a coincidence.’
Y/n scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be naive.’
‘You don’t have the right.’ He forced the statement through clenched teeth. ‘You don’t have the right to take responsibility. For any of it.’ He really, really wanted to bite her.
Y/n placed her forearms on his and glared, looking every bit a petulant, infuriating woman being told the truth they didn’t want to hear.
Namjoon looked at her pointedly, daring her to dispute. ‘Are you done with the generalizations? Want to make some more so I can shut them down?’
‘You sound like you’re pining for a fight, Namjoon.’
‘No, baby, you are.’ He squeezed her ass. ‘You have all this anger and all this pain and no place to put it and that’s why you’re snapping at me and you want to see if I will make good on your fears and walk away from you.’ He bent forward, stared into her eyes, and looked at her lips, but he didn’t kiss her. Not yet. Not this time. ‘I am not walking away. I am not folding. I am not giving you up. I don’t care who, what or why.’ He let her see how serious he was. ‘So if you want to fight, we’ll fight. You want me to ruin their lives and get rid of our problems permanently, I’ll do it. But it’s you and me, y/n.’ He whispered against her lips. ‘It’s always going to be you and me.’
Maybe it would seem like a long shot to keep fighting and clawing their way to each other, but it was the only thing that made sense to Namjoon. He would not let her push him away, not because of Kwang and definitely not for something like this.
He could see it as clear as day in her eyes, how terrified she was of losing him, of him getting hurt, and he wouldn’t let that fear win. Her bottom lip quivered, and she pushed hard enough that she got out of his hold and walked out of the study without another word.
Namjoon let her go. He watched her go, her bare feet, long legs walking away from him, his oversized t-shirt engulfing her small form... he was protective as a norm, but this feeling, the need to keep her safe, to protect her, to do anything for her fears and her pain to go away... it clawed at his heart. He didn’t like unfinished business. Not with y/n. But he also knew y/n needed space and whether she accepted it or not, her trust, her heart, her defenses were completely obliterated. He would have to hover and stay close and protect her, especially now that they had enemies so close.
He rubbed a hand over his face and stared at the two necklaces on the table. Sabotage and blackmail and guns… It seemed like something out of a movie. Helen Mei. Neenah Jae. Maiya Song.
Namjoon clicked his tongue and turned to look out the window of their study.
Kwang Jae was scum. Absolute scum. Fighting the urge to strangle Kwang with his bare hands, waiting out the red haze that coated his vision when he found the bastard lunging for her… He grit his teeth. Letting y/n make the final call was one of the hardest things he had to do.
And what y/n felt… how could he judge that? What he said was true. Her nerves were shot.
Emotionally, she had conditioned herself to trust Kwang, and sometimes the body wasn’t as good at playing catch up as the mind. And from what he’d heard from y/n, when she talked about it, Kwang was taking his time, savoring every second, using y/n’s body against her.
Y/n was still a little girl on the inside. That little girl was taught to love her parents and not raise her voice at them, not protest any of their decisions for her life, and Kwang was a guardian. A solid male with a strong foundation for always making y/n feel safe… No child would want to disappoint someone that they love, or ever make them unhappy.
It was a crisscross of blurred lines between Kwang’s actions, his intentions and what he'd groomed y/n to feel. He wanted her to be scared of him. He wanted her to feel guilty for saying no to what he wanted to do to her.
A glass paperweight was thrown across the room and shattered against the wall. Kwang wanted y/n to please him.
Namjoon breathed hard, feeling all too helpless, with so much rage and nowhere to put it.
He couldn’t imagine how betrayed y/n was feeling. And he felt bad for pushing her but he had to push. She’d already been minimizing it in her head, highlighting her own feelings instead of his actions.
Just didn’t rape me.
He did. As far as Namjoon was concerned Kwang had been abusing y/n since the day he realized he was sexually attracted to her. But y/n couldn’t see that.
Y/n was ashamed of herself, feeling guilt as if it was her fault, and what made it even worse was her perception of safety.
For a long time Kwang was a safety net. Realistically y/n didn’t walk into oncoming traffic like it was safe, that would be ridiculous, but she was physically forced and also not. He touched her not as an abuser but a lover. And y/n did the only thing she could do in a situation where the odds seemed insurmountable – she dissociated. Ice princess.
Namjoon sighed. Maybe it wasn’t fair to y/n at all to work on the theory he’d been spinning in his head, but the more thought he put into it, the more he knew he needed the story to be reiterated and confirmed. What really happened that day?
Did isolation and dissociation start with the trauma from her father, or did it start with Kwang? And if it started after the incident when she was younger, then how did she react before she defended herself, what did she feel then?
And if things had been different, her emotions, her response, did she alter the event in her mind or maybe she pushed it out of her mind completely. All night she seemed to be reliving the most recent one, instead of blocking it out, but only time would tell.
If he was being honest with himself, Namjoon would rather focus on y/n rather than himself, because he had his own guilt to level with. He would be a fool not to admit that it was disturbing to be faced with the realization that he was part of a plan, that his lapse in judgment was relied on, let alone included in some master plan to ruin his y/n’s life. He was ashamed that it had worked perfectly for Helen, up until y/n decided she wouldn’t leave him.
And he would never leave y/n.
Maybe another man would be fazed with y/n’s reaction, her inability to react as the situation called for it, but Namjoon knew his wife. He knew her better than she knew herself. And he felt y/n’s love… everywhere. He saw proof of it, in his life. His brothers, his band, overlooking his flaws and mistakes – she adored him and never shied away from showcasing it to the people that mattered.
Something inside him smiled dangerously as he remembered how he found Kwang clutching his jaw, blood dripping from his nose. Y/n may not have reacted in time for herself, but when she was clear headed he would remind her that she reacted when it mattered most. For all he knew, it was the same back then when he tried to touch her.
Yeah. The trauma would remain, but his y/n would make it out of this, and he would be right there with her.
And maybe making her relive her trauma so fast was a reckless decision, maybe he’d been harder than he needed to be, maybe incensing and arguing with her wasn’t the best idea and maybe he wasn’t taking this whole Helen, Neenah bullshit seriously enough yet… but one thing was for sure, no one could tell Kim Namjoon how to take care of his wife, absolutely no one knew Kim Y/n better than him, and he would dare anyone to contest that, because the only thing worse than feeling broken, was the one you loved most treating you as if you were.
Second of all: ngl there were some stray tears while I was reading this update but the SOB I let out when I read the oreos and coffee part.. absolutely adore it and them
I HAD to mark it mature. 😥 Both posts were abit ...much. Its annoying how they don't show up on reblogs, but it's a small price to pay for a little safety.
I love how it's their thing now 😭😭 like I want a thing, I mean i have a thing, we have our long lost braincell thing 🥺 but you know what I mean *stomps feet aggressively*
The vacation was okay, but I’m now stuck with a cold and feel like absolute crap and you know just stuck with that overall feeling of needing 3 or so business days to recover from vacay 💀 i’m honestly just living right now. I can’t necessarily say im okay if im being honest. The holidays are a rough time for me, it’s when my dad passed away so i still go through the same funk every year. Like joon said, life is not fun but it’s worth trying and living so that’s that 😭
Ah hell. The flu is the most irritating thing ever. I mean if I'm gonna get sick I'd rather get fully blown sick so I can stay in bed. But I suffer from chronic sinus which means everyone who knows me, knows I need tissues on hand at night and the early morning because it's a whole thing with my nose. So when I get the flu my nasal passage and my throat are forever the first two things fucking up my life but my legs and hands are working and I have to be an adult about it. So I have to do adult things while thinking back on how ungrateful I was that I could breath through both nostrils the previous week.
And also, sorry for making this about me, I hope you flu has flown away and you're feeling much better?
Ah, I'm sorry about the holidays being a sad time for you 😥. I can understand why it's a touchy time of year. But its okay to be in a funk. Sometimes we can't help it. Emotions need to be felt and you need to process however you need to to get through the holidays.
I knew it would be heavy, I knew it would be and I was prepared for the somewhat closure of the situation with Kwang but I was NOT PREPARED FOR YUNA. Which admittedly is pretty stupid of me cause how did I expect everything with Kwang to come to a head and Yuna not be part of it? Like, DUH! There’s just so much I want to unpack about this update and it’s times like these where I wish tumblr had a voice note option cause I just wanna word vomit my entire thought pattern without having to sit and sort them out properly but I’ll just talk about the two sections I screenshotted and then bombard you with voice notes on whatsapp 💀
Okay so this part lmao
Idk if you intended this to be some kind of comedic relief for the intensity that was happening or if I just find instigation hilarious but I did let out a hefty laugh 😭
And then this..
When I tell you I let a loud ass gasp out when I read “daughter” and then double backed to reread and make sure I read that correctly. It’s like on one hand, thank you for jumping in to protect your daughter but on the other, where were you when she really needed you?
I also have a question regarding Yuna and Kenta but I’ll ask you later.
Alrighty I’m off to scream at you in voice notes! Love you, you’re doing great! ❤️
To tell you the mfkn honest truth, I was not ready for Yuna either. Like I was stuck on the update, literally stuck because why is it lacking that oomf and lo and behold, Yuna was that oomf
It would be pretty dandy to have a vn option in here ngl, especially when I get wrapped up in au talk because anyone whose ever had convos about them with me (you being one of them), know I can transcribe essays about them
Receipt 1 - 👀 it was actually in the moment and even tho its comedic I feel like Hoseok was just getting into his anger and so I left it. Because man's is MAD. WE KNOW THIS. But he's still giving Namjoon his right of being yn's husband and I feel like Hobi was very flustered and angry and I also really didn't want to take it out 😂
Receipt 2 - I definitely wanted to give Sung a chance here, alas it was not enough. Even I wouldn't forgive him. Sometimes it's too little too late. 🥲
P.S Yelling with you in voice notes for the better portion of my Monday was thee best time ever 🤭
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Borderline Assault(Sexual); Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Explicit Sexual Implications; Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Panic; Dissociation; Self-deprecation; Angry/ Protective Namjoon;
Additional Warnings - Graphic Depiction of Sexual Assault; Rage; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 4.7k
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A/N - After every trauma, there's always the aftermath and in this au we are somewhat veterans of the 'after'.
It's quite concerning how much research it takes to depict something as real as this, even if some of the aspects are pulled from a past experience. It just goes to show how much of an impact something like this could have on someone.
Needless to say, our oc definitely deserves a bunch of happiness... but then... some of the best people, aren't meant to be happy.
We're almost to the end of this era of the Nerve Universe. I will be posting [E] and the Epilogue together, tomorrow.
xx Dee
Please note the following chapter contains a complete representation of OC’s current psyche and her mental state. PLEASE!! Proceed with caution as this whole update is a MAJOR trigger warning.
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It didn’t take much else for Namjoon to get you to listen to him. On your best of days, you could be stubborn and on your worst you could be illogical, but neither of those traits could cloud over the fact that Namjoon was solid ground. Namjoon was the Earth and the rain and hope and every sign of life you could truly respond to.
At that moment, nothing made sense, you felt so many emotions, and some part of you was still thinking ‘What the fuck? Did that just happen’.
It did. And tears leaked from your eyes each time you answered the question. Because it did. But really, were you overreacting a little? Maybe you were just exposed for who you truly were–a weak, oversensitive little girl. A fraudster that truly didn't deserve a voice. Not when you couldn't defend yourself.
It should just be another trauma to add to the list.
You didn’t return to the hall. You didn’t see Yuna or Ria or anyone else for that matter.
Yeon and Xan said nothing the whole way home. You sat with Namjoon at the back of the car, his fingers playing absently with a loose thread on your gloves. You couldn’t use your winter coat, and you couldn’t hold Namjoon’s hand because it felt… weird. Your skin was oversensitive.
None of the guys followed this time. It was you, your husband and your biggest fear of him losing any love for you.
When you got home, you stepped out with as much of your self-respect you could muster, and bid the two remaining members of your team farewell.
Then Namjoon took over your footsteps – all but dragging you behind him, through your house to your bedroom.
Before you knew it, you were standing in the middle of the master bathroom, holding your midsection as he crossed his arms and stared at you. You hated the physical distance. Ofcourse, you both knew you needed it, to think clearly, to breathe, but it still hurt.
You pulled your lips together, but tears stung your eyes anyway as you tried to close your head against the memories of the night.
‘Where?’
You internally shook off the question and blinked rapidly as you looked at the floor. ‘Can I just shower? Please?’
‘Y/n,’ he softly reprimanded when you didn’t move an inch.
‘Namjoon, please --,’
‘No. You’ll face it here, and now. With me. No more running. No giving it life.’ He made to rush at you, then stopped, his hand frozen in midair, giving himself a second, giving his actions a second thought. ‘You can’t be silent,’ his nostrils flared and he closed his hand into a fist before he dropped it. ‘I refuse to let it suffocate us, while a war happens inside you.’
Your eyes darted back and forth on the tiles. You felt trapped, like a cornered animal.
You knew Namjoon meant no harm; he was doing only what he knew. You calmed down when he smothered you, in hugs, affection, touching, kissing, his hands around your neck, your body under him… You found clarity in communication, in talking your feelings out, in making it real.
And making sure absolutely nothing got between you after the struggle your marriage had just gone through was Namjoon's priority.
And you understood. You really did. But…
Right now those tactics weren't working. It wasn’t working because he wanted you to talk about it, and you didn’t want to talk about it just yet. But if you didn’t, it would fester. That’s how it worked with you. Ripping the band aid off worked way better than coaxing and prodding would. Because you were the best at putting your pain in a chokehold, ignoring the fact that your lips were turning blue from the suffocation. But you still didn’t want to talk about it! You didn’t want to explain anything, for fear of Namjoon’s reaction.
How could you tell him? How could you tell him about Kwang, and his words and his actions and what he'd tried to do? How could you even begin to explain how horrifying it was to freeze in a moment where you needed yourself most?
And if you told him the truth, then what?
What if he didn't believe you? What if he thought you wanted it? Asked for it? What if he actually thought you were disgusting? What if he didn’t want you anymore? What if he thought that you were dirt—
‘Y/n!’ Namjoon’s voice exploded into your face, his hands on your upper arms.
You felt your eyes go wide and your body shook, but you couldn’t yell back. You opened your mouth, but no sound came out, save for a soft whimpering. You couldn’t breathe.
You looked at Namjoon and his lips were moving and words came out of his mouth, but you couldn’t hear him. You couldn’t breathe. You choked on nothing as you tried to consciously inhale and exhale but you couldn’t breathe!
You were moving. The floor fell away and you felt yourself falling and you couldn't stop it and you couldn't control it and you had nothing to hold onto and, and –
Frigid cold chased the heat off your spine out of nowhere and you finally took a sharp breath in.
‘Breathe, Y/n.’ You heard Namjoon’s voice from faraway. ‘Breathe for me.’
You felt his arms, a vice-like grip on your own forearms.
You inhaled and exhaled sharply, the blurry details coming into focus.
You were in the shower and your clothes were drenched, your boots and your pretty dress – the outfit that Taehyung had poured his soul into was ruined. He wouldn’t mind. But you did.
‘Y/n?’ Namjoon asked tentatively, as he kneeled in front of you, his own suit waterlogged. You searched his face. The tremble in his lips, the wetness at the edge of his eye, his wide eyes as his hands moved to close over your palm as he tried not to crowd you… nothing but fear for you etched in his features.
‘I’m okay.’ You nodded to assure him as you took deep shaky breaths. ‘I’m okay.’ You repeated the words, more for yourself.
The thoughts and fears all felt like a freight train ready to run you over, but you closed your eyes and pushed them away, focusing on the feel of Namjoon’s strong hands and the coldness of the water cascading over you.
Namjoon watched you until you returned to a somewhat normal state. Then and only then did he slowly grip your calf and pull it towards him. He watched you as he toyed with the zipper, silently asking permission.
You nodded your ascent.
When your boots and dress were in an unseemly pile on the floor outside the shower, he sat back on his heels.
His voice when he did speak again, broke your heart even more. ‘Tell me what to do.’
‘Don’t--,’ you said sharply. You almost screamed at the statement, because you were not a broken doll, and your marriage was not so weak that he had to ask such things. ‘Don’t, talk to me like that. Please. I’m not some victim that needs to be approached cautiously – especially not when it comes to you.’
‘Well, being forceful, gave you a panic attack.’
You almost smiled. Namjoon the ever-logical.
‘Being gentle makes you swipe, anyway.’ He continued. ‘So, you tell me what to do.’
‘What if I tell you to leave?’
It was an unnecessary challenge, but some petty part of you wanted to hear it out loud.
‘I will never leave you, y/n.’ He tentatively traced the back of his middle finger across your cheek. ’Especially not when you need me the most. I can’t.’ His last words were almost strangled out of him, like being there for you was his only option. The same two words you decreed to him on the dancefloor.
You let his statement sit, the meaning, the intention behind them aggressive in its clarity
He knew what you were doing though. It was similar to putting feelers out, testing a situation before charging forward.
A blinding need overtook you and you braved your way to your question, even if you didn't deserve it. ‘Can you hold me?‘ You didn’t look at him as you asked. ‘No clothes… no barriers between us.’ You were afraid that he might see through your request, he would realize how terrified you were that it would be the last time he ever held you like that. Because he would want the truth. Namjoon wouldn’t let the issue go – and you would not lie to him.
He wasted no time in stripping down. He helped you up, offering an open palm so you took it with consent, and he hauled you up against him, the side of your head immediately dropping to his shoulder.
It felt… good.
‘Is this, okay?’ He whispered in your wet hair, one hand on your waist, the other flat on your back.
You nodded, reveling the feel of his every solid muscle against the curves of your body. You fit. You and Namjoon, your bodies, they always fit.
He’d turned up the water temperature before picking you up, and the chill slowly made space for the heat, of the steam and of your husband.
There were so many reasons, mistakes aside. So many of them. To respect Namjoon. To choose Namjoon. To love him.
As he held you in his arms and brushed his hands up and down your hair, and left featherlight touches to your skin… he reminded you how much you meant to him, without even saying the words.
You felt it then, how tired you were, how heavily the world had weighed you down. You weren’t anything in that moment. Neither a wife, a CEO, a daughter, a sister, a mentor, a Noona, a friend, you were Y/n. It wasn’t about tears, or about letting go or falling apart… it was about being your most vulnerable, with the one person you trusted in the world to protect you.
Maybe that’s why his cheating cut as deeply as it did. Because he had been given free access to these parts of you, that you battled to even acknowledge within yourself.
But even you could admit, he had more than made up for it.
‘Namjoon,’ you spoke against his shoulder.
‘Hmm?’
‘Can you help wash it off?’ It wouldn’t tear the feel of Kwang's fingers away, or the touch of his hands, or even erase the memory of his scent, but anything external you could manage, you would try.
At least this wasn’t like the last time. You were alone, then. You didn't have anyone to defend you or to take care of you.
You remember scrubbing your skin raw, bawling your eyes out, wishing it was all just a nightmare you could wake up from.
Only it wasn’t a nightmare, it was reality, it became history… and it was apparently very capable of repeating itself.
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Namjoon didn’t need telling twice. He took the lead with the soap and loofah, gentle hands, and a loving touch. It didn't do much, but if anything you did feel a lot lighter.
You thought the worst was over.
But when he was toweling you off, and helping you wear one of his shirts, you realized how wrong you were.
He moved away from you, and folded his arms, much like he did before.
A resting stance that had you tilting your head in question.
The hardness was back in his eyes. ‘I’m giving you space.’ He swallowed thickly, ’because we’re not done here.’
Your teeth clenched and you backed up against the wall on your side, placing your palms flat and leaning against them to keep yourself upright.
‘Will you tell me?’
You looked down. ‘Tell you what?’ Your throat felt raw as you croaked the words.
‘Will you tell me where he dared to touch you.’
You chuckled mirthlessly, a defensive response. ‘So eager to get rid of me?’
‘Don’t fuck with me, baby.’ He warned softly.
You flinched when his voice cut across you, your hands coming up to wrap around you, to protect yourself… His tone was too gentle, despite how much anger you knew was coursing through him.
‘I don’t know how.'
'Try.'
You shivered involuntarily. 'I-I can’t -- ,’ the nails on your right hand dug into your left shoulder as you tried to stabilize yourself. ‘Please, I don’t --,’
He came to stand in front of you. ‘Look at me.’ You shook your head and kept it down. His fists clenched at his side as he spoke. ‘Did he kiss you?’
‘NO!’ You answered too loudly, almost alarmed, ‘n-no, he didn’t.’
His hand moved to cup your neck. ‘Here?’
‘No.’
His fingers trailed down your dress. You tensed when he ghosted the side of your breast, but he didn’t stop there, he just moved the rest of the way to stop on your waist. ‘What did he do?’
You squirmed, wishing to get out of this somehow. ‘The usual, t-tried to f-fondle my, my uhm…’ you winced and lifted your left hand slightly, still feeling his fingers against your skin. You grit your teeth against the feeling and covered your breast with your hand, squeezing lightly, tracing the line on your skin, above your breastbone, reminding yourself that it was your hands, not his.
‘He tried. Be-between m-my legs…’ You managed to choke out. 'He was going to, t-,' You closed your eyes and sniffled, wishing you were stronger, wishing this wasn’t so pitiful. ‘He j-just… just didn’t rape me.’ The last two words came out as a whisper.
You shut your eyes tight, then found the courage to look up at your husband.
Namjoon frowned when he noted how aggressively your nails dug into your arm. Instead of prying them off, something small and subtle and absolutely fucking illogical that would turn this whole exchange upside down, he decided to change tactics.
'What if I hold you, again?’
Your head snapped up at the question. ‘Will it make it easier for you to tell me then?'
It was… unexpected.
He'd been touching you this whole time, your fingers, your neck, you'd even kissed albeit in the heat of a moment. He gave you a bath for crying out loud! But still…
Namjoon was your husband – he had a right. He had every right.
Instead of questioning it, feeding into the confusion, or even trying to make sense of what he was trying to do, you asked the one question you were afraid to get an answer to. 'Do you want to?'
Tears clogged your throat and welled in your eyes. Again.
A pained noise escaped Namjoon's chest before he pulled you into his arms.
You shook against him, his big strong arms wrapped around you, his hold so tight, as if he could put all your broken pieces back together again.
'I'm so sorry, I wasn't there for you today.' He sniffled as you shook your head against the apology. 'I'm so sorry, baby.'
You squeezed your eyes shut as you sobbed openly for the nth time that night, clutching at his shirt like it was a lifeline.
Again you wondered… why you?
Why did the very idea of normalcy evade you at every turn?
Childhood trauma was a given. So fuck that. But then again… men forcing themselves on women… that was some sort of normal too.
It was heard of at every turn.
Catcalling, whistling and derogatory terms. If she wore too little she asked for it. If she wore too much she was a prude.
Rape, sexual harassment at the office, trading blowjobs for good grades with the right professors, sexual abuse on the street…
Every woman you knew, every single one would have gone through some sort of sexual encounter with a male or at least, felt unsafe with them.
Here, with you, Kwang Jae and Kim Y/n, it was a cute cat and mouse game, years in the making.
Maybe it wasn't black and white, and the universe added a bit of glitter to make the trauma sparkle a little with the trauma bond… but you experienced what most women would in their lifetime.
And they survived. They lived. Some spoke out. Some owned their truth. Even if you couldn't be vocal about it. If anything, you could get past it. You could do that… couldn't you?
When you quietened down he brushed his lips against your forehead. ‘What’s really going on?’
‘Joon just…’ you inhaled sharply.
‘I already know how strong you are. You just proved it, by reliving a fucking nightmare, by putting the rest of us first, and I know how big hearted you are – especially by letting the fucker walk.' He inhaled sharply, his only indication that he was very disappointed in your decision. 'I know you will get through this, y/n. But you’re hurting, baby, I can feel it… and it’s breaking my heart.’
A whine left your throat and tears stung your eyes again. ‘-m confused…’
‘You’re allowed to feel anything and everything you need to, to process this y/n.’
No! ‘You don’t get it,’ you tasted salt on your lips, your time was up. ‘Joon… listen, y-you need to know…’
He hummed and rocked you from side to side lightly. ‘Do you want me to back off?’ The masculine heat that radiated off his body, it curled around you like a blanket. Your trembling lessened slightly -- enough for you to get words out.
‘No, please,’ You let go of his shirt, and pushed him away to put some distance between you anyway, 'it was different, this time. And you have to know, you have to know.’
His brows pulled together, but he didn’t let you get far, his hands stayed on your elbows. Your ears felt hot, and your cheeks were aflame from embarrassment and you really didn’t want to say this, but even if you kept it inside things wouldn’t be the same.
‘H-he… tried to t-touch me, and, on my body, a– an – and my skin, and... I felt, I --,’ a strangled whine clawed out of your throat, ‘I felt his hands and they were warm and patient and… I felt him touching me and it won’t go away!’
The humiliation, of his touch being so delicate, of you not having the proper reaction in time, of you not pushing him away, of your body not reacting in the proper way in time!
‘I didn’t fight, I didn’t slap him or hurt him or push him, I tried at first, to knee him, but he deflected and, and -,I froze… and I closed my eyes closed, l-like, I could ignore it, or, or make it go away. It didn’t fully happen, he never got there, but I, I’m, I-,’ You flailed your arms, working yourself into a panic. ‘But h-he was touching me and I didn’t move! He was tracing lines, on my skin,’you curled inward and submerged fully into the nightmare, ‘and playing with me and,’ you inhaled shakily, ‘he threatened to use his fingers, me, to get me to be quiet, but he almost did it anyway and I had to listen and it almost happened and I didn’t fight him off! I, -I, don’t, I --,’
You were silenced again with Namjoon’s lips. For the nth time that day probably. They were soft as they moved against yours, this kiss tender and slow, serving as a reminder that he was there. You tasted a hint of frustration, but he didn’t let it through.
You stopped the kiss first, pushed his arms off and hid your face. ‘He bit me.’ You whispered as your fingers found the spot of its own accord. ‘It’s okay if you’re repulsed,’ You muttered in a dejected tone. ‘I am.’
You yelped when Namjoon pushed you against the wall without warning, and his hand curled around the front of your throat. He pulled you in for another kiss, a slow, deep, darkly possessive kiss, that was also a silent scolding with his teeth when he bit your bottom lip.
‘Mmmh,’ you turned your head away from him. ‘Namjoon, you’re not listening!’ He still didn’t let you go. Instead he leaned forward and bit the exact same spot. You winced at the sting, but you didn’t stop him. Namjoon had always been a darkly possessive male. Huru. Kwang. Namjoon more than needed the reminder for himself, and for you, that you belonged only to him.
Your throat felt tight when he pulled back and you saw the smoldering rage in his dark gaze. What he did say, when he spoke again, succeeded in ripping away every single defense you could ever attempt to hold against him.
‘Nerve endings in the body can react as if everything is normal, y/n.’ He breathed the words of logic, of comfort, words of calm, the complete opposite of his actions. ‘Mentally, you can know it's wrong and not want something, and wish for it to not take place… but the body reacts, because it’s physical… Y/n that will never be your fault.’ The pressure in his fingers increased slightly, pushing you to focus, to listen to him. ‘This whole thing is not your fault.’
You did not… fucking deserve this man.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ You wrapped your hands around his wrist still at your throat and yelled at him, as tears welled up and threatened to trail down your face. ‘You should hate me. You should be disgusted. I don’t have any self-respect! I didn't fight until the last moment! You almost lost me today, and I didn't fight back to avoid it!'
Ashamed. You were so ashamed. Something inside you felt… broken. How could you turn on yourself like that? How could your own body betray you? How could he not see that he could do so much better than you?
‘Y/n,’ Namjoon coaxed. ‘You broke his nose. He was away from you when I got in. I know what you’re saying baby, but I know what I saw. You did fight.’
