Just A Little Piece Of Me

I only post when I'm unbearably sad 28 - VA

[dianasaaays]

I would really like to be seen and heard some day.

[cyberxbattalion]

[cyberxbattalion]

[dianasaaays]

It's my 15 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Man that's wild. November 9, 2010 lol

[lucasgarcete]

© The beloved form of my cosmic horror, Art by Lucas Garcete {via Instagram}

[dahmerskitchen]

[quirinnlcb]

The cracks in the mood 💜💚

[plague-memoria]

[dianasaaays]

When your partner hearts IG reels about "send this to someone you wanna see naked" or "send this to someone you wanna fuck" but they dont send it to you, what does that mean? 🥲

[achillesinhighheels]

[fairycosmos]

i feel like ive missed out on so much in life. i wish i had been born different. there’s so much grief in this feeling

[dianasaaays]

Sigh, I've been holding my tongue because its been going well recently..

But why are messages and conversations still getting deleted..

Its been a while since my anxiety made me do dumb stuff again, but when I look through again, a conversation with someone I already know and you have let me seen, briefly updated with a new message but then disappeared.. ive noticed it about three times now with different WOMEN but im trying to not freak out.

It could have something to do with the Icloud storage because your device is full.. but if i question it, it would lead to a fight again. My trust is really fragile but im trying to hold it together.

[black-hearted-bat-deactivated20]

[dianasaaays]

It's really just one thing when you lie..

Like i said.. I asked if you messaged a girl we both know i remind you if you told them happy birthday. Simple and innocent questions. I even said I texted them happy birthday. And he said no. But lo and behold, I know you did message them. Their name isn't saved on your phone, but I know its them. You said happy birthday women. So why did you lie. Like why do you have to lie about something so simple so innocent.. if it was intently innocent? Im starting to think he reason ylu dont save names is because you don't want other to see who your texting with. Sigh.

But knowing the coward i am, ill just keep it to myself. While it eats my future aware cause I dont want to leave you.

[dianasaaays]

What does it mean if your partner keeps following or friending girls that he use to sleep with or try to have as a booty call before we got together.

I know im toxic when I make him unfollow or unfriend those girls that he use to sleep with or was in a relationship with (but would still flirt with after their relationship was over). He knows im uncomfortable with it and its been three years together.

Recently , he started following one of the girls that he used to have a one night stand with. He knows I went to his account and unfollowed her again. After the third time, he confronts me about it and asks why I dont trust him because its been three years. He says shes a friend (tho I think his definition of a friend is very vague). I found out that he added her again after a couple weeks but like why. What is so important about social media that you have to add this girl again and again and again even tho you know I dont like it..

Same with his ex. Before we got together I found out he was flirting with his ex literally not too long before we got together. I told him I was uncomfortable because how are yku going to flirt with all these girls and im suppose to take you seriously. I had him remove her from social media. Recently found out that he added her again..

Like why is social media such the down fall of relationships. I took a social media hiatus for about a month before I got on again but I feel like he should be the one to take a break.

I know im toxic, but it really breaka my heart. And confronting him about it makes him feel like i dont trust him.. which could be the case but im trying. It just feels like my trust gets broken when I see him do these things that he knows I dont like.. and he's never honest about it too.

I could literally ask him "so have you friended any women lately?" And he'll blatantly tell me NO yet when I tell him I know the truth its "oh I forgot"

I tried to Google how to get over relationship insecurities and fears and learn to trust and i read a couple where the partner would say they lied because they have to walk on eggshells. But do they never realize that sometimes the one complaining could actually be walking on eggshells too because they know their partner would hate it.

I seriously hate myself more and more everyday. I want to be a better person but it really hurts. It breaka my hurt..

[blignick]

[anxeious]

[dianasaaays]

I dont know how to stop being toxic. I dont know how to build self confidence. I try to pull away from all my bad habits, I try to saw words of affirmation to myself, i try to just stop all these voices in my head telling me otherwise and it jsut doesn't work. Why am I just so fucked up.

Im torn with wanting to change myself because I know im just not a good person but in this generation, im torn with wanting to believe nothing is wrong with me and that I just know how i want to be loved. That all my fears are understandable. I cant win. You cant win. Im tired. Everyone's tired.

I just want to die and get it over with, everyone will be happier without me. People will be sad briefly, but they wont have to walk on eggshells around me. Everything just triggers me and builds up my fears. I dont know how to regulate these emotions. Like why am I better at being a friend than I am being a girlfriend. Why do I have these abandonment issues. Why cant I jsut be the complete same when im a girlfriend as I am as a friend.

I dont want to be like my parents but im just so conformed into them. All their ideals and worries, it made me how I am and I cant stray from it. Even at 30 years old, they still try to engrave it in me and im too much of a coward and emphatic to tell them how it made me feel because they just live in that generational curse and they are getting old and I jsut tell myself I'll feel better about myself when its finally their time to pass.

I hate myself. Im never going to get out of this.