It’s been a while since I posted a blog......
And that’s because sometimes life gets in the way of things, it sometimes gets in the way of life itself.
Last year was an absolutely rollercoaster of a year. I got married, went on two overseas trips and on top of that was trying to work and keep our day to day life running as well - Let me tell you, I never plan on planning another wedding for as long as I shall live! Even if I have kids, I’ll be like, here take $20,000 and pay someone to plan it for you! Honestly planning a wedding has got to be one of the most stressful things I have ever done in my life. On top of everything my anxiety reached an all time high and was unmanageable most days and instead of loosing weight leading up to our wedding, I put on weight!!!!! Thank god for my amazing wedding dress, because at least I don’t hate what I see when I look at our wedding photos.
Anyways....... Roll forward to 2017..... I was looking forward to this year, no wedding to plan, to deadlines for massive bills to be paid ahhhhhh this year was going to be a good year. Then 3 weeks into it I lost my job! BOOM!!! All our plans are suddenly shattered and we are counting every single dollar each week so that we can just get by. And even though I have paid my taxes my whole life and never once put my hand out for help, the government was of no assistance at all, because apparently my hubby earns too much, which is absolute crap!!! I don’t understand how so many people can just sit on their arses and never work, yet still get given handouts all the time from the government, but when an honest, hard working person like myself, finds herself in a situation where she suddenly needs help, none is forthcoming.... It made my blood absolutely boil and to be honest it still does..... Anyways moving on, here I am applying for any and every job I can get my hands on whether I was over qualified for the job or not. I’ve always worked from the age of 14, so to find myself suddenly not working, with no stream of income what so ever, took an absolute toll on my mental health. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I had lost my job, that I didn’t tell hardly anyone that I was out of work.... I just couldn’t. And my anxiety levels were out of control...... Some nights I would just sit there on the couch rocking forward and back because my mind my buzzing, my heart was racing a million miles an hour and there was no way I was going to get any sleep. It got so bad that some days I wouldn’t get out of bed and if I did it was to drag myself out to an interview. And god was it tough putting on a brave face and pretending to be my good old self at the interviews........ My anxiety got so bad that the doctor prescribed valium.... but some days I found I just couldn’t get out of bed. Every day was an absolute struggle..... Something in my soul had broken and I didn’t know how to repair it. Even though I had my loving hubby supporting me in every way possible and my mum checking in on me every day, I felt so alone in this world, I felt worthless, like I no longer had anything to contribute..... This might sound over dramatic to some, but I am a very proud person and since a very young age have always supported myself without the help of anyone. I would rather work 4 jobs to cover my bills, than take a handout from anyone.
Luckily 3 weeks on, I was offered a job and it was actually a job that I really wanted. It gave me a bit of a change which is what I wanted and it actually helped get me back on track financially. I’m now into my 5th week in the new job and it all seems to be going fine and I seem to be settling in nicely. But everyday I have this fear that my manager will pull me into his office and tell me that I’m not good enough and show me the door..... My confidence has taken such a major hit, that I don’t know if it is ever going to be repaired.
Now that I’m back at work I’ve gotten back into my training too, but I’m finding it all so hard...... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it’s like my fight, my determination has just disappeared and every day is such a struggle, no matter how good my intentions are at the start of the week or the start of the day.... Where did the old me go???? I want to find her so much but I don’t know how.......
The bursitis in my right hip constantly flares up which doesn’t help at all because I am in chronic pain nearly every day of my life but I somehow push through it and just get on with life. That along with the threat of an anxiety attack just looming at the back of my mind is sometimes enough to make me think enough is enough, and I’m just going to give up...... But then I’m reminded, if I gave up, Would that make me happy? And the answer is no..... So I just need to keep fighting my physical and mental demons each and every day and hopefully one day soon I will start to make some progress :)