'But I almost didn’t! I was stuck and I couldn’t move and I kept wishing for it to be over.' You closed your eyes and screamed the honest truth. ‘If he didn’t compare himself to you… I don't know if I would have gotten angry enough to defend myself.’
‘I shut down, Namjoon,’ you clutched at his hand and sobbed. When your knees bent he closed into your space, his other hand holding you at your waist. You had no strength to keep yourself upright at the weight of the knowledge. ‘I just fucking shut… down; I did nothing!’
He hauled you into his arms, then. Needing it, needing him, you leaned into him, burrowing deeper into his chest as you sobbed. ‘How can you trust me if I can’t even trust myself?’
‘Shh,’ Namjoon’s hand circled your waist and held you against him, the other curled around your nape and squeezed. ‘I know none of my words will get through to you right now, so I just need you to know that I love you, y/n. I love you.’
You reveled in the proprietary hold and his words. You went from avoidance, to not wanting to pull away from him, you didn’t want to leave his arms. If you did, you were terrified of what you would see. Your brain answered that for you. Disgusted. He should feel so disgusted. You heard his words, you did. And they made sense and you knew in your heart that he loved you, but the possibility of him changing his mind… you were so scared of losing him. ‘I’m so sorry.’ You hiccuped dryly, your body all out of tears.
‘You have nothing to apologize for.’ You felt his jaw tick. ‘I’m the one that should be sorry.’
It was selfish to be angry at him, or any of them. You shouldn’t be in need of any saving. It was your responsibilities and your burdens and your pain. No one should have to deal with your shit. Not even your husband.
A flash of Kwang’s face in front of yours… you shuddered and tightened your hold on the front of his shirt.
You were so angry… so angry at yourself.
‘He’ll never come near you again, y/n, I swear it.’ Namjoon’s voice cuts through your thoughts. ‘Neither will your father. They’re responsible for your freeze response, not you.’
You blinked against the implication that this was a purely post traumatic response. You didn’t want to entertain it just yet, you didn’t want an out. But you didn’t say anything because of Namjoon.
Something volatile and violent was being suppressed in your husband – you could feel it. The gentle hands and kind words were for your benefit, but you knew in your heart, this night and the anger he felt on your behalf, was going to have lasting consequences.
‘You were a victim, y/n. And now you’re a survivor.' You hated the word, even if it was true. 'But you still have your respect, and you’re still strong and you are incredible, baby, so incredibly strong. Please know that. Please, please know that,’ he whispered in your hair.
You felt… something. You didn’t agree with him right now, but his words made you feel something. And something was better than nothing.
In all honesty, facing head on should have felt worse than it did, saying it should be hard, admitting to what had happened should have some sort of double back because you weren’t even sure any part of you had processed the trauma mentally… even if you were just giving yourself props, maybe you really were resilient. Because you could act normal and talk normal and be normal and there was no doubt in your mind that the night would go and the morning would come and you would meet who you needed to meet, pack with Yuna, if she was even speaking to you, greet and reassure the band...
You swallowed against the bile that surfaced when you rubbed your legs together… you didn’t know how you were going to handle this, because you were your own worst enemy at this moment.
If you were being realistic, Kwang’s presence or what he could do, didn’t matter anymore. There was no fear of him. All of those feelings were absolutely miniscule if you compared it to the betrayal in your heart. And it was funny how the negative emotion of fear canceled out the leaden duplicity, the complete disdain you felt for yourself. The lack of confidence, the insecurities and doubts, all of it was nothing compared to the shame, the knots in your stomach, the feeling of letting yourself down as it lingered in every bone in your body, like a weight you would have to carry for the rest of your life.
You should have never told Namjoon… any of the specifics… but he was the only one you could have admitted it to. Some part of you was terrified that he could still push you away, and another part was solid in knowing he would never judge you…
Unwillingly, you turned your head and found yourself looking out of the window panels, the moon round, and it was one of those moments where you see something you like, and think ‘yes’. The downpour of the rain as it hits the roof, the light in a loved one’s smile, the trickle of laughter through your soul… and Namjoon, holding you in his arms, always doing everything in his power to hold all your shattered pieces together.
Yeah, love wouldn’t save you. No way. Not with life being this fucked up.
Namjoon moved a hand to your head and held you closer to him. And you could cry, you could scream and cry, because it was the safest you had felt all night.
‘We’ll get through this, y/n. Together.’
Together.
Just like everything else, just like the fights and the cheating and the unknown, unseen enemies you now knew you had to contend with. Guess you would need that therapy after all. Fun.
‘Hey?’ He whispered after a while.
You lifted your head from his shoulder and looked at him. He cupped your face in his hands. ‘Want some oreos?’
Despite the fucked-up-ness of the situation, the question made you smile – a genuine smile. ‘Only if we have them with coffee.’
I can’t believe we’re so close to the end!!!! Im so glad mc let namjoon hold her through this and opened up to him - I’m glad they’re regrowing together and ugh I just wish I could give mc a million hugs because she’s been through hell and back 😭😭😭
bring on the last chapter 🥺
p.s. I almost cried at how she acknowledged he’s more than made up for his cheating 😭
He definitely has done his best in making up for his mistakes. I feel like yn knows that she's made peace with it because she's finding it easy to let joon be her husband and she feels now more than ever that she can't lose him.
I love where you say they're regrowing together because they truly are, they're handling it together with more communication even if it's in arguments and they're doing their best to fight.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Borderline Assault(Sexual); Attempted Assault(Sexual); Explicit Sexual Implications; Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Panic; Dissociation; Self-deprecation; Blood and Violence; Angry/ Protective Namjoon; A very very angry band;
Word Count - 11.3k
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Additional Warnings - Graphic Depiction of Sexual Assault; Intent of Sexual Abuse; Rage; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate; Violence! Blood; Injury; Verbal Humiliation; Narcissistic Behaviour; Mentions of Grooming; (Implied) Unhealthy Obsession); Explicit Language;
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A/N - This is it. The following update may have potential triggers for psychological trauma not only on the OC but on the reader. It was hard to write. It was hard to read. It was hard to finalize. Please understand that the following chapter contains a complete representation of OC's current psyche and mental state as she goes through the intended events. PLEASE!! Proceed with caution as this whole update is a MAJOR trigger warning.
The following update contains scenes of a graphic sexual intent. To bypass the scene scroll through the first portion and read AFTER the '###' in red.
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‘I said. I Was. Not. Done.’
‘Oh God, no.’ Your voice sounded brittle, even to your own ears. Please, no! ‘Get out!’
Kwang calmly leaned against the door. The only exit, the only way out considering all the windows around you would barely fit a big dog, let alone a person through. He regarded you silently, making no move to do anything you’d asked, or anything you wished.
‘Don’t you think I’ve noticed the dirty looks, y/n? The hostile personalities from idols that are a staple for being polite, for being civil. The minimal words from your head of security, that mind you, answered only to me once upon a time.’ He stalked you, with each added sentence, speaking softly… smoothly. The tone grating against your nerves. ‘Haven’t you learned enough from trying to tell your father?’ His pity filled gaze made you feel small until he gave it up and shook his head.
His easy going stance fell away and his hard stare made you tremble a little. ‘It’s not their business, y/n and it’s not such a big deal.’ Hard features immediately softening, coaxing… confining. ‘Let’s face it, princess,’ he narrowed his gaze and you stepped back as he got closer, ‘did you not think, maybe for one minute, that you deserved it?’
You shook your head. But even you couldn’t deny that you had had your doubts. Because you did think that. You spent days, nights, going back in time, agonizing over how you carried yourself, how you portray yourself, if you had ever, even once, given any indication that would motivate his actions. You always came up short. Because in your head, you never had any sexual intention. Nothing you said or did with regards to Kwang, was even remotely sexual.
‘I didn’t,’ you breathed out and shook your head. You flinched as your back hit the wall.
There was something wrong with you… you used to think so. Because why would your own father not believe you. You internalized it all, every bad thing, every mistake… was a failing on your part, by association, a failure for your Sung Y/l/n. By being a failure, maybe it didn’t make sense, but maybe you deserved what happened to you.
Why were you the wrong one, the bad one, the attention seeker… As some of your co-workers pointed out, ‘the hard-up bitch in heat’. Yeah, you’d heard the rumors, you dealt with the judgemental looks and harsh whispers. You were the best intern, and you moved up the ranks by both nepotism and knowing how to do your job – neither of which was well received by colleagues.
In the end it was your fault that Sung didn’t believe you or at least, didn’t do anything about it.
Before everything had happened, Kwang Jae was a constant in your life. He was always the first person you’d confide in. He was the project leader, that delegated, that stayed late to show you the reins that guided you through the legalities and the PR, and the providing knowledge on office politics that kept you informed.
He was your shoulder to cry on, he was the one to offer a random cup of coffee in the morning and lunch on a bad day. He was the one with the great advice and the life experiences and it was always Kwang’s office and Kwang’s house, and Kwang’s “safe” hugs.
The rebellious side of you that was so proud of throwing Kwang Jae in your parents faces was given one the biggest karmic reality checks. In Sung’s head, how could you complain about the same man?
Of course, you had just brought it on yourself.
But it was also true, that you had never once strayed in that direction.
You acted out of pure love, expecting to have it received in the same manner. Not this.
‘I didn’t deserve it!’ You denied, your hurt pride playing a big part of the statement.
Kwang gave you a pitiful look. ‘Aw, princess.’ He placed his hands on either side of your head as you cowered away. Your skin crawled at his closeness. The atmosphere was heavy and awkward and your breathing got more shallow as he leaned in further, effectively popping your personal bubble. You turned your head, shaking violently against the possibilities of what he could do and wishing for the life of you, you could defend yourself. ‘You don’t really believe that, do you?’ His words ghosted over you. ‘Think about it. All those late nights working, and early morning texts, all the memories we have together…’ His gaze dropped to your lips. ‘How else did you expect me to respond?’
‘Not like that!’ You found the energy to spit the words at him. This was so hard. Addressing it, making it real. ‘I never asked for that.’ You closed your eyes and vehemently denied his manipulation.
You knew yourself. You never thought of him that way.
He hummed. He was calm. Too calm for your liking. ‘I’ve missed you.’ Me too. But the old you. The good you. ‘I’ve missed our talks and our phone calls.’
The good days. Pathetic. You were pathetic! Because some part of you longed for those days back. Some part of you still hoped he would remember that there really were good days and some amazing memories, as a daughter, as a mentee, as a friend. Some part of you wanted him to be better, to stand before you and apologize. Some part of you still fucking cared about him.
And you hated how dirty you felt to even validate those feelings, because in your mind and maybe in general, it invalidated what he did to you. You made it okay. But it was not. It was far from okay. You hated feeling like you were used this whole time – like none of it was real. You hated that you had to deal with the pain, the betrayal, the loss of a father figure all over again.
Above all you longed for this all to be over and act like it never happened just so you didn’t have to suffer through the memory of it. You wished he would look at his actions, his behavior toward you, and think and fucking realize that what he did was wrong.
‘Would it be so hard,’ his one hand lifted a strand of your hair and ran it through his fingers. You wanted to turn away from the sight when he bent his head to sniff it, but you willed yourself to meet his gaze when he was done, ‘to think of me in that way.’ His eyes roved over your face, gauging for a reaction, the intention in them making you want to cower in fear. 'You want me, you just don't know it yet.'
You shook your head as he tucked your hair behind your earlobe and the knuckle of his middle finger brushed against the underside of your ear. You shut your eyes and forcefully opened them again – you wanted to keep your eyes open. You had to see. ‘Years, y/n.’ The backs of his fingers traced over your cheek. ‘Years we spent together. The things I have wanted to do to you. And your pretty breasts.’ He leaned in. ‘And your lips… ‘A satisfied rumble rolled out of him. ‘Years of imagining how you would taste --,’
‘No! Oh god, no. Please, stop.’ Your voice shook as you turned away in revulsion. You wanted to drop to your knees and hide in a ball. The very thought of it, combined with the wetness between your legs from your earlier antics had you feeling sick to your stomach. Namjoon. Internally you begged for your husband, because this was one demon, you couldn’t fight alone. Namjoon, please.
‘I could take care of you, y/n.’ His sincere words made you cringe, unwilling to even fathom the idea he intended to bring across. ‘It could be like befor–,’
‘Y/n.’ Ria’s voice sounded through the hardwood and cut him off. Hope flared within you. ‘Babe, you’ve been in there awfully long.’ The handle turned, but the door didn’t open. Your heart sank. He’d locked the door. She rapped her knuckles on the wood. ‘Y/n, I can’t get in.’
‘Ria, hel -- !’ You yell in a panic and before Kwang covers your mouth with his hand. Ria, please, you screamed in your head.
‘Y/n!’ Ria called and turned the knob with more force.
You pushed at Kwang’s chest, your fear outweighing your disgust when he wouldn’t budge. His hand closed around your throat and pushed your head against the wall. Your eyes watered against the impact. And you blindly scratched and clawed at his hand. You couldn’t open your mouth, you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t even cry out from how hard his thumb and forefinger held onto your jaw.
You squirmed when the hand over your mouth moved between the slit of your dress and his fingers drew a pattern against your inner thigh. Ice tore through you at the sudden reminder - 'No panties?' Kwang smiled crookedly. Finding it sexy. 'Makes this way easier than it needs to be.'
Your husband sure. You would forego underwear anytime. But with this man, you wished you had layers between you.
You cowered hard against the wall, wanting to get away from his touch. ‘Now drop your hands… and tell Ria you’re fine…’ he threatened you, ‘or I go higher.’
It was one thing to want to control you, but deriving pleasure from violence was something you had never experienced with him. He used to say that he loved you, cared for you… it was implied that he would never want to hurt you. But someone who loved you… wouldn’t do this.
You nodded fast, when his hand traced the seam between your inner thigh and vagina. 'You're wet, princess.' He breathes against you. 'Maybe you were built for a bit of pain with your pleasure after all.'
You shook violently and your stomach lurched at his implication. You would do as he said. As long as it bought you some time. He eased his hold on your jaw, but he kept his fingers placed perfectly, just in case you did the opposite of what he asked. ‘I-I’m fine, Ria. Just slipped.’
‘Oh fuck, are you hurt?’ She tried the doorknob again. ‘Are you able to get up? Try to let me in.’
‘I -,’ you yelped when he pinched your inner thigh, ‘-’ll be out in a minute.’
‘If you’re sure,’ Ria’s voice was unsure – and Ria was never unsure. Maybe she knew. Maybe she would get you out.
His fingers danced across your front, a whisper, a warning, and you squirmed, trying to push your body even further into the wall. 'I'm fine!' you repeated more forcefully, in an effort to be convincing.
You waited with baited breath, Kwang’s head inclined towards the door, as he listened to Ria’s footsteps disappear. He dropped his hand from between your dress and covered your mouth as soon as the words were out. ‘That wasn’t so hard,’ his warm breath grazed over your face, ‘was it?’
You swallowed hard against the bile at the back of your throat, trusted your instincts, like the last time and found it in you to bring your knee up, hard.
But he deflected your move by lifting his own leg and blocking your kick with his knee. ‘Ah-ah-ah!’ He tutted. ‘I know you, y/n.’ His nose brushed against yours and squirmed against the wall. 'Not again. Not this time.' Your nostrils burn as you recognize his cologne, a scent that was once so familiar, now repelled you. His eyes were the worst, his smirk, the zest in his features… something… something excited him about you fighting back.
Then you wouldn’t. It was an altogether different thing that some part of you couldn’t. You couldn't... move again. But how did you get out of this then?
His nose traced along your shoulder, inhaling your scent, getting a fill of whatever sick fantasy played in his head.
You clenched your fists at your sides, wanting to fight this, wanting to defend yourself, just to move, just to try, but when you made to move again… you just stood there. Frozen. You wished this would stop. You wished you could ask why he has to hurt you to get his point across and why now, why after all these years. Your eyes pleaded with him as he muffled your words and the panic overwhelmed you as the tears streamed down your face.
Please. Please. Please. You looked to the ceiling, wishing he would stop, wishing this would all be over.
Your nails dug into your skin, you remained unresponsive as his forefinger traced the seam of your dress on the one shoulder. A soft… light… horrifying touch, that teased your skin as his finger followed the strap from one shoulder to the top of your breast.
‘Fight, y/n.’ He egged you on. ‘You always liked to fight. All that spirit, all that fire.’
You grit your teeth. Closing your eyes, you retreated into yourself. Ice. Be ice. You went into that safe space in your mind, the cold state, the unresponsive one. You were in so much pain. Namjoon. Fuck it all to hell, would Namjoon think something else? If you even got out now, would your family even believe you? Would Namjoon think bad of you? Would he not want you anymore?
‘Guess I can admire my handiwork.’ He leered at you. ‘I was the one to tame you. I had to support you. I had to take care of you… some would say I practically raised you. And it was all so good, y/n.’ He sighs regretfully. ‘We had an arrangement, we had a bond… instead of embracing it, you turned your back on me.’
You heard him. But with every word he sounded further away, like ice water, tricking through your veins, until it formed a barrier, between what you were feeling and no feeling at all.
‘You couldn’t think about me, princess? You couldn’t spare me a little gratitude?’
Oh he had no idea, how many days and nights went by, where you felt like you were in the wrong, where you felt like you owed him for being there for you… and thank some sort of sane part of you, that gripped onto the will to distance and heal and take care of your bruised heart.
'But I'm here now,' he sounded like he actually believed that you still needed him, like you did back then. 'And we can pick up where we left off.'
You felt… nothing. Not anymore. The man from your past that you had respected, that you loved as a guardian, that you trusted to care for you… he was gone. In fact, he never really existed.
Funnily enough, it didn’t seem like he was too eager about getting his dick inside you. And your mind may be fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself.
Rape was faster than this right? You cringed internally at your choice of words. But that was what it was… sexual assault, abuse, grooming… rape. His belt would be unbuckled, his pants down his legs… And your mind maybe fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself. It was like he enjoyed… touching you, having access to your body as if he had any right over it. If you were being honest, it felt a bit like mind rape, like having your body respond or not respond physically, because of gentle touches and an emotionally warped connection, but an emotional connection nonetheless that could be drawn from. It made you feel even worse, it made you feel psychotic, because even though every cell in your brain screamed for you to react, your body remained frozen in fear and something… something in you was not pulling away completely. It was disgusting and wrong and you felt betrayed by your own body.
You were not getting out of this one.
And even if you did, you would still be in the wrong. Kwang Jae was a sociable, charismatic, smart, absolutely positive person. That more than made up for a good standing, because he could be that manipulative.
Sniveling openly, uncaring about whether or not he wanted to care, or wanted to hurt you, you realized, after this, you really were going to be all alone, because no one would believe you. Your family wouldn’t want you. Yuna would hate you, blame you, your husband… How could anyone believe in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself? This war inside you, it was exhausting…
You cried against his palm, when his fingertips traced the edge of your dress slit.
‘That’s better.’ He groaned against your cheek when your cries became vocal.
You leaned against the wall so your legs didn’t give out from under you, as you felt a hint of Kwang’s teeth against your shoulder. ‘Come on, princess, give me something. You’re not making this fun.’ A light kiss on your neck, the trail going south. ‘Talk to me, argue with me, just like how you spar with that husband of yours.’
Never! Your blood thrums under your skin and you bite the inside of your cheek to keep yourself quiet, because nobody was allowed to compare themselves with your husband, least of all him.
‘Nothing?’ He lifted his head and gazed at you. ‘No reaction?’ His self-assured smirk chills you to the bone. ‘You must not love him as much as you claim.’ He muses. ‘Maybe all you did was try to replace me with him.’
You finally brought up your fists, struggling against him, a possessive rage in your gut that didn’t know fear, rearing its head when Kim Namjoon was in question.
He catches your wrists in his one free hand and holds them above your head, his elation so apparent it sickened you. ‘That’s more like it.’ He says in a low voice and uses the leverage he has on your hands to get closer to your body, his proximity a suffocating thing.
The air flexes as he leans in…
Wrong. His fingers sought higher, and you couldn’t let him do this to you. Wrong. This was wrong. He was wrong. It was all wrong. His words about your husband somehow woke you up. Your fingers curl back into fists. He's too heavy to push off, but… You bring your head front in a sharp motion, and headbutt him as hard as you possibly can.
He yelps, and clutches the soft bone of his nose and you forego the pain on your head for the freedom of your wrists.
You want to ignore the instinctive feeling, the anger, the rage, the part of you that wants to fight and get you in trouble with him, because you know it would be no use, but you couldn’t ignore it!
Using all of those feelings of motivation, you pulled back your fist and swung as hard as you could, praying to something or the other in the universe that you met your mark. It did just that as you heard flesh meeting flesh.
‘Fuck!’ Kwang exclaimed as he reared back and held his jaw.
You shook with the force of your actions, an internal war causing complete and utter chaos, because he was the closest man you used to have as a father, and the greatest mentor that helped you hone your skills and you would have once done anything to make him proud and make him happy but not this!
You swatted your tears away and watched as he moved his jaw, then laughed. The fucker laughed as his nose bled and it was terrifying. But you felt the adrenaline.
This man exploited you. He used his niece to get close to you, he used his relationship with your father as leverage, work as an excuse and respect, loyalty, love, for his sick mind games to have some sort of control over you, to be revered, and now you knew, you were nothing… but a good piece of ass.
You breathed hard, your vision got clear, and you held your hands in front of you as the burn in the backs of your eyes consumed you in a feral rage you didn’t know you had. You would get out of this, without screaming, or yelling, or however. But you would!
There’s a glint in his eye when he finally makes eye contact with you. A switch from his calm facade turning into something you’ve never seen…something dark and twisted… Kwang lunged for you at the same time that the door swung open – then all hell broke loose.
###
‘Motherfucker! Get your fucking hands off my wife!’ Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his collar and pulled him back away from you.
Damsel in distress bullshit aside, you were so fucking glad to see him. Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his lapels and punched him in the jaw. He was going to do it again when Jin blocked your view.
‘Y/n,’ Jin rushed toward you and cupped your face in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ He searched your face and gave you a once over.
Your face screwed up, a pathetic attempt not to fall apart as you dived in his arms. Jin crushed you to him, just as Ria came up from behind. ‘I’m sorry, I had to, I, he –’
‘It’s okay,’ she caressed your hair and comforted you, checking for any marks or bleeding.
You watched as Kwang fought back, swinging wildly, but your husband was too far gone. Kwang was no match for Namjoon’s height, or his build, not to mention his rage. Namjoon turned Kwang around and slammed him face first into the wall. And he pulled back and did it again. ‘Joon, stop!’ Yoongi grabbed one hand, but Namjoon shrugged him off and did it again, until he heard a crunch of bone. ‘Namjoon!’ Yoongi turned around and pushed at his chest. ‘Stop! Y/n needs you!’
Kwang slumped to the floor and spat blood from his dripping nose. ‘Pretty boy packs quite a punch.’ The fucker was till smiling. It was sadistic.
Years. Fucking years and you had never seen this side. Not even who, but what… what did you trust… how…
‘Shut the fuck up!’ You had never heard Hobi speak like that. He lifted Kwang by his arms with the help of Jungkook and shoved him out of the restroom away from you and Namjoon.
Namjoon whirled on you, and the raw fury in his eyes, made you flinch out of Jin’s hold and back up against the wall. Your husband didn’t back down even then as he approached you. He would never hurt you, but it was till fucking terrifying. ‘What. The fuck. Did he do?’ He grit out.
You bit your lip and avoided eye contact.
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon prompted you again, his nostrils flared but his voice was calmer than you’d like to admit.
‘Joon maybe –,’
Ria was silenced with a look.
You shook your head. You didn’t want to make Namjoon mad, you didn’t want him to look at you with pity, or worse, like you were… damaged. A heaviness settled in your chest when Namjoon stands in front of you, lifts your chin up with two fingers, and something tears into you to see him so upset. His muscles bunched up, his stormy gaze, your husband was in a state and it was all your fault.
Holding onto your forearm, Namjoon crowded you. ‘Baby,’ He dropped his forehead against yours.
Tears welled up and your teeth clamped shut. But as he stared you down, as he coaxed you, and reminded you he was there, that he would handle this, that he would take care of it no matter what it was. For once, or in fact, just like every time, when it came to Kim Namjoon, you gave in.
Your voice shakes, and you purse your lips, as your chest burns. ‘He tried to - to, m-me,’ you lift your hands in an effort to speak clearly, ‘he, tou-, tried to, m-, me.’ Your tremulous tone was a testament to exactly how unsteady you were.
Apparently that was all he needed to hear. Namjoon’s jaw grew impossibly defined, sharper, harder, until his rapid breathing and flared nostrils were too much for even his body to contain. With a snarl, an ugly sound torn from his chest, he turned to walk in the direction of Hobi and Kwang.
‘N-No, don’t go!’ You cried out after him. ‘Namjoon, no!’ You grabbed the end of your dress with your good hand, and ran after him. In this mood, in this rage, even if it was because of you, Namjoon couldn’t do anything to him. He had a reputation to protect.
‘I should kill you for ever touching her!’ Namjoon stormed over to where Hoseok held Kwang by his lapels in the middle of the hall, just passed the music set up and took over, much to the surprise of the onlookers. Surprise because Hoseok initiated it or because Namjoon was enabling such behavior, you didn’t know, you also didn’t care.
‘Do it. Fuck him up!’ Hoseok egged him on. ‘I’ll just say it was self-defense.’
‘I second that.’ Yoongi added.
Yeon and Xan had already decided to back up your family, showing where their loyalty was as they flanked Yoongi.
Kwang’s gaze danced from Hoseok, to Yoongi and back to you. He smiled a bloody smile. ‘One cock isn’t enough for you, y/n? You had to try all?’
You inhaled sharply at the rude insinuation. It wasn’t so much that it was said to you. Being called a whore? Fuck that. But… you looked at the faces of your family, you would never want to hurt them.
Kwang sniggered, seemingly out of sorts, nothing about saving face or keeping up facades. ‘You little bi --,’
Another fist was slammed into Kwang’s jaw, causing him to veer out of Namjoon’s grasp and back a few steps. You covered your mouth with your hands, wondering if everyone had lost their fucking minds.
Before he could gain his balance, Namjoon cut off his air supply, by pushing him against the wall, an arm pushing firmly against his throat as your father got nose to nose with Kwang. ‘Don’t you dare, talk about my daughter that way.’
Nothing could have prepared you, absolutely nothing, to see your father defend you, not verbally, not physically and especially against someone he never had before.
‘Of course, y/n wants all of us,’ Taehyung took the new turn of events in stride, swirled the drink in his hand, ‘she’s building a harem.’
You had a feeling Taehyung only had the drink in his hand because he needed something to do with his hands… or he’d be as wild-card as Hobi was – the sun devoid from the male in question as he paced behind Namjoon.
‘So, yours wouldn’t meet any expectation,’ Jin pointed out casually while playing along.
You made a face. This wasn’t the time to joke.
Kwang struggled against your husband’s hold. ‘Sung -- ,’
‘Shut up!' Sung growled and spat at his feet. 'You turned me against my own daughter, all these years, all this time.'
Kwang’s next words tore your breath from your lungs, the confirmation ripping through an old wound that refused to heal. ‘You knew she was telling the truth,’ Kwang’s teeth were bloody, his nose at an odd angle, but he berated your father nonetheless, ‘You knew! But your company and our partnership… your reputation was too important.’
Your father turned back to look at you, and you saw the truth, the remorse in his eyes. But it was too late. Back then… all you needed was for him to believe you. If he had shown that, you would have saved his reputation, you would have done whatever he asked, you would never be anyone’s problem. That he didn’t, that he chose what was important to him, when you were the one that was supposed to be the priority… it was too late. You let him see your anger, your hurt, your betrayal… and satisfaction washed over you when shame etched its way on his features.
‘We could break you,’ Namjoon threatened, not bothering to stoke old flames, ‘right here, right now for even daring to lay a single finger on my wife.’
‘I’d kill you for even thinking about touching her at all.’ Hoseok glared, his eyes colder than you’d ever seen them. ‘You sick fuck!’ His body trembled in a fury, his breaths becoming sharper as he worked himself up. Yoongi placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing hard.
‘Your friend over here seems angrier than you,’ Kwang aimed the statement at Namjoon, ‘internal politics perhaps.’
‘Fuck you!’ Hoseok spat.
‘Ah,’ Kwang nodded with what little motion he had, ‘A husband who's the leader, a ‘close’ friend that’s almost snarling in possessive ferity, and a band willing to tank everything for one woman… and I’m the one being blamed?’ His tone held incredulity.
It took you a second, the fog in your brain was too much to handle, but you got it at almost the same time everyone else did. He was insinuating that you were a whore. Again.
Hoseok lunged, and Yoongi held him back before he could do anything. But the most surprising defense came from someone else.
’No one,’ A cold hiss like an ice pick dancing across your spine, ‘is allowed to talk about my Noona that way.’ Jungkook’s voice was edgy, grated, a harshness that you would have never expected from him, and the heavy silence that descended after left you reeling from the amount of respect it held.
Tears pricked your eyes.
Kwang hummed. You knew what he was thinking, Jungkook was the youngest, and would be the most vulnerable to manipulation. ‘Y/n, still using your charm as usual,’ Kwang hissed at you, ‘come on, princess, don’t let me take all the blame.’
‘Don’t look at her,’ Jin made a face and embraced you so you were blocked from view.
You stared at Kwang like he was a stranger. This wasn’t the man that grew you up to be strong and smart and encouraged you to live life, this was not your mentor, or your friend… you had to look away. It hurt – it cut deeply, into a wound you had fooled yourself into thinking was scabbed over.
‘Fuck this! Call the police, or get rid of him.’ Taehyung said, as he came up to you, his eyes giving you a once over, stopping at the whiskey stain.
You looked at him, wanting to tell him how sorry you were, but when he met your gaze you saw sadness – a sadness for you… You couldn’t work with sad. Anger was better. But you hated when your family was sad.
‘Yeon and Xan will hide the body…’ Jimin motioned toward them.
‘And everyone here,’ Hoseok spread his arms wide, indicating to the few people around the room, ’will be none the wiser.’
‘I’m right here,’ Kwang grit out, clearly offended that they were talking across him.
‘Who gives a fuck?’ Jimin countered.
Kwang spat blood on the floor, speaking through your father’s strong hold. ‘She’s not worth it.’
A moment suspended in time. You held your breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. But even if it did, it would bear so little impact compared to Yoongi’s next words.
‘Then why does it hurt,’ the stoic male muttered, his face sporting a devilishly satisfied smirk from behind Hobi, a heavy hand still holding onto the usually more optimistic member of the band, ‘that she never, ever once, would even consider … choosing you.’
You winced at the brutal statement, remembering all too well that Yoongi was quiet not only because he had a strong foundation and a good head on his shoulders, but that the yang of that yin combination was an indication of his capability of cruelty.
Kwang’s face turned ugly from the remnants of a badly bruised ego.
Namjoon held a hostile stance, next to your father, all but encouraging any of his actions. A piece of your heart turned over at the idea of them finally being on the same page, but the empty pit of your stomach was too uncomfortable for you to ignore.
The people around you, Yeon and Xan, Ria, your mom… no one stepped in, no one interfered.
Your maknaes, Taehyung, Jimin, even Jungkook, were content to let this carry on, their eyes blazing with a fury on your behalf – a love so true it could bring you to your knees.
You looked up at Jin, suddenly all too aware of his arms, steel bands holding you in place, ready to stand in front of you or hold you to him, but protect you with everything in his power. Your chest felt like lead, at the realization that Kwang could actually die here, no one would stop it, no one would even try.
But your husband was not a killer. Neither was your father, not directly. And your family should not be in the category of aiding and abetting murder.
Even in your own head, it all seemed a tad bit dramatic, but you could feel the tension in the air.
‘Let him go.’ You said in a raspy tone. Everyone turned to you. You could imagine how you looked, terrified, with your hair out of place, make-up stained, but you didn’t back down. ‘Yuna,’ you gulped, ‘can’t know about this.’ You took in a shaky breath. ‘And in order for her not to know… you have to let him go.’
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Hoseok snarled at you. ‘This bastard belongs in jail, or worse.’
You saved the pain from Hobi’s lashing for later as you met Namjoon’s eyes. They were dark, shimmering with fury and the knowledge of what that day had cost you and how much harder it would be after this… but you didn’t back down this time. ‘You got to me in time.’ You implored him with everything in you, showed every vulnerable aspect of you for him to understand that you would have fought this, you would have slayed this demon, if only Yuna’s heart wasn’t on the line. ‘Please.’ It was a plea, to let it be and let it go.
The people around you… you would deal. The questions, the pitiful looks and the shamelessness of it all, but you would handle it from your end – you would rather your life turn upside down, as long as Yuna’s stayed intact. As long as the band could go back to the way they used to be.
‘Who’s to say he won’t tell her himself? Play the victim?’ Ria countered your argument, a disappointment laced in her tone that made your heart even more heavy. ‘Maybe it’s time she knew, y/n.’
‘This is ridiculous, y/n!’ Hoseok shouted at you. ‘Look at the amount of people around you. Look at the witnesses. You can’t live with the fear that she would choose him over you!’
‘Shut up, Hobi!’ You knew he was right, but you hated hearing the truth, you were not strong enough for it at this moment. But as usual, after years of knowing you, vulgarity was not a fresh concept between you.
He wasn’t offended, however, his next words indicated he was clearly incensed. ‘Yuna is not your father!’
‘Hobi,’ Yoongi cautioned as he regarded you.
Hoseok made a frustrated sound and turned away.
‘Hobi’s right…’ Everyone whirled around to find Yuna at the entrance, her arms folded across her chest. ‘I am not your father.’
Your legs buckled, and a pained noise burst through your chest. You would have fallen flat if Jin didn’t hold you against him.
Something… snapped… inside you. It took years, years of silence, years of biting your tongue, years of triggers that you used iron will to keep at bay, to keep hidden from her. Pushing her away, forcing distance, having one of the biggest fights of your life… and it all just came tumbling down in front of you, like a gust of wind on your tower of cards.
Yuna spared you a glance – a multitude of emotions passing between you in the moment. Anger. Fear. Hurt.
‘Yuna,’ Kwang smiles in momentary relief, ‘You wouldn’t believe what they’re accusing me of.’
She tilted her head to the side. ‘What’s that?’
‘They think I tried to hurt, y/n. That I tried to abuse her. Can you believe that– Let go of me Namjoon!’ If you didn’t know any better, you figure your husband must have been pressing on Kwang’s neck with every word he dared to utter.
Yuna says nothing when Namjoon let’s Kwang fall.
Kwang wipes the blood as he stands up and approaches her, limping, making a show of being pitiful. ‘This is clearly y/n. She’s still angry about the Legacy, won't even talk to me,’ he scoffs. Yuna doesn’t even react to him and it only makes Kwang squirm out an explanation.
‘And when I approached her this is how she reacted. Sicced her family on me. It’s quite dramatic if you ask me…’ He shakes his head, glances at you, then looks back at his niece as you wait with baited breath. Only the sound of Kenta’s footsteps could be heard.
Kwang sighed and smiled. ‘You’re not buying any of this are you?’
You stared at him bewildered. Such a bold admission was in tune with his character, but it still caught you off guard.
‘She deserves a bit more credit than that.’
Kenta’s voice made you shudder slightly. He did nothing to mask the underlying threat in it. And if you thought the band was capable of violence in this situation, Kenta, on the other hand, was a different story. His profession thrived on violence, someone who had actually had blood stain his hands, regardless of the reason – he had a penchant for it, not just the potential. He wouldn’t just have to order Xan or Yeon to do the dirty work… he would handle it himself.
Yuna’s nostrils flared and her lip trembled. ‘How could you?’ Her voice was deceptively soft.
‘He’s always been this way, Yu. Even before he fixated on y/n.’
What?
You stared at Kenta, the bomb he’d just dropped leaving debris around you. Kwang had done this before?
Yuna looked up at her husband. ‘You knew.’ It wasn’t a question. She then dropped her head and muttered, ‘Of course you did.’ A reminder that her husband was no ordinary man.
Kwang’s eyebrows drew. He was visibly thrown off at Yuna’s reaction, but he also didn’t back down. ‘He’s lying! He’s lying to save her! Come on, sweetheart. How much time have y/n and I spent together? So many hours, so many memories… You’ve been witness to our interactions.' His voice dropped an octave, coaxing, manipulating. ‘Am I really that insane? She’s always had a thing for me. You can’t deny it.’ He turned to look at you. ‘And she’s always been mine.’
A vile feeling overcame you and had you shuddering in Jin’s hold.
Namjoon’s response was immediate – and violent. He growled as he rushed at Kwang and punched him again, blood sputtering from his mouth and onto your father’s shirt as he fell to the floor. Sung didn’t even flinch. Namjoon grabbed Kwang’s collar, lifting half his body up as he did so, a show of strength that made him seem even less of the calm, collected Namjoon you were accustomed to. ‘Say it again,’ his quiet tone raises the hairs on your nape. ‘Call my wife yours again, I dare you.’
Kwang glared at your husband, but didn’t repeat his words. He didn’t call you his again. Instead he refocused on your father as Kenta pulled Namjoon off him.
‘What’s the matter, Sung? Can’t handle the fact that I was a better father figure?’
‘Father figure?’ Sung scoffed. ‘I hurt her. But not the way you have. I never witnessed a side of y/n that trusted me to keep her safe, she withheld her love. For good reason, of course. But you?’ Sung clicked his tongue. ‘You had a gift in the palm of your hand, and you savaged it – beyond repair.’
‘I did nothing I was not entitled to.’ Kwang decreed, his chin raised a fraction as he made to stand up, swaying on his feet but feeling and showing no remorse, none at all.
Yuna narrowed her gaze. ‘Who are you?’ She asked so quietly, it resonated with an old wounded part of your heart. Because for how long, had you been asking yourself that question?
‘What do you want from me, Yuna? I did my fair share. In fact, I did my best for you and Helen. That doesn’t change. My love for you and your sister will never chan –,’
Yuna held her hand up. ‘It changes everything.’ She went to take a step forward, the betrayal radiating off her in waves, but Kenta moved to stand between them, effectively keeping her in place. ‘You used me.’ The sentence was torn out of her. Oh my Yuna. ‘Used me to get to her.’ She pointed to you.
‘And you played your part so well, like it was some sort of sick game.’ Her face twisted in disdain. ‘So many sleepovers. Family dinners. Work meetings.’ She croaked, as her mind processed every single bit of information to slot next to the truth of her Uncle. ‘Y/n was never safe.’ She accused. ‘Ohmygod, you could have done anything at anytime.’
‘Exactly. And I didn’t. Y/n needed to realize her feelings first.’ He caught the last sentence and latched onto it as if it was of any use to save him. ‘Why are you not factoring y/n into this? Is it really so hard to accept that she came onto me? That she wants me. The signs were there!’
Your face twisted in revulsion because what fucking signs?
Deadly silence coated the air, as if every individual present rejected Kwang’s question all at once.
‘You’re an asshole.’ Ria scoffed and broke the tension. ‘A typical, male, asshole.’
Understatement of the century.
Everyone turned to look at her, but she didn’t flinch under the scrutiny. ‘I was there. The day y/n ran out of the conference room. The minute she walked out of her father’s office, tears streaming down her face…I was there. There was no way, she was in the wrong that day, and I have no doubt you did your best to finish the job today.’ Ria folded her arms, daggers as she stared Kwang down. ‘Either way, y/n would never come onto you. She would never want you.’
‘Loyalty is a respectable trait, Ria. Lying isn’t.’
‘Go fuck yourself,’ she murmured without emotion, dismissing Kwang like he was little less than a fly in the vicinity.
‘He can’t. He’s too busy trying to fuck with everyone else.’ Hoseok’s fury had become leashed… somewhat.
‘What do you mean ‘that day’, Ria?' Yuna asked, confused. 'Which day? What are you talking about?’ Oh no.
You mentally willed for Kenta to meet your eye, somehow protect Yuna from this at least, but when he did, you realized it would be futile. You would no longer be able to protect her. ‘The reason y/n pushed you away, the reason she broke off all contact with Kwang and her father.’
‘He attempted this before.' Kenta confirmed. 'On the Pandora project. She defended herself and got out in time. But the matter never escalated.’ Kenta leveled a glare in your father’s direction. ‘The partners never found it necessary to do so.’
Yuna shot you an incredulous look. ‘This was why you were so distant?’
You looked down. You couldn’t defend yourself.
‘I’m not even surprised with you, Sung.’ Yuna did nothing to hide the malice in her tone. ‘But you, y/n? Keeping this quiet? For all these years? You’re ready to fight the world for someone you love, but didn’t do it for yourself?’ Yuna was shouting now. ‘You retreated into yourself and you were so quiet and so… ‘ Yuna balled up her hands in fists and shook them, ‘so wound up and suffocated.’
‘After you took over…’ Her eyes darted from side to side as she made more connections. ‘No. It was before that.’ She looked up at you. ‘There were changes before that. You didn’t come over anymore. And you always made excuses not to hang out when he was around. You died, y/n.’ Severe words that made too much sense. ‘You died until you took over the company, but even then you were the fucking living dead.’ Her voice broke. ‘You left me.’ Your throat closed up. ‘You pushed me away,’ she cried, ‘because he’d hurt you and you didn’t want to hurt me.’
You shook your head, your throat closing up and your eyes becoming blurry at the devastation you heard in her voice. Don’t cry, you didn’t want her to cry.
‘All these years, y/n. So much pain, so much that you handled alone…’ Yuna stifled a sob as she covered her mouth, ‘And I didn’t know a fucking thing!’ She turned away from you and fell into Kenta’s open arms as she broke down. His hand covered the back of her head easily, shielding her, keeping her close, keeping her safe.
You didn’t know how to fix this. On one hand you wouldn’t change your decision. You didn’t regret not telling her. But now that she knew… you’d never thought this far. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to find out. It was your pain and your trauma and your nightmares – any of those shadows eclipsing any of your loved ones lives was never the plan.
‘You could have told me.’ She said wetly, her voice muffled by Kenta’s coat.
‘It wasn’t your burden to bear.’ I didn’t want to lose you.
‘The hell it wasn’t!’ She broke out of Kenta’s hold and yelled at you. ‘What do you take me for, y/n!’
Frustration surfaced. You would not explain your actions to anyone. No one. No one knew how you felt, no one could feel your pain. ‘No one believed me, Yuna.’
‘I would have believed you!’
‘My own father didn’t even believe me!’
‘I am not your fucking father!’
Sung winced at her tone.
‘You would have believed her over me.’ Kwang questioned his niece.
‘It would have been a punch to the gut,’ Yuna replied, not looking at him, her tone aiming to rub anyone with a semblance of self-respect, the wrong way. ‘But it wouldn’t have cut deeper than knowing I forced y/n through my wedding with her abuser over her shoulder.'
Kwang mouthed the word ‘abuser’ as if he didn’t know what the term meant, as if he wasn’t one. ‘How can you talk to me this way?’
‘Did you not,‘ Yuna raised her voice with every word, her patience worn thin, ‘try to take advantage of my best friend Uncle?’ She spat the familial term as if it was a slur.
Kwang pursed his lips.
Yuna nodded her head in resignation. ‘Exactly.’ She threaded her fingers through Kenta’s. ‘Do what’s necessary.’ There was no room for misunderstanding. Kenta would deal with Kwang Jae.
You swallowed hard. ‘No.’
‘Ignore her.’ Yuna dismissed you. ‘I’m done with this. It’s over. He needs to go.’
‘I said no!’
She screamed back at you. ‘Why! What are you so afraid of?’
The satisfaction of having everything out in the open devolved fast into anxiety. ‘Can’t you see that you have careers in the public eye, reputations to protect! We can’t have this getting out. I don’t want it to get out.’
‘You aren’t alone, y/n.’ Kenta reminded you. ‘And you aren’t in the wrong.’
‘But I would have to deal with it.’
‘Y/n, honey, please –,’ Hobi tried for reason.
You cut him off. ‘Let him go.’
You would not let anyone have a field day with this bullshit. Not now, not ever. Justice meant nothing. You already knew, even if you envisioned Kwang behind bars, it wouldn’t be satisfying… neither would seeing him dead do any good.
That’s what happened when you accepted things as they were. And you have always been able to afford balance on the outside, for the external, for the people around you and for life to go on… all at the expense of your sanity. Because inside you, it was pure carnage. It was all you knew. But you could handle your pain. It was your pain. Your pain would not be anyone else's burden, or entertainment.
Jin looked down at you, his heavy gaze unfolding your ruse into reality. ‘Why are you being like this?’ He asked softly.
You averted your gaze. It was an easy answer. ‘He’s not worth it.’
Jin’s eyes shined with age-old knowledge and unbridled empathy. ‘He’s not worth it, y/n… or you?’
You bit back a retort at the stark honesty in his words. They stung. And some vindictive part of you felt that they were making a mockery of your pain, pushing you to do what was right, showcasing your trauma like it would be a tale of strength. But Jin was right, you didn’t feel the fight for you would be worth it. You would not make it anyone else's problem. There was no room for y/n to be ruining anyone’s life – unintentionally or not.
‘Y/n, you need to do this for yourself babe.’
You shook your head against Ria’s words. Not this time. You were not the heroine, or the damsel that was saved, or the one everyone would look up to because you were ‘so brave’. You would do what felt right for you, regardless of how it looked to anyone else.
‘Y/n don’t give him an out.’ Namjoon spoke so softly, it stripped your heart open. ‘Do you understand, that letting him go,’ Namjoon pointed to Kwang, ‘that letting him walk, after what he’s done, and attempted to do, not once, but twice, that he would be getting exactly what wants.’ Namjoon glared at you. ‘He had the balls to do it, because he knew you would make the call to let him go.’ A shadow passed over his features, ‘If you do this, you would be taking away my right to protect you.’
Yoongi inclined his head. ‘Are you willing to accept the risk of ever seeing him again? He could easily go to the papers, y/n.'
He wouldn’t fuck up his own life. But you didn’t answer Yoongi. Right now, you had no strength and you didn’t care. You wanted this night over with. You wanted to go home.
‘Don’t do this, y/n,’ Hoseok’s voice held a glacial unevenness. A clear sign of how enraged he was, but how much of a tight leash he had on it.
So angry, but still listening to you, still taking your word into account.
‘If you want to put him behind bars… I’ll support you this time,’ your father looked over his shoulder at you.
‘We owe you much more,’ Ra-Mi ran gentle fingers through your hair.
You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t stand it. And it would be logical to find the so-called justice they sought for you, and years earlier it would have made all the difference. But you were married now and it mattered because of who you were married to. You would not put Yuna or the band through any of it. It was too late.
‘Y/n --,’ Yoongi whispered, when he came to stand next to you.
You turned into Jin's chest and hid between his arms. Having no strength to deal with Yoongi’s disappointment. ‘Please, just, let him go. Let him leave.’
‘Hyung, do something.’ Jungkook barked.
No one reprimanded the youngest. No one believed he said anything wrong in the first place. Neither did you. The silence was thick and heavy, until Namjoon spoke.
‘My wife has been through enough tonight.’ His tone was clipped. ‘We should do as she says.’
His words were met with immediate protest.
‘Hyung, you can’t!’ Jimin shouted from beside Jungkook.
‘Namjoon-ah!’ Jin and Yoongi scolded, the eldest clutching you tighter, as if letting Kwang go would somehow endanger you further.
As you turned in Jin’s arms, you focused on your husband, you saw his lip curl back in a silent snarl at his brothers’ contradictions. You couldn’t imagine what Namjoon was going through. A man had his hands on you, to hurt you, to claim, to control… Now his brother’s were disappointed in him. Again.
You met his gaze again, his chest rising and falling in uneven breaths, a final attempt to change your mind.
You whimpered softly and his jaw set… it was answer enough for him, before he shoved Kwang back into the wall.
‘I don’t give a fuck,’ you shut your eyes against Namjoon’s voice, ‘where you go or what you do, but know this, if you ever come near Y/n again, I will make sure you regret it.’ A sound of impact. ‘Do you understand?’
You heard Kwang’s feet flatten against the floor when Namjoon finally let him down.
‘I owe you a lifetime of resentment.’ You heard your father say.
You turned your head in Jin’s arms, wanting to take in the scene before you, wanting to watch him leave.
The disappointment bled from Namjoon, but you didn’t budge, trauma response or not, Kwang needed to fuckoff – you wanted nothing to do with him.
‘We’ll walk you,’ Kwang grimaced at Jimin, most likely observing their age gap and feeling highly disrespected. ‘Make sure you actually leave this time.’
Kwang looked over at you.
‘Move!’ Jimin berated him. The hyung of the maknae line was in no mood to play.
‘That’s a tad disrespectful, don’t you think so, Jimin?’ You rolled your eyes inwardly. You knew him so well. ‘What would your parents think?’
Your eye twitched. The bastard had no right to talk about Jimin’s parents. No one defended the male that cared the most and loved without abandon, but you soon realized that there wasn’t a need.
Jimin walked up to Kwang, despite the height difference, Jimin still managed to look like the more intimidating one. ‘You are more than welcome, to explain your actions, how I am treating you and await their verdict on the matter, but I assure you,’ Jimin’s lips lifted, a chilling glare that had you fisting on Jin’s jacket, ‘They wouldn’t waste even their sympathy on scum like you.’ Jimin’s eyes flashed fire. ‘Now start walking!’ the hyung of the maknae line turned away and muttered, ‘Get you as far away from my family as possible.’
They were almost to the entrance when Yuna spoke. ‘Uncle.’ Four pairs of dress shoes stopped in their tracks.
‘That you are walking out of here on your own, is a statement of how big y/n’s heart is.’ Her voice didn’t waver, not even a little. ‘It’s a clear sign that there could have only been one person to blame for all of this.’
You felt the words caress against the pieces of your broken heart, so delicate. At the same time you felt Yuna’s pain, the brutal decision you knew she’d just made, rebounding off her life in so many ways, she was yet to see the consequences.
‘Understand that if you do anything more, y/n will not be dealing with you, the people surrounding her will. And if it wasn’t clear enough already,’ she spoke to the ground. A sign that it was too painful, and that she had no choice. ‘We are no longer family.’ She swallowed hard. ‘We have nothing more to do with each other.’
You wanted to gauge Kwang’s reaction but you were stuck on Yuna. No other human being would ever give up as much as she had for you, without a second thought, without a shred of regret.
Taehyung sighed. ‘I need more alcohol.’
‘The champagne has a cork in it.’ Jungkook offered, as they flanked Jimin.
‘Oh good,’ Jungkook earned a clap on the back from the hyung that was every bit his best friend and more, ‘it shoots and makes an impact if we aim it in the right direc --,’
Their words died as they left the hall. The joke was dry, unnecessary, but they were reeling from a tragic truth and they would cope the only way they knew how.
You blew out a puff of air against Jin’s suit jacket and he rubbed your back comfortingly.
Something needed to be said, something to fill the silence. The bartenders still hadn’t left, neither did the hall manager and her two staff… you wanted to groan out loud, this was just another media scandal waiting to happen anyway.
Your eyes darted over their forms, as the momentary realization sent you into a panic. Your renewed shaking must have alarmed Jin, because all of a sudden you were out of his arms and he got in your face. ‘Breathe. Breathe for me, it’s okay sweetheart.’
‘Th-they,’ you motioned your head towards the bar, your voice wobbly as you tried to explain.
Yoongi’s eyebrows were scrunched in confusion, but he soon caught on when he looked at the staff. He stepped into your personal space and bent his head to make eye contact with you. ‘We’ll handle it.’
‘Wh-,’ Jin started, but Yoongi explained the situation in a hushed whisper before making his way over to the bar.
Ria was already way ahead of them as she made her way to the hall manager.
Yeon and Xan regarded you silently. You didn’t have it in you to look them in the eye. Not yet.
‘Y/n,’ Sung came up to you.
You shook your head vehemently. ‘No.’ As grateful as you were, you couldn’t deal with him right now. ‘No, please, I can’t.’ You couldn’t hear it. You couldn’t process it. ‘Whatever it is.’
It was too much. It was all too much.
‘Please listen to me,’ your father begged as he caught your elbow.
You shoved him away, taking Jin with you when you reared back. ‘I was so scared!’ You shouted, your voice rebounding off the walls as you ripped yourself open letting Sung Y/l/n hear the honest truth. ‘I was alone and I was scared!’ You repeated yourself, admitting to weakness when you never had. ‘And I needed you and you were never there! You weren’t there for me!'
Your father shrunk into himself at your outburst. Your mother cried harder next to him and you wanted to comfort her but with what? With what strength, with what stability? You had nothing, you were shattered from the inside out.
‘Just once, just once,’ you held your two fingers together in front of his face, ‘if you gave me a sign, that you believed me…’
‘I moved you from his department.’ Sung attempted to justify himself. ‘I changed your roles. I let you work independently, surpassing everyone’s expectations.’
You narrowed your gaze. ‘Am I supposed to fucking thank you?’ An acrid taste from your brutal words set in the back of your throat.
‘Please, y/n, I didn’t kn – , I –, I was trying to do what was bes –,’
‘Don’t you dare!’ Your forehead creased in an effort to keep frustrated tears at bay. ‘Don’t you dare, say you did anything for me. A punch and suddenly siding with me will not change what you've done!' Your face screwed up and a feeble sound made its way out of your throat. ‘Your own daughter!’ You cried openly.
‘I know! But he had major shares! He would have ripped everything away from us!’
‘He already did.’ Your mother’s words were filled with malice. And in another time you would have been able to appreciate them. But not as you stared at your father, a man who had put his company and his money and his reputation above your life, and after all of it was still making excuses – Sung Y/l/n, who had never and would never be your Dad.
‘All of this is because of you. All of it!’ You inhaled sharply, suddenly realizing that words would never get through his defenses. He would never see how much his decisions had cost him. Pure venom coated your next words. ‘It's too fucking late.’
It was nothing. Words a petulant child could have easily said. But you had nothing else left in you. You were done. Just done. Pulling away from Jin, you ran out of the hall as sobs bubbled out of your throat. You heard shouts behind you, but you were beyond caring. You didn’t care where you were going or how, or of who followed you, but you walked across the parking lot toward the open field opposite the hall. The snow was thick and your boots sunk right in, but you ran and then you walked until your breathing was labored and the cold poked at your skin… and your legs finally gave out from under you.
Your legs, exposed from the high slit, were frozen solid. Your dress was wet, so was your hair, but you couldn’t care less about appearances.
The wedding was the only big thing on your checklist for the day, and that went as well as it could have. Ria and the guys would sort out specifics. Kwang… a sob threatened to rip from your throat as you felt phantom fingers between your legs. Kwang was gone. Yuna… you would talk to her. Maybe, just maybe things would go back to normal.
‘Aah!’ You pulled away when a warm hand touched your shoulder. You looked up to find your husband looming over you. You reared back, away from him, away from his touch.
‘Y/n,’ Namjoon leaned toward you.
You avoided him by scooching further away. ‘Don’t touch me.’
Hurt clouded his features. ‘Baby --,’
‘No,’ you shook your head at him.
‘Y/n.’
You turn around to find Kenta behind you. When did he get to you? Were you so out of sorts?
Kenta bent down and rested in the snow. You winced visibly when he curled a protective arm around your shoulders. If he noticed, he didn’t show it as his other hand grabbed the wet trail of your dress, covered the exposed portion of your legs and rested his palm on your knee.
Taking deep breaths as you reminded yourself that he was checking for any injuries, a usual once over that was second nature, Kenta was safe and his touch was safe, it was a mantra until you eventually covered his hand with yours.
‘I’m fine,’ you reassured him. ‘I’m okay.’
Kenta pressed a kiss to your forehead, his movements tentative. ‘No, sweetheart.’ A term of endearment… ‘You’re not.’
You choked as his words slammed into you. Your eyes shut tight, to push away tears that were furious and unrelenting.
‘I’m sorry, Kenta. I’m so sorry!’ Kenta rocked you lightly as you lost control, your sobs becoming uncontrollable.
Why you? Why? You would never wish such things on anyone else, but why? You were not so strong. You had so much to be grateful for and you knew you were loved and there was so much to look forward to but… sometimes the pain was too much. Freshly wounded, bleeding and broken… when you were just now finding yourself, finding your husband…
You had little less of your youth left, no children, no responsibility that could not be handed over or handled… the burn under your skin and the agony that had no name turned you inside out. Was there really a need to recover from this? If you could just keep your eyes closed… if you could scream until your voice was silent… if you stopped breathing… if you just gave up…
A heat seeped through your boot by the ankle. You opened your eyes to find Namjoon crouching in front of you, trying to anchor you. You pulled your knees in toward your body and crushed your side into Kenta’s chest. ‘You can’t.’ You managed to gasp out.
Namjoon’s eyes narrowed.
‘You can’t touch me. He touched me.’
Without warning Namjoon surged forward, grabbed you by your arms and hauled you into his chest.
‘Joon –,’ You heard Kenta warn tightly. But you were beyond logic.
‘You don’t know,’ you cry out and push against Namjoon’s chest. You wince in pain when you remember your injured palm.
Nevertheless, you struggle until he slammed his mouth against yours. His kiss was hard, hurtful, but all consuming, you could taste the anger on his tongue. ‘Don’t piss me off, y/n,’ he growled against your lips when you pulled away. Breathing hard, he touched his forehead to yours and held you close to him. His palm casing your cheek. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you, baby.’
‘You don’t understand!’ Your chest splintered, your eyes burned with tears that wet your face and your hair and your insides screamed in helplessness – you always had doubts, insecurities about being good enough for Namjoon… now you knew, you never would be.
‘No, you don’t understand!’ He roared. ‘You said you were mine, just a few hours ago! You declared it, y/n. No matter what happens, or what we have to go through, we do it together! So don’t you dare push me away now.’ His voice dropped, and the pain you felt emanating from him threatened even the softest corners of your heart. ‘Don’t you dare. Not because of him. Not for anything.’
The ringing in your skull and the storm in your chest didn’t let up. ‘He touched me! He held his hand over my mouth and he tried to touch me,’ you vehemently confessed in a panic. ‘Tell me you can kiss me, Namjoon, touch me, have sex with me and not see what you walked into, not see him!’
Namjoon’s eyes were wild with emotion, his need to hold you to him, to anchor you, a palpable thing.
‘Because all I see is you! You, y/n. My wife, my love, my everything. The pain, the hurt, I want to take every bit of pain he’s caused and I want to make it better! I want to make it better! I will make it better! You were never his, y/n! You are and will always be mine! Nothing and no one can fucking threaten that.
Now, it’s fucking freezing cold, so we need to head back and we need to head home.’ He softened his hold. ‘Please, let’s go home.’
He didn’t understand. Fuck, he didn’t know, that the worst of it wasn’t the physical assault, it was the mental manipulation and every single shaky foundation in your head just fell out from under you. You didn’t know how to deal with that. ‘Namjoon, please,’ you gave up the fight and sobbed into his jacket.
His hands held you to him. ‘I’ll do anything you want, okay? I promise. But I need to get you home, away from here and away from everyone else. Please, just let me take you home.’
You dropped your forehead against his chest and sunk into his hold. You hated this. You hated the guilt of how at home you felt in the safe heat of his arms. His strength, his joy and his love… Because here you were…less, parts of you severed, and your whole psyche fractured on a level you knew, you knew you would never come back from.
Love. You loved him too much. You loved this man more than you thought you were ever capable of and you had chosen him over everything. Despite it all, you believed that he deserved someone whole, someone who could give him all of them, someone untainted. In your head you whimpered, because you didn’t have it in you to give him up.
The only question was whether he could bear this burden with you.
No. There was no question. Either way, you knew the answer. Like you knew Namjoon.
But would it grow to be a painful silence between you? A sore subject. A flaw you couldn’t help, a shortcoming you couldn’t change. With every jagged beat of your heart would you have to question the possibility, the fear… that he would one day choose to put that burden down.
this took me so long to read because one, i kept getting interrupted and two, bc it was so damn triggering to read.
y/n is truly a mess. see? this is why i see her as a character/oc nd not a reader bc altho to some may resonate how she feels is so complex: yuna, the people involved nd their reactions, her father, the grooming, the numbness, self hatred...
i imagine this is how assault victims feel like. i don't even feel like i've got the right to say something bc i have never experienced anything (thank God) close to assault.
it hurt me so much. your writing is beautifully sharp.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Borderline Assault(Sexual); Attempted Assault(Sexual); Explicit Sexual Implications; Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Panic; Dissociation; Self-deprecation; Blood and Violence; Angry/ Protective Namjoon; A very very angry band;
Word Count - 11.3k
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Additional Warnings - Graphic Depiction of Sexual Assault; Intent of Sexual Abuse; Rage; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate; Violence! Blood; Injury; Verbal Humiliation; Narcissistic Behaviour; Mentions of Grooming; (Implied) Unhealthy Obsession); Explicit Language;
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A/N - This is it. The following update may have potential triggers for psychological trauma not only on the OC but on the reader. It was hard to write. It was hard to read. It was hard to finalize. Please understand that the following chapter contains a complete representation of OC's current psyche and mental state as she goes through the intended events. PLEASE!! Proceed with caution as this whole update is a MAJOR trigger warning.
The following update contains scenes of a graphic sexual intent. To bypass the scene scroll through the first portion and read AFTER the '###' in red.
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‘I said. I Was. Not. Done.’
‘Oh God, no.’ Your voice sounded brittle, even to your own ears. Please, no! ‘Get out!’
Kwang calmly leaned against the door. The only exit, the only way out considering all the windows around you would barely fit a big dog, let alone a person through. He regarded you silently, making no move to do anything you’d asked, or anything you wished.
‘Don’t you think I’ve noticed the dirty looks, y/n? The hostile personalities from idols that are a staple for being polite, for being civil. The minimal words from your head of security, that mind you, answered only to me once upon a time.’ He stalked you, with each added sentence, speaking softly… smoothly. The tone grating against your nerves. ‘Haven’t you learned enough from trying to tell your father?’ His pity filled gaze made you feel small until he gave it up and shook his head.
His easy going stance fell away and his hard stare made you tremble a little. ‘It’s not their business, y/n and it’s not such a big deal.’ Hard features immediately softening, coaxing… confining. ‘Let’s face it, princess,’ he narrowed his gaze and you stepped back as he got closer, ‘did you not think, maybe for one minute, that you deserved it?’
You shook your head. But even you couldn’t deny that you had had your doubts. Because you did think that. You spent days, nights, going back in time, agonizing over how you carried yourself, how you portray yourself, if you had ever, even once, given any indication that would motivate his actions. You always came up short. Because in your head, you never had any sexual intention. Nothing you said or did with regards to Kwang, was even remotely sexual.
‘I didn’t,’ you breathed out and shook your head. You flinched as your back hit the wall.
There was something wrong with you… you used to think so. Because why would your own father not believe you. You internalized it all, every bad thing, every mistake… was a failing on your part, by association, a failure for your Sung Y/l/n. By being a failure, maybe it didn’t make sense, but maybe you deserved what happened to you.
Why were you the wrong one, the bad one, the attention seeker… As some of your co-workers pointed out, ‘the hard-up bitch in heat’. Yeah, you’d heard the rumors, you dealt with the judgemental looks and harsh whispers. You were the best intern, and you moved up the ranks by both nepotism and knowing how to do your job – neither of which was well received by colleagues.
In the end it was your fault that Sung didn’t believe you or at least, didn’t do anything about it.
Before everything had happened, Kwang Jae was a constant in your life. He was always the first person you’d confide in. He was the project leader, that delegated, that stayed late to show you the reins that guided you through the legalities and the PR, and the providing knowledge on office politics that kept you informed.
He was your shoulder to cry on, he was the one to offer a random cup of coffee in the morning and lunch on a bad day. He was the one with the great advice and the life experiences and it was always Kwang’s office and Kwang’s house, and Kwang’s “safe” hugs.
The rebellious side of you that was so proud of throwing Kwang Jae in your parents faces was given one the biggest karmic reality checks. In Sung’s head, how could you complain about the same man?
Of course, you had just brought it on yourself.
But it was also true, that you had never once strayed in that direction.
You acted out of pure love, expecting to have it received in the same manner. Not this.
‘I didn’t deserve it!’ You denied, your hurt pride playing a big part of the statement.
Kwang gave you a pitiful look. ‘Aw, princess.’ He placed his hands on either side of your head as you cowered away. Your skin crawled at his closeness. The atmosphere was heavy and awkward and your breathing got more shallow as he leaned in further, effectively popping your personal bubble. You turned your head, shaking violently against the possibilities of what he could do and wishing for the life of you, you could defend yourself. ‘You don’t really believe that, do you?’ His words ghosted over you. ‘Think about it. All those late nights working, and early morning texts, all the memories we have together…’ His gaze dropped to your lips. ‘How else did you expect me to respond?’
‘Not like that!’ You found the energy to spit the words at him. This was so hard. Addressing it, making it real. ‘I never asked for that.’ You closed your eyes and vehemently denied his manipulation.
You knew yourself. You never thought of him that way.
He hummed. He was calm. Too calm for your liking. ‘I’ve missed you.’ Me too. But the old you. The good you. ‘I’ve missed our talks and our phone calls.’
The good days. Pathetic. You were pathetic! Because some part of you longed for those days back. Some part of you still hoped he would remember that there really were good days and some amazing memories, as a daughter, as a mentee, as a friend. Some part of you wanted him to be better, to stand before you and apologize. Some part of you still fucking cared about him.
And you hated how dirty you felt to even validate those feelings, because in your mind and maybe in general, it invalidated what he did to you. You made it okay. But it was not. It was far from okay. You hated feeling like you were used this whole time – like none of it was real. You hated that you had to deal with the pain, the betrayal, the loss of a father figure all over again.
Above all you longed for this all to be over and act like it never happened just so you didn’t have to suffer through the memory of it. You wished he would look at his actions, his behavior toward you, and think and fucking realize that what he did was wrong.
‘Would it be so hard,’ his one hand lifted a strand of your hair and ran it through his fingers. You wanted to turn away from the sight when he bent his head to sniff it, but you willed yourself to meet his gaze when he was done, ‘to think of me in that way.’ His eyes roved over your face, gauging for a reaction, the intention in them making you want to cower in fear. 'You want me, you just don't know it yet.'
You shook your head as he tucked your hair behind your earlobe and the knuckle of his middle finger brushed against the underside of your ear. You shut your eyes and forcefully opened them again – you wanted to keep your eyes open. You had to see. ‘Years, y/n.’ The backs of his fingers traced over your cheek. ‘Years we spent together. The things I have wanted to do to you. And your pretty breasts.’ He leaned in. ‘And your lips… ‘A satisfied rumble rolled out of him. ‘Years of imagining how you would taste --,’
‘No! Oh god, no. Please, stop.’ Your voice shook as you turned away in revulsion. You wanted to drop to your knees and hide in a ball. The very thought of it, combined with the wetness between your legs from your earlier antics had you feeling sick to your stomach. Namjoon. Internally you begged for your husband, because this was one demon, you couldn’t fight alone. Namjoon, please.
‘I could take care of you, y/n.’ His sincere words made you cringe, unwilling to even fathom the idea he intended to bring across. ‘It could be like befor–,’
‘Y/n.’ Ria’s voice sounded through the hardwood and cut him off. Hope flared within you. ‘Babe, you’ve been in there awfully long.’ The handle turned, but the door didn’t open. Your heart sank. He’d locked the door. She rapped her knuckles on the wood. ‘Y/n, I can’t get in.’
‘Ria, hel -- !’ You yell in a panic and before Kwang covers your mouth with his hand. Ria, please, you screamed in your head.
‘Y/n!’ Ria called and turned the knob with more force.
You pushed at Kwang’s chest, your fear outweighing your disgust when he wouldn’t budge. His hand closed around your throat and pushed your head against the wall. Your eyes watered against the impact. And you blindly scratched and clawed at his hand. You couldn’t open your mouth, you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t even cry out from how hard his thumb and forefinger held onto your jaw.
You squirmed when the hand over your mouth moved between the slit of your dress and his fingers drew a pattern against your inner thigh. Ice tore through you at the sudden reminder - 'No panties?' Kwang smiled crookedly. Finding it sexy. 'Makes this way easier than it needs to be.'
Your husband sure. You would forego underwear anytime. But with this man, you wished you had layers between you.
You cowered hard against the wall, wanting to get away from his touch. ‘Now drop your hands… and tell Ria you’re fine…’ he threatened you, ‘or I go higher.’
It was one thing to want to control you, but deriving pleasure from violence was something you had never experienced with him. He used to say that he loved you, cared for you… it was implied that he would never want to hurt you. But someone who loved you… wouldn’t do this.
You nodded fast, when his hand traced the seam between your inner thigh and vagina. 'You're wet, princess.' He breathes against you. 'Maybe you were built for a bit of pain with your pleasure after all.'
You shook violently and your stomach lurched at his implication. You would do as he said. As long as it bought you some time. He eased his hold on your jaw, but he kept his fingers placed perfectly, just in case you did the opposite of what he asked. ‘I-I’m fine, Ria. Just slipped.’
‘Oh fuck, are you hurt?’ She tried the doorknob again. ‘Are you able to get up? Try to let me in.’
‘I -,’ you yelped when he pinched your inner thigh, ‘-’ll be out in a minute.’
‘If you’re sure,’ Ria’s voice was unsure – and Ria was never unsure. Maybe she knew. Maybe she would get you out.
His fingers danced across your front, a whisper, a warning, and you squirmed, trying to push your body even further into the wall. 'I'm fine!' you repeated more forcefully, in an effort to be convincing.
You waited with baited breath, Kwang’s head inclined towards the door, as he listened to Ria’s footsteps disappear. He dropped his hand from between your dress and covered your mouth as soon as the words were out. ‘That wasn’t so hard,’ his warm breath grazed over your face, ‘was it?’
You swallowed hard against the bile at the back of your throat, trusted your instincts, like the last time and found it in you to bring your knee up, hard.
But he deflected your move by lifting his own leg and blocking your kick with his knee. ‘Ah-ah-ah!’ He tutted. ‘I know you, y/n.’ His nose brushed against yours and squirmed against the wall. 'Not again. Not this time.' Your nostrils burn as you recognize his cologne, a scent that was once so familiar, now repelled you. His eyes were the worst, his smirk, the zest in his features… something… something excited him about you fighting back.
Then you wouldn’t. It was an altogether different thing that some part of you couldn’t. You couldn't... move again. But how did you get out of this then?
His nose traced along your shoulder, inhaling your scent, getting a fill of whatever sick fantasy played in his head.
You clenched your fists at your sides, wanting to fight this, wanting to defend yourself, just to move, just to try, but when you made to move again… you just stood there. Frozen. You wished this would stop. You wished you could ask why he has to hurt you to get his point across and why now, why after all these years. Your eyes pleaded with him as he muffled your words and the panic overwhelmed you as the tears streamed down your face.
Please. Please. Please. You looked to the ceiling, wishing he would stop, wishing this would all be over.
Your nails dug into your skin, you remained unresponsive as his forefinger traced the seam of your dress on the one shoulder. A soft… light… horrifying touch, that teased your skin as his finger followed the strap from one shoulder to the top of your breast.
‘Fight, y/n.’ He egged you on. ‘You always liked to fight. All that spirit, all that fire.’
You grit your teeth. Closing your eyes, you retreated into yourself. Ice. Be ice. You went into that safe space in your mind, the cold state, the unresponsive one. You were in so much pain. Namjoon. Fuck it all to hell, would Namjoon think something else? If you even got out now, would your family even believe you? Would Namjoon think bad of you? Would he not want you anymore?
‘Guess I can admire my handiwork.’ He leered at you. ‘I was the one to tame you. I had to support you. I had to take care of you… some would say I practically raised you. And it was all so good, y/n.’ He sighs regretfully. ‘We had an arrangement, we had a bond… instead of embracing it, you turned your back on me.’
You heard him. But with every word he sounded further away, like ice water, tricking through your veins, until it formed a barrier, between what you were feeling and no feeling at all.
‘You couldn’t think about me, princess? You couldn’t spare me a little gratitude?’
Oh he had no idea, how many days and nights went by, where you felt like you were in the wrong, where you felt like you owed him for being there for you… and thank some sort of sane part of you, that gripped onto the will to distance and heal and take care of your bruised heart.
'But I'm here now,' he sounded like he actually believed that you still needed him, like you did back then. 'And we can pick up where we left off.'
You felt… nothing. Not anymore. The man from your past that you had respected, that you loved as a guardian, that you trusted to care for you… he was gone. In fact, he never really existed.
Funnily enough, it didn’t seem like he was too eager about getting his dick inside you. And your mind may be fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself.
Rape was faster than this right? You cringed internally at your choice of words. But that was what it was… sexual assault, abuse, grooming… rape. His belt would be unbuckled, his pants down his legs… And your mind maybe fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself. It was like he enjoyed… touching you, having access to your body as if he had any right over it. If you were being honest, it felt a bit like mind rape, like having your body respond or not respond physically, because of gentle touches and an emotionally warped connection, but an emotional connection nonetheless that could be drawn from. It made you feel even worse, it made you feel psychotic, because even though every cell in your brain screamed for you to react, your body remained frozen in fear and something… something in you was not pulling away completely. It was disgusting and wrong and you felt betrayed by your own body.
You were not getting out of this one.
And even if you did, you would still be in the wrong. Kwang Jae was a sociable, charismatic, smart, absolutely positive person. That more than made up for a good standing, because he could be that manipulative.
Sniveling openly, uncaring about whether or not he wanted to care, or wanted to hurt you, you realized, after this, you really were going to be all alone, because no one would believe you. Your family wouldn’t want you. Yuna would hate you, blame you, your husband… How could anyone believe in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself? This war inside you, it was exhausting…
You cried against his palm, when his fingertips traced the edge of your dress slit.
‘That’s better.’ He groaned against your cheek when your cries became vocal.
You leaned against the wall so your legs didn’t give out from under you, as you felt a hint of Kwang’s teeth against your shoulder. ‘Come on, princess, give me something. You’re not making this fun.’ A light kiss on your neck, the trail going south. ‘Talk to me, argue with me, just like how you spar with that husband of yours.’
Never! Your blood thrums under your skin and you bite the inside of your cheek to keep yourself quiet, because nobody was allowed to compare themselves with your husband, least of all him.
‘Nothing?’ He lifted his head and gazed at you. ‘No reaction?’ His self-assured smirk chills you to the bone. ‘You must not love him as much as you claim.’ He muses. ‘Maybe all you did was try to replace me with him.’
You finally brought up your fists, struggling against him, a possessive rage in your gut that didn’t know fear, rearing its head when Kim Namjoon was in question.
He catches your wrists in his one free hand and holds them above your head, his elation so apparent it sickened you. ‘That’s more like it.’ He says in a low voice and uses the leverage he has on your hands to get closer to your body, his proximity a suffocating thing.
The air flexes as he leans in…
Wrong. His fingers sought higher, and you couldn’t let him do this to you. Wrong. This was wrong. He was wrong. It was all wrong. His words about your husband somehow woke you up. Your fingers curl back into fists. He's too heavy to push off, but… You bring your head front in a sharp motion, and headbutt him as hard as you possibly can.
He yelps, and clutches the soft bone of his nose and you forego the pain on your head for the freedom of your wrists.
You want to ignore the instinctive feeling, the anger, the rage, the part of you that wants to fight and get you in trouble with him, because you know it would be no use, but you couldn’t ignore it!
Using all of those feelings of motivation, you pulled back your fist and swung as hard as you could, praying to something or the other in the universe that you met your mark. It did just that as you heard flesh meeting flesh.
‘Fuck!’ Kwang exclaimed as he reared back and held his jaw.
You shook with the force of your actions, an internal war causing complete and utter chaos, because he was the closest man you used to have as a father, and the greatest mentor that helped you hone your skills and you would have once done anything to make him proud and make him happy but not this!
You swatted your tears away and watched as he moved his jaw, then laughed. The fucker laughed as his nose bled and it was terrifying. But you felt the adrenaline.
This man exploited you. He used his niece to get close to you, he used his relationship with your father as leverage, work as an excuse and respect, loyalty, love, for his sick mind games to have some sort of control over you, to be revered, and now you knew, you were nothing… but a good piece of ass.
You breathed hard, your vision got clear, and you held your hands in front of you as the burn in the backs of your eyes consumed you in a feral rage you didn’t know you had. You would get out of this, without screaming, or yelling, or however. But you would!
There’s a glint in his eye when he finally makes eye contact with you. A switch from his calm facade turning into something you’ve never seen…something dark and twisted… Kwang lunged for you at the same time that the door swung open – then all hell broke loose.
###
‘Motherfucker! Get your fucking hands off my wife!’ Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his collar and pulled him back away from you.
Damsel in distress bullshit aside, you were so fucking glad to see him. Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his lapels and punched him in the jaw. He was going to do it again when Jin blocked your view.
‘Y/n,’ Jin rushed toward you and cupped your face in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ He searched your face and gave you a once over.
Your face screwed up, a pathetic attempt not to fall apart as you dived in his arms. Jin crushed you to him, just as Ria came up from behind. ‘I’m sorry, I had to, I, he –’
‘It’s okay,’ she caressed your hair and comforted you, checking for any marks or bleeding.
You watched as Kwang fought back, swinging wildly, but your husband was too far gone. Kwang was no match for Namjoon’s height, or his build, not to mention his rage. Namjoon turned Kwang around and slammed him face first into the wall. And he pulled back and did it again. ‘Joon, stop!’ Yoongi grabbed one hand, but Namjoon shrugged him off and did it again, until he heard a crunch of bone. ‘Namjoon!’ Yoongi turned around and pushed at his chest. ‘Stop! Y/n needs you!’
Kwang slumped to the floor and spat blood from his dripping nose. ‘Pretty boy packs quite a punch.’ The fucker was till smiling. It was sadistic.
Years. Fucking years and you had never seen this side. Not even who, but what… what did you trust… how…
‘Shut the fuck up!’ You had never heard Hobi speak like that. He lifted Kwang by his arms with the help of Jungkook and shoved him out of the restroom away from you and Namjoon.
Namjoon whirled on you, and the raw fury in his eyes, made you flinch out of Jin’s hold and back up against the wall. Your husband didn’t back down even then as he approached you. He would never hurt you, but it was till fucking terrifying. ‘What. The fuck. Did he do?’ He grit out.
You bit your lip and avoided eye contact.
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon prompted you again, his nostrils flared but his voice was calmer than you’d like to admit.
‘Joon maybe –,’
Ria was silenced with a look.
You shook your head. You didn’t want to make Namjoon mad, you didn’t want him to look at you with pity, or worse, like you were… damaged. A heaviness settled in your chest when Namjoon stands in front of you, lifts your chin up with two fingers, and something tears into you to see him so upset. His muscles bunched up, his stormy gaze, your husband was in a state and it was all your fault.
Holding onto your forearm, Namjoon crowded you. ‘Baby,’ He dropped his forehead against yours.
Tears welled up and your teeth clamped shut. But as he stared you down, as he coaxed you, and reminded you he was there, that he would handle this, that he would take care of it no matter what it was. For once, or in fact, just like every time, when it came to Kim Namjoon, you gave in.
Your voice shakes, and you purse your lips, as your chest burns. ‘He tried to - to, m-me,’ you lift your hands in an effort to speak clearly, ‘he, tou-, tried to, m-, me.’ Your tremulous tone was a testament to exactly how unsteady you were.
Apparently that was all he needed to hear. Namjoon’s jaw grew impossibly defined, sharper, harder, until his rapid breathing and flared nostrils were too much for even his body to contain. With a snarl, an ugly sound torn from his chest, he turned to walk in the direction of Hobi and Kwang.
‘N-No, don’t go!’ You cried out after him. ‘Namjoon, no!’ You grabbed the end of your dress with your good hand, and ran after him. In this mood, in this rage, even if it was because of you, Namjoon couldn’t do anything to him. He had a reputation to protect.
‘I should kill you for ever touching her!’ Namjoon stormed over to where Hoseok held Kwang by his lapels in the middle of the hall, just passed the music set up and took over, much to the surprise of the onlookers. Surprise because Hoseok initiated it or because Namjoon was enabling such behavior, you didn’t know, you also didn’t care.
‘Do it. Fuck him up!’ Hoseok egged him on. ‘I’ll just say it was self-defense.’
‘I second that.’ Yoongi added.
Yeon and Xan had already decided to back up your family, showing where their loyalty was as they flanked Yoongi.
Kwang’s gaze danced from Hoseok, to Yoongi and back to you. He smiled a bloody smile. ‘One cock isn’t enough for you, y/n? You had to try all?’
You inhaled sharply at the rude insinuation. It wasn’t so much that it was said to you. Being called a whore? Fuck that. But… you looked at the faces of your family, you would never want to hurt them.
Kwang sniggered, seemingly out of sorts, nothing about saving face or keeping up facades. ‘You little bi --,’
Another fist was slammed into Kwang’s jaw, causing him to veer out of Namjoon’s grasp and back a few steps. You covered your mouth with your hands, wondering if everyone had lost their fucking minds.
Before he could gain his balance, Namjoon cut off his air supply, by pushing him against the wall, an arm pushing firmly against his throat as your father got nose to nose with Kwang. ‘Don’t you dare, talk about my daughter that way.’
Nothing could have prepared you, absolutely nothing, to see your father defend you, not verbally, not physically and especially against someone he never had before.
‘Of course, y/n wants all of us,’ Taehyung took the new turn of events in stride, swirled the drink in his hand, ‘she’s building a harem.’
You had a feeling Taehyung only had the drink in his hand because he needed something to do with his hands… or he’d be as wild-card as Hobi was – the sun devoid from the male in question as he paced behind Namjoon.
‘So, yours wouldn’t meet any expectation,’ Jin pointed out casually while playing along.
You made a face. This wasn’t the time to joke.
Kwang struggled against your husband’s hold. ‘Sung -- ,’
‘Shut up!' Sung growled and spat at his feet. 'You turned me against my own daughter, all these years, all this time.'
Kwang’s next words tore your breath from your lungs, the confirmation ripping through an old wound that refused to heal. ‘You knew she was telling the truth,’ Kwang’s teeth were bloody, his nose at an odd angle, but he berated your father nonetheless, ‘You knew! But your company and our partnership… your reputation was too important.’
Your father turned back to look at you, and you saw the truth, the remorse in his eyes. But it was too late. Back then… all you needed was for him to believe you. If he had shown that, you would have saved his reputation, you would have done whatever he asked, you would never be anyone’s problem. That he didn’t, that he chose what was important to him, when you were the one that was supposed to be the priority… it was too late. You let him see your anger, your hurt, your betrayal… and satisfaction washed over you when shame etched its way on his features.
‘We could break you,’ Namjoon threatened, not bothering to stoke old flames, ‘right here, right now for even daring to lay a single finger on my wife.’
‘I’d kill you for even thinking about touching her at all.’ Hoseok glared, his eyes colder than you’d ever seen them. ‘You sick fuck!’ His body trembled in a fury, his breaths becoming sharper as he worked himself up. Yoongi placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing hard.
‘Your friend over here seems angrier than you,’ Kwang aimed the statement at Namjoon, ‘internal politics perhaps.’
‘Fuck you!’ Hoseok spat.
‘Ah,’ Kwang nodded with what little motion he had, ‘A husband who's the leader, a ‘close’ friend that’s almost snarling in possessive ferity, and a band willing to tank everything for one woman… and I’m the one being blamed?’ His tone held incredulity.
It took you a second, the fog in your brain was too much to handle, but you got it at almost the same time everyone else did. He was insinuating that you were a whore. Again.
Hoseok lunged, and Yoongi held him back before he could do anything. But the most surprising defense came from someone else.
’No one,’ A cold hiss like an ice pick dancing across your spine, ‘is allowed to talk about my Noona that way.’ Jungkook’s voice was edgy, grated, a harshness that you would have never expected from him, and the heavy silence that descended after left you reeling from the amount of respect it held.
Tears pricked your eyes.
Kwang hummed. You knew what he was thinking, Jungkook was the youngest, and would be the most vulnerable to manipulation. ‘Y/n, still using your charm as usual,’ Kwang hissed at you, ‘come on, princess, don’t let me take all the blame.’
‘Don’t look at her,’ Jin made a face and embraced you so you were blocked from view.
You stared at Kwang like he was a stranger. This wasn’t the man that grew you up to be strong and smart and encouraged you to live life, this was not your mentor, or your friend… you had to look away. It hurt – it cut deeply, into a wound you had fooled yourself into thinking was scabbed over.
‘Fuck this! Call the police, or get rid of him.’ Taehyung said, as he came up to you, his eyes giving you a once over, stopping at the whiskey stain.
You looked at him, wanting to tell him how sorry you were, but when he met your gaze you saw sadness – a sadness for you… You couldn’t work with sad. Anger was better. But you hated when your family was sad.
‘Yeon and Xan will hide the body…’ Jimin motioned toward them.
‘And everyone here,’ Hoseok spread his arms wide, indicating to the few people around the room, ’will be none the wiser.’
‘I’m right here,’ Kwang grit out, clearly offended that they were talking across him.
‘Who gives a fuck?’ Jimin countered.
Kwang spat blood on the floor, speaking through your father’s strong hold. ‘She’s not worth it.’
A moment suspended in time. You held your breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. But even if it did, it would bear so little impact compared to Yoongi’s next words.
‘Then why does it hurt,’ the stoic male muttered, his face sporting a devilishly satisfied smirk from behind Hobi, a heavy hand still holding onto the usually more optimistic member of the band, ‘that she never, ever once, would even consider … choosing you.’
You winced at the brutal statement, remembering all too well that Yoongi was quiet not only because he had a strong foundation and a good head on his shoulders, but that the yang of that yin combination was an indication of his capability of cruelty.
Kwang’s face turned ugly from the remnants of a badly bruised ego.
Namjoon held a hostile stance, next to your father, all but encouraging any of his actions. A piece of your heart turned over at the idea of them finally being on the same page, but the empty pit of your stomach was too uncomfortable for you to ignore.
The people around you, Yeon and Xan, Ria, your mom… no one stepped in, no one interfered.
Your maknaes, Taehyung, Jimin, even Jungkook, were content to let this carry on, their eyes blazing with a fury on your behalf – a love so true it could bring you to your knees.
You looked up at Jin, suddenly all too aware of his arms, steel bands holding you in place, ready to stand in front of you or hold you to him, but protect you with everything in his power. Your chest felt like lead, at the realization that Kwang could actually die here, no one would stop it, no one would even try.
But your husband was not a killer. Neither was your father, not directly. And your family should not be in the category of aiding and abetting murder.
Even in your own head, it all seemed a tad bit dramatic, but you could feel the tension in the air.
‘Let him go.’ You said in a raspy tone. Everyone turned to you. You could imagine how you looked, terrified, with your hair out of place, make-up stained, but you didn’t back down. ‘Yuna,’ you gulped, ‘can’t know about this.’ You took in a shaky breath. ‘And in order for her not to know… you have to let him go.’
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Hoseok snarled at you. ‘This bastard belongs in jail, or worse.’
You saved the pain from Hobi’s lashing for later as you met Namjoon’s eyes. They were dark, shimmering with fury and the knowledge of what that day had cost you and how much harder it would be after this… but you didn’t back down this time. ‘You got to me in time.’ You implored him with everything in you, showed every vulnerable aspect of you for him to understand that you would have fought this, you would have slayed this demon, if only Yuna’s heart wasn’t on the line. ‘Please.’ It was a plea, to let it be and let it go.
The people around you… you would deal. The questions, the pitiful looks and the shamelessness of it all, but you would handle it from your end – you would rather your life turn upside down, as long as Yuna’s stayed intact. As long as the band could go back to the way they used to be.
‘Who’s to say he won’t tell her himself? Play the victim?’ Ria countered your argument, a disappointment laced in her tone that made your heart even more heavy. ‘Maybe it’s time she knew, y/n.’
‘This is ridiculous, y/n!’ Hoseok shouted at you. ‘Look at the amount of people around you. Look at the witnesses. You can’t live with the fear that she would choose him over you!’
‘Shut up, Hobi!’ You knew he was right, but you hated hearing the truth, you were not strong enough for it at this moment. But as usual, after years of knowing you, vulgarity was not a fresh concept between you.
He wasn’t offended, however, his next words indicated he was clearly incensed. ‘Yuna is not your father!’
‘Hobi,’ Yoongi cautioned as he regarded you.
Hoseok made a frustrated sound and turned away.
‘Hobi’s right…’ Everyone whirled around to find Yuna at the entrance, her arms folded across her chest. ‘I am not your father.’
Your legs buckled, and a pained noise burst through your chest. You would have fallen flat if Jin didn’t hold you against him.
Something… snapped… inside you. It took years, years of silence, years of biting your tongue, years of triggers that you used iron will to keep at bay, to keep hidden from her. Pushing her away, forcing distance, having one of the biggest fights of your life… and it all just came tumbling down in front of you, like a gust of wind on your tower of cards.
Yuna spared you a glance – a multitude of emotions passing between you in the moment. Anger. Fear. Hurt.
‘Yuna,’ Kwang smiles in momentary relief, ‘You wouldn’t believe what they’re accusing me of.’
She tilted her head to the side. ‘What’s that?’
‘They think I tried to hurt, y/n. That I tried to abuse her. Can you believe that– Let go of me Namjoon!’ If you didn’t know any better, you figure your husband must have been pressing on Kwang’s neck with every word he dared to utter.
Yuna says nothing when Namjoon let’s Kwang fall.
Kwang wipes the blood as he stands up and approaches her, limping, making a show of being pitiful. ‘This is clearly y/n. She’s still angry about the Legacy, won't even talk to me,’ he scoffs. Yuna doesn’t even react to him and it only makes Kwang squirm out an explanation.
‘And when I approached her this is how she reacted. Sicced her family on me. It’s quite dramatic if you ask me…’ He shakes his head, glances at you, then looks back at his niece as you wait with baited breath. Only the sound of Kenta’s footsteps could be heard.
Kwang sighed and smiled. ‘You’re not buying any of this are you?’
You stared at him bewildered. Such a bold admission was in tune with his character, but it still caught you off guard.
‘She deserves a bit more credit than that.’
Kenta’s voice made you shudder slightly. He did nothing to mask the underlying threat in it. And if you thought the band was capable of violence in this situation, Kenta, on the other hand, was a different story. His profession thrived on violence, someone who had actually had blood stain his hands, regardless of the reason – he had a penchant for it, not just the potential. He wouldn’t just have to order Xan or Yeon to do the dirty work… he would handle it himself.
Yuna’s nostrils flared and her lip trembled. ‘How could you?’ Her voice was deceptively soft.
‘He’s always been this way, Yu. Even before he fixated on y/n.’
What?
You stared at Kenta, the bomb he’d just dropped leaving debris around you. Kwang had done this before?
Yuna looked up at her husband. ‘You knew.’ It wasn’t a question. She then dropped her head and muttered, ‘Of course you did.’ A reminder that her husband was no ordinary man.
Kwang’s eyebrows drew. He was visibly thrown off at Yuna’s reaction, but he also didn’t back down. ‘He’s lying! He’s lying to save her! Come on, sweetheart. How much time have y/n and I spent together? So many hours, so many memories… You’ve been witness to our interactions.' His voice dropped an octave, coaxing, manipulating. ‘Am I really that insane? She’s always had a thing for me. You can’t deny it.’ He turned to look at you. ‘And she’s always been mine.’
A vile feeling overcame you and had you shuddering in Jin’s hold.
Namjoon’s response was immediate – and violent. He growled as he rushed at Kwang and punched him again, blood sputtering from his mouth and onto your father’s shirt as he fell to the floor. Sung didn’t even flinch. Namjoon grabbed Kwang’s collar, lifting half his body up as he did so, a show of strength that made him seem even less of the calm, collected Namjoon you were accustomed to. ‘Say it again,’ his quiet tone raises the hairs on your nape. ‘Call my wife yours again, I dare you.’
Kwang glared at your husband, but didn’t repeat his words. He didn’t call you his again. Instead he refocused on your father as Kenta pulled Namjoon off him.
‘What’s the matter, Sung? Can’t handle the fact that I was a better father figure?’
‘Father figure?’ Sung scoffed. ‘I hurt her. But not the way you have. I never witnessed a side of y/n that trusted me to keep her safe, she withheld her love. For good reason, of course. But you?’ Sung clicked his tongue. ‘You had a gift in the palm of your hand, and you savaged it – beyond repair.’
‘I did nothing I was not entitled to.’ Kwang decreed, his chin raised a fraction as he made to stand up, swaying on his feet but feeling and showing no remorse, none at all.
Yuna narrowed her gaze. ‘Who are you?’ She asked so quietly, it resonated with an old wounded part of your heart. Because for how long, had you been asking yourself that question?
‘What do you want from me, Yuna? I did my fair share. In fact, I did my best for you and Helen. That doesn’t change. My love for you and your sister will never chan –,’
Yuna held her hand up. ‘It changes everything.’ She went to take a step forward, the betrayal radiating off her in waves, but Kenta moved to stand between them, effectively keeping her in place. ‘You used me.’ The sentence was torn out of her. Oh my Yuna. ‘Used me to get to her.’ She pointed to you.
‘And you played your part so well, like it was some sort of sick game.’ Her face twisted in disdain. ‘So many sleepovers. Family dinners. Work meetings.’ She croaked, as her mind processed every single bit of information to slot next to the truth of her Uncle. ‘Y/n was never safe.’ She accused. ‘Ohmygod, you could have done anything at anytime.’
‘Exactly. And I didn’t. Y/n needed to realize her feelings first.’ He caught the last sentence and latched onto it as if it was of any use to save him. ‘Why are you not factoring y/n into this? Is it really so hard to accept that she came onto me? That she wants me. The signs were there!’
Your face twisted in revulsion because what fucking signs?
Deadly silence coated the air, as if every individual present rejected Kwang’s question all at once.
‘You’re an asshole.’ Ria scoffed and broke the tension. ‘A typical, male, asshole.’
Understatement of the century.
Everyone turned to look at her, but she didn’t flinch under the scrutiny. ‘I was there. The day y/n ran out of the conference room. The minute she walked out of her father’s office, tears streaming down her face…I was there. There was no way, she was in the wrong that day, and I have no doubt you did your best to finish the job today.’ Ria folded her arms, daggers as she stared Kwang down. ‘Either way, y/n would never come onto you. She would never want you.’
‘Loyalty is a respectable trait, Ria. Lying isn’t.’
‘Go fuck yourself,’ she murmured without emotion, dismissing Kwang like he was little less than a fly in the vicinity.
‘He can’t. He’s too busy trying to fuck with everyone else.’ Hoseok’s fury had become leashed… somewhat.
‘What do you mean ‘that day’, Ria?' Yuna asked, confused. 'Which day? What are you talking about?’ Oh no.
You mentally willed for Kenta to meet your eye, somehow protect Yuna from this at least, but when he did, you realized it would be futile. You would no longer be able to protect her. ‘The reason y/n pushed you away, the reason she broke off all contact with Kwang and her father.’
‘He attempted this before.' Kenta confirmed. 'On the Pandora project. She defended herself and got out in time. But the matter never escalated.’ Kenta leveled a glare in your father’s direction. ‘The partners never found it necessary to do so.’
Yuna shot you an incredulous look. ‘This was why you were so distant?’
You looked down. You couldn’t defend yourself.
‘I’m not even surprised with you, Sung.’ Yuna did nothing to hide the malice in her tone. ‘But you, y/n? Keeping this quiet? For all these years? You’re ready to fight the world for someone you love, but didn’t do it for yourself?’ Yuna was shouting now. ‘You retreated into yourself and you were so quiet and so… ‘ Yuna balled up her hands in fists and shook them, ‘so wound up and suffocated.’
‘After you took over…’ Her eyes darted from side to side as she made more connections. ‘No. It was before that.’ She looked up at you. ‘There were changes before that. You didn’t come over anymore. And you always made excuses not to hang out when he was around. You died, y/n.’ Severe words that made too much sense. ‘You died until you took over the company, but even then you were the fucking living dead.’ Her voice broke. ‘You left me.’ Your throat closed up. ‘You pushed me away,’ she cried, ‘because he’d hurt you and you didn’t want to hurt me.’
You shook your head, your throat closing up and your eyes becoming blurry at the devastation you heard in her voice. Don’t cry, you didn’t want her to cry.
‘All these years, y/n. So much pain, so much that you handled alone…’ Yuna stifled a sob as she covered her mouth, ‘And I didn’t know a fucking thing!’ She turned away from you and fell into Kenta’s open arms as she broke down. His hand covered the back of her head easily, shielding her, keeping her close, keeping her safe.
You didn’t know how to fix this. On one hand you wouldn’t change your decision. You didn’t regret not telling her. But now that she knew… you’d never thought this far. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to find out. It was your pain and your trauma and your nightmares – any of those shadows eclipsing any of your loved ones lives was never the plan.
‘You could have told me.’ She said wetly, her voice muffled by Kenta’s coat.
‘It wasn’t your burden to bear.’ I didn’t want to lose you.
‘The hell it wasn’t!’ She broke out of Kenta’s hold and yelled at you. ‘What do you take me for, y/n!’
Frustration surfaced. You would not explain your actions to anyone. No one. No one knew how you felt, no one could feel your pain. ‘No one believed me, Yuna.’
‘I would have believed you!’
‘My own father didn’t even believe me!’
‘I am not your fucking father!’
Sung winced at her tone.
‘You would have believed her over me.’ Kwang questioned his niece.
‘It would have been a punch to the gut,’ Yuna replied, not looking at him, her tone aiming to rub anyone with a semblance of self-respect, the wrong way. ‘But it wouldn’t have cut deeper than knowing I forced y/n through my wedding with her abuser over her shoulder.'
Kwang mouthed the word ‘abuser’ as if he didn’t know what the term meant, as if he wasn’t one. ‘How can you talk to me this way?’
‘Did you not,‘ Yuna raised her voice with every word, her patience worn thin, ‘try to take advantage of my best friend Uncle?’ She spat the familial term as if it was a slur.
Kwang pursed his lips.
Yuna nodded her head in resignation. ‘Exactly.’ She threaded her fingers through Kenta’s. ‘Do what’s necessary.’ There was no room for misunderstanding. Kenta would deal with Kwang Jae.
You swallowed hard. ‘No.’
‘Ignore her.’ Yuna dismissed you. ‘I’m done with this. It’s over. He needs to go.’
‘I said no!’
She screamed back at you. ‘Why! What are you so afraid of?’
The satisfaction of having everything out in the open devolved fast into anxiety. ‘Can’t you see that you have careers in the public eye, reputations to protect! We can’t have this getting out. I don’t want it to get out.’
‘You aren’t alone, y/n.’ Kenta reminded you. ‘And you aren’t in the wrong.’
‘But I would have to deal with it.’
‘Y/n, honey, please –,’ Hobi tried for reason.
You cut him off. ‘Let him go.’
You would not let anyone have a field day with this bullshit. Not now, not ever. Justice meant nothing. You already knew, even if you envisioned Kwang behind bars, it wouldn’t be satisfying… neither would seeing him dead do any good.
That’s what happened when you accepted things as they were. And you have always been able to afford balance on the outside, for the external, for the people around you and for life to go on… all at the expense of your sanity. Because inside you, it was pure carnage. It was all you knew. But you could handle your pain. It was your pain. Your pain would not be anyone else's burden, or entertainment.
Jin looked down at you, his heavy gaze unfolding your ruse into reality. ‘Why are you being like this?’ He asked softly.
You averted your gaze. It was an easy answer. ‘He’s not worth it.’
Jin’s eyes shined with age-old knowledge and unbridled empathy. ‘He’s not worth it, y/n… or you?’
You bit back a retort at the stark honesty in his words. They stung. And some vindictive part of you felt that they were making a mockery of your pain, pushing you to do what was right, showcasing your trauma like it would be a tale of strength. But Jin was right, you didn’t feel the fight for you would be worth it. You would not make it anyone else's problem. There was no room for y/n to be ruining anyone’s life – unintentionally or not.
‘Y/n, you need to do this for yourself babe.’
You shook your head against Ria’s words. Not this time. You were not the heroine, or the damsel that was saved, or the one everyone would look up to because you were ‘so brave’. You would do what felt right for you, regardless of how it looked to anyone else.
‘Y/n don’t give him an out.’ Namjoon spoke so softly, it stripped your heart open. ‘Do you understand, that letting him go,’ Namjoon pointed to Kwang, ‘that letting him walk, after what he’s done, and attempted to do, not once, but twice, that he would be getting exactly what wants.’ Namjoon glared at you. ‘He had the balls to do it, because he knew you would make the call to let him go.’ A shadow passed over his features, ‘If you do this, you would be taking away my right to protect you.’
Yoongi inclined his head. ‘Are you willing to accept the risk of ever seeing him again? He could easily go to the papers, y/n.'
He wouldn’t fuck up his own life. But you didn’t answer Yoongi. Right now, you had no strength and you didn’t care. You wanted this night over with. You wanted to go home.
‘Don’t do this, y/n,’ Hoseok’s voice held a glacial unevenness. A clear sign of how enraged he was, but how much of a tight leash he had on it.
So angry, but still listening to you, still taking your word into account.
‘If you want to put him behind bars… I’ll support you this time,’ your father looked over his shoulder at you.
‘We owe you much more,’ Ra-Mi ran gentle fingers through your hair.
You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t stand it. And it would be logical to find the so-called justice they sought for you, and years earlier it would have made all the difference. But you were married now and it mattered because of who you were married to. You would not put Yuna or the band through any of it. It was too late.
‘Y/n --,’ Yoongi whispered, when he came to stand next to you.
You turned into Jin's chest and hid between his arms. Having no strength to deal with Yoongi’s disappointment. ‘Please, just, let him go. Let him leave.’
‘Hyung, do something.’ Jungkook barked.
No one reprimanded the youngest. No one believed he said anything wrong in the first place. Neither did you. The silence was thick and heavy, until Namjoon spoke.
‘My wife has been through enough tonight.’ His tone was clipped. ‘We should do as she says.’
His words were met with immediate protest.
‘Hyung, you can’t!’ Jimin shouted from beside Jungkook.
‘Namjoon-ah!’ Jin and Yoongi scolded, the eldest clutching you tighter, as if letting Kwang go would somehow endanger you further.
As you turned in Jin’s arms, you focused on your husband, you saw his lip curl back in a silent snarl at his brothers’ contradictions. You couldn’t imagine what Namjoon was going through. A man had his hands on you, to hurt you, to claim, to control… Now his brother’s were disappointed in him. Again.
You met his gaze again, his chest rising and falling in uneven breaths, a final attempt to change your mind.
You whimpered softly and his jaw set… it was answer enough for him, before he shoved Kwang back into the wall.
‘I don’t give a fuck,’ you shut your eyes against Namjoon’s voice, ‘where you go or what you do, but know this, if you ever come near Y/n again, I will make sure you regret it.’ A sound of impact. ‘Do you understand?’
You heard Kwang’s feet flatten against the floor when Namjoon finally let him down.
‘I owe you a lifetime of resentment.’ You heard your father say.
You turned your head in Jin’s arms, wanting to take in the scene before you, wanting to watch him leave.
The disappointment bled from Namjoon, but you didn’t budge, trauma response or not, Kwang needed to fuckoff – you wanted nothing to do with him.
‘We’ll walk you,’ Kwang grimaced at Jimin, most likely observing their age gap and feeling highly disrespected. ‘Make sure you actually leave this time.’
Kwang looked over at you.
‘Move!’ Jimin berated him. The hyung of the maknae line was in no mood to play.
‘That’s a tad disrespectful, don’t you think so, Jimin?’ You rolled your eyes inwardly. You knew him so well. ‘What would your parents think?’
Your eye twitched. The bastard had no right to talk about Jimin’s parents. No one defended the male that cared the most and loved without abandon, but you soon realized that there wasn’t a need.
Jimin walked up to Kwang, despite the height difference, Jimin still managed to look like the more intimidating one. ‘You are more than welcome, to explain your actions, how I am treating you and await their verdict on the matter, but I assure you,’ Jimin’s lips lifted, a chilling glare that had you fisting on Jin’s jacket, ‘They wouldn’t waste even their sympathy on scum like you.’ Jimin’s eyes flashed fire. ‘Now start walking!’ the hyung of the maknae line turned away and muttered, ‘Get you as far away from my family as possible.’
They were almost to the entrance when Yuna spoke. ‘Uncle.’ Four pairs of dress shoes stopped in their tracks.
‘That you are walking out of here on your own, is a statement of how big y/n’s heart is.’ Her voice didn’t waver, not even a little. ‘It’s a clear sign that there could have only been one person to blame for all of this.’
You felt the words caress against the pieces of your broken heart, so delicate. At the same time you felt Yuna’s pain, the brutal decision you knew she’d just made, rebounding off her life in so many ways, she was yet to see the consequences.
‘Understand that if you do anything more, y/n will not be dealing with you, the people surrounding her will. And if it wasn’t clear enough already,’ she spoke to the ground. A sign that it was too painful, and that she had no choice. ‘We are no longer family.’ She swallowed hard. ‘We have nothing more to do with each other.’
You wanted to gauge Kwang’s reaction but you were stuck on Yuna. No other human being would ever give up as much as she had for you, without a second thought, without a shred of regret.
Taehyung sighed. ‘I need more alcohol.’
‘The champagne has a cork in it.’ Jungkook offered, as they flanked Jimin.
‘Oh good,’ Jungkook earned a clap on the back from the hyung that was every bit his best friend and more, ‘it shoots and makes an impact if we aim it in the right direc --,’
Their words died as they left the hall. The joke was dry, unnecessary, but they were reeling from a tragic truth and they would cope the only way they knew how.
You blew out a puff of air against Jin’s suit jacket and he rubbed your back comfortingly.
Something needed to be said, something to fill the silence. The bartenders still hadn’t left, neither did the hall manager and her two staff… you wanted to groan out loud, this was just another media scandal waiting to happen anyway.
Your eyes darted over their forms, as the momentary realization sent you into a panic. Your renewed shaking must have alarmed Jin, because all of a sudden you were out of his arms and he got in your face. ‘Breathe. Breathe for me, it’s okay sweetheart.’
‘Th-they,’ you motioned your head towards the bar, your voice wobbly as you tried to explain.
Yoongi’s eyebrows were scrunched in confusion, but he soon caught on when he looked at the staff. He stepped into your personal space and bent his head to make eye contact with you. ‘We’ll handle it.’
‘Wh-,’ Jin started, but Yoongi explained the situation in a hushed whisper before making his way over to the bar.
Ria was already way ahead of them as she made her way to the hall manager.
Yeon and Xan regarded you silently. You didn’t have it in you to look them in the eye. Not yet.
‘Y/n,’ Sung came up to you.
You shook your head vehemently. ‘No.’ As grateful as you were, you couldn’t deal with him right now. ‘No, please, I can’t.’ You couldn’t hear it. You couldn’t process it. ‘Whatever it is.’
It was too much. It was all too much.
‘Please listen to me,’ your father begged as he caught your elbow.
You shoved him away, taking Jin with you when you reared back. ‘I was so scared!’ You shouted, your voice rebounding off the walls as you ripped yourself open letting Sung Y/l/n hear the honest truth. ‘I was alone and I was scared!’ You repeated yourself, admitting to weakness when you never had. ‘And I needed you and you were never there! You weren’t there for me!'
Your father shrunk into himself at your outburst. Your mother cried harder next to him and you wanted to comfort her but with what? With what strength, with what stability? You had nothing, you were shattered from the inside out.
‘Just once, just once,’ you held your two fingers together in front of his face, ‘if you gave me a sign, that you believed me…’
‘I moved you from his department.’ Sung attempted to justify himself. ‘I changed your roles. I let you work independently, surpassing everyone’s expectations.’
You narrowed your gaze. ‘Am I supposed to fucking thank you?’ An acrid taste from your brutal words set in the back of your throat.
‘Please, y/n, I didn’t kn – , I –, I was trying to do what was bes –,’
‘Don’t you dare!’ Your forehead creased in an effort to keep frustrated tears at bay. ‘Don’t you dare, say you did anything for me. A punch and suddenly siding with me will not change what you've done!' Your face screwed up and a feeble sound made its way out of your throat. ‘Your own daughter!’ You cried openly.
‘I know! But he had major shares! He would have ripped everything away from us!’
‘He already did.’ Your mother’s words were filled with malice. And in another time you would have been able to appreciate them. But not as you stared at your father, a man who had put his company and his money and his reputation above your life, and after all of it was still making excuses – Sung Y/l/n, who had never and would never be your Dad.
‘All of this is because of you. All of it!’ You inhaled sharply, suddenly realizing that words would never get through his defenses. He would never see how much his decisions had cost him. Pure venom coated your next words. ‘It's too fucking late.’
It was nothing. Words a petulant child could have easily said. But you had nothing else left in you. You were done. Just done. Pulling away from Jin, you ran out of the hall as sobs bubbled out of your throat. You heard shouts behind you, but you were beyond caring. You didn’t care where you were going or how, or of who followed you, but you walked across the parking lot toward the open field opposite the hall. The snow was thick and your boots sunk right in, but you ran and then you walked until your breathing was labored and the cold poked at your skin… and your legs finally gave out from under you.
Your legs, exposed from the high slit, were frozen solid. Your dress was wet, so was your hair, but you couldn’t care less about appearances.
The wedding was the only big thing on your checklist for the day, and that went as well as it could have. Ria and the guys would sort out specifics. Kwang… a sob threatened to rip from your throat as you felt phantom fingers between your legs. Kwang was gone. Yuna… you would talk to her. Maybe, just maybe things would go back to normal.
‘Aah!’ You pulled away when a warm hand touched your shoulder. You looked up to find your husband looming over you. You reared back, away from him, away from his touch.
‘Y/n,’ Namjoon leaned toward you.
You avoided him by scooching further away. ‘Don’t touch me.’
Hurt clouded his features. ‘Baby --,’
‘No,’ you shook your head at him.
‘Y/n.’
You turn around to find Kenta behind you. When did he get to you? Were you so out of sorts?
Kenta bent down and rested in the snow. You winced visibly when he curled a protective arm around your shoulders. If he noticed, he didn’t show it as his other hand grabbed the wet trail of your dress, covered the exposed portion of your legs and rested his palm on your knee.
Taking deep breaths as you reminded yourself that he was checking for any injuries, a usual once over that was second nature, Kenta was safe and his touch was safe, it was a mantra until you eventually covered his hand with yours.
‘I’m fine,’ you reassured him. ‘I’m okay.’
Kenta pressed a kiss to your forehead, his movements tentative. ‘No, sweetheart.’ A term of endearment… ‘You’re not.’
You choked as his words slammed into you. Your eyes shut tight, to push away tears that were furious and unrelenting.
‘I’m sorry, Kenta. I’m so sorry!’ Kenta rocked you lightly as you lost control, your sobs becoming uncontrollable.
Why you? Why? You would never wish such things on anyone else, but why? You were not so strong. You had so much to be grateful for and you knew you were loved and there was so much to look forward to but… sometimes the pain was too much. Freshly wounded, bleeding and broken… when you were just now finding yourself, finding your husband…
You had little less of your youth left, no children, no responsibility that could not be handed over or handled… the burn under your skin and the agony that had no name turned you inside out. Was there really a need to recover from this? If you could just keep your eyes closed… if you could scream until your voice was silent… if you stopped breathing… if you just gave up…
A heat seeped through your boot by the ankle. You opened your eyes to find Namjoon crouching in front of you, trying to anchor you. You pulled your knees in toward your body and crushed your side into Kenta’s chest. ‘You can’t.’ You managed to gasp out.
Namjoon’s eyes narrowed.
‘You can’t touch me. He touched me.’
Without warning Namjoon surged forward, grabbed you by your arms and hauled you into his chest.
‘Joon –,’ You heard Kenta warn tightly. But you were beyond logic.
‘You don’t know,’ you cry out and push against Namjoon’s chest. You wince in pain when you remember your injured palm.
Nevertheless, you struggle until he slammed his mouth against yours. His kiss was hard, hurtful, but all consuming, you could taste the anger on his tongue. ‘Don’t piss me off, y/n,’ he growled against your lips when you pulled away. Breathing hard, he touched his forehead to yours and held you close to him. His palm casing your cheek. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you, baby.’
‘You don’t understand!’ Your chest splintered, your eyes burned with tears that wet your face and your hair and your insides screamed in helplessness – you always had doubts, insecurities about being good enough for Namjoon… now you knew, you never would be.
‘No, you don’t understand!’ He roared. ‘You said you were mine, just a few hours ago! You declared it, y/n. No matter what happens, or what we have to go through, we do it together! So don’t you dare push me away now.’ His voice dropped, and the pain you felt emanating from him threatened even the softest corners of your heart. ‘Don’t you dare. Not because of him. Not for anything.’
The ringing in your skull and the storm in your chest didn’t let up. ‘He touched me! He held his hand over my mouth and he tried to touch me,’ you vehemently confessed in a panic. ‘Tell me you can kiss me, Namjoon, touch me, have sex with me and not see what you walked into, not see him!’
Namjoon’s eyes were wild with emotion, his need to hold you to him, to anchor you, a palpable thing.
‘Because all I see is you! You, y/n. My wife, my love, my everything. The pain, the hurt, I want to take every bit of pain he’s caused and I want to make it better! I want to make it better! I will make it better! You were never his, y/n! You are and will always be mine! Nothing and no one can fucking threaten that.
Now, it’s fucking freezing cold, so we need to head back and we need to head home.’ He softened his hold. ‘Please, let’s go home.’
He didn’t understand. Fuck, he didn’t know, that the worst of it wasn’t the physical assault, it was the mental manipulation and every single shaky foundation in your head just fell out from under you. You didn’t know how to deal with that. ‘Namjoon, please,’ you gave up the fight and sobbed into his jacket.
His hands held you to him. ‘I’ll do anything you want, okay? I promise. But I need to get you home, away from here and away from everyone else. Please, just let me take you home.’
You dropped your forehead against his chest and sunk into his hold. You hated this. You hated the guilt of how at home you felt in the safe heat of his arms. His strength, his joy and his love… Because here you were…less, parts of you severed, and your whole psyche fractured on a level you knew, you knew you would never come back from.
Love. You loved him too much. You loved this man more than you thought you were ever capable of and you had chosen him over everything. Despite it all, you believed that he deserved someone whole, someone who could give him all of them, someone untainted. In your head you whimpered, because you didn’t have it in you to give him up.
The only question was whether he could bear this burden with you.
No. There was no question. Either way, you knew the answer. Like you knew Namjoon.
But would it grow to be a painful silence between you? A sore subject. A flaw you couldn’t help, a shortcoming you couldn’t change. With every jagged beat of your heart would you have to question the possibility, the fear… that he would one day choose to put that burden down.
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Borderline Assault(Sexual); Attempted Assault(Sexual); Explicit Sexual Implications; Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Panic; Dissociation; Self-deprecation; Blood and Violence; Angry/ Protective Namjoon; A very very angry band;
Word Count - 11.3k
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Additional Warnings - Graphic Depiction of Sexual Assault; Intent of Sexual Abuse; Rage; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate; Violence! Blood; Injury; Verbal Humiliation; Narcissistic Behaviour; Mentions of Grooming; (Implied) Unhealthy Obsession); Explicit Language;
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A/N - This is it. The following update may have potential triggers for psychological trauma not only on the OC but on the reader. It was hard to write. It was hard to read. It was hard to finalize. Please understand that the following chapter contains a complete representation of OC's current psyche and mental state as she goes through the intended events. PLEASE!! Proceed with caution as this whole update is a MAJOR trigger warning.
The following update contains scenes of a graphic sexual intent. To bypass the scene scroll through the first portion and read AFTER the '###' in red.
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‘I said. I Was. Not. Done.’
‘Oh God, no.’ Your voice sounded brittle, even to your own ears. Please, no! ‘Get out!’
Kwang calmly leaned against the door. The only exit, the only way out considering all the windows around you would barely fit a big dog, let alone a person through. He regarded you silently, making no move to do anything you’d asked, or anything you wished.
‘Don’t you think I’ve noticed the dirty looks, y/n? The hostile personalities from idols that are a staple for being polite, for being civil. The minimal words from your head of security, that mind you, answered only to me once upon a time.’ He stalked you, with each added sentence, speaking softly… smoothly. The tone grating against your nerves. ‘Haven’t you learned enough from trying to tell your father?’ His pity filled gaze made you feel small until he gave it up and shook his head.
His easy going stance fell away and his hard stare made you tremble a little. ‘It’s not their business, y/n and it’s not such a big deal.’ Hard features immediately softening, coaxing… confining. ‘Let’s face it, princess,’ he narrowed his gaze and you stepped back as he got closer, ‘did you not think, maybe for one minute, that you deserved it?’
You shook your head. But even you couldn’t deny that you had had your doubts. Because you did think that. You spent days, nights, going back in time, agonizing over how you carried yourself, how you portray yourself, if you had ever, even once, given any indication that would motivate his actions. You always came up short. Because in your head, you never had any sexual intention. Nothing you said or did with regards to Kwang, was even remotely sexual.
‘I didn’t,’ you breathed out and shook your head. You flinched as your back hit the wall.
There was something wrong with you… you used to think so. Because why would your own father not believe you. You internalized it all, every bad thing, every mistake… was a failing on your part, by association, a failure for your Sung Y/l/n. By being a failure, maybe it didn’t make sense, but maybe you deserved what happened to you.
Why were you the wrong one, the bad one, the attention seeker… As some of your co-workers pointed out, ‘the hard-up bitch in heat’. Yeah, you’d heard the rumors, you dealt with the judgemental looks and harsh whispers. You were the best intern, and you moved up the ranks by both nepotism and knowing how to do your job – neither of which was well received by colleagues.
In the end it was your fault that Sung didn’t believe you or at least, didn’t do anything about it.
Before everything had happened, Kwang Jae was a constant in your life. He was always the first person you’d confide in. He was the project leader, that delegated, that stayed late to show you the reins that guided you through the legalities and the PR, and the providing knowledge on office politics that kept you informed.
He was your shoulder to cry on, he was the one to offer a random cup of coffee in the morning and lunch on a bad day. He was the one with the great advice and the life experiences and it was always Kwang’s office and Kwang’s house, and Kwang’s “safe” hugs.
The rebellious side of you that was so proud of throwing Kwang Jae in your parents faces was given one the biggest karmic reality checks. In Sung’s head, how could you complain about the same man?
Of course, you had just brought it on yourself.
But it was also true, that you had never once strayed in that direction.
You acted out of pure love, expecting to have it received in the same manner. Not this.
‘I didn’t deserve it!’ You denied, your hurt pride playing a big part of the statement.
Kwang gave you a pitiful look. ‘Aw, princess.’ He placed his hands on either side of your head as you cowered away. Your skin crawled at his closeness. The atmosphere was heavy and awkward and your breathing got more shallow as he leaned in further, effectively popping your personal bubble. You turned your head, shaking violently against the possibilities of what he could do and wishing for the life of you, you could defend yourself. ‘You don’t really believe that, do you?’ His words ghosted over you. ‘Think about it. All those late nights working, and early morning texts, all the memories we have together…’ His gaze dropped to your lips. ‘How else did you expect me to respond?’
‘Not like that!’ You found the energy to spit the words at him. This was so hard. Addressing it, making it real. ‘I never asked for that.’ You closed your eyes and vehemently denied his manipulation.
You knew yourself. You never thought of him that way.
He hummed. He was calm. Too calm for your liking. ‘I’ve missed you.’ Me too. But the old you. The good you. ‘I’ve missed our talks and our phone calls.’
The good days. Pathetic. You were pathetic! Because some part of you longed for those days back. Some part of you still hoped he would remember that there really were good days and some amazing memories, as a daughter, as a mentee, as a friend. Some part of you wanted him to be better, to stand before you and apologize. Some part of you still fucking cared about him.
And you hated how dirty you felt to even validate those feelings, because in your mind and maybe in general, it invalidated what he did to you. You made it okay. But it was not. It was far from okay. You hated feeling like you were used this whole time – like none of it was real. You hated that you had to deal with the pain, the betrayal, the loss of a father figure all over again.
Above all you longed for this all to be over and act like it never happened just so you didn’t have to suffer through the memory of it. You wished he would look at his actions, his behavior toward you, and think and fucking realize that what he did was wrong.
‘Would it be so hard,’ his one hand lifted a strand of your hair and ran it through his fingers. You wanted to turn away from the sight when he bent his head to sniff it, but you willed yourself to meet his gaze when he was done, ‘to think of me in that way.’ His eyes roved over your face, gauging for a reaction, the intention in them making you want to cower in fear. 'You want me, you just don't know it yet.'
You shook your head as he tucked your hair behind your earlobe and the knuckle of his middle finger brushed against the underside of your ear. You shut your eyes and forcefully opened them again – you wanted to keep your eyes open. You had to see. ‘Years, y/n.’ The backs of his fingers traced over your cheek. ‘Years we spent together. The things I have wanted to do to you. And your pretty breasts.’ He leaned in. ‘And your lips… ‘A satisfied rumble rolled out of him. ‘Years of imagining how you would taste --,’
‘No! Oh god, no. Please, stop.’ Your voice shook as you turned away in revulsion. You wanted to drop to your knees and hide in a ball. The very thought of it, combined with the wetness between your legs from your earlier antics had you feeling sick to your stomach. Namjoon. Internally you begged for your husband, because this was one demon, you couldn’t fight alone. Namjoon, please.
‘I could take care of you, y/n.’ His sincere words made you cringe, unwilling to even fathom the idea he intended to bring across. ‘It could be like befor–,’
‘Y/n.’ Ria’s voice sounded through the hardwood and cut him off. Hope flared within you. ‘Babe, you’ve been in there awfully long.’ The handle turned, but the door didn’t open. Your heart sank. He’d locked the door. She rapped her knuckles on the wood. ‘Y/n, I can’t get in.’
‘Ria, hel -- !’ You yell in a panic and before Kwang covers your mouth with his hand. Ria, please, you screamed in your head.
‘Y/n!’ Ria called and turned the knob with more force.
You pushed at Kwang’s chest, your fear outweighing your disgust when he wouldn’t budge. His hand closed around your throat and pushed your head against the wall. Your eyes watered against the impact. And you blindly scratched and clawed at his hand. You couldn’t open your mouth, you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t even cry out from how hard his thumb and forefinger held onto your jaw.
You squirmed when the hand over your mouth moved between the slit of your dress and his fingers drew a pattern against your inner thigh. Ice tore through you at the sudden reminder - 'No panties?' Kwang smiled crookedly. Finding it sexy. 'Makes this way easier than it needs to be.'
Your husband sure. You would forego underwear anytime. But with this man, you wished you had layers between you.
You cowered hard against the wall, wanting to get away from his touch. ‘Now drop your hands… and tell Ria you’re fine…’ he threatened you, ‘or I go higher.’
It was one thing to want to control you, but deriving pleasure from violence was something you had never experienced with him. He used to say that he loved you, cared for you… it was implied that he would never want to hurt you. But someone who loved you… wouldn’t do this.
You nodded fast, when his hand traced the seam between your inner thigh and vagina. 'You're wet, princess.' He breathes against you. 'Maybe you were built for a bit of pain with your pleasure after all.'
You shook violently and your stomach lurched at his implication. You would do as he said. As long as it bought you some time. He eased his hold on your jaw, but he kept his fingers placed perfectly, just in case you did the opposite of what he asked. ‘I-I’m fine, Ria. Just slipped.’
‘Oh fuck, are you hurt?’ She tried the doorknob again. ‘Are you able to get up? Try to let me in.’
‘I -,’ you yelped when he pinched your inner thigh, ‘-’ll be out in a minute.’
‘If you’re sure,’ Ria’s voice was unsure – and Ria was never unsure. Maybe she knew. Maybe she would get you out.
His fingers danced across your front, a whisper, a warning, and you squirmed, trying to push your body even further into the wall. 'I'm fine!' you repeated more forcefully, in an effort to be convincing.
You waited with baited breath, Kwang’s head inclined towards the door, as he listened to Ria’s footsteps disappear. He dropped his hand from between your dress and covered your mouth as soon as the words were out. ‘That wasn’t so hard,’ his warm breath grazed over your face, ‘was it?’
You swallowed hard against the bile at the back of your throat, trusted your instincts, like the last time and found it in you to bring your knee up, hard.
But he deflected your move by lifting his own leg and blocking your kick with his knee. ‘Ah-ah-ah!’ He tutted. ‘I know you, y/n.’ His nose brushed against yours and squirmed against the wall. 'Not again. Not this time.' Your nostrils burn as you recognize his cologne, a scent that was once so familiar, now repelled you. His eyes were the worst, his smirk, the zest in his features… something… something excited him about you fighting back.
Then you wouldn’t. It was an altogether different thing that some part of you couldn’t. You couldn't... move again. But how did you get out of this then?
His nose traced along your shoulder, inhaling your scent, getting a fill of whatever sick fantasy played in his head.
You clenched your fists at your sides, wanting to fight this, wanting to defend yourself, just to move, just to try, but when you made to move again… you just stood there. Frozen. You wished this would stop. You wished you could ask why he has to hurt you to get his point across and why now, why after all these years. Your eyes pleaded with him as he muffled your words and the panic overwhelmed you as the tears streamed down your face.
Please. Please. Please. You looked to the ceiling, wishing he would stop, wishing this would all be over.
Your nails dug into your skin, you remained unresponsive as his forefinger traced the seam of your dress on the one shoulder. A soft… light… horrifying touch, that teased your skin as his finger followed the strap from one shoulder to the top of your breast.
‘Fight, y/n.’ He egged you on. ‘You always liked to fight. All that spirit, all that fire.’
You grit your teeth. Closing your eyes, you retreated into yourself. Ice. Be ice. You went into that safe space in your mind, the cold state, the unresponsive one. You were in so much pain. Namjoon. Fuck it all to hell, would Namjoon think something else? If you even got out now, would your family even believe you? Would Namjoon think bad of you? Would he not want you anymore?
‘Guess I can admire my handiwork.’ He leered at you. ‘I was the one to tame you. I had to support you. I had to take care of you… some would say I practically raised you. And it was all so good, y/n.’ He sighs regretfully. ‘We had an arrangement, we had a bond… instead of embracing it, you turned your back on me.’
You heard him. But with every word he sounded further away, like ice water, tricking through your veins, until it formed a barrier, between what you were feeling and no feeling at all.
‘You couldn’t think about me, princess? You couldn’t spare me a little gratitude?’
Oh he had no idea, how many days and nights went by, where you felt like you were in the wrong, where you felt like you owed him for being there for you… and thank some sort of sane part of you, that gripped onto the will to distance and heal and take care of your bruised heart.
'But I'm here now,' he sounded like he actually believed that you still needed him, like you did back then. 'And we can pick up where we left off.'
You felt… nothing. Not anymore. The man from your past that you had respected, that you loved as a guardian, that you trusted to care for you… he was gone. In fact, he never really existed.
Funnily enough, it didn’t seem like he was too eager about getting his dick inside you. And your mind may be fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself.
Rape was faster than this right? You cringed internally at your choice of words. But that was what it was… sexual assault, abuse, grooming… rape. His belt would be unbuckled, his pants down his legs… And your mind maybe fuzzy, and back then it felt every bit like he wanted to force himself on you, which he did… but now… he was pacing himself. It was like he enjoyed… touching you, having access to your body as if he had any right over it. If you were being honest, it felt a bit like mind rape, like having your body respond or not respond physically, because of gentle touches and an emotionally warped connection, but an emotional connection nonetheless that could be drawn from. It made you feel even worse, it made you feel psychotic, because even though every cell in your brain screamed for you to react, your body remained frozen in fear and something… something in you was not pulling away completely. It was disgusting and wrong and you felt betrayed by your own body.
You were not getting out of this one.
And even if you did, you would still be in the wrong. Kwang Jae was a sociable, charismatic, smart, absolutely positive person. That more than made up for a good standing, because he could be that manipulative.
Sniveling openly, uncaring about whether or not he wanted to care, or wanted to hurt you, you realized, after this, you really were going to be all alone, because no one would believe you. Your family wouldn’t want you. Yuna would hate you, blame you, your husband… How could anyone believe in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself? This war inside you, it was exhausting…
You cried against his palm, when his fingertips traced the edge of your dress slit.
‘That’s better.’ He groaned against your cheek when your cries became vocal.
You leaned against the wall so your legs didn’t give out from under you, as you felt a hint of Kwang’s teeth against your shoulder. ‘Come on, princess, give me something. You’re not making this fun.’ A light kiss on your neck, the trail going south. ‘Talk to me, argue with me, just like how you spar with that husband of yours.’
Never! Your blood thrums under your skin and you bite the inside of your cheek to keep yourself quiet, because nobody was allowed to compare themselves with your husband, least of all him.
‘Nothing?’ He lifted his head and gazed at you. ‘No reaction?’ His self-assured smirk chills you to the bone. ‘You must not love him as much as you claim.’ He muses. ‘Maybe all you did was try to replace me with him.’
You finally brought up your fists, struggling against him, a possessive rage in your gut that didn’t know fear, rearing its head when Kim Namjoon was in question.
He catches your wrists in his one free hand and holds them above your head, his elation so apparent it sickened you. ‘That’s more like it.’ He says in a low voice and uses the leverage he has on your hands to get closer to your body, his proximity a suffocating thing.
The air flexes as he leans in…
Wrong. His fingers sought higher, and you couldn’t let him do this to you. Wrong. This was wrong. He was wrong. It was all wrong. His words about your husband somehow woke you up. Your fingers curl back into fists. He's too heavy to push off, but… You bring your head front in a sharp motion, and headbutt him as hard as you possibly can.
He yelps, and clutches the soft bone of his nose and you forego the pain on your head for the freedom of your wrists.
You want to ignore the instinctive feeling, the anger, the rage, the part of you that wants to fight and get you in trouble with him, because you know it would be no use, but you couldn’t ignore it!
Using all of those feelings of motivation, you pulled back your fist and swung as hard as you could, praying to something or the other in the universe that you met your mark. It did just that as you heard flesh meeting flesh.
‘Fuck!’ Kwang exclaimed as he reared back and held his jaw.
You shook with the force of your actions, an internal war causing complete and utter chaos, because he was the closest man you used to have as a father, and the greatest mentor that helped you hone your skills and you would have once done anything to make him proud and make him happy but not this!
You swatted your tears away and watched as he moved his jaw, then laughed. The fucker laughed as his nose bled and it was terrifying. But you felt the adrenaline.
This man exploited you. He used his niece to get close to you, he used his relationship with your father as leverage, work as an excuse and respect, loyalty, love, for his sick mind games to have some sort of control over you, to be revered, and now you knew, you were nothing… but a good piece of ass.
You breathed hard, your vision got clear, and you held your hands in front of you as the burn in the backs of your eyes consumed you in a feral rage you didn’t know you had. You would get out of this, without screaming, or yelling, or however. But you would!
There’s a glint in his eye when he finally makes eye contact with you. A switch from his calm facade turning into something you’ve never seen…something dark and twisted… Kwang lunged for you at the same time that the door swung open – then all hell broke loose.
###
‘Motherfucker! Get your fucking hands off my wife!’ Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his collar and pulled him back away from you.
Damsel in distress bullshit aside, you were so fucking glad to see him. Namjoon grabbed Kwang by his lapels and punched him in the jaw. He was going to do it again when Jin blocked your view.
‘Y/n,’ Jin rushed toward you and cupped your face in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ He searched your face and gave you a once over.
Your face screwed up, a pathetic attempt not to fall apart as you dived in his arms. Jin crushed you to him, just as Ria came up from behind. ‘I’m sorry, I had to, I, he –’
‘It’s okay,’ she caressed your hair and comforted you, checking for any marks or bleeding.
You watched as Kwang fought back, swinging wildly, but your husband was too far gone. Kwang was no match for Namjoon’s height, or his build, not to mention his rage. Namjoon turned Kwang around and slammed him face first into the wall. And he pulled back and did it again. ‘Joon, stop!’ Yoongi grabbed one hand, but Namjoon shrugged him off and did it again, until he heard a crunch of bone. ‘Namjoon!’ Yoongi turned around and pushed at his chest. ‘Stop! Y/n needs you!’
Kwang slumped to the floor and spat blood from his dripping nose. ‘Pretty boy packs quite a punch.’ The fucker was till smiling. It was sadistic.
Years. Fucking years and you had never seen this side. Not even who, but what… what did you trust… how…
‘Shut the fuck up!’ You had never heard Hobi speak like that. He lifted Kwang by his arms with the help of Jungkook and shoved him out of the restroom away from you and Namjoon.
Namjoon whirled on you, and the raw fury in his eyes, made you flinch out of Jin’s hold and back up against the wall. Your husband didn’t back down even then as he approached you. He would never hurt you, but it was till fucking terrifying. ‘What. The fuck. Did he do?’ He grit out.
You bit your lip and avoided eye contact.
‘Y/n.’ Namjoon prompted you again, his nostrils flared but his voice was calmer than you’d like to admit.
‘Joon maybe –,’
Ria was silenced with a look.
You shook your head. You didn’t want to make Namjoon mad, you didn’t want him to look at you with pity, or worse, like you were… damaged. A heaviness settled in your chest when Namjoon stands in front of you, lifts your chin up with two fingers, and something tears into you to see him so upset. His muscles bunched up, his stormy gaze, your husband was in a state and it was all your fault.
Holding onto your forearm, Namjoon crowded you. ‘Baby,’ He dropped his forehead against yours.
Tears welled up and your teeth clamped shut. But as he stared you down, as he coaxed you, and reminded you he was there, that he would handle this, that he would take care of it no matter what it was. For once, or in fact, just like every time, when it came to Kim Namjoon, you gave in.
Your voice shakes, and you purse your lips, as your chest burns. ‘He tried to - to, m-me,’ you lift your hands in an effort to speak clearly, ‘he, tou-, tried to, m-, me.’ Your tremulous tone was a testament to exactly how unsteady you were.
Apparently that was all he needed to hear. Namjoon’s jaw grew impossibly defined, sharper, harder, until his rapid breathing and flared nostrils were too much for even his body to contain. With a snarl, an ugly sound torn from his chest, he turned to walk in the direction of Hobi and Kwang.
‘N-No, don’t go!’ You cried out after him. ‘Namjoon, no!’ You grabbed the end of your dress with your good hand, and ran after him. In this mood, in this rage, even if it was because of you, Namjoon couldn’t do anything to him. He had a reputation to protect.
‘I should kill you for ever touching her!’ Namjoon stormed over to where Hoseok held Kwang by his lapels in the middle of the hall, just passed the music set up and took over, much to the surprise of the onlookers. Surprise because Hoseok initiated it or because Namjoon was enabling such behavior, you didn’t know, you also didn’t care.
‘Do it. Fuck him up!’ Hoseok egged him on. ‘I’ll just say it was self-defense.’
‘I second that.’ Yoongi added.
Yeon and Xan had already decided to back up your family, showing where their loyalty was as they flanked Yoongi.
Kwang’s gaze danced from Hoseok, to Yoongi and back to you. He smiled a bloody smile. ‘One cock isn’t enough for you, y/n? You had to try all?’
You inhaled sharply at the rude insinuation. It wasn’t so much that it was said to you. Being called a whore? Fuck that. But… you looked at the faces of your family, you would never want to hurt them.
Kwang sniggered, seemingly out of sorts, nothing about saving face or keeping up facades. ‘You little bi --,’
Another fist was slammed into Kwang’s jaw, causing him to veer out of Namjoon’s grasp and back a few steps. You covered your mouth with your hands, wondering if everyone had lost their fucking minds.
Before he could gain his balance, Namjoon cut off his air supply, by pushing him against the wall, an arm pushing firmly against his throat as your father got nose to nose with Kwang. ‘Don’t you dare, talk about my daughter that way.’
Nothing could have prepared you, absolutely nothing, to see your father defend you, not verbally, not physically and especially against someone he never had before.
‘Of course, y/n wants all of us,’ Taehyung took the new turn of events in stride, swirled the drink in his hand, ‘she’s building a harem.’
You had a feeling Taehyung only had the drink in his hand because he needed something to do with his hands… or he’d be as wild-card as Hobi was – the sun devoid from the male in question as he paced behind Namjoon.
‘So, yours wouldn’t meet any expectation,’ Jin pointed out casually while playing along.
You made a face. This wasn’t the time to joke.
Kwang struggled against your husband’s hold. ‘Sung -- ,’
‘Shut up!' Sung growled and spat at his feet. 'You turned me against my own daughter, all these years, all this time.'
Kwang’s next words tore your breath from your lungs, the confirmation ripping through an old wound that refused to heal. ‘You knew she was telling the truth,’ Kwang’s teeth were bloody, his nose at an odd angle, but he berated your father nonetheless, ‘You knew! But your company and our partnership… your reputation was too important.’
Your father turned back to look at you, and you saw the truth, the remorse in his eyes. But it was too late. Back then… all you needed was for him to believe you. If he had shown that, you would have saved his reputation, you would have done whatever he asked, you would never be anyone’s problem. That he didn’t, that he chose what was important to him, when you were the one that was supposed to be the priority… it was too late. You let him see your anger, your hurt, your betrayal… and satisfaction washed over you when shame etched its way on his features.
‘We could break you,’ Namjoon threatened, not bothering to stoke old flames, ‘right here, right now for even daring to lay a single finger on my wife.’
‘I’d kill you for even thinking about touching her at all.’ Hoseok glared, his eyes colder than you’d ever seen them. ‘You sick fuck!’ His body trembled in a fury, his breaths becoming sharper as he worked himself up. Yoongi placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing hard.
‘Your friend over here seems angrier than you,’ Kwang aimed the statement at Namjoon, ‘internal politics perhaps.’
‘Fuck you!’ Hoseok spat.
‘Ah,’ Kwang nodded with what little motion he had, ‘A husband who's the leader, a ‘close’ friend that’s almost snarling in possessive ferity, and a band willing to tank everything for one woman… and I’m the one being blamed?’ His tone held incredulity.
It took you a second, the fog in your brain was too much to handle, but you got it at almost the same time everyone else did. He was insinuating that you were a whore. Again.
Hoseok lunged, and Yoongi held him back before he could do anything. But the most surprising defense came from someone else.
’No one,’ A cold hiss like an ice pick dancing across your spine, ‘is allowed to talk about my Noona that way.’ Jungkook’s voice was edgy, grated, a harshness that you would have never expected from him, and the heavy silence that descended after left you reeling from the amount of respect it held.
Tears pricked your eyes.
Kwang hummed. You knew what he was thinking, Jungkook was the youngest, and would be the most vulnerable to manipulation. ‘Y/n, still using your charm as usual,’ Kwang hissed at you, ‘come on, princess, don’t let me take all the blame.’
‘Don’t look at her,’ Jin made a face and embraced you so you were blocked from view.
You stared at Kwang like he was a stranger. This wasn’t the man that grew you up to be strong and smart and encouraged you to live life, this was not your mentor, or your friend… you had to look away. It hurt – it cut deeply, into a wound you had fooled yourself into thinking was scabbed over.
‘Fuck this! Call the police, or get rid of him.’ Taehyung said, as he came up to you, his eyes giving you a once over, stopping at the whiskey stain.
You looked at him, wanting to tell him how sorry you were, but when he met your gaze you saw sadness – a sadness for you… You couldn’t work with sad. Anger was better. But you hated when your family was sad.
‘Yeon and Xan will hide the body…’ Jimin motioned toward them.
‘And everyone here,’ Hoseok spread his arms wide, indicating to the few people around the room, ’will be none the wiser.’
‘I’m right here,’ Kwang grit out, clearly offended that they were talking across him.
‘Who gives a fuck?’ Jimin countered.
Kwang spat blood on the floor, speaking through your father’s strong hold. ‘She’s not worth it.’
A moment suspended in time. You held your breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. But even if it did, it would bear so little impact compared to Yoongi’s next words.
‘Then why does it hurt,’ the stoic male muttered, his face sporting a devilishly satisfied smirk from behind Hobi, a heavy hand still holding onto the usually more optimistic member of the band, ‘that she never, ever once, would even consider … choosing you.’
You winced at the brutal statement, remembering all too well that Yoongi was quiet not only because he had a strong foundation and a good head on his shoulders, but that the yang of that yin combination was an indication of his capability of cruelty.
Kwang’s face turned ugly from the remnants of a badly bruised ego.
Namjoon held a hostile stance, next to your father, all but encouraging any of his actions. A piece of your heart turned over at the idea of them finally being on the same page, but the empty pit of your stomach was too uncomfortable for you to ignore.
The people around you, Yeon and Xan, Ria, your mom… no one stepped in, no one interfered.
Your maknaes, Taehyung, Jimin, even Jungkook, were content to let this carry on, their eyes blazing with a fury on your behalf – a love so true it could bring you to your knees.
You looked up at Jin, suddenly all too aware of his arms, steel bands holding you in place, ready to stand in front of you or hold you to him, but protect you with everything in his power. Your chest felt like lead, at the realization that Kwang could actually die here, no one would stop it, no one would even try.
But your husband was not a killer. Neither was your father, not directly. And your family should not be in the category of aiding and abetting murder.
Even in your own head, it all seemed a tad bit dramatic, but you could feel the tension in the air.
‘Let him go.’ You said in a raspy tone. Everyone turned to you. You could imagine how you looked, terrified, with your hair out of place, make-up stained, but you didn’t back down. ‘Yuna,’ you gulped, ‘can’t know about this.’ You took in a shaky breath. ‘And in order for her not to know… you have to let him go.’
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Hoseok snarled at you. ‘This bastard belongs in jail, or worse.’
You saved the pain from Hobi’s lashing for later as you met Namjoon’s eyes. They were dark, shimmering with fury and the knowledge of what that day had cost you and how much harder it would be after this… but you didn’t back down this time. ‘You got to me in time.’ You implored him with everything in you, showed every vulnerable aspect of you for him to understand that you would have fought this, you would have slayed this demon, if only Yuna’s heart wasn’t on the line. ‘Please.’ It was a plea, to let it be and let it go.
The people around you… you would deal. The questions, the pitiful looks and the shamelessness of it all, but you would handle it from your end – you would rather your life turn upside down, as long as Yuna’s stayed intact. As long as the band could go back to the way they used to be.
‘Who’s to say he won’t tell her himself? Play the victim?’ Ria countered your argument, a disappointment laced in her tone that made your heart even more heavy. ‘Maybe it’s time she knew, y/n.’
‘This is ridiculous, y/n!’ Hoseok shouted at you. ‘Look at the amount of people around you. Look at the witnesses. You can’t live with the fear that she would choose him over you!’
‘Shut up, Hobi!’ You knew he was right, but you hated hearing the truth, you were not strong enough for it at this moment. But as usual, after years of knowing you, vulgarity was not a fresh concept between you.
He wasn’t offended, however, his next words indicated he was clearly incensed. ‘Yuna is not your father!’
‘Hobi,’ Yoongi cautioned as he regarded you.
Hoseok made a frustrated sound and turned away.
‘Hobi’s right…’ Everyone whirled around to find Yuna at the entrance, her arms folded across her chest. ‘I am not your father.’
Your legs buckled, and a pained noise burst through your chest. You would have fallen flat if Jin didn’t hold you against him.
Something… snapped… inside you. It took years, years of silence, years of biting your tongue, years of triggers that you used iron will to keep at bay, to keep hidden from her. Pushing her away, forcing distance, having one of the biggest fights of your life… and it all just came tumbling down in front of you, like a gust of wind on your tower of cards.
Yuna spared you a glance – a multitude of emotions passing between you in the moment. Anger. Fear. Hurt.
‘Yuna,’ Kwang smiles in momentary relief, ‘You wouldn’t believe what they’re accusing me of.’
She tilted her head to the side. ‘What’s that?’
‘They think I tried to hurt, y/n. That I tried to abuse her. Can you believe that– Let go of me Namjoon!’ If you didn’t know any better, you figure your husband must have been pressing on Kwang’s neck with every word he dared to utter.
Yuna says nothing when Namjoon let’s Kwang fall.
Kwang wipes the blood as he stands up and approaches her, limping, making a show of being pitiful. ‘This is clearly y/n. She’s still angry about the Legacy, won't even talk to me,’ he scoffs. Yuna doesn’t even react to him and it only makes Kwang squirm out an explanation.
‘And when I approached her this is how she reacted. Sicced her family on me. It’s quite dramatic if you ask me…’ He shakes his head, glances at you, then looks back at his niece as you wait with baited breath. Only the sound of Kenta’s footsteps could be heard.
Kwang sighed and smiled. ‘You’re not buying any of this are you?’
You stared at him bewildered. Such a bold admission was in tune with his character, but it still caught you off guard.
‘She deserves a bit more credit than that.’
Kenta’s voice made you shudder slightly. He did nothing to mask the underlying threat in it. And if you thought the band was capable of violence in this situation, Kenta, on the other hand, was a different story. His profession thrived on violence, someone who had actually had blood stain his hands, regardless of the reason – he had a penchant for it, not just the potential. He wouldn’t just have to order Xan or Yeon to do the dirty work… he would handle it himself.
Yuna’s nostrils flared and her lip trembled. ‘How could you?’ Her voice was deceptively soft.
‘He’s always been this way, Yu. Even before he fixated on y/n.’
What?
You stared at Kenta, the bomb he’d just dropped leaving debris around you. Kwang had done this before?
Yuna looked up at her husband. ‘You knew.’ It wasn’t a question. She then dropped her head and muttered, ‘Of course you did.’ A reminder that her husband was no ordinary man.
Kwang’s eyebrows drew. He was visibly thrown off at Yuna’s reaction, but he also didn’t back down. ‘He’s lying! He’s lying to save her! Come on, sweetheart. How much time have y/n and I spent together? So many hours, so many memories… You’ve been witness to our interactions.' His voice dropped an octave, coaxing, manipulating. ‘Am I really that insane? She’s always had a thing for me. You can’t deny it.’ He turned to look at you. ‘And she’s always been mine.’
A vile feeling overcame you and had you shuddering in Jin’s hold.
Namjoon’s response was immediate – and violent. He growled as he rushed at Kwang and punched him again, blood sputtering from his mouth and onto your father’s shirt as he fell to the floor. Sung didn’t even flinch. Namjoon grabbed Kwang’s collar, lifting half his body up as he did so, a show of strength that made him seem even less of the calm, collected Namjoon you were accustomed to. ‘Say it again,’ his quiet tone raises the hairs on your nape. ‘Call my wife yours again, I dare you.’
Kwang glared at your husband, but didn’t repeat his words. He didn’t call you his again. Instead he refocused on your father as Kenta pulled Namjoon off him.
‘What’s the matter, Sung? Can’t handle the fact that I was a better father figure?’
‘Father figure?’ Sung scoffed. ‘I hurt her. But not the way you have. I never witnessed a side of y/n that trusted me to keep her safe, she withheld her love. For good reason, of course. But you?’ Sung clicked his tongue. ‘You had a gift in the palm of your hand, and you savaged it – beyond repair.’
‘I did nothing I was not entitled to.’ Kwang decreed, his chin raised a fraction as he made to stand up, swaying on his feet but feeling and showing no remorse, none at all.
Yuna narrowed her gaze. ‘Who are you?’ She asked so quietly, it resonated with an old wounded part of your heart. Because for how long, had you been asking yourself that question?
‘What do you want from me, Yuna? I did my fair share. In fact, I did my best for you and Helen. That doesn’t change. My love for you and your sister will never chan –,’
Yuna held her hand up. ‘It changes everything.’ She went to take a step forward, the betrayal radiating off her in waves, but Kenta moved to stand between them, effectively keeping her in place. ‘You used me.’ The sentence was torn out of her. Oh my Yuna. ‘Used me to get to her.’ She pointed to you.
‘And you played your part so well, like it was some sort of sick game.’ Her face twisted in disdain. ‘So many sleepovers. Family dinners. Work meetings.’ She croaked, as her mind processed every single bit of information to slot next to the truth of her Uncle. ‘Y/n was never safe.’ She accused. ‘Ohmygod, you could have done anything at anytime.’
‘Exactly. And I didn’t. Y/n needed to realize her feelings first.’ He caught the last sentence and latched onto it as if it was of any use to save him. ‘Why are you not factoring y/n into this? Is it really so hard to accept that she came onto me? That she wants me. The signs were there!’
Your face twisted in revulsion because what fucking signs?
Deadly silence coated the air, as if every individual present rejected Kwang’s question all at once.
‘You’re an asshole.’ Ria scoffed and broke the tension. ‘A typical, male, asshole.’
Understatement of the century.
Everyone turned to look at her, but she didn’t flinch under the scrutiny. ‘I was there. The day y/n ran out of the conference room. The minute she walked out of her father’s office, tears streaming down her face…I was there. There was no way, she was in the wrong that day, and I have no doubt you did your best to finish the job today.’ Ria folded her arms, daggers as she stared Kwang down. ‘Either way, y/n would never come onto you. She would never want you.’
‘Loyalty is a respectable trait, Ria. Lying isn’t.’
‘Go fuck yourself,’ she murmured without emotion, dismissing Kwang like he was little less than a fly in the vicinity.
‘He can’t. He’s too busy trying to fuck with everyone else.’ Hoseok’s fury had become leashed… somewhat.
‘What do you mean ‘that day’, Ria?' Yuna asked, confused. 'Which day? What are you talking about?’ Oh no.
You mentally willed for Kenta to meet your eye, somehow protect Yuna from this at least, but when he did, you realized it would be futile. You would no longer be able to protect her. ‘The reason y/n pushed you away, the reason she broke off all contact with Kwang and her father.’
‘He attempted this before.' Kenta confirmed. 'On the Pandora project. She defended herself and got out in time. But the matter never escalated.’ Kenta leveled a glare in your father’s direction. ‘The partners never found it necessary to do so.’
Yuna shot you an incredulous look. ‘This was why you were so distant?’
You looked down. You couldn’t defend yourself.
‘I’m not even surprised with you, Sung.’ Yuna did nothing to hide the malice in her tone. ‘But you, y/n? Keeping this quiet? For all these years? You’re ready to fight the world for someone you love, but didn’t do it for yourself?’ Yuna was shouting now. ‘You retreated into yourself and you were so quiet and so… ‘ Yuna balled up her hands in fists and shook them, ‘so wound up and suffocated.’
‘After you took over…’ Her eyes darted from side to side as she made more connections. ‘No. It was before that.’ She looked up at you. ‘There were changes before that. You didn’t come over anymore. And you always made excuses not to hang out when he was around. You died, y/n.’ Severe words that made too much sense. ‘You died until you took over the company, but even then you were the fucking living dead.’ Her voice broke. ‘You left me.’ Your throat closed up. ‘You pushed me away,’ she cried, ‘because he’d hurt you and you didn’t want to hurt me.’
You shook your head, your throat closing up and your eyes becoming blurry at the devastation you heard in her voice. Don’t cry, you didn’t want her to cry.
‘All these years, y/n. So much pain, so much that you handled alone…’ Yuna stifled a sob as she covered her mouth, ‘And I didn’t know a fucking thing!’ She turned away from you and fell into Kenta’s open arms as she broke down. His hand covered the back of her head easily, shielding her, keeping her close, keeping her safe.
You didn’t know how to fix this. On one hand you wouldn’t change your decision. You didn’t regret not telling her. But now that she knew… you’d never thought this far. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to find out. It was your pain and your trauma and your nightmares – any of those shadows eclipsing any of your loved ones lives was never the plan.
‘You could have told me.’ She said wetly, her voice muffled by Kenta’s coat.
‘It wasn’t your burden to bear.’ I didn’t want to lose you.
‘The hell it wasn’t!’ She broke out of Kenta’s hold and yelled at you. ‘What do you take me for, y/n!’
Frustration surfaced. You would not explain your actions to anyone. No one. No one knew how you felt, no one could feel your pain. ‘No one believed me, Yuna.’
‘I would have believed you!’
‘My own father didn’t even believe me!’
‘I am not your fucking father!’
Sung winced at her tone.
‘You would have believed her over me.’ Kwang questioned his niece.
‘It would have been a punch to the gut,’ Yuna replied, not looking at him, her tone aiming to rub anyone with a semblance of self-respect, the wrong way. ‘But it wouldn’t have cut deeper than knowing I forced y/n through my wedding with her abuser over her shoulder.'
Kwang mouthed the word ‘abuser’ as if he didn’t know what the term meant, as if he wasn’t one. ‘How can you talk to me this way?’
‘Did you not,‘ Yuna raised her voice with every word, her patience worn thin, ‘try to take advantage of my best friend Uncle?’ She spat the familial term as if it was a slur.
Kwang pursed his lips.
Yuna nodded her head in resignation. ‘Exactly.’ She threaded her fingers through Kenta’s. ‘Do what’s necessary.’ There was no room for misunderstanding. Kenta would deal with Kwang Jae.
You swallowed hard. ‘No.’
‘Ignore her.’ Yuna dismissed you. ‘I’m done with this. It’s over. He needs to go.’
‘I said no!’
She screamed back at you. ‘Why! What are you so afraid of?’
The satisfaction of having everything out in the open devolved fast into anxiety. ‘Can’t you see that you have careers in the public eye, reputations to protect! We can’t have this getting out. I don’t want it to get out.’
‘You aren’t alone, y/n.’ Kenta reminded you. ‘And you aren’t in the wrong.’
‘But I would have to deal with it.’
‘Y/n, honey, please –,’ Hobi tried for reason.
You cut him off. ‘Let him go.’
You would not let anyone have a field day with this bullshit. Not now, not ever. Justice meant nothing. You already knew, even if you envisioned Kwang behind bars, it wouldn’t be satisfying… neither would seeing him dead do any good.
That’s what happened when you accepted things as they were. And you have always been able to afford balance on the outside, for the external, for the people around you and for life to go on… all at the expense of your sanity. Because inside you, it was pure carnage. It was all you knew. But you could handle your pain. It was your pain. Your pain would not be anyone else's burden, or entertainment.
Jin looked down at you, his heavy gaze unfolding your ruse into reality. ‘Why are you being like this?’ He asked softly.
You averted your gaze. It was an easy answer. ‘He’s not worth it.’
Jin’s eyes shined with age-old knowledge and unbridled empathy. ‘He’s not worth it, y/n… or you?’
You bit back a retort at the stark honesty in his words. They stung. And some vindictive part of you felt that they were making a mockery of your pain, pushing you to do what was right, showcasing your trauma like it would be a tale of strength. But Jin was right, you didn’t feel the fight for you would be worth it. You would not make it anyone else's problem. There was no room for y/n to be ruining anyone’s life – unintentionally or not.
‘Y/n, you need to do this for yourself babe.’
You shook your head against Ria’s words. Not this time. You were not the heroine, or the damsel that was saved, or the one everyone would look up to because you were ‘so brave’. You would do what felt right for you, regardless of how it looked to anyone else.
‘Y/n don’t give him an out.’ Namjoon spoke so softly, it stripped your heart open. ‘Do you understand, that letting him go,’ Namjoon pointed to Kwang, ‘that letting him walk, after what he’s done, and attempted to do, not once, but twice, that he would be getting exactly what wants.’ Namjoon glared at you. ‘He had the balls to do it, because he knew you would make the call to let him go.’ A shadow passed over his features, ‘If you do this, you would be taking away my right to protect you.’
Yoongi inclined his head. ‘Are you willing to accept the risk of ever seeing him again? He could easily go to the papers, y/n.'
He wouldn’t fuck up his own life. But you didn’t answer Yoongi. Right now, you had no strength and you didn’t care. You wanted this night over with. You wanted to go home.
‘Don’t do this, y/n,’ Hoseok’s voice held a glacial unevenness. A clear sign of how enraged he was, but how much of a tight leash he had on it.
So angry, but still listening to you, still taking your word into account.
‘If you want to put him behind bars… I’ll support you this time,’ your father looked over his shoulder at you.
‘We owe you much more,’ Ra-Mi ran gentle fingers through your hair.
You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t stand it. And it would be logical to find the so-called justice they sought for you, and years earlier it would have made all the difference. But you were married now and it mattered because of who you were married to. You would not put Yuna or the band through any of it. It was too late.
‘Y/n --,’ Yoongi whispered, when he came to stand next to you.
You turned into Jin's chest and hid between his arms. Having no strength to deal with Yoongi’s disappointment. ‘Please, just, let him go. Let him leave.’
‘Hyung, do something.’ Jungkook barked.
No one reprimanded the youngest. No one believed he said anything wrong in the first place. Neither did you. The silence was thick and heavy, until Namjoon spoke.
‘My wife has been through enough tonight.’ His tone was clipped. ‘We should do as she says.’
His words were met with immediate protest.
‘Hyung, you can’t!’ Jimin shouted from beside Jungkook.
‘Namjoon-ah!’ Jin and Yoongi scolded, the eldest clutching you tighter, as if letting Kwang go would somehow endanger you further.
As you turned in Jin’s arms, you focused on your husband, you saw his lip curl back in a silent snarl at his brothers’ contradictions. You couldn’t imagine what Namjoon was going through. A man had his hands on you, to hurt you, to claim, to control… Now his brother’s were disappointed in him. Again.
You met his gaze again, his chest rising and falling in uneven breaths, a final attempt to change your mind.
You whimpered softly and his jaw set… it was answer enough for him, before he shoved Kwang back into the wall.
‘I don’t give a fuck,’ you shut your eyes against Namjoon’s voice, ‘where you go or what you do, but know this, if you ever come near Y/n again, I will make sure you regret it.’ A sound of impact. ‘Do you understand?’
You heard Kwang’s feet flatten against the floor when Namjoon finally let him down.
‘I owe you a lifetime of resentment.’ You heard your father say.
You turned your head in Jin’s arms, wanting to take in the scene before you, wanting to watch him leave.
The disappointment bled from Namjoon, but you didn’t budge, trauma response or not, Kwang needed to fuckoff – you wanted nothing to do with him.
‘We’ll walk you,’ Kwang grimaced at Jimin, most likely observing their age gap and feeling highly disrespected. ‘Make sure you actually leave this time.’
Kwang looked over at you.
‘Move!’ Jimin berated him. The hyung of the maknae line was in no mood to play.
‘That’s a tad disrespectful, don’t you think so, Jimin?’ You rolled your eyes inwardly. You knew him so well. ‘What would your parents think?’
Your eye twitched. The bastard had no right to talk about Jimin’s parents. No one defended the male that cared the most and loved without abandon, but you soon realized that there wasn’t a need.
Jimin walked up to Kwang, despite the height difference, Jimin still managed to look like the more intimidating one. ‘You are more than welcome, to explain your actions, how I am treating you and await their verdict on the matter, but I assure you,’ Jimin’s lips lifted, a chilling glare that had you fisting on Jin’s jacket, ‘They wouldn’t waste even their sympathy on scum like you.’ Jimin’s eyes flashed fire. ‘Now start walking!’ the hyung of the maknae line turned away and muttered, ‘Get you as far away from my family as possible.’
They were almost to the entrance when Yuna spoke. ‘Uncle.’ Four pairs of dress shoes stopped in their tracks.
‘That you are walking out of here on your own, is a statement of how big y/n’s heart is.’ Her voice didn’t waver, not even a little. ‘It’s a clear sign that there could have only been one person to blame for all of this.’
You felt the words caress against the pieces of your broken heart, so delicate. At the same time you felt Yuna’s pain, the brutal decision you knew she’d just made, rebounding off her life in so many ways, she was yet to see the consequences.
‘Understand that if you do anything more, y/n will not be dealing with you, the people surrounding her will. And if it wasn’t clear enough already,’ she spoke to the ground. A sign that it was too painful, and that she had no choice. ‘We are no longer family.’ She swallowed hard. ‘We have nothing more to do with each other.’
You wanted to gauge Kwang’s reaction but you were stuck on Yuna. No other human being would ever give up as much as she had for you, without a second thought, without a shred of regret.
Taehyung sighed. ‘I need more alcohol.’
‘The champagne has a cork in it.’ Jungkook offered, as they flanked Jimin.
‘Oh good,’ Jungkook earned a clap on the back from the hyung that was every bit his best friend and more, ‘it shoots and makes an impact if we aim it in the right direc --,’
Their words died as they left the hall. The joke was dry, unnecessary, but they were reeling from a tragic truth and they would cope the only way they knew how.
You blew out a puff of air against Jin’s suit jacket and he rubbed your back comfortingly.
Something needed to be said, something to fill the silence. The bartenders still hadn’t left, neither did the hall manager and her two staff… you wanted to groan out loud, this was just another media scandal waiting to happen anyway.
Your eyes darted over their forms, as the momentary realization sent you into a panic. Your renewed shaking must have alarmed Jin, because all of a sudden you were out of his arms and he got in your face. ‘Breathe. Breathe for me, it’s okay sweetheart.’
‘Th-they,’ you motioned your head towards the bar, your voice wobbly as you tried to explain.
Yoongi’s eyebrows were scrunched in confusion, but he soon caught on when he looked at the staff. He stepped into your personal space and bent his head to make eye contact with you. ‘We’ll handle it.’
‘Wh-,’ Jin started, but Yoongi explained the situation in a hushed whisper before making his way over to the bar.
Ria was already way ahead of them as she made her way to the hall manager.
Yeon and Xan regarded you silently. You didn’t have it in you to look them in the eye. Not yet.
‘Y/n,’ Sung came up to you.
You shook your head vehemently. ‘No.’ As grateful as you were, you couldn’t deal with him right now. ‘No, please, I can’t.’ You couldn’t hear it. You couldn’t process it. ‘Whatever it is.’
It was too much. It was all too much.
‘Please listen to me,’ your father begged as he caught your elbow.
You shoved him away, taking Jin with you when you reared back. ‘I was so scared!’ You shouted, your voice rebounding off the walls as you ripped yourself open letting Sung Y/l/n hear the honest truth. ‘I was alone and I was scared!’ You repeated yourself, admitting to weakness when you never had. ‘And I needed you and you were never there! You weren’t there for me!'
Your father shrunk into himself at your outburst. Your mother cried harder next to him and you wanted to comfort her but with what? With what strength, with what stability? You had nothing, you were shattered from the inside out.
‘Just once, just once,’ you held your two fingers together in front of his face, ‘if you gave me a sign, that you believed me…’
‘I moved you from his department.’ Sung attempted to justify himself. ‘I changed your roles. I let you work independently, surpassing everyone’s expectations.’
You narrowed your gaze. ‘Am I supposed to fucking thank you?’ An acrid taste from your brutal words set in the back of your throat.
‘Please, y/n, I didn’t kn – , I –, I was trying to do what was bes –,’
‘Don’t you dare!’ Your forehead creased in an effort to keep frustrated tears at bay. ‘Don’t you dare, say you did anything for me. A punch and suddenly siding with me will not change what you've done!' Your face screwed up and a feeble sound made its way out of your throat. ‘Your own daughter!’ You cried openly.
‘I know! But he had major shares! He would have ripped everything away from us!’
‘He already did.’ Your mother’s words were filled with malice. And in another time you would have been able to appreciate them. But not as you stared at your father, a man who had put his company and his money and his reputation above your life, and after all of it was still making excuses – Sung Y/l/n, who had never and would never be your Dad.
‘All of this is because of you. All of it!’ You inhaled sharply, suddenly realizing that words would never get through his defenses. He would never see how much his decisions had cost him. Pure venom coated your next words. ‘It's too fucking late.’
It was nothing. Words a petulant child could have easily said. But you had nothing else left in you. You were done. Just done. Pulling away from Jin, you ran out of the hall as sobs bubbled out of your throat. You heard shouts behind you, but you were beyond caring. You didn’t care where you were going or how, or of who followed you, but you walked across the parking lot toward the open field opposite the hall. The snow was thick and your boots sunk right in, but you ran and then you walked until your breathing was labored and the cold poked at your skin… and your legs finally gave out from under you.
Your legs, exposed from the high slit, were frozen solid. Your dress was wet, so was your hair, but you couldn’t care less about appearances.
The wedding was the only big thing on your checklist for the day, and that went as well as it could have. Ria and the guys would sort out specifics. Kwang… a sob threatened to rip from your throat as you felt phantom fingers between your legs. Kwang was gone. Yuna… you would talk to her. Maybe, just maybe things would go back to normal.
‘Aah!’ You pulled away when a warm hand touched your shoulder. You looked up to find your husband looming over you. You reared back, away from him, away from his touch.
‘Y/n,’ Namjoon leaned toward you.
You avoided him by scooching further away. ‘Don’t touch me.’
Hurt clouded his features. ‘Baby --,’
‘No,’ you shook your head at him.
‘Y/n.’
You turn around to find Kenta behind you. When did he get to you? Were you so out of sorts?
Kenta bent down and rested in the snow. You winced visibly when he curled a protective arm around your shoulders. If he noticed, he didn’t show it as his other hand grabbed the wet trail of your dress, covered the exposed portion of your legs and rested his palm on your knee.
Taking deep breaths as you reminded yourself that he was checking for any injuries, a usual once over that was second nature, Kenta was safe and his touch was safe, it was a mantra until you eventually covered his hand with yours.
‘I’m fine,’ you reassured him. ‘I’m okay.’
Kenta pressed a kiss to your forehead, his movements tentative. ‘No, sweetheart.’ A term of endearment… ‘You’re not.’
You choked as his words slammed into you. Your eyes shut tight, to push away tears that were furious and unrelenting.
‘I’m sorry, Kenta. I’m so sorry!’ Kenta rocked you lightly as you lost control, your sobs becoming uncontrollable.
Why you? Why? You would never wish such things on anyone else, but why? You were not so strong. You had so much to be grateful for and you knew you were loved and there was so much to look forward to but… sometimes the pain was too much. Freshly wounded, bleeding and broken… when you were just now finding yourself, finding your husband…
You had little less of your youth left, no children, no responsibility that could not be handed over or handled… the burn under your skin and the agony that had no name turned you inside out. Was there really a need to recover from this? If you could just keep your eyes closed… if you could scream until your voice was silent… if you stopped breathing… if you just gave up…
A heat seeped through your boot by the ankle. You opened your eyes to find Namjoon crouching in front of you, trying to anchor you. You pulled your knees in toward your body and crushed your side into Kenta’s chest. ‘You can’t.’ You managed to gasp out.
Namjoon’s eyes narrowed.
‘You can’t touch me. He touched me.’
Without warning Namjoon surged forward, grabbed you by your arms and hauled you into his chest.
‘Joon –,’ You heard Kenta warn tightly. But you were beyond logic.
‘You don’t know,’ you cry out and push against Namjoon’s chest. You wince in pain when you remember your injured palm.
Nevertheless, you struggle until he slammed his mouth against yours. His kiss was hard, hurtful, but all consuming, you could taste the anger on his tongue. ‘Don’t piss me off, y/n,’ he growled against your lips when you pulled away. Breathing hard, he touched his forehead to yours and held you close to him. His palm casing your cheek. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you, baby.’
‘You don’t understand!’ Your chest splintered, your eyes burned with tears that wet your face and your hair and your insides screamed in helplessness – you always had doubts, insecurities about being good enough for Namjoon… now you knew, you never would be.
‘No, you don’t understand!’ He roared. ‘You said you were mine, just a few hours ago! You declared it, y/n. No matter what happens, or what we have to go through, we do it together! So don’t you dare push me away now.’ His voice dropped, and the pain you felt emanating from him threatened even the softest corners of your heart. ‘Don’t you dare. Not because of him. Not for anything.’
The ringing in your skull and the storm in your chest didn’t let up. ‘He touched me! He held his hand over my mouth and he tried to touch me,’ you vehemently confessed in a panic. ‘Tell me you can kiss me, Namjoon, touch me, have sex with me and not see what you walked into, not see him!’
Namjoon’s eyes were wild with emotion, his need to hold you to him, to anchor you, a palpable thing.
‘Because all I see is you! You, y/n. My wife, my love, my everything. The pain, the hurt, I want to take every bit of pain he’s caused and I want to make it better! I want to make it better! I will make it better! You were never his, y/n! You are and will always be mine! Nothing and no one can fucking threaten that.
Now, it’s fucking freezing cold, so we need to head back and we need to head home.’ He softened his hold. ‘Please, let’s go home.’
He didn’t understand. Fuck, he didn’t know, that the worst of it wasn’t the physical assault, it was the mental manipulation and every single shaky foundation in your head just fell out from under you. You didn’t know how to deal with that. ‘Namjoon, please,’ you gave up the fight and sobbed into his jacket.
His hands held you to him. ‘I’ll do anything you want, okay? I promise. But I need to get you home, away from here and away from everyone else. Please, just let me take you home.’
You dropped your forehead against his chest and sunk into his hold. You hated this. You hated the guilt of how at home you felt in the safe heat of his arms. His strength, his joy and his love… Because here you were…less, parts of you severed, and your whole psyche fractured on a level you knew, you knew you would never come back from.
Love. You loved him too much. You loved this man more than you thought you were ever capable of and you had chosen him over everything. Despite it all, you believed that he deserved someone whole, someone who could give him all of them, someone untainted. In your head you whimpered, because you didn’t have it in you to give him up.
The only question was whether he could bear this burden with you.
No. There was no question. Either way, you knew the answer. Like you knew Namjoon.
But would it grow to be a painful silence between you? A sore subject. A flaw you couldn’t help, a shortcoming you couldn’t change. With every jagged beat of your heart would you have to question the possibility, the fear… that he would one day choose to put that burden down.
Ahhh it is WAY past my bedtime but there was no way I was going to sleep without reading this update! Firstly, FUCK that was so heavy, I felt like my heart was flung to the ends of the Earth and back all within this chapter
You know when I said Kwang deserved a right hook - yeah, scratch that, he deserves worse than jail tbh there's no space in the world for people like him - it's just pure sickening
But also, I love oc's family and the way they all protect her with every fibre of their being - Namjoon fighting for her just had me in a puddle 🥺 like, fuck, they really are endgame
I was surprised to see her dad jump in but he really missed his window sigh...
OC's healing journey is a long (and non-linear) one and I just hope she can let (at least) Namjoon in before it spirals into something unsalvageable!
Bring on the next chapter!!! 💜
That seat next to me on my bench is still available 🤗
Kwang was definitely not one of my favourites to sketch tbh. He's just got so many intelligent and calculated characteristics about him, that make his actions so unbelievably derogatory. I agree that he deserves a fate worse than jail and death. It was not great to write any of his actions out. But Atleast he served his purpose in the au.
Goodness i loved every single second of writing angry band members. They adore her. And yes Namjoon being so angry was something expected but Jin has my whole freaking heart for being so protective of her.
Oooh Sung is just,
As for oc, 🥺 a long hard journey awaits her. But our yn is strong. And she's dealt with happiness evading her at every turn. Hopefully this is the last bit of bullshit thrown at her. (the writer who is the cause of all of OC's pain says ruefully)
Summary - You would never expect it really. He’s doting. He’s sweet. He’s hardworking. But he’s forgotten his morals. Suspecting it is one thing, but when he confirms it, will you stay or walk away.
Warning - Cheating(Aftermath); Angst; Borderline Assault(Sexual); Attempted Sexual Assault(Aftermath); Explicit Sexual Implications; Heavy Angst; Anger; Anxiety; Overwhelming Feelings; Memories tied to a traumatic event; Psychological Trauma.; PTSD; Sadness; Emotional Hurt; Comfort; Panic; Dissociation; Self-deprecation; Angry/ Protective Namjoon;
Additional Warnings - Graphic Depiction of Sexual Assault; Rage; Hopelessness; Guilt; Self-loathing; Self-hate;
Word Count - 4.7k
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A/N - After every trauma, there's always the aftermath and in this au we are somewhat veterans of the 'after'.
It's quite concerning how much research it takes to depict something as real as this, even if some of the aspects are pulled from a past experience. It just goes to show how much of an impact something like this could have on someone.
Needless to say, our oc definitely deserves a bunch of happiness... but then... some of the best people, aren't meant to be happy.
We're almost to the end of this era of the Nerve Universe. I will be posting [E] and the Epilogue together, tomorrow.
xx Dee
Please note the following chapter contains a complete representation of OC’s current psyche and her mental state. PLEASE!! Proceed with caution as this whole update is a MAJOR trigger warning.
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It didn’t take much else for Namjoon to get you to listen to him. On your best of days, you could be stubborn and on your worst you could be illogical, but neither of those traits could cloud over the fact that Namjoon was solid ground. Namjoon was the Earth and the rain and hope and every sign of life you could truly respond to.
At that moment, nothing made sense, you felt so many emotions, and some part of you was still thinking ‘What the fuck? Did that just happen’.
It did. And tears leaked from your eyes each time you answered the question. Because it did. But really, were you overreacting a little? Maybe you were just exposed for who you truly were–a weak, oversensitive little girl. A fraudster that truly didn't deserve a voice. Not when you couldn't defend yourself.
It should just be another trauma to add to the list.
You didn’t return to the hall. You didn’t see Yuna or Ria or anyone else for that matter.
Yeon and Xan said nothing the whole way home. You sat with Namjoon at the back of the car, his fingers playing absently with a loose thread on your gloves. You couldn’t use your winter coat, and you couldn’t hold Namjoon’s hand because it felt… weird. Your skin was oversensitive.
None of the guys followed this time. It was you, your husband and your biggest fear of him losing any love for you.
When you got home, you stepped out with as much of your self-respect you could muster, and bid the two remaining members of your team farewell.
Then Namjoon took over your footsteps – all but dragging you behind him, through your house to your bedroom.
Before you knew it, you were standing in the middle of the master bathroom, holding your midsection as he crossed his arms and stared at you. You hated the physical distance. Ofcourse, you both knew you needed it, to think clearly, to breathe, but it still hurt.
You pulled your lips together, but tears stung your eyes anyway as you tried to close your head against the memories of the night.
‘Where?’
You internally shook off the question and blinked rapidly as you looked at the floor. ‘Can I just shower? Please?’
‘Y/n,’ he softly reprimanded when you didn’t move an inch.
‘Namjoon, please --,’
‘No. You’ll face it here, and now. With me. No more running. No giving it life.’ He made to rush at you, then stopped, his hand frozen in midair, giving himself a second, giving his actions a second thought. ‘You can’t be silent,’ his nostrils flared and he closed his hand into a fist before he dropped it. ‘I refuse to let it suffocate us, while a war happens inside you.’
Your eyes darted back and forth on the tiles. You felt trapped, like a cornered animal.
You knew Namjoon meant no harm; he was doing only what he knew. You calmed down when he smothered you, in hugs, affection, touching, kissing, his hands around your neck, your body under him… You found clarity in communication, in talking your feelings out, in making it real.
And making sure absolutely nothing got between you after the struggle your marriage had just gone through was Namjoon's priority.
And you understood. You really did. But…
Right now those tactics weren't working. It wasn’t working because he wanted you to talk about it, and you didn’t want to talk about it just yet. But if you didn’t, it would fester. That’s how it worked with you. Ripping the band aid off worked way better than coaxing and prodding would. Because you were the best at putting your pain in a chokehold, ignoring the fact that your lips were turning blue from the suffocation. But you still didn’t want to talk about it! You didn’t want to explain anything, for fear of Namjoon’s reaction.
How could you tell him? How could you tell him about Kwang, and his words and his actions and what he'd tried to do? How could you even begin to explain how horrifying it was to freeze in a moment where you needed yourself most?
And if you told him the truth, then what?
What if he didn't believe you? What if he thought you wanted it? Asked for it? What if he actually thought you were disgusting? What if he didn’t want you anymore? What if he thought that you were dirt—
‘Y/n!’ Namjoon’s voice exploded into your face, his hands on your upper arms.
You felt your eyes go wide and your body shook, but you couldn’t yell back. You opened your mouth, but no sound came out, save for a soft whimpering. You couldn’t breathe.
You looked at Namjoon and his lips were moving and words came out of his mouth, but you couldn’t hear him. You couldn’t breathe. You choked on nothing as you tried to consciously inhale and exhale but you couldn’t breathe!
You were moving. The floor fell away and you felt yourself falling and you couldn't stop it and you couldn't control it and you had nothing to hold onto and, and –
Frigid cold chased the heat off your spine out of nowhere and you finally took a sharp breath in.
‘Breathe, Y/n.’ You heard Namjoon’s voice from faraway. ‘Breathe for me.’
You felt his arms, a vice-like grip on your own forearms.
You inhaled and exhaled sharply, the blurry details coming into focus.
You were in the shower and your clothes were drenched, your boots and your pretty dress – the outfit that Taehyung had poured his soul into was ruined. He wouldn’t mind. But you did.
‘Y/n?’ Namjoon asked tentatively, as he kneeled in front of you, his own suit waterlogged. You searched his face. The tremble in his lips, the wetness at the edge of his eye, his wide eyes as his hands moved to close over your palm as he tried not to crowd you… nothing but fear for you etched in his features.
‘I’m okay.’ You nodded to assure him as you took deep shaky breaths. ‘I’m okay.’ You repeated the words, more for yourself.
The thoughts and fears all felt like a freight train ready to run you over, but you closed your eyes and pushed them away, focusing on the feel of Namjoon’s strong hands and the coldness of the water cascading over you.
Namjoon watched you until you returned to a somewhat normal state. Then and only then did he slowly grip your calf and pull it towards him. He watched you as he toyed with the zipper, silently asking permission.
You nodded your ascent.
When your boots and dress were in an unseemly pile on the floor outside the shower, he sat back on his heels.
His voice when he did speak again, broke your heart even more. ‘Tell me what to do.’
‘Don’t--,’ you said sharply. You almost screamed at the statement, because you were not a broken doll, and your marriage was not so weak that he had to ask such things. ‘Don’t, talk to me like that. Please. I’m not some victim that needs to be approached cautiously – especially not when it comes to you.’
‘Well, being forceful, gave you a panic attack.’
You almost smiled. Namjoon the ever-logical.
‘Being gentle makes you swipe, anyway.’ He continued. ‘So, you tell me what to do.’
‘What if I tell you to leave?’
It was an unnecessary challenge, but some petty part of you wanted to hear it out loud.
‘I will never leave you, y/n.’ He tentatively traced the back of his middle finger across your cheek. ’Especially not when you need me the most. I can’t.’ His last words were almost strangled out of him, like being there for you was his only option. The same two words you decreed to him on the dancefloor.
You let his statement sit, the meaning, the intention behind them aggressive in its clarity
He knew what you were doing though. It was similar to putting feelers out, testing a situation before charging forward.
A blinding need overtook you and you braved your way to your question, even if you didn't deserve it. ‘Can you hold me?‘ You didn’t look at him as you asked. ‘No clothes… no barriers between us.’ You were afraid that he might see through your request, he would realize how terrified you were that it would be the last time he ever held you like that. Because he would want the truth. Namjoon wouldn’t let the issue go – and you would not lie to him.
He wasted no time in stripping down. He helped you up, offering an open palm so you took it with consent, and he hauled you up against him, the side of your head immediately dropping to his shoulder.
It felt… good.
‘Is this, okay?’ He whispered in your wet hair, one hand on your waist, the other flat on your back.
You nodded, reveling the feel of his every solid muscle against the curves of your body. You fit. You and Namjoon, your bodies, they always fit.
He’d turned up the water temperature before picking you up, and the chill slowly made space for the heat, of the steam and of your husband.
There were so many reasons, mistakes aside. So many of them. To respect Namjoon. To choose Namjoon. To love him.
As he held you in his arms and brushed his hands up and down your hair, and left featherlight touches to your skin… he reminded you how much you meant to him, without even saying the words.
You felt it then, how tired you were, how heavily the world had weighed you down. You weren’t anything in that moment. Neither a wife, a CEO, a daughter, a sister, a mentor, a Noona, a friend, you were Y/n. It wasn’t about tears, or about letting go or falling apart… it was about being your most vulnerable, with the one person you trusted in the world to protect you.
Maybe that’s why his cheating cut as deeply as it did. Because he had been given free access to these parts of you, that you battled to even acknowledge within yourself.
But even you could admit, he had more than made up for it.
‘Namjoon,’ you spoke against his shoulder.
‘Hmm?’
‘Can you help wash it off?’ It wouldn’t tear the feel of Kwang's fingers away, or the touch of his hands, or even erase the memory of his scent, but anything external you could manage, you would try.
At least this wasn’t like the last time. You were alone, then. You didn't have anyone to defend you or to take care of you.
You remember scrubbing your skin raw, bawling your eyes out, wishing it was all just a nightmare you could wake up from.
Only it wasn’t a nightmare, it was reality, it became history… and it was apparently very capable of repeating itself.
----------
Namjoon didn’t need telling twice. He took the lead with the soap and loofah, gentle hands, and a loving touch. It didn't do much, but if anything you did feel a lot lighter.
You thought the worst was over.
But when he was toweling you off, and helping you wear one of his shirts, you realized how wrong you were.
He moved away from you, and folded his arms, much like he did before.
A resting stance that had you tilting your head in question.
The hardness was back in his eyes. ‘I’m giving you space.’ He swallowed thickly, ’because we’re not done here.’
Your teeth clenched and you backed up against the wall on your side, placing your palms flat and leaning against them to keep yourself upright.
‘Will you tell me?’
You looked down. ‘Tell you what?’ Your throat felt raw as you croaked the words.
‘Will you tell me where he dared to touch you.’
You chuckled mirthlessly, a defensive response. ‘So eager to get rid of me?’
‘Don’t fuck with me, baby.’ He warned softly.
You flinched when his voice cut across you, your hands coming up to wrap around you, to protect yourself… His tone was too gentle, despite how much anger you knew was coursing through him.
‘I don’t know how.'
'Try.'
You shivered involuntarily. 'I-I can’t -- ,’ the nails on your right hand dug into your left shoulder as you tried to stabilize yourself. ‘Please, I don’t --,’
He came to stand in front of you. ‘Look at me.’ You shook your head and kept it down. His fists clenched at his side as he spoke. ‘Did he kiss you?’
‘NO!’ You answered too loudly, almost alarmed, ‘n-no, he didn’t.’
His hand moved to cup your neck. ‘Here?’
‘No.’
His fingers trailed down your dress. You tensed when he ghosted the side of your breast, but he didn’t stop there, he just moved the rest of the way to stop on your waist. ‘What did he do?’
You squirmed, wishing to get out of this somehow. ‘The usual, t-tried to f-fondle my, my uhm…’ you winced and lifted your left hand slightly, still feeling his fingers against your skin. You grit your teeth against the feeling and covered your breast with your hand, squeezing lightly, tracing the line on your skin, above your breastbone, reminding yourself that it was your hands, not his.
‘He tried. Be-between m-my legs…’ You managed to choke out. 'He was going to, t-,' You closed your eyes and sniffled, wishing you were stronger, wishing this wasn’t so pitiful. ‘He j-just… just didn’t rape me.’ The last two words came out as a whisper.
You shut your eyes tight, then found the courage to look up at your husband.
Namjoon frowned when he noted how aggressively your nails dug into your arm. Instead of prying them off, something small and subtle and absolutely fucking illogical that would turn this whole exchange upside down, he decided to change tactics.
'What if I hold you, again?’
Your head snapped up at the question. ‘Will it make it easier for you to tell me then?'
It was… unexpected.
He'd been touching you this whole time, your fingers, your neck, you'd even kissed albeit in the heat of a moment. He gave you a bath for crying out loud! But still…
Namjoon was your husband – he had a right. He had every right.
Instead of questioning it, feeding into the confusion, or even trying to make sense of what he was trying to do, you asked the one question you were afraid to get an answer to. 'Do you want to?'
Tears clogged your throat and welled in your eyes. Again.
A pained noise escaped Namjoon's chest before he pulled you into his arms.
You shook against him, his big strong arms wrapped around you, his hold so tight, as if he could put all your broken pieces back together again.
'I'm so sorry, I wasn't there for you today.' He sniffled as you shook your head against the apology. 'I'm so sorry, baby.'
You squeezed your eyes shut as you sobbed openly for the nth time that night, clutching at his shirt like it was a lifeline.
Again you wondered… why you?
Why did the very idea of normalcy evade you at every turn?
Childhood trauma was a given. So fuck that. But then again… men forcing themselves on women… that was some sort of normal too.
It was heard of at every turn.
Catcalling, whistling and derogatory terms. If she wore too little she asked for it. If she wore too much she was a prude.
Rape, sexual harassment at the office, trading blowjobs for good grades with the right professors, sexual abuse on the street…
Every woman you knew, every single one would have gone through some sort of sexual encounter with a male or at least, felt unsafe with them.
Here, with you, Kwang Jae and Kim Y/n, it was a cute cat and mouse game, years in the making.
Maybe it wasn't black and white, and the universe added a bit of glitter to make the trauma sparkle a little with the trauma bond… but you experienced what most women would in their lifetime.
And they survived. They lived. Some spoke out. Some owned their truth. Even if you couldn't be vocal about it. If anything, you could get past it. You could do that… couldn't you?
When you quietened down he brushed his lips against your forehead. ‘What’s really going on?’
‘Joon just…’ you inhaled sharply.
‘I already know how strong you are. You just proved it, by reliving a fucking nightmare, by putting the rest of us first, and I know how big hearted you are – especially by letting the fucker walk.' He inhaled sharply, his only indication that he was very disappointed in your decision. 'I know you will get through this, y/n. But you’re hurting, baby, I can feel it… and it’s breaking my heart.’
A whine left your throat and tears stung your eyes again. ‘-m confused…’
‘You’re allowed to feel anything and everything you need to, to process this y/n.’
No! ‘You don’t get it,’ you tasted salt on your lips, your time was up. ‘Joon… listen, y-you need to know…’
He hummed and rocked you from side to side lightly. ‘Do you want me to back off?’ The masculine heat that radiated off his body, it curled around you like a blanket. Your trembling lessened slightly -- enough for you to get words out.
‘No, please,’ You let go of his shirt, and pushed him away to put some distance between you anyway, 'it was different, this time. And you have to know, you have to know.’
His brows pulled together, but he didn’t let you get far, his hands stayed on your elbows. Your ears felt hot, and your cheeks were aflame from embarrassment and you really didn’t want to say this, but even if you kept it inside things wouldn’t be the same.
‘H-he… tried to t-touch me, and, on my body, a– an – and my skin, and... I felt, I --,’ a strangled whine clawed out of your throat, ‘I felt his hands and they were warm and patient and… I felt him touching me and it won’t go away!’
The humiliation, of his touch being so delicate, of you not having the proper reaction in time, of you not pushing him away, of your body not reacting in the proper way in time!
‘I didn’t fight, I didn’t slap him or hurt him or push him, I tried at first, to knee him, but he deflected and, and -,I froze… and I closed my eyes closed, l-like, I could ignore it, or, or make it go away. It didn’t fully happen, he never got there, but I, I’m, I-,’ You flailed your arms, working yourself into a panic. ‘But h-he was touching me and I didn’t move! He was tracing lines, on my skin,’you curled inward and submerged fully into the nightmare, ‘and playing with me and,’ you inhaled shakily, ‘he threatened to use his fingers, me, to get me to be quiet, but he almost did it anyway and I had to listen and it almost happened and I didn’t fight him off! I, -I, don’t, I --,’
You were silenced again with Namjoon’s lips. For the nth time that day probably. They were soft as they moved against yours, this kiss tender and slow, serving as a reminder that he was there. You tasted a hint of frustration, but he didn’t let it through.
You stopped the kiss first, pushed his arms off and hid your face. ‘He bit me.’ You whispered as your fingers found the spot of its own accord. ‘It’s okay if you’re repulsed,’ You muttered in a dejected tone. ‘I am.’
You yelped when Namjoon pushed you against the wall without warning, and his hand curled around the front of your throat. He pulled you in for another kiss, a slow, deep, darkly possessive kiss, that was also a silent scolding with his teeth when he bit your bottom lip.
‘Mmmh,’ you turned your head away from him. ‘Namjoon, you’re not listening!’ He still didn’t let you go. Instead he leaned forward and bit the exact same spot. You winced at the sting, but you didn’t stop him. Namjoon had always been a darkly possessive male. Huru. Kwang. Namjoon more than needed the reminder for himself, and for you, that you belonged only to him.
Your throat felt tight when he pulled back and you saw the smoldering rage in his dark gaze. What he did say, when he spoke again, succeeded in ripping away every single defense you could ever attempt to hold against him.
‘Nerve endings in the body can react as if everything is normal, y/n.’ He breathed the words of logic, of comfort, words of calm, the complete opposite of his actions. ‘Mentally, you can know it's wrong and not want something, and wish for it to not take place… but the body reacts, because it’s physical… Y/n that will never be your fault.’ The pressure in his fingers increased slightly, pushing you to focus, to listen to him. ‘This whole thing is not your fault.’
You did not… fucking deserve this man.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ You wrapped your hands around his wrist still at your throat and yelled at him, as tears welled up and threatened to trail down your face. ‘You should hate me. You should be disgusted. I don’t have any self-respect! I didn't fight until the last moment! You almost lost me today, and I didn't fight back to avoid it!'
Ashamed. You were so ashamed. Something inside you felt… broken. How could you turn on yourself like that? How could your own body betray you? How could he not see that he could do so much better than you?
‘Y/n,’ Namjoon coaxed. ‘You broke his nose. He was away from you when I got in. I know what you’re saying baby, but I know what I saw. You did fight.’
'But I almost didn’t! I was stuck and I couldn’t move and I kept wishing for it to be over.' You closed your eyes and screamed the honest truth. ‘If he didn’t compare himself to you… I don't know if I would have gotten angry enough to defend myself.’
‘I shut down, Namjoon,’ you clutched at his hand and sobbed. When your knees bent he closed into your space, his other hand holding you at your waist. You had no strength to keep yourself upright at the weight of the knowledge. ‘I just fucking shut… down; I did nothing!’
He hauled you into his arms, then. Needing it, needing him, you leaned into him, burrowing deeper into his chest as you sobbed. ‘How can you trust me if I can’t even trust myself?’
‘Shh,’ Namjoon’s hand circled your waist and held you against him, the other curled around your nape and squeezed. ‘I know none of my words will get through to you right now, so I just need you to know that I love you, y/n. I love you.’
You reveled in the proprietary hold and his words. You went from avoidance, to not wanting to pull away from him, you didn’t want to leave his arms. If you did, you were terrified of what you would see. Your brain answered that for you. Disgusted. He should feel so disgusted. You heard his words, you did. And they made sense and you knew in your heart that he loved you, but the possibility of him changing his mind… you were so scared of losing him. ‘I’m so sorry.’ You hiccuped dryly, your body all out of tears.
‘You have nothing to apologize for.’ You felt his jaw tick. ‘I’m the one that should be sorry.’
It was selfish to be angry at him, or any of them. You shouldn’t be in need of any saving. It was your responsibilities and your burdens and your pain. No one should have to deal with your shit. Not even your husband.
A flash of Kwang’s face in front of yours… you shuddered and tightened your hold on the front of his shirt.
You were so angry… so angry at yourself.
‘He’ll never come near you again, y/n, I swear it.’ Namjoon’s voice cuts through your thoughts. ‘Neither will your father. They’re responsible for your freeze response, not you.’
You blinked against the implication that this was a purely post traumatic response. You didn’t want to entertain it just yet, you didn’t want an out. But you didn’t say anything because of Namjoon.
Something volatile and violent was being suppressed in your husband – you could feel it. The gentle hands and kind words were for your benefit, but you knew in your heart, this night and the anger he felt on your behalf, was going to have lasting consequences.
‘You were a victim, y/n. And now you’re a survivor.' You hated the word, even if it was true. 'But you still have your respect, and you’re still strong and you are incredible, baby, so incredibly strong. Please know that. Please, please know that,’ he whispered in your hair.
You felt… something. You didn’t agree with him right now, but his words made you feel something. And something was better than nothing.
In all honesty, facing head on should have felt worse than it did, saying it should be hard, admitting to what had happened should have some sort of double back because you weren’t even sure any part of you had processed the trauma mentally… even if you were just giving yourself props, maybe you really were resilient. Because you could act normal and talk normal and be normal and there was no doubt in your mind that the night would go and the morning would come and you would meet who you needed to meet, pack with Yuna, if she was even speaking to you, greet and reassure the band...
You swallowed against the bile that surfaced when you rubbed your legs together… you didn’t know how you were going to handle this, because you were your own worst enemy at this moment.
If you were being realistic, Kwang’s presence or what he could do, didn’t matter anymore. There was no fear of him. All of those feelings were absolutely miniscule if you compared it to the betrayal in your heart. And it was funny how the negative emotion of fear canceled out the leaden duplicity, the complete disdain you felt for yourself. The lack of confidence, the insecurities and doubts, all of it was nothing compared to the shame, the knots in your stomach, the feeling of letting yourself down as it lingered in every bone in your body, like a weight you would have to carry for the rest of your life.
You should have never told Namjoon… any of the specifics… but he was the only one you could have admitted it to. Some part of you was terrified that he could still push you away, and another part was solid in knowing he would never judge you…
Unwillingly, you turned your head and found yourself looking out of the window panels, the moon round, and it was one of those moments where you see something you like, and think ‘yes’. The downpour of the rain as it hits the roof, the light in a loved one’s smile, the trickle of laughter through your soul… and Namjoon, holding you in his arms, always doing everything in his power to hold all your shattered pieces together.
Yeah, love wouldn’t save you. No way. Not with life being this fucked up.
Namjoon moved a hand to your head and held you closer to him. And you could cry, you could scream and cry, because it was the safest you had felt all night.
‘We’ll get through this, y/n. Together.’
Together.
Just like everything else, just like the fights and the cheating and the unknown, unseen enemies you now knew you had to contend with. Guess you would need that therapy after all. Fun.
‘Hey?’ He whispered after a while.
You lifted your head from his shoulder and looked at him. He cupped your face in his hands. ‘Want some oreos?’
Despite the fucked-up-ness of the situation, the question made you smile – a genuine smile. ‘Only if we have them with coffee.’
